Anthony Mason in the News

In my ongoing attempt to give a status of everyone on the 1994 NY Knicks, here's your Anthony Mason update:

http://www.nypost.com/seven/12302007/news/regionalnews/knick_hit_me_in_bad_pass__gal_828263.htm

For those of you going out to New Year's parties tonight, if you get turned down by a female, have one of your friends say, "We would have given you money." That's what Anthony Mason did and its all class.

Monday Morning Hangover - Week 17

In honor of the Patriots going 16-0, I’m going to talk about Randy Moss. I read a couple weeks ago that if he has a few more good years in New England, he’ll be a lock for the Hall of Fame. My question is, he really needs a few more years? The man was part of the two most explosive offenses in history in two different places. Does he have some issues? Of course. But I tried to think of which player in my lifetime had more talent than him, and I can’t even come up with a name besides Barry Sanders. If I had to pick my 10 favorite highlights of the past 15 years, I think Randy Moss would have at least 3, maybe even 5. One play stuck out to me Saturday night. Moss and Ben Watson were on the left side, Moss goes on a skinny post, and Watson cuts his route short and heads to the sidelines. The Giant covering Watson leaves his man to double Moss, leaving Watson wide open for a 20-25 yard gain. How many other players are teams willing to give 20 yards so that they don’t touch the ball. Devin Hester, Moss, possibly TO. That’s the list.
My favorite Randy Moss moment was watching him in Minnesota on HBO’s Inside the NFL. Moss is going on a fly pattern and the corner is still giving him a 4 yard cushion. Even with this 4 yard cushion, Moss knows this isn’t enough and throws his hand up telling Cullpepper to throw him the ball while his man is 3-4 yards ahead of him. Of course Moss caught it and took it to the house. Just the most incredible play I might have ever seen and I don’t think this view was ever put on a normal highlight reel.

Saturday night was vintage Moss. Brady throwing the deep ball to him short, then following it immediately up by another bomb was all you need to know about Moss. You can know it’s coming, but that won’t help you stop it. Moss’s post game interview cracked me up. "I don't really think that me breaking Jerry Rice's record was special," Moss said. "I think shutting you guys up was really what made it special. All the negativity and all my critics, I think this really is a good feeling to be able to come in and have a good season like this, to have confidence in myself that I can still get it done. And still I really wasn't coming into the season not thinking that I was going to have a good season. My mindset was to come out here and have a helluva of a season. Just wanted to come up here and play some good football this year, knowing that it was my 10th year in the league." Now picture him wearing a suit and tie, the tie half off, and him wearing sunglasses, while not shaving the past week. Just a tremendous 30 second clip.

I was also intrigued by how the entire Patriots team acted like this was unexpected. They kept talking about how the media had doubted them and were almost defiant in their moment of triumph. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more focused team in my life. Also, Belichick’s press conferences are a thing of beauty. He says absolutely nothing of consequence, yet I’m entertained by these. Probably because he does it with such a smug attitude.

Anyway, on to other stuff for this week.

Tankapalooza 2007 Final Update
When Tankapalooza 2007 started, I told you I already knew the Jets would fuck this up. So what do they do? Fuck it up of course. It started by them winning against Pittsburgh. Then they had to go out and beat Kansas City. If they had lost yesterday, they would have been picking no worse than 3rd. Now, they’re picking 6th because they ended up losing all the tie breakers. Ahead of them are Miami, St Louis, Atlanta, Oakland and Kansas City. You’re telling me none of those teams need a running back? You even played yourselves out of Glenn Dorsey territory. Though the Jets are probably in prime position to get another offensive fucking lineman. Tankapalooza 2007 has been a failure.

I get a text message at 11:15 last night asking if Kerry Collins is drunk. I think that’s a valid question at anytime. Kerry is one rung below me on the alky scale.

I’d like to thank the Redskins for getting their collective acts together in December, when my fantasy season was already a waste. Good to see Clinton Portis start putting up 100 yard games during the last week of the regular season. You’re lucky you’re Clinton Portis and wear a red scarf and fedora while doing your postgame interviews. I can’t stay mad at you. And Chris Cooley earned a Pro Bowl berth. So I feel somewhat validated on that pick.

Hopefully, I’ll get around to a playoff preview sometime this week.

Finally, if anyone has any ideas on what I did between 1:30 and 3:15 am on Friday night, I’d be happy to hear them. I was apparently dropped off at the subway at 1:30, someone saw me walking to the subway, and the next thing anyone knows it was 3:15 and I was in a parking garage. My co-workers who have nothing else to do today are concocting stories on my lost hour and 45 minutes. Feel free to make up your own stories.

Barney's Birthday

So Thursday was my birthday. We celebrated the only way I know how…classy (and with a lot of alcohol). Thursday’s celebration was postponed because of food poisoning. Probably not a bad thing since we were going to Dogfish, with its 9%+ beer. That might not have ended well. Not that Friday’s was a walk in the park. The highlights:

- Drinking 2 Guinness at my desk while waiting for someone to get off work. I really don’t care anymore (about work that is).
- Getting to the bar and having 13 drinks in two and a half hours (I know this is correct because I saved the receipt, you know, for recollection purposes. 9 Jameson’s on the rocks is a lot. That’s probably why the next few paragraphs happened).
- Falling off my bar stool at another bar. Definitely not the high point of my life.
- Going to a bar called Rumors which set off a bunch of texts to Floyd Banks, letting him know that I was tired of these rumors and being followed. (Yes I know, another Lindsay Lohan reference. Floyd Banks used to bump Lindsay’s first single, “Rumors” pretty much every Friday night in college. Fortunately, that joke never got old.)
- Realizing that I’ve lost my ability to dance. I used to be able to dance somewhat in college. I’ve now turned into Carlton Banks doing the Tom Jones song. I don’t know how I lost this but I’m awful now. Needing at least a BAC of .20 to start dancing might have something to do with it though.
- And how did my night end? Anyone who had, “Waking up in a parking garage at 3:15 in the morning” in the pool, you win. Wait, no one had that? Ok, guess we just put add it to the next pot. Seriously though, I have no idea how I ended up here and how long I was in that parking garage. I don’t think it was that long because I woke up standing up. I did have dirt on my pants though. I’m also glad I came to at 3:15 since it’s not like the metro closes at 3 or anything like that. I enjoy having to make decisions like, “Do I pay $60 for a cab home or sleep in some bushes?” For the record, the $60 cab ride was the selection, but the bushes got some serious consideration. If anyone has any other ideas on what happened between 12:30 and 3:15 am, I’d love to know.

And on that note, time to start getting my New Year’s plans together. I think waking up on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial would be a good way to start the year off. Either that or maybe rehab.

Christmas Texas Toast

It’s once again time for America’s favorite running episode…Barney Goes to Texas. As always, we’re doing quotes. If I randomly insert Spanish phrases into this episode, don’t blame me, blame me being brainwashed by Dora the Explorer this week. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t read a fictional encounter on the internet of Jerry Jones’ plan to bring the Cowboys to Latin America by having sex with Dora’s mom. That made things a little more awkward to watch. On that note, let’s just get to the quotes.

“Welcome to Atlanta where the players play.” – Ludicris
I had a connection to make at Atlanta to take me to Dallas. Unfortunately, my flight out of Baltimore left late and I missed this connection. So instead of a 9:15 flight to Dallas, I had to wait until 2:30 which ended up being 3:15. So that left me on my own for 5 hours or so in Atlanta’s airport. Contrary to what I expected, there were no strip clubs within the airport itself. I didn’t even see Ludicris’ plane he uses to transport ho’s from different area codes. I know this may come as a shock, but apparently real life isn’t a rap video. Who would have known? (Quick side story: a co-worker of mine has a niece who’s in a rap video now. The song? 5 Thousand Ones. I was reluctant to tell her that it’s a song about throwing money at strippers. She insists that she didn’t do anything raunchy and that she’s fully clothed. I would try and see the video on youtube, but I’m pretty sure that this song was produced by Jazzy Phe. Therefore, I will not listen to this song unless a gun is pointed to my head.)

“Free Mike Vick!” – My brother
Since I spent time in Atlanta, I can tell this story. Regis and Kelly went over to Kuwait or Iraq or some place that doesn’t allow you to drink to interview the troops for Christmas greetings. His regiment got selected. Now he didn’t get interviewed, but he did shout out “Free Mike Vick,” when they did a pan shot of the group. I was proud of my brother that he’s out there putting his life on the line so I could write dumb ass things like this. But I’m even more proud now. The only thing that would make me more proud is if he said “Free Ookie” or “Free Ron Mexico”. That would have been the smart thing to do. Only because I’m sure the producers of Regis and Kelly know who Vick is and will edit that out. I have my doubts that they know his alter egos, Ookie and Ron Mexico. But if any of you are watching Regis and Kelly (I highly doubt it based on my readership. Though Brock might. I seem to recall him making comments about Kelly Ripa that would get him knocked out if her husband heard.), and hear someone give a shout out to Mr. Mexico, that’s my brother, bringing the Barney Show Free Ookie campaign to the Middle East.

“I can’t tell you how excited I am about Jamie Lynn Spears getting pregnant.” - Numerous friends
So I’m in Texas hanging out with my BM’s brother who’s like 11. He’s watching Nickelodeon. I have a sick desire to watch Zoey 101 or whatever the hell Jamie Lynn’s show is called. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case and I spent 2 hours watching random Nick shows with an 11 year old.
It was all made up however, when we watched the Christmas parade from Disney World. I didn’t leave the room because it was hosted by Regis and Kelly and thought they might have Christmas greetings from the troops. The cast of High School Musical did a song. I did get to think in my head, “Ha, I saw that chick on the right naked on the internet.” So on random shows for 12 year olds that I shouldn’t be watching, it was a wash.

“18 years, 18 years, she got one of your kids she got you for 18 years.” – Kanye
So I’m over hearing conversation between the women folk and hear my BM say that another single mother told her, “Some of us don’t have a rich baby daddy.” So apparently, that’s what I am now. A rich baby daddy. Should I be flattered by this? Insulted? I’m more confused than anything.
Though it does speak to how where I went really is a ghetto, just lot more spread out geographically. I think I had more college credits than the rest of the house combined. I really had to dumb myself down while there. And this is the place I’m thinking of moving to. Though this might improve the content of my episodes. So there is that.

