Don’t be that concerned my dear reader. This does involve Randy Moss. He’s going to have his own NASCAR Craftsman Truck series team.
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/racing/04/29/bc.car.mossmotorsports.ap/
This leads to the inevitable question: Will he be paying for this team in straight cash? Thank you, thank you, I’ll show myself out.
Other questions I have:Will Dutch Masters be a sponsor?
Will he be looking for drivers who drive when they want to drive?
Will Jason Williams be involved in anyway?
He’ll definitely be signing the driver who drove while on heroin, right?
How could a driver take advice from a guy who couldn’t even avoid a traffic cop? Or will they be motivated because all NASCAR drivers secretly hate traffic cops?
Feel free to add your own in the comments.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
More Lebron-Deshawn
Alright, this is getting a little rid-god-damn-diculous right now. The series started off with this whole Lebron/Deshawn rivalry being interesting. I didn’t think it would set off rap beef. I’ve got the link to Jay’s verse Friday night. I’ll be honest, he didn’t do anything that great. The only good thing I can say about it is that he didn’t mention Deshawn Stevenson’s name because he’s not even close to in his league.
http://realtalkny.rawkus.com/2008/04/topic/artists/jay-z/jay-z-blow-the-whistle-deshawn-stevenson-diss/
Then it gets even more high schoolish as some random rapper decides to make a song dissing Hov. And this is getting actual radio play down here.
http://www.zshare.net/audio/1119889428557c2c/
There’s this big controversy that Jay and Lebron disrespected DC by showing up and playing this in DC. Ummm…I’m pretty sure the club advertised that Lebron was going to show up because I knew about it Friday morning. So it’s not like he just showed up out of the blue and started beef. DC invited him and I’m pretty sure a lot of residents showed up just to see Lebron. If this was an actual rivalry, that would not have happened. Do you think Jordan back in the day could have gone to a club in NYC during a playoff war with the Knicks? Of course not. If he wanted to be entertained, he had to go to AC and gamble.
What’s lost in all this is that the Wizards are going to lose a series when they have significant match up advantages at 3 of the 5 starting positions, and it’s pretty close on another one (Haywood has played very well this series). They also have a slightly better bench and a better coach. And they might lose this series 4-1. Because they acted like retards and called out the 2nd best player in the league. One of the reasons I was so excited for this series was to see how Lebron responded to the challenge. After 4 games, I’d say “well to very well.” He’s even pulled out some ruthlessness by doing the “I can’t feel my face” thing after any big play.
If the Cavs win on Wednesday, you know who Deshawn Stevenson turns into? Lebradford Smith. Don’t remember him? No, that’s because you have an actual life and I don’t. My all-time favorite Jordan story involved Lebradford Smith, who was with Washington back in the day. He scored 37 in a game against Jordan in Chicago. It was the first game of a home and home, so the two teams traveled to Washington. Jordan claimed that Smith was talking trash to him on his way to 37. Jordan had 36 points in the first half alone, and Smith career was effectively over. (What makes this story even better is that Smith didn’t say anything to Jordan. He kept his mouth shut, but Jordan made it up to motivate himself. That’s why he’s the greatest player of all time.) One of my favorite sayings in sports is, “Don’t pull on Superman’s cape,” meaning don’t talk shit and rile up someone you can’t stop. Deshawn broke this rule and the result: What looks like a first round exit. Hope you like being back in Orlando with your boy Drew Gooden prick.
http://realtalkny.rawkus.com/2008/04/topic/artists/jay-z/jay-z-blow-the-whistle-deshawn-stevenson-diss/
Then it gets even more high schoolish as some random rapper decides to make a song dissing Hov. And this is getting actual radio play down here.
http://www.zshare.net/audio/1119889428557c2c/
There’s this big controversy that Jay and Lebron disrespected DC by showing up and playing this in DC. Ummm…I’m pretty sure the club advertised that Lebron was going to show up because I knew about it Friday morning. So it’s not like he just showed up out of the blue and started beef. DC invited him and I’m pretty sure a lot of residents showed up just to see Lebron. If this was an actual rivalry, that would not have happened. Do you think Jordan back in the day could have gone to a club in NYC during a playoff war with the Knicks? Of course not. If he wanted to be entertained, he had to go to AC and gamble.
What’s lost in all this is that the Wizards are going to lose a series when they have significant match up advantages at 3 of the 5 starting positions, and it’s pretty close on another one (Haywood has played very well this series). They also have a slightly better bench and a better coach. And they might lose this series 4-1. Because they acted like retards and called out the 2nd best player in the league. One of the reasons I was so excited for this series was to see how Lebron responded to the challenge. After 4 games, I’d say “well to very well.” He’s even pulled out some ruthlessness by doing the “I can’t feel my face” thing after any big play.
If the Cavs win on Wednesday, you know who Deshawn Stevenson turns into? Lebradford Smith. Don’t remember him? No, that’s because you have an actual life and I don’t. My all-time favorite Jordan story involved Lebradford Smith, who was with Washington back in the day. He scored 37 in a game against Jordan in Chicago. It was the first game of a home and home, so the two teams traveled to Washington. Jordan claimed that Smith was talking trash to him on his way to 37. Jordan had 36 points in the first half alone, and Smith career was effectively over. (What makes this story even better is that Smith didn’t say anything to Jordan. He kept his mouth shut, but Jordan made it up to motivate himself. That’s why he’s the greatest player of all time.) One of my favorite sayings in sports is, “Don’t pull on Superman’s cape,” meaning don’t talk shit and rile up someone you can’t stop. Deshawn broke this rule and the result: What looks like a first round exit. Hope you like being back in Orlando with your boy Drew Gooden prick.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Brock Has Questions
So Brock sent me a list of questions he had for me via e-mail. Since I would reply to it anyway, this allows me to do twice the work by convincing you this is an original Barney Show episode. Multitask mother fucker.
Kobe is in a playoff series with the Nuggets. How does this make you feel?
I think I mentioned this in a previous episode, but I feel that the hotel room in Eagle, Colorado should be made into a tourist attraction. Sure, I would be the only tourist who actually visited it, but that doesn’t change anything. Plus the Nuggets have been a walking trainwreck all week. K-Mart’s “I’d rather be pissed off than pissed on,” quote earlier this week was a classic though.
How do you like the Gholston pick?
Do I really have to talk about this? You’re just trying to rile me up, aren’t you? I’m wholeheartedly against taking Gholston, but at the same time, there really wasn’t any other choice. After 24 hours to reflect, I’m not as pissed off as I was yesterday afternoon. I wasn’t informed enough to know who else they could have gotten in that spot, but I’m not endorsing a pick of a guy who’s been accused of taking plays off. It was more of the circumstances that the Jets stayed put at 6 and no one slipped to them. I was really hoping Dorsey ended up there.
Why did the J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets! trade up into the 1st round to pick a 2nd rd TE?
Not just a tight end, but a tight end from the Big 10. I’m of the thoughts that the Big 10 is like European basketball. You know how in Europe they limit each team to two Americans so they’re own people can play? I’m convinced there’s an unwritten rule that each Big 10 team can only take two players from south of the Mason-Dixon line. This vastly distorts the performance of any player coming out of the Big 10 in the past 3-4 years.
How about LeBron dissing DeShawn Stephenson by equating him to Soulja Boy?
I’m glad you asked this because there has been no one more on top of this Cavs-Wizards beef than me. Mostly because LA is in love with Deshawn Stevenson, to the point that she wants to conceive his child. So of course I have to throw anything Lebron does to him back in her face. What Lebron said about Deshawn might have been one of the most brilliant things any athlete has ever said. Couple that with his comparisons to Hov, and that just puts it over the top.
How about SB showing at Game 3 of the Cavs-Wiz series?
This whole Lebron-Deshawn feud has gotten so ridiculous it’s comical to me at this point. First, Soulja Boy shows up to game 3, performs at halftime and is treated like royalty. Then, Friday night, Lebron is at Love nightclub (NYC equivalent = the Tunnel circa 2000) and they play a Jay Z song that disses Deshawn five times. (I really thought Hov would be above this. As I told LA, “Jay doesn’t do 1st round games. Call him when it’s the conference finals.” But now, what can I say? My favorite quote on the internet (now on computers) is “How many times has an NBA minority owner dissed an NBA player via a rap song? My guess is never.” But after thinking about it, this really is just solidifying the reasons for The Global Icon to sign with the Brooklyn Nets. I’m actually excited at this point for David Stern to launch an investigation into this song (which samples Too Short by the way) regarding tampering.) Anyway, this is where it get so high schoolish. Tough Juice was apparently at Love as well and called Deshawn after the song got played. So now this whole thing has gotten completely blown out of proportion. It’s bad when Gilbert Arenas is the voice of reason saying that it would be an honor to be name checked by Jay even if he is dissing him.
Did you get thru 8 Diagrams? Do you have any thoughts?
Have not gotten the chance to pick it up yet. But they were playing at Love the same night Jay’s song got played. I’m kicking myself for not going to Love on Friday night because I knew Lebron and the Wu would be there. I did however spend last weekend looking up old Wu Tang videos on youtube.
Did you notice how much armpit hair Kenyon Martin has?
Ummm….no. Apparently Yellow Boys grow armpit hair at a greater rate than the rest of us.
Do you have any thoughts on the size of Glenn Dorsey’s head (from the back of his head to the front of his jaw)?
It is big, but than again, everyone’s head is big compared to mine.
What about Gholston’s? It seemed quite average by comparison.
Just wait until he starts doing HGH. It will get bigger in the next few years.
Rashard Mendenhall is a black professional athlete with a black girlfriend. In 50 words or less, explain why this is important to the city of Pittsburgh .
Extremely important. With pictures of Santonio Holmes' ginourmous dong circulating on the internet, the people of Pittsburgh need to be assured that their white women will be safe for Roethlisberger to pork.
Which is funnier:
When asked why you did something and you give the answer ‘shits and giggles’ OR
I don’t believe in men carrying umbrellas, when asked why I reply that umbrellas are for sissies and faggots.
Tremendous question. “Shits and giggles” is the runaway winner for two reasons.
First, there was a girl that I worked with who went by the name “Giggles”. We asked her for something more professional (like her given name), but she said she preferred to be called Giggles. Ok, fine, whatever. Since she was dumb as hell, we decided to call the even dumber girl in our office “Shits”. Hence, whenever the two were together it was “Shits and Giggles”. So that term re-entered my lexicon about a year ago.
Secondly, I am completely behind the whole grown ass men should not use umbrellas initiative. I too do not use an umbrella. And while it results in my pants being wet from time to time (windbreakers were invented to keep your shirt dry), it’s an acceptable compromise from having to lose your masculinity. There are two instances however, when I feel using an umbrella is acceptable: 1: When you buy it off a guy on the street. I find it utterly astounding that these guys know when its going to rain. Do they sit around watching the Weather Channel and on rainy days say, “Well, we’re in business today, boys.” If it gets that bad that you need to spend $5 on an umbrella that will not work in a week, that’s acceptable. 2: If you’re sharing an umbrella with a female companion. I’m not advocating for you to own an umbrella and use it with the hope of attracting a lady friend. No, I’m saying it’s acceptable for you to accept an offer from a girl to join her under an umbrella that she is currently using. Other than that, suck it up and get rained on. (I’m pretty sure that’s what strip club owners tell their employees when Pacman steps in the door.)
Earlier this week I asserted that Den, Dal & Phx wouldn’t all be swept. Thoughts?
Other than I’m disappointed in the so-called depth of the West. All of them have flaws, so I’m not that surprised.
Whom does AK-47 most look like; Archie, Ivan Drago or Walter in ‘the Big Lebowski’?
Ivan Drago. I think he needs to start doing roids and blood doping to increase his intensity.
What is this source of Jaromir Jagr’s douchery: the face that he was dubbed 'Mario Jr' [an anagram for his name] and couldnt deal with being 2nd best to the greatest player of all time or his current flavor savor?
I’d vote for something that you didn’t mention. The fact that he’s a multimillionaire that still has a mullet. That should have raised flags. And I’m glad I finally mentioned hockey in my blog. I finally watched an NHL game this past week with the Caps-Flyers game 7. I wish I could get into hockey more. Islander-Ranger games growing up were fun as hell.
Kobe is in a playoff series with the Nuggets. How does this make you feel?
I think I mentioned this in a previous episode, but I feel that the hotel room in Eagle, Colorado should be made into a tourist attraction. Sure, I would be the only tourist who actually visited it, but that doesn’t change anything. Plus the Nuggets have been a walking trainwreck all week. K-Mart’s “I’d rather be pissed off than pissed on,” quote earlier this week was a classic though.
How do you like the Gholston pick?
Do I really have to talk about this? You’re just trying to rile me up, aren’t you? I’m wholeheartedly against taking Gholston, but at the same time, there really wasn’t any other choice. After 24 hours to reflect, I’m not as pissed off as I was yesterday afternoon. I wasn’t informed enough to know who else they could have gotten in that spot, but I’m not endorsing a pick of a guy who’s been accused of taking plays off. It was more of the circumstances that the Jets stayed put at 6 and no one slipped to them. I was really hoping Dorsey ended up there.
Why did the J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets! trade up into the 1st round to pick a 2nd rd TE?
Not just a tight end, but a tight end from the Big 10. I’m of the thoughts that the Big 10 is like European basketball. You know how in Europe they limit each team to two Americans so they’re own people can play? I’m convinced there’s an unwritten rule that each Big 10 team can only take two players from south of the Mason-Dixon line. This vastly distorts the performance of any player coming out of the Big 10 in the past 3-4 years.
How about LeBron dissing DeShawn Stephenson by equating him to Soulja Boy?
I’m glad you asked this because there has been no one more on top of this Cavs-Wizards beef than me. Mostly because LA is in love with Deshawn Stevenson, to the point that she wants to conceive his child. So of course I have to throw anything Lebron does to him back in her face. What Lebron said about Deshawn might have been one of the most brilliant things any athlete has ever said. Couple that with his comparisons to Hov, and that just puts it over the top.
How about SB showing at Game 3 of the Cavs-Wiz series?
This whole Lebron-Deshawn feud has gotten so ridiculous it’s comical to me at this point. First, Soulja Boy shows up to game 3, performs at halftime and is treated like royalty. Then, Friday night, Lebron is at Love nightclub (NYC equivalent = the Tunnel circa 2000) and they play a Jay Z song that disses Deshawn five times. (I really thought Hov would be above this. As I told LA, “Jay doesn’t do 1st round games. Call him when it’s the conference finals.” But now, what can I say? My favorite quote on the internet (now on computers) is “How many times has an NBA minority owner dissed an NBA player via a rap song? My guess is never.” But after thinking about it, this really is just solidifying the reasons for The Global Icon to sign with the Brooklyn Nets. I’m actually excited at this point for David Stern to launch an investigation into this song (which samples Too Short by the way) regarding tampering.) Anyway, this is where it get so high schoolish. Tough Juice was apparently at Love as well and called Deshawn after the song got played. So now this whole thing has gotten completely blown out of proportion. It’s bad when Gilbert Arenas is the voice of reason saying that it would be an honor to be name checked by Jay even if he is dissing him.
Did you get thru 8 Diagrams? Do you have any thoughts?
Have not gotten the chance to pick it up yet. But they were playing at Love the same night Jay’s song got played. I’m kicking myself for not going to Love on Friday night because I knew Lebron and the Wu would be there. I did however spend last weekend looking up old Wu Tang videos on youtube.
Did you notice how much armpit hair Kenyon Martin has?
Ummm….no. Apparently Yellow Boys grow armpit hair at a greater rate than the rest of us.
Do you have any thoughts on the size of Glenn Dorsey’s head (from the back of his head to the front of his jaw)?
It is big, but than again, everyone’s head is big compared to mine.
What about Gholston’s? It seemed quite average by comparison.
Just wait until he starts doing HGH. It will get bigger in the next few years.
Rashard Mendenhall is a black professional athlete with a black girlfriend. In 50 words or less, explain why this is important to the city of Pittsburgh .
Extremely important. With pictures of Santonio Holmes' ginourmous dong circulating on the internet, the people of Pittsburgh need to be assured that their white women will be safe for Roethlisberger to pork.
Which is funnier:
When asked why you did something and you give the answer ‘shits and giggles’ OR
I don’t believe in men carrying umbrellas, when asked why I reply that umbrellas are for sissies and faggots.
Tremendous question. “Shits and giggles” is the runaway winner for two reasons.
First, there was a girl that I worked with who went by the name “Giggles”. We asked her for something more professional (like her given name), but she said she preferred to be called Giggles. Ok, fine, whatever. Since she was dumb as hell, we decided to call the even dumber girl in our office “Shits”. Hence, whenever the two were together it was “Shits and Giggles”. So that term re-entered my lexicon about a year ago.
Secondly, I am completely behind the whole grown ass men should not use umbrellas initiative. I too do not use an umbrella. And while it results in my pants being wet from time to time (windbreakers were invented to keep your shirt dry), it’s an acceptable compromise from having to lose your masculinity. There are two instances however, when I feel using an umbrella is acceptable: 1: When you buy it off a guy on the street. I find it utterly astounding that these guys know when its going to rain. Do they sit around watching the Weather Channel and on rainy days say, “Well, we’re in business today, boys.” If it gets that bad that you need to spend $5 on an umbrella that will not work in a week, that’s acceptable. 2: If you’re sharing an umbrella with a female companion. I’m not advocating for you to own an umbrella and use it with the hope of attracting a lady friend. No, I’m saying it’s acceptable for you to accept an offer from a girl to join her under an umbrella that she is currently using. Other than that, suck it up and get rained on. (I’m pretty sure that’s what strip club owners tell their employees when Pacman steps in the door.)
Earlier this week I asserted that Den, Dal & Phx wouldn’t all be swept. Thoughts?
Other than I’m disappointed in the so-called depth of the West. All of them have flaws, so I’m not that surprised.
Whom does AK-47 most look like; Archie, Ivan Drago or Walter in ‘the Big Lebowski’?
Ivan Drago. I think he needs to start doing roids and blood doping to increase his intensity.
What is this source of Jaromir Jagr’s douchery: the face that he was dubbed 'Mario Jr' [an anagram for his name] and couldnt deal with being 2nd best to the greatest player of all time or his current flavor savor?
I’d vote for something that you didn’t mention. The fact that he’s a multimillionaire that still has a mullet. That should have raised flags. And I’m glad I finally mentioned hockey in my blog. I finally watched an NHL game this past week with the Caps-Flyers game 7. I wish I could get into hockey more. Islander-Ranger games growing up were fun as hell.
Barney Show Exclusive
With our exclusive connections, The Barney Show has gotten an exclusive interview with Lebron James after his win against the Wizards on Sunday. If you recall, James has gotten into it with Deshawn Stevenson lately and Soulja Boy had to be called in. We caught up with James after his win on Sunday and asked him what he had to say about Stevenson.
“I don't care if you Deshawn, I hold triggers to crews
You little FUCK, I've got money stacks bigger than you
When I was McDonald’s MVP, back in ‘03
You was a banging tweeners, I got police report, I seen ya (Barney Show note: Deshawn was arrested for statutory rape at one point)
Then you went to Orlando, switch your demeanor
Well - we don't believe you, you need more people
Four Horseman (Barney Show note: What Lebron call his entourage), students of the game, we passed the classes
Nobody can read you dudes like we do
Don't let 'em gas you, like Bron is ass and won't clap you
Trust me on this one - I'll detach you
Mind from spirit, body from soul
They'll have to hold a mass, put your body in a hole
No, you're not on my level get your brakes tweaked
I score more points in a game than you score in a whole week
You guys don't want it with Bron
Ask Boston, they don't want it with Bron, Nooooo!”
Final Barney Show note: This beef has escalated so much that Hov actually did feel the need to get involved. If I find this song, I will post it as soon as I can provide analysis:
http://blog.washingtonpost.com/wizardsinsider/2008/04/jayz_joins_the_lebrondeshawn_f.html
“I don't care if you Deshawn, I hold triggers to crews
You little FUCK, I've got money stacks bigger than you
When I was McDonald’s MVP, back in ‘03
You was a banging tweeners, I got police report, I seen ya (Barney Show note: Deshawn was arrested for statutory rape at one point)
Then you went to Orlando, switch your demeanor
Well - we don't believe you, you need more people
Four Horseman (Barney Show note: What Lebron call his entourage), students of the game, we passed the classes
Nobody can read you dudes like we do
Don't let 'em gas you, like Bron is ass and won't clap you
Trust me on this one - I'll detach you
Mind from spirit, body from soul
They'll have to hold a mass, put your body in a hole
No, you're not on my level get your brakes tweaked
I score more points in a game than you score in a whole week
You guys don't want it with Bron
Ask Boston, they don't want it with Bron, Nooooo!”
Final Barney Show note: This beef has escalated so much that Hov actually did feel the need to get involved. If I find this song, I will post it as soon as I can provide analysis:
http://blog.washingtonpost.com/wizardsinsider/2008/04/jayz_joins_the_lebrondeshawn_f.html
NFL Draft 2008
We’re breaking tradition for this year’s NFL Draft. For the last two years I’ve been hungover/drunk during the proceedings. This year, I’ve been a normal person for the most part today. Lifted and ran this morning, got a haircut, ran errands. I actually feel somewhat good right now. We’ll see how I feel an hour from now when the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets pick. I’m joined by Miller Lite, but my good friend Jack is standing by and is ready if/when the Jets screw up. I wrote a separate episode earlier about D Mac so I wouldn’t turn this into the where does Darren McFadden go draft. But I’ve been watching Run DMC youtube videos. I’m sufficiently hyped for this. Let’s get it started.
