Baseball Teams as Countries

As the baseball season gets into full swing, I’d like to combine two of my favorite things: baseball and geopolitics. Well, it wouldn’t be like me to put together something that made an ounce of sense (though I do feel like George Will while writing this). Anyway, most of these comparisons came to me at 3 AM, and this will count as my baseball preview. Not all teams will be covered mostly because I done drank away most of that knowledge from high school. Also, I went to school at an American public school, which requires three years of American history and three years to cover the rest of the world. And boy do they go into details on those other countries. Unless they make good food and we can incorporate a day of cooking. Then we’ll cover that country real well. Wait, this was supposed to be about baseball. Alright, I’ll stop bitching about my education. Just note that this was written with a bare minimum of fact checking, so don’t give me too much crap.

AL EAST
NY Yankees = United States
This is how this exercise in what remaining brain power I have left got started. A true super power that is hated by the rest of the world. Use their money to buy influence and power (though the power the Yankees bought was aided significantly by steroids). Fans/people don’t let you forget who’s won the most World Series or Wars. I could go on even more, but the similarities scare me so much that I’m going to stop before I start sympathizing with them. Though I’m pretty sure A-Rod is disliked all over.
Boston = Ireland
A long history of suffering has been replaced by recent prosperity. Luck has been a big part of their mystique (though I don’t get why anyone says the “Luck of the Irish.” Besides the fact that I’ve never seen an once of that luck, how does a nation that has a potato famine that causes half the population to leave be considered lucky?). “That’s just Manny being Manny” is the close relation to what most Irish families say with that one uncle: “That’s just Uncle Jimmy being Uncle Jimmy.” And by being, we mean “drunk”.
Dropkick Murphy’s are involved with both. Fans can become insufferable when having multiple championships/alcoholic drinks in them. Green is an important part of their past. If they don’t hate Jimmy Fallon, then they should.
Toronto = Canada
You might think this is a cheap cop out, but think about it. Canada will never be higher than second in the North America power rankings. And the Blue Jays will never win an AL East pennant with Boston and New York there.
Tampa Bay = Burma
As Peterman said in Seinfeld, “It may be Burma now, but it will always be Myanmar to me,” they may be the Rays now, but they’ll always be the Devil Rays to me. I think the ratio of Burma’s GDP to the US’s is roughly the same as Tampa’s payroll is to the Yankees. A Seinfeld and macroeconomics reference in the same paragraph. That’s why they pay me the big bucks.
Baltimore = Zimbabwe
Once prosperous country/franchise has been looted and destroyed by a leader/owner. Mgabe just got voted out this week. Let’s see if they can get rid of Peter Angelos as well. (How’s that for up to date geopolitics? Who says all I do is get shitfaced?)

AL CENTRAL
Cleveland = Panama
Because they both are infested with mosquitoes. Plus I think last year’s playoff hero Kenny Lofton was born the same year the Panama Canal was finished. I’d like to think that Pedro Cerrano came from Panama, but then realized he came from Cuba for religious freedom (sorry, I have a problem where I confuse the cast from Major League with actual Cleveland Indians history). Both easily can create geographic difficulties. As Oil Can Boyd once said about Cleveland’s old stadium, “That’s why you don’t build a stadium on an ocean.” Not many people know that Panama is actually an isthmus. We’ll be back with more 3rd grade geography terms later on.
Detroit = Brazil
Both seem like ideal places. Detroit might score 1,000 runs this year (That’s what everybody says. And I mean everybody. I have not seen one preview of them that did not mention this. Apparently, averaging 6.17 runs per game is a magic number or something.) Brazil has beautiful beaches, and if you have any doubt about the women, just go look up Snoop Dogg’s “Beautiful” video. The downside to both of these however, is that too enjoy these benefits, you’d actually have to live there. Detroit is the burnt out building capital of America and I think Brazil’s fourth largest business is kidnapping. So enjoy both of them.
Kansas City = Thailand
Both make cheap products that are eventually shipped to America or another large market if they’re any good. A good place to go if you want to find hookers. Alright, I made that last part up about Kansas City hookers. How bout this? Both are places you’d go if you want to pay to see water sports. The Kansas City stadium has fountains, and I’ll let you figure out the Thailand part.
Chicago = Cuba
Not so much Cuba, as Tony Montana. Jose Guillen can talk like him, and I’m pretty sure the entire America League would like to go to war with AJ Pierzynski.

