Sorry for the delay in a new posting (I know there was a void in your life in the absence of any new Barney Show episodes), but I took a vacation and went back to NY with my daughter. With that brought about one of my least favorite pastimes: tourism. Because I’m Barney and not a normal person, my tour of New York was a little different. Let’s review how my trip was different from that of the average tourist: (And if you think a Muppets reference was random, keep reading. I’m all over the place on this one.)
World Trade Center and Battery Park: Pretty much the entire time I was here, I was making references in my head to The 25th Hour. I kept looking around Battery Park for heroin users who were too afraid to go uptown to Harlem because they would get robbed by black people. Also, my first thought upon seeing Ground Zero was, where Phillip Seymour Hoffman so I can tell him, “Fuck the Times, I read the Post.” (I have to make more references to The 25th Hour than anyone else. I would write a whole Barney Classics episode about it, except I need to do more movies. Since I’ve only gotten around to doing He Got Game, I can’t have my only two classic movies be Spike Lee joints. The 25th Hour is to me what The Karate Kid is to Sports Guy for reasons that I can’t fully explain)
Grand Central Station: I spent the entire time here looking around for fat Italians in suits. I even thought about lying down on the escalator. Then I remember that I was good, as long as I didn’t try and get on a train. Thanks Carlito. For the record, I was highly amused that a fucking train station was a place someone wanted to visit. It does have nice architecture but at the end of the day, it’s still where you get on Metro North. (It’s also a key landmark for my main man Connecticut Pete. CP is my dad’s friend who’s an alcoholic with OCD. He lost his license for too many DUI’s so he has to take a train from Long Island to Connecticut. Because he’s OCD, he needs to finish a 6 pack before he gets to Grand Central. The man also makes about half a million dollars a year because he’s has the ability to direct oil tankers into docks, which is apparently a very difficult skill. Needless to say, he’s replaced Jordan as my newest idol.)
Bryant Park: They were having a holiday craft fair when we visited. Now this might sound very boring to the normal person. However, the normal person doesn’t laugh every time he sees something a sign saying, “Made in Colorado” in Bryant Park. Kobe!
Madison Square Garden: I steadfastly refused to show my daughter MSG. That’s how bad Isiah has been.
NY Public Library: Most people see this as a place of knowledge with as much information as anywhere else in the world. I see it as the opening scene in Ghostbusters. I kept looking for Harold Ramis to come running out.
Times Square: Since I had my daughter with me, we took her to the Toys R Us in Times Square because they have a Ferris wheel within the store. This was a great example of Barney luck. Each car on the wheel had a different toy. One was a Matchbox car one, another shaped like Mr. Potato Head, you get the idea. Not only did we end up in the My Little Pony car, this was actually predicted because of my luck.
On top of that, my 22 month old daughter managed to handle this ride better than I did. First off, I was able to control my fear of heights until she started to fidget around and I nearly had a panic attack. I wasn’t scared for myself, but for her. Combine that with the fact that the simply swaying when the wheel stop gave me motion sickness and it was a pretty embarrassing situation. In fact, my balance system is so fucked up at this point, I tried to show my daughter how to do a summersault and got dizzy.
Unfortunately, this ride will ruin my burgeoning rap career. At least if I do have a career (odds on that: 10,874,975 to 1), I can’t get in any beef. Because if I do, my career will be over when someone puts a picture of me in a My Little Pony car on that Summer Jam screen. It’s just too easy for someone to say, “I got the pictures, I’ve seen ya.”FAO Schwartz: Only I could subconsciously confuse the address of a toy store with the NBA store’s address. Needless to say, people were not too happy with me when we were standing on 52nd and 5th and there were no toys.
Rockefeller Center: If I hadn’t been at the end of my rope from doing tourist things, I would have had a lot more fun here. I could have gone up to someone working at the tree and asked, “Rockefeller died of AIDS, and that’s who you chose to name your center after?” (Bonus points for working in both sides of the Jay Z-Nas beef into a NYC tourist promotion) I also might have set the record for most times saying, “It’s the Roc,” if I already didn’t share that record with Floyd Banks during Luau 2005.
I wanted to go see Rockefeller Center in the morning but was over ruled because apparently tourists like to see Christmas trees at night. I wanted to sneak off to the crowd of The Today Show with my “FUCK YOU TIKI. WAY TO QUIT ON YOUR TEAMMATES” sign.
Besides that, just your normal trip to New York.
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