Monday Morning Hangover - Week 2

Alright, another exciting week of football with your favorite alcoholic. I’m not discussing Notre Dam at all this week. I might start punching things. Just know that someone at work tried to tell me that Notre Dame would win. I told her that Michael Hart was a beast and would run over Notre Dame. I hate being right. I didn’t count for the awfulness of Notre Dame’s offense. The genius tag has been officially removed from Chuck. Anyway, I’m just writing random notes as I go in real time starting around 6 on Saturday. I’ll do thoughts on the week at the end.

- Anytime anyone cuts to a DeSean Jackson highlight, I’m stopping what I’m doing immediately. New rule.

- Where on the vengeance scale does Steve Slaton rank against Maryland? For those of you who don’t know, Maryland took back a scholarship it had offered to Mr. Slaton. Since then, he has made it a point of destroying Maryland on Thursday nights. Last year, I think he had 3 touchdowns in the first quarter, including the greatest hesitation move I’ve ever seen. This year, he only had three touchdowns. Slaton is a bad man.

- Plus West Virginia has Noel Devine who was pretty sick against Maryland. He gets bonus points in my book because he lived with Deion Sanders. How many guys have that? I pray that it was like that Nike commercial where Deion lives with Jillian Barbarie and Deion sending him off to two a days. That was one of the highlights of football season 2006 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t08PKbIfuXw). I personally would have asked numerous questions about Deion’s rap career if I lived with him.

- I was a little too excited to watch Arkansas/Alabama because of my boy McFadden. Let’s just say I’m writing this with 2 minutes left in the first quarter and his Heisman campaign is over. Alabama is destroying them. But McFadden is still gaining 5+ yards every run.

- And fuck Nick Saban. His 15 year old niece was on the greatest website ever secpoon.com, a tribute to the great collection of female fans that attend SEC games. Apparently, Mr. Saban wasn’t too thrilled with this and threatened legal action and the site was closed. I can live with him ditching LSU and Miami. But when he shuts down the site that made me decide that if I ever won lotto I would spend my weekends touring the South watching football, that’s where I draw the line. FUCK NICK SABAN.

- Reason # 2,316 ESPN sucks. I woke up Saturday morning wanting to watch SportsCenter. Unfortunately, ESPN and ESPN2 had women’s freakin’ soccer on. And now, they just had a call with a defender from the USA Women’s team, who is apparently a Crimson Tide fan. Because you know what’s missing from my football broadcasts? Soccer strategy, that’s what. FUCK YOU ESPN. (Can you tell I have a bit of bourbon in me?)

- These guest introducers on ESPN needs to stop. I’m close to boycotting the first quarter of games just like I boycott Football in America on NBC until they get rid of Keith Olbermann. Watching Elizabeth Hasselbeck introduce Boston College is painful. More painful, Bob Davie making a Rosie O’Donnel joke. I hate my life right now.

- The only way this could work is if they have OJ announcing USC starting lineups. Will Ferrell would also work for USC, but OJ would be about 27 times better. (“John David Booty will slice up this Nebraska defense.” “CJ Gable is a bucking Bronco in the backfield.”) Reggie Bush should not be doing introductions and focusing on having a half way decent fantasy performance this week. And I hate that USC would have the only acceptable introductions.

- Ok, a drunk Joe Namath introducing Alabama would work as well.

- DJ Hall was ridiculous in the Ark-Ala game. He looked like me in corporate football against fellow tech guys. Just throw it up and he’ll get it. Me (in shape) against programmers is a mismatch.

- McFadden is a fucking beast. He just got hit behind the line of scrimmage. And he took that guy for a 7 yard gain. He’s got 154 at this point. And they just gave him the ball on a third and 8. Fuck a passing game. Holy fucking shit. They went to a direct snap and McFadden ran it in from 7 out. 174 for the game. Heisman is over. This is the best player in America. He’s put this team on his back the second half. And they just did a feature on his Crown Victoria on 28s. I love McFadden.

- McFadden sits out for cramps, Alabama comes back on a ridiculous final drive. A BS pass interference but a ridiculous catch in the end zone. Wilson just chucked it up for grabs and the Alabama receiver (not DJ Hall) caught it. What a game.

- In case anyone forgot FUCK NICK SABAN. USC just went up 35-10 against Nebraska. I’m going to bed. Until tomorrow, stay classy San Diego.

