The Barney Interview

Welcome to this month’s Barney Interview, where we try to be Baxter and cut to the core of our guest. The format is this: 10 questions, our subject responds, and then Barney responds. This month’s subject is my brother, Chubb Rock. He’s over in Iraq now, so he’s very busy. He has no time for correct grammar or punctuation in his responses. I gave up trying to correct it after the first question. And if you think I can ramble on, you ain’t seen nothing yet. I guess we both inherited the ability to say nothing verbally, but can’t shut the fuck up when writing. Anyway, let’s get to the interview:

How do you know Barney?
CB: Me and Barney are brothers. He's 4 years older then me. We grew up in wombat country. Now I’m sure most of Barney's readers don’t know what and where wombat country is, although they might have heard certain stories. Wombat country is the West End. Whereas most places open up silver shops, the West End opens up liquor stores. It’s a place where celebrating being Irish isn't enough just once a year. I think he tried to name me T-rex. Or maybe I was Darryl Strawberry, I can't remember, I wasn’t born, but I should just be glad that my parents went against the suggestion of their 4 year old son. He's given me my fair share of nicknames since then too. Like Chubb Rock. Good times right. Fuckin asshole. But hey you probably don’t even remember that so who's laughing now.
Barney: For the record, I wanted to name him T-Rex. At least that’s better than what I wanted to name J-Man. I was 2 and liked trucks and wanted to name him after a dump truck. Dumper would have been a great name. CB’s just venting about all the times I used to beat his ass back in the day. Now, not so much. But CB can’t fight me (or at least no head shots) because it’s like fighting a handicapped person.

Who’s your favorite football team and why shouldn’t I make fun of them?
Give me your true feelings towards Eli Manning.
CB: my favorite football team is the giants. now i'm going to include the answer to your next question in this one. my true feelings about eli manning. i hate the fuckin retard. we'll never win anything with him except 6 of the first 9 games of a season. make fun of the giants. well, scratch that, make fun of eli and tom coughlin. i can't stand that fuckin douchebag. you can make fun of him all you want. barney does know who not to make fun of on the giants though. shockey with first hand experience. pussy. you had the chance to talk shit to a star and you when it matters your blood turned to pee-pee. back to eli. i hate him. i hate his brother peyton and those fuckin commercials. i hate the dad. we could have had either philip rivers or ben rothisberger PLUS shawne merriman. who gives a shit about HGH, that guys a beast. i hate their mom cuz she produced them. and finally i hate their brother cooper. if cooper had played quarterback he would have sucked. coaches would have seen him suck and would have thought twice about eli thinking maybe being a great quarterback isnt in their genes. and i dont know how you could consider archie manning great, he played for the saints when they absolutely SUCKED. so all there really is is peyton in that family. also i especially hate eli and know we won't win anything ever with him as qb when i watched the playoffs last year and he was in the box seats watching peyton and was more excited that Peyton was doing well then when he's ever been on the field playing in his own game. whenever he's playing he just has that same fuckin down syndrome face. oh but here's a reason not to make fun of the giants. wellington mara's (the late owner) granddaughter. HOT. don't believe me check it out. http://farm1.static.flickr.com/131/406638464_f8b528b58c.jpg gotta give the readers what they want.
Barney: Thanks for giving the readers what they want. All 3 of us appreciate it. Though that’s not going to get you out of Giants jokes. In fact, I don’t even need to make Giants jokes, they just write themselves. Eli is God’s gift to comedy. I remember a Giants fan almost punched me a couple years ago at a Super Bowl party when I said, “Eli may have had a rough year, but I heard he had a great time at the Maxim party the other night.” And really that’s all you can hope for with Eli, that he’ll have fun at Super Bowl parties.
And for the record, I was highly post concussed at the time I ran into Shockey, so talking shit to anyone, let alone a starting tight end in the NFL, was out of the question.

We all know that the greatest trick play in football movie history was The Annexation of Puerto Rico from Little Giants. In your opinion, what was the second best?
CB: it's gotta be the half back pass back to the quarterback in the replacements. why the second best play you ask? because any time keanu reeves can do something like that deserves some credit. although i guess it would have to be tied with the same exact play in the waterboy. plus adam sandler threw it to the guy who bought a fuckin lion in grandma's boy. but honestly it really doesnt matter since the annexation of puerto rico was simply incredible. if you loved that play and want to see something like that recreated in real life and havent seen the clip from the division 3 playoffs this year check this out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbblLniZbdk
Barney: Why am I not surprised you picked a half back pass? First, it’s required that in every football movie, the running back has to throw a pass to the quarterback. Second, CB caused numerous fights back in the day when he would always run the half back pass in College Football’s National Championship on Sega. His running back must have had the greatest arm ever because he would throw it in between double coverage 50 yards down the field while on the run. Everytime he would complete that, I would quit the game because that’s bullshit.
Anyway, since most movies run this trick play, I’d have to go with the “Throw the ball to the retarded kid because no one will cover him, then have him severed in half by the DB’s yet still hang on to the ball” play in Not Another Teen Movie (an underrated movie by the way). And yes, this questions sole purpose was to bitch about fights over Sega and the fact that football movies have no originality.

What movie are you most ashamed to admit you have in your DVD collection?
CB: 3 Ninja's. with the neon orange cover for the case. although i never bought it. it was a christmas present from j-man. (see barney's christmas gift article on the reasons for this gift). actually i'm not even ashamed to admit that i have it. i mean how many people can actually say that they have 3 ninja's in their dvd collection? 12? 30? honestly.
Barney: So you’re not ashamed that you own Grumpy Old Men on DVD? Wow, I was sure there would be some remorse after that purchase. I’m kind of ashamed that I own Jerry Maguire since it’s pretty much a chick flick. However, I purchased it for the sole reason of researching ways to quit my job, so I feel this was justified.

