And if you want to substitute power for ‘alcohol’ that would be a better assessment of me today. It’s about 10:30 in the morning and I still have a buzz going. Did I mention that I’m in charge of a $6 million a year project today? Everyone else is out and they left ol’ drunkie in charge. At least I haven’t thrown up yet. That’s a positive.
So how did I get in this precarious situation? I left the office at 4:30 to go to happy hour. Wait, not happy hour exactly. I met up with the Stan Man and Em to go to Stan Man’s apartment to pregame happy hour. The three of us have decided that we spend too much money at happy hours if we show up sober, so we showed some fiscal responsibility by having 4 shots of tequila and a few beers before going out. We went to the said happy hour which had karaoke. I was adamant about singing Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab.” Unfortunately, they did not have this is their play list. I was disappointed and some expletives may have been thrown out by me. We left the bar around 9 and figured that since the night was young, we’d go back to Stan’s place drink some more beers. Never being one to argue that sound logic, I countered that we were out of beers and needed to pick some up. We went back, did more shots and watched Super Troopers. I estimate I fell asleep at around midnight on Stan’s couch. (Remember that part earlier about not throwing up at work yet. Scratch that. Just had to take a break to go puke up Mountain Dew and water.)
I came in this morning wearing Stan’s shirt (a size too big for me) and the same everything else as yesterday. I was told that I “look rough” when I got in this morning (while I had my shirt and tie from yesterday in my hand) and people have moved away from me on the elevator because apparently I reek of booze. And I’m in charge today. Lovely.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Who's Barney - Round 1
After two weeks of anxious debate amongst all of America, I’m back to reveal who’s the most Barney. Remember our rules: there are none. It’s completely arbitrary. And so, let’s begin. Our guest judges are the honorable Colin Farrell (winner of the imaginary Who’s Barney movie star edition), Daryl Strawberry (winner of the first ever sports Who’s Barney) and Wayne Chrebet (another multi year winner). And Barney himself gets to decide 90% of it, so let’s face it, they’re comments mean nothing. Some times I won’t even let them make comments: Let’s get it started with Daryl’s region:
1st Round:
Greg Oden vs. John Daly
Farrell: No contest. John Daly. He drinks like an Irishman
Chrebet: Where am I? Is that you Chad?
Barney: I’d have to agree with the honorable Mr. Ferrell. Any alcoholic, degenerate gambler and whatever else he has going on, and still can have a lead at The PGA Championship is ok in my book. Daly takes this one.
Strawberry: Greg, you can improve for next year’s contest. That pic of you dancing is allegedly your girlfriend. Dancing with a girl who looks like she forgot to put on her pants is a plus in Barney’s book. Keep that up, maybe do some cocaine and blog some more, and you’ll be on to the next round next year.
1st Round:
Greg Oden vs. John Daly
Farrell: No contest. John Daly. He drinks like an Irishman
Chrebet: Where am I? Is that you Chad?
Barney: I’d have to agree with the honorable Mr. Ferrell. Any alcoholic, degenerate gambler and whatever else he has going on, and still can have a lead at The PGA Championship is ok in my book. Daly takes this one.
Strawberry: Greg, you can improve for next year’s contest. That pic of you dancing is allegedly your girlfriend. Dancing with a girl who looks like she forgot to put on her pants is a plus in Barney’s book. Keep that up, maybe do some cocaine and blog some more, and you’ll be on to the next round next year.
SPENCER HAWES vs. Mike Vick
Chrebet: By the power invested in me by Herman Edwards, I pronounce SPENCER HAWES the winner by default. Mr. Vick is ineligible for his recent guilty plea.
Farrell: Bloody hell, Herman Edwards holds no sway in Barney’s World.
Barney: Thank you Colin. May that be a reminder to you Wayne. Never speak the name Herman Edwards or Rich Kotite in this episode again.
Strawberry: Mike Vick, now better known as “Ookie” has thrown away a career in a fashion not seen since my own. I go with the Ookster.
Barney: Now, now Daryl. I know him better as Ron Mexico. Let’s not forget about that little episode.
Farrell: As he said in his commercial, “That’s not in the playbook, but it should be.” I wish I had that play in my playbook every time I get accused of giving someone herpes or knocking them up.
Barney: That settles it, Mike Vick goes into round 2, but his new name in the Who’s Barney competition is Ron Mexico.
On to the Doc Gooden region:
Stephen Jackson vs. Manny Ramirez
Farrell: Jackson by a landslide. He makes love to pressure. I make love to every one in Hollywood. He frequents strip clubs, another staple of mine.
