Top 7

Yeah, I guess it has been awhile since I posted something. I have been busy/lazy/drunk lately. Anyway, I’ve been looking forward to this baseball season with more anticipation than usual. Is the likely reason gambling? Why yes, it is. I was going to get in a Home Run Derby pool (8 guys, most HRs wins), but forgot to submit my picks before the stupid Japanese opener (actually, watching baseball while getting ready for work was kind of fun). So I guess I’m going to live vicariously through my dad’s picks. What else am I looking forward to? A Top 7 list is in order:

7. Manny Ramirez is in a contract year. That should be all I need to say, but I need to mention that his performance in Japan won him MVP honors and a check for 1 million yen (About $10,000 US and dropping everyday. Nothing like working an exchange rate joke in. Those things usually kill.) Best of all, they gave him a giant check. I’m 98% sure Manny put this check in the back seat of his car, Happy Gilmore style. Oh, and this was done with someone else’s bat because he couldn’t use the one he brought to Japan. So another 6 months of this is in the works because you’ll know he’ll play (if he can understand what a contract year actually means).
6. The Cubs signed some guy from Japan named Fukudome. Try and say that name and not laugh.
5. Making my inevitable trip to Shea Stadium this season for the last time and getting nostalgic about a place that’s a piece of shit.
4. Sometimes I think I’m lucky because every since I’ve moved down to the Dirty, DC has turned into ground zero in wacky athletes (see Arenas, Gilbert; Portis, Clinton). The Nats got in on the action by signing Elijah Dukes (best known for either sending a text message to his soon to be ex-wife saying, “You dead, dawg” and knocking up a foster child), and Lastings Milledge (former Mets minor league star, who had a propensity for making rap songs). This season is looking more exciting already. Then once I start thinking I’m lucky for this, I remember how my luck has traditionally been, and start looking at the ceiling to make sure its not going to fall on me again (I should do a Barney Top 7 injuries. Maybe next time).
3. A-Rod and the constant steroid rumors. Jose Canseco, doing the Lord’s work in my opinion.
2. The indomitable force that is Hank Steinbrenner. He’s already called out the Tampa Bay Rays for not knowing their place and threatened to stop sharing revenue with them. The sky is really the limit for what this guy can go. I’m really hoping he doesn’t know baseball that well, because he could really make the Yankees a laughingstock (Wait, they’re not already? They blew the largest lead ever, haven’t won a playoff series in three seasons, and their best pitcher’s name is Wang. I’m laughing. And that’s all that matters right? It’s pretty much the same thing with all of these episodes I write.)
1. There are few things better than one of your teams signing the best pitcher in baseball. One of those things is signing the best pitcher in baseball who’s name is also the name of a member of Dip Set. I think I’m going to go out and buy Diplomatic Immunity and blast that during all his starts: “Santana, Santana, Santana, Santana, Santana…”

Note: Brock reminded me after I wrote this that apparently after walks in Yankee Stadium they have Johnie Walker on the screen. That’s almost enough for me to not hate them, but after further consideration, I’m going to give the credit to the brilliant ad folks at Johnnie Walker.