“Don’t ever get put in a sleeper hold…because when you wake up, your anus will really hurt.” – Chappelle Show
Following up on the previous quote, how many of you slept in the same room with a convicted felon who spent a year behind bars for Christmas? That’s why I have a blog about my Christmas experience and you don’t. Thank God I only had my daughter with me and not a girl. Because I’m pretty sure it would result in me sitting in the corner crying while Lysol had sex with Katie.

“Don’t tell me you’re a functional alcoholic.” - A coworker to me
Yes I am. That’s the reason I have a half pint of Jack in the period between dropping my rental car off and going through airport security and will still be at work tomorrow, assuming there’s no flight delays. Oh wait, my flight to Atlanta is delayed an hour and 45 minutes. This should be fun. If I find an outlet, this will be the longest Barney Show ever. Well, at least I drank that Jack with only a doughnut in my stomach all day.

“For all of you calling and saying the Redskins accomplished a lot considering the circumstances, I’m just letting you know I consider them underachievers.” – Sports Radio Host in Dallas
Apparently losing your fourth game in a row, possibly decided by your head coach calling a 2nd time out resulting in a 15 yard penalty, then flying the next day to bury your team’s best player who was shot in a botched robbery, then losing your starting quarterback in the 1st half of your next game doesn’t count as adversity. Winning 3 in a row after this isn’t an accomplishment. This is the new standard by which homerism will be measured.

“We’ll be back on ESPN Radio: it’s [insert random name here] and Nate Newton.” – Sports Radio Host in Dallas
So Nate Newton is apparently doing a drive time radio show in Dallas. I may be mistaken, but wasn’t Big Nate convicted of driving a van full of weed for distribution? What do Cowboys from the early 90s need to do to not work for ESPN? A van full of weed isn’t enough. Getting caught with cocaine and hookers isn’t enough. Said person made racist comments on the air and wasn’t fired. A grasp of the English language isn’t even required. If I didn’t have to be supportive of Who’s Now 2, I might apply for a job at the worldwide leader. Alcoholism won’t keep me from getting it if I can convince Troy Aikman that I was the scrappy 3rd down wide receiver in 1992. He’s pretty concussed, so I think this is a good chance.

“Alright, I’m the asshole.” – Swingers
On to this week’s segment of “Things that only happen to me.” So its tough enough leaving my daughter behind. What I didn’t need is slamming her finger in the door while putting my bags in my rental. Because it’s always a good impression of someone leaving when they physically injure you. God, I’m a jackass.

“You’ll shoot your eye out.” – A Christmas Story
Two parts to this quote. First, is it just me, or is the new Christmas tradition becoming that you watch A Christmas Story, but never in one sitting. You change back and forth to it over the course of the day and end up getting the entire movie in parts. Or you have different people working the remote and you end up watching the same parts over and over like an ass. Maybe I’m wrong (won’t be the first time).
Secondly, one advantage to having a Texas Christmas is that before dinner, you play capture the flag with pellet guns. Was this fun? Fuck and Yes. I might go by myself an air pistol just so I can get my skills up for next year. There’s nothing more fun than being able to say, “Ok, I reloaded” and actually reload. Well, maybe shooting a 12 year old multiple times with a pellet Uzi (in my defense, he did have a semi-automatic). That’s fun as hell.

“FLOSSSIN’” – Jim Jones
So my flight back to Atlanta was 2 hours late, so I missed my connection to Bodymore, Murderland. They got me on the last flight there but I had to run to make it. It was all worth it because I got bumped up to business class. I was straight ballin’. The best part is that you get unlimited alcohol for free. That might be the best thing ever. Unfortunately, it was only an hour and 15 minute flight and I had to drive home from the airport. So I kept it to only 3 Bloody Mary’s.

“OJ Simpson…not a Jew. But guess who is Hall of Famer Rod Carew.” – Adam Sandler
I think the highlight of this trip was seeing a guy with an OJ Simpson USC throwback on at the airport. What type of statement was this guy trying to make? I have the ability to slash your throat and get away with it? The Juice got a raw deal? I just don’t give a fuck? I was thinking of asking him, but decided that the first possible statement was too real and didn’t want to spend Christmas in ER.
Not that I can really talk. I still have my Michael Vick Va Tech throwback. I keep telling myself its for Halloween when I’ll dress up in my Bad Newz Kennelz outfit. Plus, it’s freakin’ hilarious.

“I think I’m going to make this a Jim Beam Christmas.” – J Man
Though I had my issues with Texas, it’s not like my family’s Christmas was much better. My parents waited until the 23rd to by a tree so they ended up with one that looked like it belonged in the Charlie Brown Christmas. My brother took this as a sign and started drinking heavily. He needed to in order to make it through my mother’s side of the family. On that note, another Texas Toast is complete. See y’all in February.

A Barney Christmas

In honor of the season, here’s something Christmas related: Barney’s Guide to Presents. It’s really not a guide at all, just one suggestion and then how me and my brother handle Christmas. Anyway, if I can give you one piece of advice it’s on wrapping presents. Every year I win the award for worst job wrapping presents. I might be the worst in the world. I give it a good try every year, but I’ve accepted that I have no talent what so ever with this. Anyway, I’ve come to realize that this is a good thing. My shitty wrapping job lowers everyone’s expectations. People are so floored by the debacle that is their gift that they expect nothing less than a lamp that looks like a leg. Half the time, they look at you like you’re so pathetic and are amused by the fact that you actually bought them something. So when they get something that’s actually good, they’re pleasantly surprised. So my advice to you (and honestly, when do I not give you good advice?) is to lower expectations by doing a shitty wrapping job and thus inflating the value of your gift.
And on to the part that you’ve been waiting for (can I add excitedly?): me and my brother’s continued attempt to mock Christmas. This all started back when we were in high school. We were broke so anything we did get each other wouldn’t be good anyway (being broke and sarcastic is never a good combination around Christmas). So we took it a step further and decided to buy each other the most random gifts we could find. Thus a noble tradition was started. Let’s look at some of the gifts my brother has received over the years:A random assortment of goods from a hardware store. This included a brass # 4 that could be put on a house to show the address (very useful considering our address was 97), and butt splicers (electrical equipment). Just saying butt splicers brings a smile to my face.
A random assortment of good from a dollar store. Not only a dollar store, but a dollar store going out of business. J-Man got a bunch of crap that included spices from the Caribbean and a bag with a dollar sign on it. He got 24 gifts and I spent less that $9.
You Got Served on DVD. I didn’t just give him the DVD. I had an act to go with it. Here’s how it went:J-Man: Thanks Barney, You Got Served. A real classic.
Barney: I know, it’s a terrible movie. And because I’m not that cruel, here’s the receipt to return it for a DVD you want (start handing him the receipt).
Barney: (Rip receipt in half) Oh no, you’re stuck with it now. Looks like you got served.
J-Man: (completely speechless)

That one will never be topped. NEVER. That was probably the funniest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’m not one to brag much (and this isn’t dripping with sarcasm like everything else I write), but that was damn near genius. So on one hand, it’s hilarious, but on the other, you know that you’ve already maxed out what you can do on the comedy scale, which isn’t to reassuring considering I write this blog to be somewhat funny.

As a follow up to that, last year, J-Man got himself a Kevin Federline CD. But the album hadn’t come out yet. So I burned the first single onto a disc and made the album cover myself. The linear notes went something along the lines of “Very few artists have been able to capture the skill and versatility that Mr. Federline possesses.” You’ve heard me ramble before (no Barney, you rambling? Never heard it? You only wrote 500 words on that ridiculous dream you had with Lindsay Lohan. It could have easily been 2000). Basically it was 500 words on Kevin Federline talent written in words that should be used by John Facenda. I’d rate this a solid follow up to the You Got Served one.

So what’s J-Man getting this year? Not so fast my friend. I’m not giving that one away. I was going to get him a Rudy Gay jersey, but the NBA store doesn’t have it, the rat bastards. You’ll find out in January when J-Man gets it. I’m spending Christmas in Texas. I’ll be back next week with a ridiculous summary of that which you can feel free to ignore. Very unlikely that I do a Monday Morning Hangover this week, so you’ll need to get your football information from other websites like you normally do. My website consists of very little insight into football.
So enjoy your Christmas. I hope you and your loved ones can come together and make a manger Ricky Bobby style, with baby Jesus sitting in his crib watching Baby Einstein videos, learning about shapes and colors. I personally prefer to picture him as a mischievous badger, but to each his own. And isn’t that the true meaning of Christmas? (This easily has to win the least inspiring Christmas story of the year, right?)

Oak Update

Because I'm all over things like this, Charles Oakley got arrested last night. I'll let you write your own joke.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/1218071oakley1.html

Monday Morning Hangover - Week 15

And we’re back with another exciting week of football action. Let’s get right into this year’s Trojan Boner of the Year award: It goes to Brian Billick. They’re down 3 with 6 seconds left. Fourth and goal from the half yard line. You’re 4-9, so it’s not like this will affect anything other than draft position. You’re team is moving the football. What do you do? Of course, you kick the field goal and go for the tie. Simply brilliant. You can tell this is true because your players were yelling at you. Actually, the Boner of the Year award goes to Baltimore’s owner who just gave Billick a contract extension before the year. I’m sure he was contemplating how much that buy out will be when the players were yelling at him.

The Jets only lost by 10. I’m impressed. That’s the blueprint for all games going forward. Lose close (though losing the qb of the future wasn’t part of that plan). We’re now tied for the second pick. And St Louis might not take a RB since they have Stephen Jackson. I’m two weeks from rooting for Ronnie Brown rehab sessions to go well.

The Barney Show has made the big time: I got a comment from someone I don’t know. I apparently got a comment on last weeks MMH about Tebow. Granted this was by someone who I think googles random combinations of words, but I found it funny that he felt the need to comment on my post that Tebow wasn’t banging enough chicks.