Chrebet: Jackson has less brain cells than me.
Farrell: Plus you could call him Man-Ram if you wanted to. You know us Irish don’t get down like that.
Barney: That settles it, the utterly insane Stephen Jackson moves on.
Gilbert Arenas vs. Rasheed Wallace
Strawberry: When he said “Let’s get drunk and make bad decisions”, I’d have to agree with him on that. That was me the better part of the 1990s. There were a lot of bad decisions there.
Barney: I love Sheed, but he’s no match for Gilbert’s Swag. The discussion is over.
Let’s now move on to the Riggins region.
Darren McFadden vs. Ricky Davis
Farrell: Ricky Davis is the only person I’ve met who can drink with me.
Strawberry: I go with McFadden. If DJ had gone to Minnesota to play with him, my sobriety would be an issue again.
Barney: It’s McFadden. No questions asked. Have you seen his car?
Chris Andersen vs. Clinton Portis
Barney: Another no brainer. Portis just declared himself 93.6% ready for the season. His boyhood dreams of being a fireman taught him to know his body very well.
On to the Chrebet region. Anything you’d like to say Wayne?
Chrebet: Keyshawn, I see we meet again. You were on Who’s Now, I have Who’s Barney. I’d just like to point out for the record that I never got cut from an NFL team, not did I told that my team would perform better without me showing up.
Barney: Thanks Wayne, way to treat Keyshawn like the douche that he is.
Ron Artest vs. Zach Randolph
Farrell: Zach’s fondness for strippers is key for me. Who hasn’t ran a train on someone and taken them to see classical music. I did that all the time back in Dublin.
Strawberry: These are two people who would probably benefit from being on drugs. Mostly Ron Ron.
Barney: For all me and Ron Ron have been through, I’m not ready to vote him out just yet. Plus he’s going to Chad this summer, so I’m sure we’ll have more fun stories.
Rob Dyrdek vs. Chad Johnson:
Chrebet: As opposed to Keyshawn’s antics, Mr. Ocho Cinco’s are refreshing and amusing. A wide receiver who loves the game almost as much as me.
Farrell: Rob told a dating service he only dates “Dime piece strippers.” If that’s not me, I don’t know what is.
Strawberry: I’ve seen girls in Cincinnati, there are few dime pieces there.
Barney: Hold on there fellas, Rob owns a mini horse, Chad raced and beat a real horse. Chad wins in a landslide. Plus it sets up a second round match up of Ron Ron versus the country he’s about to visit. I smell a storyline.
Ok, to summarize here are the second round match ups, with a date TBD:
Daly vs. Mexico
Jackson vs. Arenas
McFadden vs. Portis
Artest vs. Johnson
Thanks for joining us and wasting 15 minutes of you life.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Ron Ron Speaks, Joins the Free Ookie Campaign
Looks like I got my boy Ron Ron to support the Free Ookie campaign:
http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2995888
I love how NBA players who are obviously not all there (Artest, Marbury) and their opinions on Vick are somehow newsworthy. I can only hope they continue this trend and ask NBA Players their opinions on current events. I can just see the headlines:
Artest Believes Global Warming is a Hoax
K-Mart: Sen. Craig Should Resign
Suns' Stoudemire Endores Chertoff for AG
Immigration Debate Set Between Wolves' Davis, Madsen
SG Damon Jones Opposes Devaluation of Yuan
Someone should make this happen. If this blog had a shread of jounalistic integrity, I might start, but alas, I do not.
http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2995888
I love how NBA players who are obviously not all there (Artest, Marbury) and their opinions on Vick are somehow newsworthy. I can only hope they continue this trend and ask NBA Players their opinions on current events. I can just see the headlines:
Artest Believes Global Warming is a Hoax
K-Mart: Sen. Craig Should Resign
Suns' Stoudemire Endores Chertoff for AG
Immigration Debate Set Between Wolves' Davis, Madsen
SG Damon Jones Opposes Devaluation of Yuan
Someone should make this happen. If this blog had a shread of jounalistic integrity, I might start, but alas, I do not.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Weekend Musings
I thought I had a brilliant idea. Usually when I’m too hungover from the night before to get out of bed on the weekend, and don’t have anything particularly important to do, I try the hair of the dog method of dealing with it, and start drinking bourbon. FYI, I’ve started this at 7:30 am occasionally. So Friday at work was so bad that I came home and just started housing bourbon. I probably had about 300 mL in an hour on an empty stomach. This was sufficient to make me pass out for a half hour, which after I woke up, realized I wasn’t going to fall back asleep decided that the best course of action would be to go drink some more. I went to this bar that had the greatest thing ever: Jack on the rock for $7.50. Normally this would be outrageous until you realize that they filled up a 12 oz plastic cup. Then it’s the best deal ever. So after two of those, I was sufficiently hammered to go meet up with some girls from work. I’m not really sure why I was there, but I think I just needed to go out somewhere (a great explanation if I’ve ever heard it.) Next thing I know its 3 am and I’m at some diner (that’s the honest truth; I do not remember anything between 1 and 3).
