“Better choose the right one or pick, pick the kiddies up.”
- Big Boi
Ummmm….thanks Big Boi. Just stab me in the heart while you’re at it. Thanks, really.
“Never fuck without a rubber.”
- Pimp C
No really guys, you don’t have to rub it in. I’m good. I feel like this song was written to antagonize me at sometimes. Yet I keep listening to it because I love the beat. Plus it reminds me that, hey, I could be in Paul McCartney’s situation. Let’s just move on to the random stuff that has nothing to do with anything of consequence.
“We gone fuck her in the back of the bus, and fill her nose up full of that dust.”
“Do me like Bill Clinton girl, take it out of your mouth, we’ll shoot it right down on your dress.”
- Three 6 Mafia
This one is so big, it needs two quotes. I’m driving out of the rental place at DFW, and within 5 miles of the airport is The White House, which is of more possible significance than the actual White House. That’s where Michael Irvin got caught with coke and a bunch of hookers. I’ve driven past it like 5 times and that was the first time it actually clicked in my head that that was the place. I almost crashed my rental. It also has the exact same look as the actual White House. Say what you want about Michael Irvin, but don’t say the man is not classy. Also, if you’re going to call him black, make sure you mention that he’s rich as well.
Within 10 miles of the White House I see those buildings that were demolished in a giant gas explosion that was all over the news a few weeks ago. I was looking forward to seeing those. Unfortunately, it’s at a location where about 3 interstates are merging so I didn’t get a good look. We’re 500 words in and already I’ve said at least I’m not Paul McCartney and seeing burnt out buildings was a highlight. This might be the least positive column I’ve written yet.
I'd also like to note that Darren McFadden's mom said that he'll be going pro after this season. Dallas sports radio was all over this one saying they want to draft him already. At first I was like, "he'll never drop that far," before realizing that Dallas has Cleveland's pick, which has a good chance to be # 1. So yes, Dallas could get McFadden. Bastards. I'm already excited for McFadden this season (he'll be included in a special feature I start at the end of the week), and now I'll have to be secretly pissed off that he might go to Dallas next year. That's right, its August and I'm already preparing for the NFL draft. Never too early I say. I'm also can't wait for Cleveland to realize that they gave up a chance at McFadden for a guy who shaves his chest (I've disowned Brady. He's just done too much gay stuff recently. (google AJ Hawk's wedding pictures if you haven't seen an example). I'm actually embarrassed that I rooted for him for 4 years.) and they disband the franchise.
“My baby mama/she want child support/she get welfare checks/but we stay in court. My baby mama, she be ridin Cady, and she always looking for sugar daddies.”
- Three 6 Mafia
I get down to Texas and find out that my baby mama is dating someone else (Someone needs to come up with a classier term than baby mama. Not for the sake of this blog, but for social situations with normal people. How do I introduce her? I thought about “mother of my child” but it sounded too much out of The Godfather. I need to think about this.), which was a pleasant surprise (I guess it was pleasant because I was able to rationalize drinking Jack as soon as I got there. Other than that, pleasant was not the word). And they were spending Sunday together so that I could spend time with my daughter. I really did enjoying spending time with her, but its kind of like me saying to her, “I won’t make child support payments this month” and rationalizing that this will give her more incentive to get a job. I just thought of that analogy right now and that’s the problem with my life. I can think of really good comebacks, just 36 hours too late.
“I’m funny how? Like a clown? Do I amuse you?”
- Pesci
One good thing might come out of this. Apparently the guy she’s dating works on some ranch for rich people with a lake, so he takes them on the lake, teaches them how to horseback ride, etc (ahh, irony, I really do miss you sometimes. I spent 5 years of my life working at the Rec center only to be replaced by someone who does it better than me. I should have told her about my incredible ability to officiate basketball games between 7 year olds). His job is to make sure these rich people have fun. So, on his business card he has “Fun Guy” listed under his name. I’m suddenly rooting for this relationship to go somewhere. I’m looking forward to having a conversation with this guy.
Dude: Stupid joke
Me: “You’re a funny guy.”
Dude: “I’m funny how? Like a clown? Do I amuse you?”
Me: “No, its on your business card homey.”
That joke will never get old. When your life is at the point mine is now, you take any victory you can. Another plus is that I think we’re both scared shitless to have sex as this point. I got a text message last month “We were really careful last time right? There’s no way I could be pregnant, right?” at work. Nothing complements questions from corporate execs and 16 hour days like the pending results of an unplanned pregnancy test. How I didn’t have a heart attack that week is beyond me. So hopefully she won’t be banging Fun Guy anytime soon.
Let’s interrupt before I start threatening stewardesses on my flight out of frustration to bring you The Peter King Memorial Interesting/Annoying Travel notes:
AirTran features free XM radio on all its flights. I have to say I enjoy this. They have a station that plays all 90s songs. I’m writing this now while listening to Color Me Badd’s “I Wanna Sex You Up.” Reminiscing over some of these songs makes the three hour flight go by a lot quicker. It’s really helping me since I’m not drinking because its not even 10 AM.