2:38: Sal Palantonio is in Baltimore? He’s allowed outside of New Jersey and Philly? Time to fill out an company expense report for the first time Sal.
2:42: Reason # 5,765 I love the NFL Draft: Under Armor commercials. They make me feel like running through a wall or something. I might do that if it follows the Jets picking Ghoulston.
2:45: Ok, time for the obligatory Darren McFadden character issue discussion. I loved Mort talking about this earlier. “Matt Leinhert has a child out of wedlock. Tom Brady has a child out of wedlock. It’s not uncommon in the NFL.” I can’t get any love Mort? I’m a successful IT consultant. My favorite thing I’ve learned in this whole D Mac character issue is that he has one brother that was a Blood, one was a Crip. In the words of Ron Burgundy, “I’m not even mad. I’m impressed.” How does that happen? Oh yeah, his mom was a crackhead. And no one mentioned that one of the fights he got in was at a dueling piano bar. I’d be more concerned if he didn’t get in a fight at a dueling piano bar.
2:49: Glad ESPN got Chris Carter on the payroll. Since Michael Irvin was fired, they’ve been missing a definitive source for drug problems.
2:50: Keyshawn’s outfit? Gray jacket, pink tie, black/white flannel shirt. I cannot begin to find words to describe it.
2:55: Jake Long is going # 1 and Chris Long 2. ESPN should bring Jay Bilas on board today just to talk about all the length in the room today.
3:00: They just mentioned Jumbo Elliot. Worth noting that he got in a bar fight and broke a window at a bar a mile from my parents house. Or not worth noting, I don’t care.
3:01: Since Suzy Kolber is interviewing Jake Long, it’s worth noting that if you want an draft blog that’s actually funny, go to Kissing Suzy Kolber.
3:04: Here comes Roger Goddell. And Jets fans are already booing. Wow, we’re 2 minutes in and they already have a pick made. Rog wasn’t kidding when he said this would be streamlined.
3:07: Brock just texted me saying he wanted Miami to take Matt Ryan. I concur. As long as Jake Long was not in on the joke. And he was crying. That would have been the highlight of my year so far.
3:08: God dammit, they just showed Brady Quinn and Lindy from last year. I want to forget that at much as possible.
3:12: The most underrated thing that no one talks about is the sexual innuendo that gets mentioned. Especially defensive line players. How they “get off” the line of scrimmage. Their ability to get “penetration”. Constantly “double and tripled teamed.” I’ll try not to think of this ever again.
3:17: If Chris Berman tries to work the word “long” into conversation as much as possible, I might end this early. I don’t have NFL Network.
3:18: Another thing that doesn’t come up often as to why I love the NFL Draft: Female reporters. As the day goes on and I drink more and more, they get hotter and hotter. I might need to drink straight shots through the whole first round for Holly Rowe to get hot.
3:20: Steve Young has never not advocated for a team either getting a quarterback, or if they have an established QB, an wide receiver for him. Atlanta goes with Matt Ryan. He continues the trend of Irish Catholic quarterbacks from Catholic schools dressing like they’re gay. I’m not a big fan of this new trend.
3:30: FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK. Fuck you Al Davis. I hate you. If the Raiders ever get it together, a Black and Silver McFadden jersey will be by far the best selling jersey. It will already be the most bad ass jersey in the league.
3:35: Glen Dorsey is on the phone with Kansas City. He’s now crying. God dammit. Gholston is on the top of the board for the Jets. Herm Edwards will like his emotions since he’s crying.
3:40: Please trade down, please trade down, please trade down.
3:41: Please don’t take Gholston, please don’t take Gholston, please don’t take Gholston. I’m pretty sure he’ll be a bust. Someone on KSK said that the Jets have the sixth pick in a 5 player draft. I agree.
3:44: Mel Kiper just said that the intensity with Gholston wavered game to game. The idiot Jets fans are chanting for him. Even Herbstreit said he only had one good game. Jaws ripped him.
3:47: I hate life right now. I like using the sixth pick for a guy who’s intensity has been questioned by everyone and is rumored to be on ‘roids. FUCK!
3:53: My good friend Jack has been brought out. I need it right now.
3:54: And the Pats traded down. There’s a reason they’re the best organization in the league.
3:56: Sedrick Ellis to the Saints. I guess they were satisfied with the last Trojan they took.
3:57: Jacksonville traded up? Wow.
3:59: We have our first Mel Kiper reach comment. He’s the absolute best. He’s not involved nearly enough in this today.
4:03: Derrick Harvey. Ok, I’m officially at the point where I don’t have too much opinion on guys. Mel Kiper doesn’t like the pick. That’s good enough for me. Berman questioned Kiper’s Big Board. He did not take that well.
4:15: Jets fans boo the Patriots pick. We’re all about losing the war but winning minor battles.
4:17: I’ve finally figured out Keyshawn’s outfit. In the words of Barry Pepper in The 25th Hour, “Do the ladies tell you to look like an optical illusion?”
4:21: Leodis McKelvin gets picked by Buffalo. With McFadden, us Micks are doing well in this draft. Wait, they’re not really Irish?
4:22: For some reason, they’re playing “Rocky Mountain High”. That John Denver, he’s full of shit.
4:22: Let’s hope Jonathan Stewart can get out of his contract from the Daily Show and fix his toe so he can play for the Panthers.
4:34: Anyone else excited for E:60 talking to Mike Tyson? Pretty much anything Mike Tyson is involved in I will want to watch. In fact, let’s go to youtube and start looking for Mike Tyson stuff since I’m done watching McFadden on youtube.
4:39: If we’re going to go on a run of tackles, I might be passing out sooner than I though.
4:41: Wait, Sal Palantonio has been around the Eagles a lot in the past few months? You’re kidding me. Anyway, the Lions are up and not one WR has been selected yet. C’mon Devin Thomas.
4:47: Kansas City takes Branden Albert, another offensive lineman.
5:00: Gosder Cherilus? Who the fuck is that? That’s really someone’s name?
5:01: If you can’t tell, this episode has been losing steam for awhile. I’m just trying to get through the Washington, Dallas, Pittsburgh picks.
5:04: Ummm…I’m assuming the girl next to Joe Flacco is his girlfriend. And she’s not that hot. If it’s his sister, I apologize.
5:10: Uh oh, Philly is on the clock. Cue Rocky music. Booing will ensue.
5:11: “Yes, Andy Reid can jump.” First funny thing Berman has said all day. Philly trades down.
5:13: Another tackle? This draft sucks.
5:15: Keyshawn and Steve Young get into an argument while Goddell introduces our armed forces and ESPN doesn’t cut them off. Classy, ESPN.
5:32: The Redskins traded their pick? I’m not ready for a conservative Dan Snyder.
5:41: Jerry Jones taking Felix Jones was the most predictable thing in this draft so far.
I’m not really sure what happened after 5:41. I think I went to take a nap but didn’t fall asleep. I was still pissed about the Gholston pick that I decided, “Hey, continuing drinking sounds like a good idea.” And this ended with me in a cab at 3:30 in the morning with the cab driver telling me how he goes to Romania every year to pick up hookers for $30. Yup, that seems about right for me.
2:38: Sal Palantonio is in Baltimore? He’s allowed outside of New Jersey and Philly? Time to fill out an company expense report for the first time Sal.
2:42: Reason # 5,765 I love the NFL Draft: Under Armor commercials. They make me feel like running through a wall or something. I might do that if it follows the Jets picking Ghoulston.
2:45: Ok, time for the obligatory Darren McFadden character issue discussion. I loved Mort talking about this earlier. “Matt Leinhert has a child out of wedlock. Tom Brady has a child out of wedlock. It’s not uncommon in the NFL.” I can’t get any love Mort? I’m a successful IT consultant. My favorite thing I’ve learned in this whole D Mac character issue is that he has one brother that was a Blood, one was a Crip. In the words of Ron Burgundy, “I’m not even mad. I’m impressed.” How does that happen? Oh yeah, his mom was a crackhead. And no one mentioned that one of the fights he got in was at a dueling piano bar. I’d be more concerned if he didn’t get in a fight at a dueling piano bar.
2:49: Glad ESPN got Chris Carter on the payroll. Since Michael Irvin was fired, they’ve been missing a definitive source for drug problems.
2:50: Keyshawn’s outfit? Gray jacket, pink tie, black/white flannel shirt. I cannot begin to find words to describe it.
2:55: Jake Long is going # 1 and Chris Long 2. ESPN should bring Jay Bilas on board today just to talk about all the length in the room today.
3:00: They just mentioned Jumbo Elliot. Worth noting that he got in a bar fight and broke a window at a bar a mile from my parents house. Or not worth noting, I don’t care.
3:01: Since Suzy Kolber is interviewing Jake Long, it’s worth noting that if you want an draft blog that’s actually funny, go to Kissing Suzy Kolber.
3:04: Here comes Roger Goddell. And Jets fans are already booing. Wow, we’re 2 minutes in and they already have a pick made. Rog wasn’t kidding when he said this would be streamlined.
3:07: Brock just texted me saying he wanted Miami to take Matt Ryan. I concur. As long as Jake Long was not in on the joke. And he was crying. That would have been the highlight of my year so far.
3:08: God dammit, they just showed Brady Quinn and Lindy from last year. I want to forget that at much as possible.
3:12: The most underrated thing that no one talks about is the sexual innuendo that gets mentioned. Especially defensive line players. How they “get off” the line of scrimmage. Their ability to get “penetration”. Constantly “double and tripled teamed.” I’ll try not to think of this ever again.
3:17: If Chris Berman tries to work the word “long” into conversation as much as possible, I might end this early. I don’t have NFL Network.
3:18: Another thing that doesn’t come up often as to why I love the NFL Draft: Female reporters. As the day goes on and I drink more and more, they get hotter and hotter. I might need to drink straight shots through the whole first round for Holly Rowe to get hot.
3:20: Steve Young has never not advocated for a team either getting a quarterback, or if they have an established QB, an wide receiver for him. Atlanta goes with Matt Ryan. He continues the trend of Irish Catholic quarterbacks from Catholic schools dressing like they’re gay. I’m not a big fan of this new trend.
3:30: FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK. Fuck you Al Davis. I hate you. If the Raiders ever get it together, a Black and Silver McFadden jersey will be by far the best selling jersey. It will already be the most bad ass jersey in the league.
3:35: Glen Dorsey is on the phone with Kansas City. He’s now crying. God dammit. Gholston is on the top of the board for the Jets. Herm Edwards will like his emotions since he’s crying.
3:40: Please trade down, please trade down, please trade down.
3:41: Please don’t take Gholston, please don’t take Gholston, please don’t take Gholston. I’m pretty sure he’ll be a bust. Someone on KSK said that the Jets have the sixth pick in a 5 player draft. I agree.
3:44: Mel Kiper just said that the intensity with Gholston wavered game to game. The idiot Jets fans are chanting for him. Even Herbstreit said he only had one good game. Jaws ripped him.
3:47: I hate life right now. I like using the sixth pick for a guy who’s intensity has been questioned by everyone and is rumored to be on ‘roids. FUCK!
3:53: My good friend Jack has been brought out. I need it right now.
3:54: And the Pats traded down. There’s a reason they’re the best organization in the league.
3:56: Sedrick Ellis to the Saints. I guess they were satisfied with the last Trojan they took.
3:57: Jacksonville traded up? Wow.
3:59: We have our first Mel Kiper reach comment. He’s the absolute best. He’s not involved nearly enough in this today.
4:03: Derrick Harvey. Ok, I’m officially at the point where I don’t have too much opinion on guys. Mel Kiper doesn’t like the pick. That’s good enough for me. Berman questioned Kiper’s Big Board. He did not take that well.
4:15: Jets fans boo the Patriots pick. We’re all about losing the war but winning minor battles.
4:17: I’ve finally figured out Keyshawn’s outfit. In the words of Barry Pepper in The 25th Hour, “Do the ladies tell you to look like an optical illusion?”
4:21: Leodis McKelvin gets picked by Buffalo. With McFadden, us Micks are doing well in this draft. Wait, they’re not really Irish?
4:22: For some reason, they’re playing “Rocky Mountain High”. That John Denver, he’s full of shit.
4:22: Let’s hope Jonathan Stewart can get out of his contract from the Daily Show and fix his toe so he can play for the Panthers.
4:34: Anyone else excited for E:60 talking to Mike Tyson? Pretty much anything Mike Tyson is involved in I will want to watch. In fact, let’s go to youtube and start looking for Mike Tyson stuff since I’m done watching McFadden on youtube.
4:39: If we’re going to go on a run of tackles, I might be passing out sooner than I though.
4:41: Wait, Sal Palantonio has been around the Eagles a lot in the past few months? You’re kidding me. Anyway, the Lions are up and not one WR has been selected yet. C’mon Devin Thomas.
4:47: Kansas City takes Branden Albert, another offensive lineman.
5:00: Gosder Cherilus? Who the fuck is that? That’s really someone’s name?
5:01: If you can’t tell, this episode has been losing steam for awhile. I’m just trying to get through the Washington, Dallas, Pittsburgh picks.
5:04: Ummm…I’m assuming the girl next to Joe Flacco is his girlfriend. And she’s not that hot. If it’s his sister, I apologize.
5:10: Uh oh, Philly is on the clock. Cue Rocky music. Booing will ensue.
5:11: “Yes, Andy Reid can jump.” First funny thing Berman has said all day. Philly trades down.
5:13: Another tackle? This draft sucks.
5:15: Keyshawn and Steve Young get into an argument while Goddell introduces our armed forces and ESPN doesn’t cut them off. Classy, ESPN.
5:32: The Redskins traded their pick? I’m not ready for a conservative Dan Snyder.
5:41: Jerry Jones taking Felix Jones was the most predictable thing in this draft so far.
I’m not really sure what happened after 5:41. I think I went to take a nap but didn’t fall asleep. I was still pissed about the Gholston pick that I decided, “Hey, continuing drinking sounds like a good idea.” And this ended with me in a cab at 3:30 in the morning with the cab driver telling me how he goes to Romania every year to pick up hookers for $30. Yup, that seems about right for me.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Why I Want McFadden
Three hours ‘til the draft kicks off (this 3 pm start time is bullshit). Three hours ‘til the climax of Tankapalooza 2007. Back in November, I started campaigning for my Jets to continue losing so they could get Arkansas running back Darren McFadden. Of course, the Jets couldn’t even lose right and went on to beat the Steelers the next week and won the final game of their season. So they got stuck with the sixth pick. I had resigned myself to them at least getting some D line help. But here we are, April 26th, and there is a chance that McFadden could go to the Jets. Steve Serby had an excellent column in this mornings Post saying that the Jets need to pick McFadden. I will try and duplicate that by giving my own reasons why I want McFadden.
Getting McFadden has never been about filling a need. The Jets got their running back last year when they traded for Thomas Jones. What McFadden represents is a new face of the franchise. If you asked me right now, I’d say the backup fucking quarterback is still the first player that jumps into everyone’s heads when they think Jets. Quickly followed by a laugh that that player can only throw the ball 15 yards (More likely, they think of Jets fans: Annoying chant and yell at girls to take their tops off at halftime. Yet, I digress.). Pick McFadden, everyone will know who the franchise is.
Secondly, McFadden will give the Jets their first home run hitter since I’ve been following them. Wayne Chrebet was good, but he wasn’t taking it to the house. Even when they drafted Keyshawn number 1, he was still looked at as more of a possession receiver. McFadden instantly moves into that handful of players in the NFL who you pay attention every time they touch the football (Off the top of my head: Moss, Purple Jesus, Steve Smith, Reggie Bush (because no matter how many times you’ve seen him run 15 yards to get a 2 yard gain, you still think USC Reggie will emerge eventually), Chad Johnson, Jones-Drew, Tomlinson, Grandmama, Portis, Fast Willie, TO, Marion Barber, Maroney (only because I will yell out ‘KOOOOOOL-AID’ even if it is for only 3 yards), and Devin Hester, who forces you to watch all 3rd downs in Bears games hoping that the other team will have to punt. I’m probably leaving someone off, but that’s what you get from a guy with multiple concussions.). I’ve already accepted that as long as Brady and Belichick are in New England, the Jets will probably not win an AFC East crown. But dammit, at least give me some hope. Getting McFadden allows me to believe that he’ll bust off 80 yards at any given time to win the game. Picking a fucking offensive lineman does not. Is this about making the Jets a better team? Not really. It’s about getting a playmaker for the first time in awhile. So if they’re not going to win the whole thing, at least entertain me.
Finally, it would let me forget about this (This is my favorite youtube video of them all. I will laugh my ass of even after 100 viewings. This is so good, they played this on the radio the other day. You don’t even need to see the visuals. My favorite part is when every Jet fan starts groaning before they even announce the pick. Just the position was enough to set them off.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZxNeFLuY98. It would allow me for at least one year, not dread the Jets pick. I’ve been mentally preparing myself for picking Vernon Gholston all week so I don’t turn homicidal when they waste the sixth pick on a guy who has great combine stats, but played only one good game all year (and that was against Michigan, which doesn’t really count. In fact all good games against Big Ten should have an asterisk.) A month ago, I was convinced that they would be taking another fucking offensive lineman. I’d like to not have feelings of dread on one of my favorite days all year. It’s like being an 8 year old on Christmas with a creepy uncle. Sure, you get a bunch of presents, so you’re looking forward to that. But you know you’re going to have to go to grandma’s house, and your uncle will definitely be there. It’s not enough to ruin Christmas for you, but it does put a damper on what should be a tremendous day. Alright, 2 and a half hours left. I’m going to start removing all sharp objects from my apartment.
Getting McFadden has never been about filling a need. The Jets got their running back last year when they traded for Thomas Jones. What McFadden represents is a new face of the franchise. If you asked me right now, I’d say the backup fucking quarterback is still the first player that jumps into everyone’s heads when they think Jets. Quickly followed by a laugh that that player can only throw the ball 15 yards (More likely, they think of Jets fans: Annoying chant and yell at girls to take their tops off at halftime. Yet, I digress.). Pick McFadden, everyone will know who the franchise is.
Secondly, McFadden will give the Jets their first home run hitter since I’ve been following them. Wayne Chrebet was good, but he wasn’t taking it to the house. Even when they drafted Keyshawn number 1, he was still looked at as more of a possession receiver. McFadden instantly moves into that handful of players in the NFL who you pay attention every time they touch the football (Off the top of my head: Moss, Purple Jesus, Steve Smith, Reggie Bush (because no matter how many times you’ve seen him run 15 yards to get a 2 yard gain, you still think USC Reggie will emerge eventually), Chad Johnson, Jones-Drew, Tomlinson, Grandmama, Portis, Fast Willie, TO, Marion Barber, Maroney (only because I will yell out ‘KOOOOOOL-AID’ even if it is for only 3 yards), and Devin Hester, who forces you to watch all 3rd downs in Bears games hoping that the other team will have to punt. I’m probably leaving someone off, but that’s what you get from a guy with multiple concussions.). I’ve already accepted that as long as Brady and Belichick are in New England, the Jets will probably not win an AFC East crown. But dammit, at least give me some hope. Getting McFadden allows me to believe that he’ll bust off 80 yards at any given time to win the game. Picking a fucking offensive lineman does not. Is this about making the Jets a better team? Not really. It’s about getting a playmaker for the first time in awhile. So if they’re not going to win the whole thing, at least entertain me.
Finally, it would let me forget about this (This is my favorite youtube video of them all. I will laugh my ass of even after 100 viewings. This is so good, they played this on the radio the other day. You don’t even need to see the visuals. My favorite part is when every Jet fan starts groaning before they even announce the pick. Just the position was enough to set them off.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZxNeFLuY98. It would allow me for at least one year, not dread the Jets pick. I’ve been mentally preparing myself for picking Vernon Gholston all week so I don’t turn homicidal when they waste the sixth pick on a guy who has great combine stats, but played only one good game all year (and that was against Michigan, which doesn’t really count. In fact all good games against Big Ten should have an asterisk.) A month ago, I was convinced that they would be taking another fucking offensive lineman. I’d like to not have feelings of dread on one of my favorite days all year. It’s like being an 8 year old on Christmas with a creepy uncle. Sure, you get a bunch of presents, so you’re looking forward to that. But you know you’re going to have to go to grandma’s house, and your uncle will definitely be there. It’s not enough to ruin Christmas for you, but it does put a damper on what should be a tremendous day. Alright, 2 and a half hours left. I’m going to start removing all sharp objects from my apartment.
Jalen Rose Totally Redeems the Josh Howard Issue
Earlier in the week, I noted that Chuck called the Wizards the “dumbest team in the history of Western civilization.” He might have to take that back because Josh Howard might have single handedly put the Mavs over the top with his comments about weed. Not because he actually smokes (An NBA player smokes weed when not playing? No way. You have to be joking. I thought they spent their offseasons visiting the Land of Gumdrops and Chocolate Kisses. In case you can’t tell, I’m being sarcastic.), but when he did this. You’re down 2-0 in the first round and this is the day you decide to make this admission? You’re pretty much asking for the other teams fans to go nuts on you. Alright, I’ll get off my soap box and get to the two good things that came out of this.
