Shuffle the Shuffler

In the next few weeks, we’ll hopefully be adding some new running features to The Barney Show. The first of these will be 10 Songs. In this, I’ll put my iPod on shuffle and talk about 10 songs. Random thoughts about these songs, how these songs have played a part in my life, etc. And I only have the length of the song to write about it. So those of you expecting 500 words on a random Biggie song, fear not. I can’t put together complete thoughts that quickly. Now understand this is my old iPod that hasn’t been updated since roughly June 2005. So it’s a bit outdated. It’s about 90% hip hop, but the other 10% is good shit. Since I can’t figure out how to keep this segue going, let’s just get it started.

112, “It’s Over Now (remix)” – This song was so hot when it came out. Let it be said that 112 was the only acceptable R&B group on the high school basketball bus. In fact, it was acceptable to dance during practice to this song when it came on the girls gymnastics team’s radio while they were warming up. Every time Wandy turned his back, half the team broke out in dance. In a related story, we were upset in the 1st round of the playoffs despite being conference champs because one of the people dancing was in jail the week before. You might want to say we had discipline and concentration issues.
Note that this remix has Mobb Deep on it, but I prefer the one with Shyne on it.
Snoop, “Aint’ No Fun” – “You’re back now at the jack off hour, this is DJ Eaaaaasy Dick.” Once I hear those words, I can’t help but smile. It doesn’t matter if I had my testicles hooked up to a car battery and was being tortured. This is one of the most fun songs ever put on record, particularly Nate Dogg’s verse. His lyrics are tremendous, but the fact that he’s singing those lyrics make them 10 times funnier. Just google the lyrics to this song and prepare to be entertained.
Jay-Z, “Public Service Announcement” – An under rated song if there ever was one. I defy anyone not to want to run through a wall when this beat drops on this one. I’m normally against all pregame crap in the NBA, but if this song was involved, I would change my opinion. Imagine this: You get the Public Service Announcement sponsored by Just Blaze and the good fellas at Roc-a-Fella records, the fellow Americans part, then this:
Jay: “Allow me to reintroduce myself”
(Lyrics cut out, beat continues) Announcer: “A 6-8 power forward from….”
You could even shoot off fireworks after the reintroduce myself part and I would support it.
And for the record, the only other pregame introduction I’ve ever supported was the old Chicago Bulls intros. I think I could still do them from memory.
(Had to type fast for that one, it was only 2:50)
M.O.P, “Ante Up” – Speaking of songs that get you amped as fucking hell, Ante Up is another example. This is so amping, I think the murder rate in NYC went up everytime this came on Hot 97. Never mind the clubs. I read an album review that said something along the lines of “this is one of those songs that remind me of an MOP song, where everytime it comes on in the clubs, someone is getting stabbed.” And I feel robbed that MOP didn’t put out an album while on Rocafella that consisted of exclusively Just Blaze beats.
Jimi Hendrix, “All Along the Watchtower” – If this blog has any influence in my will, I’m demanding that if I get rich, develop a drug problem (Don’t think this won’t happen. I think sometimes the only thing holding me back from a massive coke habit is funding) and then get a movie made about my life, I’m asking my estate that this song gets played while my drug use gets depicted on camera. If the director’s ok with it, have the beginning of the song, followed by my head rising from a pile of white powder, followed by things spinning when Jimmy says, “There’s so much confusion.”
Wait, did I write that. I forgot. According to the immortal Sidney Dean, I can listen to Jimmy, but can’t hear him. To that, Billy Hoyle counters, “The whole damn band was white except for Jimmy.”
Biggie, “One More Chance” – Not the remix, the original one on Ready to Die. Greatest voicemail message ever: “All you hoes calling you for my daddy, get off his dick. Got that mommy?” I had a girlfriend in high school who said if we had a kid together I could let him or her leave this as my voicemail. I really liked her. I’m about 2-3 months away from where my daughter will be at the perfect age to say this. So if anyone of you call me and I have a new voicemail, you know why. Except my messages wouldn’t be girls saying, “Hi, Daddy,” it’d be more like, “Barney, this is your mom. What the fuck is wrong with you?” and “Barney, change your voicemail because it’s unprofessional. After you do that, call me back because our $6 million a year project is about to crash and I need a 25 year old alcoholic to bail me out of this once again, despite the fact that I get paid $200,000 a year to do my job.”
Jay-Z. “Money, Cash, Hoes” – Another high school basketball bus trip story. I distinctly remember two senior front court players discussing the difference between money and cash and why Jigga needed to have both. I distinctly remember putting together complete sentences along the lines of, “Money can consist of a variety of items: Real estate, bonds, investments, etc. Cash consists of cash and other assets that can be converted to liquid quickly. A savvy buisinessman has both: Long tem investments as well as liquid assets in case the market quickly turns.” I also distinctly remember then thinking, “I’m a 5’9” 135 pound sophomore. I don’t want to get my ass kicked, or continue to be made fun of because I have an overall average above an 80” and letting them continue to argue.
Cam’ron, “Oh Boy” – Killa Cam’s first album on Rocafella was so hot in NYC in 2002, you wouldn’t believe me after his latest crap. Anyway, this was the shit as well as my first time with Juelz Santana. Come Home With Me was a pretty hot album. Another example of someone teaming with Kanye and Just Blaze and them putting out good music.
DMX, “Get At Me Dog” – Speaking of songs that were ridiculously hot in the streets (I swear this is on random. Apparently, my iPod realizes I’m a shitty writer and is providing segues for me), this killed in 98. This moved the game from Puffy’s 80s shit, to a lot harder stuff. Kind of like going from appletinis to straight up shots. This was so hardcore, it couldn’t get played on MTV. You know, back when MTV still played music.
I also have a story for this song. We were in 9th grade computer class and discussing DMX. And the stoner of the class must have over heard and just bursts out, “I love DMX. Protected by viper, stand back.” That was the most we bonded with that guy. I love that I can’t remember things from 3 days ago, yet I remember what some random high school stoner said 10 years ago.
Jadakiss, “We Gonna Make It” – I was really hoping this song came up, because words cannot describe this song in the spring of 2001. Take Cam’s Oh Boy and Get at Me Dog and multiply them and you have the hotness for this song. I remember Funkmaster Flex telling me about how ridiculous the Tunnel got the first time he put this on. I remember “Fuck the Frail Shit” being our official motto in spring track. I remember debating if the next line was even better: “Cause when my coke comes in, they gotta use the scale that they weigh the whales with.” I remember all of NYC being so hyped for this album. I remember Jada being hailed as the possible heir to Biggie’s throne. And then he dropped a semi-brick. And I remember all this talk stopping. But that doesn’t change how much I loved this song in 2001.

