http://www.flickr.com/photos/15980883@N08/2218223673/in/set-72157603791127761/
New England Patriot's Laurence Maroney, nicknamed Kool-Aid, was the inspiration for Reebok's new Kool-Aid collection.
I'm completely speechless. I think I need to buy these shoes out of principle.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Barney Endorsements
Like I said, we’re churning out episodes here at the Barney Show in response to demand (of one person). With the primary season in full bloom (I’m really sorry. I could not think of anything better than “bloom”. I have the vocabulary of a 4th grader sometimes), and candidates dropping out and endorsing other candidates, I’m here to endorse my own choices.
First we have the official comedian of the Barney Show: Daniel Tosh
I saw this guy live a year or so ago and laughed my ass off (he made a joke about Corey Liddle’s piloting skills like 3 days after he crashed then asked, “Too soon?” That alone made his whole set a classic). At least from what I can remember. I was drunk off my ass that night. I saw him on Comedy Central the other night and my thoughts were confirmed. The reason he’s the official comedian of the Barney Show is that his stand up is just like my writing: completely non-sensical. He makes a joke that one person gets, and is perfectly fine with it. He trails off on side stories. It’s just like I’m writing his stuff, except that his stuff is good.
The official college football player of The Barney Show was Darren McFadden obviously. I didn’t even need to give this out. I hadn’t had a man crush on a college basketball player yet, but last night I found the official player. We may not be to man crush levels yet, but he’s got my endorsement. The lucky player: Eric Maynor. Who you ask? He plays for Virginia Commonwealth. Who you ask again? They beat Duke in the NCAAs last year (for that alone he would have gotten some consideration). He had the best non Durant-Oden performance I saw all year when he went on a 9-0 run by himself against George Mason to get his team to the tournament. And then I was watching the rematch against GMU Tuesday night and even though they lost, he had me. One drive and kick sealed the deal (I might be the only basketball commentator who bases his favorites on a drive and fucking kick). It really was a thing of beauty (Another example of misplaced priorities. I consider a dribble and pass pretty. I need help), you have to believe me. Not enough to boost a team in the Barney Standings? There was a picture of him on the internet this week drunk, wearing sunglasses at night and giving the cameraman the middle finger. That’s enough for me. If I can watch you beat Duke while singing “Sunglasses at Night”, that’s all I ask for really.
So Daniel Tosh and Eric Maynor, you have the least prestigious award you can get: A Barney Show Endorsements. Actually, I’d start saving my money now if I were you because that’s like the kiss of death. All bandwagon’s I jump on careen horribly into oncoming traffic.
First we have the official comedian of the Barney Show: Daniel Tosh
I saw this guy live a year or so ago and laughed my ass off (he made a joke about Corey Liddle’s piloting skills like 3 days after he crashed then asked, “Too soon?” That alone made his whole set a classic). At least from what I can remember. I was drunk off my ass that night. I saw him on Comedy Central the other night and my thoughts were confirmed. The reason he’s the official comedian of the Barney Show is that his stand up is just like my writing: completely non-sensical. He makes a joke that one person gets, and is perfectly fine with it. He trails off on side stories. It’s just like I’m writing his stuff, except that his stuff is good.
The official college football player of The Barney Show was Darren McFadden obviously. I didn’t even need to give this out. I hadn’t had a man crush on a college basketball player yet, but last night I found the official player. We may not be to man crush levels yet, but he’s got my endorsement. The lucky player: Eric Maynor. Who you ask? He plays for Virginia Commonwealth. Who you ask again? They beat Duke in the NCAAs last year (for that alone he would have gotten some consideration). He had the best non Durant-Oden performance I saw all year when he went on a 9-0 run by himself against George Mason to get his team to the tournament. And then I was watching the rematch against GMU Tuesday night and even though they lost, he had me. One drive and kick sealed the deal (I might be the only basketball commentator who bases his favorites on a drive and fucking kick). It really was a thing of beauty (Another example of misplaced priorities. I consider a dribble and pass pretty. I need help), you have to believe me. Not enough to boost a team in the Barney Standings? There was a picture of him on the internet this week drunk, wearing sunglasses at night and giving the cameraman the middle finger. That’s enough for me. If I can watch you beat Duke while singing “Sunglasses at Night”, that’s all I ask for really.
So Daniel Tosh and Eric Maynor, you have the least prestigious award you can get: A Barney Show Endorsements. Actually, I’d start saving my money now if I were you because that’s like the kiss of death. All bandwagon’s I jump on careen horribly into oncoming traffic.
Mid Season Review - The East
If there’s one thing I hate to be called, it’s lazy. So when I got an e-mail this week asking where new episodes were at, I took it to heart. I’m sorry, I left my laptop at the office on Friday because I was going to happy hour. It was probably a good call since I had 6 Harps, 4 Jack on the rocks and a couple jack on the rocks in 5 hours (saving receipts has been very entertaining to say the least. The time stamp on my bill makes it a lot easier to piece together the night). So you were deprived of some ridiculousness. And then I got called out for my sexuality after that last post. I was hesitant about writing it, but decided the title alone made it worth it. Anyway, as opposed to the Sports Guy I take people questioning my work ethic to heart, so I’m giving you my mid season NBA report early. I was going to hold off until after the Super Bowl, but you’re getting the East playoff teams in the Barney Standings right now. In the words of Maximus, “Are you not entertained?”
1. Knicks – I know in a previous entry, I handed them the title. I might have gotten a little ahead of myself on that, but this might be a team for the ages. It’s like the 96 Bulls going 38-3 through the first half or something like that. They still have to win in the playoffs, but as long as nothing goes horribly wrong (i.e. they fire Isiah), they’ll pull it out. I don’t even have enough space to describe how entertaining they’ve been. The only disappointment has been a lack of Zach Randolph’s strip club antics on Page 6.
2. Wizards – Just like on the actual court, when Arenas went down, they looked screwed. And just like on the actual court, others have stepped it up. Deshawn Stevenson has stepped his game and entertainment up: his beard growing contest with Drew Gooden, getting his name and number tatted on his back, general zaniness. We learned that Caron Butler’s nickname is Tough Juice. As a guy who’s named after a purple dinosaur, I would kill for a name like that. Even the rookies are stepping up. Nick Young rocks really bad furs.
3. Magic – A surprise on and off the court, they’re led by Dwight Howard in both categories. Yes, the good Christian knocked up a cheerleader (allegedly). Can’t wait for him to slapped with a paternity suit like he slapped a sticker on the backboard last year. Plus, he’s back in the dunk contest, so I’m prepared for him to be screwed again. Just looking at Turkalu makes me laugh.
4. Pacers – For Jamal Tinsley alone. Getting shot at while out at a club with the equipment manager: Classic. They really miss Stephen Jackson though.
5. Bulls – Two reasons: You can laugh at John Paxson. “Oh really? You really want to hold onto Luol Deng instead of getting Kobe?” “How’s signing Ben Wallace and letting Tyson Chandler working out?” Second, first ballot douchebag hall of famer Joakim Noah was unanimously voted by his teammates to be suspended. I was entertained by that.
6. Heat – Is anyone surprised Pat Riley is talking about leaving after this year? This is a disappointing team on and off the court. I thought there would be at least 3 Ricky Davis arrests on South Beach. I have brief Page 6 stuff on newly single Shaq’s exploits. My boy Smush got arrested for harassing a valet parker. Who is he, Chris Henry? At least White Chocolate compared the employment situation in the NBA to hookers.
7. Cavs – Drew Gooden’s beard contests. Plus Lebron’s supporting cast is an easy punch line.
8. Pistons – For Sheed being Sheed. Besides the fact that I had a dream that involved him, he also wore the old school Ace bandage for a knee brace instead of new sleeve kind. Gangsta.
Mid Season MVP: Tough to pick one player from the Knicks, but I’ll have to go with Marbury, just because he introduced the phrase “Marbury’s Truck” into my lexicon. It can be both a noun and verb. If this word was a draft prospect, Jay Bilas would be touting its versatility. If he called it “long”, I don’t think I’d stop laughing for a week.
Rookie of the Year: Joakim Noah. How dem Gator boys doing? Just see my comments on him in my Draft review in June. How do you like that Chicago winter asshat?
Executive of the Year: Do I even need to mention it?
Most Improved: Deshawn Stevenson. When he got to Washington, I thought all he was bringing was a statutory rape allegation from his Utah days. His youtube shootout with Arenas last year showed the potential. This year, he’s made the most of it.
All Star Starters:G: Marbury
G: Jamal Tinsley
C: Andrew Bogut (he ranted about NBA players jewelry in the off season, only pissing off the 98% of the entire league)
F: Deshawn Stevenson
F: Sheed
So what have we learned from the East? There’s a strong correlation between on court performance and Barney performance. See, this isn’t a total waste of time. Stay tuned for next week’s review of the superior West (just like in real life).
1. Knicks – I know in a previous entry, I handed them the title. I might have gotten a little ahead of myself on that, but this might be a team for the ages. It’s like the 96 Bulls going 38-3 through the first half or something like that. They still have to win in the playoffs, but as long as nothing goes horribly wrong (i.e. they fire Isiah), they’ll pull it out. I don’t even have enough space to describe how entertaining they’ve been. The only disappointment has been a lack of Zach Randolph’s strip club antics on Page 6.
2. Wizards – Just like on the actual court, when Arenas went down, they looked screwed. And just like on the actual court, others have stepped it up. Deshawn Stevenson has stepped his game and entertainment up: his beard growing contest with Drew Gooden, getting his name and number tatted on his back, general zaniness. We learned that Caron Butler’s nickname is Tough Juice. As a guy who’s named after a purple dinosaur, I would kill for a name like that. Even the rookies are stepping up. Nick Young rocks really bad furs.
3. Magic – A surprise on and off the court, they’re led by Dwight Howard in both categories. Yes, the good Christian knocked up a cheerleader (allegedly). Can’t wait for him to slapped with a paternity suit like he slapped a sticker on the backboard last year. Plus, he’s back in the dunk contest, so I’m prepared for him to be screwed again. Just looking at Turkalu makes me laugh.
4. Pacers – For Jamal Tinsley alone. Getting shot at while out at a club with the equipment manager: Classic. They really miss Stephen Jackson though.
5. Bulls – Two reasons: You can laugh at John Paxson. “Oh really? You really want to hold onto Luol Deng instead of getting Kobe?” “How’s signing Ben Wallace and letting Tyson Chandler working out?” Second, first ballot douchebag hall of famer Joakim Noah was unanimously voted by his teammates to be suspended. I was entertained by that.
6. Heat – Is anyone surprised Pat Riley is talking about leaving after this year? This is a disappointing team on and off the court. I thought there would be at least 3 Ricky Davis arrests on South Beach. I have brief Page 6 stuff on newly single Shaq’s exploits. My boy Smush got arrested for harassing a valet parker. Who is he, Chris Henry? At least White Chocolate compared the employment situation in the NBA to hookers.
7. Cavs – Drew Gooden’s beard contests. Plus Lebron’s supporting cast is an easy punch line.
8. Pistons – For Sheed being Sheed. Besides the fact that I had a dream that involved him, he also wore the old school Ace bandage for a knee brace instead of new sleeve kind. Gangsta.
Mid Season MVP: Tough to pick one player from the Knicks, but I’ll have to go with Marbury, just because he introduced the phrase “Marbury’s Truck” into my lexicon. It can be both a noun and verb. If this word was a draft prospect, Jay Bilas would be touting its versatility. If he called it “long”, I don’t think I’d stop laughing for a week.
Rookie of the Year: Joakim Noah. How dem Gator boys doing? Just see my comments on him in my Draft review in June. How do you like that Chicago winter asshat?
Executive of the Year: Do I even need to mention it?
Most Improved: Deshawn Stevenson. When he got to Washington, I thought all he was bringing was a statutory rape allegation from his Utah days. His youtube shootout with Arenas last year showed the potential. This year, he’s made the most of it.
All Star Starters:G: Marbury
G: Jamal Tinsley
C: Andrew Bogut (he ranted about NBA players jewelry in the off season, only pissing off the 98% of the entire league)
F: Deshawn Stevenson
F: Sheed
So what have we learned from the East? There’s a strong correlation between on court performance and Barney performance. See, this isn’t a total waste of time. Stay tuned for next week’s review of the superior West (just like in real life).
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Women: Can't Live With Them and They Can't Pee Standing Up
Because I’m constantly looking for ways to entertain you (How about that episode title? One of the greatest lines in movie history if you ask me), the reader, I submit to you another example of karma kicking my ass for being an asshole for all those years: due to staff changes, my office now entirely consists of women. It’s the Barn Man and 5 chicks, ranging in age from 23 to 55. In the past month I think I’ve learned more about women than in my previous 23 years combined. I’ve come to one conclusion: they are bat shit insane. (If you thought I’m going on some Mel Gibson, “What Women Want” tangent, you are sorely mistaken and probably do not have the same expectations for this blog as I do.) What else have I learned (besides to never call myself Barn Man)?
They’re highly emotional. I feel like Omar Gooding in “Baby Boy”, saying that they’re too emotional (and if you’re thinking I reference Omar Gooding because he was also in Nickelodeon’s “Wild N Crazy Kids” you are correct. Not a moment goes by in that movie when I don’t want to ask, “What happened to Donny?”). But they are. I’ve had at least 3 women have flipped out and started crying in front of me. That’s an average of once every 5 weeks I have to deal with awkward shit. In fact, I just had to deal with someone losing her shit for 30 minutes in the office, then calling me to talk for 15 minutes after she left. What is that shit? Why me? I’m the most unemotional person I can think of. In fact, I told her after she finished her first episode, “This isn’t like spreadsheets. They have real answers. I don’t know what to tell you.” I’m pretty sure if the person you’re trying to get emotional with is referencing Excel, they’re not the person you should be spilling your guts to. I mean, I comfort myself by drinking bourbon, and suppressing the emotion. I suggest you do the same. Or find someone better to talk to.
I’ve also learned that apparently, I’m a dreamboat for women 35 and older. Here are a few of the things I’ve been told lately. Not that I believe them. “You’re going to make someone a great husband one day.” (Yes, I’m sure someone is looking forward to seeing me leave the house at 5 am and not return until 8 pm. Then upon returning home I will drink as much Jack as possible before passing out. I’m sure this is every woman’s dream, right? Because if it is, I’ve been squandering more potential than JR Rider.)
“You spoil me. You treat me too well.” (No, I do your job for you because you’re lazy and incompetent. You’d eventually pass this work on to me, but I saw this coming and headed it off before you could dump it on me at 3:30 on a Friday afternoon).
The kicker is what my manager told me: “If I was 15 years younger, we should be dating…well that and if I wasn’t married.” Wait, wait, wait, hold up right there. Age and marriage are the kickers in our potential relationship? Not the fact that you weigh 100 pounds more than me and I’m not even in shape? I’m glad you just assumed that I would let that slide (I know I went to a tech school, so my standards have been distorted somewhat. But not that much. Thank God for Biz Tech sometimes).
Anyway, because I haven’t had a good drinking story in awhile for you guys, I will continue to tell you this story. To make matters worse, my coworkers think that my manager (we’ll call her the Manatee) is secretly in love with me. They have good evidence of this (I think she said that she “loved” me once in a business sense, but I ignore half of the things she says so I might have missed what was actually said. I usually start picturing monkeys dancing after 45 seconds of her talking non-stop). Plus she comes over to my desk and stands in weird, potentially suggestive positions. I’m in complete denial. And there will be no relationship. Not because she’s obese, or married, or older. It’s because she’s completely inept at her job and that would piss me off more than anything.