First is that he did this on the Michael Irvin Show on Dallas radio. If you asked me which radio show an NBA player would admit to smoking weed on, Michael Irvin’s would be my first, second, third and possibly fourth picks. I’m glad ESPN was able to find a way to keep Michael Irvin employed because you never know when you’ll need someone caught with coke and strippers to ask drug related questions.
Second was that it allowed Jalen Rose to show off his sheer brilliance. Here’s what his thoughts were on the situation. “To quote the philosopher David Chappelle, this is an example of when keeping it real goes wrong.” There is nothing I can say that will come close to that, so I’ll end this.
First is that he did this on the Michael Irvin Show on Dallas radio. If you asked me which radio show an NBA player would admit to smoking weed on, Michael Irvin’s would be my first, second, third and possibly fourth picks. I’m glad ESPN was able to find a way to keep Michael Irvin employed because you never know when you’ll need someone caught with coke and strippers to ask drug related questions.
Second was that it allowed Jalen Rose to show off his sheer brilliance. Here’s what his thoughts were on the situation. “To quote the philosopher David Chappelle, this is an example of when keeping it real goes wrong.” There is nothing I can say that will come close to that, so I’ll end this.
Friday, April 25, 2008
I Got a Story to Tell
Alright, its not really that great of a story. It’s not like Biggie robbing a New York Knick guard after banging his chick. But if someone I know has an encounter with Lebron, I’m going to talk about it. I’m still pissed that my brother just casually mentioned last spring that he played against Lebron in AAU ball back in the day. Anyway, my friend LA gets press passes to the Wizards. I would have beaten LA and left her in a ditch at some point to get that press pass, except the press pass has a picture on it and I’m pretty sure I can’t pass for a female (especially for a game after work when I have the 5 o’clock shadow working). So I have to get my NBA information second hand. Anyway, here’s her account of last night’s post game press conference:
“He was in a post game press conference, and I was front row. We were all walking out and there were so many people. Someone shoved me into him outside the media lounge and my big bag smashed into him. I turn and realize oh fuck. I go “Oh shit, ohmygod I'm so sorry". HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND ME and smiles and goes, "It's ok hun" and winks. He then went back to asking his stylist or whatever it was with him if his sunglasses were ok with that jacket to wear at night.”
Two things stand out to me. 1, Bron Bron apparently loves the white girls (and I find out on the day Kobe’s traveling back to Colorado. Let’s hope Lebron doesn’t get any ideas from the Black Mamba. (Anyone else think he called it that when he whipped it out on Colorado girl? Alright, I’ll stop saying everything that comes into my head.)). And 2, I won’t be able to look at him for the next two weeks without having Corey Hart’s “Sunglasses at Night” in my head.
If you haven’t been paying attention to this series, Washington hates Lebron. DeShawn Stevenson invited Soulja Boy to the game because of James’s earlier comments (see the episode earlier this week). Needless to say, this has not endeared me to supporting the Wizards. Anyway, LA had a chance to go party with Soulja Boy, but declined. She did, however, get this account of the night for me:
“The skinny fuck was too busy drinking and super soaking hoes”.
So yeah, anytime I get a chance to make Lebron-white girl and Soulja Boy jokes, I will. Got a problem with that?
“He was in a post game press conference, and I was front row. We were all walking out and there were so many people. Someone shoved me into him outside the media lounge and my big bag smashed into him. I turn and realize oh fuck. I go “Oh shit, ohmygod I'm so sorry". HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND ME and smiles and goes, "It's ok hun" and winks. He then went back to asking his stylist or whatever it was with him if his sunglasses were ok with that jacket to wear at night.”
Two things stand out to me. 1, Bron Bron apparently loves the white girls (and I find out on the day Kobe’s traveling back to Colorado. Let’s hope Lebron doesn’t get any ideas from the Black Mamba. (Anyone else think he called it that when he whipped it out on Colorado girl? Alright, I’ll stop saying everything that comes into my head.)). And 2, I won’t be able to look at him for the next two weeks without having Corey Hart’s “Sunglasses at Night” in my head.
If you haven’t been paying attention to this series, Washington hates Lebron. DeShawn Stevenson invited Soulja Boy to the game because of James’s earlier comments (see the episode earlier this week). Needless to say, this has not endeared me to supporting the Wizards. Anyway, LA had a chance to go party with Soulja Boy, but declined. She did, however, get this account of the night for me:
“The skinny fuck was too busy drinking and super soaking hoes”.
So yeah, anytime I get a chance to make Lebron-white girl and Soulja Boy jokes, I will. Got a problem with that?
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
2007 NFL Draft
Wait a second, the NFL Draft is in 3 days? I need to get into the right mood. Though that mood mostly consists of preparing myself mentally for the Jets to pass on Run DMC. Hearing that Kellen Clemens cried when the Pope came to America last week didn’t help that mood. I’m pretty sure someone named Matt Ryan from Boston College would do the same, so its not like that’s a favorable option. Anyway, to help get me in the mood, I’m going all out. Here, in its 6,000 word entirety is my running diary of last year’s draft. I did this for no other reason than to mail to my brother who couldn’t watch it because he was about to go to Iraq. Hence, all the Eli Manning jokes. Also note, that when this was written, Reggie Bush and Vince Young’s careers both looked a lot better than they do now (I’m not giving up on Vince just yet though. Not by a long shot.)and the Jets were 10-6 instead of 5-11. Some things I come across as being very right about (I say Clemens did steroids 7 months before the Mitchell Report did, I predict that Moss and Peterson will have monster year), others not so much (I called the 49ers ‘smart’). There are also a lot of references to Brady Quinn’s girlfriend. If you didn’t watch the draft last year, you probably wouldn’t understand. And I don’t care. Some of those jokes are funny (emphasis on some). Anyway, enjoy a lot of non-sense that didn’t require much work from me recently.
Another year, another NFL draft that I’m hung over for. Much like the Masters, it’s becoming a tradition unlike any other. I’m watching Sports Center now getting ready for this years draft. Remind me not to be alive on September 8th. Virginia Tech plays LSU. Normally, this would be interesting to me. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can deal with the whole “who’s tragedies were worse and who recovered the best” contest that will come out of it. We’re 3 minutes into this diary and I’m already negative. You’d probably want to carve out a bunch of time for this. We’re looking at a bunch of pages on 8 font.
Man, do I love the draft. They had an article in Sports Illustrated this week and some one was making the case that the draft is the biggest event in sports. It sounded ridiculous at first, but what other event do people prep months for? It might not be the cultural event that the Super Bowl or other championships are, but it’s more of an event for true fans. Random people don’t watch the draft, but NFL fans live for it. Add to the fact that every team has a stake in it (except for the Redskins. They have the 6th pick and that’s it for them on Saturday. I think they have three guys who played 10% of their downs this year total in exchange. As a football fan, I’m not enjoying the Daniel Snyder era) and it gets more interesting. Besides Colts and Bears fans, who really cared who won? I mean, the gamblers obviously, but that’s how they make it interesting to the rest of us. The draft, I’m sitting here seeing maybe 20 downs of Miami football all year, and I’m hoping their tight end is there at 26 to the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets.
They just showed the four consecutive home runs the Red Sox hit last week…in Spanish. Picture your typical soccer announcer announcing baseball and you get how insane that guy was. Just a great moment. The Yankees are pathetic now and I’m kind of enjoying it, but its not the same. I guess this is how the CIA felt after the Soviet Union fell. I need a new, capable enemy. The one thing that’s really bothering is Rivera. He’s not the same, his cutter just isn’t cutting. As much as I hate the Yankees, I have the utmost respect for the real Yankees (Jeter, Rivera, Bernie Williams. Posada’s still a prick though) and I’m kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop with Yankee fans where they get on Rivera and start booing him. If they ever do a countdown of Yankee Fans Douchebaggery, the moment they booed Rivera IN APRIL should be number one. Here’s the best pitcher of the past 20 years (I don’t recognize Clemens. He’s on steroids or something and I will not debate this. We question how Bonds gets better at 35, but credit Clemens resurgence to running 4 miles a day? Yeah, OK. If he was breaking pitching’s hallowed records, please believe that someone from a Texas newspaper would be investigating. Plus, he hasn’t come through in the post season. And him throwing a bat at Piazza and not getting ejecting might be the biggest injustice in my life. I’m still pissed about this six and half years later. And yes, I just inserted the Stephen A. Smith ‘please believe’ phrase. See what he does to me? He turns me into Stephen A. Smith) and should be above any criticism. But if the Yankees pick up Clemens, my sympathies for the Yankees ends. I hope they lose 100 games then.
Also on Sportscenter, they just had the former Titans GM talking about the time he pulled one over on the Giants when they got Shockey. Yet, Coughlin couldn’t pull one over on him. If that doesn’t make you hate your life, I don’t know what will. Also, apparently Keyshawn Johnson will be on set of today’s draft. Why? Why? I know they got rid of Michael Irvin, but why? You get the same irrational wide receiver opinions without the comedic joy of realizing “wait, this guy was found in a motel room with hookers and crack.” You can’t put a price on that ESPN. And Keyshawn just advocated for a guy who was kicked out of USC for selling ecstasy. It takes a lot to get kicked out of USC (free housing, steroids, etc) and this guy managed to do it. And yes, I’m still extremely bitter about Bush’s push. If Keyshawn’s going to push USC guys today, this running diary might end earlier than expected. And Sportscenter just had a tease asking how Brady Quinn is like Derek Jeter . It’s 10:38, I’ve had one margarita and its nap time for me before I see that piece. Be back in an hour.
11:59 AM, and we’re back. ESPN’s about to go through its ridiculous pregame. Uh oh. They have Rocky music in the background. If I could be more excited, I don’t know if its possible. Good call ESPN. It’s like Rocky meets Wall Street.
12:01 PM: We’re hear at the “Annual Selection Meeting of the National Football League.” That’s another reason I love the draft. For the way it takes itself so seriously. That and Mel Kiper Jr. Does anyone in America have a better job? He watches football all year, but only works the month of April. I think ESPN sent out a memo comparing him to Santa in that he only works one day a year.
12:04 PM: And NY is booing Keyshawn. I miss NY sometimes. They also booed Mike Vick (well deserved by the way for his utterly ridiculous behavior recently) during the Virginia Tech tribute.
12:07: And we’ve had our first Coors Light commercial. Then a Madden 08 commercial where Reggie Bush thanks Houston for not taking him. It’s a year later and that’s still the dumbest thing of all time. Bush and Vince Young going after Mario Williams is the Bowie over Jordan for the 21st century, if Bowie went over both Jordan and Olajuwon.
12:09: Oakland’s on the clock, and Chris Berman can say “Da Raidas” as only he can as much as he can in the next 15 minutes. Over/Under is 3.5.
12:11: I love the phrase “multiple trade situations” with the first pick. And the “unprecedented” level of silence in the green room because no one knows what Al Davis will do. Ja Marcus Russell can apparently throw the ball 85 yards. How that’s a relevant skill, I’ll never know. Throwing it 64 yards on a knee was pretty impressive though. They just showed the video of it, and its pretty cool.
12:16: Thank you Steve Young for saying “I would not put a premium on arm strength.” His three skills are leadership, aptitude and accuracy. On ESPN a scout the other day they had leadership as the # 5 on the skills he looks in a QB. I think the thing we learned with Vince Young is that all that throwing shit goes out the window. If Tom Brady was killed in a airplane going back and forth between his baby mommas, Vince Young might be the QB I pick if my team had to win one game for my life. We’ll be back in a bit on this after the first pick.
12:20: Ja Marcus Russell goes # 1. And Notre Dame’s defense gets another QB millions of dollars. I’m not extremely high on him. The one game I really saw him at Auburn, his team scored 7 points. And he had some awful throws and decisions on the final drive. Plus, he was on BET the other day and looked just like Young Jeezy. I like my QB to not look like a rap star. Maybe that’s just me.
12:22: And we’ve had our first Eli mention. “The jury is out on Eli as the first pick.” I’m just trying to antagonize you today, you know that, right?
12:22: Ok, back to Vince. Let’s not get it confused. The only reason he went # 3 last year was because Tennessee’s owner basically put the gauntlet down that he was their pick. See that’s what we need more of: less scouts, more people who just watch a football game and know who’s good. And no one I’ve ever seen is as good in college at leading as VY.
12:24: EA sports is just killing Houston right now. My boy VY just said “I didn’t go # 1, and I definitely didn’t want to lose my first game back home in Houston” and showed his 40 yard run in OT to win it back in November. I’m hoping this trend of killing Houston continues all afternoon.
12:27: Al Davis throws a kink into the draft because he’s old. Matt Milen does the same because he’s a moron. Apparently they’re taking Calvin Johnson, the fourth WR in five years. But he still might get traded to Tampa. The Lions want 2 2nd round picks. That’s pretty high.
12:30: Calvin Johnson goes # 2. I saw this guy against Notre Dame and he was unbelievable. I mean 6’5” with a 4.35 IN SOMEONE ELSE’S SHOES. He wasn’t going to run at the combine and got pissed off and decided to run and he ran 4.35. And Mel Kiper hit on the biggest thing, he PLAYED WITH REGGIE BALL. Reggie Ball might have been the worst QB at a major college and they still made it to the ACC championship. He looked like a man against boys in the first half, and then they stopped going to him in the second half. ND put two people on him, when that still was a mismatch, but Reggie didn’t throw it to him. And now Steve Young just said that he didn’t throw blame on Reggie Ball when everyone knew it was his fault. I’m high as hell on this guy.
12:35: They just showed Brady with his arm around some girl. Please don’t tell me that was his girlfriend. I love you Brady, but you can do better. As Black Rob would say in 1998, her nose was “like whoa.” Also Brady, don’t slick your hair back like a douche bag. Enough people hate ND. Please don’t turn it into Duke basketball.
12:36: And our first Under Armor commercial. Not as good as last years, Nike seemed to get the majority of the first draftees and already has an ad campaign out. No Vernon Davis and his other wordly body this year.
12:40: See this is why you get your draft info from me: the hotness of Quinn’s girlfriend and Under Armor commercials.
12:42: And Cleveland selects Joe Thomas from Wisconsin. The first “curveball” of the draft as Berman said. I don’t like this guy. He’s on a fishing boat today. I can understand you don’t want to deal with all the BS of the draft. But don’t let the NFL network put a camera on your boat. Don’t pull the “I’m so real” shit with a camera on. The only one who does that is Jennifer Lopez, and the only reason I listened to that song was because Jadakiss and Styles were on that track.
12:44: Cleveland, you’re QB is Charlie Frye and your RB is Jamal Lewis. You’re officially on the clock for next years draft next year.
12:45: Tampa’s on the clock. How is it that Chris Simms is a starter in the NFL and Major Applewhite is the offensive coordinator at Alabama. Chris Simms sucked in college and Major would bring Texas back. And yes, I’m still mad about this 5 years later. I don’t know why. I’m a bitter, bitter man.
12:47: Mort just said Brady looked like a “magazine model” and then was speechless. That was fun. Brady’s now being interviewed by Suzy Kolber, and he looks like he’s at a wedding. Brady, your stock is going down in my book. We’ll get to that some more when he’s picked.
12:50: Keyshawn just called his backup QB “nothing, basically”. I’m sure Chris Weinke doesn’t appreciate that, but then again, Chris Weinke should just put a tube in his exhaust pipe and shut the windows.
12:54: Tampa picks Gaines Adams. I like him because he has something shaved into the side of his head. The legend of Anthony Mason lives on. Though I would be leery of selecting someone who apparently doesn’t care about run defense.
12:56: I love Madden. They’re not even selling the game, but the mystique of their game. They’re like Nike back in the day where they could have Jordan for 29 seconds and throw up the swoosh sign for a second and their stock would go up 2%. They even say “product not available” or something like that. I’ve had some more tequila so I’m not 100% right now.
1:03: Arizona takes Levi Brown, O Tackle from Penn State. Brady and Adrian Peterson are still available.
1:04: Washington is on the clock and I’m fully expecting anything from these morons. This is their only pick today because they traded the rest away. If they don’t take Abomi Okoye from Louisville or Laron Landry from LSU, they’re bigger morons.
1:08: They just said the Brady Quinn is showing a lot of poise. I agree because he had to deal with the worst loss in history. Worse than the Red Sox in game 6 in 86. During the 2006 Fiesta Bowl, not only did he get smacked around by Ohio State, but he had to deal with the fact that the linebacker doing that smacking would also be smacking his sister’s ass fairly soon. There’s also the possibility that he ran into an Ohio State groupie on the way to the airport and got a little dome action. Plus, Brent Musberger was commenting on his sister all afternoon. If a guy can deal with that, he can deal with anything.
1:17: The Redskins take Laron Landry. They just showed a highlight clip of him and he just annihilated a bunch of people. With him and Sean Taylor they have the best secondary for making Jacked Up.
1:18: Minnesota’s on the clock. C’mon flashback of them missing their pick.
1:21: Brooks Bollinger started 9 games last year for Minnesota. I’ve been on the Bollinger bus, and that’s never good.
1:24: If there’s more proof that the NFL is America’s game, the fact that they just had a fantasy football commercial for nfl.com’s “early bird specials”, that’s it. If you’re doing a fantasy draft before mini camps, you might have problems. And that’s from a guy who’s doing a running diary of their draft and made the draft the focus of his entire week.
1:25: Yes, the flashback of them missing their pick. I cannot wait for the flashback of bad Jets draft picks, if only because this is the first year I’ve ever been completely comfortable with the management making the pick. I have complete confidence in Mangenius and the Jew GM. In past years, seeing Herm Edwards made me want to do what Chris Weinke should do.
1:27: Minnesota selects Peterson. Tremendous pick. I love Peterson as well. This reminds me of the time Moss fell to them and he had a ridiculous rookie year. Peterson ran a 4.39 and is a beast. I love this pick. Keyshawn just summed it up: “I’m scared of this guy.” Add to the fact that their coach has a porn mustache, I might be scared of this team in the NFC North. I’ve enjoyed the Peterson experience the past 3 years. Just an absolute monster. I don’t think it’s possible for me to like this pick even more. Add to that his dad gets to see him now, and I’m genuinely happy for this guy. And Berman just quoted someone saying he’s a “violent runner.” Yes, lets all do a tequila shot for him. And by all, I mean just me.
1:34: They just did a side view of Quinn’s girlfriends face and it was like whoa squared. Plus she’s wearing a tie for some reason. Lindy Slinger, they just put her name on tv with the title of “Brady Quinn’s Girlfriend”. Now I know why Brady’s falling.
1:37: Tony Kornheiser just commented on Quinn looking stressed and that his collar came out of his vest. Brady just put his collar back in. That was the highlight of the draft so far.
1:38: Atlanta takes Jamaal Anderson from Arkansas. This is absolute sacrilege on Atlanta’s part. Does anyone else remember the Dirty Bird besides me? I mean, he ran 400+ times in their Super Bowl run in 1998. I just checked him out on Wikipedia and he now is trying his hand at broadcasting, sky diving and wine tasting. I don’t think you could pick 3 more different things. It also says “He is well-known for his Dirty Bird touchdown celebration, in which he flaps his arms like wings and gyrates in the crowd's direction.” Bobby Petrino, you suck.
1:42: Missed in this is that Okoye from Louisville is dropping.
1:42: I’m back enjoying Under Armor commercials because I have enough of a buzz that Steve Spurrier saying “Click, Clack” is hilarious.
1:43: They just showed my boy VY’s EA commercial again. The only way I could be more pleased is if they did a remix to the commercial with the Giants guy not tackling him because he was afraid of the roughing the QB call.
1:46: Steve Young is a very good QB analyst. He just hit on the fact that Brady isn’t accurate enough which I wholeheartedly agree with. That’s my biggest question about him. I’ve seen him for 4 years and he’s missed a lot of throws during that time. Mort just chimes in that Weis says the WR’s were running the routes wrong, so maybe I’m wrong. But my doubts on Charlie are a lot bigger this year than they were last year.
1:51: WOW!!!!! WOW!!!! Miami select Ted Ginn. WOW!!!! What an absolutely horrible pick. I was waiting for another hour to rip this guy, but lets do it now. Why not Brady? Apparently you love Dante Culpepper. Ted Ginn sucks. He can’t catch. He’s fast, but why? He’s awful as a receiver.
1:53: I feel bad for Brady now.
1:59: They’re doing a flashback of falling QB’s. Not good. I was set for the Miami pick. I was going to say how going with Ronnie Brown, Marty Booker and Chris Chambers was perfect. I was going to say how he could upgrade from Lindy on South Beach. Now I can’t. God awful pick with Ted Ginn.
2:01: This is why the draft is rivieting. Just watching someone losing $15 M in 3 hours. The next 5 selections all have their QB situation locked up if you consider J.P. Losman a lock. He could really fall.
2:04: Houston select Amobi Okoye. I thought you got your D lineman last year. You know instead of Reggie Bush and Vince Young. They could pick the next Bruce Smith and it’d still be inexcusable.
2:14: Brady’s falling so far, Roger Goddell asked him into a private room so the media won’t see him. This is getting worse.
2:16: Mort had to tell Keyshawn who his offensive coordinator is. Mort is the comedic relief today. Another reason I love the draft.