Other than that, I have nothing else to comment on football this week. So let’s get into drunk Barney stories. If you remember a few weeks ago, in the Barney Interview I said I avoid Georgetown bars because I end up turning into Dikembe Mutumbo. Well, this weekend I ended up in Georgetown after about 4 beers and a bunch of jack on the rocks, and very little food (in fact I puked up a cheeseburger in the bathroom before we left. Not that I was that bad, my stomach just hates me these days). Not only did we go to Georgetown, we took the Georgetown student bus to take us there. I decided this was a good time as any to be an asshole, so I proceeded to spend the 15 minute trip making Georgetown basketball jokes. Roy Hibbert took a lot of the abuse. After a Jeff Green comment didn’t get someone fighting me I decided to up the stakes. So I went back awhile: “How do you not win a national championship with Mutumbo and Mourning on your team?” “Hell, I’d be mad two if my team lost a championship game because the other team shot 65% from the field.” “Do you ever want to go up to Sleepy Floyd and ask, ‘Did you not know that Worthy was on North Carolina?” Unfortunately, this had the opposite effect, as no one understood the references I made. (In my defense, I did say I “respect” Iverson and would not make jokes about him). All it got me was a bunch of stares.

You’d think making fun of one school in a night would be enough, but sadly (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it. If I get my ass kicked one of these days, you’ll still probably laugh), it was not. I was on the train home, and I happened to sit across from someone who went to West Virginia. Now I didn’t start this (I swear I didn’t), but the guy in front of me decides he needs to rip WVU. So he proceeds to start making homosexual references about Pat White and Steve Slaton. I’m trying to mind my own business, but I can’t help laughing at this guy. Eventually, he goes, “This guy knows what I’m talking about,” and points at me. I see this as an opportunity, and since you can only get so much mileage out of the jokes he was doing, I switch it to a WVU joke that I like: couch burning. Once that got old, I decided to bring out the big guns: “I’m sure you’re glad to be a fellow alumnus along with Chris Henry and Pacman Jones.” How I didn’t get my ass kicked by her male companion is beyond me. Maybe he thought I was funny. Who knows. Until next week…

Actual Quotes from Actual People

We’re going to try a new feature here on The Barney Show…Actual Quotes from Actual People. Two reasons for this: One, so my brother can stop get some of my jokes since he hasn’t followed sports since the 1993 Orlando Magic. Two, I’ve been told I might have some additional readers, and what better way for them to get to know Barney than from the words of friends and family. And with that incredible segue concluded, let’s get on to the quotes:

“So I was talking to Nikki about if we ever did get married, you being my best man. It didn’t go over too well. She said something about every time she’s seen you, you’ve been hammered.” – K-Dog
To be honest, I would not recommend me as a best man for anyone. My speech would end up as either the one from Old School or me just freezing up entirely. I would probably drop f bombs without even realizing it. I could see a marriage failing because of me. I’d also assume I’d be in charge of the bachelor party. We’d be three hours in before people started figuring out there aren’t any strippers coming (All the places hung up the phone when I asked if any of their strippers were Communists). And half the alcohol brought to the party was for myself. And I’m won’t stop saying, “One vagina for the rest of your life. Way to think things out there buddy.” This won’t end well.
And Nikki, don’t feel so special. You’re not the only one who only sees me drunk. Pretty much the only ones who see me consistently sober are my co-workers (and that’s only guaranteed after 11 am).
I was also impressed that two of my friends have begun thinking of marriage and I haven’t yet, despite the fact that I’m the one with a kid. True Barney spirit right there.

“Are you doing coke? I’m not kidding. I know you’ve been working long hours and drinking a lot, so there’s a chance you would be using blow.” – Brock
Ah, the confidence people have in me. For the record, no I’m not using coke. I may not follow the Ten Commandments, so the least I could do is follow the Ten Crack Commandments.

“If you keep going this way, you’re going to end up a bitter, bitter man.” – My BM
I think she was implying that I’m on my way to being bitter. Guess she doesn’t know that I’m pretty bitter as it is now. Maybe because she’s never mentioned anything about JJ Reddick to me. Or the 2005 Divisional Playoffs. And she does try to not talk to me about work.
(This was part of a really fun talk we had. Three hours fun. About our relationship. It would have all been worth it if she had let me finish my sentence from The Departed: “I’m Irish, I can deal with things being wrong my whole life.” I almost got it out. A great quote for justifying a relationship. Though she might have barred me from seeing my child ever again afterwards, I’m sure her face would priceless when I said that.)

Dad: “Barney’s going to drive J-Man home.”Mom: “Is Barney ok to drive?”
Keep in mind this was said at 4 pm on a Sunday. My mom was legitimately asking if I had sobered up from the night before. While I was sitting right next to her. This is why I’m worried that every time I go home that there’s going to be an intervention. It’s coming eventually, I can feel it. I’ve already started rehearsing my, “I don’t have a problem, you’re the ones with the problem,” line.

“Since you won’t be here for Christmas, we’ll give you your present now (handing me “Knocked Up” on DVD). I think you’ll enjoy this.” - My aunt
So everybody’s got jokes. Let’s all laugh it up. I’m sure you’ll be the first of at least three family members that buy this for me. That’s all right. Next year, you’re all getting Rudy Gay Grizzlies jerseys (note: Why next year? Because the NBA store currently doesn’t sell his jersey. I’ve already looked into this. They sell everyone else’s online, including Lawrence freakin’ Roberts and Brian Cardinal. But not their first round pick from last year. Bastards. You’re ruining a hilarious Christmas present.)

“Yeah, you are an asshole Barney.” - My brother
This one was warranted. I got a call from the 757 area code on Thanksgiving. Since I don’t know where that is I ignored the call. It was my brother calling…from Iraq. Nothing says I support my troops like ignoring their calls on holidays. That’s my submission for the 2007 Asshole Olympics. Either that or when I kept demanding the guy to keep playing “Johnny Motherfuckin’ Cash” at an Irish pub. I haven’t decided yet.

So there you have it, what loved ones think about me. I’d say it was a good holiday for me, how ‘bout you? (To be honest, there were positive things people said to me. Those just aren’t funny. So I’m not going to write about those. And don’t worry, me and my baby mama are cool, I just picked a quote completely out of context. We’re good as long as she doesn’t talk about the Patriots getting McFadden with the second pick. Then it’s on like Donkey Kong.)

Monday Morning Hangover - Week 14

In case you wondering (and judging by the attendance here, you’re not), I’m perfectly fine with Tebow winning the Heisman. If I had a vote, I would have given it to him as well. Still doesn’t McFadden’s status as my man. Anyway, two thoughts on the Heisman:

1. Was anyone else feeling a little weird watching the Tim Tebow piece before they announced the winner? It seems like he grew up in the Flanders house. Maybe I’m just uncomfortable with the best college player in America being a God fearing Christian. I like my college athletes “meeting with the assistant coaches” Jesus Shuttlesworth style, thank you very much. What do I know? Maybe Timmy is getting some. Just do a google image search on “Tim Tebow girl” and you’ll see what I mean. “Katie got some big ass tit-tays.”

2. Ummm…wait a minute, how did I miss that Colt Brennan was accused of sexual assault and convicted of burglary and trespassing? And how was this not bigger news? I’m not saying this is a racial issue, but they didn’t mention Marcus Vick 2 years ago without his issues. And I just found out about these revelations this weekend? I mean, if I don’t know these things, who does? Maybe I should have read that ESPN the Magazine article a couple weeks back instead of just passing it off as a cover dedicated to a player that might be a decent NFL backup (when has a run and shoot QB done well in the league?).

On to the NFL. I missed the 1 pm games due to Christmas shopping (Barney goes to Toys R Us, hilarity ensues). It was a boring slate anyway. I’ve reached my limit of Eli Manning for this year, so the NYG-Philly game wasn’t in the cards. I knew the Pats were winning yesterday. Why? Because too many people were picking Pittsburgh. New England is the closest I’ve seen to Jordan in their ability to find motivation anywhere. Anthony Smith is the new Labradford Smith.

I was listening to pregame stuff on ESPN radio and how did Bill Parcells describe Thursday night’s game? “Both teams played hard.” How has Sheed not copyrighted that by now?

Tankapalooza 2007 Update
Thank you Peter King for ruining my Monday morning. I had temporarily forgotten that the Patriots had the 49ers pick, and they’re currently sitting at # 2. They’re going to get McFadden, I know it. Then he’ll run for 150 yards a game twice a year against the Jets and the Pats will be winning Super Bowls until 2015. Fuckin’ A man, fuckin’ A.

Alright, enough football for this week. I spent most of my weekend trying to maintain some level of dignity while holding a potty trainer while hearing “I need a price check on a Dora the Explorer outfit.” (It’s tough to do. Trust me on that.) Other than that, there were three separate moments when I realized I’m getting old:

1. I was walking through Toys R Us and was drawn to the new GI Joe Sigma 6 action figures. Why? Apparently you don’t need to have fancy signs or flashing colors to get my attention. Just give your toy a name based on lean management theory.
2. I was half heartedly listening to a mixtape over the weekend and heard some random rapper say, “Double XL.” My first thought was “Why is a rapper name checking spreadsheet software?”
3. After unwrapping a sandwich at the mall on Sunday, I realized this would be too hot to eat and went to wrap it back up to take with me. After doing a piss poor job of wrapping it, my first thought was “hit control Z.” Yes, I was hoping for an undo function in real life. After this weekend, I’ve officially become pathetic.

Until next week…

Barney Takes Manhattan

Sorry for the delay in a new posting (I know there was a void in your life in the absence of any new Barney Show episodes), but I took a vacation and went back to NY with my daughter. With that brought about one of my least favorite pastimes: tourism. Because I’m Barney and not a normal person, my tour of New York was a little different. Let’s review how my trip was different from that of the average tourist: (And if you think a Muppets reference was random, keep reading. I’m all over the place on this one.)

World Trade Center and Battery Park: Pretty much the entire time I was here, I was making references in my head to The 25th Hour. I kept looking around Battery Park for heroin users who were too afraid to go uptown to Harlem because they would get robbed by black people. Also, my first thought upon seeing Ground Zero was, where Phillip Seymour Hoffman so I can tell him, “Fuck the Times, I read the Post.” (I have to make more references to The 25th Hour than anyone else. I would write a whole Barney Classics episode about it, except I need to do more movies. Since I’ve only gotten around to doing He Got Game, I can’t have my only two classic movies be Spike Lee joints. The 25th Hour is to me what The Karate Kid is to Sports Guy for reasons that I can’t fully explain)

Grand Central Station: I spent the entire time here looking around for fat Italians in suits. I even thought about lying down on the escalator. Then I remember that I was good, as long as I didn’t try and get on a train. Thanks Carlito. For the record, I was highly amused that a fucking train station was a place someone wanted to visit. It does have nice architecture but at the end of the day, it’s still where you get on Metro North. (It’s also a key landmark for my main man Connecticut Pete. CP is my dad’s friend who’s an alcoholic with OCD. He lost his license for too many DUI’s so he has to take a train from Long Island to Connecticut. Because he’s OCD, he needs to finish a 6 pack before he gets to Grand Central. The man also makes about half a million dollars a year because he’s has the ability to direct oil tankers into docks, which is apparently a very difficult skill. Needless to say, he’s replaced Jordan as my newest idol.)