So that got me thinking (I have to conserve this skill. My brain only continues to function for a few minutes a day. It’s like it only works via solar power. God that was an awful metaphor. Sorry, couldn’t think of anything else.). What does this relationship remind me of? I could only come to one conclusion: She’s Isiah and I’m Anucha Brown-Sanders (alright, maybe I could have thought a little bit more about this, but if I can compare someone to the worst GM in the history of sports, I’m going to do it 9 times out of 10.). Let’s go through the similarities:Creating a Hostile Workplace: Isiah calls people a “bitch” and does not “give a fuck about white people.” Manatee tells embarrassing stories about her family and has the social graces of a leper. Manatee has also called a female coworker a “bitch”. But this was allowed under Isiah’s rules because it wasn’t a white male using this term to describe a black female. Thanks Isiah.
Sexual Harassment: Isiah compares relationships to “Love and Basketball.” She says that we should be dating, asks me about my views on adultery, and calls me her “work husband.” I’d actually rather have the “Love and Basketball” metaphor because then I could say, “If that’s the case, then this isn’t going to work. I can’t take that movie seriously because the chick in that movie pulls up from 3 on a breakaway.” (I’ve actually used a variation of this before. It got me out of the movie, but getting some was out of the question that night. This girl also had to deal with me stopping in the middle of sex to watch replay after replay of McGrady throwing it off the backboard to himself in the middle of the 2002 all star game. I wonder why this relationship didn’t work out?)
Complete Incompetence in Their Jobs: Isiah’s actions have been well documented in my blog. The Manatee does absolutely nothing all day except yell at her delinquent kids and shop on eBay, yet she takes all the credit. Like I mentioned before, this is the part that would keep this from working. I couldn’t deal with her asking me how to run a report from a system she freakin’ designed.
So when I do quit, maybe I could get a sexual harassment case going. I do have that going for me (ummm….maybe I should reevaluate my life if a sexual harassment case is a positive).
What else have I learned about women?
They really like to cook. I’ve heard more debates regarding the best way to cook stuff than I care to know. I’ve heard simple recipes that you can do in 15 minutes. And I continue to enjoy my skillet sensations every night. If you really wanted to impress me, you’d give me a recipe for another liquor I could mix with Henn Rock that would taste as good as an Incredible Hulk
They know how to hate. I thought I could hate. I mean, I’ve said everything about JJ Reddick in the book, but I’ve never wished death on him. These women, they’ve not only wished death on coworkers, but painful deaths at that. I actually want to keep people around that I don’t like for comedy purposes.
They have no taste in movies. I had two of them tell me, being completely honest, that “Troy” was a better movie than “Gladiator.” Umm…I didn’t even need to see Troy to know it sucked. They also failed to see the brilliance in Gladiator. They were apparently not swayed by my argument that it won the Best Picture award that year. They just wanted to see guys with their shirts off. And they say that men are superficial.
Anyway, I think I’m bitching too much. This whole emotional thing might be rubbing off on me. I’ll just go back to my normal method of venting by drinking lots of Jack and passing out instead of blogging anonymously on the internet. Sorry for wasting 5 minutes of your life. I’m realizing now this episode sucks, but I’ll post it because I don’t have any other ideas for the foreseeable future.
They’re highly emotional. I feel like Omar Gooding in “Baby Boy”, saying that they’re too emotional (and if you’re thinking I reference Omar Gooding because he was also in Nickelodeon’s “Wild N Crazy Kids” you are correct. Not a moment goes by in that movie when I don’t want to ask, “What happened to Donny?”). But they are. I’ve had at least 3 women have flipped out and started crying in front of me. That’s an average of once every 5 weeks I have to deal with awkward shit. In fact, I just had to deal with someone losing her shit for 30 minutes in the office, then calling me to talk for 15 minutes after she left. What is that shit? Why me? I’m the most unemotional person I can think of. In fact, I told her after she finished her first episode, “This isn’t like spreadsheets. They have real answers. I don’t know what to tell you.” I’m pretty sure if the person you’re trying to get emotional with is referencing Excel, they’re not the person you should be spilling your guts to. I mean, I comfort myself by drinking bourbon, and suppressing the emotion. I suggest you do the same. Or find someone better to talk to.
I’ve also learned that apparently, I’m a dreamboat for women 35 and older. Here are a few of the things I’ve been told lately. Not that I believe them. “You’re going to make someone a great husband one day.” (Yes, I’m sure someone is looking forward to seeing me leave the house at 5 am and not return until 8 pm. Then upon returning home I will drink as much Jack as possible before passing out. I’m sure this is every woman’s dream, right? Because if it is, I’ve been squandering more potential than JR Rider.)
“You spoil me. You treat me too well.” (No, I do your job for you because you’re lazy and incompetent. You’d eventually pass this work on to me, but I saw this coming and headed it off before you could dump it on me at 3:30 on a Friday afternoon).
The kicker is what my manager told me: “If I was 15 years younger, we should be dating…well that and if I wasn’t married.” Wait, wait, wait, hold up right there. Age and marriage are the kickers in our potential relationship? Not the fact that you weigh 100 pounds more than me and I’m not even in shape? I’m glad you just assumed that I would let that slide (I know I went to a tech school, so my standards have been distorted somewhat. But not that much. Thank God for Biz Tech sometimes).
Anyway, because I haven’t had a good drinking story in awhile for you guys, I will continue to tell you this story. To make matters worse, my coworkers think that my manager (we’ll call her the Manatee) is secretly in love with me. They have good evidence of this (I think she said that she “loved” me once in a business sense, but I ignore half of the things she says so I might have missed what was actually said. I usually start picturing monkeys dancing after 45 seconds of her talking non-stop). Plus she comes over to my desk and stands in weird, potentially suggestive positions. I’m in complete denial. And there will be no relationship. Not because she’s obese, or married, or older. It’s because she’s completely inept at her job and that would piss me off more than anything.
So that got me thinking (I have to conserve this skill. My brain only continues to function for a few minutes a day. It’s like it only works via solar power. God that was an awful metaphor. Sorry, couldn’t think of anything else.). What does this relationship remind me of? I could only come to one conclusion: She’s Isiah and I’m Anucha Brown-Sanders (alright, maybe I could have thought a little bit more about this, but if I can compare someone to the worst GM in the history of sports, I’m going to do it 9 times out of 10.). Let’s go through the similarities:Creating a Hostile Workplace: Isiah calls people a “bitch” and does not “give a fuck about white people.” Manatee tells embarrassing stories about her family and has the social graces of a leper. Manatee has also called a female coworker a “bitch”. But this was allowed under Isiah’s rules because it wasn’t a white male using this term to describe a black female. Thanks Isiah.
Sexual Harassment: Isiah compares relationships to “Love and Basketball.” She says that we should be dating, asks me about my views on adultery, and calls me her “work husband.” I’d actually rather have the “Love and Basketball” metaphor because then I could say, “If that’s the case, then this isn’t going to work. I can’t take that movie seriously because the chick in that movie pulls up from 3 on a breakaway.” (I’ve actually used a variation of this before. It got me out of the movie, but getting some was out of the question that night. This girl also had to deal with me stopping in the middle of sex to watch replay after replay of McGrady throwing it off the backboard to himself in the middle of the 2002 all star game. I wonder why this relationship didn’t work out?)
Complete Incompetence in Their Jobs: Isiah’s actions have been well documented in my blog. The Manatee does absolutely nothing all day except yell at her delinquent kids and shop on eBay, yet she takes all the credit. Like I mentioned before, this is the part that would keep this from working. I couldn’t deal with her asking me how to run a report from a system she freakin’ designed.
So when I do quit, maybe I could get a sexual harassment case going. I do have that going for me (ummm….maybe I should reevaluate my life if a sexual harassment case is a positive).
What else have I learned about women?
They really like to cook. I’ve heard more debates regarding the best way to cook stuff than I care to know. I’ve heard simple recipes that you can do in 15 minutes. And I continue to enjoy my skillet sensations every night. If you really wanted to impress me, you’d give me a recipe for another liquor I could mix with Henn Rock that would taste as good as an Incredible Hulk
They know how to hate. I thought I could hate. I mean, I’ve said everything about JJ Reddick in the book, but I’ve never wished death on him. These women, they’ve not only wished death on coworkers, but painful deaths at that. I actually want to keep people around that I don’t like for comedy purposes.
They have no taste in movies. I had two of them tell me, being completely honest, that “Troy” was a better movie than “Gladiator.” Umm…I didn’t even need to see Troy to know it sucked. They also failed to see the brilliance in Gladiator. They were apparently not swayed by my argument that it won the Best Picture award that year. They just wanted to see guys with their shirts off. And they say that men are superficial.
Anyway, I think I’m bitching too much. This whole emotional thing might be rubbing off on me. I’ll just go back to my normal method of venting by drinking lots of Jack and passing out instead of blogging anonymously on the internet. Sorry for wasting 5 minutes of your life. I’m realizing now this episode sucks, but I’ll post it because I don’t have any other ideas for the foreseeable future.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Easy MF'ing E
Since I made the mature decision to stop calling Eli Manning, “Elisha” since he got to the Super Bowl, I needed a new name to call him. Thanks to SportsCenter this weekend, my prayers were answered. His family apparently calls him “Easy”. So from now on, in this blog, Eli Manning will now be referred to as “Easy E”.
And in this link, he’s Easy MF’ing E:
http://www.nypost.com/seven/01282008/news/columnists/hunky_elis_a_real_manning_379597.htm
And in this link, he’s Easy MF’ing E:
http://www.nypost.com/seven/01282008/news/columnists/hunky_elis_a_real_manning_379597.htm
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Like Father, Like Son
You probably think I’m going with a Birdman story, but no, this is about Isiah Thomas’s son:http://www.nydailynews.com/news/ny_crime/2008/01/25/2008-01-25_isiah_thomas_19yearold_son_busted_in_ind-1.html
This story has it all: Profanity, vomiting and passing out in the back of a police cruiser, bar fights. I think my favorite part however, is that Isiah’s son goes by the name of DJ Zeke. I’m pretty sure he buys records for $100 each, gives them a few spins, and then doesn’t do anything else with them. Enjoy this article.
This story has it all: Profanity, vomiting and passing out in the back of a police cruiser, bar fights. I think my favorite part however, is that Isiah’s son goes by the name of DJ Zeke. I’m pretty sure he buys records for $100 each, gives them a few spins, and then doesn’t do anything else with them. Enjoy this article.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Dreams
Since Martin Luther King Day was Monday, let me talk about my dream I had last night. (Another well done introduction Barnes, I must say.)
I’ve somehow achieved my boyhood dream of playing in the NBA. I’m on the Detroit Pistons playing alongside Rip Hamilton and Rasheed Wallace (I’m assuming I’ve replaced Chauncey Billups because he’s not on the court with us). It’s the final seconds of the game and I get a kickout and drive to the hoop. I get clobbered but there’s no foul. Fast forward to the next game. I’m back out there in crunchtime and once again I get the ball with the game on the line (the second game was slightly different. Game 1 was in an NBA arena. This one was played in my parent’s living room for some reason. There were hoops, markings, everything like an NBA floor, except it was in my parent’s living room.) I drive again, get fouled even harder than the night before and still no call. I turn and look at the ref and he’s just staring at my mom’s chair. I absolutely lose it. I’m throwing things in the locker room, cursing everyone out. I get up to the press conference and say, “I know this will probably get me fined, but I don’t understand a league where officiating integrity is one of its major problems can continue to have such incompetent people doing this job.” A reporter asks me a question, I reply, “Both teams played hard.” Another asks a different question, same response. After a few more responses exactly the same, the reporters move on to Sheed. During my “Both teams played hard” monologue, Sheed seemed entertained, bobbing his head as if in agreement, but not saying anything. Now it’s Sheed’s turn to talk…and I wake up.
Yes, this was an actual dream I had last night. I don’t think I could make this up, nor do I know how I remember this in such detail. (How bad is it that I have dreams like this? I might need psychological help. I can’t wait to spend my first hour telling Rasheed Wallace backstories so that the psychologist can understand this stories context. Best $100 I’ll ever spend. I can't believe I woke up right before he spoke.). Anyway, the moral of this story is that dreams don’t mean anything. Brock claimed to have a dream Friday night with the final score of the NFC Championship where the Packers prevailed. On Monday, he recanted his story and on Tuesday, he claimed his dream had a different meaning. Friday night he watched a movie staring Heath Ledger and then look what happened. I’m not sure how his dream about football foreshadowed a Hollywood actor’s death, but he claims he has powers. If these powers apply to everyone, the cast of Superbad should be on watch. Because that’s what I watched Tuesday night.
I’ve somehow achieved my boyhood dream of playing in the NBA. I’m on the Detroit Pistons playing alongside Rip Hamilton and Rasheed Wallace (I’m assuming I’ve replaced Chauncey Billups because he’s not on the court with us). It’s the final seconds of the game and I get a kickout and drive to the hoop. I get clobbered but there’s no foul. Fast forward to the next game. I’m back out there in crunchtime and once again I get the ball with the game on the line (the second game was slightly different. Game 1 was in an NBA arena. This one was played in my parent’s living room for some reason. There were hoops, markings, everything like an NBA floor, except it was in my parent’s living room.) I drive again, get fouled even harder than the night before and still no call. I turn and look at the ref and he’s just staring at my mom’s chair. I absolutely lose it. I’m throwing things in the locker room, cursing everyone out. I get up to the press conference and say, “I know this will probably get me fined, but I don’t understand a league where officiating integrity is one of its major problems can continue to have such incompetent people doing this job.” A reporter asks me a question, I reply, “Both teams played hard.” Another asks a different question, same response. After a few more responses exactly the same, the reporters move on to Sheed. During my “Both teams played hard” monologue, Sheed seemed entertained, bobbing his head as if in agreement, but not saying anything. Now it’s Sheed’s turn to talk…and I wake up.
Yes, this was an actual dream I had last night. I don’t think I could make this up, nor do I know how I remember this in such detail. (How bad is it that I have dreams like this? I might need psychological help. I can’t wait to spend my first hour telling Rasheed Wallace backstories so that the psychologist can understand this stories context. Best $100 I’ll ever spend. I can't believe I woke up right before he spoke.). Anyway, the moral of this story is that dreams don’t mean anything. Brock claimed to have a dream Friday night with the final score of the NFC Championship where the Packers prevailed. On Monday, he recanted his story and on Tuesday, he claimed his dream had a different meaning. Friday night he watched a movie staring Heath Ledger and then look what happened. I’m not sure how his dream about football foreshadowed a Hollywood actor’s death, but he claims he has powers. If these powers apply to everyone, the cast of Superbad should be on watch. Because that’s what I watched Tuesday night.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Monday Morning Hangover - Conference Championship
Conference championship week. Let’s get right into it:
Breaking news from my favorite news source, the NY Post. Eli’s on the front cover, about how he’s making his girlfriend sit in the stands. Lost in that story was this nugget: “He’s been spotted at least twice at Tracy Js Watering Hole on 19th Street, and has been seen and heard singing ‘I’m Too Sexy.” I don’t even need to make a joke there. Though if you see me at Tracy Js, you’ll know why.
Berman called the Chargers coach “Norv Turnover” and he wasn’t joking. I enjoy Freudian slips about poor coaching. I’m shocked that only 76% of America thinks the Pats will win according to ESPN. Mismatch doesn’t begin to describe Belichick versus the Norv. Then again, there’s a reason bookies always make money.
I’m dreading Super Bowl week. ESPN is running a piece on Tom Brady actually being on the Brady Bunch. If I don’t avoid tv and the internet, I might commit homicide by the time the Super Bowl actually kicks off if it’s New England-Green Bay. The only thing that might make it entertaining is Phillip Rivers on media day. His douchebaggery will be revealed to the world.
Boomer Esiason just compared Ryan Grant to Icky Woods. Everybody Icky Shuffle. Hopefully, we’ll all dance while Eli sings.
Just getting this down on the internet, where nothing is ever deleted. Brock sent me a text saying he had a dream that Green Bay wins 44-31. 75 points in 0 degree weather? Ok Brock.
Watching Gladiator before the game wasn’t a good idea. I’m now so hyped up I might break my keyboard typing. And that’s after drinking Bloody Mary’s since 11:30.