So waking up on Saturday was painful. Too painful in fact to deal with it, so the ingestion of liquor begins. Usually, this is an effective way of dealing with it if A) you have several hours to kill and B) You ingest plenty of Gatorade, water and juice along with the liquor. Unfortunately, I didn’t do B. So I ended up walking into the supermarket about 6 o’clock and going right to the bathroom and puking. I thought I got it all out, but upon pulling up to my place, vomited what appeared to be pure stomach acid in the parking lot. I’m going ashy to classy, baby. This whole episode had me reconsidering if I should be drinking anymore. By 9 pm however, I was back on the horse. And boy was it great. (I know all three of you reading this were enthralled by my description of a drinking experience that I neither remember nor was very interesting besides puking in a supermarket. Don’t worry, you’ll get those three minutes of your life back eventually. It’ll be made up during my intervention when you can site this as an example without having to describe everything.)
Other stuff from the weekend:
The highlight of the weekend was hearing Bill Walton in the second half of the US-Canada game. The US was up 30, 40 points and they needed to kill time. Bill had this gem: “Though this isn’t Canada’s proudest moment, let us not forget the impact they’ve had on our lives.” He then proceeded to list all the inventions that Canadians have done. Even better in the Canadian fun facts was when he said that Canada had the second largest land area behind, “The Soviet Union.” Apparently the Cold War is still going on in Bill’s head. He’s still my favorite announcer, at least for 40 point blow outs.
Saw Superbad. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed as hard as in the first 30 minutes of that movie. It probably would have been even more enjoyable if I hadn’t drunk a few shots before going in and had to piss like a racehorse the last 30 minutes. I was trying to not laugh and piss myself. Plus, high school Barney can identify with the plot of having to find alcohol and trying to hook up with high school girls (It was basically just like any of my high school nights. Don’t get the right kind of alcohol. Get way too drunk because I haven’t figured out drinking yet. Don’t hook up with anyone because of it. Walk around a neighborhood.) I probably enjoyed that more than most, because sober Barney is still just like Evan in that movie around girls. No wonder I drink so much. I’m a blundering idiot at times.
The worst part of the weekend was having to pay $400 to get new tires and a few other things done to my car so I could pass the state safety inspection. Was not expecting that much of a hit. Fuckin A man. The only redeemable thing is that listening to the new UGK album makes me think I’m driving a caddy on 26s with candy paint instead of the piece of shit Lumina I have. For three minutes or so, I forget that I’m driving a car for 80 year olds. I highly recommend it (the UGK album, not the purchase of a Lumina).
So waking up on Saturday was painful. Too painful in fact to deal with it, so the ingestion of liquor begins. Usually, this is an effective way of dealing with it if A) you have several hours to kill and B) You ingest plenty of Gatorade, water and juice along with the liquor. Unfortunately, I didn’t do B. So I ended up walking into the supermarket about 6 o’clock and going right to the bathroom and puking. I thought I got it all out, but upon pulling up to my place, vomited what appeared to be pure stomach acid in the parking lot. I’m going ashy to classy, baby. This whole episode had me reconsidering if I should be drinking anymore. By 9 pm however, I was back on the horse. And boy was it great. (I know all three of you reading this were enthralled by my description of a drinking experience that I neither remember nor was very interesting besides puking in a supermarket. Don’t worry, you’ll get those three minutes of your life back eventually. It’ll be made up during my intervention when you can site this as an example without having to describe everything.)
Other stuff from the weekend:
The highlight of the weekend was hearing Bill Walton in the second half of the US-Canada game. The US was up 30, 40 points and they needed to kill time. Bill had this gem: “Though this isn’t Canada’s proudest moment, let us not forget the impact they’ve had on our lives.” He then proceeded to list all the inventions that Canadians have done. Even better in the Canadian fun facts was when he said that Canada had the second largest land area behind, “The Soviet Union.” Apparently the Cold War is still going on in Bill’s head. He’s still my favorite announcer, at least for 40 point blow outs.
