Mid Season Review - The East

If there’s one thing I hate to be called, it’s lazy. So when I got an e-mail this week asking where new episodes were at, I took it to heart. I’m sorry, I left my laptop at the office on Friday because I was going to happy hour. It was probably a good call since I had 6 Harps, 4 Jack on the rocks and a couple jack on the rocks in 5 hours (saving receipts has been very entertaining to say the least. The time stamp on my bill makes it a lot easier to piece together the night). So you were deprived of some ridiculousness. And then I got called out for my sexuality after that last post. I was hesitant about writing it, but decided the title alone made it worth it. Anyway, as opposed to the Sports Guy I take people questioning my work ethic to heart, so I’m giving you my mid season NBA report early. I was going to hold off until after the Super Bowl, but you’re getting the East playoff teams in the Barney Standings right now. In the words of Maximus, “Are you not entertained?”

1. Knicks – I know in a previous entry, I handed them the title. I might have gotten a little ahead of myself on that, but this might be a team for the ages. It’s like the 96 Bulls going 38-3 through the first half or something like that. They still have to win in the playoffs, but as long as nothing goes horribly wrong (i.e. they fire Isiah), they’ll pull it out. I don’t even have enough space to describe how entertaining they’ve been. The only disappointment has been a lack of Zach Randolph’s strip club antics on Page 6.
2. Wizards – Just like on the actual court, when Arenas went down, they looked screwed. And just like on the actual court, others have stepped it up. Deshawn Stevenson has stepped his game and entertainment up: his beard growing contest with Drew Gooden, getting his name and number tatted on his back, general zaniness. We learned that Caron Butler’s nickname is Tough Juice. As a guy who’s named after a purple dinosaur, I would kill for a name like that. Even the rookies are stepping up. Nick Young rocks really bad furs.
3. Magic – A surprise on and off the court, they’re led by Dwight Howard in both categories. Yes, the good Christian knocked up a cheerleader (allegedly). Can’t wait for him to slapped with a paternity suit like he slapped a sticker on the backboard last year. Plus, he’s back in the dunk contest, so I’m prepared for him to be screwed again. Just looking at Turkalu makes me laugh.
4. Pacers – For Jamal Tinsley alone. Getting shot at while out at a club with the equipment manager: Classic. They really miss Stephen Jackson though.
5. Bulls – Two reasons: You can laugh at John Paxson. “Oh really? You really want to hold onto Luol Deng instead of getting Kobe?” “How’s signing Ben Wallace and letting Tyson Chandler working out?” Second, first ballot douchebag hall of famer Joakim Noah was unanimously voted by his teammates to be suspended. I was entertained by that.
6. Heat – Is anyone surprised Pat Riley is talking about leaving after this year? This is a disappointing team on and off the court. I thought there would be at least 3 Ricky Davis arrests on South Beach. I have brief Page 6 stuff on newly single Shaq’s exploits. My boy Smush got arrested for harassing a valet parker. Who is he, Chris Henry? At least White Chocolate compared the employment situation in the NBA to hookers.
7. Cavs – Drew Gooden’s beard contests. Plus Lebron’s supporting cast is an easy punch line.
8. Pistons – For Sheed being Sheed. Besides the fact that I had a dream that involved him, he also wore the old school Ace bandage for a knee brace instead of new sleeve kind. Gangsta.

Mid Season MVP: Tough to pick one player from the Knicks, but I’ll have to go with Marbury, just because he introduced the phrase “Marbury’s Truck” into my lexicon. It can be both a noun and verb. If this word was a draft prospect, Jay Bilas would be touting its versatility. If he called it “long”, I don’t think I’d stop laughing for a week.

Rookie of the Year: Joakim Noah. How dem Gator boys doing? Just see my comments on him in my Draft review in June. How do you like that Chicago winter asshat?

Executive of the Year: Do I even need to mention it?

Most Improved: Deshawn Stevenson. When he got to Washington, I thought all he was bringing was a statutory rape allegation from his Utah days. His youtube shootout with Arenas last year showed the potential. This year, he’s made the most of it.

All Star Starters:G: Marbury
G: Jamal Tinsley
C: Andrew Bogut (he ranted about NBA players jewelry in the off season, only pissing off the 98% of the entire league)
F: Deshawn Stevenson
F: Sheed

So what have we learned from the East? There’s a strong correlation between on court performance and Barney performance. See, this isn’t a total waste of time. Stay tuned for next week’s review of the superior West (just like in real life).