We have the first coaching mistake of the day by The Norv. Let’s have our team not warm up going into the wind. That’s a sound coaching decision if I’ve ever seen one. It’s not like you’ll be spending half the game going in that direction.
And we had our first Peyton commercial. I’m glad he’s giving me advice on how to deal with the football season ending. I feel he’s an expert in that category.
C’mon Phil say it. One of Quentin Jammer’s strength is jamming the receiver. Don’t dance around it. You know you want to say it. “Rerouting the receiver” may be alliterative, but it’s not good enough.
And right after I write that, Quentin intercepts one. After last week’s comment about Rodney Harrison before his pick, I might just stop writing about secondary personnel.
Few things in life can get me more excited than the words, “And there’s a reverse to Moss.” And he doesn’t disappoint. Not quite Randy at Marshall exciting, but it got me going none the less.
Kool motherfuckin’ Aid takes it in from the 1. That’s “Mahoney” for all you bandwagon Boston fans.
That was absolutely the greatest play I’ve ever seen on special teams by Kelly Washington. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone stand on the endzone and then volleyball it back into play.
Wait, Phillip Rivers threw one up for grabs that got intercepted? Am I supposed to be surprised by this? Way to go Chris Chambers, let a guy 6 inches smaller and 50 pounder lighter get that jump ball from you.
Jabbar Gaffney takes one in for New England. We’re a San Diego 3 and out and Brady 2 minute drill from me taking a nap. Because Whale’s Vagina isn’t coming back from 14+.
It wasn’t 3 and out, but Marmalard just threw another interception. Are you regretting not having Rivers throw into the wind Norv?
And Nick Kaeding gets the award for biggest over reaction of the day so far. It’s just a 40 yard field goal. Are you just happy you’re not shanking playoff field goals?
Wow, Brady has thrown 62 touchdowns in the red zone without a red zone interception. The last one was by Bailey in the playoffs two years ago. The one he just threw was a big one and Cromartie came up big again.
Phillip Rivers overreacting after talking with Richard Seymour? We’ve had our first douche alert of the afternoon.
Phil Mickelson paints his face for Charger games? Jim Nantz just dropped that in. I’m demanding picture evidence. Preferably one with Phil with a shirt on.
If I was a black actor and wasn’t asked to be in “Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins”, I think I would be offended. That thing has everyone. At least as far as I can tell from the trailer.
Kool Motherfuckin’ Aid. You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him. If it wasn’t a cliché', I’d say he would run through a wall to win this game. For those of you who wonder why I call Maroney Kool Aid, that’s his nickname. In fact, he has the Kool Aid man on his chain. With red diamonds. I have no idea how he got the nickname, but I’m not going to complain.
3 minutes to go, Patriots at the 30 up by 9. This game is all but over, except the line is at 15. I know there are a lot of people hoping Brady keeps throwing it. I’m personally hoping for Logan Mankins doing the lights out dance after this is over. And an interview with Kool Aid.
Now when I hear 50 Cent’s “Technology”, I’ll think strip club anthem and the Lamar Hunt trophy presentation. Thank you CBS.
Fuck you Jim Nantz. You didn’t appreciate the comedy of Kool Aid. Why only one question? Was it that his first response wasn’t grammatically correct? That’s even more of a reason to ask another one. I hope ESPN has the entire Masters and not just the USA Network Thursday and Friday coverage.
Alright, I’m rooting for the Giants tonight. Just for two weeks of Eli interviews. He might be the only one who’s more awkward on nationally televised interviews than I would be. Plus, it gives another two weeks for someone to post Eli singing “I’m Too Sexy” on youtube.
I can’t look at Jimmy Johnson without laughing. His hair is not liking this weather. Howie counters it by wearing a hat that I thought went out of production once the Soviet Union collapsed. Fox’s decision to have their studio crew actually be outside is paying off. I’m very entertained.
“Frank Caliendo and our entire panel of experts will pick today’s game.” I’m glad a guy who has Mad TV as the top line of his resume is now giving the title, football expert. If I get on Mad TV, can I be a sobriety expert?
Uh oh. The Redskins were ready to hire Jim Mora Jr. as their head coach until he pulled his name out. And now there’s a “mystery candidate” who’ll have an interview this week. Let’s just say that I’m not confident in Mr. Snyder’s ability to pick a coach.
Ummm…Plaxico Burress can’t feel his hands? I think this would have been relevant information before the game if I was betting on it. NOT IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE FIRST PLAY OF THE GAME. Luckily, I’m not because I wouldn’t touch this game with a 39 and a half foot pole. A game starting at -23 degrees has more luck involved than anything. And you know how me and luck are.
I’m pissed that there’s no more Ed Hochuli this year. They have apparently named the Super Bowl ref and it’s not Ed. I feel that the NFL should announce that this is Ed’s last game of the season so I can prepare myself for 8 months without the guns.
Is anyone else enjoying these 30 yard punts that do absolutely nothing with regards to field position? I’m hoping both teams say “fuck it” in the second half and go for it on every fourth down regardless of field position, like we used to do on the playground. I’m sure Brett Favre would be down with that.
And Donald Driver just changed the complexion of this game. Terrible pursuit angles by the Giants secondary.
They just showed downtown Green Bay. Apparently you just need a general store in your town to have an NFL team. I was doing the math, and my hometown has a bigger population on a summer weekend than Green Bay does. And we can’t even have a high school basketball team that can win more than 2 conference games a year. Oh yeah, we won when I was there, but I’m so pissed at them now, I won’t even give them the satisfaction of name checking their team, lest they have googling skills. They’re not worthy of being on The Barney Show.
Plex is abusing Al Harris out there. I guess Al is held back by his tattoos. They showed him shirtless on the pregame and I think his entire body is tatted up.
Ok, this is getting creepy. Immediately after I write that, Al Harris intercepts one. Except it got taken back by an illegal hands call. That’s it, no more talking about defensive backs.
Can I say that I enjoy Brandon Jacobs’ endzone celebrations? Last week it was the throwing the ball at the play clock for no reason what so ever, and now the fake Lambeau leap. Though, Randy Moss did set the bar pretty high for Lambeau playoff celebrations. Unless Joe Buck is calling your celebration classless, you haven’t tried hard enough.
And there’s three girls in Green Bay bikini tops. Thank God for drunk college girls. What would I do without them?
Plaxico is being Jordanesque? He’s taunting the Green Bay sidelines saying, “He can’t cover me.” That’s like MJ in his prime.
Politics and football? What? Why would I want politics with my Super Bowl? I know Super Tuesday is two days after it, but I’m going to be trying to avoid that crap as much as possible. You’ll get a very angry final MMH if this is true.
I just went out to my car to get the extra beer I keep in the trunk and was bracing for Arctic conditions. Instead, I got 30 degrees and no wind. I think I’ve been watching too much football today.
Wow. Green Bay did the Troy Brown memorial “Throw and interception, get a fumble and pick up a first down” play. And for the record, that’s the second time that’s happened to a Tom Coughlin team in the playoffs. The Jags did it against the 98 Jets as well. We’ll be back with more completely useless information soon.
The Packers tie it up. If Green Bay ends up winning this game, we’ll have to deal with two weeks of Berman and Peter King saying it was destiny that they got here. That interception/fumble seals it. A reckless Favre throw that ended up working out. I might as well start preparing for two weeks without tv or internet.
I’m not excited that football is ending, but I will be glad that I don’t have to deal with these “The Great American Lager” commercials. It’s fucking Budweiser. It’s what I drink when I don’t care. It’s my mass quantity intake beer. If I care about quality, it’s anything but Budweiser. Let’s not kid ourselves.
You know its cold when pieces of helmets are falling off. If I were Joe Buck, I would take this is a Lloyd Christmas rant, ending in, “Players helmets are falling apart!” But if I was Joe Buck, I would have rode the bullet train awhile ago and wouldn’t be broadcasting this game. So it’s a wash really.
The Green Bay crowd is 80% in green, 20% in bright orange hunting gear. No comment, just wanted to note that.
I just realized that Plexico looks like 4th grade Barney playing roller hockey. The hoodie underneath the jersey, but sticking out the back. The Earl Campbell mouthpiece. I knew I’ve seen that look somewhere. If he has sweatpants with writing on the side underneath his uniform, he’d be a dead ringer for me. Except for the skin color and sport.
7 minutes to go. Up 3. 1st and 10. Time to run some time off the clock right? Of course not. Brett chucks it 3 times down the field and its 3 and out.
The Packers’ punter is John Ryan? The John Ryan? Does he double as a CIA agent in Tom Clancy novels during the off season? (That’s what you get from the Barney Show. A post yesterday on mid 90s hip hop and the next day, making Tom Clancy references.
A note to Tom Coughlin: Please do not let RW McQuarters touch the ball the rest of this game. Just a suggestion. Between Al Harris and RW (had dreads up until March), I think we’ve learned that dreadlocks do not go well in negative three degree weather.
Another suggestion to Coughlin: Don’t chew out your kicker for missing kicks in negative temperatures. We’re going to overtime. I’m glad I have off tomorrow and don’t have to worry about getting my hungover ass out of bed tomorrow. We’re now watching the last overtime since Hasselbeck’s debacle. Was anyone else hoping Green Bay paid tribute to that? No, just me? Ok. Good to know.
The Giants get an interception and then run the Herm Edwards Overtime Playoff offense by going as conservative as possible.
Holy fucking shit, Tynes hit it. Eli Manning quarterbacked a team to the Super Bowl. And he looked competent doing it. It wasn’t a Trent Dilfer one. And for some reason the Green Bay is playing John Mellencamp’s “Small Town.” How about that? I listened to that song this afternoon while watching Larry Bird’s segment on NBA Superstars 1. Eli Manning looking for someone to hug and all he can find is the punter. That was classic. I’m not even trying to put thoughts together in paragraph form or anything like that. The Ewing Theory might need to be renamed the Tiki Theory. TWO WEEKS OF ELI INTERVIEWS. TWO WEEKS OF NY POST EXCLUSIVES. How does Peyton feel? Good Lord, how many interviews will him and Archie do in Phoenix? Please keep it at one a day (that’s completely over optimistic isn’t it?). On that note, I’m going to bed.
Breaking news from my favorite news source, the NY Post. Eli’s on the front cover, about how he’s making his girlfriend sit in the stands. Lost in that story was this nugget: “He’s been spotted at least twice at Tracy Js Watering Hole on 19th Street, and has been seen and heard singing ‘I’m Too Sexy.” I don’t even need to make a joke there. Though if you see me at Tracy Js, you’ll know why.
Berman called the Chargers coach “Norv Turnover” and he wasn’t joking. I enjoy Freudian slips about poor coaching. I’m shocked that only 76% of America thinks the Pats will win according to ESPN. Mismatch doesn’t begin to describe Belichick versus the Norv. Then again, there’s a reason bookies always make money.
I’m dreading Super Bowl week. ESPN is running a piece on Tom Brady actually being on the Brady Bunch. If I don’t avoid tv and the internet, I might commit homicide by the time the Super Bowl actually kicks off if it’s New England-Green Bay. The only thing that might make it entertaining is Phillip Rivers on media day. His douchebaggery will be revealed to the world.
Boomer Esiason just compared Ryan Grant to Icky Woods. Everybody Icky Shuffle. Hopefully, we’ll all dance while Eli sings.
Just getting this down on the internet, where nothing is ever deleted. Brock sent me a text saying he had a dream that Green Bay wins 44-31. 75 points in 0 degree weather? Ok Brock.
Watching Gladiator before the game wasn’t a good idea. I’m now so hyped up I might break my keyboard typing. And that’s after drinking Bloody Mary’s since 11:30.
We have the first coaching mistake of the day by The Norv. Let’s have our team not warm up going into the wind. That’s a sound coaching decision if I’ve ever seen one. It’s not like you’ll be spending half the game going in that direction.
And we had our first Peyton commercial. I’m glad he’s giving me advice on how to deal with the football season ending. I feel he’s an expert in that category.
C’mon Phil say it. One of Quentin Jammer’s strength is jamming the receiver. Don’t dance around it. You know you want to say it. “Rerouting the receiver” may be alliterative, but it’s not good enough.
And right after I write that, Quentin intercepts one. After last week’s comment about Rodney Harrison before his pick, I might just stop writing about secondary personnel.
Few things in life can get me more excited than the words, “And there’s a reverse to Moss.” And he doesn’t disappoint. Not quite Randy at Marshall exciting, but it got me going none the less.
Kool motherfuckin’ Aid takes it in from the 1. That’s “Mahoney” for all you bandwagon Boston fans.
That was absolutely the greatest play I’ve ever seen on special teams by Kelly Washington. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone stand on the endzone and then volleyball it back into play.
Wait, Phillip Rivers threw one up for grabs that got intercepted? Am I supposed to be surprised by this? Way to go Chris Chambers, let a guy 6 inches smaller and 50 pounder lighter get that jump ball from you.
Jabbar Gaffney takes one in for New England. We’re a San Diego 3 and out and Brady 2 minute drill from me taking a nap. Because Whale’s Vagina isn’t coming back from 14+.
It wasn’t 3 and out, but Marmalard just threw another interception. Are you regretting not having Rivers throw into the wind Norv?
And Nick Kaeding gets the award for biggest over reaction of the day so far. It’s just a 40 yard field goal. Are you just happy you’re not shanking playoff field goals?
Wow, Brady has thrown 62 touchdowns in the red zone without a red zone interception. The last one was by Bailey in the playoffs two years ago. The one he just threw was a big one and Cromartie came up big again.
Phillip Rivers overreacting after talking with Richard Seymour? We’ve had our first douche alert of the afternoon.
Phil Mickelson paints his face for Charger games? Jim Nantz just dropped that in. I’m demanding picture evidence. Preferably one with Phil with a shirt on.
If I was a black actor and wasn’t asked to be in “Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins”, I think I would be offended. That thing has everyone. At least as far as I can tell from the trailer.
Kool Motherfuckin’ Aid. You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him. If it wasn’t a cliché', I’d say he would run through a wall to win this game. For those of you who wonder why I call Maroney Kool Aid, that’s his nickname. In fact, he has the Kool Aid man on his chain. With red diamonds. I have no idea how he got the nickname, but I’m not going to complain.
3 minutes to go, Patriots at the 30 up by 9. This game is all but over, except the line is at 15. I know there are a lot of people hoping Brady keeps throwing it. I’m personally hoping for Logan Mankins doing the lights out dance after this is over. And an interview with Kool Aid.
Now when I hear 50 Cent’s “Technology”, I’ll think strip club anthem and the Lamar Hunt trophy presentation. Thank you CBS.
Fuck you Jim Nantz. You didn’t appreciate the comedy of Kool Aid. Why only one question? Was it that his first response wasn’t grammatically correct? That’s even more of a reason to ask another one. I hope ESPN has the entire Masters and not just the USA Network Thursday and Friday coverage.
Alright, I’m rooting for the Giants tonight. Just for two weeks of Eli interviews. He might be the only one who’s more awkward on nationally televised interviews than I would be. Plus, it gives another two weeks for someone to post Eli singing “I’m Too Sexy” on youtube.
I can’t look at Jimmy Johnson without laughing. His hair is not liking this weather. Howie counters it by wearing a hat that I thought went out of production once the Soviet Union collapsed. Fox’s decision to have their studio crew actually be outside is paying off. I’m very entertained.
“Frank Caliendo and our entire panel of experts will pick today’s game.” I’m glad a guy who has Mad TV as the top line of his resume is now giving the title, football expert. If I get on Mad TV, can I be a sobriety expert?
Uh oh. The Redskins were ready to hire Jim Mora Jr. as their head coach until he pulled his name out. And now there’s a “mystery candidate” who’ll have an interview this week. Let’s just say that I’m not confident in Mr. Snyder’s ability to pick a coach.
Ummm…Plaxico Burress can’t feel his hands? I think this would have been relevant information before the game if I was betting on it. NOT IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE FIRST PLAY OF THE GAME. Luckily, I’m not because I wouldn’t touch this game with a 39 and a half foot pole. A game starting at -23 degrees has more luck involved than anything. And you know how me and luck are.