Saw Superbad. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed as hard as in the first 30 minutes of that movie. It probably would have been even more enjoyable if I hadn’t drunk a few shots before going in and had to piss like a racehorse the last 30 minutes. I was trying to not laugh and piss myself. Plus, high school Barney can identify with the plot of having to find alcohol and trying to hook up with high school girls (It was basically just like any of my high school nights. Don’t get the right kind of alcohol. Get way too drunk because I haven’t figured out drinking yet. Don’t hook up with anyone because of it. Walk around a neighborhood.) I probably enjoyed that more than most, because sober Barney is still just like Evan in that movie around girls. No wonder I drink so much. I’m a blundering idiot at times.
The worst part of the weekend was having to pay $400 to get new tires and a few other things done to my car so I could pass the state safety inspection. Was not expecting that much of a hit. Fuckin A man. The only redeemable thing is that listening to the new UGK album makes me think I’m driving a caddy on 26s with candy paint instead of the piece of shit Lumina I have. For three minutes or so, I forget that I’m driving a car for 80 year olds. I highly recommend it (the UGK album, not the purchase of a Lumina).
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Return of Spree
If you've like me, you wonder what's going on with Latrell Spreewell on a weekly basis. Well, we have an update: http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=650452
We now know that his boat has been repossessed. And yes, that boat is named "Milwaukee's Best".
We now know that his boat has been repossessed. And yes, that boat is named "Milwaukee's Best".
Ahh, athletes and their boats in the Midwest. Do they ever fail to entertain? I'm pissed I didn't get to the stadium earlier on Saturday so I could applaud Fred Smoot during intros for his fine work on the Vikings ship.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Barney goes to a football game, Drinking ensues
On Wednesday night, fate smiled on this blogger as I was given a random opportunity to go to the Redskins-Steelers preseason game. A girl I work with had an extra ticket and asked me not thinking I’d really say yes. Little does she know that I’d be willing to put up with someone I’ve talked to 10 minutes total in our time on the project together for 4+ hours in order to watch a meaningless preseason game. She severely underestimated my need for football, alcohol and a diversion from the soul crushing job I have. Ha, I just put down $300 in order to join a pool just so I can have a rooting interest in every game every week (I’m a little too excited about this. 4 points riding on the Texans-Titans showdown in late December? Sure why not). I’d electrocute a dog for some preseason tickets at this point. She tried one more time to get out of it by saying, “Just to warn you, I’ll probably be smashed the entire time.” Like this would dissuade me even a little. She really doesn’t know me. Anyway, I feel the need to write about this game without giving any indication as to my true scouting I did (must keep absolute secrecy until Labor Day weekend and the fantasy draft).
Kick off is at 8, arriving to tail gate at 4, meeting said co-worker at 3, let’s start drinking at 2. I went with the choice of straight Jack because at this point, I’m fairly certain I cannot get drunk off of beer that is less than 7%. The thought of being stuck with cheap light beer (a likely choice) scares me some what, so I feel the need to pregame a 4 hour pregame. I might have a bit of a drinking problem.
Forgot to mention that this co-worker is a Steelers fan, as are the rest of the people I’ll be attending with. Why God chose to taunt me by constantly putting me around Steeler fans is beyond me. I’m still bitter about the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets playoff loss in 2004 and half of my friends that I talk football with are now Steeler fans. I don’t know how this is possible since I’ve never been within 200 miles of Pittsburgh.
I will say this though, I do respect Steeler fans. I’d say 35% of the crowd was wearing black and yellow and Redskins fans are pretty hardcore. Just a tremendous fan base that is destined to piss me off.
At least this co-worker is one of the few females who can actually talk football with. There’s one in my office who considers herself a die-hard Broncos fan who asked me “How many cornerbacks do teams have?” (This did lead to my favorite quote of the off-season. I told her that they picked up Dre Bly and she asked me why since they already have Champ Bailey. Without hesitation, I replied, “Because your other one was killed in a drive by shooting.” I still don’t know if I should feel guilty about that quote.)
Of course, it wouldn’t be like me to just have seats fall into my lap. No, these seats had to be awful, even though we were in the lower level. It was in the last 10 rows of the lower level, so the upper level was overhanging us. I could not see the scoreboard without moving my head three feet. Added onto that was the fact that there was a pole directly in front of us. I couldn’t see one of the end zones. I thought they did away with those things in modern stadiums. This isn’t the old Boston Garden.