Bryant Park: They were having a holiday craft fair when we visited. Now this might sound very boring to the normal person. However, the normal person doesn’t laugh every time he sees something a sign saying, “Made in Colorado” in Bryant Park. Kobe!

Madison Square Garden: I steadfastly refused to show my daughter MSG. That’s how bad Isiah has been.

NY Public Library: Most people see this as a place of knowledge with as much information as anywhere else in the world. I see it as the opening scene in Ghostbusters. I kept looking for Harold Ramis to come running out.

Times Square: Since I had my daughter with me, we took her to the Toys R Us in Times Square because they have a Ferris wheel within the store. This was a great example of Barney luck. Each car on the wheel had a different toy. One was a Matchbox car one, another shaped like Mr. Potato Head, you get the idea. Not only did we end up in the My Little Pony car, this was actually predicted because of my luck.
On top of that, my 22 month old daughter managed to handle this ride better than I did. First off, I was able to control my fear of heights until she started to fidget around and I nearly had a panic attack. I wasn’t scared for myself, but for her. Combine that with the fact that the simply swaying when the wheel stop gave me motion sickness and it was a pretty embarrassing situation. In fact, my balance system is so fucked up at this point, I tried to show my daughter how to do a summersault and got dizzy.
Unfortunately, this ride will ruin my burgeoning rap career. At least if I do have a career (odds on that: 10,874,975 to 1), I can’t get in any beef. Because if I do, my career will be over when someone puts a picture of me in a My Little Pony car on that Summer Jam screen. It’s just too easy for someone to say, “I got the pictures, I’ve seen ya.”FAO Schwartz: Only I could subconsciously confuse the address of a toy store with the NBA store’s address. Needless to say, people were not too happy with me when we were standing on 52nd and 5th and there were no toys.

Rockefeller Center: If I hadn’t been at the end of my rope from doing tourist things, I would have had a lot more fun here. I could have gone up to someone working at the tree and asked, “Rockefeller died of AIDS, and that’s who you chose to name your center after?” (Bonus points for working in both sides of the Jay Z-Nas beef into a NYC tourist promotion) I also might have set the record for most times saying, “It’s the Roc,” if I already didn’t share that record with Floyd Banks during Luau 2005.
I wanted to go see Rockefeller Center in the morning but was over ruled because apparently tourists like to see Christmas trees at night. I wanted to sneak off to the crowd of The Today Show with my “FUCK YOU TIKI. WAY TO QUIT ON YOUR TEAMMATES” sign.

Besides that, just your normal trip to New York.

Monday Morning Hangover - Week 13

There will be no Hangover this week in honor of Sean Taylor, half-man, half beast.

In lieu of reading my dumbass comments, go to youtube now and search for video of him laying people out.

Monday Morning Hangover - Week 12

We’re back with a normal Monday Morning Hangover column. Let’s start off with the epic performance by my boy, Darren McFadden. Not only did he run for three TDs, he threw for a fourth. For most of the second half, he was the offense, taking half his snaps at QB. He even threw a 40 yard bomb because he felt like it.
Despite this, I still don’t think he deserves the Heismann. As soon as I thought, “Who else runs for TDs and throws for them?”, I immediately had an answer: Tebow. He has 20+ of each. So even I would have to give the nod to Timmy. That does not mean that I would take him before McFadden in the draft.

If Friday’s action wasn’t enough (both LSU and Arkansas were down to their final play before the 3rd OT began), Saturday kept it going. The Kentucky-Tennessee game was ridiculous. I would have more to say about the Kansas-Missouri and Auburn-Alabama but the second halves of both are kind of a haze induced by Jack, Henny, and 200 pound Spanish strippers blocking my view of the tv (Don’t ask…just another random Barney drinking story). Apparently, this will leave Missouri and West Virginia in the title game if both win this week.

I’m all for anything that gets WVa more publicity. Maybe ESPN can do a feature on couch burning. Interviews with Deion and Noel Devine discussing them living together (If Jillian Barbarie could do the interview that would be tremendous, considering she played Deion’s wife who had a HS player in a Nike commercial. In fact, this might be the greatest thing ever). I’m really hoping that either Pacman Jones or Chris Henry do the introductions for the Mountaineers. At the very least, I expect them and Kevin Pittsnoggle as the WVa sideline celebrities.

Sunday officially kicked off Christmas season in my mind. I don’t go by calendars or any other crap like that. I know its time to start looking for Christmas presents when the Giants have playoff hopes and start losing games to teams they should beat, losing mostly because of mental mistakes. Making Eli Manning jokes is what keeps me from punching people at the mall.

Tankapalooza 2007 Update:
I was a little too excited for the Arkansas-LSU game because it gave me a chance to scout both McFadden and Glen Dorsey. Dorsey’s been hurt, so I didn’t get a chance to see everything he has, but he did show heart in playing through the pain.
The Jets did their part. 34-3 losses are more like it. Unfortunately, the Rams fumbled a snap on 4th and goal from the 1 that could have given them the win. If that had happened, the Jets are locked in at # 2.
I’m also realizing that its very likely Miami will take McFadden. Ronnie Brown’s torn ACL didn’t help the Jets cause. Let’s hope that Killa Cam Cameron decides that Ricky Williams is a suitable backup.

Finally, prayers go out to Sean Taylor. His hits are one of the few reasons to watch the Redskins if Clinton Portis isn’t dressing up. This really doesn’t come as a surprise though. If you had asked me to guess which NFL player got shot, he would have been one of the first 5 I named. First Antoine Walker, then Eddy Curry, now Sean Taylor. If there’s not an Outside the Lines special on athletes getting robbed in the next two weeks, I’ll be surprised.

The Barney Interview

We’re starting a new feature here on The Barney Show: The Barney Interview. Here’s the format: 10 questions, answered by someone of my choice and myself answering the same question. Some will be ridiculous, on others, I’ll be Baxter and cut right to the core. This episode, we interview Brock:

How do you know Barney?
Brock: How don’t I know Barney is more the question? I don’t know how I know him. I was drinking heavily at the time and he was there. Albeit at the time he was not talking and just working out really hard in the locker room. And we were all wondering why his head was so small. The real answer is that we were quasi teammates in college. I say quasi, cuz I spent freshman year on the bench Kenyon Martin street clothes style. And Sophomore year never got started as I departed from the team after the first practice. I’ll leave it to the historians debate whether I quit or was kicked off, but I was no longer a party of Herbie’s Hellions.
Barney: Complete lies I tell you. I met Brock through an international pen pal program and he was assigned to me. We connected over shared interest of croquet and Russian line dancing. I was able to secure a visa for him via the State Department and rescued him and his family from a despotic regime. He repaid me by becoming a fan of “this crazy game American football,” in particular, of the Pittsburgh Steelers because it reminded him of the barren steel mills of his home country right before the 2004 playoffs.
What is your favorite football team and why shouldn’t I make fun of them?
Brock: Pittsburgh Steelers. The 2004 Divisional playoffs. Chad Pennington was your Q for all those years. Vinnie Testaverde was under center before that. Rich Kotite was your head coach. I could keep going but I’ll stop there before Barney’s liver raises a white flag….
Barney: I was going to mention that I like Hines Ward. And give Roethlisberger credit for his alleged college exploits. He allegedly set the goal for himself to nail every girl in a sorority. When someone asked him, “Even the fat ones?” he allegedly replied, “That’s part of the challenge.” In the immortal words of King Bunt, “I can respect that.” But since you made a Rich Kotite reference, I’ll be forced to show a picture of the Steelers mascot, Steely McBeam. I won’t even make a joke. They write themselves.

QED Motherfucker.

Complete this sentence: Never have I ever…
Brock: …spent an academic year hooking up with a redheaded sworn virgin until marriage with a lisp and a bad leather motorcycle jacket who was also a Broncos fan.
Barney: …come up with a response to that sentence that would give me some dignity, so I’ll take my loss like a man and cut my losses.

Who would emerge victorious in a three way steel cage death match: Chad Pennington’s shoulder, Ben Roethlisberger’s appendix or Barney’s brain?
Brock: I would say Benny’s appendix because it has actually been removed and if it made it to the ring, it would mean that it came back from the dead—Undertaker style….I just think Chad’s shoulder wouldn’t be able to throw a strong enough punch and Barne’s liver would just be too stiff to make any head room. It’d be like Andre the Giant minus any talent—kinda like that guy the Great Khali who’s in the WWF now.
Barney: I’d go with Chad Pennington’s shoulder. Here’s my plan. Instead of getting surgery done by Dr. James Andrews who knows what he’s doing, let’s go to a doctor in Chicago. It will be just like that movie “Rookie of the Year.” His shoulder will be tight and he’ll be throwing strikes from the bleachers. At this point, what do we have to lose with Chad’s arm?

If you were a member of Dip Set, which member would you be?
Brock: I would never be in the DipSet cuz I’d never have a pink Range. I’d be the guy who shot Cam.
Barney: Juelz Santana by default. Cam is like the Antoine Walker of rap. He could be so much more, but just wants to do things his own way. When Antoine was asked why he shoots so many 3’s, he said, “Because they don’t have any 4 point shots.” I can definitely see someone asking Killa Cam why he rides on 26s, and him saying, “Because they don’t have 27s.” I couldn’t be Jim Jones just because I couldn’t tell out “Flossin’” that much. Also, I’d be working on the form on my jump shots for the Ballin video. They wouldn’t be able to get to the video chicks.

Tell me a secret you’ve never told anyone else.
Brock: I still masturbate to Raquel Welch. I don’t give a fuck how old she is, that bitch is still hot.
Barney: I try to avoid bars in Georgetown. Not because they charge $8 a drink. Not because it has the highest concentration of guys in lavender polos in the world. Nope, it’s because I can’t walk into a bar there without wanting to say, “Who wants to sex Mutumbo?” Then I spend the rest of the night wondering why I didn’t say it and my night is ruined.