I’m pissed that there’s no more Ed Hochuli this year. They have apparently named the Super Bowl ref and it’s not Ed. I feel that the NFL should announce that this is Ed’s last game of the season so I can prepare myself for 8 months without the guns.
Is anyone else enjoying these 30 yard punts that do absolutely nothing with regards to field position? I’m hoping both teams say “fuck it” in the second half and go for it on every fourth down regardless of field position, like we used to do on the playground. I’m sure Brett Favre would be down with that.
And Donald Driver just changed the complexion of this game. Terrible pursuit angles by the Giants secondary.
They just showed downtown Green Bay. Apparently you just need a general store in your town to have an NFL team. I was doing the math, and my hometown has a bigger population on a summer weekend than Green Bay does. And we can’t even have a high school basketball team that can win more than 2 conference games a year. Oh yeah, we won when I was there, but I’m so pissed at them now, I won’t even give them the satisfaction of name checking their team, lest they have googling skills. They’re not worthy of being on The Barney Show.
Plex is abusing Al Harris out there. I guess Al is held back by his tattoos. They showed him shirtless on the pregame and I think his entire body is tatted up.
Ok, this is getting creepy. Immediately after I write that, Al Harris intercepts one. Except it got taken back by an illegal hands call. That’s it, no more talking about defensive backs.
Can I say that I enjoy Brandon Jacobs’ endzone celebrations? Last week it was the throwing the ball at the play clock for no reason what so ever, and now the fake Lambeau leap. Though, Randy Moss did set the bar pretty high for Lambeau playoff celebrations. Unless Joe Buck is calling your celebration classless, you haven’t tried hard enough.
And there’s three girls in Green Bay bikini tops. Thank God for drunk college girls. What would I do without them?
Plaxico is being Jordanesque? He’s taunting the Green Bay sidelines saying, “He can’t cover me.” That’s like MJ in his prime.
Politics and football? What? Why would I want politics with my Super Bowl? I know Super Tuesday is two days after it, but I’m going to be trying to avoid that crap as much as possible. You’ll get a very angry final MMH if this is true.
I just went out to my car to get the extra beer I keep in the trunk and was bracing for Arctic conditions. Instead, I got 30 degrees and no wind. I think I’ve been watching too much football today.
Wow. Green Bay did the Troy Brown memorial “Throw and interception, get a fumble and pick up a first down” play. And for the record, that’s the second time that’s happened to a Tom Coughlin team in the playoffs. The Jags did it against the 98 Jets as well. We’ll be back with more completely useless information soon.
The Packers tie it up. If Green Bay ends up winning this game, we’ll have to deal with two weeks of Berman and Peter King saying it was destiny that they got here. That interception/fumble seals it. A reckless Favre throw that ended up working out. I might as well start preparing for two weeks without tv or internet.
I’m not excited that football is ending, but I will be glad that I don’t have to deal with these “The Great American Lager” commercials. It’s fucking Budweiser. It’s what I drink when I don’t care. It’s my mass quantity intake beer. If I care about quality, it’s anything but Budweiser. Let’s not kid ourselves.
You know its cold when pieces of helmets are falling off. If I were Joe Buck, I would take this is a Lloyd Christmas rant, ending in, “Players helmets are falling apart!” But if I was Joe Buck, I would have rode the bullet train awhile ago and wouldn’t be broadcasting this game. So it’s a wash really.
The Green Bay crowd is 80% in green, 20% in bright orange hunting gear. No comment, just wanted to note that.
I just realized that Plexico looks like 4th grade Barney playing roller hockey. The hoodie underneath the jersey, but sticking out the back. The Earl Campbell mouthpiece. I knew I’ve seen that look somewhere. If he has sweatpants with writing on the side underneath his uniform, he’d be a dead ringer for me. Except for the skin color and sport.
7 minutes to go. Up 3. 1st and 10. Time to run some time off the clock right? Of course not. Brett chucks it 3 times down the field and its 3 and out.
The Packers’ punter is John Ryan? The John Ryan? Does he double as a CIA agent in Tom Clancy novels during the off season? (That’s what you get from the Barney Show. A post yesterday on mid 90s hip hop and the next day, making Tom Clancy references.
A note to Tom Coughlin: Please do not let RW McQuarters touch the ball the rest of this game. Just a suggestion. Between Al Harris and RW (had dreads up until March), I think we’ve learned that dreadlocks do not go well in negative three degree weather.
Another suggestion to Coughlin: Don’t chew out your kicker for missing kicks in negative temperatures. We’re going to overtime. I’m glad I have off tomorrow and don’t have to worry about getting my hungover ass out of bed tomorrow. We’re now watching the last overtime since Hasselbeck’s debacle. Was anyone else hoping Green Bay paid tribute to that? No, just me? Ok. Good to know.
The Giants get an interception and then run the Herm Edwards Overtime Playoff offense by going as conservative as possible.
Holy fucking shit, Tynes hit it. Eli Manning quarterbacked a team to the Super Bowl. And he looked competent doing it. It wasn’t a Trent Dilfer one. And for some reason the Green Bay is playing John Mellencamp’s “Small Town.” How about that? I listened to that song this afternoon while watching Larry Bird’s segment on NBA Superstars 1. Eli Manning looking for someone to hug and all he can find is the punter. That was classic. I’m not even trying to put thoughts together in paragraph form or anything like that. The Ewing Theory might need to be renamed the Tiki Theory. TWO WEEKS OF ELI INTERVIEWS. TWO WEEKS OF NY POST EXCLUSIVES. How does Peyton feel? Good Lord, how many interviews will him and Archie do in Phoenix? Please keep it at one a day (that’s completely over optimistic isn’t it?). On that note, I’m going to bed.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Shuffle the Shuffler
In the next few weeks, we’ll hopefully be adding some new running features to The Barney Show. The first of these will be 10 Songs. In this, I’ll put my iPod on shuffle and talk about 10 songs. Random thoughts about these songs, how these songs have played a part in my life, etc. And I only have the length of the song to write about it. So those of you expecting 500 words on a random Biggie song, fear not. I can’t put together complete thoughts that quickly. Now understand this is my old iPod that hasn’t been updated since roughly June 2005. So it’s a bit outdated. It’s about 90% hip hop, but the other 10% is good shit. Since I can’t figure out how to keep this segue going, let’s just get it started.
112, “It’s Over Now (remix)” – This song was so hot when it came out. Let it be said that 112 was the only acceptable R&B group on the high school basketball bus. In fact, it was acceptable to dance during practice to this song when it came on the girls gymnastics team’s radio while they were warming up. Every time Wandy turned his back, half the team broke out in dance. In a related story, we were upset in the 1st round of the playoffs despite being conference champs because one of the people dancing was in jail the week before. You might want to say we had discipline and concentration issues.
Note that this remix has Mobb Deep on it, but I prefer the one with Shyne on it.
Snoop, “Aint’ No Fun” – “You’re back now at the jack off hour, this is DJ Eaaaaasy Dick.” Once I hear those words, I can’t help but smile. It doesn’t matter if I had my testicles hooked up to a car battery and was being tortured. This is one of the most fun songs ever put on record, particularly Nate Dogg’s verse. His lyrics are tremendous, but the fact that he’s singing those lyrics make them 10 times funnier. Just google the lyrics to this song and prepare to be entertained.
Jay-Z, “Public Service Announcement” – An under rated song if there ever was one. I defy anyone not to want to run through a wall when this beat drops on this one. I’m normally against all pregame crap in the NBA, but if this song was involved, I would change my opinion. Imagine this: You get the Public Service Announcement sponsored by Just Blaze and the good fellas at Roc-a-Fella records, the fellow Americans part, then this:
Jay: “Allow me to reintroduce myself”
(Lyrics cut out, beat continues) Announcer: “A 6-8 power forward from….”
You could even shoot off fireworks after the reintroduce myself part and I would support it.
And for the record, the only other pregame introduction I’ve ever supported was the old Chicago Bulls intros. I think I could still do them from memory.
(Had to type fast for that one, it was only 2:50)
M.O.P, “Ante Up” – Speaking of songs that get you amped as fucking hell, Ante Up is another example. This is so amping, I think the murder rate in NYC went up everytime this came on Hot 97. Never mind the clubs. I read an album review that said something along the lines of “this is one of those songs that remind me of an MOP song, where everytime it comes on in the clubs, someone is getting stabbed.” And I feel robbed that MOP didn’t put out an album while on Rocafella that consisted of exclusively Just Blaze beats.
Jimi Hendrix, “All Along the Watchtower” – If this blog has any influence in my will, I’m demanding that if I get rich, develop a drug problem (Don’t think this won’t happen. I think sometimes the only thing holding me back from a massive coke habit is funding) and then get a movie made about my life, I’m asking my estate that this song gets played while my drug use gets depicted on camera. If the director’s ok with it, have the beginning of the song, followed by my head rising from a pile of white powder, followed by things spinning when Jimmy says, “There’s so much confusion.”
Wait, did I write that. I forgot. According to the immortal Sidney Dean, I can listen to Jimmy, but can’t hear him. To that, Billy Hoyle counters, “The whole damn band was white except for Jimmy.”
Biggie, “One More Chance” – Not the remix, the original one on Ready to Die. Greatest voicemail message ever: “All you hoes calling you for my daddy, get off his dick. Got that mommy?” I had a girlfriend in high school who said if we had a kid together I could let him or her leave this as my voicemail. I really liked her. I’m about 2-3 months away from where my daughter will be at the perfect age to say this. So if anyone of you call me and I have a new voicemail, you know why. Except my messages wouldn’t be girls saying, “Hi, Daddy,” it’d be more like, “Barney, this is your mom. What the fuck is wrong with you?” and “Barney, change your voicemail because it’s unprofessional. After you do that, call me back because our $6 million a year project is about to crash and I need a 25 year old alcoholic to bail me out of this once again, despite the fact that I get paid $200,000 a year to do my job.”
Jay-Z. “Money, Cash, Hoes” – Another high school basketball bus trip story. I distinctly remember two senior front court players discussing the difference between money and cash and why Jigga needed to have both. I distinctly remember putting together complete sentences along the lines of, “Money can consist of a variety of items: Real estate, bonds, investments, etc. Cash consists of cash and other assets that can be converted to liquid quickly. A savvy buisinessman has both: Long tem investments as well as liquid assets in case the market quickly turns.” I also distinctly remember then thinking, “I’m a 5’9” 135 pound sophomore. I don’t want to get my ass kicked, or continue to be made fun of because I have an overall average above an 80” and letting them continue to argue.
Cam’ron, “Oh Boy” – Killa Cam’s first album on Rocafella was so hot in NYC in 2002, you wouldn’t believe me after his latest crap. Anyway, this was the shit as well as my first time with Juelz Santana. Come Home With Me was a pretty hot album. Another example of someone teaming with Kanye and Just Blaze and them putting out good music.
DMX, “Get At Me Dog” – Speaking of songs that were ridiculously hot in the streets (I swear this is on random. Apparently, my iPod realizes I’m a shitty writer and is providing segues for me), this killed in 98. This moved the game from Puffy’s 80s shit, to a lot harder stuff. Kind of like going from appletinis to straight up shots. This was so hardcore, it couldn’t get played on MTV. You know, back when MTV still played music.
I also have a story for this song. We were in 9th grade computer class and discussing DMX. And the stoner of the class must have over heard and just bursts out, “I love DMX. Protected by viper, stand back.” That was the most we bonded with that guy. I love that I can’t remember things from 3 days ago, yet I remember what some random high school stoner said 10 years ago.
Jadakiss, “We Gonna Make It” – I was really hoping this song came up, because words cannot describe this song in the spring of 2001. Take Cam’s Oh Boy and Get at Me Dog and multiply them and you have the hotness for this song. I remember Funkmaster Flex telling me about how ridiculous the Tunnel got the first time he put this on. I remember “Fuck the Frail Shit” being our official motto in spring track. I remember debating if the next line was even better: “Cause when my coke comes in, they gotta use the scale that they weigh the whales with.” I remember all of NYC being so hyped for this album. I remember Jada being hailed as the possible heir to Biggie’s throne. And then he dropped a semi-brick. And I remember all this talk stopping. But that doesn’t change how much I loved this song in 2001.
BONUS SONG: This song didn’t come up on this trip through the iPod, but it came up the other day while I was on the metro going to work and it made me laugh out loud and had other commuters looking at me:
King Bunt, “The Massacre” – The intro alone is classic: “Yeah, this that new shit, King Bunt, guaranteed fire, I got that crack right there, this for my man Diddy, cause he’s the only one who wanted to hear my shit, but that’s ok, it’s fire anyways, the rest of y’all niggas that hear this, y’all lucky, cause this shit is golden right here. I don’t play games, they tell me to do something, I’ma do it. Let’s go.”
This entire song was done because King Bunt was a freshman and we made him make a Floyd Banks diss song. And he killed it. With The Game’s “This is How We Do” beat, he systematically destroys Floyd Banks over 20 bars. I can’t do justice to how hilarious this was. He ripped Floyd’s lips, ears, voice, arms, shoe tying skills, shooting ability, dancing skills, and his girlfriend’s ethnicity. I’ll just go right to the outro:
“It’s that new King Bunt shit. Diddy you better like this shit, nigga. Cause this shit is crack right here, this shit is fire, this shit is fire. Let’s go. Let’s sip some beer, knawmean, some Henny, let’s get it poppin. Game over, nigga.”
CLASSIC FUCKING SHIT RIGHT THERE. And you wonder why I keep this old ass iPod. Because it might be the only source still remaining that has King Bunt’s “The Massacre” on it. And for that reason alone, I will keep it until the day it either stops working or I die. And if it stops working, I’ll fight people at the Apple store to get it fixed. And if I die, it will be included in my will.
And you know what, at the end of this column, I decided to rename this episode “Suffle the Shuffler.” This is in reference to Bush’s exact comment about the feature he most likes about the iPod, “shuffle the shuffler.” No more 10 songs. That shit is gay. And thus, we have another gimmick episode once Monday Morning Hangover ends.
112, “It’s Over Now (remix)” – This song was so hot when it came out. Let it be said that 112 was the only acceptable R&B group on the high school basketball bus. In fact, it was acceptable to dance during practice to this song when it came on the girls gymnastics team’s radio while they were warming up. Every time Wandy turned his back, half the team broke out in dance. In a related story, we were upset in the 1st round of the playoffs despite being conference champs because one of the people dancing was in jail the week before. You might want to say we had discipline and concentration issues.
Note that this remix has Mobb Deep on it, but I prefer the one with Shyne on it.
Snoop, “Aint’ No Fun” – “You’re back now at the jack off hour, this is DJ Eaaaaasy Dick.” Once I hear those words, I can’t help but smile. It doesn’t matter if I had my testicles hooked up to a car battery and was being tortured. This is one of the most fun songs ever put on record, particularly Nate Dogg’s verse. His lyrics are tremendous, but the fact that he’s singing those lyrics make them 10 times funnier. Just google the lyrics to this song and prepare to be entertained.
Jay-Z, “Public Service Announcement” – An under rated song if there ever was one. I defy anyone not to want to run through a wall when this beat drops on this one. I’m normally against all pregame crap in the NBA, but if this song was involved, I would change my opinion. Imagine this: You get the Public Service Announcement sponsored by Just Blaze and the good fellas at Roc-a-Fella records, the fellow Americans part, then this:
Jay: “Allow me to reintroduce myself”
(Lyrics cut out, beat continues) Announcer: “A 6-8 power forward from….”
You could even shoot off fireworks after the reintroduce myself part and I would support it.
And for the record, the only other pregame introduction I’ve ever supported was the old Chicago Bulls intros. I think I could still do them from memory.