Despite my awful luck again, I wasn’t too upset. The one thing about preseason games is that there is absolutely no urgency. I was just there to drink beers and watch football. It could have been a high school game for all I cared.
The one person who didn’t get the memo that it was a preseason game was the guy sitting next to us. After Jason Campbell got hurt, he was screaming at the D Lineman to die. That’s right, he telling another man he should fear for his life during a freakin’ preseason game. This wouldn’t have been warranted if Campbell has torn his ACL, never mind just a bruised knee.
The girl I was with went to Penn State, so we started talking about those games. I could talk to anyone from a major college telling me about their football experiences. I really regret going to a school with no football team. Two Thanksgivings ago, I almost berated my cousin who went to Florida for how good she had it. I held back because I felt bad for spending half of Thanksgiving dinner texting my brother back and forth as to the quality of education Florida had. We both laughed out loud at the table when someone commented on the difficultly getting into that school was. I think the best line my brother had was, “I could get into UF doing my SATs and application drunk while getting my dick sucked.” I commented back “Bullshit, the hardest part in that is keeping it up for the entire SATs, not the actual application.” And him and I wonder why the rest of our family looks at us weird.
After getting enough in me, thoughts like this started running through my head: “OK Barney, you might have a chance tonight. However, would this help or hurt your chances of her hooking you up with Penn St-Notre Dame tickets that she talked about earlier?” I’m pathetic. I was more concerned with getting hooked up with tickets rather than pussy. And you wonder why I was recently told I’d be 35 and single if I didn’t change. Oh well, that’s nothing some bourbon won’t cure.
Anyway, this was all for naught as our ride back (a couple that she was friends with) decided A) it was a good time to get in a fight and not talk to each other and B) to put a chair in the middle of the backseat. Because plastic chairs are a tremendous aphrodisiac. I’m now getting cock-blocked by inanimate objects. Lovely.
Ok, I think that’s it. I woke up Sunday, decided that I didn’t want to deal with the hangover on Sunday, so I started drinking at 10:30 and put off the hangover til Monday. (that fuck you that you just heard was from my liver).
I guess I have to concede that the Free Ookie campaign is done. Since he’s done with the Falcons, I guess I’m going to start pushing my other big idea…that he not play quarterback. Some team should sign him for the minimum and use him how the Jets use Brad Smith. You will not be disappointed. Peter King touched on two things today that made sense. 1. He re-ran his comments after Vick’s playoff game in Green Bay. I remember watching that game thinking I was watching the future of football. Now, it’ll just be a reminder of lost potential. 2. A lot more attention is being paid to Vick than Darrent Williams’s death. Because apparently people care more about cruelty to dogs than humans. And for the record I had the idea of putting him at running back on Sunday and didn’t get it from this article.
I’m not ready to discuss Chad Pennington’s performance on Friday night. Two interceptions for touchdowns had me hitting the bottle even harder on Friday. Please have the regular season start soon so I don’t have to worry about games that don’t matter.
And finally, Steeler fans might have a recent championship and travel all over to support their team, but they have the gayest mascot ever…Steely McBeam:
http://news.steelers.com/article/79593/
That’s the gayest thing since gay went to Gaytown. It reminds me of that time on The Simpsons where Homer finds out that the whole steel industry is gay. I wish I hadn’t been too drunk to remember finding out about ol’ Steely last week. I would have gotten my ass kicked but laughed my ass off. I feel almost redeemed from the playoff loss a few years ago.
Kick off is at 8, arriving to tail gate at 4, meeting said co-worker at 3, let’s start drinking at 2. I went with the choice of straight Jack because at this point, I’m fairly certain I cannot get drunk off of beer that is less than 7%. The thought of being stuck with cheap light beer (a likely choice) scares me some what, so I feel the need to pregame a 4 hour pregame. I might have a bit of a drinking problem.
Forgot to mention that this co-worker is a Steelers fan, as are the rest of the people I’ll be attending with. Why God chose to taunt me by constantly putting me around Steeler fans is beyond me. I’m still bitter about the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets playoff loss in 2004 and half of my friends that I talk football with are now Steeler fans. I don’t know how this is possible since I’ve never been within 200 miles of Pittsburgh.
I will say this though, I do respect Steeler fans. I’d say 35% of the crowd was wearing black and yellow and Redskins fans are pretty hardcore. Just a tremendous fan base that is destined to piss me off.
