The Barney Show Interview

We interrupt your regularly scheduled incoherentness to bring you this installment of The Barney Interview. This month’s guest, J-Man. You know the format. 10 questions. My guest answers and then I do. Let’s get right into it since I’m horrible at segues.

How do you know Barney?
J-Man: Barney's my brother, we grew up together in a very small house. I seem to remember something about being put in a garbage can by him when I was very young. Traumatic... truly traumatic.
Barney: I’d like to set the record straight. We were playing Sesame Street and J-Man was supposed to be Oscar the Grouch, so he went into the garbage can. Just because I quit playing immediately after he got into the garbage can doesn’t mean I wanted to throw him away. There’s some reasonable doubt there, right?
J-Man is also known for solving math theorem’s that he wasn’t taught on SAT II tests and for having a Vancouver Grizzly jersey that might have been the ugliest thing ever made.

When did you realize that your engineering background made life less fun?
J: When I realized that I was taking pride in my TI-89. People were comparing their graphing calculators, and I was being pretty cocky because I had a nice one. I realized what I was doing and thought to myself, "Really... this is what I've come to?" After that anytime I did well in anything engineering related, I would always look around and go "Yeah... I'm nerdier that these people"... and the people around me were really nerdy. Very little sense of achievement in engineering.
B: In general, I think I use numbers way too much because of engineering and thing that there’s always an exact answer. I think the defining moment I had in how engineering has made life less fun is when a coworker asked me if I believe there’s one person out there for everyone. I told her no. She asked why. I responded, “Statistics.” Unfortunately, she didn’t drop the subject and wanted a better explanation. I told her something along the lines of, “Well, if there was only one person out there for everyone, the chances of meeting that person would be infinitesimally small. Let’s assume there’s ummm….30 million Americans that would be of the opposite sex and within the age range you’re looking for, say a 5-10 year bracket. If you met 100 new people of the opposite sex every day, it would take you (here’s where I break out my TI-83 calculator. I still own this and use it on a daily basis for work, even though I have never needed to graph a quadratic equation with it.)821 years to meet all of the eligible people. Secondly, approximately half of all marriages in America end in divorce. Now, you’re probably saying, ‘Barney, that just shows that they hadn’t met their true love.’ Do you think that in nearly all of these, the couple assumed they were made for each other before getting married? I’d say yes. So how do nearly half of these fail? Because people were wrong. So the two conclusions from this are either the chances of there being only one person out there for you are very remote or you’re too stupid to know if this is that one person. Neither of those are very attractive conclusions to make if you believe there’s one person out there made for you. Never mind the fact that the human species would have never made it out of Africa if every female waited for her Prince Charming to come along.” After she picked up her jaw from the floor, she said she had to check her e-mail. She didn’t even let me get into the sociological aspects of it. I was on a roll. That’s when I realized that I might be using numbers a little bit too much in my life.

What was your favorite Halloween costume you ever wore?
J: This is a tough one. I've had some pretty amazing costumes over the years. I think I really need to just list them, because they were all pretty awesome. Really, I'm just proud of my enthusiasm for the holiday (my favorite non-irish one)
2003- Mohammad - This was a fraternity thing, my pledge class was the super best friends from south park and I ended up with Mohammad. When you walk down the streets of NYC in a robe and turban, a lot of people get angry at you for some reason. Also, the guy working in the liquor store was very confused when I went in for a bottle of vodka with Jesus next to me.
2004- Catholic School Girl - Nothing more attracting than a guy with leg hair in a skirt with a padded bra. The only reason I'm not ashamed of this is because I hooked up with the girl who lent me the school girl uniform.
2005- Wayne - Party on Wayne. Party on Garth. This might be my most accurate costume to date. Amazing number of people on the streets of NYC just have to make a Mike Myers' reference when confronted by Wayne. I was really hoping that I could run into Mike Myers himself, since I had seen him a couple of times puking behind cars near my apartment.2006- Dr. Malpractico - A combination Doctor/Luchador. Is there really more that needs to be said? I leapt over five people to elbow drop the Hulk when he challenged people to a fight. I'm pretty sure I won Halloween with this one.
2007- Johnnie Walker - Really this was just an excuse to buy myself a nice bottle of scotch. Got the top hat, bow tie, cane and everything. Realized pretty early on that no matter how badass you were at the time, guys from old-time england just look like flamboyant queers today. Finished my bottle of JW Gold by myself, and when offered a ride home (from the middle of Brooklyn), replied, "Hell no! I'm the walking man. I can walk!". Did not get to where I was going until 6 am.
B: Question # 1 where I have a shitty answer but am trying to get a good story out of J-Man. I wanted him to put Johnnie Walker, but I forgot about all the other ones he had.
Me, I’m not that into Halloween. I think I stopped going out in 6th grade. Even in college, I didn’t get into the whole dressing up thing. So it would either be in 1st grade when I was a Ghostbuster, or when I went as Ron Artest as a Junior in college. For Ron Ron, I even went with two different shoes like he did in the 2004 All-Star game. Needless to say, I didn’t get laid that night.
The best Halloween costume I ever saw was when Abdul completely pulled off Tyrone Biggums. He looked just like him. The funniest thing I ever saw.