AL WEST
Oakland = Japan
Both the A’s and Japan have had to deal with limited resources and yet both have still managed to thrive. Japan has limited natural resources and has had to learn to be on the cutting edge of technology to survive economically. The A’s have used Moneyball techniques to stay competitive without a high payroll.
Besides that, Japan and the A’s are also not very good at finishing what they started, despite having large leads (see: 2-0 Divisional Playoff games, Pearl Harbor)
Texas = United Arab Emirates
The owner of the Texas Rangers reminds me of one of those oil sheiks over there in one of those small Middle Eastern nations. Money is no object. $250 million for A Rod? Fuck it, I got it. Want to build some islands in the shape of the world? Fuck it, no problem. They also enjoy things that most Americans realized aren’t that good anymore. Michael Jackson goes over there all the time because they love him. The Rangers recently signed Sammy Sosa. Finally, both the team and the country get their power from liquid. UAE gets it from oil, the Rangers have had a propensity for performance enhancing drugs (Palmero, Canseco, Matthew Jr. Kenny Rogers has to be on something and he played there before going to Detroit.)
Anaheim = Russia
Both are powers to be reckoned with who are lead by a guy named Vladamir. (And for all of you who are going to say, Barney, Putin’s losing power soon, I say, “Sure he is, sure he is. Keep believing that.”) Ok, you want something more? Both wear red. I get an A+ for effort on this one, don’t I? Alright, the Angels exploit monkeys, Russia exploits bears. Both are equally hilarious riding a unicycle.

NL EAST
Mets = India
Both are powers that are over shadowed by their neighbors (China, Yankees). Both seems to be on the verge of economic success, but are held back by poor infrastructure (roads, reliable power, Shea Stadium). The Mets first base coach is Ricky Henderson. If I called a Help Desk, I’m not sure who I would speak English more clearly. At least the Indian made an attempt to learn English. Ricky has his own dialect of English. Also, Apu’s favorite baseball team when he tries to become an American citizen is the Nye Mets. So that counts for something.
Atlanta = Germany
Both Atlanta and Germany are maddeningly consistent, but can never seem to win the big one (see WWI, WWI, any World Series except for 1995.) The Germans are renowned for their engineering, and the Braves pitch staff in its heyday was surgical in its precession. Oh, and both are racist (Thanks John Rocker).
Washington = Jamaica
I was going to not have a country for Washington, but the Nats offseason made me change my mind. Everything I think of when I think of Jamaica they’ve incorporated this season. Music? (Check. Traded for Lastings Milledge from the Mets and hopefully his rap album.) Violence? (Check. Singed the incomparable Elijah Dukes. You dead, dawg.) Drugs? (Check. Signed Mitchell Report star Paul Lo Duca.) Beautiful travel destinations that white people would be scared to go 50 feet outside the gate (Check plus. Build a brand new stadium in Anacostia.)
Philadelphia = England
One place you do not want to get in a fight with the fans. The actual teams/country hasn’t won anything in awhile. Though they’re not actually that good in World Cups/American sports, they always think they deserve a championship.

NL CENTRAL
Cubs = France
Both had the colors, blue, red and white. Both take a little too much pride in their alcohol. France with its obsession with its wine (My favorite History Channel special was the one where they talk about the lengths the French took to protect their wine from the Nazis in WWII. Forget freedom, they’ll never take our wine. A tremendously entertaining hour of television. And yet I digress). Harry Carey loved to push his cool, refreshing Budweiser. And neither of the two have won anything in over a century. France was once led by a Lou (Louis I-XVI) and the Cubs are now led by a Lou (Sweet Lou Pinella). (On another tangent, I think all people named Lou should put “Sweet” in front of their name. Makes it sound cooler. Then again, I’m the same one who wanted to name his brothers “Dumper” after a dump truck, and “Tyrannosaurus Rex.” Though to be fair, T Rex would have been the coolest kid in school when Jurassic Park came out. Wait? This is supposed to be a baseball column? Sorry, I’ll get back to talking about illogical team comparisons.)
Milwaukee = Netherlands
If you’re attending either one of these places, you’re probably going to get fucked up. Off of beer at a Brewers game, and who knows what in Amsterdam. The one place this analogy doesn’t work is that if you’re going to Milwaukee to solicit sex, then you have bigger (Like that double entendre? Get it? Bigger because women from Wisconsin are fat? I swear, I should call myself the Word Wizard sometimes. That time would be never, but it’d be there none the less.) problems than what happens when you go to a baseball game. There’s confusion surrounding as to how to classify them. Do I call it the Netherlands or Dutch? Didn’t the Brewers use to play in the American League?


NL WEST
Dodgers = Spain
Both are very leisurely places to play/live. Spain takes siestas, Dodger fans show up in the 4th inning of games. The Spanish Civil War was like the warm up to WWII. The Dodgers leaving Brooklyn was the precursor to West Coast baseball (I’m going to say that was the biggest stretch I’ve made in this column. Though it’s tough to tell. The Shea Stadium/Indian infrastructure one was good as well.)
Rockies = Argentina
Both have mountains. And both distort the true value of stuff. Argentina had roughly a 2000% inflation rate at one point, and home runs at Coors field lost all meaning until they started putting them in a humidor. I’m not sure how Mike Hampton would feel about Argentina’s schools though.

Alright, that’s all I got. If you couldn’t tell, there was a major east coast bias. Anyway, phone lines are now open text your choice for most ridiculous analogy in this entire thing. Text to 3825968 and enter the letter of your choice:A for Oil Can Boyd: isthmus
B for A-Rod’s contract: the World at Dubai
C for Ricky Henderson: Indian Help Desk operator
D for Spanish Civil War: Dodgers’ move from Brooklyn
E for myself: George Will
F for the general references to hookers from the Midwest
Phone lines will be open for 24 hours. Vote early and vote often.