Top 7-Boss Edition

Back in my senior year in college, Floyd Banks used to play Slim Thug’s “Like a Boss” constantly. Why? Because I hated that song. “I call shots like a boss, stack knots like a boss…” You know where I’m taking this. Just an annoying ass song and Floyd would play it all the time, sometimes inducing fits of rage. Why am I telling you this? Because as of today, I, like Slim Thug, am a boss. I have moved into that not so enviable place in corporate America, middle management. I have 10 people that will report to me, most of them older than me. If you’re a fan of this blog (and judging by the attendance, you’re not), then you’re probably thinking this is a bad idea. I’m way ahead of you. I now present the Top 7 Reasons me being a manager is a bad thing.

7. When told of this new development, the first rap line that popped into my head was, “Forget Tony Danza, I’m the boss.” Do you know who said that? If you said Shaq on a Fu-Schnickins songs, you would be correct, and I would call bullshit on you because I highly doubt there is anyone else out there who could do 1993 Shaq lyrics off the top of their head.
6. I’ve spent time checking out a thesaurus for different things to call my term in office: The Barney Administration, Regime, tenure, commission. I’m still working the kinks out. Note that Jay-Z took two of these already, so it’ll make things tough.
5. My overarching message will probably be, “Well, I might be doing a bad job, but at least I’m not as bad as Isiah Thomas was.” Setting the bar pretty low there.
4. There is apparently a picture floating around of me wasted (surprise, surprise) with two of my female co-workers who will now be reporting to me slapping my ass. I do not recall this happening, but they have assured me there is a picture. So I’m either going to be fired for harassment or be blackmailed during evaluations.
3. I can now shout out, “I MANAGE PEOPLE. I’M IMPORTANT. I…I…I DRIVE A CHEVY LUMINA.” In fact, I’m thinking I might trade it in for a Dodge Stratus just to complete the effect.
2. I was considering playing Rick Ross’s new single, “The Boss” during my first meeting. That would probably be the first time anyone’s done that in Corporate America unless The Source just changed management. Then I reconsidered because one of the first lines he spits is, “Always wear plastic, cause baby shit happens.” Since I obviously did not follow that advice, I will not be entering to Rick Ross. I’m going to be incompetent, but I won’t lie.
1. People’s first concern when finding this out was, “Wait, Barney, if you’re my manager, and we’re at the bar, and you tell us to do a shot, do we have to do it because you’re our boss?” My response: “That’s not my management style. I lead by example. So I will be doing shots with you.” I see this ending well.