A Barney Christmas

In honor of the season, here’s something Christmas related: Barney’s Guide to Presents. It’s really not a guide at all, just one suggestion and then how me and my brother handle Christmas. Anyway, if I can give you one piece of advice it’s on wrapping presents. Every year I win the award for worst job wrapping presents. I might be the worst in the world. I give it a good try every year, but I’ve accepted that I have no talent what so ever with this. Anyway, I’ve come to realize that this is a good thing. My shitty wrapping job lowers everyone’s expectations. People are so floored by the debacle that is their gift that they expect nothing less than a lamp that looks like a leg. Half the time, they look at you like you’re so pathetic and are amused by the fact that you actually bought them something. So when they get something that’s actually good, they’re pleasantly surprised. So my advice to you (and honestly, when do I not give you good advice?) is to lower expectations by doing a shitty wrapping job and thus inflating the value of your gift.
And on to the part that you’ve been waiting for (can I add excitedly?): me and my brother’s continued attempt to mock Christmas. This all started back when we were in high school. We were broke so anything we did get each other wouldn’t be good anyway (being broke and sarcastic is never a good combination around Christmas). So we took it a step further and decided to buy each other the most random gifts we could find. Thus a noble tradition was started. Let’s look at some of the gifts my brother has received over the years:A random assortment of goods from a hardware store. This included a brass # 4 that could be put on a house to show the address (very useful considering our address was 97), and butt splicers (electrical equipment). Just saying butt splicers brings a smile to my face.
A random assortment of good from a dollar store. Not only a dollar store, but a dollar store going out of business. J-Man got a bunch of crap that included spices from the Caribbean and a bag with a dollar sign on it. He got 24 gifts and I spent less that $9.
You Got Served on DVD. I didn’t just give him the DVD. I had an act to go with it. Here’s how it went:J-Man: Thanks Barney, You Got Served. A real classic.
Barney: I know, it’s a terrible movie. And because I’m not that cruel, here’s the receipt to return it for a DVD you want (start handing him the receipt).
Barney: (Rip receipt in half) Oh no, you’re stuck with it now. Looks like you got served.
J-Man: (completely speechless)

That one will never be topped. NEVER. That was probably the funniest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’m not one to brag much (and this isn’t dripping with sarcasm like everything else I write), but that was damn near genius. So on one hand, it’s hilarious, but on the other, you know that you’ve already maxed out what you can do on the comedy scale, which isn’t to reassuring considering I write this blog to be somewhat funny.

As a follow up to that, last year, J-Man got himself a Kevin Federline CD. But the album hadn’t come out yet. So I burned the first single onto a disc and made the album cover myself. The linear notes went something along the lines of “Very few artists have been able to capture the skill and versatility that Mr. Federline possesses.” You’ve heard me ramble before (no Barney, you rambling? Never heard it? You only wrote 500 words on that ridiculous dream you had with Lindsay Lohan. It could have easily been 2000). Basically it was 500 words on Kevin Federline talent written in words that should be used by John Facenda. I’d rate this a solid follow up to the You Got Served one.

So what’s J-Man getting this year? Not so fast my friend. I’m not giving that one away. I was going to get him a Rudy Gay jersey, but the NBA store doesn’t have it, the rat bastards. You’ll find out in January when J-Man gets it. I’m spending Christmas in Texas. I’ll be back next week with a ridiculous summary of that which you can feel free to ignore. Very unlikely that I do a Monday Morning Hangover this week, so you’ll need to get your football information from other websites like you normally do. My website consists of very little insight into football.
So enjoy your Christmas. I hope you and your loved ones can come together and make a manger Ricky Bobby style, with baby Jesus sitting in his crib watching Baby Einstein videos, learning about shapes and colors. I personally prefer to picture him as a mischievous badger, but to each his own. And isn’t that the true meaning of Christmas? (This easily has to win the least inspiring Christmas story of the year, right?)