2:18: Patrick Willis from Ole Miss goes o San Fran. I could have told you that at the beginning of the day. The 49ers are a smart organization. I like what they’re doing. They just showed him with the absolute best tackle I’ve ever seen.
2:23: The only good part about this is that Lindy is downgrading in her mind from a Benz to Infiniti.
2:25: They are ripping him right now. The fact that his name is Brady is hurting him now. I mean, that’s just ridiculous.
2:26: Bruce Smith announces the Bills pick because he’s from VT. Somewhere, Jim is smiling. Marshawn Lynch from Cal. They need a running back so that’s why they got him. A bit of a reach. The Bills are good at reaching. They just showed him driving the medical cart around for some reason on the highlight reel. Mel Kiper was speechless. That’s gotta be a first.
2:29: Uh-oh, character issues came up for Marshawn. I think sexual assault is in his history. His draft photo is even shady. It’s sad that I know the arrest history of these guys.
2:30: I’m enjoying how they are saying J.P. Losman is the answer at QB at Buffalo. If that’s the answer, I guess the question has to be “who sucks?”
2:31: National Bingo Night starts May 18th on ABC. I’m strangely excited for this show. I don’t know why. Not quite Adrian Peterson to Minnesota excited, but I might tune in.
2:39: St Louis takes Adam Carriker from Nebraska. Eh, no comment on that one.
2:44: A trade. Jet fans just erupted. I just woke up. Let’s see what Goddell has to say. J-E-T-S just traded up. Not for Brady. They got Kelly Clemens last year and Chad is still good even though he can’t throw more than 20 yards. Carolina traded the pick and a 6th for the Jets 1, 2 and 5.
2:47: Steve Young is great. He just brought up that New England and the J-E-T-S might have both been on the phone with Carolina and that upped the price. He’s the best right now, like Jaws is during the regular season.
2:51: They just showed a Jets fan without teeth. That replaced Quinn fixing his collar.
2:53: The Jets picked the CB from Pittsburgh. I’m glad they didn’t take Leon Hall who got torched by Ted Ginn and Dwayne Jarrett this year, who was ranked higher by Mel Kiper.
2:54: They just showed a chick in the stands in a Quinn jersey who was hotter than Lindy. Go for it Brady.
2:54: I’m happy with the pick. Its good to have Mangini and the Jew running things now. Its relaxing on draft day as opposed to what it was. In retrospect, them not trading up for Reggie Bush last year was tremendously smart. Though I’m sure Eric isn’t concerned with how many times a Jets jersey shows up in a rap video.
2:56: They didn’t show the Jets retrospective. I’m disappointed.
2:59: Pittsburgh took a LB which was expected. Lawrence Timmons from FSU. They just showed him hitting the QB with a pressure, he then tackled the WR who caught the screen pass. That was impressive.
3:03: Mort just mentioned that Green Bay might take Quinn because they’re not big on Aaron Rodgers. If he ends up with AJ Hawk as a teammate, that’ll be rough.
3:06: Mort just got into it with Keyshawn and Young regarding if Green Bay should pick a WR. I’m surprised it took 3 hours for tensions to start running high.
3:08: Brady handled an interview with Suzy Kolber real well. Lindy wasn’t there. Gold digger. Steve Young just complemented it, and then said a GM told him Brady had the best interview in his 12 years. Steve is the best. And Mort is saying he’s behind Manning (not Eli) and Rivers in terms of intangibles.
3:13: Green Bay takes a DT from Tennessee. The fans don’t like it. I have no feelings on this pick. Mort goes back again with Keyshawn and Young if they should have gotten an offensive player.
3:22: I love Jaws, but Rex Grossman isn’t the answer at QB for anyone.
3:23: Uh oh, trade. Denver’s on the clock with 3 minutes until their pick. They just traded a 3 and next years 6 to move up 4 picks. Ummm….not big on that from Denver.
3:27: Jarvis Moss from Florida. DE to Denver.
3:34: Cincinnati’s on the board. Obligatory mention of the arrests. Leon Hall from Michigan got picked. Could have gone 10th, but goes 18. His overall body of work is outstanding despite getting torched by Ginn and Jarrett according to Kiper. Yeah, ok. I’m still happy with the Pittsburgh guy.
3:38: We’re off the tequila and just on Bud. I gotta make it until Brady gets picked. The Titans and G-Men are up next.
3:40: ESPN’s done a good job with the music. The Stones’ “You can’t always get what you want” is pretty fucking fitting for the draft.
3:41: The first Pacman Jones reference. If I ever win the lottery and they ask me what I’m doing with the money, I’ve already decided that I’m saying “Making it rain, Pacman Jones style.”
3:43: Roger Goddell has done a hell of a job in his first year, I gotta say that. My only gripe is that he says “(Insert team name here) fans, what you’ve all been waiting for” before announcing the pick. That’s just gay.
3:47: Great quotes on espn.com from Dolphins fans.:
The Dolphins passed on a franchise quarterback for a kick/punt returner! The Dolphins should not be allowed to handle their own draft.
It's gonna be great having Ginn return it to the 35-yard line to start every drive before whatever retread we line up behind center goes three-and-out
They also compared their draft to Houston’s last year. As a fan of a fellow AFC East team, I’m ecstatic. That was my biggest worry with Brady going to Miami, is that I’d have to root against him twice a year. I already have to root for Tom Brady, who’s now my soul mate in illegitimate kids, so I can’t have a quarter of the season where I’m conflicted. Plus its hard to root against Belichik because of his fashion sense. I mean, he just doesn’t care and I can respect that.
3:49: Tennessee took a safety from Texas. VY can’t be happy. He needed a WR.
3:50: Steve Young is completely anti-defense at any point in the first round. You need to send a message to your QB apparently.
3:54: Berman just described the Giants season as “tumultuous.” That’s the biggest understatement of the year. Anytime your fans outright hate you, it can’t be a good season. Its pretty hard to have a fan base that hates your QB, RB and WR and still make the playoffs, but somehow the Giants pulled it off. To me, the biggest douche bag in this whole thing is Tiki. Its bad enough to say your done after this year in week 6, but to tell them you want to go out with your full abilities so you can host The Freakin’ Today Show. That just shows that you’re not completely bought in to the team thing and you’re putting yourself before the team. Tiki can rot in hell for all I care and I’m not even a Giants fan. That’s just me as an athlete.
3:57: The Giants pick Aaron Ross, CB from Texas. Giants fans seem happy. Keyshawn endorses it as well. For a CB, he has some big hits.
4:00: Aaron Ross’s girlfriend is a world class sprinter. I’ve seen her on espn.com and she’s hotter than Lindy. Maybe I’m just more turned on by track girls. Steve Young makes another comment about how this doesn’t help Eli. So is Mort. Wasn’t he a #1 pick? Sorry, sensitive territory there.
4:03: Jacksonville picks Reggie Nelson, S from Florida. The crew seems to love it. There’s talk of Brady falling into the second round if Dallas or KC doesn’t take him in the next two picks.
4:07: What’s more astonishing. That Ed Werder sends Tony Romo text messages or Tony Romo’s astonishment that they’d pick Quinn?
4:10: It just hits me that there’s a very good chance that this pick will be involved in my life a lot more fairly shortly considering Dallas in on the clock. More so that Laron Landry will be next year.
4:13: If there are any Houston Texan fans left, I’m sure they’ve killed themselves after this draft. EA has done everything except highlight that they’re best defensive rookie came in the second round.
4:16: Uh oh a trade. Nothing puts a hop in my step like that. Cleveland’s on the clock. BRADY QUINN!!!
4:17: NY loves him. Brady’s handling this very well. I tell you what, I wasn’t completely sold on him before, but I’m glad for Brady. Lot less pressure. He goes where he wants to go. I’m about to send an e-mail to some guy I work with who’s a Browns fan and congratulate him.
4:19: Brady’s in pretty much the same situation as he could have been in Miami, maybe better. Kellen Winslow, Braylan Edwards, Jamal Lewis, and a new tackle.
4:20: The Browns traded their second round and next years # 1. Pretty high. I retract my comment about them being # 1 next year though, but they have a brutal schedule. Six games against Cincy, Baltimore and Pittsburgh.
4:30: Dammit, Cleveland doesn’t have hot chicks and those that are there, LeBron probably has the rest on lock. Looks like Lindy stays.
4:32: KC takes Dwayne Bowe. I was waiting until he was picked regardless to stop watching. Why you ask? Because I was listening to Kiper talk about him and asked where I’ve heard that name before. From Heat of course, possibly my favorite movie of all time. Wayne Groh is the guy who had De Niro come back to kill before making his escape which allowed Pacino to catch him. Good times!
4:36: And New England’s on the clock who are legitimately scary. They took a team that was up 21-3 in the de facto championship game and got the best free agent, the best free agent WR (their one weak area) and now have two first round picks. The favorite to win the championship next year, and if not, they should be. Indy lost their two starting CBs and Manning can shit fucking gold once in awhile. You still have to deal with his chocking.
4:46: New England get Brandon Meriweather from Miami. He stomped somebody in the Miami-FIU game, and has a handgun incident. “The Bengals couldn’t have taken him, the Patriots can.” Mort sums it all up. He returned fire at someone who shot at a roommate. “Yes, that was poor judgment, but it was legal.” And you wonder why I love the draft.
4:51: Sean Salisbury makes one of the few good points in his career saying that Belichik has a fear factor and no one leave New England with a character problem. I would never want to be in a room by myself with Belichik, let’s just say that.
4:55: The Panthers take Jon Beason, LB Miami. Keyshawn says he likes it off-camera that was captured on the mike.
4:57: Philly’s on the clock and their fans are already making a commotion and Rocky’s blaring from the speakers. Philly fans are completely nuts if you didn’t know.
4:58: Keyshawn’s not awful. In fact, he’s making good points if you can keep him of the USC subject. I was wrong.
4:59: Philly traded down to Dallas. Not sure how these two got on the phone together. There’s a lot of WR still on the board so maybe that’s why Dallas traded up. Let’s see what they gave up.
5:02: Philly gets a 2, 3 and a 5. Good play for them.
5:06: Dallas gets Anthony Spencer from Purdue. Kiper loves this guy. And Kiper fulfils this by raving about him. It’s bad when I can predict commenter comments.
5:17: Jaws breaks down the way to play quarterback in the NFL: anticipation. Good stuff in the Jaws view of him making throws before receivers get our of their route. Jaws is the best analyst by far.
5:19: Saints get Robert Meachem from Tennesse WR.
5:23: Mark May rips the Ted Ginn pick. Apparently Dolphin fans booed the pick at a draft party in Miami. I’m not the only one who thought that was retarded.
5:31: Pats trade their pick to Niners. Did I hear a niner in there? Are you talking from a walkie talkie?
5:34: The Niners get Joe Staley from their walkie talkie. Any time you have an offensive tackle from the MAC you have to make that trade.
5:35: The big trend from this draft is to pick guys who “love football.” As opposed to their previous policy of picking guys who love to commit felonies and play football on Sundays.
5:45: Baltimore takes an OL from Auburn. I’m just flipping back between the draft and Yankees-Red Sox at this point. Wakefield just got Matsui to pop out with the bases loaded. Yanks are up 2-0, but are in post season form. Anytime Bobby Abreu is bunting to get on base, I think you’re a desperate team.
5:50: Keyshawn is advocating for Dwayne Jarrett to go to San Diego. Keyshawn said this was the ideal place since Norv Turner picked Michael Westbrook in Washington….uummmm not the best comparison Keyshawn.
5:53: They just showed Greg Olsen from Miami smiling with his ridiculously hot girlfriend. Miami’s the place to be. Unfortunatley, Drew Rosenhaus is his agent, so I’m sure he’s been hitting on her all afternoon. That man is the devil. Doesn’t Olsen know that’s probably why he went this late.
5:57: Chargers take Craig Davis WR from LSU. Umm….Russell was throwing to two 1st round picks and he had an impressive game against Notre Dame’s defense. I’m even more suspicious.
5:59: Kiper just rattled off every wide receiver’s 40 time to the hundredths of a second that could get drafted there to shut Keyshawn up. He’s the absolute best.
6:10: Greg Olsen goes to Chicago. His father’s wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Let’s just say that wouldn’t be dad’s outfit if we got drafted.
6:12: Ok, Indy’s on the clock. It’s nap time again for me soon. This has been a long 6 hours. We need more drafts where the Vikings don’t pick and teams take 30 seconds in making a decision.
6:19: Apparently this is the longest 1st round in NFL history. Indy takes Anthony Gonzalez from Ohio St. Good pick, and on that note, I’m done. See you next year.
6:24, We’re not done yet. Belichick is on with a peach/pink tie. This is a tremendous development. He’s justifying selecting the stomper/shooter/safety. I wish I could properly describe the outfit Bill is wearing but my vocabulary isn’t that good. Just a tremendous 5 minutes of television.
POST DRAFT INFO YOU NEED TO KNOW
A few things that you probably should know that occurred after the draft that may affect what I said above. All of that was in real time. Here’s a few things I didn’t know:
1. Miami took John Beck, QB from BYU in the second round. This guy was moving up a lot of draft boards and I guess that was the quarterback they were targeting all along. I think a lot of teams didn’t see much difference between him and Quinn so they didn’t want to pay 1st round money for Quinn. Still doesn’t excuse taking Ted Ginn 10 picks too early.
2. Even better, on Monday, Ginn said he might not be ready for training camp in August because of a foot injury. Miami fans just shot themselves.
3. Detroit did the same thing. They got Stanton from Michigan St. in round 2.
4. New England got the best player in the draft in round 4, when they traded their pick for Randy Moss. I think I love this more than the Adrian Peterson pick. Moss is reworking his contract as well. A few people are saying that New England doesn’t need him and the risk of him becoming a locker room cancer is too much. First off, Brady, Belichick and Bruschi aren’t taking crap from anyone. All prior teams needed to coddle Randy because they needed him to win. New England doesn’t. They can cut him at any time if necessary. Second, Randy reportedly ran a 4.29-4.30 in the past week. That would make him the fastest one in this years draft. I see nothing but upside for New England for this trade. Peter King notes that New England might have had the greatest off-season ever before this. Getting Moss makes it ridiculous.
5. In what might overtake Mr. T getting T Cell cancer as definition of irony, Keyshawn was released by Carolina three days after they selected Dwayne Jarrett, who Keyshawn advocated every team to pick. That’ll be the second team that released Keyshawn. Wayne Chrebett has never been released.
6. I have to take back some of what I said about Lindy. After some research (if you don’t think I’m going to spend time looking this stuff up, you really don’t know me. How did the world function before Google? ) Apparently, Lindy is a soccer player from University of Miami (OH) and from Dublin, OH. So I’d assume that she’s been with him since high school. I take back the gold digger line Lindy. If you can stick with him through the Ty Willingham times, she can’t be that bad. Secondly, her picture on the website makes her look a lot better from the front. ESPN, why did you give me the side view. I feel bad about this.
Another year, another NFL draft that I’m hung over for. Much like the Masters, it’s becoming a tradition unlike any other. I’m watching Sports Center now getting ready for this years draft. Remind me not to be alive on September 8th. Virginia Tech plays LSU. Normally, this would be interesting to me. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can deal with the whole “who’s tragedies were worse and who recovered the best” contest that will come out of it. We’re 3 minutes into this diary and I’m already negative. You’d probably want to carve out a bunch of time for this. We’re looking at a bunch of pages on 8 font.
Man, do I love the draft. They had an article in Sports Illustrated this week and some one was making the case that the draft is the biggest event in sports. It sounded ridiculous at first, but what other event do people prep months for? It might not be the cultural event that the Super Bowl or other championships are, but it’s more of an event for true fans. Random people don’t watch the draft, but NFL fans live for it. Add to the fact that every team has a stake in it (except for the Redskins. They have the 6th pick and that’s it for them on Saturday. I think they have three guys who played 10% of their downs this year total in exchange. As a football fan, I’m not enjoying the Daniel Snyder era) and it gets more interesting. Besides Colts and Bears fans, who really cared who won? I mean, the gamblers obviously, but that’s how they make it interesting to the rest of us. The draft, I’m sitting here seeing maybe 20 downs of Miami football all year, and I’m hoping their tight end is there at 26 to the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets.
They just showed the four consecutive home runs the Red Sox hit last week…in Spanish. Picture your typical soccer announcer announcing baseball and you get how insane that guy was. Just a great moment. The Yankees are pathetic now and I’m kind of enjoying it, but its not the same. I guess this is how the CIA felt after the Soviet Union fell. I need a new, capable enemy. The one thing that’s really bothering is Rivera. He’s not the same, his cutter just isn’t cutting. As much as I hate the Yankees, I have the utmost respect for the real Yankees (Jeter, Rivera, Bernie Williams. Posada’s still a prick though) and I’m kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop with Yankee fans where they get on Rivera and start booing him. If they ever do a countdown of Yankee Fans Douchebaggery, the moment they booed Rivera IN APRIL should be number one. Here’s the best pitcher of the past 20 years (I don’t recognize Clemens. He’s on steroids or something and I will not debate this. We question how Bonds gets better at 35, but credit Clemens resurgence to running 4 miles a day? Yeah, OK. If he was breaking pitching’s hallowed records, please believe that someone from a Texas newspaper would be investigating. Plus, he hasn’t come through in the post season. And him throwing a bat at Piazza and not getting ejecting might be the biggest injustice in my life. I’m still pissed about this six and half years later. And yes, I just inserted the Stephen A. Smith ‘please believe’ phrase. See what he does to me? He turns me into Stephen A. Smith) and should be above any criticism. But if the Yankees pick up Clemens, my sympathies for the Yankees ends. I hope they lose 100 games then.
Also on Sportscenter, they just had the former Titans GM talking about the time he pulled one over on the Giants when they got Shockey. Yet, Coughlin couldn’t pull one over on him. If that doesn’t make you hate your life, I don’t know what will. Also, apparently Keyshawn Johnson will be on set of today’s draft. Why? Why? I know they got rid of Michael Irvin, but why? You get the same irrational wide receiver opinions without the comedic joy of realizing “wait, this guy was found in a motel room with hookers and crack.” You can’t put a price on that ESPN. And Keyshawn just advocated for a guy who was kicked out of USC for selling ecstasy. It takes a lot to get kicked out of USC (free housing, steroids, etc) and this guy managed to do it. And yes, I’m still extremely bitter about Bush’s push. If Keyshawn’s going to push USC guys today, this running diary might end earlier than expected. And Sportscenter just had a tease asking how Brady Quinn is like Derek Jeter . It’s 10:38, I’ve had one margarita and its nap time for me before I see that piece. Be back in an hour.
11:59 AM, and we’re back. ESPN’s about to go through its ridiculous pregame. Uh oh. They have Rocky music in the background. If I could be more excited, I don’t know if its possible. Good call ESPN. It’s like Rocky meets Wall Street.
12:01 PM: We’re hear at the “Annual Selection Meeting of the National Football League.” That’s another reason I love the draft. For the way it takes itself so seriously. That and Mel Kiper Jr. Does anyone in America have a better job? He watches football all year, but only works the month of April. I think ESPN sent out a memo comparing him to Santa in that he only works one day a year.
12:04 PM: And NY is booing Keyshawn. I miss NY sometimes. They also booed Mike Vick (well deserved by the way for his utterly ridiculous behavior recently) during the Virginia Tech tribute.
12:07: And we’ve had our first Coors Light commercial. Then a Madden 08 commercial where Reggie Bush thanks Houston for not taking him. It’s a year later and that’s still the dumbest thing of all time. Bush and Vince Young going after Mario Williams is the Bowie over Jordan for the 21st century, if Bowie went over both Jordan and Olajuwon.
12:09: Oakland’s on the clock, and Chris Berman can say “Da Raidas” as only he can as much as he can in the next 15 minutes. Over/Under is 3.5.
12:11: I love the phrase “multiple trade situations” with the first pick. And the “unprecedented” level of silence in the green room because no one knows what Al Davis will do. Ja Marcus Russell can apparently throw the ball 85 yards. How that’s a relevant skill, I’ll never know. Throwing it 64 yards on a knee was pretty impressive though. They just showed the video of it, and its pretty cool.
12:16: Thank you Steve Young for saying “I would not put a premium on arm strength.” His three skills are leadership, aptitude and accuracy. On ESPN a scout the other day they had leadership as the # 5 on the skills he looks in a QB. I think the thing we learned with Vince Young is that all that throwing shit goes out the window. If Tom Brady was killed in a airplane going back and forth between his baby mommas, Vince Young might be the QB I pick if my team had to win one game for my life. We’ll be back in a bit on this after the first pick.
12:20: Ja Marcus Russell goes # 1. And Notre Dame’s defense gets another QB millions of dollars. I’m not extremely high on him. The one game I really saw him at Auburn, his team scored 7 points. And he had some awful throws and decisions on the final drive. Plus, he was on BET the other day and looked just like Young Jeezy. I like my QB to not look like a rap star. Maybe that’s just me.
12:22: And we’ve had our first Eli mention. “The jury is out on Eli as the first pick.” I’m just trying to antagonize you today, you know that, right?
12:22: Ok, back to Vince. Let’s not get it confused. The only reason he went # 3 last year was because Tennessee’s owner basically put the gauntlet down that he was their pick. See that’s what we need more of: less scouts, more people who just watch a football game and know who’s good. And no one I’ve ever seen is as good in college at leading as VY.
