Monday Morning Hangover - Conference Championship

Conference championship week. Let’s get right into it:

Breaking news from my favorite news source, the NY Post. Eli’s on the front cover, about how he’s making his girlfriend sit in the stands. Lost in that story was this nugget: “He’s been spotted at least twice at Tracy Js Watering Hole on 19th Street, and has been seen and heard singing ‘I’m Too Sexy.” I don’t even need to make a joke there. Though if you see me at Tracy Js, you’ll know why.

Berman called the Chargers coach “Norv Turnover” and he wasn’t joking. I enjoy Freudian slips about poor coaching. I’m shocked that only 76% of America thinks the Pats will win according to ESPN. Mismatch doesn’t begin to describe Belichick versus the Norv. Then again, there’s a reason bookies always make money.

I’m dreading Super Bowl week. ESPN is running a piece on Tom Brady actually being on the Brady Bunch. If I don’t avoid tv and the internet, I might commit homicide by the time the Super Bowl actually kicks off if it’s New England-Green Bay. The only thing that might make it entertaining is Phillip Rivers on media day. His douchebaggery will be revealed to the world.

Boomer Esiason just compared Ryan Grant to Icky Woods. Everybody Icky Shuffle. Hopefully, we’ll all dance while Eli sings.

Just getting this down on the internet, where nothing is ever deleted. Brock sent me a text saying he had a dream that Green Bay wins 44-31. 75 points in 0 degree weather? Ok Brock.

Watching Gladiator before the game wasn’t a good idea. I’m now so hyped up I might break my keyboard typing. And that’s after drinking Bloody Mary’s since 11:30.

We have the first coaching mistake of the day by The Norv. Let’s have our team not warm up going into the wind. That’s a sound coaching decision if I’ve ever seen one. It’s not like you’ll be spending half the game going in that direction.

And we had our first Peyton commercial. I’m glad he’s giving me advice on how to deal with the football season ending. I feel he’s an expert in that category.

C’mon Phil say it. One of Quentin Jammer’s strength is jamming the receiver. Don’t dance around it. You know you want to say it. “Rerouting the receiver” may be alliterative, but it’s not good enough.

And right after I write that, Quentin intercepts one. After last week’s comment about Rodney Harrison before his pick, I might just stop writing about secondary personnel.

Few things in life can get me more excited than the words, “And there’s a reverse to Moss.” And he doesn’t disappoint. Not quite Randy at Marshall exciting, but it got me going none the less.

Kool motherfuckin’ Aid takes it in from the 1. That’s “Mahoney” for all you bandwagon Boston fans.

That was absolutely the greatest play I’ve ever seen on special teams by Kelly Washington. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone stand on the endzone and then volleyball it back into play.

Wait, Phillip Rivers threw one up for grabs that got intercepted? Am I supposed to be surprised by this? Way to go Chris Chambers, let a guy 6 inches smaller and 50 pounder lighter get that jump ball from you.

Jabbar Gaffney takes one in for New England. We’re a San Diego 3 and out and Brady 2 minute drill from me taking a nap. Because Whale’s Vagina isn’t coming back from 14+.

It wasn’t 3 and out, but Marmalard just threw another interception. Are you regretting not having Rivers throw into the wind Norv?

And Nick Kaeding gets the award for biggest over reaction of the day so far. It’s just a 40 yard field goal. Are you just happy you’re not shanking playoff field goals?

Wow, Brady has thrown 62 touchdowns in the red zone without a red zone interception. The last one was by Bailey in the playoffs two years ago. The one he just threw was a big one and Cromartie came up big again.

Phillip Rivers overreacting after talking with Richard Seymour? We’ve had our first douche alert of the afternoon.

Phil Mickelson paints his face for Charger games? Jim Nantz just dropped that in. I’m demanding picture evidence. Preferably one with Phil with a shirt on.

If I was a black actor and wasn’t asked to be in “Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins”, I think I would be offended. That thing has everyone. At least as far as I can tell from the trailer.