At least this co-worker is one of the few females who can actually talk football with. There’s one in my office who considers herself a die-hard Broncos fan who asked me “How many cornerbacks do teams have?” (This did lead to my favorite quote of the off-season. I told her that they picked up Dre Bly and she asked me why since they already have Champ Bailey. Without hesitation, I replied, “Because your other one was killed in a drive by shooting.” I still don’t know if I should feel guilty about that quote.)
Of course, it wouldn’t be like me to just have seats fall into my lap. No, these seats had to be awful, even though we were in the lower level. It was in the last 10 rows of the lower level, so the upper level was overhanging us. I could not see the scoreboard without moving my head three feet. Added onto that was the fact that there was a pole directly in front of us. I couldn’t see one of the end zones. I thought they did away with those things in modern stadiums. This isn’t the old Boston Garden.
Despite my awful luck again, I wasn’t too upset. The one thing about preseason games is that there is absolutely no urgency. I was just there to drink beers and watch football. It could have been a high school game for all I cared.
The one person who didn’t get the memo that it was a preseason game was the guy sitting next to us. After Jason Campbell got hurt, he was screaming at the D Lineman to die. That’s right, he telling another man he should fear for his life during a freakin’ preseason game. This wouldn’t have been warranted if Campbell has torn his ACL, never mind just a bruised knee.
The girl I was with went to Penn State, so we started talking about those games. I could talk to anyone from a major college telling me about their football experiences. I really regret going to a school with no football team. Two Thanksgivings ago, I almost berated my cousin who went to Florida for how good she had it. I held back because I felt bad for spending half of Thanksgiving dinner texting my brother back and forth as to the quality of education Florida had. We both laughed out loud at the table when someone commented on the difficultly getting into that school was. I think the best line my brother had was, “I could get into UF doing my SATs and application drunk while getting my dick sucked.” I commented back “Bullshit, the hardest part in that is keeping it up for the entire SATs, not the actual application.” And him and I wonder why the rest of our family looks at us weird.
After getting enough in me, thoughts like this started running through my head: “OK Barney, you might have a chance tonight. However, would this help or hurt your chances of her hooking you up with Penn St-Notre Dame tickets that she talked about earlier?” I’m pathetic. I was more concerned with getting hooked up with tickets rather than pussy. And you wonder why I was recently told I’d be 35 and single if I didn’t change. Oh well, that’s nothing some bourbon won’t cure.
Anyway, this was all for naught as our ride back (a couple that she was friends with) decided A) it was a good time to get in a fight and not talk to each other and B) to put a chair in the middle of the backseat. Because plastic chairs are a tremendous aphrodisiac. I’m now getting cock-blocked by inanimate objects. Lovely.
Ok, I think that’s it. I woke up Sunday, decided that I didn’t want to deal with the hangover on Sunday, so I started drinking at 10:30 and put off the hangover til Monday. (that fuck you that you just heard was from my liver).
I guess I have to concede that the Free Ookie campaign is done. Since he’s done with the Falcons, I guess I’m going to start pushing my other big idea…that he not play quarterback. Some team should sign him for the minimum and use him how the Jets use Brad Smith. You will not be disappointed. Peter King touched on two things today that made sense. 1. He re-ran his comments after Vick’s playoff game in Green Bay. I remember watching that game thinking I was watching the future of football. Now, it’ll just be a reminder of lost potential. 2. A lot more attention is being paid to Vick than Darrent Williams’s death. Because apparently people care more about cruelty to dogs than humans. And for the record I had the idea of putting him at running back on Sunday and didn’t get it from this article.
I’m not ready to discuss Chad Pennington’s performance on Friday night. Two interceptions for touchdowns had me hitting the bottle even harder on Friday. Please have the regular season start soon so I don’t have to worry about games that don’t matter.
And finally, Steeler fans might have a recent championship and travel all over to support their team, but they have the gayest mascot ever…Steely McBeam:
http://news.steelers.com/article/79593/
That’s the gayest thing since gay went to Gaytown. It reminds me of that time on The Simpsons where Homer finds out that the whole steel industry is gay. I wish I hadn’t been too drunk to remember finding out about ol’ Steely last week. I would have gotten my ass kicked but laughed my ass off. I feel almost redeemed from the playoff loss a few years ago.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Who's Barney
After the national disaster that just ensued, (I’m not talking about the bridge collapse in Minnesota, but Sportscenter’s “Who’s Now” segment) I decided to do a pointless tournament amongst athletes with random criteria on how to judge them. That’s right, The Barney Show is having a bracketed tournament to determine “Who’s Barney”. While I can’t say what makes someone more Barney than another athlete, you know who’s Barney when you see it. At least I do. Other people probably see something else (most likely because they’re sober and I’m not). Anyway, I feel like mocking Who’s Now and figuring out who will rule episodes for the next few months. 16 athletes, 4 regions, who is the most Barney?
