Christmas Texas Toast

It’s once again time for America’s favorite running episode…Barney Goes to Texas. As always, we’re doing quotes. If I randomly insert Spanish phrases into this episode, don’t blame me, blame me being brainwashed by Dora the Explorer this week. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t read a fictional encounter on the internet of Jerry Jones’ plan to bring the Cowboys to Latin America by having sex with Dora’s mom. That made things a little more awkward to watch. On that note, let’s just get to the quotes.

“Welcome to Atlanta where the players play.” – Ludicris
I had a connection to make at Atlanta to take me to Dallas. Unfortunately, my flight out of Baltimore left late and I missed this connection. So instead of a 9:15 flight to Dallas, I had to wait until 2:30 which ended up being 3:15. So that left me on my own for 5 hours or so in Atlanta’s airport. Contrary to what I expected, there were no strip clubs within the airport itself. I didn’t even see Ludicris’ plane he uses to transport ho’s from different area codes. I know this may come as a shock, but apparently real life isn’t a rap video. Who would have known? (Quick side story: a co-worker of mine has a niece who’s in a rap video now. The song? 5 Thousand Ones. I was reluctant to tell her that it’s a song about throwing money at strippers. She insists that she didn’t do anything raunchy and that she’s fully clothed. I would try and see the video on youtube, but I’m pretty sure that this song was produced by Jazzy Phe. Therefore, I will not listen to this song unless a gun is pointed to my head.)

“Free Mike Vick!” – My brother
Since I spent time in Atlanta, I can tell this story. Regis and Kelly went over to Kuwait or Iraq or some place that doesn’t allow you to drink to interview the troops for Christmas greetings. His regiment got selected. Now he didn’t get interviewed, but he did shout out “Free Mike Vick,” when they did a pan shot of the group. I was proud of my brother that he’s out there putting his life on the line so I could write dumb ass things like this. But I’m even more proud now. The only thing that would make me more proud is if he said “Free Ookie” or “Free Ron Mexico”. That would have been the smart thing to do. Only because I’m sure the producers of Regis and Kelly know who Vick is and will edit that out. I have my doubts that they know his alter egos, Ookie and Ron Mexico. But if any of you are watching Regis and Kelly (I highly doubt it based on my readership. Though Brock might. I seem to recall him making comments about Kelly Ripa that would get him knocked out if her husband heard.), and hear someone give a shout out to Mr. Mexico, that’s my brother, bringing the Barney Show Free Ookie campaign to the Middle East.

“I can’t tell you how excited I am about Jamie Lynn Spears getting pregnant.” - Numerous friends
So I’m in Texas hanging out with my BM’s brother who’s like 11. He’s watching Nickelodeon. I have a sick desire to watch Zoey 101 or whatever the hell Jamie Lynn’s show is called. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case and I spent 2 hours watching random Nick shows with an 11 year old.
It was all made up however, when we watched the Christmas parade from Disney World. I didn’t leave the room because it was hosted by Regis and Kelly and thought they might have Christmas greetings from the troops. The cast of High School Musical did a song. I did get to think in my head, “Ha, I saw that chick on the right naked on the internet.” So on random shows for 12 year olds that I shouldn’t be watching, it was a wash.

“18 years, 18 years, she got one of your kids she got you for 18 years.” – Kanye
So I’m over hearing conversation between the women folk and hear my BM say that another single mother told her, “Some of us don’t have a rich baby daddy.” So apparently, that’s what I am now. A rich baby daddy. Should I be flattered by this? Insulted? I’m more confused than anything.
Though it does speak to how where I went really is a ghetto, just lot more spread out geographically. I think I had more college credits than the rest of the house combined. I really had to dumb myself down while there. And this is the place I’m thinking of moving to. Though this might improve the content of my episodes. So there is that.

“Don’t ever get put in a sleeper hold…because when you wake up, your anus will really hurt.” – Chappelle Show
Following up on the previous quote, how many of you slept in the same room with a convicted felon who spent a year behind bars for Christmas? That’s why I have a blog about my Christmas experience and you don’t. Thank God I only had my daughter with me and not a girl. Because I’m pretty sure it would result in me sitting in the corner crying while Lysol had sex with Katie.