(Had to type fast for that one, it was only 2:50)
M.O.P, “Ante Up” – Speaking of songs that get you amped as fucking hell, Ante Up is another example. This is so amping, I think the murder rate in NYC went up everytime this came on Hot 97. Never mind the clubs. I read an album review that said something along the lines of “this is one of those songs that remind me of an MOP song, where everytime it comes on in the clubs, someone is getting stabbed.” And I feel robbed that MOP didn’t put out an album while on Rocafella that consisted of exclusively Just Blaze beats.
Jimi Hendrix, “All Along the Watchtower” – If this blog has any influence in my will, I’m demanding that if I get rich, develop a drug problem (Don’t think this won’t happen. I think sometimes the only thing holding me back from a massive coke habit is funding) and then get a movie made about my life, I’m asking my estate that this song gets played while my drug use gets depicted on camera. If the director’s ok with it, have the beginning of the song, followed by my head rising from a pile of white powder, followed by things spinning when Jimmy says, “There’s so much confusion.”
Wait, did I write that. I forgot. According to the immortal Sidney Dean, I can listen to Jimmy, but can’t hear him. To that, Billy Hoyle counters, “The whole damn band was white except for Jimmy.”
Biggie, “One More Chance” – Not the remix, the original one on Ready to Die. Greatest voicemail message ever: “All you hoes calling you for my daddy, get off his dick. Got that mommy?” I had a girlfriend in high school who said if we had a kid together I could let him or her leave this as my voicemail. I really liked her. I’m about 2-3 months away from where my daughter will be at the perfect age to say this. So if anyone of you call me and I have a new voicemail, you know why. Except my messages wouldn’t be girls saying, “Hi, Daddy,” it’d be more like, “Barney, this is your mom. What the fuck is wrong with you?” and “Barney, change your voicemail because it’s unprofessional. After you do that, call me back because our $6 million a year project is about to crash and I need a 25 year old alcoholic to bail me out of this once again, despite the fact that I get paid $200,000 a year to do my job.”
Jay-Z. “Money, Cash, Hoes” – Another high school basketball bus trip story. I distinctly remember two senior front court players discussing the difference between money and cash and why Jigga needed to have both. I distinctly remember putting together complete sentences along the lines of, “Money can consist of a variety of items: Real estate, bonds, investments, etc. Cash consists of cash and other assets that can be converted to liquid quickly. A savvy buisinessman has both: Long tem investments as well as liquid assets in case the market quickly turns.” I also distinctly remember then thinking, “I’m a 5’9” 135 pound sophomore. I don’t want to get my ass kicked, or continue to be made fun of because I have an overall average above an 80” and letting them continue to argue.
Cam’ron, “Oh Boy” – Killa Cam’s first album on Rocafella was so hot in NYC in 2002, you wouldn’t believe me after his latest crap. Anyway, this was the shit as well as my first time with Juelz Santana. Come Home With Me was a pretty hot album. Another example of someone teaming with Kanye and Just Blaze and them putting out good music.
DMX, “Get At Me Dog” – Speaking of songs that were ridiculously hot in the streets (I swear this is on random. Apparently, my iPod realizes I’m a shitty writer and is providing segues for me), this killed in 98. This moved the game from Puffy’s 80s shit, to a lot harder stuff. Kind of like going from appletinis to straight up shots. This was so hardcore, it couldn’t get played on MTV. You know, back when MTV still played music.
I also have a story for this song. We were in 9th grade computer class and discussing DMX. And the stoner of the class must have over heard and just bursts out, “I love DMX. Protected by viper, stand back.” That was the most we bonded with that guy. I love that I can’t remember things from 3 days ago, yet I remember what some random high school stoner said 10 years ago.
Jadakiss, “We Gonna Make It” – I was really hoping this song came up, because words cannot describe this song in the spring of 2001. Take Cam’s Oh Boy and Get at Me Dog and multiply them and you have the hotness for this song. I remember Funkmaster Flex telling me about how ridiculous the Tunnel got the first time he put this on. I remember “Fuck the Frail Shit” being our official motto in spring track. I remember debating if the next line was even better: “Cause when my coke comes in, they gotta use the scale that they weigh the whales with.” I remember all of NYC being so hyped for this album. I remember Jada being hailed as the possible heir to Biggie’s throne. And then he dropped a semi-brick. And I remember all this talk stopping. But that doesn’t change how much I loved this song in 2001.
BONUS SONG: This song didn’t come up on this trip through the iPod, but it came up the other day while I was on the metro going to work and it made me laugh out loud and had other commuters looking at me:
King Bunt, “The Massacre” – The intro alone is classic: “Yeah, this that new shit, King Bunt, guaranteed fire, I got that crack right there, this for my man Diddy, cause he’s the only one who wanted to hear my shit, but that’s ok, it’s fire anyways, the rest of y’all niggas that hear this, y’all lucky, cause this shit is golden right here. I don’t play games, they tell me to do something, I’ma do it. Let’s go.”
This entire song was done because King Bunt was a freshman and we made him make a Floyd Banks diss song. And he killed it. With The Game’s “This is How We Do” beat, he systematically destroys Floyd Banks over 20 bars. I can’t do justice to how hilarious this was. He ripped Floyd’s lips, ears, voice, arms, shoe tying skills, shooting ability, dancing skills, and his girlfriend’s ethnicity. I’ll just go right to the outro:
“It’s that new King Bunt shit. Diddy you better like this shit, nigga. Cause this shit is crack right here, this shit is fire, this shit is fire. Let’s go. Let’s sip some beer, knawmean, some Henny, let’s get it poppin. Game over, nigga.”
CLASSIC FUCKING SHIT RIGHT THERE. And you wonder why I keep this old ass iPod. Because it might be the only source still remaining that has King Bunt’s “The Massacre” on it. And for that reason alone, I will keep it until the day it either stops working or I die. And if it stops working, I’ll fight people at the Apple store to get it fixed. And if I die, it will be included in my will.
And you know what, at the end of this column, I decided to rename this episode “Suffle the Shuffler.” This is in reference to Bush’s exact comment about the feature he most likes about the iPod, “shuffle the shuffler.” No more 10 songs. That shit is gay. And thus, we have another gimmick episode once Monday Morning Hangover ends.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Conference Championship Preview
I’m so psyched for this weekend’s games that I’m doing a preview (well, that and I want to appear to be productive at work without actually doing anything). I need to look busy so I don’t have to train the new guy. Here’s how he describes himself:
“Chris is passionate about providing opportunities to at risk populations in urban areas. He is also an excellent chef and can hit golf balls while standing on top of a pilates ball. Please contact him for any racket sports engagements.”
What. The. Fuck? Racket sports? This is The Barney Show. We don’t discuss racket sports unless it involves Maria Sharapova. This guy might be a relative of the Manning family. So you can understand why I don’t want to train him. Anyway, on to what I’m looking forward to this weekend:
Eli throwing in zero degrees. Should be fun. He’s awesome in the cold weather. I set the over/under on number of picks at 2.5.
Randy Moss taking the Patriots self motivation to new levels. This is the first time someone has trotted out the “I’m being extorted by a female so the rest of the world is still against us” card. Well done. Randy actually came out of this looking like the victim. I need his PR man. I loved the “I’ve never hit a woman” line. I guess bumping a female parking attendant with your Lexus doesn’t count.
Laughing at every Peyton Manning commercial this week. The Colts are like the Atlanta Braves of the NFL.
Having an invitation to join a “Patriots fan” at a Pats bar. I use that term loosely because I’m sure it’s a bunch of bandwagon fans. In fact this one called their running back “Mahoney.” I was close to saying, “His name’s not Mahoney you stupid bitch, it’s Kool Aid.” I might go though just to improve the Monday Morning Hangover. See the sacrifices I make for you reader(s).
While all of America will be hating the Patriots, I’m wondering why they don’t hate San Diego as much. Merriman is a cheater who does a stupid dance. Rivers is the most gigantic douchebag in the league. Tomlinson whines, and rides a bike during key moments. Are we sure he isn’t French? I guess you can’t hate a team coached by Norv Turner. You just look at the guy and have to laugh.
And finally, on a note to send you off, this made me laugh out loud at work:
http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/dallas_area_suicide_hotline
“Chris is passionate about providing opportunities to at risk populations in urban areas. He is also an excellent chef and can hit golf balls while standing on top of a pilates ball. Please contact him for any racket sports engagements.”
What. The. Fuck? Racket sports? This is The Barney Show. We don’t discuss racket sports unless it involves Maria Sharapova. This guy might be a relative of the Manning family. So you can understand why I don’t want to train him. Anyway, on to what I’m looking forward to this weekend:
Eli throwing in zero degrees. Should be fun. He’s awesome in the cold weather. I set the over/under on number of picks at 2.5.
Randy Moss taking the Patriots self motivation to new levels. This is the first time someone has trotted out the “I’m being extorted by a female so the rest of the world is still against us” card. Well done. Randy actually came out of this looking like the victim. I need his PR man. I loved the “I’ve never hit a woman” line. I guess bumping a female parking attendant with your Lexus doesn’t count.
Laughing at every Peyton Manning commercial this week. The Colts are like the Atlanta Braves of the NFL.
Having an invitation to join a “Patriots fan” at a Pats bar. I use that term loosely because I’m sure it’s a bunch of bandwagon fans. In fact this one called their running back “Mahoney.” I was close to saying, “His name’s not Mahoney you stupid bitch, it’s Kool Aid.” I might go though just to improve the Monday Morning Hangover. See the sacrifices I make for you reader(s).
While all of America will be hating the Patriots, I’m wondering why they don’t hate San Diego as much. Merriman is a cheater who does a stupid dance. Rivers is the most gigantic douchebag in the league. Tomlinson whines, and rides a bike during key moments. Are we sure he isn’t French? I guess you can’t hate a team coached by Norv Turner. You just look at the guy and have to laugh.
And finally, on a note to send you off, this made me laugh out loud at work:
http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/dallas_area_suicide_hotline
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Pacman Jones Update
Just in case you were wondering what ol' Pacman has been up to, looks like he celebrated the Titans wildcard loss by what else? Going to a strip club. And smacking a woman (allegedly).
http://www.nashvillecitypaper.com/news.php?viewStory=58537
It's at the point where we need to stop using the term "Strip Club" and just call it "Pacman's Place" or something like that. I'll work on a new term this week.
http://www.nashvillecitypaper.com/news.php?viewStory=58537
It's at the point where we need to stop using the term "Strip Club" and just call it "Pacman's Place" or something like that. I'll work on a new term this week.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Straight Cash Homey
Paul Pierce, continuing Randy Moss's philosophy that if you're rich, you only pay by cash.
http://www.nypost.com/seven/01142008/gossip/pagesix/strictly_cash_285871.htm
http://www.nypost.com/seven/01142008/gossip/pagesix/strictly_cash_285871.htm
Monday Morning Hangover - Divisional Playoffs
And we’re back with another exciting week of Monday Morning Hangover (only 2 left after this. Aren’t you devastated?) And we’re starting this with my favorite type of football…snow football. Growing up in the West End, we really didn’t have a thing called grass (well, depends how you define grass. If it’s the plant, then no. If it’s the other type, then fuck yes. As my man Frank said, no one from the West End would ever go all-county unless they started up a bong team.)so we associated snow with the one of the few times a year we could play tackle football. And did we ever. We put our fake Starter jackets on (we couldn’t get actual Starter jackets because our family read in the newspaper that kids were getting mugged for their Starters. They didn’t get the memo that we didn’t live in Brooklyn.), gloves, hats and went and beat the crap out of each other. I’ll say it was good times and not in a sarcastic way. Anyway, after that, let’s just get to notes from this week’s action.
I thought last week’s Seahawks offensive lineman shoes were awful, but that was before I saw their neon green gloves. Those things are uber-gay.
Wait, they’re bumping the Simpsons out of their 8 o’clock slot for the Terminator show? I hope this is just a one week thing. Because if it’s not, I feel a ceremony or something is necessary. Because there’s something reassuring that despite whatever happens, the Simpsons are on at 8 on Sunday.
I slept through the first half of the Packer game, so don’t expect any dramatic insights on that. I just love that they have to display the yard line. And that Ryan Grant has a degree in computer science. What happened to Ahman Green and his degree from Nebraska in geography? That’s how I like my Packer running backs. Though the thought of Ryan explaining Java to Brett Favre does amuse me. Something makes me think ol’ Brett would be lost by the time Ryan got to if statements. (See what you’re going to miss starting in February? Logic jokes in a so called football column. I’d start figuring out what to do with all the free time in your life if I was you.)
I will defend Brett though. He’s apparently the last one in America to not wear Under Armor. I love the white long sleeve t-shirt under the jersey. (Alright, two fashion comments and we’re only 400 words in. I’ll try and limit these going forward.)
Wait, Ghostbusters has been on VH1 for the past hour and a half and I didn’t notice? I’m slipping. We’re cutting over to that until the Pats-Jags game starts.
They just did a David Garrard feature. I’m not sure what I enjoyed more: that he has a white wife or that they played Beanie Siegel during this feature.
I might make fun of him, but that was a pretty impressive drive to start for Mr. Garrard.
KOOOOOOOLLLLLL-AID!!! Laurence Maroney takes it in.
If there was a dark cloud over an apartment building and parts of that building were falling apart, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near that building. Yet, there were people outside the building in Ghostbusters. I guess people are just fucking crazy sometimes. Or they’re just attracted to a TV camera.
“And there’s Moss on the outside with the block.” - Jim Nantz. That looked like Moss and the CB went with the old “You don’t want to tackle, and I don’t want to block, so let’s stand here and look like we’re jostling for position” play. Kool Aid for a big run.
Brady’s fake was ridiculous. The best description of New England’s offense is surgical.
Matt Jones. Who? Matt Jones. Who? Matt Jones. Remember when he was a 1st round draft pick?
“The Jacksonville defense is being gashed.” Let’s not mention time of possession at all CBS. New England has to have it for 2/3 of this game.
Yes, Requiem for a Dream music. I’m sufficiently hyped for the last 10 minutes.
Wait, Rodney Harrison has had 2 personal fouls tonight? You’re kidding me. He’s such a gentleman.
And 2 minutes after I write that Harrison has a game winning interception. What do I know? Nothing apparently.
Did you see that NFL Network commercial about Belichick? That damn near killed me. Wes Welker going to snowboard camp? Hilarious.
New England might have just put on the best offensive performance I’ve ever seen. Brady 26-28 with two drops? Ridiculous. I can’t say anything else about it because I don’t have the writing skills.
Everyone’s on Brady’s nuts today, but note what the New England defense did. Belichick is known for taking away what the other team likes to do. And he did it again. Everyone came in talking about the Jacksonville running game and left talking about Gerrard (most people for his performance. Me for his wife). Notice that Gerrard didn’t beat them. Alright, I’ll stop with actual football analysis since I’ve played exactly zero snaps of actual football in my life.
Did Mort just call Tom Brady a “perfect 10”? Hopefully my brain will forget this ever happened (there’s a good chance it will. Thank you multiple concussions).
I’m watching Countdown and they’re doing sounds of the previous Giants-Cowboys games. I didn’t think Romo singing “High Hopes” could be topped, but then they had Elisha giving a motivational speech. TO going, “Hate me if you want to, but I looove me,” to the Meadowlands was good as well. That was worth sitting through an hour and a half of Countdown.
Alright, Tomlinson can’t be a prick sometimes, but they’re showing the hill he built in his backyard. 25 yards at a 45 degree incline. I can respect that. Though they now have Emmit Smith talking about the hill in a metaphysical sense. This won’t end well.
There’s not enough money in the world Oreo’s could pay me to do a commercial with my brother about racing to lick Oreo’s. I do have some dignity. Looks like the Mannings have less than me.
Rivers throws an interception and Norv wastes a timeout challenging it. I’m not surprised at all at this development.
