Monday Morning Hangover - Divisional Playoffs

And we’re back with another exciting week of Monday Morning Hangover (only 2 left after this. Aren’t you devastated?) And we’re starting this with my favorite type of football…snow football. Growing up in the West End, we really didn’t have a thing called grass (well, depends how you define grass. If it’s the plant, then no. If it’s the other type, then fuck yes. As my man Frank said, no one from the West End would ever go all-county unless they started up a bong team.)so we associated snow with the one of the few times a year we could play tackle football. And did we ever. We put our fake Starter jackets on (we couldn’t get actual Starter jackets because our family read in the newspaper that kids were getting mugged for their Starters. They didn’t get the memo that we didn’t live in Brooklyn.), gloves, hats and went and beat the crap out of each other. I’ll say it was good times and not in a sarcastic way. Anyway, after that, let’s just get to notes from this week’s action.

I thought last week’s Seahawks offensive lineman shoes were awful, but that was before I saw their neon green gloves. Those things are uber-gay.

Wait, they’re bumping the Simpsons out of their 8 o’clock slot for the Terminator show? I hope this is just a one week thing. Because if it’s not, I feel a ceremony or something is necessary. Because there’s something reassuring that despite whatever happens, the Simpsons are on at 8 on Sunday.

I slept through the first half of the Packer game, so don’t expect any dramatic insights on that. I just love that they have to display the yard line. And that Ryan Grant has a degree in computer science. What happened to Ahman Green and his degree from Nebraska in geography? That’s how I like my Packer running backs. Though the thought of Ryan explaining Java to Brett Favre does amuse me. Something makes me think ol’ Brett would be lost by the time Ryan got to if statements. (See what you’re going to miss starting in February? Logic jokes in a so called football column. I’d start figuring out what to do with all the free time in your life if I was you.)

I will defend Brett though. He’s apparently the last one in America to not wear Under Armor. I love the white long sleeve t-shirt under the jersey. (Alright, two fashion comments and we’re only 400 words in. I’ll try and limit these going forward.)

Wait, Ghostbusters has been on VH1 for the past hour and a half and I didn’t notice? I’m slipping. We’re cutting over to that until the Pats-Jags game starts.

They just did a David Garrard feature. I’m not sure what I enjoyed more: that he has a white wife or that they played Beanie Siegel during this feature.

I might make fun of him, but that was a pretty impressive drive to start for Mr. Garrard.

KOOOOOOOLLLLLL-AID!!! Laurence Maroney takes it in.

If there was a dark cloud over an apartment building and parts of that building were falling apart, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near that building. Yet, there were people outside the building in Ghostbusters. I guess people are just fucking crazy sometimes. Or they’re just attracted to a TV camera.

“And there’s Moss on the outside with the block.” - Jim Nantz. That looked like Moss and the CB went with the old “You don’t want to tackle, and I don’t want to block, so let’s stand here and look like we’re jostling for position” play. Kool Aid for a big run.

Brady’s fake was ridiculous. The best description of New England’s offense is surgical.

Matt Jones. Who? Matt Jones. Who? Matt Jones. Remember when he was a 1st round draft pick?

“The Jacksonville defense is being gashed.” Let’s not mention time of possession at all CBS. New England has to have it for 2/3 of this game.

Yes, Requiem for a Dream music. I’m sufficiently hyped for the last 10 minutes.

Wait, Rodney Harrison has had 2 personal fouls tonight? You’re kidding me. He’s such a gentleman.

And 2 minutes after I write that Harrison has a game winning interception. What do I know? Nothing apparently.

Did you see that NFL Network commercial about Belichick? That damn near killed me. Wes Welker going to snowboard camp? Hilarious.

New England might have just put on the best offensive performance I’ve ever seen. Brady 26-28 with two drops? Ridiculous. I can’t say anything else about it because I don’t have the writing skills.

Everyone’s on Brady’s nuts today, but note what the New England defense did. Belichick is known for taking away what the other team likes to do. And he did it again. Everyone came in talking about the Jacksonville running game and left talking about Gerrard (most people for his performance. Me for his wife). Notice that Gerrard didn’t beat them. Alright, I’ll stop with actual football analysis since I’ve played exactly zero snaps of actual football in my life.

Did Mort just call Tom Brady a “perfect 10”? Hopefully my brain will forget this ever happened (there’s a good chance it will. Thank you multiple concussions).