Afghanistan has been described as “bombed out and depleted.” How would you describe Iraq so I can use this description to make fun of people’s suits?
CB: i honestly have no answer to this question. i can't beat "bombed out and depleted" plus i dont want any of your readers saying that i dont support the war so why should they. just know that iraq smells like shit. really. the people here burn their shit and all their trash. it's the worst smell ever. i'd rather sit next to a bum on a train sitting in his own urine who just ate 37 white castle burgers than have to deal with the smell over here.
Barney: You suck. Though the bum I passed out next to and who offered me a blanket on New Years didn’t smell that bad, so I don’t think I can say Iraq smells bad.

What’s the greatest song from the 90s?
CB: man i have so many paths i can take with this question. and personally i dont know which one to take. also i have no idea which path you're going to take. i could take the legitimate route and go with something from Nirvana, or Biggie or something else like that, something that really was a great song. or i could go with the other route. the path of songs that people will always remember. the vanilla ice and mc hammer path. tough decision. plus i'm sure you remember "rico suave". so many possibilities but i think i'll go with the legit path and say Nirvana's Smells like teen spirit. huge impact on the music scene that really opened it up for everyday bands to make it big. brought out a whole new genre of music. Nirvana helped pave the way.
Barney: For me, the best song of a decade has to embarrassingly remind you of that decade. It’s a tie between Kris Kross’s “Jump” and House of Pain’s “Jump Around.” Because I used to play these songs while dunking on my 6 foot plastic rim outside when I was 8 years old. These make me feel like I’m in the 90s. That and ashamed, which was the whole purpose of this question.

We’ve won $375 the past two weeks in our NFL picks pool. What should the name of this new juggernaut be named?
CB: it's gotta be The Apacalypse. simply for the fact that barney's luck isnt ruining us. the world must be coming to an end. anyone that knows pat knows that he's got the shittiest luck ever. i mean this guy just hiasnt had anything go right for him in his life. especially when it comes to gambling. the thing is, he isnt completely wrong. he usually does pretty good. but when he needs one thing to go a simple way, it usually doesnt and 7 13 point underdogs all manage to win just to spite barney when it matters most. or a 13 seed manages to beat a 4 seed and thats the difference between him winning the pot and him being ruined in the first round. sorry barnes. plus the fact that i've seen one nfl game this season and that was the pats colts game. and the fact that i'm too busy trying not to get blown up rather than whether or not san francisco can cover against seattle. who the fuck cares.

Barney: I’d go with “Child’s Play 2”. This is in reference to the first time my brother’s and I ran through the NFL Picks Pool with a chain saw. Back in 94, 10 year old Barney and J Man made a run for the ages when our dad hit a cold spell and decided that 8 and 10 year olds could pick better than him. They sent out a league wide fax (that’s how it was done back then) saying, “It’s just child’s play.” I don’t think I’ve ever been prouder in my life.
Plus, it’s not like my luck hasn’t cost us at least $400 already. If Baltimore doesn’t have a BS offensive pass interference call in week 1, or if Denver decides to go for a touchdown in regulation against Green Bay instead of a field goal to send to overtime, or if they didn’t allow a touchdown on the first play in overtime, we would have won already.

What was Shawn Kemp’s greatest accomplishment?
CB: i'd have to say that he didnt go down the same path as Magic. obviously the man doesnt believe in condoms so the fact that he didnt contract any deadly STD is pretty impressive. sorry Magic.
Barney: That, my friend, is a tremendous answer. Since I can’t beat that, I’d have to say his video on NBA Superstars (only the greatest DVD of all time) with Pearl Jam playing or naming his dunk of Alton Listor of Golden State, “The Listor Blister.”

Since I probably don’t remember it, give me your favorite Barney story.
CB: favorite Barney story. tough decision. i'd probably have to go with the whole period when me and j-man knew about his girl from texas and mom had no idea. you see barney, although usually very open about his personal life decided to keep the fact that he had a girl that was from texas away from our moms knowledge. it just so happens that around the same time we discovered Texas Toast. it's absolutely delicious, but we always made sure we asked for it when barney was coming home. mom just really thought we loved the name texas toast and had no idea what we were always laughing our asses off. it was great because barnes had no comeback at all. 6 months of solid inside joke comedy. it all fell apart when he had to tell mom about his girl when she came up pregnant. that really didnt have anything to do with barney though. also have to love the theme song that he had going with him during that time too. i gotta thank barney's roommate floyd banks for this find. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIUnDVyDMeA just wait for the chorus. my answer sucks. although i havent gotten to see barney at his highest barney moments.
Barney: Wait, I call shenanigans on that. I have never been open with my personal life with our family. I still don’t think I’ve told them me and my baby mama aren’t together anymore. And it took 3 months for me to even tell them she was knocked up. And I didn’t tell them who I was going to the prom with until June and I came home with a tuxedo. The Texas Toast for dinner was classic though.

want to thank barney for giving me the chance to ramble about shit that no one in there right mind should care about. but then again if you're reading stories about bums feeling sympathetic for barney you're probably not in your right mind anyway. well on that note i'm done and if anyone managed to make it this far thanks for sticking it out and i hope you all support what i'm doing. I'm not talking about the war i'm talking about trying to free Ron Mexico.

Thank you for spending time in a hot desert so I can write this retarded shit and for keeping your eyes on the prize: Freeing Ookie.