I was inspired to do this segment after writing my 1980’s Mets episode. I realized the Daryl was the original Barney athlete. All the stuff you’re thinking about got him into the running, but it was his tremendous cameo on The Simpsons that put him over the top (I know all three readers out there were eagerly anticipating how I judged this). So he’s has the first region. In his region are the following:
John Daly: Degenerate gambler, alcoholic, multiple failed marriages. I almost forgot to include him in this, but he has a chance to win the whole thing with a few breaks.
Greg Oden: If I were an athlete, I’d either be like John Daly or Greg Oden. Oden would be the best case. To most people I have the emotional range of a statue. Other people see my self-deprication and lack of taking myself seriously and its slightly to mildly entertaining. At least that’s what I’ve been told. I still don’t believe anyone is actually reading what I write on this site.
SPENCER HAWES – Only on here because me and Brock decided that his name must be treated in such high regard that it must be capitalized at all times. We also spent 10 minutes on AIM going through random scenarios that turn him into the NBA’s version of Chuck Norris: “SPENCER HAWES once teabagged a chick while watching Inside the NBA and said Chuck couldn’t hold his jock.” I think this is going to turn into the episode of Seinfeld where Jerry and George do the “Helloooo” voice for awhile and then people just get sick of it, and I’m still trying to encourage people that its funny when its really not. Also not funny, run on sentences.
Michael Vick – We’re going to exclude the federal dog fighting charges for this one. This is Vick right after he got busted for the water bottle. Besides that, there was the whole Ron Mexico fiasco as well as his tremendous Nike commercial (“That’s not in the playbook, but it should be”). Plus, his touchdown run against the Vikings in overtime where he got two of them to tackle each other was not only one of the greatest play’s I’ve ever seen, it also was a tremendous gambling moment because the Falcons were favored by something like 3.5-4 so a field goal wouldn’t have covered.
Next up is the Doc Gooden region:
Stephen Jackson: Came out of the brawl in Detroit as looking crazier than Ron Artest. Fired guns at a strip club brawl that forced him to get traded. Jacked an incredible amount of questionable shots while playing in San Antonio and still got playing time. He’s the only one who’s done that in the Duncan era. Once said, “I make love to pressure.” I think he has a tattoo of an AK-47 on his arm. Once hinted at being in either the Bloods or the Crips in an interview with an Indianapolis paper (something along the lines of “I don’t wear (insert color) for a reason”)
Manny Ramirez: Is so wacky that Red Sox fans have stopped bitching about it and have just accepted it as part of the package. Takes bathroom breaks in the Green Monster and I don’t think they have a toilet back there. Revealed that he was breast fed until age 4. Put his grill up on eBay for shits and giggles.
Gilbert Arenas: Where do I start? Youtube legend for his shoot out with DeShawn Stevenson. Wears shoes that are too small because he doesn’t like people thinking he has big feet. Sleeps in a tent that has the oxygen at an altitude of 10,000 feet. Ridiculously entertaining blog. Left a huddle during the All Star game to dunk off a trampoline. Gym rat who’s planning on making 100,000 shots in his 73 day summer workout. Has inspired his own philosophy, “Gilbertology”. Has multiple vendettas against what seems like half the league. Once said, “My swag was phenomenal tonight,” which inspired my fantasy football team name, “The Phenomenal Swags.” I’m probably leaving some things out. Oh yeah, he hosted the hottest party in DC this year and uttered the quote, “Let’s all get drunk and make bad decisions.” Way ahead of you Gil.
Rasheed Wallace: The immortal quote, “Both teams played hard.” Wears Uptowns in actual NBA games. Bought championship belts to complement his championship ring. Bonus points for the fact that he got in a fight with Delaney, which is a huge positive right now. Has a random bald spot.
Good Lord, the Gooden region is loaded.