I’m watching the Colts game and reading the Post at the same time. I’m just reading that there are allegations that Britney was drinking “Purple Drank” before getting hauled off to the psycho ward. I figured that was appropriate while watching the Chargers considering one of their players was arrested for shipping codeine last year. Also, I’m intrigued by the possibility of Britney listening to Mike Jones: “Purple stuff all in my cup…”
Wow. If there was a Pontiac Game Changing award for the NFL, Antonio Cromartie would have won it for this week. Except its coming back cause of a penalty. Either way, that was his third touchdown in three halves against the Colts. At this point, I’d like to mention to my brother that Dr. Z had the incomparable Will Allen as his All NFL CB over Cromartie. Mr. Allen is now with the Dolphins, and nearly drove my brother to homicide during the Giants 2005 season.
Yes, the Punt, Pass and Kick contest results. I’m excited for the results between the 3rd and 4th quarter. Let’s see if Jim Kelly’s nephew can be the first in his family to win a championship.
So I ended up falling asleep for about 20 minutes and woke up and Billy Volek was leading the Chargers to a go ahead score. Did I wake up in the right universe?
I guess I did. Glad to see order restored again by Petyon Manning choking in the playoffs. Let’s play the “Who will he throw under the bus in the press conference” game. Order has definitely been restored since Phillip Rivers got into a shouting match with the crowd while injured. That seems about right. He’s an ass.
How is Troy Aikman announcing this game impartial? We’re 3 minutes into this game and we’ve already had 3 comments that are straight homerism. Troy was pretty silent on Toomer’s touchdown.
Marion Barber is a bad man. Someone needs to give respectability to that last name.
I’ll admit I’m one of the first to rip TO. Nothing can compare to my drunken tirade against him 3 years ago when I called his quarterback Desmond McNabb. But I will give him credit when credit is due: he’s one of the tougher MF’s I’ve seen lace them up. Him coming back from this ankle sprain (which in my experience is no joke), combined with his Super Bowl performance and I can’t question his heart (I feel this is one of the few things in life I can judge people on). So he has that going for him. And he just made two big catches on this drive.
Holy fuckin’ shit, did Eli just engineer a big time drive to tie the score before the half? I might have to stop calling him Elisha.
This isn’t NFL related, but Joakim Noah just got suspended by his teammates. Not the coaching staff, his teammates voted to have him suspended. Worth noting as a footnote the next time I call him a douchebag.
Yesterday I watched on ESPN2 a replay of the 49ers-Packers play off game from 98. That’s the game where TO drops everything insight except for the final one for a game winning touchdown with 3 seconds left. I say that because Patrick Crayton seems to want to recreate that game with his drops.
I won’t mention why Tony Romo is playing like shit and clearly looking frustrated, because we’re going to be inundated with the reason in the next week or so if the Cowboys do lose, but I’m just saying that Romo looks like shit right now. It’s bad if Elisha is the best QB out there. Though his receivers are dropping a bunch in Romo’s defense.
I think I’ve seen this Subway commercial with the guy photocopying his butt enough. It might have been funny yesterday afternoon, but by Sunday night, I might be boycotting Subway from now on.
I’m glad Tom Petty is wearing the uniforms from the Dallas team in “Any Given Sunday” on the Super Bowl halftime commercials. I have to be one of the few who got that football connection.
Can I say that the Cowboys clock management was Edwardsesque? That was an awful 2 minute drill to lose that game. Are the Giants really one of the 4 best teams in the league? Eli’s in a conference championship? I don’t know how to deal with this one. I’m dreading the number of Jessica Simpson references in the next week. It’s going to be rough. On that note, I’m going to go pass out and deal with a job I hate tomorrow.
I thought last week’s Seahawks offensive lineman shoes were awful, but that was before I saw their neon green gloves. Those things are uber-gay.
Wait, they’re bumping the Simpsons out of their 8 o’clock slot for the Terminator show? I hope this is just a one week thing. Because if it’s not, I feel a ceremony or something is necessary. Because there’s something reassuring that despite whatever happens, the Simpsons are on at 8 on Sunday.
I slept through the first half of the Packer game, so don’t expect any dramatic insights on that. I just love that they have to display the yard line. And that Ryan Grant has a degree in computer science. What happened to Ahman Green and his degree from Nebraska in geography? That’s how I like my Packer running backs. Though the thought of Ryan explaining Java to Brett Favre does amuse me. Something makes me think ol’ Brett would be lost by the time Ryan got to if statements. (See what you’re going to miss starting in February? Logic jokes in a so called football column. I’d start figuring out what to do with all the free time in your life if I was you.)
I will defend Brett though. He’s apparently the last one in America to not wear Under Armor. I love the white long sleeve t-shirt under the jersey. (Alright, two fashion comments and we’re only 400 words in. I’ll try and limit these going forward.)
Wait, Ghostbusters has been on VH1 for the past hour and a half and I didn’t notice? I’m slipping. We’re cutting over to that until the Pats-Jags game starts.
They just did a David Garrard feature. I’m not sure what I enjoyed more: that he has a white wife or that they played Beanie Siegel during this feature.
I might make fun of him, but that was a pretty impressive drive to start for Mr. Garrard.
KOOOOOOOLLLLLL-AID!!! Laurence Maroney takes it in.
If there was a dark cloud over an apartment building and parts of that building were falling apart, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near that building. Yet, there were people outside the building in Ghostbusters. I guess people are just fucking crazy sometimes. Or they’re just attracted to a TV camera.
“And there’s Moss on the outside with the block.” - Jim Nantz. That looked like Moss and the CB went with the old “You don’t want to tackle, and I don’t want to block, so let’s stand here and look like we’re jostling for position” play. Kool Aid for a big run.
Brady’s fake was ridiculous. The best description of New England’s offense is surgical.
Matt Jones. Who? Matt Jones. Who? Matt Jones. Remember when he was a 1st round draft pick?
“The Jacksonville defense is being gashed.” Let’s not mention time of possession at all CBS. New England has to have it for 2/3 of this game.
Yes, Requiem for a Dream music. I’m sufficiently hyped for the last 10 minutes.
Wait, Rodney Harrison has had 2 personal fouls tonight? You’re kidding me. He’s such a gentleman.
And 2 minutes after I write that Harrison has a game winning interception. What do I know? Nothing apparently.
Did you see that NFL Network commercial about Belichick? That damn near killed me. Wes Welker going to snowboard camp? Hilarious.
New England might have just put on the best offensive performance I’ve ever seen. Brady 26-28 with two drops? Ridiculous. I can’t say anything else about it because I don’t have the writing skills.
Everyone’s on Brady’s nuts today, but note what the New England defense did. Belichick is known for taking away what the other team likes to do. And he did it again. Everyone came in talking about the Jacksonville running game and left talking about Gerrard (most people for his performance. Me for his wife). Notice that Gerrard didn’t beat them. Alright, I’ll stop with actual football analysis since I’ve played exactly zero snaps of actual football in my life.
Did Mort just call Tom Brady a “perfect 10”? Hopefully my brain will forget this ever happened (there’s a good chance it will. Thank you multiple concussions).
I’m watching Countdown and they’re doing sounds of the previous Giants-Cowboys games. I didn’t think Romo singing “High Hopes” could be topped, but then they had Elisha giving a motivational speech. TO going, “Hate me if you want to, but I looove me,” to the Meadowlands was good as well. That was worth sitting through an hour and a half of Countdown.
Alright, Tomlinson can’t be a prick sometimes, but they’re showing the hill he built in his backyard. 25 yards at a 45 degree incline. I can respect that. Though they now have Emmit Smith talking about the hill in a metaphysical sense. This won’t end well.
There’s not enough money in the world Oreo’s could pay me to do a commercial with my brother about racing to lick Oreo’s. I do have some dignity. Looks like the Mannings have less than me.
Rivers throws an interception and Norv wastes a timeout challenging it. I’m not surprised at all at this development.
I’m watching the Colts game and reading the Post at the same time. I’m just reading that there are allegations that Britney was drinking “Purple Drank” before getting hauled off to the psycho ward. I figured that was appropriate while watching the Chargers considering one of their players was arrested for shipping codeine last year. Also, I’m intrigued by the possibility of Britney listening to Mike Jones: “Purple stuff all in my cup…”
Wow. If there was a Pontiac Game Changing award for the NFL, Antonio Cromartie would have won it for this week. Except its coming back cause of a penalty. Either way, that was his third touchdown in three halves against the Colts. At this point, I’d like to mention to my brother that Dr. Z had the incomparable Will Allen as his All NFL CB over Cromartie. Mr. Allen is now with the Dolphins, and nearly drove my brother to homicide during the Giants 2005 season.
Yes, the Punt, Pass and Kick contest results. I’m excited for the results between the 3rd and 4th quarter. Let’s see if Jim Kelly’s nephew can be the first in his family to win a championship.
So I ended up falling asleep for about 20 minutes and woke up and Billy Volek was leading the Chargers to a go ahead score. Did I wake up in the right universe?
I guess I did. Glad to see order restored again by Petyon Manning choking in the playoffs. Let’s play the “Who will he throw under the bus in the press conference” game. Order has definitely been restored since Phillip Rivers got into a shouting match with the crowd while injured. That seems about right. He’s an ass.
How is Troy Aikman announcing this game impartial? We’re 3 minutes into this game and we’ve already had 3 comments that are straight homerism. Troy was pretty silent on Toomer’s touchdown.
Marion Barber is a bad man. Someone needs to give respectability to that last name.
I’ll admit I’m one of the first to rip TO. Nothing can compare to my drunken tirade against him 3 years ago when I called his quarterback Desmond McNabb. But I will give him credit when credit is due: he’s one of the tougher MF’s I’ve seen lace them up. Him coming back from this ankle sprain (which in my experience is no joke), combined with his Super Bowl performance and I can’t question his heart (I feel this is one of the few things in life I can judge people on). So he has that going for him. And he just made two big catches on this drive.
Holy fuckin’ shit, did Eli just engineer a big time drive to tie the score before the half? I might have to stop calling him Elisha.
This isn’t NFL related, but Joakim Noah just got suspended by his teammates. Not the coaching staff, his teammates voted to have him suspended. Worth noting as a footnote the next time I call him a douchebag.
Yesterday I watched on ESPN2 a replay of the 49ers-Packers play off game from 98. That’s the game where TO drops everything insight except for the final one for a game winning touchdown with 3 seconds left. I say that because Patrick Crayton seems to want to recreate that game with his drops.
I won’t mention why Tony Romo is playing like shit and clearly looking frustrated, because we’re going to be inundated with the reason in the next week or so if the Cowboys do lose, but I’m just saying that Romo looks like shit right now. It’s bad if Elisha is the best QB out there. Though his receivers are dropping a bunch in Romo’s defense.
I think I’ve seen this Subway commercial with the guy photocopying his butt enough. It might have been funny yesterday afternoon, but by Sunday night, I might be boycotting Subway from now on.
I’m glad Tom Petty is wearing the uniforms from the Dallas team in “Any Given Sunday” on the Super Bowl halftime commercials. I have to be one of the few who got that football connection.
Can I say that the Cowboys clock management was Edwardsesque? That was an awful 2 minute drill to lose that game. Are the Giants really one of the 4 best teams in the league? Eli’s in a conference championship? I don’t know how to deal with this one. I’m dreading the number of Jessica Simpson references in the next week. It’s going to be rough. On that note, I’m going to go pass out and deal with a job I hate tomorrow.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
C'mon Character Issues
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/football/ncaa/01/10/mcfadden.fight.ap/index.html
Tankapalooza 2007 might still be on. Hopefully my boy will drop a few spots (to 6) because of the always fun "character issues."
Unfortunately, since it's January I don't think McFadden was in a fight while wearing flip flops.
Tankapalooza 2007 might still be on. Hopefully my boy will drop a few spots (to 6) because of the always fun "character issues."
Unfortunately, since it's January I don't think McFadden was in a fight while wearing flip flops.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Support Jason Kidd's Mustache
Since our Free Ookie campaign has stalled, we here at the Barney Show are throwing our support behind the “Support Jason Kidd’s Mustache” Campaign, sponsored by the American Mustache Institute.
http://americanmustacheinstitute.org/cs/blogs/ami_administration/archive/2008/01/05/espn-attacks-jason-kidd-s-new-mustache.aspx
Every year at work we talk about growing mustaches during our busy period in September as a show of solidarity. Every year we chicken out. So we salute you, Jason Kidd, for having the guts to go with the 'stache. It only makes our wife beating jokes easier. (The best part about that link was that the American Mustache Institute calls out Vince Carter for being soft.)
http://americanmustacheinstitute.org/cs/blogs/ami_administration/archive/2008/01/05/espn-attacks-jason-kidd-s-new-mustache.aspx
Every year at work we talk about growing mustaches during our busy period in September as a show of solidarity. Every year we chicken out. So we salute you, Jason Kidd, for having the guts to go with the 'stache. It only makes our wife beating jokes easier. (The best part about that link was that the American Mustache Institute calls out Vince Carter for being soft.)
Monday Morning Hangover - Wildcard Round
Alright, only 11 games left in the year. Time to focus and give my all for these last few episodes. We’re just doing straight notes starting on Saturday morning.
Tom Brady has the 35+ women group on lock. First, there was Andrea Kramer openly flirting with him on Sunday Night Football. Then on Sportscenter this morning, Chris Berman filmed a segment with Brady. They cut to Linda Cohn, who goes, “We’re all jealous,” not as a joke. It sounded like she was genuinely pissed off.
Start betting heavily against the Cowboys. If you didn’t know by the time this gets posted, Tony Romo spent the bye week in Mexico with Jessica Simpson. TO cannot be happy now. (TO making Jessica Simpson jokes earlier in the year was one of my favorite moments so far this season. (Is Barney actually writing this week, or has the three days of sobriety changed him? Positive TO references were not expected.))
If anyone wants to know why American voters are uninformed, it’s because ABC does something stupid like schedule a debate against the Steelers-Jags game. Not that anyone outside of New Hampshire will be watching anyway, but at least make me feel guilty that I’m not paying attention to who will be our next president. I feel nothing if you put it up against the NFL playoffs. Because missing those would be un-American.
Since the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets are out, I’m hopping on the local Redskin bandwagon. I feel at this point, that wagon will go careening off a divider on the Beltway and burst into flames since I joined it.
Ummm…Jaime freakin’ Moyer is chosen to raise the 12th man flag for Seattle? Was David Segui busy this weekend?
Alright, who’s less deserving of having a commercial in the playoffs? Brady Quinn for Myoplex or Mangini for Sprint? Tough one. I’d say Mangini because he just went 4-12. He doesn’t deserve a commercial for awhile.
Another rhetorical question. Do you think the Seahawks players voluntarily selected their turf shoes? Those things the lineman are all wearing are hideous.
Collinsworth just said that Fred Smoot has played the most inspired football since Sean Taylor’s murder. And I thought Fred was just inspired by strippers and boats.
I’m enjoying NBC’s decision to play only music from the early 90s or Jimi Hendrix. Nothing says playoff football like Blind Melon.
After going sober for the first half, I started ingesting bourbon to make the game more interesting (ending a 95 hour streak without a drink). Since the Skins started scoring after this, I felt that my drinking was fueling their comeback. That led to getting drunk very quickly, and anger after two pick 6s, and knowing that I won’t be up for the entire Jacksonville-Pittsburgh game.
It sucks that the Skins lost, but it’s partially worth it from a comedic perspective to see Hassellbeck go back to Green Bay and Paul Allen giving high fives to his fellow millionaires.
Plus, we got to know that Seattle fans are the biggest douches in the league. One of their columnists accused Washington of exploiting Sean Taylor’s death and when Santana Moss tried to honor Taylor after his touchdown (throwing up a sign that doubled as the shocker which was hilarious), Seattle fans flipped him off. Stay classy, Seattle.
Wait, I just tuned into the Pitt Jacksonville game. Did Al Michaels just say “…Dough Boys”? Him and Madden seemed completely confused. I say Dough Boys because I think NBC’s sensors would catch Dope Boys. I love that 3 Six Mafia and Young Jeezy are factors in this years playoffs.
I love how the headset makes an imprint on Mike Tomlin’s fro. That’s great.
