Brock Has Questions

So Brock sent me a list of questions he had for me via e-mail. Since I would reply to it anyway, this allows me to do twice the work by convincing you this is an original Barney Show episode. Multitask mother fucker.

Kobe is in a playoff series with the Nuggets. How does this make you feel?
I think I mentioned this in a previous episode, but I feel that the hotel room in Eagle, Colorado should be made into a tourist attraction. Sure, I would be the only tourist who actually visited it, but that doesn’t change anything. Plus the Nuggets have been a walking trainwreck all week. K-Mart’s “I’d rather be pissed off than pissed on,” quote earlier this week was a classic though.

How do you like the Gholston pick?
Do I really have to talk about this? You’re just trying to rile me up, aren’t you? I’m wholeheartedly against taking Gholston, but at the same time, there really wasn’t any other choice. After 24 hours to reflect, I’m not as pissed off as I was yesterday afternoon. I wasn’t informed enough to know who else they could have gotten in that spot, but I’m not endorsing a pick of a guy who’s been accused of taking plays off. It was more of the circumstances that the Jets stayed put at 6 and no one slipped to them. I was really hoping Dorsey ended up there.

Why did the J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets! trade up into the 1st round to pick a 2nd rd TE?
Not just a tight end, but a tight end from the Big 10. I’m of the thoughts that the Big 10 is like European basketball. You know how in Europe they limit each team to two Americans so they’re own people can play? I’m convinced there’s an unwritten rule that each Big 10 team can only take two players from south of the Mason-Dixon line. This vastly distorts the performance of any player coming out of the Big 10 in the past 3-4 years.

How about LeBron dissing DeShawn Stephenson by equating him to Soulja Boy?
I’m glad you asked this because there has been no one more on top of this Cavs-Wizards beef than me. Mostly because LA is in love with Deshawn Stevenson, to the point that she wants to conceive his child. So of course I have to throw anything Lebron does to him back in her face. What Lebron said about Deshawn might have been one of the most brilliant things any athlete has ever said. Couple that with his comparisons to Hov, and that just puts it over the top.

How about SB showing at Game 3 of the Cavs-Wiz series?
This whole Lebron-Deshawn feud has gotten so ridiculous it’s comical to me at this point. First, Soulja Boy shows up to game 3, performs at halftime and is treated like royalty. Then, Friday night, Lebron is at Love nightclub (NYC equivalent = the Tunnel circa 2000) and they play a Jay Z song that disses Deshawn five times. (I really thought Hov would be above this. As I told LA, “Jay doesn’t do 1st round games. Call him when it’s the conference finals.” But now, what can I say? My favorite quote on the internet (now on computers) is “How many times has an NBA minority owner dissed an NBA player via a rap song? My guess is never.” But after thinking about it, this really is just solidifying the reasons for The Global Icon to sign with the Brooklyn Nets. I’m actually excited at this point for David Stern to launch an investigation into this song (which samples Too Short by the way) regarding tampering.) Anyway, this is where it get so high schoolish. Tough Juice was apparently at Love as well and called Deshawn after the song got played. So now this whole thing has gotten completely blown out of proportion. It’s bad when Gilbert Arenas is the voice of reason saying that it would be an honor to be name checked by Jay even if he is dissing him.

Did you get thru 8 Diagrams? Do you have any thoughts?
Have not gotten the chance to pick it up yet. But they were playing at Love the same night Jay’s song got played. I’m kicking myself for not going to Love on Friday night because I knew Lebron and the Wu would be there. I did however spend last weekend looking up old Wu Tang videos on youtube.

Did you notice how much armpit hair Kenyon Martin has?
Ummm….no. Apparently Yellow Boys grow armpit hair at a greater rate than the rest of us.

Do you have any thoughts on the size of Glenn Dorsey’s head (from the back of his head to the front of his jaw)?
It is big, but than again, everyone’s head is big compared to mine.

What about Gholston’s? It seemed quite average by comparison.
Just wait until he starts doing HGH. It will get bigger in the next few years.

Rashard Mendenhall is a black professional athlete with a black girlfriend. In 50 words or less, explain why this is important to the city of Pittsburgh .
Extremely important. With pictures of Santonio Holmes' ginourmous dong circulating on the internet, the people of Pittsburgh need to be assured that their white women will be safe for Roethlisberger to pork.

Which is funnier:
When asked why you did something and you give the answer ‘shits and giggles’ OR
I don’t believe in men carrying umbrellas, when asked why I reply that umbrellas are for sissies and faggots.
Tremendous question. “Shits and giggles” is the runaway winner for two reasons.
First, there was a girl that I worked with who went by the name “Giggles”. We asked her for something more professional (like her given name), but she said she preferred to be called Giggles. Ok, fine, whatever. Since she was dumb as hell, we decided to call the even dumber girl in our office “Shits”. Hence, whenever the two were together it was “Shits and Giggles”. So that term re-entered my lexicon about a year ago.
Secondly, I am completely behind the whole grown ass men should not use umbrellas initiative. I too do not use an umbrella. And while it results in my pants being wet from time to time (windbreakers were invented to keep your shirt dry), it’s an acceptable compromise from having to lose your masculinity. There are two instances however, when I feel using an umbrella is acceptable: 1: When you buy it off a guy on the street. I find it utterly astounding that these guys know when its going to rain. Do they sit around watching the Weather Channel and on rainy days say, “Well, we’re in business today, boys.” If it gets that bad that you need to spend $5 on an umbrella that will not work in a week, that’s acceptable. 2: If you’re sharing an umbrella with a female companion. I’m not advocating for you to own an umbrella and use it with the hope of attracting a lady friend. No, I’m saying it’s acceptable for you to accept an offer from a girl to join her under an umbrella that she is currently using. Other than that, suck it up and get rained on. (I’m pretty sure that’s what strip club owners tell their employees when Pacman steps in the door.)

Earlier this week I asserted that Den, Dal & Phx wouldn’t all be swept. Thoughts?
Other than I’m disappointed in the so-called depth of the West. All of them have flaws, so I’m not that surprised.

Whom does AK-47 most look like; Archie, Ivan Drago or Walter in ‘the Big Lebowski’?
Ivan Drago. I think he needs to start doing roids and blood doping to increase his intensity.

What is this source of Jaromir Jagr’s douchery: the face that he was dubbed 'Mario Jr' [an anagram for his name] and couldnt deal with being 2nd best to the greatest player of all time or his current flavor savor?
I’d vote for something that you didn’t mention. The fact that he’s a multimillionaire that still has a mullet. That should have raised flags. And I’m glad I finally mentioned hockey in my blog. I finally watched an NHL game this past week with the Caps-Flyers game 7. I wish I could get into hockey more. Islander-Ranger games growing up were fun as hell.