How do you know Barney?
Brock: How don’t I know Barney is more the question? I don’t know how I know him. I was drinking heavily at the time and he was there. Albeit at the time he was not talking and just working out really hard in the locker room. And we were all wondering why his head was so small. The real answer is that we were quasi teammates in college. I say quasi, cuz I spent freshman year on the bench Kenyon Martin street clothes style. And Sophomore year never got started as I departed from the team after the first practice. I’ll leave it to the historians debate whether I quit or was kicked off, but I was no longer a party of Herbie’s Hellions.
Barney: Complete lies I tell you. I met Brock through an international pen pal program and he was assigned to me. We connected over shared interest of croquet and Russian line dancing. I was able to secure a visa for him via the State Department and rescued him and his family from a despotic regime. He repaid me by becoming a fan of “this crazy game American football,” in particular, of the Pittsburgh Steelers because it reminded him of the barren steel mills of his home country right before the 2004 playoffs.
What is your favorite football team and why shouldn’t I make fun of them?
Brock: Pittsburgh Steelers. The 2004 Divisional playoffs. Chad Pennington was your Q for all those years. Vinnie Testaverde was under center before that. Rich Kotite was your head coach. I could keep going but I’ll stop there before Barney’s liver raises a white flag….
Barney: I was going to mention that I like Hines Ward. And give Roethlisberger credit for his alleged college exploits. He allegedly set the goal for himself to nail every girl in a sorority. When someone asked him, “Even the fat ones?” he allegedly replied, “That’s part of the challenge.” In the immortal words of King Bunt, “I can respect that.” But since you made a Rich Kotite reference, I’ll be forced to show a picture of the Steelers mascot, Steely McBeam. I won’t even make a joke. They write themselves.
QED Motherfucker.
Complete this sentence: Never have I ever…
Brock: …spent an academic year hooking up with a redheaded sworn virgin until marriage with a lisp and a bad leather motorcycle jacket who was also a Broncos fan.
Barney: …come up with a response to that sentence that would give me some dignity, so I’ll take my loss like a man and cut my losses.
Who would emerge victorious in a three way steel cage death match: Chad Pennington’s shoulder, Ben Roethlisberger’s appendix or Barney’s brain?
Brock: I would say Benny’s appendix because it has actually been removed and if it made it to the ring, it would mean that it came back from the dead—Undertaker style….I just think Chad’s shoulder wouldn’t be able to throw a strong enough punch and Barne’s liver would just be too stiff to make any head room. It’d be like Andre the Giant minus any talent—kinda like that guy the Great Khali who’s in the WWF now.
Barney: I’d go with Chad Pennington’s shoulder. Here’s my plan. Instead of getting surgery done by Dr. James Andrews who knows what he’s doing, let’s go to a doctor in Chicago. It will be just like that movie “Rookie of the Year.” His shoulder will be tight and he’ll be throwing strikes from the bleachers. At this point, what do we have to lose with Chad’s arm?
If you were a member of Dip Set, which member would you be?
Brock: I would never be in the DipSet cuz I’d never have a pink Range. I’d be the guy who shot Cam.
Barney: Juelz Santana by default. Cam is like the Antoine Walker of rap. He could be so much more, but just wants to do things his own way. When Antoine was asked why he shoots so many 3’s, he said, “Because they don’t have any 4 point shots.” I can definitely see someone asking Killa Cam why he rides on 26s, and him saying, “Because they don’t have 27s.” I couldn’t be Jim Jones just because I couldn’t tell out “Flossin’” that much. Also, I’d be working on the form on my jump shots for the Ballin video. They wouldn’t be able to get to the video chicks.
Tell me a secret you’ve never told anyone else.
Brock: I still masturbate to Raquel Welch. I don’t give a fuck how old she is, that bitch is still hot.
Barney: I try to avoid bars in Georgetown. Not because they charge $8 a drink. Not because it has the highest concentration of guys in lavender polos in the world. Nope, it’s because I can’t walk into a bar there without wanting to say, “Who wants to sex Mutumbo?” Then I spend the rest of the night wondering why I didn’t say it and my night is ruined.
What was your favorite team in NBA Jam?
Brock: First response is the NYK— Ewing and Starks. But then when I think back and there’s the LJ and Zo combination and Shawn Kemp was a monster. I still have to roll with the Knicks though. Disclaimer: This is the Pre-Zeke Knicks. This is pre-LJ from the corner Knicks. This is pre-Spree Knicks. This is when the Knicks had tradition and I would love to have been in the Garden for it. Well the next best thing was playing NBA Jam.
Barney: I’d have to agree with Brock that Kemp was a beast. I wouldn’t be surprised if he could actually do NBA Jam dunks in real life. Plus, he was with the Glove. My other team was Golden State with T and C from Run TMC. There were a lot of threes going up during those games.
What’s in your version of heaven and hell?
Brock: I discovered my Hell this past Sunday. I have DirecTV Sunday NFL ticket. With my subscription I get the channel that shows 8 games at once. In one corner screen was Peyton Manning playing KC. On the screen next to it was Manning’s Priceless Peptalks commercial. On the screen next to that was his commercial with Marvin Harrison in the Dolphin tank. That is hell for THIS GUY. Hell pt. 2: driving down I-80 through Northern Pennsylvania cow pastures when you have to poop. If you think hearing water when you have to go number one, it’s 100x worse to have to make boom booms and smell nothing but cow dung for like 3 hours. Hell pt. 3: The Kevin Federline CD. In summation, my ideal hell is taking a car ride with Peyton Manning down I-80 with the K-Fed CD and a mean need to dookie. I mean what would you do then? [I bet Dante never factored any of this…] Heaven for me would be Stephon Marbury, Ron Artest, Hillary Clinton, OJ Simpson, post-jail sentence Mike Vick—with Marcus hanging out Johnny Drama style, Gary Busey, Sharon Stone and Michelle Rodriguez in the Mad Real World.
Barney: Heaven for me would be a normal life, but with bourbon in water fountains and no hangovers. Hell would be people doing the Soulja Boy dance in front of me while a tape of Dick Vitale narrating Sportscentury: JJ Reddick is playing in the background.
What should be written on yours and Barney’s epitaphs?
Brock: Mine—Only SAS needlessly yelled more than our beloved Brock.
Barney’s—Son, Brother, Friend, Illegitimate Father
Barney: Brock’s: If you want to make an omelet, you have to break some eggs.
Mine: 1982-2009. Guinness Book of World Records: World’s Hardest Liver
Give me your favorite Barney story (since I probably don’t remember it).
Brock: My favorite Barney story? I don’t know if I have a favorite since most of them end up with him assing out drunk leaving some “Awkward Looking Freshman Girl” wholly unsatisfied. I might have to go with Freshman year, night after a huge party and the entire team is hurting in the morning. We all saw Barnes leave with a chick the night before. On this particular morning, he’s the last one into the locker room and we all give him the ‘Heeeey buddy! How you feelin’?’ Barnes just sneaks a coy smile and beelines right to his locker. We were all just about to assume that he spent the entire night smashing the ALFG, when suddenly someone pipes up, ‘soooo—how’d it go?’ And the entire team focuses on Barnes to make sure his response is heard clearly. He looks up, sees all our faces and mutters, ‘I passed out.’ We all burst out in laughter and the tradition of the unsatisfied ALFG was born. Freshman girls—get ‘em while they’re skinny…
Barney: Yup, I don’t remember anything about this, except that morning. I don’t even know what year this was. Thanks for the memories.
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