I missed the first half of the Tampa-Giants game because I had to go into work. But apparently Eli Manning was a competent quarterback. Then he started throwing passes at receiver’s feet and I thought, “Elisha’s back.”
I forget what Aikman was saying, but there was a point where I just shouted at my tv, “What the fuck are you talking about Troy?” Then I realized it was probably just the concussions talking.
I’m rooting for the Chargers to lose because they’re a bunch of whiners. Between Merriman’s cheating, Tomlinson’s calling out people for imitating a dance and Rivers generally douchery, I’m hoping they lose and fire Norv Turner at midfield.
Well, Tennessee’s offensive ineptitude kept them from beating Whale’s Vagina. Though I did enjoy the whole “Norv Turner won a playoff game so that justifies firing Shottenheimer” thing. Ummm…you’re still in the same round you were last year, except now you’re on the road.
And despite my claim at the beginning of this episode to buckle down and give you a good episode, it sucks and I didn’t finish it until Wednesday. I apologize (not really).
Tom Brady has the 35+ women group on lock. First, there was Andrea Kramer openly flirting with him on Sunday Night Football. Then on Sportscenter this morning, Chris Berman filmed a segment with Brady. They cut to Linda Cohn, who goes, “We’re all jealous,” not as a joke. It sounded like she was genuinely pissed off.
Start betting heavily against the Cowboys. If you didn’t know by the time this gets posted, Tony Romo spent the bye week in Mexico with Jessica Simpson. TO cannot be happy now. (TO making Jessica Simpson jokes earlier in the year was one of my favorite moments so far this season. (Is Barney actually writing this week, or has the three days of sobriety changed him? Positive TO references were not expected.))
If anyone wants to know why American voters are uninformed, it’s because ABC does something stupid like schedule a debate against the Steelers-Jags game. Not that anyone outside of New Hampshire will be watching anyway, but at least make me feel guilty that I’m not paying attention to who will be our next president. I feel nothing if you put it up against the NFL playoffs. Because missing those would be un-American.
Since the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets are out, I’m hopping on the local Redskin bandwagon. I feel at this point, that wagon will go careening off a divider on the Beltway and burst into flames since I joined it.
Ummm…Jaime freakin’ Moyer is chosen to raise the 12th man flag for Seattle? Was David Segui busy this weekend?
Alright, who’s less deserving of having a commercial in the playoffs? Brady Quinn for Myoplex or Mangini for Sprint? Tough one. I’d say Mangini because he just went 4-12. He doesn’t deserve a commercial for awhile.
Another rhetorical question. Do you think the Seahawks players voluntarily selected their turf shoes? Those things the lineman are all wearing are hideous.
Collinsworth just said that Fred Smoot has played the most inspired football since Sean Taylor’s murder. And I thought Fred was just inspired by strippers and boats.
I’m enjoying NBC’s decision to play only music from the early 90s or Jimi Hendrix. Nothing says playoff football like Blind Melon.
After going sober for the first half, I started ingesting bourbon to make the game more interesting (ending a 95 hour streak without a drink). Since the Skins started scoring after this, I felt that my drinking was fueling their comeback. That led to getting drunk very quickly, and anger after two pick 6s, and knowing that I won’t be up for the entire Jacksonville-Pittsburgh game.
It sucks that the Skins lost, but it’s partially worth it from a comedic perspective to see Hassellbeck go back to Green Bay and Paul Allen giving high fives to his fellow millionaires.
Plus, we got to know that Seattle fans are the biggest douches in the league. One of their columnists accused Washington of exploiting Sean Taylor’s death and when Santana Moss tried to honor Taylor after his touchdown (throwing up a sign that doubled as the shocker which was hilarious), Seattle fans flipped him off. Stay classy, Seattle.
Wait, I just tuned into the Pitt Jacksonville game. Did Al Michaels just say “…Dough Boys”? Him and Madden seemed completely confused. I say Dough Boys because I think NBC’s sensors would catch Dope Boys. I love that 3 Six Mafia and Young Jeezy are factors in this years playoffs.
I love how the headset makes an imprint on Mike Tomlin’s fro. That’s great.
I missed the first half of the Tampa-Giants game because I had to go into work. But apparently Eli Manning was a competent quarterback. Then he started throwing passes at receiver’s feet and I thought, “Elisha’s back.”
I forget what Aikman was saying, but there was a point where I just shouted at my tv, “What the fuck are you talking about Troy?” Then I realized it was probably just the concussions talking.
I’m rooting for the Chargers to lose because they’re a bunch of whiners. Between Merriman’s cheating, Tomlinson’s calling out people for imitating a dance and Rivers generally douchery, I’m hoping they lose and fire Norv Turner at midfield.
Well, Tennessee’s offensive ineptitude kept them from beating Whale’s Vagina. Though I did enjoy the whole “Norv Turner won a playoff game so that justifies firing Shottenheimer” thing. Ummm…you’re still in the same round you were last year, except now you’re on the road.
And despite my claim at the beginning of this episode to buckle down and give you a good episode, it sucks and I didn’t finish it until Wednesday. I apologize (not really).
Monday, January 7, 2008
The Barney Interview
Welcome to this month’s Barney Interview, where we try to be Baxter and cut to the core of our guest. The format is this: 10 questions, our subject responds, and then Barney responds. This month’s subject is my brother, Chubb Rock. He’s over in Iraq now, so he’s very busy. He has no time for correct grammar or punctuation in his responses. I gave up trying to correct it after the first question. And if you think I can ramble on, you ain’t seen nothing yet. I guess we both inherited the ability to say nothing verbally, but can’t shut the fuck up when writing. Anyway, let’s get to the interview:
How do you know Barney?
CB: Me and Barney are brothers. He's 4 years older then me. We grew up in wombat country. Now I’m sure most of Barney's readers don’t know what and where wombat country is, although they might have heard certain stories. Wombat country is the West End. Whereas most places open up silver shops, the West End opens up liquor stores. It’s a place where celebrating being Irish isn't enough just once a year. I think he tried to name me T-rex. Or maybe I was Darryl Strawberry, I can't remember, I wasn’t born, but I should just be glad that my parents went against the suggestion of their 4 year old son. He's given me my fair share of nicknames since then too. Like Chubb Rock. Good times right. Fuckin asshole. But hey you probably don’t even remember that so who's laughing now.
Barney: For the record, I wanted to name him T-Rex. At least that’s better than what I wanted to name J-Man. I was 2 and liked trucks and wanted to name him after a dump truck. Dumper would have been a great name. CB’s just venting about all the times I used to beat his ass back in the day. Now, not so much. But CB can’t fight me (or at least no head shots) because it’s like fighting a handicapped person.
Who’s your favorite football team and why shouldn’t I make fun of them?
Give me your true feelings towards Eli Manning.
CB: my favorite football team is the giants. now i'm going to include the answer to your next question in this one. my true feelings about eli manning. i hate the fuckin retard. we'll never win anything with him except 6 of the first 9 games of a season. make fun of the giants. well, scratch that, make fun of eli and tom coughlin. i can't stand that fuckin douchebag. you can make fun of him all you want. barney does know who not to make fun of on the giants though. shockey with first hand experience. pussy. you had the chance to talk shit to a star and you when it matters your blood turned to pee-pee. back to eli. i hate him. i hate his brother peyton and those fuckin commercials. i hate the dad. we could have had either philip rivers or ben rothisberger PLUS shawne merriman. who gives a shit about HGH, that guys a beast. i hate their mom cuz she produced them. and finally i hate their brother cooper. if cooper had played quarterback he would have sucked. coaches would have seen him suck and would have thought twice about eli thinking maybe being a great quarterback isnt in their genes. and i dont know how you could consider archie manning great, he played for the saints when they absolutely SUCKED. so all there really is is peyton in that family. also i especially hate eli and know we won't win anything ever with him as qb when i watched the playoffs last year and he was in the box seats watching peyton and was more excited that Peyton was doing well then when he's ever been on the field playing in his own game. whenever he's playing he just has that same fuckin down syndrome face. oh but here's a reason not to make fun of the giants. wellington mara's (the late owner) granddaughter. HOT. don't believe me check it out. http://farm1.static.flickr.com/131/406638464_f8b528b58c.jpg gotta give the readers what they want.
Barney: Thanks for giving the readers what they want. All 3 of us appreciate it. Though that’s not going to get you out of Giants jokes. In fact, I don’t even need to make Giants jokes, they just write themselves. Eli is God’s gift to comedy. I remember a Giants fan almost punched me a couple years ago at a Super Bowl party when I said, “Eli may have had a rough year, but I heard he had a great time at the Maxim party the other night.” And really that’s all you can hope for with Eli, that he’ll have fun at Super Bowl parties.
And for the record, I was highly post concussed at the time I ran into Shockey, so talking shit to anyone, let alone a starting tight end in the NFL, was out of the question.
We all know that the greatest trick play in football movie history was The Annexation of Puerto Rico from Little Giants. In your opinion, what was the second best?
CB: it's gotta be the half back pass back to the quarterback in the replacements. why the second best play you ask? because any time keanu reeves can do something like that deserves some credit. although i guess it would have to be tied with the same exact play in the waterboy. plus adam sandler threw it to the guy who bought a fuckin lion in grandma's boy. but honestly it really doesnt matter since the annexation of puerto rico was simply incredible. if you loved that play and want to see something like that recreated in real life and havent seen the clip from the division 3 playoffs this year check this out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbblLniZbdk
Barney: Why am I not surprised you picked a half back pass? First, it’s required that in every football movie, the running back has to throw a pass to the quarterback. Second, CB caused numerous fights back in the day when he would always run the half back pass in College Football’s National Championship on Sega. His running back must have had the greatest arm ever because he would throw it in between double coverage 50 yards down the field while on the run. Everytime he would complete that, I would quit the game because that’s bullshit.
Anyway, since most movies run this trick play, I’d have to go with the “Throw the ball to the retarded kid because no one will cover him, then have him severed in half by the DB’s yet still hang on to the ball” play in Not Another Teen Movie (an underrated movie by the way). And yes, this questions sole purpose was to bitch about fights over Sega and the fact that football movies have no originality.
What movie are you most ashamed to admit you have in your DVD collection?
CB: 3 Ninja's. with the neon orange cover for the case. although i never bought it. it was a christmas present from j-man. (see barney's christmas gift article on the reasons for this gift). actually i'm not even ashamed to admit that i have it. i mean how many people can actually say that they have 3 ninja's in their dvd collection? 12? 30? honestly.
Barney: So you’re not ashamed that you own Grumpy Old Men on DVD? Wow, I was sure there would be some remorse after that purchase. I’m kind of ashamed that I own Jerry Maguire since it’s pretty much a chick flick. However, I purchased it for the sole reason of researching ways to quit my job, so I feel this was justified.
Afghanistan has been described as “bombed out and depleted.” How would you describe Iraq so I can use this description to make fun of people’s suits?
CB: i honestly have no answer to this question. i can't beat "bombed out and depleted" plus i dont want any of your readers saying that i dont support the war so why should they. just know that iraq smells like shit. really. the people here burn their shit and all their trash. it's the worst smell ever. i'd rather sit next to a bum on a train sitting in his own urine who just ate 37 white castle burgers than have to deal with the smell over here.
Barney: You suck. Though the bum I passed out next to and who offered me a blanket on New Years didn’t smell that bad, so I don’t think I can say Iraq smells bad.
What’s the greatest song from the 90s?
CB: man i have so many paths i can take with this question. and personally i dont know which one to take. also i have no idea which path you're going to take. i could take the legitimate route and go with something from Nirvana, or Biggie or something else like that, something that really was a great song. or i could go with the other route. the path of songs that people will always remember. the vanilla ice and mc hammer path. tough decision. plus i'm sure you remember "rico suave". so many possibilities but i think i'll go with the legit path and say Nirvana's Smells like teen spirit. huge impact on the music scene that really opened it up for everyday bands to make it big. brought out a whole new genre of music. Nirvana helped pave the way.
Barney: For me, the best song of a decade has to embarrassingly remind you of that decade. It’s a tie between Kris Kross’s “Jump” and House of Pain’s “Jump Around.” Because I used to play these songs while dunking on my 6 foot plastic rim outside when I was 8 years old. These make me feel like I’m in the 90s. That and ashamed, which was the whole purpose of this question.
We’ve won $375 the past two weeks in our NFL picks pool. What should the name of this new juggernaut be named?
CB: it's gotta be The Apacalypse. simply for the fact that barney's luck isnt ruining us. the world must be coming to an end. anyone that knows pat knows that he's got the shittiest luck ever. i mean this guy just hiasnt had anything go right for him in his life. especially when it comes to gambling. the thing is, he isnt completely wrong. he usually does pretty good. but when he needs one thing to go a simple way, it usually doesnt and 7 13 point underdogs all manage to win just to spite barney when it matters most. or a 13 seed manages to beat a 4 seed and thats the difference between him winning the pot and him being ruined in the first round. sorry barnes. plus the fact that i've seen one nfl game this season and that was the pats colts game. and the fact that i'm too busy trying not to get blown up rather than whether or not san francisco can cover against seattle. who the fuck cares.
Barney: I’d go with “Child’s Play 2”. This is in reference to the first time my brother’s and I ran through the NFL Picks Pool with a chain saw. Back in 94, 10 year old Barney and J Man made a run for the ages when our dad hit a cold spell and decided that 8 and 10 year olds could pick better than him. They sent out a league wide fax (that’s how it was done back then) saying, “It’s just child’s play.” I don’t think I’ve ever been prouder in my life.
Plus, it’s not like my luck hasn’t cost us at least $400 already. If Baltimore doesn’t have a BS offensive pass interference call in week 1, or if Denver decides to go for a touchdown in regulation against Green Bay instead of a field goal to send to overtime, or if they didn’t allow a touchdown on the first play in overtime, we would have won already.
What was Shawn Kemp’s greatest accomplishment?
CB: i'd have to say that he didnt go down the same path as Magic. obviously the man doesnt believe in condoms so the fact that he didnt contract any deadly STD is pretty impressive. sorry Magic.
Barney: That, my friend, is a tremendous answer. Since I can’t beat that, I’d have to say his video on NBA Superstars (only the greatest DVD of all time) with Pearl Jam playing or naming his dunk of Alton Listor of Golden State, “The Listor Blister.”
Since I probably don’t remember it, give me your favorite Barney story.
CB: favorite Barney story. tough decision. i'd probably have to go with the whole period when me and j-man knew about his girl from texas and mom had no idea. you see barney, although usually very open about his personal life decided to keep the fact that he had a girl that was from texas away from our moms knowledge. it just so happens that around the same time we discovered Texas Toast. it's absolutely delicious, but we always made sure we asked for it when barney was coming home. mom just really thought we loved the name texas toast and had no idea what we were always laughing our asses off. it was great because barnes had no comeback at all. 6 months of solid inside joke comedy. it all fell apart when he had to tell mom about his girl when she came up pregnant. that really didnt have anything to do with barney though. also have to love the theme song that he had going with him during that time too. i gotta thank barney's roommate floyd banks for this find. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIUnDVyDMeA just wait for the chorus. my answer sucks. although i havent gotten to see barney at his highest barney moments.
Barney: Wait, I call shenanigans on that. I have never been open with my personal life with our family. I still don’t think I’ve told them me and my baby mama aren’t together anymore. And it took 3 months for me to even tell them she was knocked up. And I didn’t tell them who I was going to the prom with until June and I came home with a tuxedo. The Texas Toast for dinner was classic though.
want to thank barney for giving me the chance to ramble about shit that no one in there right mind should care about. but then again if you're reading stories about bums feeling sympathetic for barney you're probably not in your right mind anyway. well on that note i'm done and if anyone managed to make it this far thanks for sticking it out and i hope you all support what i'm doing. I'm not talking about the war i'm talking about trying to free Ron Mexico.
Thank you for spending time in a hot desert so I can write this retarded shit and for keeping your eyes on the prize: Freeing Ookie.