Also, the reggae channel is called “The Joint”. Subtle XM, subtle.
My rental car featured no power locks or power windows. I had to manually roll down my windows which sucked. You haven’t felt like a douche until you pull up to McDonald’s drive thru and the person has to wait for you to roll down your window. I will never purchase a Chevy Cobalt for as long as I live.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: the terrorist have won if we continue to not let liquid through airport security. If my God-given right to put bourbon in a bottle of coke to get me through a flight is taken away, I’m not sure if I want to live. I’ll take this up as my cause along with fighting communist strippers.
“La, La, La, Luuuuukkke. I am your faaaatheeerrr.”
- Tommy Boy
So one of the things my daughter enjoys doing is going up to the fan in her room and talking into it. She likes hearing how it distorts her voice and laughs every time. I’m glad she’s already using a classic bit. Next time I see her, I’m taking her newborn clothes, putting them on her and we’re going to sing “Fat Guy in a Little Coat.”
“Henny in my cup.”- Pimp C
So I went to purchase the said Jack mentioned above and noticed that the liquor store didn’t have Henn Rock in it. I’m willing to write this off as a small mom and pop store being out of stock, but if this becomes a recurring thing, I might have to rethink this whole moving to Texas thing. Though I haven’t had too much Henny lately, mostly because with the amount I drink, it would do serious budget damage.
Let’s interrupt song and movie quotes to give actual quotes I’ve heard said to me in the past week. There of these are real, one is not, can you guess which one isn’t?“I don’t think me and you would work. I think you’d come home from work stressed and go run so you wouldn’t have to deal with us. Actually, you’d probably run in the morning and drink half a bottle of scotch when you got home.”
“You really do have some real emotional problems.”
“I think I’d end up killing you if we we’re together.”
“Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to that. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.”
The first one was from my BM. I really considered saying, you’re pretty much dead on, except that I’m on bourbon instead of scotch now. The second was from my manager. It’s always a good sign that your life is such a fucking disaster that co-workers with whom you share as little about your life as possible can accurately describe your life. The third one is from my BM as well. The fourth one is from Billy Madison. Though if you hadn’t known that, I think I’d be pretty tough to decide, right? Oh well, I can forget about it all with a few shots of Henry McKenna.
Hold up, is that Puff Daddy? I’ll Be Missing You? Man, I’m getting old. That was 10 freakin’ years ago. I used to get a little emotional about this one until I finally understood that it was a chance to cash in on Biggie’s death. We’re not going to discuss my reaction to “We’ll Always Miss Big Poppa.” I get choked up hearing that one, because it’s real. (And how would Big feel that I’m actively bumping stuff from the south because I’ve damn near given up on New York? That’s a future episode that I’m working on, but suffice to say, I’m not too proud to be from NY these days).
That didn’t stop me however, from wearing my Mets fitted around Texas this weekend. I refuse to wear a Yankee hat, but I’m encouraging them to call me a Yankee at this point.
“Fuck you cracker.”
- Barney
This has nothing to do with my Texas trip. I just wanted the reader to know that I successfully incorporated this phrase into conversation with 5 coworkers on Friday, including one manager. It’s always been a goal of mine. Either that or it’ll get me fired. I really don’t care at this point. And for the record, it killed.
”She loves her work more than she loves me, and honestly at 23, I would probably love my work more that I did she. So we, ain’t we, it’s me and her, cause what she prefers over me is work.”
- Hov
To be completely honest, it’s not like I’m winning father of the year over here either. I’m Beyonce in that quote, and that quote basically sums up our relationship. Except that I don’t love my work, I’m forced to do it because everyone else is incompetent. Ok, one more moronic observation and we’ll wrap this episode up.
“”
- Barney
There are some things in life that literally leave you speechless. They make the entire trip, the airfare and car rental, and all the other BS I have to deal with worth it. One of these was seeing my daughter smile while we were playing with bubbles. The other was seeing that her family’s Tivo’d Kenny Chesney concert. There’s a part where Kenny goes, “I’d like to introduce a man who needs no introduction in the state of Tennessee…”, and out walks Peyton Manning in jeans, a giant belt buckle with the shirt tucked in and a cowboy hat. He then proceeds to sing with Kenny. I was literally speechless for 5 minutes. I wasn’t sure that actually happened until they put it on again the next day and not for comedic value.
By the way, my BM’s mom is rooting for a Giants/Colts Super Bowl so she could see the Manning’s would face each other. Being that she could kick me out of her house at any minute, I decided to not discuss this any further, but that’s my vision of hell right there. I always thought that thing about that being a network’s wet dream wasn’t true, but I guess I was wrong. Fortunately, it depends on Tom Coughlin’s coaching ability, so I feel confident that it won’t be significantly hotter in early February 2008.
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