What was your favorite team in NBA Jam?
Brock: First response is the NYK— Ewing and Starks. But then when I think back and there’s the LJ and Zo combination and Shawn Kemp was a monster. I still have to roll with the Knicks though. Disclaimer: This is the Pre-Zeke Knicks. This is pre-LJ from the corner Knicks. This is pre-Spree Knicks. This is when the Knicks had tradition and I would love to have been in the Garden for it. Well the next best thing was playing NBA Jam.
Barney: I’d have to agree with Brock that Kemp was a beast. I wouldn’t be surprised if he could actually do NBA Jam dunks in real life. Plus, he was with the Glove. My other team was Golden State with T and C from Run TMC. There were a lot of threes going up during those games.

What’s in your version of heaven and hell?
Brock: I discovered my Hell this past Sunday. I have DirecTV Sunday NFL ticket. With my subscription I get the channel that shows 8 games at once. In one corner screen was Peyton Manning playing KC. On the screen next to it was Manning’s Priceless Peptalks commercial. On the screen next to that was his commercial with Marvin Harrison in the Dolphin tank. That is hell for THIS GUY. Hell pt. 2: driving down I-80 through Northern Pennsylvania cow pastures when you have to poop. If you think hearing water when you have to go number one, it’s 100x worse to have to make boom booms and smell nothing but cow dung for like 3 hours. Hell pt. 3: The Kevin Federline CD. In summation, my ideal hell is taking a car ride with Peyton Manning down I-80 with the K-Fed CD and a mean need to dookie. I mean what would you do then? [I bet Dante never factored any of this…] Heaven for me would be Stephon Marbury, Ron Artest, Hillary Clinton, OJ Simpson, post-jail sentence Mike Vick—with Marcus hanging out Johnny Drama style, Gary Busey, Sharon Stone and Michelle Rodriguez in the Mad Real World.
Barney: Heaven for me would be a normal life, but with bourbon in water fountains and no hangovers. Hell would be people doing the Soulja Boy dance in front of me while a tape of Dick Vitale narrating Sportscentury: JJ Reddick is playing in the background.

What should be written on yours and Barney’s epitaphs?
Brock: Mine—Only SAS needlessly yelled more than our beloved Brock.
Barney’s—Son, Brother, Friend, Illegitimate Father
Barney: Brock’s: If you want to make an omelet, you have to break some eggs.
Mine: 1982-2009. Guinness Book of World Records: World’s Hardest Liver

Give me your favorite Barney story (since I probably don’t remember it).
Brock: My favorite Barney story? I don’t know if I have a favorite since most of them end up with him assing out drunk leaving some “Awkward Looking Freshman Girl” wholly unsatisfied. I might have to go with Freshman year, night after a huge party and the entire team is hurting in the morning. We all saw Barnes leave with a chick the night before. On this particular morning, he’s the last one into the locker room and we all give him the ‘Heeeey buddy! How you feelin’?’ Barnes just sneaks a coy smile and beelines right to his locker. We were all just about to assume that he spent the entire night smashing the ALFG, when suddenly someone pipes up, ‘soooo—how’d it go?’ And the entire team focuses on Barnes to make sure his response is heard clearly. He looks up, sees all our faces and mutters, ‘I passed out.’ We all burst out in laughter and the tradition of the unsatisfied ALFG was born. Freshman girls—get ‘em while they’re skinny…
Barney: Yup, I don’t remember anything about this, except that morning. I don’t even know what year this was. Thanks for the memories.

J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets

The Jets may be 2-whatever. They may be unable to properly tank. But dammit, we can get some titties shown:

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/11/20/sports/football/20fans.html?_r=1&ref=sports&oref=slogin

Enjoy that. It will probably be the only time I ever link to the New York Times.

"Fuck the Times, I read The Post."

Monday Morning Hangover - Week 11

Even though he won’t win the Heisman this year, Dennis Dixon earned the “Bad Ass Mofo” award from The Barney Show this year. Him playing with a torn knee ligament and not telling anyone was my favorite moment of the college season that didn’t involve McFadden or announcers doing the Yayo dance. When I start the “Great Moment in Barney Injury History” segment, you’ll know why. He’ll be presented with this prestigious award later on. The ceremony will consist of a bottle of Jack and Henn Rock on every table and he will be presented with a replica of Jules’s wallet from “Pulp Fiction.” Woodson can do his Heisman dance all he wants; he’s got nothing on that wallet.

Tankapalooza 2007 Update:
Tankapalooza 2007 is crashing before it can even get off the ground. Though I’m not about to call it a waste just yet, beating the 3rd seed in the AFC is not what I had in mind when I started this campaign. To be fair, my ideal ending would have included Clemens taking them down the field, but having Pittsburgh winning in overtime. I guess if I’m asking to lose a certain way, I’m really asking for too much.
Though it did feel good to beat the Steelers. Only 99 more wins over them and it will make up for the loss inflicted by them in the 2005 playoffs (Fuck you Herm. I haven’t forgotten).

My favorite moment of the NFL games was Maurice Jones-Drew jacking up Shawn Merriman.

Other than that, I got nothing else to add for this week. I’ll be honest, I only watched about 12 minutes of football this week. I spent part of Saturday and all Sunday afternoon working. I turned on the Ohio St-Michigan before I realized it was Ohio St-Michigan and turned it off within 3 minutes. I know both teams suck. Why waste an hour or two proving it to me. In place of a half way decent week in review, I present this to you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POkyWhh3Ihw&eurl

Don’t say I never did anything for you.

Until next week, stay getting jacked up San Diego.

American Gangster the Album

It has been a week and a half plus since Jay’s “American Gangster” album came out. I’m sure you were looking for a rushed review from Barney (I’ve been told that “Barney?...The world needs his unbiased opinion.” While you’re mulling that over, allow me to bask in some sense of accomplishment before I stupefy you over these next one thousand words), but I’m glad I didn’t. First off, I couldn’t find the right way to present this. Secondly, I’m really glad I watched some stuff on his American Gangster concert on VH1 (the first time the words “gangster” and “VH1” have been combined). Seeing Hov talk about it in his own words gave me a better idea of how I wanted to write this (Being that it’s not every day that a good hip hop album comes out. If one does, I need to write about this carefully.). So on that note, I decided that a little 20 Questions would be the best way to approach Jay-Z’s “American Gangster”.

How would you describe this album?
As Hov said in all the press releases, this is a concept album, inspired by the movie “American Gangster” (See my earlier review. My skills with the English language are too poor to describe how I really feel.). And it’s just that. Jay writes from the mind frame of a big time hustler. Not the on the block guy, the millionaire with the mansion, the yachts…inspired by Frank Lucas.

So does this album achieve that “concept”?
In three words: “Hell fucking yes.” Jay basically takes us into the mind of a gangster, capo status and above. I didn’t realize this until I saw him talking about it, but it is in three parts: the rise, the enjoyment and the fall. You basically get the entire playbook on a guy moving weight.

Is “Pain in the Ass” on this album?
If you’re a Jay-Z fan, you know Pain in the Ass. He’s the guy who does his intros up until Roc La Familia. And he magically appeared on Kingdom Come. Unfortunately, he’s not on this album. Unless they hired him to do that gawd awful Russell Crowe impersonation on the intro. Matter of fact, let’s not rule that out.

How does this album relate to the movie?
To be honest, I couldn’t separate the two. I feel that this album is a perfect companion to the movie. It’s like the soundtrack that could have been. It captures the feelings and emotions of the movie and makes me appreciate the movie that much more (very hard to do. After listening to this album, I will definitely see them movie again. That’s how much these two go together.). As long as they don’t take “Ain’t No Love” out of the trailer. That song is a fucking classic.

What’s the vibe for this album?
Definitely the 70s, fits right in line with the movie. As a guy who loves soul samples on tracks (thank you Kanye), this is my shit. So if I’m biased, you know why.

Which song doesn’t fit this vibe?
“Ignorant Shit.” Despite the fact that it samples the Isley Brothers, it doesn’t fit in with the whole concept of the album. Don’t get me wrong, I love this song. It’s one of my favorite Jay tracks of all time. I just have a bit of a problem with putting a song that came out 3 years ago on an album, adding Beans and a new verse, and it disrupting the whole album. Still a great fucking song.

Who guest appears on this album?
Just Lil’ Wayne and Beanie Siegel, so you know you’re in good hands. And Beans only gets like 8 bars on Ignorant Shit. Beyonce and Kanye are in the background on a few songs.

Who should be the angriest about this album?
Memphis Bleek. Since Roc La Familia, he’s appeared on as many Hov tracks as Lenny Kravitz and some guy from Coldplay. Coldplay even got mic checked by Kanye, so I think he’s technically ahead. Memph even had to release a single by Hov on his own album. Good thing he’s in Shawn Carter’s will.
The bad thing is I like Memph man. I think he’s gotten a raw deal in that everyone compares him to Jay. I wouldn’t have minded a “Coming of Age Pt. III” on this. In fact, he could have been the TI character from the movie.

What song am I glad came out in 2007 as opposed to 2004?
Definitely “Roc Boys.” This would have cost me $500-$1000 if it came out 3 years earlier. I was already spending too much money on free booze for people to visit my room senior year of college. If “Roc Boys” came out in 2004, me and Floyd Banks would have called ourselves “Dope Boys of the Year” and provided a lot more drinks on the house. (Note: For those of you unfamiliar, Me and Floyd Banks lived in a room called “Rock Bottom” which got turned into “The Roc” in about 3.4 seconds (as long as it took me to put the Roc La Familia album cover on the door with the diamond in the air)). There would have been a lot more freshman girls getting drunk under the poster that said, “Freshman girls, get ‘em while they’re still skinny.” (Oh irony, I missed you. Freshman girls getting drunk under a poster that tells them they’ll be discarded as soon as they become sophomores. On a related note, I really miss college.)

Wait a second. Aren’t you paying close to $700 a month in child support and health care for one of those freshman girls that you impregnated?
Touché Mr. Questionnaire. I am. I guess $500-$1000 in alcohol seems rather pedestrian in hindsight.
This is your eventual lawyer talking. Do you want to amend that statement?
Yes I do. All joking aside, I’d pay $7000 a month if I had to. My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Are you ever going to get back to talking about this album or is it just going to morph into another depressing monologue like most Barney episodes become?
Alright Mr. Questionnaire, I’ve had about enough of your shit. Let’s get back to reviewing the album.