Kool Motherfuckin’ Aid. You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him. If it wasn’t a cliché', I’d say he would run through a wall to win this game. For those of you who wonder why I call Maroney Kool Aid, that’s his nickname. In fact, he has the Kool Aid man on his chain. With red diamonds. I have no idea how he got the nickname, but I’m not going to complain.

3 minutes to go, Patriots at the 30 up by 9. This game is all but over, except the line is at 15. I know there are a lot of people hoping Brady keeps throwing it. I’m personally hoping for Logan Mankins doing the lights out dance after this is over. And an interview with Kool Aid.

Now when I hear 50 Cent’s “Technology”, I’ll think strip club anthem and the Lamar Hunt trophy presentation. Thank you CBS.

Fuck you Jim Nantz. You didn’t appreciate the comedy of Kool Aid. Why only one question? Was it that his first response wasn’t grammatically correct? That’s even more of a reason to ask another one. I hope ESPN has the entire Masters and not just the USA Network Thursday and Friday coverage.

Alright, I’m rooting for the Giants tonight. Just for two weeks of Eli interviews. He might be the only one who’s more awkward on nationally televised interviews than I would be. Plus, it gives another two weeks for someone to post Eli singing “I’m Too Sexy” on youtube.

I can’t look at Jimmy Johnson without laughing. His hair is not liking this weather. Howie counters it by wearing a hat that I thought went out of production once the Soviet Union collapsed. Fox’s decision to have their studio crew actually be outside is paying off. I’m very entertained.

“Frank Caliendo and our entire panel of experts will pick today’s game.” I’m glad a guy who has Mad TV as the top line of his resume is now giving the title, football expert. If I get on Mad TV, can I be a sobriety expert?

Uh oh. The Redskins were ready to hire Jim Mora Jr. as their head coach until he pulled his name out. And now there’s a “mystery candidate” who’ll have an interview this week. Let’s just say that I’m not confident in Mr. Snyder’s ability to pick a coach.

Ummm…Plaxico Burress can’t feel his hands? I think this would have been relevant information before the game if I was betting on it. NOT IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE FIRST PLAY OF THE GAME. Luckily, I’m not because I wouldn’t touch this game with a 39 and a half foot pole. A game starting at -23 degrees has more luck involved than anything. And you know how me and luck are.

I’m pissed that there’s no more Ed Hochuli this year. They have apparently named the Super Bowl ref and it’s not Ed. I feel that the NFL should announce that this is Ed’s last game of the season so I can prepare myself for 8 months without the guns.

Is anyone else enjoying these 30 yard punts that do absolutely nothing with regards to field position? I’m hoping both teams say “fuck it” in the second half and go for it on every fourth down regardless of field position, like we used to do on the playground. I’m sure Brett Favre would be down with that.

And Donald Driver just changed the complexion of this game. Terrible pursuit angles by the Giants secondary.

They just showed downtown Green Bay. Apparently you just need a general store in your town to have an NFL team. I was doing the math, and my hometown has a bigger population on a summer weekend than Green Bay does. And we can’t even have a high school basketball team that can win more than 2 conference games a year. Oh yeah, we won when I was there, but I’m so pissed at them now, I won’t even give them the satisfaction of name checking their team, lest they have googling skills. They’re not worthy of being on The Barney Show.

Plex is abusing Al Harris out there. I guess Al is held back by his tattoos. They showed him shirtless on the pregame and I think his entire body is tatted up.

Ok, this is getting creepy. Immediately after I write that, Al Harris intercepts one. Except it got taken back by an illegal hands call. That’s it, no more talking about defensive backs.

Can I say that I enjoy Brandon Jacobs’ endzone celebrations? Last week it was the throwing the ball at the play clock for no reason what so ever, and now the fake Lambeau leap. Though, Randy Moss did set the bar pretty high for Lambeau playoff celebrations. Unless Joe Buck is calling your celebration classless, you haven’t tried hard enough.

And there’s three girls in Green Bay bikini tops. Thank God for drunk college girls. What would I do without them?