12:24: EA sports is just killing Houston right now. My boy VY just said “I didn’t go # 1, and I definitely didn’t want to lose my first game back home in Houston” and showed his 40 yard run in OT to win it back in November. I’m hoping this trend of killing Houston continues all afternoon.
12:27: Al Davis throws a kink into the draft because he’s old. Matt Milen does the same because he’s a moron. Apparently they’re taking Calvin Johnson, the fourth WR in five years. But he still might get traded to Tampa. The Lions want 2 2nd round picks. That’s pretty high.
12:30: Calvin Johnson goes # 2. I saw this guy against Notre Dame and he was unbelievable. I mean 6’5” with a 4.35 IN SOMEONE ELSE’S SHOES. He wasn’t going to run at the combine and got pissed off and decided to run and he ran 4.35. And Mel Kiper hit on the biggest thing, he PLAYED WITH REGGIE BALL. Reggie Ball might have been the worst QB at a major college and they still made it to the ACC championship. He looked like a man against boys in the first half, and then they stopped going to him in the second half. ND put two people on him, when that still was a mismatch, but Reggie didn’t throw it to him. And now Steve Young just said that he didn’t throw blame on Reggie Ball when everyone knew it was his fault. I’m high as hell on this guy.
12:35: They just showed Brady with his arm around some girl. Please don’t tell me that was his girlfriend. I love you Brady, but you can do better. As Black Rob would say in 1998, her nose was “like whoa.” Also Brady, don’t slick your hair back like a douche bag. Enough people hate ND. Please don’t turn it into Duke basketball.
12:36: And our first Under Armor commercial. Not as good as last years, Nike seemed to get the majority of the first draftees and already has an ad campaign out. No Vernon Davis and his other wordly body this year.
12:40: See this is why you get your draft info from me: the hotness of Quinn’s girlfriend and Under Armor commercials.
12:42: And Cleveland selects Joe Thomas from Wisconsin. The first “curveball” of the draft as Berman said. I don’t like this guy. He’s on a fishing boat today. I can understand you don’t want to deal with all the BS of the draft. But don’t let the NFL network put a camera on your boat. Don’t pull the “I’m so real” shit with a camera on. The only one who does that is Jennifer Lopez, and the only reason I listened to that song was because Jadakiss and Styles were on that track.
12:44: Cleveland, you’re QB is Charlie Frye and your RB is Jamal Lewis. You’re officially on the clock for next years draft next year.
12:45: Tampa’s on the clock. How is it that Chris Simms is a starter in the NFL and Major Applewhite is the offensive coordinator at Alabama. Chris Simms sucked in college and Major would bring Texas back. And yes, I’m still mad about this 5 years later. I don’t know why. I’m a bitter, bitter man.
12:47: Mort just said Brady looked like a “magazine model” and then was speechless. That was fun. Brady’s now being interviewed by Suzy Kolber, and he looks like he’s at a wedding. Brady, your stock is going down in my book. We’ll get to that some more when he’s picked.
12:50: Keyshawn just called his backup QB “nothing, basically”. I’m sure Chris Weinke doesn’t appreciate that, but then again, Chris Weinke should just put a tube in his exhaust pipe and shut the windows.
12:54: Tampa picks Gaines Adams. I like him because he has something shaved into the side of his head. The legend of Anthony Mason lives on. Though I would be leery of selecting someone who apparently doesn’t care about run defense.
12:56: I love Madden. They’re not even selling the game, but the mystique of their game. They’re like Nike back in the day where they could have Jordan for 29 seconds and throw up the swoosh sign for a second and their stock would go up 2%. They even say “product not available” or something like that. I’ve had some more tequila so I’m not 100% right now.
1:03: Arizona takes Levi Brown, O Tackle from Penn State. Brady and Adrian Peterson are still available.
1:04: Washington is on the clock and I’m fully expecting anything from these morons. This is their only pick today because they traded the rest away. If they don’t take Abomi Okoye from Louisville or Laron Landry from LSU, they’re bigger morons.
1:08: They just said the Brady Quinn is showing a lot of poise. I agree because he had to deal with the worst loss in history. Worse than the Red Sox in game 6 in 86. During the 2006 Fiesta Bowl, not only did he get smacked around by Ohio State, but he had to deal with the fact that the linebacker doing that smacking would also be smacking his sister’s ass fairly soon. There’s also the possibility that he ran into an Ohio State groupie on the way to the airport and got a little dome action. Plus, Brent Musberger was commenting on his sister all afternoon. If a guy can deal with that, he can deal with anything.
1:17: The Redskins take Laron Landry. They just showed a highlight clip of him and he just annihilated a bunch of people. With him and Sean Taylor they have the best secondary for making Jacked Up.
1:18: Minnesota’s on the clock. C’mon flashback of them missing their pick.
1:21: Brooks Bollinger started 9 games last year for Minnesota. I’ve been on the Bollinger bus, and that’s never good.
1:24: If there’s more proof that the NFL is America’s game, the fact that they just had a fantasy football commercial for nfl.com’s “early bird specials”, that’s it. If you’re doing a fantasy draft before mini camps, you might have problems. And that’s from a guy who’s doing a running diary of their draft and made the draft the focus of his entire week.
1:25: Yes, the flashback of them missing their pick. I cannot wait for the flashback of bad Jets draft picks, if only because this is the first year I’ve ever been completely comfortable with the management making the pick. I have complete confidence in Mangenius and the Jew GM. In past years, seeing Herm Edwards made me want to do what Chris Weinke should do.
1:27: Minnesota selects Peterson. Tremendous pick. I love Peterson as well. This reminds me of the time Moss fell to them and he had a ridiculous rookie year. Peterson ran a 4.39 and is a beast. I love this pick. Keyshawn just summed it up: “I’m scared of this guy.” Add to the fact that their coach has a porn mustache, I might be scared of this team in the NFC North. I’ve enjoyed the Peterson experience the past 3 years. Just an absolute monster. I don’t think it’s possible for me to like this pick even more. Add to that his dad gets to see him now, and I’m genuinely happy for this guy. And Berman just quoted someone saying he’s a “violent runner.” Yes, lets all do a tequila shot for him. And by all, I mean just me.
1:34: They just did a side view of Quinn’s girlfriends face and it was like whoa squared. Plus she’s wearing a tie for some reason. Lindy Slinger, they just put her name on tv with the title of “Brady Quinn’s Girlfriend”. Now I know why Brady’s falling.
1:37: Tony Kornheiser just commented on Quinn looking stressed and that his collar came out of his vest. Brady just put his collar back in. That was the highlight of the draft so far.
1:38: Atlanta takes Jamaal Anderson from Arkansas. This is absolute sacrilege on Atlanta’s part. Does anyone else remember the Dirty Bird besides me? I mean, he ran 400+ times in their Super Bowl run in 1998. I just checked him out on Wikipedia and he now is trying his hand at broadcasting, sky diving and wine tasting. I don’t think you could pick 3 more different things. It also says “He is well-known for his Dirty Bird touchdown celebration, in which he flaps his arms like wings and gyrates in the crowd's direction.” Bobby Petrino, you suck.
1:42: Missed in this is that Okoye from Louisville is dropping.
1:42: I’m back enjoying Under Armor commercials because I have enough of a buzz that Steve Spurrier saying “Click, Clack” is hilarious.
1:43: They just showed my boy VY’s EA commercial again. The only way I could be more pleased is if they did a remix to the commercial with the Giants guy not tackling him because he was afraid of the roughing the QB call.
1:46: Steve Young is a very good QB analyst. He just hit on the fact that Brady isn’t accurate enough which I wholeheartedly agree with. That’s my biggest question about him. I’ve seen him for 4 years and he’s missed a lot of throws during that time. Mort just chimes in that Weis says the WR’s were running the routes wrong, so maybe I’m wrong. But my doubts on Charlie are a lot bigger this year than they were last year.
1:51: WOW!!!!! WOW!!!! Miami select Ted Ginn. WOW!!!! What an absolutely horrible pick. I was waiting for another hour to rip this guy, but lets do it now. Why not Brady? Apparently you love Dante Culpepper. Ted Ginn sucks. He can’t catch. He’s fast, but why? He’s awful as a receiver.
1:53: I feel bad for Brady now.
1:59: They’re doing a flashback of falling QB’s. Not good. I was set for the Miami pick. I was going to say how going with Ronnie Brown, Marty Booker and Chris Chambers was perfect. I was going to say how he could upgrade from Lindy on South Beach. Now I can’t. God awful pick with Ted Ginn.
2:01: This is why the draft is rivieting. Just watching someone losing $15 M in 3 hours. The next 5 selections all have their QB situation locked up if you consider J.P. Losman a lock. He could really fall.
2:04: Houston select Amobi Okoye. I thought you got your D lineman last year. You know instead of Reggie Bush and Vince Young. They could pick the next Bruce Smith and it’d still be inexcusable.
2:14: Brady’s falling so far, Roger Goddell asked him into a private room so the media won’t see him. This is getting worse.
2:16: Mort had to tell Keyshawn who his offensive coordinator is. Mort is the comedic relief today. Another reason I love the draft.
2:18: Patrick Willis from Ole Miss goes o San Fran. I could have told you that at the beginning of the day. The 49ers are a smart organization. I like what they’re doing. They just showed him with the absolute best tackle I’ve ever seen.
2:23: The only good part about this is that Lindy is downgrading in her mind from a Benz to Infiniti.
2:25: They are ripping him right now. The fact that his name is Brady is hurting him now. I mean, that’s just ridiculous.
2:26: Bruce Smith announces the Bills pick because he’s from VT. Somewhere, Jim is smiling. Marshawn Lynch from Cal. They need a running back so that’s why they got him. A bit of a reach. The Bills are good at reaching. They just showed him driving the medical cart around for some reason on the highlight reel. Mel Kiper was speechless. That’s gotta be a first.
2:29: Uh-oh, character issues came up for Marshawn. I think sexual assault is in his history. His draft photo is even shady. It’s sad that I know the arrest history of these guys.
2:30: I’m enjoying how they are saying J.P. Losman is the answer at QB at Buffalo. If that’s the answer, I guess the question has to be “who sucks?”
2:31: National Bingo Night starts May 18th on ABC. I’m strangely excited for this show. I don’t know why. Not quite Adrian Peterson to Minnesota excited, but I might tune in.
2:39: St Louis takes Adam Carriker from Nebraska. Eh, no comment on that one.
2:44: A trade. Jet fans just erupted. I just woke up. Let’s see what Goddell has to say. J-E-T-S just traded up. Not for Brady. They got Kelly Clemens last year and Chad is still good even though he can’t throw more than 20 yards. Carolina traded the pick and a 6th for the Jets 1, 2 and 5.
2:47: Steve Young is great. He just brought up that New England and the J-E-T-S might have both been on the phone with Carolina and that upped the price. He’s the best right now, like Jaws is during the regular season.
2:51: They just showed a Jets fan without teeth. That replaced Quinn fixing his collar.
2:53: The Jets picked the CB from Pittsburgh. I’m glad they didn’t take Leon Hall who got torched by Ted Ginn and Dwayne Jarrett this year, who was ranked higher by Mel Kiper.
2:54: They just showed a chick in the stands in a Quinn jersey who was hotter than Lindy. Go for it Brady.
2:54: I’m happy with the pick. Its good to have Mangini and the Jew running things now. Its relaxing on draft day as opposed to what it was. In retrospect, them not trading up for Reggie Bush last year was tremendously smart. Though I’m sure Eric isn’t concerned with how many times a Jets jersey shows up in a rap video.
2:56: They didn’t show the Jets retrospective. I’m disappointed.
2:59: Pittsburgh took a LB which was expected. Lawrence Timmons from FSU. They just showed him hitting the QB with a pressure, he then tackled the WR who caught the screen pass. That was impressive.
3:03: Mort just mentioned that Green Bay might take Quinn because they’re not big on Aaron Rodgers. If he ends up with AJ Hawk as a teammate, that’ll be rough.
3:06: Mort just got into it with Keyshawn and Young regarding if Green Bay should pick a WR. I’m surprised it took 3 hours for tensions to start running high.
3:08: Brady handled an interview with Suzy Kolber real well. Lindy wasn’t there. Gold digger. Steve Young just complemented it, and then said a GM told him Brady had the best interview in his 12 years. Steve is the best. And Mort is saying he’s behind Manning (not Eli) and Rivers in terms of intangibles.
3:13: Green Bay takes a DT from Tennessee. The fans don’t like it. I have no feelings on this pick. Mort goes back again with Keyshawn and Young if they should have gotten an offensive player.
3:22: I love Jaws, but Rex Grossman isn’t the answer at QB for anyone.
3:23: Uh oh, trade. Denver’s on the clock with 3 minutes until their pick. They just traded a 3 and next years 6 to move up 4 picks. Ummm….not big on that from Denver.
3:27: Jarvis Moss from Florida. DE to Denver.
3:34: Cincinnati’s on the board. Obligatory mention of the arrests. Leon Hall from Michigan got picked. Could have gone 10th, but goes 18. His overall body of work is outstanding despite getting torched by Ginn and Jarrett according to Kiper. Yeah, ok. I’m still happy with the Pittsburgh guy.
3:38: We’re off the tequila and just on Bud. I gotta make it until Brady gets picked. The Titans and G-Men are up next.
3:40: ESPN’s done a good job with the music. The Stones’ “You can’t always get what you want” is pretty fucking fitting for the draft.
3:41: The first Pacman Jones reference. If I ever win the lottery and they ask me what I’m doing with the money, I’ve already decided that I’m saying “Making it rain, Pacman Jones style.”
3:43: Roger Goddell has done a hell of a job in his first year, I gotta say that. My only gripe is that he says “(Insert team name here) fans, what you’ve all been waiting for” before announcing the pick. That’s just gay.
3:47: Great quotes on espn.com from Dolphins fans.:
The Dolphins passed on a franchise quarterback for a kick/punt returner! The Dolphins should not be allowed to handle their own draft.
It's gonna be great having Ginn return it to the 35-yard line to start every drive before whatever retread we line up behind center goes three-and-out
They also compared their draft to Houston’s last year. As a fan of a fellow AFC East team, I’m ecstatic. That was my biggest worry with Brady going to Miami, is that I’d have to root against him twice a year. I already have to root for Tom Brady, who’s now my soul mate in illegitimate kids, so I can’t have a quarter of the season where I’m conflicted. Plus its hard to root against Belichik because of his fashion sense. I mean, he just doesn’t care and I can respect that.
3:49: Tennessee took a safety from Texas. VY can’t be happy. He needed a WR.
3:50: Steve Young is completely anti-defense at any point in the first round. You need to send a message to your QB apparently.
3:54: Berman just described the Giants season as “tumultuous.” That’s the biggest understatement of the year. Anytime your fans outright hate you, it can’t be a good season. Its pretty hard to have a fan base that hates your QB, RB and WR and still make the playoffs, but somehow the Giants pulled it off. To me, the biggest douche bag in this whole thing is Tiki. Its bad enough to say your done after this year in week 6, but to tell them you want to go out with your full abilities so you can host The Freakin’ Today Show. That just shows that you’re not completely bought in to the team thing and you’re putting yourself before the team. Tiki can rot in hell for all I care and I’m not even a Giants fan. That’s just me as an athlete.
3:57: The Giants pick Aaron Ross, CB from Texas. Giants fans seem happy. Keyshawn endorses it as well. For a CB, he has some big hits.
4:00: Aaron Ross’s girlfriend is a world class sprinter. I’ve seen her on espn.com and she’s hotter than Lindy. Maybe I’m just more turned on by track girls. Steve Young makes another comment about how this doesn’t help Eli. So is Mort. Wasn’t he a #1 pick? Sorry, sensitive territory there.
4:03: Jacksonville picks Reggie Nelson, S from Florida. The crew seems to love it. There’s talk of Brady falling into the second round if Dallas or KC doesn’t take him in the next two picks.
4:07: What’s more astonishing. That Ed Werder sends Tony Romo text messages or Tony Romo’s astonishment that they’d pick Quinn?
4:10: It just hits me that there’s a very good chance that this pick will be involved in my life a lot more fairly shortly considering Dallas in on the clock. More so that Laron Landry will be next year.
4:13: If there are any Houston Texan fans left, I’m sure they’ve killed themselves after this draft. EA has done everything except highlight that they’re best defensive rookie came in the second round.
4:16: Uh oh a trade. Nothing puts a hop in my step like that. Cleveland’s on the clock. BRADY QUINN!!!
4:17: NY loves him. Brady’s handling this very well. I tell you what, I wasn’t completely sold on him before, but I’m glad for Brady. Lot less pressure. He goes where he wants to go. I’m about to send an e-mail to some guy I work with who’s a Browns fan and congratulate him.
4:19: Brady’s in pretty much the same situation as he could have been in Miami, maybe better. Kellen Winslow, Braylan Edwards, Jamal Lewis, and a new tackle.
4:20: The Browns traded their second round and next years # 1. Pretty high. I retract my comment about them being # 1 next year though, but they have a brutal schedule. Six games against Cincy, Baltimore and Pittsburgh.
4:30: Dammit, Cleveland doesn’t have hot chicks and those that are there, LeBron probably has the rest on lock. Looks like Lindy stays.
4:32: KC takes Dwayne Bowe. I was waiting until he was picked regardless to stop watching. Why you ask? Because I was listening to Kiper talk about him and asked where I’ve heard that name before. From Heat of course, possibly my favorite movie of all time. Wayne Groh is the guy who had De Niro come back to kill before making his escape which allowed Pacino to catch him. Good times!
4:36: And New England’s on the clock who are legitimately scary. They took a team that was up 21-3 in the de facto championship game and got the best free agent, the best free agent WR (their one weak area) and now have two first round picks. The favorite to win the championship next year, and if not, they should be. Indy lost their two starting CBs and Manning can shit fucking gold once in awhile. You still have to deal with his chocking.
4:46: New England get Brandon Meriweather from Miami. He stomped somebody in the Miami-FIU game, and has a handgun incident. “The Bengals couldn’t have taken him, the Patriots can.” Mort sums it all up. He returned fire at someone who shot at a roommate. “Yes, that was poor judgment, but it was legal.” And you wonder why I love the draft.
4:51: Sean Salisbury makes one of the few good points in his career saying that Belichik has a fear factor and no one leave New England with a character problem. I would never want to be in a room by myself with Belichik, let’s just say that.
4:55: The Panthers take Jon Beason, LB Miami. Keyshawn says he likes it off-camera that was captured on the mike.
4:57: Philly’s on the clock and their fans are already making a commotion and Rocky’s blaring from the speakers. Philly fans are completely nuts if you didn’t know.
4:58: Keyshawn’s not awful. In fact, he’s making good points if you can keep him of the USC subject. I was wrong.
4:59: Philly traded down to Dallas. Not sure how these two got on the phone together. There’s a lot of WR still on the board so maybe that’s why Dallas traded up. Let’s see what they gave up.
5:02: Philly gets a 2, 3 and a 5. Good play for them.
5:06: Dallas gets Anthony Spencer from Purdue. Kiper loves this guy. And Kiper fulfils this by raving about him. It’s bad when I can predict commenter comments.
5:17: Jaws breaks down the way to play quarterback in the NFL: anticipation. Good stuff in the Jaws view of him making throws before receivers get our of their route. Jaws is the best analyst by far.
5:19: Saints get Robert Meachem from Tennesse WR.
5:23: Mark May rips the Ted Ginn pick. Apparently Dolphin fans booed the pick at a draft party in Miami. I’m not the only one who thought that was retarded.
5:31: Pats trade their pick to Niners. Did I hear a niner in there? Are you talking from a walkie talkie?
5:34: The Niners get Joe Staley from their walkie talkie. Any time you have an offensive tackle from the MAC you have to make that trade.
5:35: The big trend from this draft is to pick guys who “love football.” As opposed to their previous policy of picking guys who love to commit felonies and play football on Sundays.
5:45: Baltimore takes an OL from Auburn. I’m just flipping back between the draft and Yankees-Red Sox at this point. Wakefield just got Matsui to pop out with the bases loaded. Yanks are up 2-0, but are in post season form. Anytime Bobby Abreu is bunting to get on base, I think you’re a desperate team.
5:50: Keyshawn is advocating for Dwayne Jarrett to go to San Diego. Keyshawn said this was the ideal place since Norv Turner picked Michael Westbrook in Washington….uummmm not the best comparison Keyshawn.
5:53: They just showed Greg Olsen from Miami smiling with his ridiculously hot girlfriend. Miami’s the place to be. Unfortunatley, Drew Rosenhaus is his agent, so I’m sure he’s been hitting on her all afternoon. That man is the devil. Doesn’t Olsen know that’s probably why he went this late.
5:57: Chargers take Craig Davis WR from LSU. Umm….Russell was throwing to two 1st round picks and he had an impressive game against Notre Dame’s defense. I’m even more suspicious.
5:59: Kiper just rattled off every wide receiver’s 40 time to the hundredths of a second that could get drafted there to shut Keyshawn up. He’s the absolute best.
6:10: Greg Olsen goes to Chicago. His father’s wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Let’s just say that wouldn’t be dad’s outfit if we got drafted.
6:12: Ok, Indy’s on the clock. It’s nap time again for me soon. This has been a long 6 hours. We need more drafts where the Vikings don’t pick and teams take 30 seconds in making a decision.
