Final NBA Barney Standings

It’s been a long and arduous season (for the players, not me. Well, probably arduous for my liver), but finally the playoffs are here. And I couldn’t be more excited. Time for the real season to begin. And that’s why I am now presenting the winners of the Barney Standings. Because the playoffs are no time to joke around (do you hear that Wizards?). Anyway, ‘cause I’m lazy, I’m just doing it college ranking style. I now present my final Top 10.
Also receiving votes:
Pacers – In the end, just too many depressing stories.
Bulls – Led the league in former college national champions suspended by their team.

10. 76ers – Only because one of their players was reported in the Post as hooking up with former porn star Mary Cary. And then finding up it was like the backup, backup center (Jason Smith). And that he described her as a “fantasy” or “goddess” or something like that. The NBA, where just being 7 feet tall gets you a quarter million dollars a year and porn stars happens.
9. Lakers – Did anyone else see Phil Jackson make a reference to Brokeback Mountain regarding someone’s aggressiveness and ESPN blowing this up into a story that he was offending people? If so, did you see Phil’s response in which he apologized to cowboys, horses and a slew of other random people? Hilarious. Kobe decided to jump over an Aston Martin which was pretty cool too. And they played the Nuggets in the first round, ensuring I get to continue making Kobe/Colorado jokes.
8. Hornets – Just because they brought back the Birdman. Hopefully he’ll fly again.
7. Cavs – Like the real team, strictly because of Lebron. His response to Deshawn Stevenson calling him “overrated” was classic: “That’s like Jay-Z getting mad at something Soulja Boy said.” Anytime you can put a guy in his place and dis Soulja Boy at the same time, you get the Barney Seal of Approval. They were also only funny to me when I realized that the players they traded for at the deadline were characters from “The Lebrons.” Ben Wallace was Wise (and just as old), Wally Serbiasadfjashbbzhdsa is Business (tell me you can see Wally checking himself in the mirror at least 20 times a day) and Delonte West is the Kid, mostly because he has a small head. Ok, maybe its only funny to me.
6. Suns – And not just because of Shaq. I love the Big Cactus nickname and that he joined the police force in Phoenix immediately after joining. But I also love that they played an elaborate joke on Barbosa when they convinced him he was traded to the Knicks. Leonardo was on the verge of tears. Shaq didn’t have many great quotes, but when he was chasing a ball going out of bounds and the entire Suns bench gets up and runs? That’s hilarious.
5. Nuggets – They’re here strictly off Melo’s DUI arrest. Carmelo Anthony Drunk will now be a step below Barney Drunk. Not able to stand up on one leg? Tell the officer, “I don’t have good balance.” Not able to walk a straight line and back? Just don’t walk back. And then have your fiancée not bail you out.
4. Knicks – Started off real strong with the Truck Party and all of that, but towards the end, just became too depressing. You get major points off in the Barney scoring system for disgracing the game of basketball, and these Knicks did that. It got to the point where what would normally be wacky hijinx (Nate Robinson and Zach Randolph throwing towels and water at each other during a time out for example) was not in good fun, but because these guys genuinely disliked each other. Anytime a team goes on the road and the other teams fans are chanting for someone to get fired, it may be entertaining, but in a way that doesn’t leave a smile on my face. Donnie Walsh could have made up for all of this by annihilating Isiah in his firing post conference, but chose to let the Pope in NYC steal the headlines. Peter Vescey killed the Knicks for this in Sunday’s Post by the way, an article I found highly entertaining.
3. Kings – Were a disappointment for most of the year, but Ron Ron came on strong in the end. We found out that he has a member of his entourage on staff to get him organic cookies late at night when he gets cravings and to handle “giant snake eggs” in his back yard (us normal folk call them mushrooms). And to top it off, he’s now in an ad for PETA. I usually don’t condone appearing in PETA adds (see the failed Free Mike Vick campaign), but for Ron Ron, I’ll let it slide (Artest can get away with pretty much anything in my book), if only because he was arrested for animal cruelty for not feeding his dogs or something like that. If SPENCER HAWES gave them anything this year, they could have been higher.
2. Warriors – A tough choice at # 2. Any other year, they might have been champs. First, they elected Stephen Jackson as their captain, who started the season suspended for a strip club shooting. Then Baron Davis started a book club and reviews movies online. Matt Barnes can go toe to toe with anyone in the league for bad tats. They even brought back Chris Webber for shits and giggles. Oh, and they were on my favorite poster since the early 90s. A solid # 2.
1. Wizards – Maybe it’s because I’m local and get to see their wackiness on a daily basis. Maybe it’s because DC Sports Blog on the Washington Post has the best coverage of any team’s day to day activities. But mostly, I think it’s because they’re the most ridiculous team in the NBA. They’re led by Arenas, who goes by Agent Zero and invites random people to his house to play paint ball. Their best player this year goes by the nickname “Tough Juice” and had a birthday party hosted by Kim Kardashian. And Deshawn Stevenson was the breakout player this year with his beard growing and challenging LeBron (stupidly I might add. Stupid, but entertaining). Plus when you have a reserve who got arrested for soliciting a prostitute at one of your main bar hopping places, which allows you to make continued jokes about finding hookers in Dupont Circle, well, that just puts you over the top. Chuck also called them the “dumbest team in the history of Western Civilization.” That didn’t hurt either. So congratulations to the Washington Wizards, 2007-2008 Barney League Champs. May you celebrate your win in style and hopefully multiple arrests.