What’s the worst song on the album?
“I Know” easily. It took me a week to figure out that this was a metaphor for heroin. Plus it sounds like something that got taken out of Blueprint 2.

What’s your favorite track on the album?
I’d have to go with “Success”. This one speaks to me because I too am semi-successful (no I’m not), but wish I weren’t. “Truth be told, I had more fun when I was piss poor,” not a truer sentence has been uttered. I’m not quite at the point where I have cars that I don’t bring out (I drive a Chevy fuckin’ Lumina for fuck’s sake), but I do feel the whole “I’m where I thought I wanted to be, but now that I’m here, I don’t want to be here” vibe. Believe me, I think this every day at work when I’m given an assignment because people know I’m competent and know it will get done.

What is it about Eminem that screws up classic Hov albums?
With The Blueprint, one could argue that Em got Jay on his own track (Nas did. I’ll argue that it was a track that Em was going to do with someone else (Royce Da 5’9” I believe) that he gave to Jigga. Plus that track was suited for Em’s forte, playing the outcast. Jay…not so much his forte.
On this album, Jay takes Em’s line from “I’m Back” about success. I have no answer for this one.

Is there a # 1 single on this album?
Absolutely not. There is no song on this album that has a catchy chorus or a dance that can be done on command. Since it has none of these, the general public will not embrace a single. America is dumb sometimes and I often wonder why the terrorists haven’t won yet. A catchy hook to “Allah is Great” would have 90% of America dancing in the fucking street.

Ok Barney, enough with you Neo-Con rant. I’ll let that slide and give you a question that’s right up your alley. What basketball team does this album remind you of?
I’d have to go with the 2003-2005 Pistons in that the sum is greater than its parts. Individually you have a half crazy power forward with a propensity to shoot threes, a undersized center with no offensive game whatsoever, a shooting guard who weighs about a buck fity, a point guard on his third or fourth team, and a small forward who even skinnier than your shooting guard. None of these guys are going to the Hall (Unless I start a Barney Hall of Fame, in which case Sheed is a first ballot case), yet they won a championship. Why? Because the sum is greater than the parts.
Jay had the right idea when banning iTunes from selling singles. Any song on its own is good but not great. Put them together and it makes a lot more sense, and sounds a whole hell of a lot better.

How has this album enhanced “American Gangster” the movie?
Remember that scene where TI tells Denzel that he doesn’t want to try out for the Yankees, he wants to sell dope. If it wasn’t for Jay, we wouldn’t have known that Denzel goes to his room and cries after hearing that. It got taken out of the move. It makes sense now, because that scene in the movie seemed to be lacking a conclusion. “Wait, Frank just lets his nephew turn down a contract with the Yankees? Why?”

How would you rate this album overall?
Great to border line classic. It’ll take another year or so to figure out if it’s a classic. If I’m still bumping it at that time it is.
The toughest thing about this album is like I said in the previous question. Songs on their own are good to great. Together it’s a different story. For the entire album (except for Ignorant Shit) you feel like you’re talking to a drug dealer. The highs, the lows and everything in between. There’s really nothing that I can compare it to. The closest I can do is “Ready to Die” in that for the entire album you’re mesmerized by this one person’s point of view, and both are interrupted by the same Isley Brother’s sample of “In the Sheets.” I’m not saying that its Ready to Die good, but its one of the few albums that gets you absolutely in tune with one person (in this case semi-fictional), and you reach an understanding on their point of view.

Where does this rank of Jay’s album list?
Let’s be honest. Hov isn’t competing against other rappers at this point. This album won’t be compared to anyone else, only his own. The question always becomes is this better than “Reasonable Doubt”, “The Blueprint”, and Vol. 2 (over rated in my opinion, but that’s another Barney Show episode). At this point, I’d rate it 3rd behind Reasonable Doubt and Blueprint, with The Black Album right on its heals. The only reason Blueprint gets the nod is that it has 2 songs that are absolute classics to this day (U Don’t Know, and Ain’t No Love). I don’t think there are 2 songs that six years from now I’ll be saying, “Yeah, ‘Success’ is that shit. Even today.”
The Black Album might even pass it. Like I said earlier, I’ll need at least a year to determine how great this album is. This whole ‘sum of its parts’ thing may be different at that time.

Alright, if this was a class in Describing Things in the English Language I think I would have passed with like a 68. I need to stop writing about great things and focus on drinking stories, which I’m good at. And on that note, go buy “American Gangster” if you haven’t already.

The Fuckin' PoPo

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/11/15/confiscated.whiskey.ap/
I'm normally a man all for law and order in this country. But this is taking it too far. The whiskey didn't hurt anyone. At least donate it to the local homeless shelter. Don't waste it. Don't they know there's a thirsty person writing this blog at 8:26 AM. Bastards.
If there's an auction, maybe I should attend. It seems like my life is heading in the direction where uttering the phrase, "Yeah, can't make it, I'm attending a whiskey auction," won't surprise anyone.

Quick Ron Ron Update

A belated Happy Birthday goes out to Ron Artest. He turned 28 on Tuesday. He's also returning to the line up after serving his 7 game suspension.
I'm even more excited about this season for my boy after finding out he's been working with The Rifleman (Chuck Person for those of you who didn't spend insane amounts of time following the NBA in the mid-90's). If there's one thing Ron Ron needs, its someone who's always ready to pull the trigger. QB Motherfuckers.
http://www.sacbee.com/100/story/489979.html

Despite this, Stephon Marbury and the Knicks effectively wrapped up this years championship. I'm going to wait to see how this all plays out to write about it, but they're the NBA's version of the Patriots. It's not a question of if they'll win it, but by how much and if this one will be one for the history books.

American Gangster

So it’s taken me a week to get around to reviewing “American Gangster” the movie. In my defense, I had planned on possibly seeing it a second time to get a better feel for how good it was (see the sacrifices I make for you, the reader), but instead took a two and a half hour nap. So we’re going on my memory of a week ago (hooray concussions!).
After seeing it once, I think “American Gangster” can be considered one of the classics of the genre. It had a lot of elements of “Heat” in that you’re actually rooting for the hero and the anti-hero at the same time. Frank Lucas had that Michael Corleone vibe to him: cool and calm most of the time, that could turn into a violent streak in a second if you fucked with him.
“American Gangster” went more into the business side of the drug game than any movie before it. I loved the scene where Lucas is talking to Nicky Barnes about his “brand name”. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m reading BusinessWeek all the time and the Wall Street Journal but this stuff really appealed to me. The cutting the market price with a superior product. Integrating your supply chain. It could have been any business, except this one was heroin.
And plus we also had the most underrated scene you can have in a drug movie: the one where they show them cutting up the product. You know why I love these scenes? Because you’re guaranteed to see titties. I think this should be mandatory in every drug movie. Because who doesn’t like to see people working half naked?
The one thing I could have done without? The needle scenes. For some reason a doctor can do anything to me (Need to burn my skin so you can do stitches? Sure. Going to re-locate my finger with no anesthetic? That’s fine. Electroscan my head? Think I give a fuck?), but if I have to witness any blood, needles, etc. on other people, I freak out. That’s why being a doctor was out of the question for me. So if my mom ever tells me that if I became a doctor, my brothers would have followed (a la Mrs. Lucas) I can tell her why I didn’t and why I decided heroin sales was a better career move.
The best thing I can say about this movie is that at two and a half hours, it almost seemed too short. I didn’t like how they just wrapped everything up at the end, like, “oh, he put away half the NYPD SIU.” I thought they could have gone more in depth on that.
They’re this lady that I work with who has gotten all into the actual Frank Lucas stuff as I have. She’s all into how he grew up: the KKK killing his cousin for looking at a white woman, him being on a chain gang, him escaping jail. I’ve been more into him afterwards. How the detective who chased him down because his defense attorney. How the two of them are friends to this day. So with that I’m presenting the best idea The Barney Show will probably ever have:
A sequel. Not just any sequel, a Godfather II style sequel. Two stories in one movie. One is him in North Carolina, the shit he saw down there that hardened him. Him in Harlem driving Bumpy Johnson around. The other part, him and the detective bringing down half of NYPD. His appeals. Them kicking it at Frank’s house in 2003. Tell me you wouldn’t watch that. If any studio is reading this (odds: 1,000,000 to 1. “So you’re saying there’s a chance?”) feel free to take this idea. I don’t want any money off of this idea, just make this movie and I’ll be happy enough.
I’ll try and watch “American Gangster” again and put it in its proper perspective. But for now, just know that it’s a definite Barney Classic.

Tankapalooza 2007

With the Jets on a bye week, I’d like to welcome everybody to the kickoff party of Tankapalooza 2007. This shouldn’t be confused with Tankapalooza 2005. No, this is a whole new campaign to convince my J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets that winning doesn’t matter anymore: getting a high draft pick matters. I’m hoping every game going forward is a close one. Clemens takes them for the go ahead score at the two minute warning every week. And for the next 7 weeks, the other team marches down the field to win in the closing seconds. That’s the best of both worlds: Clemens gets confidence, shows he’s the QB of the future, and we get a nice juicy top pick come April.
Now some of you may be discouraged by Tankapalooza 2005’s results. Sure the Jets forgot what they were playing for and won two out of their last 4 games. And this ended up with not Reggie Bush or Vince Young (who just wins football games) but an Offensive Tackle (Oh, irony, you are cruel sometimes. It was the coach who’s name I won’t speak’s motto that you “Play to win the games.” But it was this mantra that ended up with two December wins and the man who personifies this saying getting picked one slot ahead of the Jets).
But this year, with your support, we can get it through Mangini’s head to make some interesting calls. Flea flicker on the 5 yard line, sure, go for it. My only concern is the New England game. That has the potential to set so many records (highest point spread, largest margin of victory, most injuries) that I’m afraid to watch it. Other than that let’s look at the remaining games to tank:

Pittsburgh – Easy loss. Though I’d like to not lose this game because Mangini decides that a 40 yard field goal is close enough
@ Dallas – Another easy loss.
@ Miami – This becomes the game of the year. Jets, you’re currently sitting on the # 2 pick with St Louis’ win. A loss here, and you might move up to # 1. The biggest game remaining on the schedule. Hopefully Dallas can injure enough players so that we won’t have to throw this game outright.
Cleveland – They’ve shown some moxie lately. Just to be sure, maybe Clemens get “sick” this week, so we can have Chad throwing in the Meadowlands, in December with a 4:15 start. Cleveland will probably play 10 men in the box if this happens.
@ New England – See above. Possibly the highest point spread ever. Not even factoring in the revenge issue.
@ Tennessee – The Titans should still be in the playoff hunt. Hopefully someone will remind them that the Jets wore terrible throwback jerseys and called themselves the Titans as well, earlier in the season. This should provide enough motivation to Tennessee.
Kansas City – I KC is still in the playoff hunt, I would be willing to accept a win if it keeps the man we won’t mention out of the playoffs. Depends where we’re sitting in the draft.