“Don’t tell me you’re a functional alcoholic.” - A coworker to me
Yes I am. That’s the reason I have a half pint of Jack in the period between dropping my rental car off and going through airport security and will still be at work tomorrow, assuming there’s no flight delays. Oh wait, my flight to Atlanta is delayed an hour and 45 minutes. This should be fun. If I find an outlet, this will be the longest Barney Show ever. Well, at least I drank that Jack with only a doughnut in my stomach all day.

“For all of you calling and saying the Redskins accomplished a lot considering the circumstances, I’m just letting you know I consider them underachievers.” – Sports Radio Host in Dallas
Apparently losing your fourth game in a row, possibly decided by your head coach calling a 2nd time out resulting in a 15 yard penalty, then flying the next day to bury your team’s best player who was shot in a botched robbery, then losing your starting quarterback in the 1st half of your next game doesn’t count as adversity. Winning 3 in a row after this isn’t an accomplishment. This is the new standard by which homerism will be measured.

“We’ll be back on ESPN Radio: it’s [insert random name here] and Nate Newton.” – Sports Radio Host in Dallas
So Nate Newton is apparently doing a drive time radio show in Dallas. I may be mistaken, but wasn’t Big Nate convicted of driving a van full of weed for distribution? What do Cowboys from the early 90s need to do to not work for ESPN? A van full of weed isn’t enough. Getting caught with cocaine and hookers isn’t enough. Said person made racist comments on the air and wasn’t fired. A grasp of the English language isn’t even required. If I didn’t have to be supportive of Who’s Now 2, I might apply for a job at the worldwide leader. Alcoholism won’t keep me from getting it if I can convince Troy Aikman that I was the scrappy 3rd down wide receiver in 1992. He’s pretty concussed, so I think this is a good chance.

“Alright, I’m the asshole.” – Swingers
On to this week’s segment of “Things that only happen to me.” So its tough enough leaving my daughter behind. What I didn’t need is slamming her finger in the door while putting my bags in my rental. Because it’s always a good impression of someone leaving when they physically injure you. God, I’m a jackass.

“You’ll shoot your eye out.” – A Christmas Story
Two parts to this quote. First, is it just me, or is the new Christmas tradition becoming that you watch A Christmas Story, but never in one sitting. You change back and forth to it over the course of the day and end up getting the entire movie in parts. Or you have different people working the remote and you end up watching the same parts over and over like an ass. Maybe I’m wrong (won’t be the first time).
Secondly, one advantage to having a Texas Christmas is that before dinner, you play capture the flag with pellet guns. Was this fun? Fuck and Yes. I might go by myself an air pistol just so I can get my skills up for next year. There’s nothing more fun than being able to say, “Ok, I reloaded” and actually reload. Well, maybe shooting a 12 year old multiple times with a pellet Uzi (in my defense, he did have a semi-automatic). That’s fun as hell.

“FLOSSSIN’” – Jim Jones
So my flight back to Atlanta was 2 hours late, so I missed my connection to Bodymore, Murderland. They got me on the last flight there but I had to run to make it. It was all worth it because I got bumped up to business class. I was straight ballin’. The best part is that you get unlimited alcohol for free. That might be the best thing ever. Unfortunately, it was only an hour and 15 minute flight and I had to drive home from the airport. So I kept it to only 3 Bloody Mary’s.

“OJ Simpson…not a Jew. But guess who is Hall of Famer Rod Carew.” – Adam Sandler
I think the highlight of this trip was seeing a guy with an OJ Simpson USC throwback on at the airport. What type of statement was this guy trying to make? I have the ability to slash your throat and get away with it? The Juice got a raw deal? I just don’t give a fuck? I was thinking of asking him, but decided that the first possible statement was too real and didn’t want to spend Christmas in ER.
Not that I can really talk. I still have my Michael Vick Va Tech throwback. I keep telling myself its for Halloween when I’ll dress up in my Bad Newz Kennelz outfit. Plus, it’s freakin’ hilarious.

“I think I’m going to make this a Jim Beam Christmas.” – J Man
Though I had my issues with Texas, it’s not like my family’s Christmas was much better. My parents waited until the 23rd to by a tree so they ended up with one that looked like it belonged in the Charlie Brown Christmas. My brother took this as a sign and started drinking heavily. He needed to in order to make it through my mother’s side of the family. On that note, another Texas Toast is complete. See y’all in February.