Who's Barney

After the national disaster that just ensued, (I’m not talking about the bridge collapse in Minnesota, but Sportscenter’s “Who’s Now” segment) I decided to do a pointless tournament amongst athletes with random criteria on how to judge them. That’s right, The Barney Show is having a bracketed tournament to determine “Who’s Barney”. While I can’t say what makes someone more Barney than another athlete, you know who’s Barney when you see it. At least I do. Other people probably see something else (most likely because they’re sober and I’m not). Anyway, I feel like mocking Who’s Now and figuring out who will rule episodes for the next few months. 16 athletes, 4 regions, who is the most Barney?
I was inspired to do this segment after writing my 1980’s Mets episode. I realized the Daryl was the original Barney athlete. All the stuff you’re thinking about got him into the running, but it was his tremendous cameo on The Simpsons that put him over the top (I know all three readers out there were eagerly anticipating how I judged this). So he’s has the first region. In his region are the following:
John Daly: Degenerate gambler, alcoholic, multiple failed marriages. I almost forgot to include him in this, but he has a chance to win the whole thing with a few breaks.
Greg Oden: If I were an athlete, I’d either be like John Daly or Greg Oden. Oden would be the best case. To most people I have the emotional range of a statue. Other people see my self-deprication and lack of taking myself seriously and its slightly to mildly entertaining. At least that’s what I’ve been told. I still don’t believe anyone is actually reading what I write on this site.
SPENCER HAWES – Only on here because me and Brock decided that his name must be treated in such high regard that it must be capitalized at all times. We also spent 10 minutes on AIM going through random scenarios that turn him into the NBA’s version of Chuck Norris: “SPENCER HAWES once teabagged a chick while watching Inside the NBA and said Chuck couldn’t hold his jock.” I think this is going to turn into the episode of Seinfeld where Jerry and George do the “Helloooo” voice for awhile and then people just get sick of it, and I’m still trying to encourage people that its funny when its really not. Also not funny, run on sentences.
Michael Vick – We’re going to exclude the federal dog fighting charges for this one. This is Vick right after he got busted for the water bottle. Besides that, there was the whole Ron Mexico fiasco as well as his tremendous Nike commercial (“That’s not in the playbook, but it should be”). Plus, his touchdown run against the Vikings in overtime where he got two of them to tackle each other was not only one of the greatest play’s I’ve ever seen, it also was a tremendous gambling moment because the Falcons were favored by something like 3.5-4 so a field goal wouldn’t have covered.

Next up is the Doc Gooden region:
Stephen Jackson: Came out of the brawl in Detroit as looking crazier than Ron Artest. Fired guns at a strip club brawl that forced him to get traded. Jacked an incredible amount of questionable shots while playing in San Antonio and still got playing time. He’s the only one who’s done that in the Duncan era. Once said, “I make love to pressure.” I think he has a tattoo of an AK-47 on his arm. Once hinted at being in either the Bloods or the Crips in an interview with an Indianapolis paper (something along the lines of “I don’t wear (insert color) for a reason”)
Manny Ramirez: Is so wacky that Red Sox fans have stopped bitching about it and have just accepted it as part of the package. Takes bathroom breaks in the Green Monster and I don’t think they have a toilet back there. Revealed that he was breast fed until age 4. Put his grill up on eBay for shits and giggles.
Gilbert Arenas: Where do I start? Youtube legend for his shoot out with DeShawn Stevenson. Wears shoes that are too small because he doesn’t like people thinking he has big feet. Sleeps in a tent that has the oxygen at an altitude of 10,000 feet. Ridiculously entertaining blog. Left a huddle during the All Star game to dunk off a trampoline. Gym rat who’s planning on making 100,000 shots in his 73 day summer workout. Has inspired his own philosophy, “Gilbertology”. Has multiple vendettas against what seems like half the league. Once said, “My swag was phenomenal tonight,” which inspired my fantasy football team name, “The Phenomenal Swags.” I’m probably leaving some things out. Oh yeah, he hosted the hottest party in DC this year and uttered the quote, “Let’s all get drunk and make bad decisions.” Way ahead of you Gil.
Rasheed Wallace: The immortal quote, “Both teams played hard.” Wears Uptowns in actual NBA games. Bought championship belts to complement his championship ring. Bonus points for the fact that he got in a fight with Delaney, which is a huge positive right now. Has a random bald spot.
Good Lord, the Gooden region is loaded.