So there you have it. 7 games, with only 3 winable games. We can do this.
So there’s the plan for Tankapalooza 2007. The reward? Darren fucking McFadden. Yes, the best player in America right now. Did you see his 320 something performance against South Carolina? How about against Alabama where he put his team on his back? Did I mention he can throw the ball farther than the quarterback who started the season for the Jets? I might lose my mind if this happens. (I will also be willing to accept Glen Dorsey. Lord knows our run defense needs help. And Dorsey is a beast.)
And if you think I’m playing around with how serious I am about this, consider this Saturday. I had an invitation to go meet up with a friend at a bar called “McFadden’s”. I will not go to this bar for fear that by going there, I will jinx things (see my discussion about Peterson during week 10). That is serious my friends. Me turning down a bar invitation requires a lot. I will turn down bars for the next two months if it means having Darren McFadden and his Fred Flintstone Halloween outfit wearing the green and white for the next 15 years. The plan has been set Mangini. Don’t fuck it up. Tankapalooza 2007. Catch it.

Monday Morning Hangover - Week 10

I did just wake up from a nap, so there’s a 3% chance this didn’t happen, but I’m pretty sure I just saw that its now a tradition to play House of Pain in between the 3rd and 4th quarters. Ok, it’s true, they just made a mention of it on the broadcast. Between that and them making an arrest of students having sex in the stadium bathroom, Camp Randall might be a place I’d like to visit. Currently, it’s the only thing keeping me from writing an episode entitled “Why the Big Ten Should Be Taken Out Back and Shot Old Yeller Style.” And by shot, I mean moved to D2. I wasn’t prepared for the entire ESPN crew doing Jumping Around as well. And definitely not prepared for the announcer to do the Tony Yayo dance (this actually happened). I’m not gifted enough with the English language to properly describe that moment. (Unfortunately, ESPN did not show Erin Andrews jumping around. Bastards.)

While I have your attention (I’m sure it’ll start wandering soon. There’s only so long I can keep this up without the aid of Irish rap groups), this might be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen:http://www.jamphat.com/rap/
Yes, that is entitled “Rap represented in mathematical charts and graphs.” In the words of Lisa Simpson, “I like graphs.” My favorites were the “Halfway Crooks” pie chart and the “Can I Get A…” flowchart.

Thank you Wisconsin and Illinois for defeating Michigan and Ohio St to prevent me from a week of hype on a game of two average teams and having to root for a team that lost to a I-AA team to go to the BCS to prevent Ohio St from going to the National Championship. I really like Illinois, only because they have a quarterback named Juice. It takes a lot for a football player to go with that name after OJ. Also, after every first down he got, I said in the Sam Jackson beer voice, “Juice…that was a good one.” Note that I was watching this game by myself. Graphs and Chapelle Show jokes. That’s all I really need to be happy.

If it were any other week, UGA the dog trying to bite someone on national tv would be my most unlikely moment of the week, but the I Can’t Feel My Face by a 50 year old white man dancing to “Jump Around” will not be topped unless Chad Johnson forces himself on a cheerleader to celebrate a touchdown this week in front of 75,000 people. By the way, Georgia just wrapped it up, and Knowshon Moreno is doing his thing again.

Motherfucker. I watched NASCAR for 20 minutes waiting for them to go over to the Miami-Virginia game. Apparently, The U invited all its former players back to run out the tunnel with them. This was must see TV on the chance that Michael Irvin was there. Or if any of them came out in combat fatigues (that would have beaten the Yayo dance). Unfortunately, there was a caution or a crash or something, so the race ran late and didn’t show it.

FUUUUUUCKKKK. ESPN got that duechebag Tiki Barber to announce Virginia’s starting line up. I’ll stick around just to see who Miami gets to announce their starters. C’mon Shockey. Dammit, its Russell Maryland.
Speaking of Shockey, that leads to a drunk Barney story. One time we were at a bar in Hoboken and someone made a comment about Jeremy. Me, having a few drinks in me and still experiencing post concussion syndrome was about to go off about how he was over rated he was. I didn’t know he was sitting right next to us. Anyway, I didn’t say anything. In hindsight, I think that was a good idea.
http://www.nypost.com/seven/11072007/gossip/pagesix/shockey_hassler_gets_a_beating_887673.htm
The best part is that he left the donnybrook by boat. Who say’s Jeremy Shockey isn’t classy?

As for this weeks NFL action, I was once again reminded that as soon as I think I have an idea of what’s going on in this league, I have no fuckin’ idea what to expect. I think I picked three games right this week. My famous betting rule, “Never bet on a team where the head coach’s son went to court for smuggling drugs in his rectum” went to shit.

I also appreciated that I had a discussion with Brock before the 1 o’clock games about Adrian Peterson being injury prone. And what happens? Of course he gets hurt. If its serious, bye bye any chance of making a late season fantasy run.

I missed the Giants melt down because of handling baby mama issues. I really think she calls during games because she knows I’m not doing anything. At least she had the common courtesy to call me directly after the Pats/Indy game last week. A call during the game would have been ignored. I think that would have held up in court. Rooting against Tony Romo in a courtroom 90 miles from Texas Stadium would not have. (And all you have to worry about is the spread. I have to consider the ramifications of every phone call I get and how they’ll hold up in a custody suit. No wonder I can’t pick a game right anymore.)

That’s it for this week. Hopefully Purple Jesus can heal his own sprained knee.

(Yes, I know this is getting posted on Sunday night. This is what I can do when sober all weekend. It's crazy I know.)

NBA Preview - Western Conference

As promised, we’re back with the Western Conference preview of hilarity (even though it’s a week late). We’ll start in the least funny division of all, the Southwest:
Southwest
1. Hornets – 3.5
This is based purely on the 1% chance of them resigning Chris Andersen.

2. Grizzlies – 3
At first I was going to put them dead last in the NBA and just say that they’ll be a lot funnier come Christmas time when someone receives a Rudy Gay jersey from me. But then I remembered they signed Darko over the summer, so that automatically gave them 2 points.

3. Rockets - 3
They let go of Van Gundy who was always good for a decent quote or two. We’re now down to jokes about Yao’s favorite food being snakes and about Skip stabbing people.

4. Spurs – 2.5
Popovich will make a few snide remarks. Other than that, we can just laugh at how pussy whipped Tony Parker is. Also, at his French rap video.

5. Mavs - 2
Hey, Avery Johnson has a funny voice, let’s all do it! If this was a fun index, Dallas would be higher, because according to Avery, despite losing in the first round, Dallas fans had the most fun they’ve ever had.

Northwest
1. Sonics - 5
Based strictly on the Robert Swift Experience (that’s what I’m referring to it from now on). I can’t wait for it. He could LeBron the Sonics into the Finals based on his potential. I’ll put the Sonics in the middle of the pack…for now.

2. T’Wolves - 5
They have Antoine Walker jacking up threes to his hearts delight and Mark Madsen coming off the bench. I’m intrigued.

3. Nuggets – 4.5
I’m sure the way Melo ruins his All Star selection will be hilarious (running from a fight at MSG, getting caught with weed in a “friends” back pack, Stop Snitchin DVD). I’m prepared for anything at this point. Plus the ongoing battle between AI and K-Mart for lead in most tats.

4. Portland - 3.5
Greg Oden and his dog Charles Barkley McLovin would have put them as the division favorites. Hopefully his rehab will be entertaining. Instead, we’ll just have to rely on Darius Miles and his ridiculous car. Other than that, the Jailblazers have fallen hard.

5. Jazz - 2
Ummm…I got nothing. What about you?

Pacific
1. Warriors - 9.5
The Warriors take the lead in the toughest division in the NBA. The Warriors a favored here for not resting on their laurels this off season (I think that’s the first time that’s phrase has been used in an NBA preview). Stephen Jackson got a tat of hands in prayer…holding a gun. He’s praying he’ll never have to use his gun again. In a related not, Mr. Jackson is now a captain of this team. Matt Barnes got a few more tattoos. And Baron Davis started a book club (I’m not making this up either). With Nellie drinking Bud Lights at press conferences, the favorites this season.

2. Kings - 9
Ron Artest will still be Ron Artest. You cannot underestimate that man. Plus they have Reggie Theus coaching this year who apparently thinks he’s coaching a high school team and won’t allow his players to talk on cell phones on team buses and flights. I can see this ending well. I won’t make a Reggie appearing on “Hang Time” joke, but many others will. Plus they added SPENCER HAWES, who has a “God Bless George Bush” bumper sticker. Just a random bunch of people assembled. Hopefully, hilarity will ensue.

3. Lakers - 7
A large part of this is because of the fact that Luke Walton’s dad is named Bill. When there were rumors of Luke dating Britney Spears, I entertained myself for 2 hours thinking of words of fatherly wisdom from Bill about Ms. Spears. (examples: “Luke, that vag is horrrrrible.” “As the wise John Wooden once said to me, ‘Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool.’”) If I ever get stuck on a desert island, this is the game I’m going to play to keep me sane. Hopefully, Luke can find some other Hollywood starlet to be connected with so I can play this game again.

4. Suns - 4
If Amare gets hurt again, hopefully he can continue to wear his Brooklyn hipster outfits. Other than that, not too much going on here.

5. Clippers - 2.5
Between Shaun Livingston’s knee injury and Elton Brand’s Achilles, I just can’t make jokes. Chris Kaman jokes are still ok though.