6:19: Apparently this is the longest 1st round in NFL history. Indy takes Anthony Gonzalez from Ohio St. Good pick, and on that note, I’m done. See you next year.
6:24, We’re not done yet. Belichick is on with a peach/pink tie. This is a tremendous development. He’s justifying selecting the stomper/shooter/safety. I wish I could properly describe the outfit Bill is wearing but my vocabulary isn’t that good. Just a tremendous 5 minutes of television.
POST DRAFT INFO YOU NEED TO KNOW
A few things that you probably should know that occurred after the draft that may affect what I said above. All of that was in real time. Here’s a few things I didn’t know:
1. Miami took John Beck, QB from BYU in the second round. This guy was moving up a lot of draft boards and I guess that was the quarterback they were targeting all along. I think a lot of teams didn’t see much difference between him and Quinn so they didn’t want to pay 1st round money for Quinn. Still doesn’t excuse taking Ted Ginn 10 picks too early.
2. Even better, on Monday, Ginn said he might not be ready for training camp in August because of a foot injury. Miami fans just shot themselves.
3. Detroit did the same thing. They got Stanton from Michigan St. in round 2.
4. New England got the best player in the draft in round 4, when they traded their pick for Randy Moss. I think I love this more than the Adrian Peterson pick. Moss is reworking his contract as well. A few people are saying that New England doesn’t need him and the risk of him becoming a locker room cancer is too much. First off, Brady, Belichick and Bruschi aren’t taking crap from anyone. All prior teams needed to coddle Randy because they needed him to win. New England doesn’t. They can cut him at any time if necessary. Second, Randy reportedly ran a 4.29-4.30 in the past week. That would make him the fastest one in this years draft. I see nothing but upside for New England for this trade. Peter King notes that New England might have had the greatest off-season ever before this. Getting Moss makes it ridiculous.
5. In what might overtake Mr. T getting T Cell cancer as definition of irony, Keyshawn was released by Carolina three days after they selected Dwayne Jarrett, who Keyshawn advocated every team to pick. That’ll be the second team that released Keyshawn. Wayne Chrebett has never been released.
6. I have to take back some of what I said about Lindy. After some research (if you don’t think I’m going to spend time looking this stuff up, you really don’t know me. How did the world function before Google? ) Apparently, Lindy is a soccer player from University of Miami (OH) and from Dublin, OH. So I’d assume that she’s been with him since high school. I take back the gold digger line Lindy. If you can stick with him through the Ty Willingham times, she can’t be that bad. Secondly, her picture on the website makes her look a lot better from the front. ESPN, why did you give me the side view. I feel bad about this.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Final NBA Barney Standings
It’s been a long and arduous season (for the players, not me. Well, probably arduous for my liver), but finally the playoffs are here. And I couldn’t be more excited. Time for the real season to begin. And that’s why I am now presenting the winners of the Barney Standings. Because the playoffs are no time to joke around (do you hear that Wizards?). Anyway, ‘cause I’m lazy, I’m just doing it college ranking style. I now present my final Top 10.
Also receiving votes:
Pacers – In the end, just too many depressing stories.
Bulls – Led the league in former college national champions suspended by their team.
10. 76ers – Only because one of their players was reported in the Post as hooking up with former porn star Mary Cary. And then finding up it was like the backup, backup center (Jason Smith). And that he described her as a “fantasy” or “goddess” or something like that. The NBA, where just being 7 feet tall gets you a quarter million dollars a year and porn stars happens.
9. Lakers – Did anyone else see Phil Jackson make a reference to Brokeback Mountain regarding someone’s aggressiveness and ESPN blowing this up into a story that he was offending people? If so, did you see Phil’s response in which he apologized to cowboys, horses and a slew of other random people? Hilarious. Kobe decided to jump over an Aston Martin which was pretty cool too. And they played the Nuggets in the first round, ensuring I get to continue making Kobe/Colorado jokes.
8. Hornets – Just because they brought back the Birdman. Hopefully he’ll fly again.
7. Cavs – Like the real team, strictly because of Lebron. His response to Deshawn Stevenson calling him “overrated” was classic: “That’s like Jay-Z getting mad at something Soulja Boy said.” Anytime you can put a guy in his place and dis Soulja Boy at the same time, you get the Barney Seal of Approval. They were also only funny to me when I realized that the players they traded for at the deadline were characters from “The Lebrons.” Ben Wallace was Wise (and just as old), Wally Serbiasadfjashbbzhdsa is Business (tell me you can see Wally checking himself in the mirror at least 20 times a day) and Delonte West is the Kid, mostly because he has a small head. Ok, maybe its only funny to me.
6. Suns – And not just because of Shaq. I love the Big Cactus nickname and that he joined the police force in Phoenix immediately after joining. But I also love that they played an elaborate joke on Barbosa when they convinced him he was traded to the Knicks. Leonardo was on the verge of tears. Shaq didn’t have many great quotes, but when he was chasing a ball going out of bounds and the entire Suns bench gets up and runs? That’s hilarious.
5. Nuggets – They’re here strictly off Melo’s DUI arrest. Carmelo Anthony Drunk will now be a step below Barney Drunk. Not able to stand up on one leg? Tell the officer, “I don’t have good balance.” Not able to walk a straight line and back? Just don’t walk back. And then have your fiancée not bail you out.
4. Knicks – Started off real strong with the Truck Party and all of that, but towards the end, just became too depressing. You get major points off in the Barney scoring system for disgracing the game of basketball, and these Knicks did that. It got to the point where what would normally be wacky hijinx (Nate Robinson and Zach Randolph throwing towels and water at each other during a time out for example) was not in good fun, but because these guys genuinely disliked each other. Anytime a team goes on the road and the other teams fans are chanting for someone to get fired, it may be entertaining, but in a way that doesn’t leave a smile on my face. Donnie Walsh could have made up for all of this by annihilating Isiah in his firing post conference, but chose to let the Pope in NYC steal the headlines. Peter Vescey killed the Knicks for this in Sunday’s Post by the way, an article I found highly entertaining.
3. Kings – Were a disappointment for most of the year, but Ron Ron came on strong in the end. We found out that he has a member of his entourage on staff to get him organic cookies late at night when he gets cravings and to handle “giant snake eggs” in his back yard (us normal folk call them mushrooms). And to top it off, he’s now in an ad for PETA. I usually don’t condone appearing in PETA adds (see the failed Free Mike Vick campaign), but for Ron Ron, I’ll let it slide (Artest can get away with pretty much anything in my book), if only because he was arrested for animal cruelty for not feeding his dogs or something like that. If SPENCER HAWES gave them anything this year, they could have been higher.
2. Warriors – A tough choice at # 2. Any other year, they might have been champs. First, they elected Stephen Jackson as their captain, who started the season suspended for a strip club shooting. Then Baron Davis started a book club and reviews movies online. Matt Barnes can go toe to toe with anyone in the league for bad tats. They even brought back Chris Webber for shits and giggles. Oh, and they were on my favorite poster since the early 90s. A solid # 2.
1. Wizards – Maybe it’s because I’m local and get to see their wackiness on a daily basis. Maybe it’s because DC Sports Blog on the Washington Post has the best coverage of any team’s day to day activities. But mostly, I think it’s because they’re the most ridiculous team in the NBA. They’re led by Arenas, who goes by Agent Zero and invites random people to his house to play paint ball. Their best player this year goes by the nickname “Tough Juice” and had a birthday party hosted by Kim Kardashian. And Deshawn Stevenson was the breakout player this year with his beard growing and challenging LeBron (stupidly I might add. Stupid, but entertaining). Plus when you have a reserve who got arrested for soliciting a prostitute at one of your main bar hopping places, which allows you to make continued jokes about finding hookers in Dupont Circle, well, that just puts you over the top. Chuck also called them the “dumbest team in the history of Western Civilization.” That didn’t hurt either. So congratulations to the Washington Wizards, 2007-2008 Barney League Champs. May you celebrate your win in style and hopefully multiple arrests.
Also receiving votes:
Pacers – In the end, just too many depressing stories.
Bulls – Led the league in former college national champions suspended by their team.
10. 76ers – Only because one of their players was reported in the Post as hooking up with former porn star Mary Cary. And then finding up it was like the backup, backup center (Jason Smith). And that he described her as a “fantasy” or “goddess” or something like that. The NBA, where just being 7 feet tall gets you a quarter million dollars a year and porn stars happens.
9. Lakers – Did anyone else see Phil Jackson make a reference to Brokeback Mountain regarding someone’s aggressiveness and ESPN blowing this up into a story that he was offending people? If so, did you see Phil’s response in which he apologized to cowboys, horses and a slew of other random people? Hilarious. Kobe decided to jump over an Aston Martin which was pretty cool too. And they played the Nuggets in the first round, ensuring I get to continue making Kobe/Colorado jokes.
8. Hornets – Just because they brought back the Birdman. Hopefully he’ll fly again.
7. Cavs – Like the real team, strictly because of Lebron. His response to Deshawn Stevenson calling him “overrated” was classic: “That’s like Jay-Z getting mad at something Soulja Boy said.” Anytime you can put a guy in his place and dis Soulja Boy at the same time, you get the Barney Seal of Approval. They were also only funny to me when I realized that the players they traded for at the deadline were characters from “The Lebrons.” Ben Wallace was Wise (and just as old), Wally Serbiasadfjashbbzhdsa is Business (tell me you can see Wally checking himself in the mirror at least 20 times a day) and Delonte West is the Kid, mostly because he has a small head. Ok, maybe its only funny to me.
6. Suns – And not just because of Shaq. I love the Big Cactus nickname and that he joined the police force in Phoenix immediately after joining. But I also love that they played an elaborate joke on Barbosa when they convinced him he was traded to the Knicks. Leonardo was on the verge of tears. Shaq didn’t have many great quotes, but when he was chasing a ball going out of bounds and the entire Suns bench gets up and runs? That’s hilarious.
5. Nuggets – They’re here strictly off Melo’s DUI arrest. Carmelo Anthony Drunk will now be a step below Barney Drunk. Not able to stand up on one leg? Tell the officer, “I don’t have good balance.” Not able to walk a straight line and back? Just don’t walk back. And then have your fiancée not bail you out.
4. Knicks – Started off real strong with the Truck Party and all of that, but towards the end, just became too depressing. You get major points off in the Barney scoring system for disgracing the game of basketball, and these Knicks did that. It got to the point where what would normally be wacky hijinx (Nate Robinson and Zach Randolph throwing towels and water at each other during a time out for example) was not in good fun, but because these guys genuinely disliked each other. Anytime a team goes on the road and the other teams fans are chanting for someone to get fired, it may be entertaining, but in a way that doesn’t leave a smile on my face. Donnie Walsh could have made up for all of this by annihilating Isiah in his firing post conference, but chose to let the Pope in NYC steal the headlines. Peter Vescey killed the Knicks for this in Sunday’s Post by the way, an article I found highly entertaining.
3. Kings – Were a disappointment for most of the year, but Ron Ron came on strong in the end. We found out that he has a member of his entourage on staff to get him organic cookies late at night when he gets cravings and to handle “giant snake eggs” in his back yard (us normal folk call them mushrooms). And to top it off, he’s now in an ad for PETA. I usually don’t condone appearing in PETA adds (see the failed Free Mike Vick campaign), but for Ron Ron, I’ll let it slide (Artest can get away with pretty much anything in my book), if only because he was arrested for animal cruelty for not feeding his dogs or something like that. If SPENCER HAWES gave them anything this year, they could have been higher.
2. Warriors – A tough choice at # 2. Any other year, they might have been champs. First, they elected Stephen Jackson as their captain, who started the season suspended for a strip club shooting. Then Baron Davis started a book club and reviews movies online. Matt Barnes can go toe to toe with anyone in the league for bad tats. They even brought back Chris Webber for shits and giggles. Oh, and they were on my favorite poster since the early 90s. A solid # 2.
1. Wizards – Maybe it’s because I’m local and get to see their wackiness on a daily basis. Maybe it’s because DC Sports Blog on the Washington Post has the best coverage of any team’s day to day activities. But mostly, I think it’s because they’re the most ridiculous team in the NBA. They’re led by Arenas, who goes by Agent Zero and invites random people to his house to play paint ball. Their best player this year goes by the nickname “Tough Juice” and had a birthday party hosted by Kim Kardashian. And Deshawn Stevenson was the breakout player this year with his beard growing and challenging LeBron (stupidly I might add. Stupid, but entertaining). Plus when you have a reserve who got arrested for soliciting a prostitute at one of your main bar hopping places, which allows you to make continued jokes about finding hookers in Dupont Circle, well, that just puts you over the top. Chuck also called them the “dumbest team in the history of Western Civilization.” That didn’t hurt either. So congratulations to the Washington Wizards, 2007-2008 Barney League Champs. May you celebrate your win in style and hopefully multiple arrests.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Top 7 - Isiah
It was rumored that the AP had written Britney Spears’ obituary while she was going through her tough times, just so they had something ready to go in the (likely) chance things ended badly. In the same manner, I’m writing my Top 7 Moments of the Isiah era before it actually ends. Because I want to have something ready to go when it finally happens. Though I came into this era not liking Zeke (“Larry Bird would just be an average player if he were black,” walking off the court before Game 4 of the 1991 Eastern Conference Finals was over), but in the end, I gotta say he’s made my life more entertaining. Part of me hates him for making the Knicks a punch line, but I think if they hire Mark Jackson as coach, they’ll be alright. Anyway, there have been numerous Zeke jokes in this blog, so I think I need to pay tribute with my Top 7 moments.
7. In March 2007, James Dolan says the team has made “noticeable progress” while under Zeke. The team goes something like 2-13 after this announcement is made
6. Jalen Rose sums up the Isiah Era: “I put together our roster on NBA Live and we’re pretty good.”
5. During the 2006 NBA Draft, the Knicks select Ronaldo Balkman which nearly caused a riot in MSG. Though Balkman has turned into a serviceable player for a low first round pick, this was one of those moments you thought something great was going to happen and it actually did. I think I was anticipating the Knicks pick more than the 1st one. And Isiah goes and picks someone most people didn’t even have getting drafted.
4. . Portfolio.com reveals that Isiah lost $187 million over the years. $187 million. That’s essentially the GDP of the Marshall Islands (thank you Mr. Geography). (http://www.portfolio.com/executives/features/2008/04/04/The-Isiah-Thomas-Tax)
3. Larry Brown is paid $18.5 million to coach one season of basketball.
2. Isiah brings in Stephon Marbury. At the time, Starbury was hailed as the hometown boy who would be the savior. Instead, he went batshit crazy and now is more interested in selling $15 sneakers. I think teams still have draft picks from this deal. Just a microcosm of the Isiah era. Remember Knicks fans were excited to get him because he wasn’t Scott Layden.
1. It has to be the sexual harassment trial, doesn’t it? I mean the Marbury truck incident, the “I don’t give a fuck about these white people,” quote. It really was to cherry on top of the proverbial Isiah cake. I could probably do a separate Top 7 moments of this trial. Instead, I’ll be lazy and put this at # 1.
I’m not comfortable at all with this list. There are probably 20 moments that could be included. There has to be some crazy signing I left out. Oh well, that was the Isiah Era. (I was going to link to it, but Sports Guy beat me to it. The NY Mag article that absolutely destroys Isiah. Not only did it go in depth into every bad decision, it used creative adjectives to describe Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph. I highly recommend it.)
Add on after it actually happened: I’m disappointed in the Post. “Bye-siah”. Weak. You’re better than that NY Post.
7. In March 2007, James Dolan says the team has made “noticeable progress” while under Zeke. The team goes something like 2-13 after this announcement is made
6. Jalen Rose sums up the Isiah Era: “I put together our roster on NBA Live and we’re pretty good.”
5. During the 2006 NBA Draft, the Knicks select Ronaldo Balkman which nearly caused a riot in MSG. Though Balkman has turned into a serviceable player for a low first round pick, this was one of those moments you thought something great was going to happen and it actually did. I think I was anticipating the Knicks pick more than the 1st one. And Isiah goes and picks someone most people didn’t even have getting drafted.
4. . Portfolio.com reveals that Isiah lost $187 million over the years. $187 million. That’s essentially the GDP of the Marshall Islands (thank you Mr. Geography). (http://www.portfolio.com/executives/features/2008/04/04/The-Isiah-Thomas-Tax)
3. Larry Brown is paid $18.5 million to coach one season of basketball.
2. Isiah brings in Stephon Marbury. At the time, Starbury was hailed as the hometown boy who would be the savior. Instead, he went batshit crazy and now is more interested in selling $15 sneakers. I think teams still have draft picks from this deal. Just a microcosm of the Isiah era. Remember Knicks fans were excited to get him because he wasn’t Scott Layden.
1. It has to be the sexual harassment trial, doesn’t it? I mean the Marbury truck incident, the “I don’t give a fuck about these white people,” quote. It really was to cherry on top of the proverbial Isiah cake. I could probably do a separate Top 7 moments of this trial. Instead, I’ll be lazy and put this at # 1.
I’m not comfortable at all with this list. There are probably 20 moments that could be included. There has to be some crazy signing I left out. Oh well, that was the Isiah Era. (I was going to link to it, but Sports Guy beat me to it. The NY Mag article that absolutely destroys Isiah. Not only did it go in depth into every bad decision, it used creative adjectives to describe Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph. I highly recommend it.)
Add on after it actually happened: I’m disappointed in the Post. “Bye-siah”. Weak. You’re better than that NY Post.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
I've Found the Perfect Picture for My New Office
Does Charles Oakley follow MJ around everywhere? Oak's shirt is incredible. Could Mike have done better? Why is he wearing a purple shirt? Have they both been listening to Cam's "Purple Haze" album recently? Prince? Guess MJ wasn't out scouting the NCAA tournament. Actually, check that. This cannot be in my office because I would never get any work done.
Weekend Musings
This blogging thing isn’t as easy as it seems. You’d think it’d be easy to string together one thousand words incoherently, but it’s not. Well, actually doing it isn’t. It’s finding time to be incoherent. Between working 11-12 hour days and being a raging alcoholic, it’s tough to find time to write about my weekend adventures. And somehow, I persevere. I’ll get off my soap box, and get into the weekend musings.
Tough to figure out what my favorite moment of Saturday night. A coworker was celebrating her birthday and you know what that means. Everyone is getting shitty, so drunk Barney doesn’t stand out as much. Anyway, the bar that we went to had a small band playing. Just a singer, a guitar and a guy on bongos. And you know what they played? That’s right, they covered Pac’s California Love. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t start doing Pac’s dance from the video. Another person decided this would be a good picture to get, so I’m on facebook somewhere doing the Pac dance. I’m about one more dumbass picture away from being on pace with Brady Quinn last summer.
The second candidate is probably the winner. We’re at a diner after the bars close (2 AM? What is that?), and we’re that table. We clapped when someone at another table burped. Someone called a girl walking by in a stripperesque outfit Britney Spears. We thought we ran the diner. Until someone decided to mention something about Pittsburgh. A guy from the table next to us goes, “Did someone mention Pittsburgh?” My first thought is, “Uh oh, we might have gone too far. I’m really not in the mood for a fight.” He then proceeds to open his blazer. If this was Boyz N the Hood, a 9 mm would have come out. Instead, he shows off the inner lining of his jacket. It’s gold with “Steelers” written in black. He than defiantly says, “Pittsburgh fucking Steelers.”
After about 10 seconds of absolute shock, I started to comprehend what just happened. First, an apparent Steeler fan had decided that he needed a jacket to show his support. A Starter jacket wouldn’t do, it had to be a blazer. Second, this blazer wasn’t just for Sundays in the fall. Nope, he’s wearing it out Saturday night bar hopping. Third, had he been waiting all night to show that off? This is where the questions began. Were we the crowning achievement of his evening? His life? What would he have done if he went home with a chick? Should I be in awe of this man who captivated an entire diner filled with drunks or spite that he has fallen so far that he uses the Steelers as his source of self esteem? I left this diner more confused than I had entered it. And yet I had a sense that I had witnessed something that might never be equaled. One thing is for certain: I will probably figure women out before I understand Steeler fans. Actually that’s a lie. I will never figure either of them out.
I’m not sure how I follow that up. I think I’ll just wrap it up B. I’m trying to do multiple NBA episodes. First, we’ll have the final results of the Barney NBA Standings. And something extra special to kick off the playoffs. (Commence anticipation)
Tough to figure out what my favorite moment of Saturday night. A coworker was celebrating her birthday and you know what that means. Everyone is getting shitty, so drunk Barney doesn’t stand out as much. Anyway, the bar that we went to had a small band playing. Just a singer, a guitar and a guy on bongos. And you know what they played? That’s right, they covered Pac’s California Love. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t start doing Pac’s dance from the video. Another person decided this would be a good picture to get, so I’m on facebook somewhere doing the Pac dance. I’m about one more dumbass picture away from being on pace with Brady Quinn last summer.
The second candidate is probably the winner. We’re at a diner after the bars close (2 AM? What is that?), and we’re that table. We clapped when someone at another table burped. Someone called a girl walking by in a stripperesque outfit Britney Spears. We thought we ran the diner. Until someone decided to mention something about Pittsburgh. A guy from the table next to us goes, “Did someone mention Pittsburgh?” My first thought is, “Uh oh, we might have gone too far. I’m really not in the mood for a fight.” He then proceeds to open his blazer. If this was Boyz N the Hood, a 9 mm would have come out. Instead, he shows off the inner lining of his jacket. It’s gold with “Steelers” written in black. He than defiantly says, “Pittsburgh fucking Steelers.”