Let’s move to the Riggins region. This is for John Riggins, former running back for the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets and Redskins. A tremendous drinker, who decided one day to stop playing football, had a mohawk, and he hosts a daily sports radio show which consists of football analysis and drinking stories. He told Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor “C’mon Sandy, baby, loosen up” before passing out drunk. Worth noting is that this was my dad’s favorite player which may explain some things. Anyway, here’s the bracket:
Darren McFadden: Called the best back in America by Sports Illustrated, and he’s an absolute beast. Him and possibly Steve Slaton are the only two college players I’d pay to watch their teams just because of them. Such a beast that someone tried to pick him in their NFL fantasy draft because it was a keeper league and he’d have him next year. Ok, let’s not foreshadow the numerous Arkansas games I’m going to watch this fall because of my man crush. He also has a pimped out Crown Victoria that’s way too ridiculous for a college player (I’m glad booster money is going towards 26” rims). Nearly missed all of last season because of a toe injury resulting in a bar fight. Worth noting is that he was wearing flip flops which greatly contributed to the injury marking the first time a black person ever wore flip flops to a club. I enjoy his “Arkansas Bred” and “501 Boy” tats. Crazy ass country boys.
Ricky Davis: Apparently the hardest partier in the NBA. Once took a shot at his own basket to get a triple double. Is allegedly the mind behind the first cheerleaders for the Celtics. Once tried to go through his legs on a breakaway during a game, and missed it. He’d probably have a better chance of winning this whole thing if I knew more of his drinking stories.
Chris Anderson: Technically not in the league anymore, but he has awful tats and failed a drug test and no one know which drug it was (assuming its beyond weed). Has the nickname “Birdman” which I would pay half of what’s in my bank account to have something that cool (I’m named after a purple dinosaur who entertains 3 year olds for God’s sake). He also had the worst performance in the history of the dunk contest, but said, “It’s time for the Birdman to fly.” I’m not going to lie, I needed to get this field to 16 and he’s a throw in. That quote was the equivalent of winning the SWAC conference.
Clinton Portis: A heavy favorite in the Riggins region. Has a stripper pole in his house and tried to explain to MTV cribs that it was because he wanted to be a fireman while growing up and this is his tribute to them. Used to dress up in various characters during media day interviews in the 2005 season for no other reason than to be entertaining. If he had said, “If I get in trouble this summer, just say it was a young guy having fun,” a year earlier it would have been my away message every time I went out in college. Got himself a championship belt for winning the rushing title and was the last running back to be a problem in fantasy leagues from Denver.

And finally, we have the Chrebet region. If there’s an equivalent in my athletic career, it’s Wayne Chrebet. Too small, too slow for most people. Works his ass off. Reps the tough streets of Long Island. Plus his career was cut short by concussions. He’s my favorite Jets player and he would have won the Who’s Barney competition from 1998-2002 hands down, when I was a gym rat and wasn’t quite an alcoholic yet. Here’s his region:Ron Artest: Where do I start? Once tried to take a job at Circuit City as a rookie with the Bulls to get the employee discount. Made the most awful/enjoyable rap album ever (I’ll eventually get around to reviewing it in the episode I was born to write). Started the greatest brawl in professional sports history. My friend Floyd Banks saw him on the PATH is sweatpants and a wife beater (meaning he’s a classy guy). I have better things to do (actually I don’t, but I just don’t feel like doing it) than to spend all day listing Ron Ron’s credentials to be included in this competition. Just know that he would have won from 2003-2005 hands down in there was a competition. He’s like any dominant US athlete in 1980. They would have won the gold if the US had competed in Moscow.
Zach Randolph: Floored me during an MTV cribs episode when his pool table had the Star of David on it. His high school coach is happy that he wakes up in the morning and Z-Bo isn’t dead or arrested (Who says you need to set high expectations? In the words of Chris Rock, “You’re not supposed to go to jail you ignorant motherfucker.”) Ran a train on a stripper and then invited her to the Portland Art Museum for a concert the next day (classy dude right there). The last of the real Jailblazers. I’ve delved into him in the past, so I’ll end it right now.
Rob Dyrdek: ESPN’s Who’s Now had people who aren’t real athletes (I’m looking at you Shaun White), so I feel obligated to put an extreme athlete. So I went with Rob, who’s on my second favorite show on MTV right now besides Hollyhood (the only two shows I watch on that network). He did compete for a $5,000 tournament in Tampa in season 2 so I can consider him a professional in this competition. Owns a mini horse just because he can. Has a picture of him, his bodyguard and dog in style of the infamous Death Row picture of Suge, Dre and Snoop. I would pay two weeks of my salary to be able to pull that one off. Spends his endorsement money on buying wigs and outrageous get ups.
Finally, Chad Johnson: Gave himself the nickname “Ocho Cinco” which isn’t even grammatically correct. Raced a horse in the off season. Wears a mohawk. Most entertaining interview in sports. Most original touchdown dances. A gym rat who sleeps at the Bengals facility. Responsible for K-Dog becoming a Bengals fan. Him on HBO’s Inside the NFL yelling at Carson Palmer that the guy who covering him “sucks” was highly entertaining. I know I’m leaving stuff out, but let’s just say that I highly enjoy his body of work.

So that’s it. Over the next week or so (we’ll see how many hours I’m working) we’ll go through the brackets and get a winner. This is all an attempt for me to not reveal my NFL thoughts and thus tipping my fantasy hand.