Plaxico is being Jordanesque? He’s taunting the Green Bay sidelines saying, “He can’t cover me.” That’s like MJ in his prime.

Politics and football? What? Why would I want politics with my Super Bowl? I know Super Tuesday is two days after it, but I’m going to be trying to avoid that crap as much as possible. You’ll get a very angry final MMH if this is true.

I just went out to my car to get the extra beer I keep in the trunk and was bracing for Arctic conditions. Instead, I got 30 degrees and no wind. I think I’ve been watching too much football today.

Wow. Green Bay did the Troy Brown memorial “Throw and interception, get a fumble and pick up a first down” play. And for the record, that’s the second time that’s happened to a Tom Coughlin team in the playoffs. The Jags did it against the 98 Jets as well. We’ll be back with more completely useless information soon.

The Packers tie it up. If Green Bay ends up winning this game, we’ll have to deal with two weeks of Berman and Peter King saying it was destiny that they got here. That interception/fumble seals it. A reckless Favre throw that ended up working out. I might as well start preparing for two weeks without tv or internet.

I’m not excited that football is ending, but I will be glad that I don’t have to deal with these “The Great American Lager” commercials. It’s fucking Budweiser. It’s what I drink when I don’t care. It’s my mass quantity intake beer. If I care about quality, it’s anything but Budweiser. Let’s not kid ourselves.

You know its cold when pieces of helmets are falling off. If I were Joe Buck, I would take this is a Lloyd Christmas rant, ending in, “Players helmets are falling apart!” But if I was Joe Buck, I would have rode the bullet train awhile ago and wouldn’t be broadcasting this game. So it’s a wash really.

The Green Bay crowd is 80% in green, 20% in bright orange hunting gear. No comment, just wanted to note that.

I just realized that Plexico looks like 4th grade Barney playing roller hockey. The hoodie underneath the jersey, but sticking out the back. The Earl Campbell mouthpiece. I knew I’ve seen that look somewhere. If he has sweatpants with writing on the side underneath his uniform, he’d be a dead ringer for me. Except for the skin color and sport.

7 minutes to go. Up 3. 1st and 10. Time to run some time off the clock right? Of course not. Brett chucks it 3 times down the field and its 3 and out.

The Packers’ punter is John Ryan? The John Ryan? Does he double as a CIA agent in Tom Clancy novels during the off season? (That’s what you get from the Barney Show. A post yesterday on mid 90s hip hop and the next day, making Tom Clancy references.

A note to Tom Coughlin: Please do not let RW McQuarters touch the ball the rest of this game. Just a suggestion. Between Al Harris and RW (had dreads up until March), I think we’ve learned that dreadlocks do not go well in negative three degree weather.

Another suggestion to Coughlin: Don’t chew out your kicker for missing kicks in negative temperatures. We’re going to overtime. I’m glad I have off tomorrow and don’t have to worry about getting my hungover ass out of bed tomorrow. We’re now watching the last overtime since Hasselbeck’s debacle. Was anyone else hoping Green Bay paid tribute to that? No, just me? Ok. Good to know.

The Giants get an interception and then run the Herm Edwards Overtime Playoff offense by going as conservative as possible.

Holy fucking shit, Tynes hit it. Eli Manning quarterbacked a team to the Super Bowl. And he looked competent doing it. It wasn’t a Trent Dilfer one. And for some reason the Green Bay is playing John Mellencamp’s “Small Town.” How about that? I listened to that song this afternoon while watching Larry Bird’s segment on NBA Superstars 1. Eli Manning looking for someone to hug and all he can find is the punter. That was classic. I’m not even trying to put thoughts together in paragraph form or anything like that. The Ewing Theory might need to be renamed the Tiki Theory. TWO WEEKS OF ELI INTERVIEWS. TWO WEEKS OF NY POST EXCLUSIVES. How does Peyton feel? Good Lord, how many interviews will him and Archie do in Phoenix? Please keep it at one a day (that’s completely over optimistic isn’t it?). On that note, I’m going to bed.