What is your best Bill Clinton story?
J: I'm not sure I really want that out on the internet. Lets just say it involves a former president commenting on the status of my nuts. Whatever you're thinking... it was more classy than that.
B: Question # 2 that I have a shitty answer to but am trying to get a good story out of J-Man. He doesn’t want this on the internet, so in the immortal words of King Bunt, “I can respect that.” But let the record show: that is by far and away the greatest story I have ever heard. The fact that not only a former President, but Slick Willie himself, talked about your junk is amazing. That’s like being complemented on your war strategy by Eisenhower, your ability to pull women by JFK or being called a good neighbor by the first Bush.
My favorite Clinton story is about 1/1000th as good. One girl was telling me why she liked Bill Clinton. After she finished she goes, “I don’t like him that much that I’d suck his dick.” And it seemed completely appropriate. She really did need to clear that up because I would have left thinking, “She would blow him if he was here right now.” Ladies and Gentleman, the Bill Clinton Administration.

Who was the most underrated player on the 1993 Orlando Magic?
J: My gut instinct on this one is Scott Skiles. Just cause he was the white guy that no one thought was good. My second though is that it should be Anfernee Hardaway, since no one really remembers him anymore (More people probably remember Skiles as a coach than Penny), and also since there was Little Penny, who might have been the creepiest advertisement stunt ever. I'm going to step outside the 1993 season here, since I've got to mention Horace Grant, who had the ugly-ass, giant goggles, which I've got to associate with, as a fellow wearer of ugly-ass goggles, but ultimately I've got to go with Nick Anderson. Quick Google search shows that he's the leading scorer in the history of the Orlando Magic (not a great history I know), and that he was the Magic's first draft choice ever. Plus he had that steal from Jordan (not in 1993, but in 1995). I've got to put in a honorable mention for whomever was responsible for the Magic winning the '93 draft, since that guy traded his unbelievably giant luck for a giant bucket of shit. Shaq + Webber would have been unfuckingstopable. Maybe I would have paid more attention to basketaball after this if they hadn't thrown that away and ruined my juvenile idealism. Them, Mario Lemieux's cancer and the goddamn Buffalo Bills ruined professional sports for me forever.
B: I love that J-Man, who hasn’t followed sports in like 10 years, made the same argument Sport’s Guy did last week. I’d go with Tree Rollins. He was a player/coach for that team. I don’t remember any player/coach since them. Plus, he was involved in my second favorite Jordan dunk of all time. He was on the Hawks then. Jordan banged it on him, with the announcer going, “Right over Rollins.” And Charles Oakley pointed in his face after it went down. That’s what you notice after 70+ viewings of “Michael Jordan’s Playground.”

Who was your go to Mortal Kombat character?
J: It should be a toss up between Scorpion and Sub-Zero. They were the same basic character, but Scorpion had the "GET OVER HERE!" move which would put him one top. Unfortunately, I always ended up playing as Johnny Cage, since he could do the nut punch, which was hilarious. That was until Mortal Kombat II, where there were girls fighting, and Johnny Cage would just do a split and not actually punch. What girls getting hit in the twat doesn't hurt? Is Johnny Cage making some statement about sexual relations in America? As soon as that happened, I switched to Reptile and enjoyed my invisibility. On a side note, do you remember when mom found out we were playing Mortal Kombat and she got all angry because we were playing such an inappropriate game (I forget who actually bought it for us, but I'm betting Grandpa)
B: I seem to remember we made a rule that Sub Zero and Scorpion could only throw a certain amount of ice/spears in a given match. I went through a brief Raiden stage too. It would be like a guy who lived in the Village to go with a ball puncher. Reptile in MK2 was ok, but I think at age 10 realized he was a cheap rip off.
For the record, our Grandmother bought Mortal Kombat for us. And Mom wasn’t mad at us, just that our youngest brother (who was already seeing shrinks) was drawing violent images in school. That game got taken away once a psychologist started asking questions. It was NBA Jam for us after that.