Friday, January 4, 2008
The Sea Captain Strikes Again
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080103/ap_on_fe_st/odd_buffet_ban
I hope there's a lawsuit that involves bringing all the letters to Santa into the courtroom.
I hope there's a lawsuit that involves bringing all the letters to Santa into the courtroom.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Oh the hilarity
If you're looking for a quick laugh this morning, let's hear what Isiah has to say about the Knicks title chances:
"My belief and what I see and where I believe we can go as a team and an organization, I believe one day that we will win a championship here and I believe a couple of these guys will be a part of that. I believe I'll be part of that."
I'll let you write your own joke.
"My belief and what I see and where I believe we can go as a team and an organization, I believe one day that we will win a championship here and I believe a couple of these guys will be a part of that. I believe I'll be part of that."
I'll let you write your own joke.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Best of 2007
Because this is will be an easy column to write (so gimmicky), I now present The Barney Show’s Best of 2007. This is all completely off the cuff and will most likely be scorned by everyone. That’s ok with me. If you actually value my opinion, you have bigger problems than my choice of best action sequence or whatever I decide in this episode. And without further ado, here are the awards:
Best 1st 5 Minutes of a Movie: “We Own the Night”
This movie starts off with Eva Mendes’s titties being shown while she fingers herself. Not that this was a bad movie, but I think if The Godfather started off this way, it would have to be considered going downhill. And I think I just increased the chance that someone will rent this movie about 500% by letting them know this.
Best Action Scenes of the Year:
3. Matt Damon flipping cars off parking garages in “The Bourne Ultimatum”
2. Bruce Willis fighting a F-16 with a mack truck in “Live Free or Die Hard”
1. The entire last 20 minutes of “The Kingdom”. Jamie Foxx basically goes to war with an entire Saudi neighborhood. At the end it had me saying, “Holy Shit.”
Best Comedy of the Year – “Superbad”
This one wins by default, since I haven’t seen the other two ones that could compete with it, “Knocked Up” and “Walk Hard.” But Superbad might have been the funniest movie I’ve ever seen. I’ll have to watch it multiple times on DVD to let you know.
Movie Title that Made Me Laugh – “The Great Debaters”
It takes skill to laugh at a movie about debate teams, yet I pulled it off. Tell me your first reaction to hearing that this was an actual movie wasn’t something along the lines of, “I wonder if the name ‘The Master Debaters’ ever came up?” Because if you say no, I would respond with, “Bullshit my good sir. You are lying.” I’d even respond in a debating way. Possibly even say that you are a cunning linguist. By the way, I’m not 13.
I would give best movie of the year to “American Gangster” but since I didn’t see “No Country for Old Men” or any other movie that could compete for it yet, I don’t think I can just give that award away by default.
Now that we’ve wrapped up movies, let’s move on to music. I think I bought about 10 albums this year, so I am in no way qualified to give out awards. But if you think that’s going to stop me, you’re wrong.
Best Verse – Andre 3000, “Storytelling Pt. 4”
This verse was so good I bought a DJ Drama album just for this verse. He absolutely rips it:“I started off starving/now they got me out here Brett Farveing/seeing if I still got it”. Just pure genius. It’s also worth noting that the only reason I heard this song was it was played on Hot 97 by a Jewish DJ. That’s right, apparently they have a Jewish DJ on Hot 97 Sunday mornings. What is the world coming to?
Also worth noting, that both Andre 3000s and Big Boi’s versus on UGK’s single were also contenders for verse of the year. Not a bad year for Outkast considering they didn’t put out anything on their own.
Worst Song – This was a tough category to make a decision on. There were an abundance of awful songs this year. If I have to make a choice, I’ll go with the Superman song because not only was the song itself awful, it had an awful dance to go along with it. The only good part was that it led me to avoid ever putting anything more than 5 cents on Texas solely because I saw their entire bench doing this dance during a tv timeout. Please note that I’m giving this award out without listening to anything off Bow Wow’s and Omario’s “Faceoff” album. I’m avoiding that thing like syphilis.
Album’s that exceeded expectations:Since I’ve given up on getting classic hip hop albums, here are the album’s that didn’t suck in 2007:
Jay-Z – “American Gangster”. I’ve done a full review of this before, but it’s one of Hov’s better albums. Bonus points for him having Larry Johnson in a video.
Kanye West – “Graduation”. Kanye’s worst album still is better than 99% of the rest out there.
UGK – A surprisingly good album. It was a double album so there is some filler, but for the most part a solid album that I’m still bumping every now and then. RIP Pimp C.
Young Jeezy – This might have actually been released in 2006, but I can’t research this at 35,000 feet. Anyway, you know exactly what you’re getting with a Jeezy album: good beats, good ad libs, and not much else. But if that’s all you expect, you’ll be ok. And if anyone wants to get me the greatest present ever, they’d buy me a USDA t-shirt.
Finally, on to sports. I’m not giving out any MVP’s or anything that references on the field performances.
Biggest Clusterfuck – This was a hard one to decide, but in the end, I’d have to go with Isiah Thomas over Ookie. The thing that put Isiah over the top is that he’s shamed an entire city. Mr. Mexico just shamed himself and possibly Arthur Blank.
Best Moment of the Year – The announcer doing the Tony Yayo “I Can’t Feel My Face” dance to “Jump Around” during a Wisconsin football game. I still can’t believe this actually happened and that my mind didn’t make this up.
Best Rivalry – Deshawn Stevenson vs. Drew Gooden. These two are having a contest to determine who can grow a longer beard. It wouldn’t surprise me if they have $100,000 on this. The NBA, where six figure bets on facial hair happens.
(This girl I work with is a part time sports reporter for a small internet site. She doesn’t follow the NBA at all and got assigned to a Wizards game a week or so ago. She asked me for some background into the teams. I gave her the info and then asked her for a favor: if she could ask Deshawn how his contest with Mr. Gooden was going. She looked at me like I had 16 heads. She didn’t ask this question. Any rivalry that gets my co-workers more concerned about my well being is a winner in my book.)
(And if this girl doesn’t get me better information than “Chris Duhon is a cool guy,” I might try and get her fired. Though that would be my luck: finally getting access to someone that can ask my types of questions and being ignored in order to find out the burning questions like who’s cute or laid back on the Bulls. And if you’re going to do that, at least come back and say Joakim Noah’s cute so I can laugh my ass off at you.)
That leads us to favorite sports related exchange with a co-worker:
Talking with that girl about the Wizards-Bulls game gets second place:
Girl: “Why do people not like Joakim Noah?”
Me: “Ummm…(thinking of a nice way of putting it), he’s a douchebag.”
Joakim Noah ladies and gentleman, where being called a douche is me being nice.
The winner goes to my response to a lady who considers herself a Broncos fan. We were discussing their addition of Dre Bly (let’s just ignore the fact that I’m discussing Dre freakin’ Bly with coworkers):
Lady: “Why do they need another cornerback. They already have Champ Bailey.”
Me: “Well, you need two cornerbacks…and your other starter got shot.”
The bad thing is that I had to hold myself back from adding, “Too soon?” on to that statement.
I think that’s all the awards I have for now. To all the winners, you’ll receive your award (an empty bottle of Jack with The Barney Show 2007 engraved on it). I’d throw away all Oscars, Grammys and Emmys if I were you.
Best 1st 5 Minutes of a Movie: “We Own the Night”
This movie starts off with Eva Mendes’s titties being shown while she fingers herself. Not that this was a bad movie, but I think if The Godfather started off this way, it would have to be considered going downhill. And I think I just increased the chance that someone will rent this movie about 500% by letting them know this.
Best Action Scenes of the Year:
3. Matt Damon flipping cars off parking garages in “The Bourne Ultimatum”
2. Bruce Willis fighting a F-16 with a mack truck in “Live Free or Die Hard”
1. The entire last 20 minutes of “The Kingdom”. Jamie Foxx basically goes to war with an entire Saudi neighborhood. At the end it had me saying, “Holy Shit.”
Best Comedy of the Year – “Superbad”
This one wins by default, since I haven’t seen the other two ones that could compete with it, “Knocked Up” and “Walk Hard.” But Superbad might have been the funniest movie I’ve ever seen. I’ll have to watch it multiple times on DVD to let you know.
Movie Title that Made Me Laugh – “The Great Debaters”
It takes skill to laugh at a movie about debate teams, yet I pulled it off. Tell me your first reaction to hearing that this was an actual movie wasn’t something along the lines of, “I wonder if the name ‘The Master Debaters’ ever came up?” Because if you say no, I would respond with, “Bullshit my good sir. You are lying.” I’d even respond in a debating way. Possibly even say that you are a cunning linguist. By the way, I’m not 13.
I would give best movie of the year to “American Gangster” but since I didn’t see “No Country for Old Men” or any other movie that could compete for it yet, I don’t think I can just give that award away by default.
Now that we’ve wrapped up movies, let’s move on to music. I think I bought about 10 albums this year, so I am in no way qualified to give out awards. But if you think that’s going to stop me, you’re wrong.
Best Verse – Andre 3000, “Storytelling Pt. 4”
This verse was so good I bought a DJ Drama album just for this verse. He absolutely rips it:“I started off starving/now they got me out here Brett Farveing/seeing if I still got it”. Just pure genius. It’s also worth noting that the only reason I heard this song was it was played on Hot 97 by a Jewish DJ. That’s right, apparently they have a Jewish DJ on Hot 97 Sunday mornings. What is the world coming to?
Also worth noting, that both Andre 3000s and Big Boi’s versus on UGK’s single were also contenders for verse of the year. Not a bad year for Outkast considering they didn’t put out anything on their own.
Worst Song – This was a tough category to make a decision on. There were an abundance of awful songs this year. If I have to make a choice, I’ll go with the Superman song because not only was the song itself awful, it had an awful dance to go along with it. The only good part was that it led me to avoid ever putting anything more than 5 cents on Texas solely because I saw their entire bench doing this dance during a tv timeout. Please note that I’m giving this award out without listening to anything off Bow Wow’s and Omario’s “Faceoff” album. I’m avoiding that thing like syphilis.
Album’s that exceeded expectations:Since I’ve given up on getting classic hip hop albums, here are the album’s that didn’t suck in 2007:
Jay-Z – “American Gangster”. I’ve done a full review of this before, but it’s one of Hov’s better albums. Bonus points for him having Larry Johnson in a video.
Kanye West – “Graduation”. Kanye’s worst album still is better than 99% of the rest out there.
UGK – A surprisingly good album. It was a double album so there is some filler, but for the most part a solid album that I’m still bumping every now and then. RIP Pimp C.
Young Jeezy – This might have actually been released in 2006, but I can’t research this at 35,000 feet. Anyway, you know exactly what you’re getting with a Jeezy album: good beats, good ad libs, and not much else. But if that’s all you expect, you’ll be ok. And if anyone wants to get me the greatest present ever, they’d buy me a USDA t-shirt.
Finally, on to sports. I’m not giving out any MVP’s or anything that references on the field performances.
Biggest Clusterfuck – This was a hard one to decide, but in the end, I’d have to go with Isiah Thomas over Ookie. The thing that put Isiah over the top is that he’s shamed an entire city. Mr. Mexico just shamed himself and possibly Arthur Blank.
Best Moment of the Year – The announcer doing the Tony Yayo “I Can’t Feel My Face” dance to “Jump Around” during a Wisconsin football game. I still can’t believe this actually happened and that my mind didn’t make this up.
Best Rivalry – Deshawn Stevenson vs. Drew Gooden. These two are having a contest to determine who can grow a longer beard. It wouldn’t surprise me if they have $100,000 on this. The NBA, where six figure bets on facial hair happens.
(This girl I work with is a part time sports reporter for a small internet site. She doesn’t follow the NBA at all and got assigned to a Wizards game a week or so ago. She asked me for some background into the teams. I gave her the info and then asked her for a favor: if she could ask Deshawn how his contest with Mr. Gooden was going. She looked at me like I had 16 heads. She didn’t ask this question. Any rivalry that gets my co-workers more concerned about my well being is a winner in my book.)
(And if this girl doesn’t get me better information than “Chris Duhon is a cool guy,” I might try and get her fired. Though that would be my luck: finally getting access to someone that can ask my types of questions and being ignored in order to find out the burning questions like who’s cute or laid back on the Bulls. And if you’re going to do that, at least come back and say Joakim Noah’s cute so I can laugh my ass off at you.)
That leads us to favorite sports related exchange with a co-worker:
Talking with that girl about the Wizards-Bulls game gets second place:
Girl: “Why do people not like Joakim Noah?”
Me: “Ummm…(thinking of a nice way of putting it), he’s a douchebag.”
Joakim Noah ladies and gentleman, where being called a douche is me being nice.
The winner goes to my response to a lady who considers herself a Broncos fan. We were discussing their addition of Dre Bly (let’s just ignore the fact that I’m discussing Dre freakin’ Bly with coworkers):
Lady: “Why do they need another cornerback. They already have Champ Bailey.”
Me: “Well, you need two cornerbacks…and your other starter got shot.”
The bad thing is that I had to hold myself back from adding, “Too soon?” on to that statement.
I think that’s all the awards I have for now. To all the winners, you’ll receive your award (an empty bottle of Jack with The Barney Show 2007 engraved on it). I’d throw away all Oscars, Grammys and Emmys if I were you.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Happy New Year
And a happy new year to you from The Barney Show. We here have started 2008 off with a bang. Where do we start? I ended up going to an Irish bar with all you can drink provided you pay the $50 cover, so you can guess where this is going. The metro closed at 2 am and since I left the bar after this, and wasn’t paying a $100 cab fare home, things got interesting.
- I passed out on a lawn across the street from the Washington Monument. This was convenient because the monument was only 2 miles from where I started my night. I have no idea what this lawn was in front of, but I’m hoping it was an embassy. Because technically, that would be the territory of whatever country owned that embassy, and no drinking story could top, “One thing led to another and I ended up passing out in Bangladesh.”
- Since that wasn’t comfortable enough, I walked over a mile to my office where I knew there was a heating vent. Unfortunately, a homeless guy had already claimed this. But since I had spent 20 minutes getting here, I’ll be damned if I wasn’t passing out near this heating vent. It was also fun having a man with no possessions offer me one of his blankets. The good news is that I can’t dip any lower in 2008. Having a homeless man decide you look too decrepit for even him is a new low here.
- I have no idea what actually happened, but I’m pretty sure I fucked up my best chance of getting laid in the next 3 months. I don’t remember leaving, but remember I was pissed off leaving. And she hasn’t gotten back to me since then.
So to summarize the beginning of 2008, I was pathetic to a homeless man and have no pussy in the foreseeable future. Also, my dad called on New Year's to make sure I was still alive. I'm not sure how much he was joking, but based on the night I had, it was probably a good call. Looks like there’s nowhere else to go but up for the rest of 2008.
- I passed out on a lawn across the street from the Washington Monument. This was convenient because the monument was only 2 miles from where I started my night. I have no idea what this lawn was in front of, but I’m hoping it was an embassy. Because technically, that would be the territory of whatever country owned that embassy, and no drinking story could top, “One thing led to another and I ended up passing out in Bangladesh.”
- Since that wasn’t comfortable enough, I walked over a mile to my office where I knew there was a heating vent. Unfortunately, a homeless guy had already claimed this. But since I had spent 20 minutes getting here, I’ll be damned if I wasn’t passing out near this heating vent. It was also fun having a man with no possessions offer me one of his blankets. The good news is that I can’t dip any lower in 2008. Having a homeless man decide you look too decrepit for even him is a new low here.
- I have no idea what actually happened, but I’m pretty sure I fucked up my best chance of getting laid in the next 3 months. I don’t remember leaving, but remember I was pissed off leaving. And she hasn’t gotten back to me since then.
So to summarize the beginning of 2008, I was pathetic to a homeless man and have no pussy in the foreseeable future. Also, my dad called on New Year's to make sure I was still alive. I'm not sure how much he was joking, but based on the night I had, it was probably a good call. Looks like there’s nowhere else to go but up for the rest of 2008.
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