1st Round of the Playoffs
Golden St. vs. Phoenix – Baron Davis wears a fedora with a bullet attached to it before Game 1 of this series. That’s all it takes. It’s over before they even take the court.
Sacramento vs. Denver – Sacramento is taken for all it can handle. K-Mart shows off his heart and “Bad Ass Yellow Boy” tat which inspires Denver. Ron Ron get suspended for a couple games for slapping Melo (he wasn’t worthy of a punch). In the end, Mike Bibby’s ridiculous leg tattoo is enough for the Kings to sneak by.
Seattle vs. T’Wolves – Robert Swift is a one man wrecking crew. He shuts down Walker on the perimeter and demands that speed metal bands get some time on the PA system. Kevin Durant laughs at Longhorn possessions where DJ Augustin has the ball for the entire 35 seconds.
Los Angeles vs. New Orleans – New Orleans is determined as a product of the Southwest division. The fact that the Lakers won’t trade Andrew freakin’ Bynum is hilarious enough.

2nd Round:
Golden St. vs. Seattle – Stephen Jackson laughs at Robert Swifts tattoos. Matt Barnes does too. This one is over before it begins.
Sacramento vs. Los Angeles – Unless Kobe’s wife runs into Karl Malone hunting for Mexicans the Lakers don’t have a chance. I’m guessing he’s holed up on a ranch somewhere, so Sacramento advances.

Conference Championship:
Golden St vs. Sacramento – The two powers of the Western Conference go at it in a classic. These two leave nothing on the floor. S-Jax starts doing the “shooter” thing that Shooter McGavin did in Happy Gilmore. Ron Artest drops a mixtape during the series. Reggie Theus does a “The More You Know” public service announcement denouncing Nellie’s Bud Lights during press conferences. Unless Ron Ron comes up with a heroic performance, I gotta go with the Book Club Warriors to the finals. I imagine this is the week the discuss Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War”. There’s no way that book isn’t part of their book club reading list.

NBA Championship:
Golden St. vs. New York – An epic match up between two different teams. One is hilarious and entertaining in a good way, the other in a bad way (sexual harassment suits are fun, but someone did have sex with Steph’s cousin in a truck). I’m forecasting another Knicks sex scandal at some point (most likely Z-Bo), which will catapult the Knicks to the championship. If they can trade David Lee at some point, it’s a lock (can you tell I want more playing time for him).

FYI…No Monday Morning Hangover this week (I know you were eagerly anticipating it, too). I was going to put up my thoughts while watching the Indy-NE game, but at halftime I realized they sucked. I made one fairly obvious joke about Aaron Moorehead’s last name. Insert your own punchline. I’ll save you 5 minutes of reading. I did want to note that McFadden and Felix Jones dressed up as Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble for Halloween and then went out and ran for 500+ yards against South Carolina.

NBA Preview-Eastern Conference

Wow, is it late October already? With my 60 hour work weeks and rampant alcoholism, it just snuck up on me. Anyway, since I refuse to do an NBA preview when the best player in the game’s status still isn’t decided, let’s do something I’m more comfortable with. NBA team previews on hilarity. Let’s start in the Atlantic:

Atlantic:
1. Knicks – 8.5 (out of 10 on the hilarity scale)
Let’s face it, the Knicks are one of the favorites this year. They’re only problem is that they might have peeked too soon, like the preseason. A lot of skeptics are saying it will be tough to beat the offseason sexual harassment lawsuit but I’m not so sure. You’ll have the fact that the coach likes to call people “bitches” so that won’t get old for awhile. Interns will be given the night off when the Knicks come to town. The X factor here really is Zach Randolph. Can he take the Knicks to the next level? They’ve been a chronic disappointment without him. Can he get a sexual assault case to really push them over the edge? My guess is no, but pencil him in for a few visits to Scores that make Page 6.
2. Toronto – 4.5
They’re players are really unfunny. You could make a few Canadian jokes, but those don’t last too long. Sam Mitchell’s band of coaching zaniness needs to really step up this year if Toronto’s going to have any chance to compete.
3. Celtics - 3.5
Nothing really too funny here, except that when either one of the Big 3 get hurt, Sports Guy will bitch about the Celtics being cursed while the Red Sox and Patriots raise they’re championship banners and BC licks the wounds off they’re drubbing in a bowl game against the SEC. Tommy Heinson and Brian Scalabrine keep them out of the cellar.
4. Nets – 3
The Nets and Celtics will be neck and neck this year as numerous Jason Kidd groping jokes will be made. Large head jokes about his child aren’t funny any more. Marcus Williams laptop jokes, as well as weed jokes about their # 1 pick are.
5. 76ers – 1.5
More pathetic than funny. Could be a dark horse if Philly fans decide to torch the arena.

Central
1. Pistons - 6
Only because of Sheed. I thought people named “Flip” would be a little more funny, but I guess I was wrong.
2. Bucks – 5.5
The sleeper in the east. They have a 7 foot Chinese guy who didn’t want to go to Milwaukee because he didn’t think there were enough hot women there. You have Andrew Bogut returning back after spending the summer telling Australian newspapers that all NBA players care about it cars and jewelry. And finally, you have the go to prowess of Charlie Villanuava’s eyebrows. Could surprise some teams. Don’t forget they have Spree’s yacht parked somewhere in the general vicinity.
3. Cavs - 4.5
Damon Jones is always good for one ridiculous story every year (though it’s usually pathetic). Other than that, it’s numerous jokes about LeBron’s supporting cast. Hopefully Drew Gooden can bring back his ducktail haircut.
4. Pacers – 2
Mike Dunleavy Jr is always good for a laugh. They’re just not the same without Ron Ron and Stephen Jackson. Maybe Jermaine O’Neal can go back to playing pick up at the Y. His blocks were quite hilarious.
5. Bulls – 1.5
They’re only comedic potential is if Joakim Noah tears his knee up Shaun Livingston style, because I will laugh my ass off at him. It’s been 4 years since I found out about Luol Deng’s trip to NYU after a Duke game at the Garden to find white women, and frankly, I think that joke has run its course.

Southeast
1. Wizards – 9.5
Gilbert Arenas is the rare NBA player that can be hilarious without getting arrested. Most NBA players can get away with one really funny thing a year and get suspended for it. Gilbert just goes online and posts about paintball fights or goes off a trampoline at the all star game. He never gets in actual trouble, so he’s not only the funniest right now, but most consistent. DeShawn Stevenson decided to give himself the nickname “Mr. 50” not because he scored 50 or anything like that. No, because his field goal percentage was above 50%. Other than that, he’s got his name and number tattooed on his back just in case he forgets his jersey or something like that. Plus, his myspace page offered 10 stacks (or “to you ignorant motherfuckers $10,000”), to anyone who could get him Lindsay Lohan’s phone number. Needless to say, despite his denials that it was his myspace page, he’s moved up the Barney rankings.
Finally, they have Andray Blatche who was arrested for soliciting a prostitute this summer. Really? NBA players need to pay for sex? I thought Starbury established that all you need is a truck to ask them to get into. Even more ridiculous is that he was arrested at Dupont Circle. That place has like 2 Starbucks on opposite ends of the circle so people don’t have to walk around.
2. Heat – 8.5
The Heat made the biggest off season move in picking up Ricky Davis. Him in South Beach after years stuck in Minnesota might be the key to putting them over the top. Smush Parker could be a sleeper (I know from personal experience because he hit me in the nuts with a three inch chain that could have been used in the Anchorman fight. You need a wild card like that). You know what you’re getting in White Chocolate. It all really depends on how Shaq and Wade handle being newly single. Shaq quoted Tony Montana when he was traded to the Heat about Miami (“It’s just one big…”), let’s see if he follows through with that promise. If not, he’ll have to make a few random arrests throughout the season (possibly on Ricky Davis). I’d feel better about this team if Miami was hosting the Super Bowl again.
3. Magic – 6.5
First, there are the numerous jokes you can make about Rashard Lewis’ contract. Then there’s this guy:

See even token blonde chicks give this guy the finger. What a douche bag outfit he has on too. No matter what happens in life, I will always have JJ Reddick getting a tattoo with his grandma to fall back on. Hedo Turkoglu is always good for a few jokes as well.
4. Atlanta – 3.5
Insert random joke about they’re crowd here. Acie Earl IV might be the answer at point guard so that one could go.
5. Charlotte – 1.5
With Bad Mustache/Crying Adam Morrison gone for the year, I don’t see the Bobcats making an impact unless they start to release MJ’s blackjack stories.

Playoffs:
No. 1 Washington vs. No. 8 Cleveland
Gilbert and random guys who came to install his tv are given paintball guns and go to town on the King. If only Cleveland could sign gay ass Brady Quinn to a 10 day contract. Washington moves on.
No. 2. New York vs. No. 7 Toronto
New York convinces David Lee this is a real game and he averages 43 rebounds per game through out the series. Meanwhile, the Garden plays continuous clips of Marbury’s tv show, while Isiah just laughs at the franchise he nearly destroyed. New York moves on.
No. 3 Miami vs. No. 6 Milwaukee
Upset of the year right here. Officer Shaq imposes law & order on his team in an attempt to win one final championship. Yi Jainlian playing 20 minutes a night as a promise to the Chinese government backfires and hilarity ensues as the Bush administration is reluctant to step in despite this and lead paint in toys. Milwaukee moves on in a stunner.
No. 4 Detroit vs. No. 5 Orlando
Sheed goes back to his normal post season soundtrack of “Both Teams Played Hard.” The series is over immediately afterwards.

Round 2:Washington vs. Detroit
“Both Teams Played Hard” is no match for “My swag was phenomenal.” The Wizards win this one in an easier series than expected.
New York vs. Milwaukee
Nate Robinson, underutilized throughout the year, tries to throw an alley-oop to himself off the backboard in traffic that ultimately wins this series.
Eastern Conference Championship.
Washington vs. New York
Political vs. Economic power square off. An awful matchup for Washington since Gilbert has already admitted he thinks Starbury is crazy, which is saying a lot. Blatche’s hooker exploits are matched and exceeded by Randolph’s stripper exploits. With Arenas neutralized, Nate Robinson proves to be the X factor by starting a fight with Brendan Haywood. Haywood, accustomed to fighting teammate Etan Thomas everyday in practice is ill prepared for this height differential and Nasty Nate is able to slip in a low blow for the win. This occurs in late May/early June as scores of college summer interns flood Manhattan for a party that is not soon forgotten.

Up next…the West.