NFL Draft 2008

We’re breaking tradition for this year’s NFL Draft. For the last two years I’ve been hungover/drunk during the proceedings. This year, I’ve been a normal person for the most part today. Lifted and ran this morning, got a haircut, ran errands. I actually feel somewhat good right now. We’ll see how I feel an hour from now when the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets pick. I’m joined by Miller Lite, but my good friend Jack is standing by and is ready if/when the Jets screw up. I wrote a separate episode earlier about D Mac so I wouldn’t turn this into the where does Darren McFadden go draft. But I’ve been watching Run DMC youtube videos. I’m sufficiently hyped for this. Let’s get it started.

2:38: Sal Palantonio is in Baltimore? He’s allowed outside of New Jersey and Philly? Time to fill out an company expense report for the first time Sal.
2:42: Reason # 5,765 I love the NFL Draft: Under Armor commercials. They make me feel like running through a wall or something. I might do that if it follows the Jets picking Ghoulston.
2:45: Ok, time for the obligatory Darren McFadden character issue discussion. I loved Mort talking about this earlier. “Matt Leinhert has a child out of wedlock. Tom Brady has a child out of wedlock. It’s not uncommon in the NFL.” I can’t get any love Mort? I’m a successful IT consultant. My favorite thing I’ve learned in this whole D Mac character issue is that he has one brother that was a Blood, one was a Crip. In the words of Ron Burgundy, “I’m not even mad. I’m impressed.” How does that happen? Oh yeah, his mom was a crackhead. And no one mentioned that one of the fights he got in was at a dueling piano bar. I’d be more concerned if he didn’t get in a fight at a dueling piano bar.
2:49: Glad ESPN got Chris Carter on the payroll. Since Michael Irvin was fired, they’ve been missing a definitive source for drug problems.
2:50: Keyshawn’s outfit? Gray jacket, pink tie, black/white flannel shirt. I cannot begin to find words to describe it.
2:55: Jake Long is going # 1 and Chris Long 2. ESPN should bring Jay Bilas on board today just to talk about all the length in the room today.
3:00: They just mentioned Jumbo Elliot. Worth noting that he got in a bar fight and broke a window at a bar a mile from my parents house. Or not worth noting, I don’t care.
3:01: Since Suzy Kolber is interviewing Jake Long, it’s worth noting that if you want an draft blog that’s actually funny, go to Kissing Suzy Kolber.
3:04: Here comes Roger Goddell. And Jets fans are already booing. Wow, we’re 2 minutes in and they already have a pick made. Rog wasn’t kidding when he said this would be streamlined.
3:07: Brock just texted me saying he wanted Miami to take Matt Ryan. I concur. As long as Jake Long was not in on the joke. And he was crying. That would have been the highlight of my year so far.
3:08: God dammit, they just showed Brady Quinn and Lindy from last year. I want to forget that at much as possible.
3:12: The most underrated thing that no one talks about is the sexual innuendo that gets mentioned. Especially defensive line players. How they “get off” the line of scrimmage. Their ability to get “penetration”. Constantly “double and tripled teamed.” I’ll try not to think of this ever again.
3:17: If Chris Berman tries to work the word “long” into conversation as much as possible, I might end this early. I don’t have NFL Network.
3:18: Another thing that doesn’t come up often as to why I love the NFL Draft: Female reporters. As the day goes on and I drink more and more, they get hotter and hotter. I might need to drink straight shots through the whole first round for Holly Rowe to get hot.
3:20: Steve Young has never not advocated for a team either getting a quarterback, or if they have an established QB, an wide receiver for him. Atlanta goes with Matt Ryan. He continues the trend of Irish Catholic quarterbacks from Catholic schools dressing like they’re gay. I’m not a big fan of this new trend.
3:30: FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK. Fuck you Al Davis. I hate you. If the Raiders ever get it together, a Black and Silver McFadden jersey will be by far the best selling jersey. It will already be the most bad ass jersey in the league.