After about 10 seconds of absolute shock, I started to comprehend what just happened. First, an apparent Steeler fan had decided that he needed a jacket to show his support. A Starter jacket wouldn’t do, it had to be a blazer. Second, this blazer wasn’t just for Sundays in the fall. Nope, he’s wearing it out Saturday night bar hopping. Third, had he been waiting all night to show that off? This is where the questions began. Were we the crowning achievement of his evening? His life? What would he have done if he went home with a chick? Should I be in awe of this man who captivated an entire diner filled with drunks or spite that he has fallen so far that he uses the Steelers as his source of self esteem? I left this diner more confused than I had entered it. And yet I had a sense that I had witnessed something that might never be equaled. One thing is for certain: I will probably figure women out before I understand Steeler fans. Actually that’s a lie. I will never figure either of them out.
I’m not sure how I follow that up. I think I’ll just wrap it up B. I’m trying to do multiple NBA episodes. First, we’ll have the final results of the Barney NBA Standings. And something extra special to kick off the playoffs. (Commence anticipation)
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Ask A Pacer
As a continuation of an ongoing segment, my girl LA is covering Monday’s Wizards-Pacers game. She asked me for some questions to ask the visiting team. This is what I submitted. Check the papers Tuesday for the results. I’m pretty sure none of these will be answered.
To Jermaine O’Neal:
“You just returned from injury. Are you sure they got all the sand out of your vagina this time?”
“Would you agree that your greatest performance ever was when you played in that pickup game that was captured in a Nike commercial? You were blocking shots with your elbow. It was impressive.”
“What were you thinking when you did your famous sliding ice punch (not my words) in the Palace Brawl to knock out Turtle from Entourage?"
To Jamal Tinsley:
“The club you got shot at, that was a strip club, right?”
“Do you sometimes miss Stephen Jackson coming along with you to strip clubs?”
“Have you ever beaten anybody with a dust pan, because you looked pretty vicious that night in Detroit with it?”
“You’re nickname at the Rucker is ‘The Abuser.’ Because of Megan’s Law, do your neighbors need to be informed when you move into their neighborhood?”
To Mike Dunleavy:
“With all these felons on your team, what do you and Troy Murphy talk about? Old Seinfeld episodes? Does Travis Diener get involved?”
“Do you have incriminating photos of Chris Mullins? Because if not, you should have never gotten the contract you got from him.”
To Assistant Coach Dick Harder:
“Ever consider going by Richard, or Rich?”
To Ronald “Flip” Murray :
“How many times have you listened to Lil’ Flip’s ‘Game Over’, you know the one where they chant “Flip” over and over? My guess is 10,487. Too high?”
To David Harrison:
“You got suspended earlier in the year for smoking weed. You went to the University of Colorado . These two wouldn’t happen to be related would they? Because there are a lot of hippies in Boulder .”
To Kareem Rush:
“Wait, you’re still in the league? I thought you’d be in Italy now.”
“Your brother Brandon Rush just won the NCAA title. Has this made up for the shame your family felt when they were upset the past three years?”
To Troy Murphy:
“You went to Notre Dame. How ashamed are you that Brady Quinn is a fellow alum? And doesn’t the Catholic Church frown on his sort of behavior?”
To Shawne Williams:
“Please don’t have someone in your entourage shoot me.”
“You went to Memphis . What’s your favorite Three 6 Mafia song?”
To Jermaine O’Neal:
“You just returned from injury. Are you sure they got all the sand out of your vagina this time?”
“Would you agree that your greatest performance ever was when you played in that pickup game that was captured in a Nike commercial? You were blocking shots with your elbow. It was impressive.”
“What were you thinking when you did your famous sliding ice punch (not my words) in the Palace Brawl to knock out Turtle from Entourage?"
To Jamal Tinsley:
“The club you got shot at, that was a strip club, right?”
“Do you sometimes miss Stephen Jackson coming along with you to strip clubs?”
“Have you ever beaten anybody with a dust pan, because you looked pretty vicious that night in Detroit with it?”
“You’re nickname at the Rucker is ‘The Abuser.’ Because of Megan’s Law, do your neighbors need to be informed when you move into their neighborhood?”
To Mike Dunleavy:
“With all these felons on your team, what do you and Troy Murphy talk about? Old Seinfeld episodes? Does Travis Diener get involved?”
“Do you have incriminating photos of Chris Mullins? Because if not, you should have never gotten the contract you got from him.”
To Assistant Coach Dick Harder:
“Ever consider going by Richard, or Rich?”
To Ronald “Flip” Murray :
“How many times have you listened to Lil’ Flip’s ‘Game Over’, you know the one where they chant “Flip” over and over? My guess is 10,487. Too high?”
To David Harrison:
“You got suspended earlier in the year for smoking weed. You went to the University of Colorado . These two wouldn’t happen to be related would they? Because there are a lot of hippies in Boulder .”
To Kareem Rush:
“Wait, you’re still in the league? I thought you’d be in Italy now.”
“Your brother Brandon Rush just won the NCAA title. Has this made up for the shame your family felt when they were upset the past three years?”
To Troy Murphy:
“You went to Notre Dame. How ashamed are you that Brady Quinn is a fellow alum? And doesn’t the Catholic Church frown on his sort of behavior?”
To Shawne Williams:
“Please don’t have someone in your entourage shoot me.”
“You went to Memphis . What’s your favorite Three 6 Mafia song?”
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Top 7-Boss Edition
Back in my senior year in college, Floyd Banks used to play Slim Thug’s “Like a Boss” constantly. Why? Because I hated that song. “I call shots like a boss, stack knots like a boss…” You know where I’m taking this. Just an annoying ass song and Floyd would play it all the time, sometimes inducing fits of rage. Why am I telling you this? Because as of today, I, like Slim Thug, am a boss. I have moved into that not so enviable place in corporate America, middle management. I have 10 people that will report to me, most of them older than me. If you’re a fan of this blog (and judging by the attendance, you’re not), then you’re probably thinking this is a bad idea. I’m way ahead of you. I now present the Top 7 Reasons me being a manager is a bad thing.
7. When told of this new development, the first rap line that popped into my head was, “Forget Tony Danza, I’m the boss.” Do you know who said that? If you said Shaq on a Fu-Schnickins songs, you would be correct, and I would call bullshit on you because I highly doubt there is anyone else out there who could do 1993 Shaq lyrics off the top of their head.
6. I’ve spent time checking out a thesaurus for different things to call my term in office: The Barney Administration, Regime, tenure, commission. I’m still working the kinks out. Note that Jay-Z took two of these already, so it’ll make things tough.
5. My overarching message will probably be, “Well, I might be doing a bad job, but at least I’m not as bad as Isiah Thomas was.” Setting the bar pretty low there.
4. There is apparently a picture floating around of me wasted (surprise, surprise) with two of my female co-workers who will now be reporting to me slapping my ass. I do not recall this happening, but they have assured me there is a picture. So I’m either going to be fired for harassment or be blackmailed during evaluations.
3. I can now shout out, “I MANAGE PEOPLE. I’M IMPORTANT. I…I…I DRIVE A CHEVY LUMINA.” In fact, I’m thinking I might trade it in for a Dodge Stratus just to complete the effect.
2. I was considering playing Rick Ross’s new single, “The Boss” during my first meeting. That would probably be the first time anyone’s done that in Corporate America unless The Source just changed management. Then I reconsidered because one of the first lines he spits is, “Always wear plastic, cause baby shit happens.” Since I obviously did not follow that advice, I will not be entering to Rick Ross. I’m going to be incompetent, but I won’t lie.
1. People’s first concern when finding this out was, “Wait, Barney, if you’re my manager, and we’re at the bar, and you tell us to do a shot, do we have to do it because you’re our boss?” My response: “That’s not my management style. I lead by example. So I will be doing shots with you.” I see this ending well.
7. When told of this new development, the first rap line that popped into my head was, “Forget Tony Danza, I’m the boss.” Do you know who said that? If you said Shaq on a Fu-Schnickins songs, you would be correct, and I would call bullshit on you because I highly doubt there is anyone else out there who could do 1993 Shaq lyrics off the top of their head.
6. I’ve spent time checking out a thesaurus for different things to call my term in office: The Barney Administration, Regime, tenure, commission. I’m still working the kinks out. Note that Jay-Z took two of these already, so it’ll make things tough.
5. My overarching message will probably be, “Well, I might be doing a bad job, but at least I’m not as bad as Isiah Thomas was.” Setting the bar pretty low there.
4. There is apparently a picture floating around of me wasted (surprise, surprise) with two of my female co-workers who will now be reporting to me slapping my ass. I do not recall this happening, but they have assured me there is a picture. So I’m either going to be fired for harassment or be blackmailed during evaluations.
3. I can now shout out, “I MANAGE PEOPLE. I’M IMPORTANT. I…I…I DRIVE A CHEVY LUMINA.” In fact, I’m thinking I might trade it in for a Dodge Stratus just to complete the effect.
2. I was considering playing Rick Ross’s new single, “The Boss” during my first meeting. That would probably be the first time anyone’s done that in Corporate America unless The Source just changed management. Then I reconsidered because one of the first lines he spits is, “Always wear plastic, cause baby shit happens.” Since I obviously did not follow that advice, I will not be entering to Rick Ross. I’m going to be incompetent, but I won’t lie.
1. People’s first concern when finding this out was, “Wait, Barney, if you’re my manager, and we’re at the bar, and you tell us to do a shot, do we have to do it because you’re our boss?” My response: “That’s not my management style. I lead by example. So I will be doing shots with you.” I see this ending well.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Tournament Thoughts
I haven’t said much about the NCAA tournament. But that won’t stop me from hastily putting together some random thoughts on it.
Player of the tournament was definitely Stephen Curry. I watched the game against Wisconsin and was rooting for him, and I had money on Wisconsin (Why I bet on a Big Ten team, I’ll never know. I guess I deserved that for forgetting one of my rules in life). He was doing things Gladiator style. He was definitely winning over the crowd as they were surprised when he missed. I kept waiting for him to jump on the scorer’s table, rip off his shirt, throw it into the crowd and yell, “Are you not entertained?”
My second favorite player of the tournament was Kansas’s Sasha Kahn. He sounds like a villain who should have a lair. Or someone selling me rye bread. One or the other.
Do you think Mario Chalmers’s nickname is “Super Nintendo”? Because that’s what I’ve always thought of when he plays since he joined Kansas . Or are today’s college players above Ralph Wiggum references.
Final Kansas note: I feel really bad for that senior guard who shattered his kneecap on Friday’s media practice. Your last two games are spent on the bench watching your team win a national championship.
Can anyone motivate like John Calipari? His post game press conferences had me wanting to go and suit up.
This may sound blasphemous as a blogger, but honestly, if I had to choose only one, I’d go with Bill Raftery over Gus Johnson. Gus is better at a close game, but I think Raftery makes the entire game better. He had my favorite moment of the tournament during the Xavier-WVU game:
Verne Lundquist: “The answer is to take it off.”
Raftery: “Sometimes at night I favor that myself.”
It took me two seconds to realize that actually happened, and then I lost it.
I’m not dissing Gus at all. If I became President, one of the first laws I would enact would be to mandate that Gus Johnson and Billy Boy do Final Four games. I would also prosecute Billy Packer to the fullest extent of the law.
Finally, They played “One Shining Moment” on the radio this morning and it put a hop in my step going to work. At least until 10:30 when it all hit the fan. But act like you don’t like “One Shining Moment” and I’ll call you a liar.
And this concludes a shitty tournament recap.
Player of the tournament was definitely Stephen Curry. I watched the game against Wisconsin and was rooting for him, and I had money on Wisconsin (Why I bet on a Big Ten team, I’ll never know. I guess I deserved that for forgetting one of my rules in life). He was doing things Gladiator style. He was definitely winning over the crowd as they were surprised when he missed. I kept waiting for him to jump on the scorer’s table, rip off his shirt, throw it into the crowd and yell, “Are you not entertained?”
My second favorite player of the tournament was Kansas’s Sasha Kahn. He sounds like a villain who should have a lair. Or someone selling me rye bread. One or the other.
Do you think Mario Chalmers’s nickname is “Super Nintendo”? Because that’s what I’ve always thought of when he plays since he joined Kansas . Or are today’s college players above Ralph Wiggum references.
Final Kansas note: I feel really bad for that senior guard who shattered his kneecap on Friday’s media practice. Your last two games are spent on the bench watching your team win a national championship.
Can anyone motivate like John Calipari? His post game press conferences had me wanting to go and suit up.
This may sound blasphemous as a blogger, but honestly, if I had to choose only one, I’d go with Bill Raftery over Gus Johnson. Gus is better at a close game, but I think Raftery makes the entire game better. He had my favorite moment of the tournament during the Xavier-WVU game:
Verne Lundquist: “The answer is to take it off.”
Raftery: “Sometimes at night I favor that myself.”
It took me two seconds to realize that actually happened, and then I lost it.
I’m not dissing Gus at all. If I became President, one of the first laws I would enact would be to mandate that Gus Johnson and Billy Boy do Final Four games. I would also prosecute Billy Packer to the fullest extent of the law.
Finally, They played “One Shining Moment” on the radio this morning and it put a hop in my step going to work. At least until 10:30 when it all hit the fan. But act like you don’t like “One Shining Moment” and I’ll call you a liar.
And this concludes a shitty tournament recap.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
The Barney Show Interview
We interrupt your regularly scheduled incoherentness to bring you this installment of The Barney Interview. This month’s guest, J-Man. You know the format. 10 questions. My guest answers and then I do. Let’s get right into it since I’m horrible at segues.
How do you know Barney?
J-Man: Barney's my brother, we grew up together in a very small house. I seem to remember something about being put in a garbage can by him when I was very young. Traumatic... truly traumatic.
Barney: I’d like to set the record straight. We were playing Sesame Street and J-Man was supposed to be Oscar the Grouch, so he went into the garbage can. Just because I quit playing immediately after he got into the garbage can doesn’t mean I wanted to throw him away. There’s some reasonable doubt there, right?
J-Man is also known for solving math theorem’s that he wasn’t taught on SAT II tests and for having a Vancouver Grizzly jersey that might have been the ugliest thing ever made.
When did you realize that your engineering background made life less fun?
J: When I realized that I was taking pride in my TI-89. People were comparing their graphing calculators, and I was being pretty cocky because I had a nice one. I realized what I was doing and thought to myself, "Really... this is what I've come to?" After that anytime I did well in anything engineering related, I would always look around and go "Yeah... I'm nerdier that these people"... and the people around me were really nerdy. Very little sense of achievement in engineering.
B: In general, I think I use numbers way too much because of engineering and thing that there’s always an exact answer. I think the defining moment I had in how engineering has made life less fun is when a coworker asked me if I believe there’s one person out there for everyone. I told her no. She asked why. I responded, “Statistics.” Unfortunately, she didn’t drop the subject and wanted a better explanation. I told her something along the lines of, “Well, if there was only one person out there for everyone, the chances of meeting that person would be infinitesimally small. Let’s assume there’s ummm….30 million Americans that would be of the opposite sex and within the age range you’re looking for, say a 5-10 year bracket. If you met 100 new people of the opposite sex every day, it would take you (here’s where I break out my TI-83 calculator. I still own this and use it on a daily basis for work, even though I have never needed to graph a quadratic equation with it.)821 years to meet all of the eligible people. Secondly, approximately half of all marriages in America end in divorce. Now, you’re probably saying, ‘Barney, that just shows that they hadn’t met their true love.’ Do you think that in nearly all of these, the couple assumed they were made for each other before getting married? I’d say yes. So how do nearly half of these fail? Because people were wrong. So the two conclusions from this are either the chances of there being only one person out there for you are very remote or you’re too stupid to know if this is that one person. Neither of those are very attractive conclusions to make if you believe there’s one person out there made for you. Never mind the fact that the human species would have never made it out of Africa if every female waited for her Prince Charming to come along.” After she picked up her jaw from the floor, she said she had to check her e-mail. She didn’t even let me get into the sociological aspects of it. I was on a roll. That’s when I realized that I might be using numbers a little bit too much in my life.
What was your favorite Halloween costume you ever wore?
J: This is a tough one. I've had some pretty amazing costumes over the years. I think I really need to just list them, because they were all pretty awesome. Really, I'm just proud of my enthusiasm for the holiday (my favorite non-irish one)
2003- Mohammad - This was a fraternity thing, my pledge class was the super best friends from south park and I ended up with Mohammad. When you walk down the streets of NYC in a robe and turban, a lot of people get angry at you for some reason. Also, the guy working in the liquor store was very confused when I went in for a bottle of vodka with Jesus next to me.
2004- Catholic School Girl - Nothing more attracting than a guy with leg hair in a skirt with a padded bra. The only reason I'm not ashamed of this is because I hooked up with the girl who lent me the school girl uniform.
2005- Wayne - Party on Wayne. Party on Garth. This might be my most accurate costume to date. Amazing number of people on the streets of NYC just have to make a Mike Myers' reference when confronted by Wayne. I was really hoping that I could run into Mike Myers himself, since I had seen him a couple of times puking behind cars near my apartment.2006- Dr. Malpractico - A combination Doctor/Luchador. Is there really more that needs to be said? I leapt over five people to elbow drop the Hulk when he challenged people to a fight. I'm pretty sure I won Halloween with this one.
2007- Johnnie Walker - Really this was just an excuse to buy myself a nice bottle of scotch. Got the top hat, bow tie, cane and everything. Realized pretty early on that no matter how badass you were at the time, guys from old-time england just look like flamboyant queers today. Finished my bottle of JW Gold by myself, and when offered a ride home (from the middle of Brooklyn), replied, "Hell no! I'm the walking man. I can walk!". Did not get to where I was going until 6 am.
B: Question # 1 where I have a shitty answer but am trying to get a good story out of J-Man. I wanted him to put Johnnie Walker, but I forgot about all the other ones he had.
Me, I’m not that into Halloween. I think I stopped going out in 6th grade. Even in college, I didn’t get into the whole dressing up thing. So it would either be in 1st grade when I was a Ghostbuster, or when I went as Ron Artest as a Junior in college. For Ron Ron, I even went with two different shoes like he did in the 2004 All-Star game. Needless to say, I didn’t get laid that night.
The best Halloween costume I ever saw was when Abdul completely pulled off Tyrone Biggums. He looked just like him. The funniest thing I ever saw.
What is your best Bill Clinton story?
J: I'm not sure I really want that out on the internet. Lets just say it involves a former president commenting on the status of my nuts. Whatever you're thinking... it was more classy than that.
B: Question # 2 that I have a shitty answer to but am trying to get a good story out of J-Man. He doesn’t want this on the internet, so in the immortal words of King Bunt, “I can respect that.” But let the record show: that is by far and away the greatest story I have ever heard. The fact that not only a former President, but Slick Willie himself, talked about your junk is amazing. That’s like being complemented on your war strategy by Eisenhower, your ability to pull women by JFK or being called a good neighbor by the first Bush.
My favorite Clinton story is about 1/1000th as good. One girl was telling me why she liked Bill Clinton. After she finished she goes, “I don’t like him that much that I’d suck his dick.” And it seemed completely appropriate. She really did need to clear that up because I would have left thinking, “She would blow him if he was here right now.” Ladies and Gentleman, the Bill Clinton Administration.
Who was the most underrated player on the 1993 Orlando Magic?
J: My gut instinct on this one is Scott Skiles. Just cause he was the white guy that no one thought was good. My second though is that it should be Anfernee Hardaway, since no one really remembers him anymore (More people probably remember Skiles as a coach than Penny), and also since there was Little Penny, who might have been the creepiest advertisement stunt ever. I'm going to step outside the 1993 season here, since I've got to mention Horace Grant, who had the ugly-ass, giant goggles, which I've got to associate with, as a fellow wearer of ugly-ass goggles, but ultimately I've got to go with Nick Anderson. Quick Google search shows that he's the leading scorer in the history of the Orlando Magic (not a great history I know), and that he was the Magic's first draft choice ever. Plus he had that steal from Jordan (not in 1993, but in 1995). I've got to put in a honorable mention for whomever was responsible for the Magic winning the '93 draft, since that guy traded his unbelievably giant luck for a giant bucket of shit. Shaq + Webber would have been unfuckingstopable. Maybe I would have paid more attention to basketaball after this if they hadn't thrown that away and ruined my juvenile idealism. Them, Mario Lemieux's cancer and the goddamn Buffalo Bills ruined professional sports for me forever.
B: I love that J-Man, who hasn’t followed sports in like 10 years, made the same argument Sport’s Guy did last week. I’d go with Tree Rollins. He was a player/coach for that team. I don’t remember any player/coach since them. Plus, he was involved in my second favorite Jordan dunk of all time. He was on the Hawks then. Jordan banged it on him, with the announcer going, “Right over Rollins.” And Charles Oakley pointed in his face after it went down. That’s what you notice after 70+ viewings of “Michael Jordan’s Playground.”
Who was your go to Mortal Kombat character?
