Actual Quotes from Actual People

We’re going to try a new feature here on The Barney Show…Actual Quotes from Actual People. Two reasons for this: One, so my brother can stop get some of my jokes since he hasn’t followed sports since the 1993 Orlando Magic. Two, I’ve been told I might have some additional readers, and what better way for them to get to know Barney than from the words of friends and family. And with that incredible segue concluded, let’s get on to the quotes:

“So I was talking to Nikki about if we ever did get married, you being my best man. It didn’t go over too well. She said something about every time she’s seen you, you’ve been hammered.” – K-Dog
To be honest, I would not recommend me as a best man for anyone. My speech would end up as either the one from Old School or me just freezing up entirely. I would probably drop f bombs without even realizing it. I could see a marriage failing because of me. I’d also assume I’d be in charge of the bachelor party. We’d be three hours in before people started figuring out there aren’t any strippers coming (All the places hung up the phone when I asked if any of their strippers were Communists). And half the alcohol brought to the party was for myself. And I’m won’t stop saying, “One vagina for the rest of your life. Way to think things out there buddy.” This won’t end well.
And Nikki, don’t feel so special. You’re not the only one who only sees me drunk. Pretty much the only ones who see me consistently sober are my co-workers (and that’s only guaranteed after 11 am).
I was also impressed that two of my friends have begun thinking of marriage and I haven’t yet, despite the fact that I’m the one with a kid. True Barney spirit right there.

“Are you doing coke? I’m not kidding. I know you’ve been working long hours and drinking a lot, so there’s a chance you would be using blow.” – Brock
Ah, the confidence people have in me. For the record, no I’m not using coke. I may not follow the Ten Commandments, so the least I could do is follow the Ten Crack Commandments.

“If you keep going this way, you’re going to end up a bitter, bitter man.” – My BM
I think she was implying that I’m on my way to being bitter. Guess she doesn’t know that I’m pretty bitter as it is now. Maybe because she’s never mentioned anything about JJ Reddick to me. Or the 2005 Divisional Playoffs. And she does try to not talk to me about work.
(This was part of a really fun talk we had. Three hours fun. About our relationship. It would have all been worth it if she had let me finish my sentence from The Departed: “I’m Irish, I can deal with things being wrong my whole life.” I almost got it out. A great quote for justifying a relationship. Though she might have barred me from seeing my child ever again afterwards, I’m sure her face would priceless when I said that.)

Dad: “Barney’s going to drive J-Man home.”Mom: “Is Barney ok to drive?”
Keep in mind this was said at 4 pm on a Sunday. My mom was legitimately asking if I had sobered up from the night before. While I was sitting right next to her. This is why I’m worried that every time I go home that there’s going to be an intervention. It’s coming eventually, I can feel it. I’ve already started rehearsing my, “I don’t have a problem, you’re the ones with the problem,” line.

“Since you won’t be here for Christmas, we’ll give you your present now (handing me “Knocked Up” on DVD). I think you’ll enjoy this.” - My aunt
So everybody’s got jokes. Let’s all laugh it up. I’m sure you’ll be the first of at least three family members that buy this for me. That’s all right. Next year, you’re all getting Rudy Gay Grizzlies jerseys (note: Why next year? Because the NBA store currently doesn’t sell his jersey. I’ve already looked into this. They sell everyone else’s online, including Lawrence freakin’ Roberts and Brian Cardinal. But not their first round pick from last year. Bastards. You’re ruining a hilarious Christmas present.)

“Yeah, you are an asshole Barney.” - My brother
This one was warranted. I got a call from the 757 area code on Thanksgiving. Since I don’t know where that is I ignored the call. It was my brother calling…from Iraq. Nothing says I support my troops like ignoring their calls on holidays. That’s my submission for the 2007 Asshole Olympics. Either that or when I kept demanding the guy to keep playing “Johnny Motherfuckin’ Cash” at an Irish pub. I haven’t decided yet.

So there you have it, what loved ones think about me. I’d say it was a good holiday for me, how ‘bout you? (To be honest, there were positive things people said to me. Those just aren’t funny. So I’m not going to write about those. And don’t worry, me and my baby mama are cool, I just picked a quote completely out of context. We’re good as long as she doesn’t talk about the Patriots getting McFadden with the second pick. Then it’s on like Donkey Kong.)