I’m watching Countdown and they’re doing sounds of the previous Giants-Cowboys games. I didn’t think Romo singing “High Hopes” could be topped, but then they had Elisha giving a motivational speech. TO going, “Hate me if you want to, but I looove me,” to the Meadowlands was good as well. That was worth sitting through an hour and a half of Countdown.

Alright, Tomlinson can’t be a prick sometimes, but they’re showing the hill he built in his backyard. 25 yards at a 45 degree incline. I can respect that. Though they now have Emmit Smith talking about the hill in a metaphysical sense. This won’t end well.

There’s not enough money in the world Oreo’s could pay me to do a commercial with my brother about racing to lick Oreo’s. I do have some dignity. Looks like the Mannings have less than me.

Rivers throws an interception and Norv wastes a timeout challenging it. I’m not surprised at all at this development.

I’m watching the Colts game and reading the Post at the same time. I’m just reading that there are allegations that Britney was drinking “Purple Drank” before getting hauled off to the psycho ward. I figured that was appropriate while watching the Chargers considering one of their players was arrested for shipping codeine last year. Also, I’m intrigued by the possibility of Britney listening to Mike Jones: “Purple stuff all in my cup…”

Wow. If there was a Pontiac Game Changing award for the NFL, Antonio Cromartie would have won it for this week. Except its coming back cause of a penalty. Either way, that was his third touchdown in three halves against the Colts. At this point, I’d like to mention to my brother that Dr. Z had the incomparable Will Allen as his All NFL CB over Cromartie. Mr. Allen is now with the Dolphins, and nearly drove my brother to homicide during the Giants 2005 season.

Yes, the Punt, Pass and Kick contest results. I’m excited for the results between the 3rd and 4th quarter. Let’s see if Jim Kelly’s nephew can be the first in his family to win a championship.

So I ended up falling asleep for about 20 minutes and woke up and Billy Volek was leading the Chargers to a go ahead score. Did I wake up in the right universe?

I guess I did. Glad to see order restored again by Petyon Manning choking in the playoffs. Let’s play the “Who will he throw under the bus in the press conference” game. Order has definitely been restored since Phillip Rivers got into a shouting match with the crowd while injured. That seems about right. He’s an ass.

How is Troy Aikman announcing this game impartial? We’re 3 minutes into this game and we’ve already had 3 comments that are straight homerism. Troy was pretty silent on Toomer’s touchdown.

Marion Barber is a bad man. Someone needs to give respectability to that last name.
I’ll admit I’m one of the first to rip TO. Nothing can compare to my drunken tirade against him 3 years ago when I called his quarterback Desmond McNabb. But I will give him credit when credit is due: he’s one of the tougher MF’s I’ve seen lace them up. Him coming back from this ankle sprain (which in my experience is no joke), combined with his Super Bowl performance and I can’t question his heart (I feel this is one of the few things in life I can judge people on). So he has that going for him. And he just made two big catches on this drive.

Holy fuckin’ shit, did Eli just engineer a big time drive to tie the score before the half? I might have to stop calling him Elisha.

This isn’t NFL related, but Joakim Noah just got suspended by his teammates. Not the coaching staff, his teammates voted to have him suspended. Worth noting as a footnote the next time I call him a douchebag.

Yesterday I watched on ESPN2 a replay of the 49ers-Packers play off game from 98. That’s the game where TO drops everything insight except for the final one for a game winning touchdown with 3 seconds left. I say that because Patrick Crayton seems to want to recreate that game with his drops.

I won’t mention why Tony Romo is playing like shit and clearly looking frustrated, because we’re going to be inundated with the reason in the next week or so if the Cowboys do lose, but I’m just saying that Romo looks like shit right now. It’s bad if Elisha is the best QB out there. Though his receivers are dropping a bunch in Romo’s defense.

I think I’ve seen this Subway commercial with the guy photocopying his butt enough. It might have been funny yesterday afternoon, but by Sunday night, I might be boycotting Subway from now on.

I’m glad Tom Petty is wearing the uniforms from the Dallas team in “Any Given Sunday” on the Super Bowl halftime commercials. I have to be one of the few who got that football connection.

Can I say that the Cowboys clock management was Edwardsesque? That was an awful 2 minute drill to lose that game. Are the Giants really one of the 4 best teams in the league? Eli’s in a conference championship? I don’t know how to deal with this one. I’m dreading the number of Jessica Simpson references in the next week. It’s going to be rough. On that note, I’m going to go pass out and deal with a job I hate tomorrow.