3:35: Glen Dorsey is on the phone with Kansas City. He’s now crying. God dammit. Gholston is on the top of the board for the Jets. Herm Edwards will like his emotions since he’s crying.
3:40: Please trade down, please trade down, please trade down.
3:41: Please don’t take Gholston, please don’t take Gholston, please don’t take Gholston. I’m pretty sure he’ll be a bust. Someone on KSK said that the Jets have the sixth pick in a 5 player draft. I agree.
3:44: Mel Kiper just said that the intensity with Gholston wavered game to game. The idiot Jets fans are chanting for him. Even Herbstreit said he only had one good game. Jaws ripped him.
3:47: I hate life right now. I like using the sixth pick for a guy who’s intensity has been questioned by everyone and is rumored to be on ‘roids. FUCK!
3:53: My good friend Jack has been brought out. I need it right now.
3:54: And the Pats traded down. There’s a reason they’re the best organization in the league.
3:56: Sedrick Ellis to the Saints. I guess they were satisfied with the last Trojan they took.
3:57: Jacksonville traded up? Wow.
3:59: We have our first Mel Kiper reach comment. He’s the absolute best. He’s not involved nearly enough in this today.
4:03: Derrick Harvey. Ok, I’m officially at the point where I don’t have too much opinion on guys. Mel Kiper doesn’t like the pick. That’s good enough for me. Berman questioned Kiper’s Big Board. He did not take that well.
4:15: Jets fans boo the Patriots pick. We’re all about losing the war but winning minor battles.
4:17: I’ve finally figured out Keyshawn’s outfit. In the words of Barry Pepper in The 25th Hour, “Do the ladies tell you to look like an optical illusion?”
4:21: Leodis McKelvin gets picked by Buffalo. With McFadden, us Micks are doing well in this draft. Wait, they’re not really Irish?
4:22: For some reason, they’re playing “Rocky Mountain High”. That John Denver, he’s full of shit.
4:22: Let’s hope Jonathan Stewart can get out of his contract from the Daily Show and fix his toe so he can play for the Panthers.
4:34: Anyone else excited for E:60 talking to Mike Tyson? Pretty much anything Mike Tyson is involved in I will want to watch. In fact, let’s go to youtube and start looking for Mike Tyson stuff since I’m done watching McFadden on youtube.
4:39: If we’re going to go on a run of tackles, I might be passing out sooner than I though.
4:41: Wait, Sal Palantonio has been around the Eagles a lot in the past few months? You’re kidding me. Anyway, the Lions are up and not one WR has been selected yet. C’mon Devin Thomas.
4:47: Kansas City takes Branden Albert, another offensive lineman.
5:00: Gosder Cherilus? Who the fuck is that? That’s really someone’s name?
5:01: If you can’t tell, this episode has been losing steam for awhile. I’m just trying to get through the Washington, Dallas, Pittsburgh picks.
5:04: Ummm…I’m assuming the girl next to Joe Flacco is his girlfriend. And she’s not that hot. If it’s his sister, I apologize.
5:10: Uh oh, Philly is on the clock. Cue Rocky music. Booing will ensue.
5:11: “Yes, Andy Reid can jump.” First funny thing Berman has said all day. Philly trades down.
5:13: Another tackle? This draft sucks.
5:15: Keyshawn and Steve Young get into an argument while Goddell introduces our armed forces and ESPN doesn’t cut them off. Classy, ESPN.
5:32: The Redskins traded their pick? I’m not ready for a conservative Dan Snyder.
5:41: Jerry Jones taking Felix Jones was the most predictable thing in this draft so far.
I’m not really sure what happened after 5:41. I think I went to take a nap but didn’t fall asleep. I was still pissed about the Gholston pick that I decided, “Hey, continuing drinking sounds like a good idea.” And this ended with me in a cab at 3:30 in the morning with the cab driver telling me how he goes to Romania every year to pick up hookers for $30. Yup, that seems about right for me.