Conference Championship Preview

I’m so psyched for this weekend’s games that I’m doing a preview (well, that and I want to appear to be productive at work without actually doing anything). I need to look busy so I don’t have to train the new guy. Here’s how he describes himself:
“Chris is passionate about providing opportunities to at risk populations in urban areas. He is also an excellent chef and can hit golf balls while standing on top of a pilates ball. Please contact him for any racket sports engagements.”

What. The. Fuck? Racket sports? This is The Barney Show. We don’t discuss racket sports unless it involves Maria Sharapova. This guy might be a relative of the Manning family. So you can understand why I don’t want to train him. Anyway, on to what I’m looking forward to this weekend:

Eli throwing in zero degrees. Should be fun. He’s awesome in the cold weather. I set the over/under on number of picks at 2.5.

Randy Moss taking the Patriots self motivation to new levels. This is the first time someone has trotted out the “I’m being extorted by a female so the rest of the world is still against us” card. Well done. Randy actually came out of this looking like the victim. I need his PR man. I loved the “I’ve never hit a woman” line. I guess bumping a female parking attendant with your Lexus doesn’t count.

Laughing at every Peyton Manning commercial this week. The Colts are like the Atlanta Braves of the NFL.

Having an invitation to join a “Patriots fan” at a Pats bar. I use that term loosely because I’m sure it’s a bunch of bandwagon fans. In fact this one called their running back “Mahoney.” I was close to saying, “His name’s not Mahoney you stupid bitch, it’s Kool Aid.” I might go though just to improve the Monday Morning Hangover. See the sacrifices I make for you reader(s).

While all of America will be hating the Patriots, I’m wondering why they don’t hate San Diego as much. Merriman is a cheater who does a stupid dance. Rivers is the most gigantic douchebag in the league. Tomlinson whines, and rides a bike during key moments. Are we sure he isn’t French? I guess you can’t hate a team coached by Norv Turner. You just look at the guy and have to laugh.

And finally, on a note to send you off, this made me laugh out loud at work:
http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/dallas_area_suicide_hotline