BONUS SONG: This song didn’t come up on this trip through the iPod, but it came up the other day while I was on the metro going to work and it made me laugh out loud and had other commuters looking at me:
King Bunt, “The Massacre” – The intro alone is classic: “Yeah, this that new shit, King Bunt, guaranteed fire, I got that crack right there, this for my man Diddy, cause he’s the only one who wanted to hear my shit, but that’s ok, it’s fire anyways, the rest of y’all niggas that hear this, y’all lucky, cause this shit is golden right here. I don’t play games, they tell me to do something, I’ma do it. Let’s go.”
This entire song was done because King Bunt was a freshman and we made him make a Floyd Banks diss song. And he killed it. With The Game’s “This is How We Do” beat, he systematically destroys Floyd Banks over 20 bars. I can’t do justice to how hilarious this was. He ripped Floyd’s lips, ears, voice, arms, shoe tying skills, shooting ability, dancing skills, and his girlfriend’s ethnicity. I’ll just go right to the outro:
“It’s that new King Bunt shit. Diddy you better like this shit, nigga. Cause this shit is crack right here, this shit is fire, this shit is fire. Let’s go. Let’s sip some beer, knawmean, some Henny, let’s get it poppin. Game over, nigga.”
CLASSIC FUCKING SHIT RIGHT THERE. And you wonder why I keep this old ass iPod. Because it might be the only source still remaining that has King Bunt’s “The Massacre” on it. And for that reason alone, I will keep it until the day it either stops working or I die. And if it stops working, I’ll fight people at the Apple store to get it fixed. And if I die, it will be included in my will.

And you know what, at the end of this column, I decided to rename this episode “Suffle the Shuffler.” This is in reference to Bush’s exact comment about the feature he most likes about the iPod, “shuffle the shuffler.” No more 10 songs. That shit is gay. And thus, we have another gimmick episode once Monday Morning Hangover ends.