- After reflecting on my run Sunday morning, I decided that the new feature on ESPN with someone related to the school introducing the starters could work, but only with certain people. Here are acceptable introducers in addition to OJ and Will Ferrell:USC: Nick Lachey and Matt Leinhart introducing the team while gazing into each others eyes, Matt Leinhart following his introduction with, “I’ll tell you who’s not starting for USC this year: Brynn Cameron, who’s too busy suing me for additional child support.”
LSU: Shaq, hopefully being introduced as his Louisianan brethren, Neon Beduex.
West Virginia: Pacman Jones
Florida: Erin Andrews in a bikini after a few good meals; J Will, hopefully after a few bong hits.
(A lot more likely: Joakim Noah talking about Dem Gator Boys which my television is already fearing. It might be broken if he’s on there.)
Texas: Kevin Durant (Again, more likely and will result in my television being destroyed: Roger Clemens)
Cal: Marshawn Lynch calling the offense line “Solid”, and following it up with, “it don’t get no better than solid.”
Ohio State: Maurice Clarrett
Penn State: LeVar Arrington while sitting in his chess room; the stadium cleaning crew who don’t have to work anymore thanks to JoPa’s ruling.
Georgia Tech: Stephon Marbury doing Stephon Marbury things.
Arkansas: Bill Clinton (who is already doing advertisements for the school) while surrounded by cheerleaders.
Virginia Tech: Either of the Vick brothers; D’Angelo Hall with “I own 85” shaved into his head while Chad Johnson’s stats against Hall that night run below.
Notre Dame: The 23 year old who bought Jimmy Clausen alcohol; drunk belligerent Barney.
Alabama: Joe Namath with a few drinks in him (if he hits on any sideline reporter the better); Forest Gump;

- Least surprising part of this weekend’s games. The Giants get a personal foul and a spiking the ball penalty in the red zone which stall drives. And Pam Oliver just described their defense as “unemotional”. That’s it, I’m not picking the Giants again while Coughlin is in charge.

- It’s 3:30 on Sunday and I haven’t mentioned drinking. Well, I had New Orleans and Cincy 16 and 15 points in my pick em league (you put a point value 1-16 with each winner. If they win, you get those points, most points wins). New Orleans decided that I needed to have my selection of Joey Galloway in my fantasy rewarded and let him score two touchdowns and are losing 28-7. Cincinnati has given up 41 points to freakin’ Cleveland and it’s the start of the 4th quarter. I figure this is as good a time as any to start. Speaking of drinking, I love finding deals at the liquor store, especially new products that are improperly priced. Buffalo Trace is a new 90 proof bourbon available in Virginia liquor stores (all liquor stores down here are state owned. If it keeps taxes lower, I’m all for it. However, I feel my alcoholism makes me probably paying taxes for a salary twice mine). Its $22 for a 750, and $32 for a 1.75. The price per liter decreases from $30, to $19. That my friends is what I call a deal.

- Ok, its official. Elisha Manning (as he was listed on nfl.com’s injury report this morning) just threw an interception to a defensive lineman. I’m never picking the Giants again.

- My boy Chad is out today, and Kellen Clemens threw an interception on his second pass. Commence heavy drinking. At least Baltimore has Kyle Boeller playing instead of McNair. That gives me some comfort. I’m still pissed that CBS left the Cincy-Cleveland point fest for this rock fight.

- Justin McCarrens can go fuck himself. Clemens threw a perfect strike to him and he dropped it. And then 2nd and goal from the 8, McCarrens has one go off his hands and it gets intercepted.

- So my teams are a combined 0-5 so far this year. I lost more games than I won this week, not even going against the spread. And so the drinking continues. Luckily, Chris Cooley and Portis redeemed me further on Monday night by both scoring touchdowns. And if you want to know why I picked Cooley, here’s reason 2 behind “With a young quarterback, I feel that Cooley will be utilized a lot more than with Brunell.”
http://misterirrelevant.com/index.php/2007/09/16/chris-capt-chaos-cooley-keeps-it-real/
Straight cash, homey. Check out his wife too. Anyone who sticks out in my mind from a Maxim issue several years ago is hot. In that issue, she said how Fred Smoot was her favorite player(Vikings Love Boat Fred Smoot). Anyone who can marry someone who likes a man who set up a floating orgy with interstate hookers has my respect.

- Sorry the NFL portion is so light. This week’s slate of games in my area sucked. I need DirectTv badly. Until next week…