Who's Barney - Round 1

After two weeks of anxious debate amongst all of America, I’m back to reveal who’s the most Barney. Remember our rules: there are none. It’s completely arbitrary. And so, let’s begin. Our guest judges are the honorable Colin Farrell (winner of the imaginary Who’s Barney movie star edition), Daryl Strawberry (winner of the first ever sports Who’s Barney) and Wayne Chrebet (another multi year winner). And Barney himself gets to decide 90% of it, so let’s face it, they’re comments mean nothing. Some times I won’t even let them make comments: Let’s get it started with Daryl’s region:

1st Round:
Greg Oden vs. John Daly
Farrell: No contest. John Daly. He drinks like an Irishman
Chrebet: Where am I? Is that you Chad?
Barney: I’d have to agree with the honorable Mr. Ferrell. Any alcoholic, degenerate gambler and whatever else he has going on, and still can have a lead at The PGA Championship is ok in my book. Daly takes this one.
Strawberry: Greg, you can improve for next year’s contest. That pic of you dancing is allegedly your girlfriend. Dancing with a girl who looks like she forgot to put on her pants is a plus in Barney’s book. Keep that up, maybe do some cocaine and blog some more, and you’ll be on to the next round next year.

SPENCER HAWES vs. Mike Vick
Chrebet: By the power invested in me by Herman Edwards, I pronounce SPENCER HAWES the winner by default. Mr. Vick is ineligible for his recent guilty plea.
Farrell: Bloody hell, Herman Edwards holds no sway in Barney’s World.
Barney: Thank you Colin. May that be a reminder to you Wayne. Never speak the name Herman Edwards or Rich Kotite in this episode again.
Strawberry: Mike Vick, now better known as “Ookie” has thrown away a career in a fashion not seen since my own. I go with the Ookster.
Barney: Now, now Daryl. I know him better as Ron Mexico. Let’s not forget about that little episode.
Farrell: As he said in his commercial, “That’s not in the playbook, but it should be.” I wish I had that play in my playbook every time I get accused of giving someone herpes or knocking them up.
Barney: That settles it, Mike Vick goes into round 2, but his new name in the Who’s Barney competition is Ron Mexico.

On to the Doc Gooden region:
Stephen Jackson vs. Manny Ramirez
Farrell: Jackson by a landslide. He makes love to pressure. I make love to every one in Hollywood. He frequents strip clubs, another staple of mine.
Chrebet: Jackson has less brain cells than me.
Farrell: Plus you could call him Man-Ram if you wanted to. You know us Irish don’t get down like that.
Barney: That settles it, the utterly insane Stephen Jackson moves on.
Gilbert Arenas vs. Rasheed Wallace
Strawberry: When he said “Let’s get drunk and make bad decisions”, I’d have to agree with him on that. That was me the better part of the 1990s. There were a lot of bad decisions there.
Barney: I love Sheed, but he’s no match for Gilbert’s Swag. The discussion is over.

Let’s now move on to the Riggins region.
Darren McFadden vs. Ricky Davis
Farrell: Ricky Davis is the only person I’ve met who can drink with me.
Strawberry: I go with McFadden. If DJ had gone to Minnesota to play with him, my sobriety would be an issue again.
Barney: It’s McFadden. No questions asked. Have you seen his car?
Chris Andersen vs. Clinton Portis
Barney: Another no brainer. Portis just declared himself 93.6% ready for the season. His boyhood dreams of being a fireman taught him to know his body very well.

On to the Chrebet region. Anything you’d like to say Wayne?

Chrebet: Keyshawn, I see we meet again. You were on Who’s Now, I have Who’s Barney. I’d just like to point out for the record that I never got cut from an NFL team, not did I told that my team would perform better without me showing up.
Barney: Thanks Wayne, way to treat Keyshawn like the douche that he is.
Ron Artest vs. Zach Randolph
Farrell: Zach’s fondness for strippers is key for me. Who hasn’t ran a train on someone and taken them to see classical music. I did that all the time back in Dublin.
Strawberry: These are two people who would probably benefit from being on drugs. Mostly Ron Ron.
Barney: For all me and Ron Ron have been through, I’m not ready to vote him out just yet. Plus he’s going to Chad this summer, so I’m sure we’ll have more fun stories.
Rob Dyrdek vs. Chad Johnson:
Chrebet: As opposed to Keyshawn’s antics, Mr. Ocho Cinco’s are refreshing and amusing. A wide receiver who loves the game almost as much as me.
Farrell: Rob told a dating service he only dates “Dime piece strippers.” If that’s not me, I don’t know what is.
Strawberry: I’ve seen girls in Cincinnati, there are few dime pieces there.
Barney: Hold on there fellas, Rob owns a mini horse, Chad raced and beat a real horse. Chad wins in a landslide. Plus it sets up a second round match up of Ron Ron versus the country he’s about to visit. I smell a storyline.

Ok, to summarize here are the second round match ups, with a date TBD:

Daly vs. Mexico
Jackson vs. Arenas
McFadden vs. Portis
Artest vs. Johnson

Thanks for joining us and wasting 15 minutes of you life.