J: It should be a toss up between Scorpion and Sub-Zero. They were the same basic character, but Scorpion had the "GET OVER HERE!" move which would put him one top. Unfortunately, I always ended up playing as Johnny Cage, since he could do the nut punch, which was hilarious. That was until Mortal Kombat II, where there were girls fighting, and Johnny Cage would just do a split and not actually punch. What girls getting hit in the twat doesn't hurt? Is Johnny Cage making some statement about sexual relations in America? As soon as that happened, I switched to Reptile and enjoyed my invisibility. On a side note, do you remember when mom found out we were playing Mortal Kombat and she got all angry because we were playing such an inappropriate game (I forget who actually bought it for us, but I'm betting Grandpa)
B: I seem to remember we made a rule that Sub Zero and Scorpion could only throw a certain amount of ice/spears in a given match. I went through a brief Raiden stage too. It would be like a guy who lived in the Village to go with a ball puncher. Reptile in MK2 was ok, but I think at age 10 realized he was a cheap rip off.
For the record, our Grandmother bought Mortal Kombat for us. And Mom wasn’t mad at us, just that our youngest brother (who was already seeing shrinks) was drawing violent images in school. That game got taken away once a psychologist started asking questions. It was NBA Jam for us after that.
St. Patty's Day is coming up. What's the best quote you've ever heard to describe being Irish?
J: Since Patty's day is technically past, I'm just going to pretend like it's March 16th for the sake of the question. The best quote about being Irish that I've encountered was Freud's (I think via you) of "This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever" Since I think it pretty much perfectly captures what it means to be Irish. There aren't any ulterior motive to what we do... we just do shit, since we know that's what we're supposed to do. As a side note, I'd like to throw in my favorite St. Patty's day quote, which occurred last year. Me and my friends had decided to drink a prodigious amount of Guinness, which involved knocking on beer distributor's doors at 9 am when they were supposed to open. We managed to get 150+ of the keg cans (for 8-9 people). plus some Jameson. Every time we finished a can, we put it on the windowsill, and we eventually made a mountain of cans. About halfway up the window (but less than halfway thru the Guinness), someone asked what would happen when we filled the window and blocked out the sun... Everyone in the room.. in unison responsed "Then we shall drink in the shade!" in perfect sparta/the 300- style. I've never been more proud to be a drinker.
B: (Note: I sent these questions to J-Man March 7th. I’m going to keep this question and just note that he took a long ass time responding) That quote isn’t from me, it’s from The Departed. That will be # 2 on my best quotes about Irish people list. The countdown?
#4: The Departed: “If this isn’t going to work, it has to be you that leaves. I’m Irish. I can deal with things being wrong my entire life.”
# 3: Sport’s Guy: You won’t find this quote anywhere. My absolute favorite column by the guy who’s influenced me the most is his column the day after the 2003 ALCS when Aaron Boone hit the home run to win the game. My Dad called me the next day and in a phone conversation I will always remember this occurred:Me: “Hello.”Dad: “You know son, life sometimes isn’t fair.”
The rest of the call kept going the same way. Anyway, SG starts going on about how if the Red Sox were a girl, they would have broken up a long time ago. But they’re stuck together. “You would call her on the phone, calmly explain that you can’t take it anymore, let her down as gently as possible and move on with your life. But sports aren’t like that. You’re stuck with your teams from childhood. It’s like being trapped in a bad Irish Catholic marriage. You can’t get out.”
Now if you check the espn.com archives, they take out the “Irish Catholic” part. Even in his book, it’s taken out. But I swear that the first day it was up, the Irish Catholic part was in there. And that’s just reinforces quote # 4.
Quote # 2: J-Man’s above quote.
Quote # 1: Even though I went to an engineering school, our library had not been updated in like 50 years. Every year we’d be in danger of losing our accreditation because our library sucked so much, but we never did. Even with the threat of a tech school losing it’s engineering accreditation, no one did anything. And thus I was able to stumble upon a book about the ethnic groups that made up NYC. Because it was from the 50s, there was no political correctness and I stumbled upon this book looking for some other one on the annoying Hum class I had to take. I opened it to a random page on the Irish section and this is (roughly) what I got:“The Irish mob was not as successful as its Italian or to a lesser extent, Jewish counterparts. A big impediment to their success was their alcoholism. It’s hard to collect on gambling debts when you neither remember who made the bet, nor how much it was for, because you were too inebriated at the time.” Not a truer word was ever said.
Which would you rather be famous for in 10 years? Curing cancer, being the guy who played Kevin Federline to Hannah Montana's Britney Spears or punching Ben Affleck unconscious.
J: If I could get the chance to punch Ben Affleck into unconsciousness, I'm pretty sure I'd take the chance. Since I'm stuck out in the waste's of Long Island right now, and unlikely to encounter any real celebrities here, I'm going to go with curing cancer. Granted, I'm not working on cancer (autism and brain development etc.), but that seems like a much better alternative to playing K Fed. I have to say that I don't think I can fill in for Federline because of my lack of 'stache growing ability.
B: I’ve pretty much established that I don’t have a knack for knocking up Hollywood chicks, I’m more backwoods down South chicks. So K-Fed is out. I have no chance of curing cancer or contributing to medical science in any way possible unless my liver is somehow used to find a cure to cirrhosis. So that leaves knocking out Ben Affleck. Should I be more concerned that we both chose this as our first choice or the Affleck is not underlined in red in MS Word. Has that douche made it that big that MS Office 2003 approves of him? (This is another examples of how being an engineer sucks. You use Microsoft as your arbitrator, even though every true engineer hates Microsoft.)
Since I probably don't remember it, give me your favorite Barney story.
J: I suppose this isn't technically a Barney story, but it's a good story none the less. I remember going to sleep some night, only to be waken up by mom's shouting "Dammit John (my dad), leave him alone. He's Drunk!" I then proceeded to fall right back asleep, assuming that Barney had just come back from getting his drink on and was unable to manage walking down hallways... As was a common occurrence at the time. The next day was some holiday or something, and it wasn't for a while until I found out that some drunk had just wandered into our house, and my dad had threatened him with a bat until he realized that our's wasn't the house he wanted to enter. Me and all my brothers had just assumed it was Barney (who is easily confused with a random drunk).
B: First off, the entire family thought I was drunk. Mom and Dad both admitted it to me later that they thought I snuck out that night. Secondly, I wasn’t the lush that I am today. I think this was during my senior year of high school, when I was actually an athlete, so I was training, so I was going out less. If I got drunk once every two weeks, I would say that was pushing it. Third, I went to bed at 9:30-10:00 that night because I had at 8-9 am practice the next morning.
The best part of this story is that J-Man casually mentions that someone broke into our house, like it was a common occurrence. And from our experience in the West End, it is. It seems like everyone has a “drunk person got their house wrong and tried to get in mind” story.
And yet, I told this story at practice the next morning and it killed. Even K-Dog who lives in fucking Pine Box, gave me shit for it. Apparently, the world is starving for drunk intuition stories. I don’t know. If you’re expecting deep, philosophical questions answered on a Barney Interview, you might need to find another source.
How do you know Barney?
J-Man: Barney's my brother, we grew up together in a very small house. I seem to remember something about being put in a garbage can by him when I was very young. Traumatic... truly traumatic.
Barney: I’d like to set the record straight. We were playing Sesame Street and J-Man was supposed to be Oscar the Grouch, so he went into the garbage can. Just because I quit playing immediately after he got into the garbage can doesn’t mean I wanted to throw him away. There’s some reasonable doubt there, right?
J-Man is also known for solving math theorem’s that he wasn’t taught on SAT II tests and for having a Vancouver Grizzly jersey that might have been the ugliest thing ever made.
When did you realize that your engineering background made life less fun?
J: When I realized that I was taking pride in my TI-89. People were comparing their graphing calculators, and I was being pretty cocky because I had a nice one. I realized what I was doing and thought to myself, "Really... this is what I've come to?" After that anytime I did well in anything engineering related, I would always look around and go "Yeah... I'm nerdier that these people"... and the people around me were really nerdy. Very little sense of achievement in engineering.
B: In general, I think I use numbers way too much because of engineering and thing that there’s always an exact answer. I think the defining moment I had in how engineering has made life less fun is when a coworker asked me if I believe there’s one person out there for everyone. I told her no. She asked why. I responded, “Statistics.” Unfortunately, she didn’t drop the subject and wanted a better explanation. I told her something along the lines of, “Well, if there was only one person out there for everyone, the chances of meeting that person would be infinitesimally small. Let’s assume there’s ummm….30 million Americans that would be of the opposite sex and within the age range you’re looking for, say a 5-10 year bracket. If you met 100 new people of the opposite sex every day, it would take you (here’s where I break out my TI-83 calculator. I still own this and use it on a daily basis for work, even though I have never needed to graph a quadratic equation with it.)821 years to meet all of the eligible people. Secondly, approximately half of all marriages in America end in divorce. Now, you’re probably saying, ‘Barney, that just shows that they hadn’t met their true love.’ Do you think that in nearly all of these, the couple assumed they were made for each other before getting married? I’d say yes. So how do nearly half of these fail? Because people were wrong. So the two conclusions from this are either the chances of there being only one person out there for you are very remote or you’re too stupid to know if this is that one person. Neither of those are very attractive conclusions to make if you believe there’s one person out there made for you. Never mind the fact that the human species would have never made it out of Africa if every female waited for her Prince Charming to come along.” After she picked up her jaw from the floor, she said she had to check her e-mail. She didn’t even let me get into the sociological aspects of it. I was on a roll. That’s when I realized that I might be using numbers a little bit too much in my life.
What was your favorite Halloween costume you ever wore?
J: This is a tough one. I've had some pretty amazing costumes over the years. I think I really need to just list them, because they were all pretty awesome. Really, I'm just proud of my enthusiasm for the holiday (my favorite non-irish one)
2003- Mohammad - This was a fraternity thing, my pledge class was the super best friends from south park and I ended up with Mohammad. When you walk down the streets of NYC in a robe and turban, a lot of people get angry at you for some reason. Also, the guy working in the liquor store was very confused when I went in for a bottle of vodka with Jesus next to me.
2004- Catholic School Girl - Nothing more attracting than a guy with leg hair in a skirt with a padded bra. The only reason I'm not ashamed of this is because I hooked up with the girl who lent me the school girl uniform.
2005- Wayne - Party on Wayne. Party on Garth. This might be my most accurate costume to date. Amazing number of people on the streets of NYC just have to make a Mike Myers' reference when confronted by Wayne. I was really hoping that I could run into Mike Myers himself, since I had seen him a couple of times puking behind cars near my apartment.2006- Dr. Malpractico - A combination Doctor/Luchador. Is there really more that needs to be said? I leapt over five people to elbow drop the Hulk when he challenged people to a fight. I'm pretty sure I won Halloween with this one.
2007- Johnnie Walker - Really this was just an excuse to buy myself a nice bottle of scotch. Got the top hat, bow tie, cane and everything. Realized pretty early on that no matter how badass you were at the time, guys from old-time england just look like flamboyant queers today. Finished my bottle of JW Gold by myself, and when offered a ride home (from the middle of Brooklyn), replied, "Hell no! I'm the walking man. I can walk!". Did not get to where I was going until 6 am.
B: Question # 1 where I have a shitty answer but am trying to get a good story out of J-Man. I wanted him to put Johnnie Walker, but I forgot about all the other ones he had.
Me, I’m not that into Halloween. I think I stopped going out in 6th grade. Even in college, I didn’t get into the whole dressing up thing. So it would either be in 1st grade when I was a Ghostbuster, or when I went as Ron Artest as a Junior in college. For Ron Ron, I even went with two different shoes like he did in the 2004 All-Star game. Needless to say, I didn’t get laid that night.
The best Halloween costume I ever saw was when Abdul completely pulled off Tyrone Biggums. He looked just like him. The funniest thing I ever saw.
What is your best Bill Clinton story?
J: I'm not sure I really want that out on the internet. Lets just say it involves a former president commenting on the status of my nuts. Whatever you're thinking... it was more classy than that.
B: Question # 2 that I have a shitty answer to but am trying to get a good story out of J-Man. He doesn’t want this on the internet, so in the immortal words of King Bunt, “I can respect that.” But let the record show: that is by far and away the greatest story I have ever heard. The fact that not only a former President, but Slick Willie himself, talked about your junk is amazing. That’s like being complemented on your war strategy by Eisenhower, your ability to pull women by JFK or being called a good neighbor by the first Bush.
My favorite Clinton story is about 1/1000th as good. One girl was telling me why she liked Bill Clinton. After she finished she goes, “I don’t like him that much that I’d suck his dick.” And it seemed completely appropriate. She really did need to clear that up because I would have left thinking, “She would blow him if he was here right now.” Ladies and Gentleman, the Bill Clinton Administration.
Who was the most underrated player on the 1993 Orlando Magic?
J: My gut instinct on this one is Scott Skiles. Just cause he was the white guy that no one thought was good. My second though is that it should be Anfernee Hardaway, since no one really remembers him anymore (More people probably remember Skiles as a coach than Penny), and also since there was Little Penny, who might have been the creepiest advertisement stunt ever. I'm going to step outside the 1993 season here, since I've got to mention Horace Grant, who had the ugly-ass, giant goggles, which I've got to associate with, as a fellow wearer of ugly-ass goggles, but ultimately I've got to go with Nick Anderson. Quick Google search shows that he's the leading scorer in the history of the Orlando Magic (not a great history I know), and that he was the Magic's first draft choice ever. Plus he had that steal from Jordan (not in 1993, but in 1995). I've got to put in a honorable mention for whomever was responsible for the Magic winning the '93 draft, since that guy traded his unbelievably giant luck for a giant bucket of shit. Shaq + Webber would have been unfuckingstopable. Maybe I would have paid more attention to basketaball after this if they hadn't thrown that away and ruined my juvenile idealism. Them, Mario Lemieux's cancer and the goddamn Buffalo Bills ruined professional sports for me forever.
B: I love that J-Man, who hasn’t followed sports in like 10 years, made the same argument Sport’s Guy did last week. I’d go with Tree Rollins. He was a player/coach for that team. I don’t remember any player/coach since them. Plus, he was involved in my second favorite Jordan dunk of all time. He was on the Hawks then. Jordan banged it on him, with the announcer going, “Right over Rollins.” And Charles Oakley pointed in his face after it went down. That’s what you notice after 70+ viewings of “Michael Jordan’s Playground.”
Who was your go to Mortal Kombat character?
J: It should be a toss up between Scorpion and Sub-Zero. They were the same basic character, but Scorpion had the "GET OVER HERE!" move which would put him one top. Unfortunately, I always ended up playing as Johnny Cage, since he could do the nut punch, which was hilarious. That was until Mortal Kombat II, where there were girls fighting, and Johnny Cage would just do a split and not actually punch. What girls getting hit in the twat doesn't hurt? Is Johnny Cage making some statement about sexual relations in America? As soon as that happened, I switched to Reptile and enjoyed my invisibility. On a side note, do you remember when mom found out we were playing Mortal Kombat and she got all angry because we were playing such an inappropriate game (I forget who actually bought it for us, but I'm betting Grandpa)
B: I seem to remember we made a rule that Sub Zero and Scorpion could only throw a certain amount of ice/spears in a given match. I went through a brief Raiden stage too. It would be like a guy who lived in the Village to go with a ball puncher. Reptile in MK2 was ok, but I think at age 10 realized he was a cheap rip off.
For the record, our Grandmother bought Mortal Kombat for us. And Mom wasn’t mad at us, just that our youngest brother (who was already seeing shrinks) was drawing violent images in school. That game got taken away once a psychologist started asking questions. It was NBA Jam for us after that.
St. Patty's Day is coming up. What's the best quote you've ever heard to describe being Irish?
J: Since Patty's day is technically past, I'm just going to pretend like it's March 16th for the sake of the question. The best quote about being Irish that I've encountered was Freud's (I think via you) of "This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever" Since I think it pretty much perfectly captures what it means to be Irish. There aren't any ulterior motive to what we do... we just do shit, since we know that's what we're supposed to do. As a side note, I'd like to throw in my favorite St. Patty's day quote, which occurred last year. Me and my friends had decided to drink a prodigious amount of Guinness, which involved knocking on beer distributor's doors at 9 am when they were supposed to open. We managed to get 150+ of the keg cans (for 8-9 people). plus some Jameson. Every time we finished a can, we put it on the windowsill, and we eventually made a mountain of cans. About halfway up the window (but less than halfway thru the Guinness), someone asked what would happen when we filled the window and blocked out the sun... Everyone in the room.. in unison responsed "Then we shall drink in the shade!" in perfect sparta/the 300- style. I've never been more proud to be a drinker.
B: (Note: I sent these questions to J-Man March 7th. I’m going to keep this question and just note that he took a long ass time responding) That quote isn’t from me, it’s from The Departed. That will be # 2 on my best quotes about Irish people list. The countdown?
#4: The Departed: “If this isn’t going to work, it has to be you that leaves. I’m Irish. I can deal with things being wrong my entire life.”
# 3: Sport’s Guy: You won’t find this quote anywhere. My absolute favorite column by the guy who’s influenced me the most is his column the day after the 2003 ALCS when Aaron Boone hit the home run to win the game. My Dad called me the next day and in a phone conversation I will always remember this occurred:Me: “Hello.”Dad: “You know son, life sometimes isn’t fair.”
The rest of the call kept going the same way. Anyway, SG starts going on about how if the Red Sox were a girl, they would have broken up a long time ago. But they’re stuck together. “You would call her on the phone, calmly explain that you can’t take it anymore, let her down as gently as possible and move on with your life. But sports aren’t like that. You’re stuck with your teams from childhood. It’s like being trapped in a bad Irish Catholic marriage. You can’t get out.”
Now if you check the espn.com archives, they take out the “Irish Catholic” part. Even in his book, it’s taken out. But I swear that the first day it was up, the Irish Catholic part was in there. And that’s just reinforces quote # 4.
Quote # 2: J-Man’s above quote.
Quote # 1: Even though I went to an engineering school, our library had not been updated in like 50 years. Every year we’d be in danger of losing our accreditation because our library sucked so much, but we never did. Even with the threat of a tech school losing it’s engineering accreditation, no one did anything. And thus I was able to stumble upon a book about the ethnic groups that made up NYC. Because it was from the 50s, there was no political correctness and I stumbled upon this book looking for some other one on the annoying Hum class I had to take. I opened it to a random page on the Irish section and this is (roughly) what I got:“The Irish mob was not as successful as its Italian or to a lesser extent, Jewish counterparts. A big impediment to their success was their alcoholism. It’s hard to collect on gambling debts when you neither remember who made the bet, nor how much it was for, because you were too inebriated at the time.” Not a truer word was ever said.
Which would you rather be famous for in 10 years? Curing cancer, being the guy who played Kevin Federline to Hannah Montana's Britney Spears or punching Ben Affleck unconscious.
J: If I could get the chance to punch Ben Affleck into unconsciousness, I'm pretty sure I'd take the chance. Since I'm stuck out in the waste's of Long Island right now, and unlikely to encounter any real celebrities here, I'm going to go with curing cancer. Granted, I'm not working on cancer (autism and brain development etc.), but that seems like a much better alternative to playing K Fed. I have to say that I don't think I can fill in for Federline because of my lack of 'stache growing ability.
B: I’ve pretty much established that I don’t have a knack for knocking up Hollywood chicks, I’m more backwoods down South chicks. So K-Fed is out. I have no chance of curing cancer or contributing to medical science in any way possible unless my liver is somehow used to find a cure to cirrhosis. So that leaves knocking out Ben Affleck. Should I be more concerned that we both chose this as our first choice or the Affleck is not underlined in red in MS Word. Has that douche made it that big that MS Office 2003 approves of him? (This is another examples of how being an engineer sucks. You use Microsoft as your arbitrator, even though every true engineer hates Microsoft.)
Since I probably don't remember it, give me your favorite Barney story.
J: I suppose this isn't technically a Barney story, but it's a good story none the less. I remember going to sleep some night, only to be waken up by mom's shouting "Dammit John (my dad), leave him alone. He's Drunk!" I then proceeded to fall right back asleep, assuming that Barney had just come back from getting his drink on and was unable to manage walking down hallways... As was a common occurrence at the time. The next day was some holiday or something, and it wasn't for a while until I found out that some drunk had just wandered into our house, and my dad had threatened him with a bat until he realized that our's wasn't the house he wanted to enter. Me and all my brothers had just assumed it was Barney (who is easily confused with a random drunk).
B: First off, the entire family thought I was drunk. Mom and Dad both admitted it to me later that they thought I snuck out that night. Secondly, I wasn’t the lush that I am today. I think this was during my senior year of high school, when I was actually an athlete, so I was training, so I was going out less. If I got drunk once every two weeks, I would say that was pushing it. Third, I went to bed at 9:30-10:00 that night because I had at 8-9 am practice the next morning.
The best part of this story is that J-Man casually mentions that someone broke into our house, like it was a common occurrence. And from our experience in the West End, it is. It seems like everyone has a “drunk person got their house wrong and tried to get in mind” story.
And yet, I told this story at practice the next morning and it killed. Even K-Dog who lives in fucking Pine Box, gave me shit for it. Apparently, the world is starving for drunk intuition stories. I don’t know. If you’re expecting deep, philosophical questions answered on a Barney Interview, you might need to find another source.
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