St. Patty's Day is coming up. What's the best quote you've ever heard to describe being Irish?
J: Since Patty's day is technically past, I'm just going to pretend like it's March 16th for the sake of the question. The best quote about being Irish that I've encountered was Freud's (I think via you) of "This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever" Since I think it pretty much perfectly captures what it means to be Irish. There aren't any ulterior motive to what we do... we just do shit, since we know that's what we're supposed to do. As a side note, I'd like to throw in my favorite St. Patty's day quote, which occurred last year. Me and my friends had decided to drink a prodigious amount of Guinness, which involved knocking on beer distributor's doors at 9 am when they were supposed to open. We managed to get 150+ of the keg cans (for 8-9 people). plus some Jameson. Every time we finished a can, we put it on the windowsill, and we eventually made a mountain of cans. About halfway up the window (but less than halfway thru the Guinness), someone asked what would happen when we filled the window and blocked out the sun... Everyone in the room.. in unison responsed "Then we shall drink in the shade!" in perfect sparta/the 300- style. I've never been more proud to be a drinker.
B: (Note: I sent these questions to J-Man March 7th. I’m going to keep this question and just note that he took a long ass time responding) That quote isn’t from me, it’s from The Departed. That will be # 2 on my best quotes about Irish people list. The countdown?
#4: The Departed: “If this isn’t going to work, it has to be you that leaves. I’m Irish. I can deal with things being wrong my entire life.”
# 3: Sport’s Guy: You won’t find this quote anywhere. My absolute favorite column by the guy who’s influenced me the most is his column the day after the 2003 ALCS when Aaron Boone hit the home run to win the game. My Dad called me the next day and in a phone conversation I will always remember this occurred:Me: “Hello.”Dad: “You know son, life sometimes isn’t fair.”
The rest of the call kept going the same way. Anyway, SG starts going on about how if the Red Sox were a girl, they would have broken up a long time ago. But they’re stuck together. “You would call her on the phone, calmly explain that you can’t take it anymore, let her down as gently as possible and move on with your life. But sports aren’t like that. You’re stuck with your teams from childhood. It’s like being trapped in a bad Irish Catholic marriage. You can’t get out.”
Now if you check the espn.com archives, they take out the “Irish Catholic” part. Even in his book, it’s taken out. But I swear that the first day it was up, the Irish Catholic part was in there. And that’s just reinforces quote # 4.
Quote # 2: J-Man’s above quote.
Quote # 1: Even though I went to an engineering school, our library had not been updated in like 50 years. Every year we’d be in danger of losing our accreditation because our library sucked so much, but we never did. Even with the threat of a tech school losing it’s engineering accreditation, no one did anything. And thus I was able to stumble upon a book about the ethnic groups that made up NYC. Because it was from the 50s, there was no political correctness and I stumbled upon this book looking for some other one on the annoying Hum class I had to take. I opened it to a random page on the Irish section and this is (roughly) what I got:“The Irish mob was not as successful as its Italian or to a lesser extent, Jewish counterparts. A big impediment to their success was their alcoholism. It’s hard to collect on gambling debts when you neither remember who made the bet, nor how much it was for, because you were too inebriated at the time.” Not a truer word was ever said.

Which would you rather be famous for in 10 years? Curing cancer, being the guy who played Kevin Federline to Hannah Montana's Britney Spears or punching Ben Affleck unconscious.
J: If I could get the chance to punch Ben Affleck into unconsciousness, I'm pretty sure I'd take the chance. Since I'm stuck out in the waste's of Long Island right now, and unlikely to encounter any real celebrities here, I'm going to go with curing cancer. Granted, I'm not working on cancer (autism and brain development etc.), but that seems like a much better alternative to playing K Fed. I have to say that I don't think I can fill in for Federline because of my lack of 'stache growing ability.
B: I’ve pretty much established that I don’t have a knack for knocking up Hollywood chicks, I’m more backwoods down South chicks. So K-Fed is out. I have no chance of curing cancer or contributing to medical science in any way possible unless my liver is somehow used to find a cure to cirrhosis. So that leaves knocking out Ben Affleck. Should I be more concerned that we both chose this as our first choice or the Affleck is not underlined in red in MS Word. Has that douche made it that big that MS Office 2003 approves of him? (This is another examples of how being an engineer sucks. You use Microsoft as your arbitrator, even though every true engineer hates Microsoft.)

Since I probably don't remember it, give me your favorite Barney story.
J: I suppose this isn't technically a Barney story, but it's a good story none the less. I remember going to sleep some night, only to be waken up by mom's shouting "Dammit John (my dad), leave him alone. He's Drunk!" I then proceeded to fall right back asleep, assuming that Barney had just come back from getting his drink on and was unable to manage walking down hallways... As was a common occurrence at the time. The next day was some holiday or something, and it wasn't for a while until I found out that some drunk had just wandered into our house, and my dad had threatened him with a bat until he realized that our's wasn't the house he wanted to enter. Me and all my brothers had just assumed it was Barney (who is easily confused with a random drunk).
B: First off, the entire family thought I was drunk. Mom and Dad both admitted it to me later that they thought I snuck out that night. Secondly, I wasn’t the lush that I am today. I think this was during my senior year of high school, when I was actually an athlete, so I was training, so I was going out less. If I got drunk once every two weeks, I would say that was pushing it. Third, I went to bed at 9:30-10:00 that night because I had at 8-9 am practice the next morning.
The best part of this story is that J-Man casually mentions that someone broke into our house, like it was a common occurrence. And from our experience in the West End, it is. It seems like everyone has a “drunk person got their house wrong and tried to get in mind” story.
And yet, I told this story at practice the next morning and it killed. Even K-Dog who lives in fucking Pine Box, gave me shit for it. Apparently, the world is starving for drunk intuition stories. I don’t know. If you’re expecting deep, philosophical questions answered on a Barney Interview, you might need to find another source.