Monday Morning Hangover - Wildcard Round

Alright, only 11 games left in the year. Time to focus and give my all for these last few episodes. We’re just doing straight notes starting on Saturday morning.

Tom Brady has the 35+ women group on lock. First, there was Andrea Kramer openly flirting with him on Sunday Night Football. Then on Sportscenter this morning, Chris Berman filmed a segment with Brady. They cut to Linda Cohn, who goes, “We’re all jealous,” not as a joke. It sounded like she was genuinely pissed off.

Start betting heavily against the Cowboys. If you didn’t know by the time this gets posted, Tony Romo spent the bye week in Mexico with Jessica Simpson. TO cannot be happy now. (TO making Jessica Simpson jokes earlier in the year was one of my favorite moments so far this season. (Is Barney actually writing this week, or has the three days of sobriety changed him? Positive TO references were not expected.))

If anyone wants to know why American voters are uninformed, it’s because ABC does something stupid like schedule a debate against the Steelers-Jags game. Not that anyone outside of New Hampshire will be watching anyway, but at least make me feel guilty that I’m not paying attention to who will be our next president. I feel nothing if you put it up against the NFL playoffs. Because missing those would be un-American.

Since the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets are out, I’m hopping on the local Redskin bandwagon. I feel at this point, that wagon will go careening off a divider on the Beltway and burst into flames since I joined it.

Ummm…Jaime freakin’ Moyer is chosen to raise the 12th man flag for Seattle? Was David Segui busy this weekend?

Alright, who’s less deserving of having a commercial in the playoffs? Brady Quinn for Myoplex or Mangini for Sprint? Tough one. I’d say Mangini because he just went 4-12. He doesn’t deserve a commercial for awhile.

Another rhetorical question. Do you think the Seahawks players voluntarily selected their turf shoes? Those things the lineman are all wearing are hideous.

Collinsworth just said that Fred Smoot has played the most inspired football since Sean Taylor’s murder. And I thought Fred was just inspired by strippers and boats.

I’m enjoying NBC’s decision to play only music from the early 90s or Jimi Hendrix. Nothing says playoff football like Blind Melon.

After going sober for the first half, I started ingesting bourbon to make the game more interesting (ending a 95 hour streak without a drink). Since the Skins started scoring after this, I felt that my drinking was fueling their comeback. That led to getting drunk very quickly, and anger after two pick 6s, and knowing that I won’t be up for the entire Jacksonville-Pittsburgh game.
It sucks that the Skins lost, but it’s partially worth it from a comedic perspective to see Hassellbeck go back to Green Bay and Paul Allen giving high fives to his fellow millionaires.

Plus, we got to know that Seattle fans are the biggest douches in the league. One of their columnists accused Washington of exploiting Sean Taylor’s death and when Santana Moss tried to honor Taylor after his touchdown (throwing up a sign that doubled as the shocker which was hilarious), Seattle fans flipped him off. Stay classy, Seattle.

Wait, I just tuned into the Pitt Jacksonville game. Did Al Michaels just say “…Dough Boys”? Him and Madden seemed completely confused. I say Dough Boys because I think NBC’s sensors would catch Dope Boys. I love that 3 Six Mafia and Young Jeezy are factors in this years playoffs.

I love how the headset makes an imprint on Mike Tomlin’s fro. That’s great.

I missed the first half of the Tampa-Giants game because I had to go into work. But apparently Eli Manning was a competent quarterback. Then he started throwing passes at receiver’s feet and I thought, “Elisha’s back.”

I forget what Aikman was saying, but there was a point where I just shouted at my tv, “What the fuck are you talking about Troy?” Then I realized it was probably just the concussions talking.

I’m rooting for the Chargers to lose because they’re a bunch of whiners. Between Merriman’s cheating, Tomlinson’s calling out people for imitating a dance and Rivers generally douchery, I’m hoping they lose and fire Norv Turner at midfield.

Well, Tennessee’s offensive ineptitude kept them from beating Whale’s Vagina. Though I did enjoy the whole “Norv Turner won a playoff game so that justifies firing Shottenheimer” thing. Ummm…you’re still in the same round you were last year, except now you’re on the road.

And despite my claim at the beginning of this episode to buckle down and give you a good episode, it sucks and I didn’t finish it until Wednesday. I apologize (not really).