Let’s move to the Riggins region. This is for John Riggins, former running back for the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets and Redskins. A tremendous drinker, who decided one day to stop playing football, had a mohawk, and he hosts a daily sports radio show which consists of football analysis and drinking stories. He told Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor “C’mon Sandy, baby, loosen up” before passing out drunk. Worth noting is that this was my dad’s favorite player which may explain some things. Anyway, here’s the bracket:
Darren McFadden: Called the best back in America by Sports Illustrated, and he’s an absolute beast. Him and possibly Steve Slaton are the only two college players I’d pay to watch their teams just because of them. Such a beast that someone tried to pick him in their NFL fantasy draft because it was a keeper league and he’d have him next year. Ok, let’s not foreshadow the numerous Arkansas games I’m going to watch this fall because of my man crush. He also has a pimped out Crown Victoria that’s way too ridiculous for a college player (I’m glad booster money is going towards 26” rims). Nearly missed all of last season because of a toe injury resulting in a bar fight. Worth noting is that he was wearing flip flops which greatly contributed to the injury marking the first time a black person ever wore flip flops to a club. I enjoy his “Arkansas Bred” and “501 Boy” tats. Crazy ass country boys.
Ricky Davis: Apparently the hardest partier in the NBA. Once took a shot at his own basket to get a triple double. Is allegedly the mind behind the first cheerleaders for the Celtics. Once tried to go through his legs on a breakaway during a game, and missed it. He’d probably have a better chance of winning this whole thing if I knew more of his drinking stories.
Chris Anderson: Technically not in the league anymore, but he has awful tats and failed a drug test and no one know which drug it was (assuming its beyond weed). Has the nickname “Birdman” which I would pay half of what’s in my bank account to have something that cool (I’m named after a purple dinosaur who entertains 3 year olds for God’s sake). He also had the worst performance in the history of the dunk contest, but said, “It’s time for the Birdman to fly.” I’m not going to lie, I needed to get this field to 16 and he’s a throw in. That quote was the equivalent of winning the SWAC conference.
Clinton Portis: A heavy favorite in the Riggins region. Has a stripper pole in his house and tried to explain to MTV cribs that it was because he wanted to be a fireman while growing up and this is his tribute to them. Used to dress up in various characters during media day interviews in the 2005 season for no other reason than to be entertaining. If he had said, “If I get in trouble this summer, just say it was a young guy having fun,” a year earlier it would have been my away message every time I went out in college. Got himself a championship belt for winning the rushing title and was the last running back to be a problem in fantasy leagues from Denver.
And finally, we have the Chrebet region. If there’s an equivalent in my athletic career, it’s Wayne Chrebet. Too small, too slow for most people. Works his ass off. Reps the tough streets of Long Island. Plus his career was cut short by concussions. He’s my favorite Jets player and he would have won the Who’s Barney competition from 1998-2002 hands down, when I was a gym rat and wasn’t quite an alcoholic yet. Here’s his region:Ron Artest: Where do I start? Once tried to take a job at Circuit City as a rookie with the Bulls to get the employee discount. Made the most awful/enjoyable rap album ever (I’ll eventually get around to reviewing it in the episode I was born to write). Started the greatest brawl in professional sports history. My friend Floyd Banks saw him on the PATH is sweatpants and a wife beater (meaning he’s a classy guy). I have better things to do (actually I don’t, but I just don’t feel like doing it) than to spend all day listing Ron Ron’s credentials to be included in this competition. Just know that he would have won from 2003-2005 hands down in there was a competition. He’s like any dominant US athlete in 1980. They would have won the gold if the US had competed in Moscow.
Zach Randolph: Floored me during an MTV cribs episode when his pool table had the Star of David on it. His high school coach is happy that he wakes up in the morning and Z-Bo isn’t dead or arrested (Who says you need to set high expectations? In the words of Chris Rock, “You’re not supposed to go to jail you ignorant motherfucker.”) Ran a train on a stripper and then invited her to the Portland Art Museum for a concert the next day (classy dude right there). The last of the real Jailblazers. I’ve delved into him in the past, so I’ll end it right now.
Rob Dyrdek: ESPN’s Who’s Now had people who aren’t real athletes (I’m looking at you Shaun White), so I feel obligated to put an extreme athlete. So I went with Rob, who’s on my second favorite show on MTV right now besides Hollyhood (the only two shows I watch on that network). He did compete for a $5,000 tournament in Tampa in season 2 so I can consider him a professional in this competition. Owns a mini horse just because he can. Has a picture of him, his bodyguard and dog in style of the infamous Death Row picture of Suge, Dre and Snoop. I would pay two weeks of my salary to be able to pull that one off. Spends his endorsement money on buying wigs and outrageous get ups.
Finally, Chad Johnson: Gave himself the nickname “Ocho Cinco” which isn’t even grammatically correct. Raced a horse in the off season. Wears a mohawk. Most entertaining interview in sports. Most original touchdown dances. A gym rat who sleeps at the Bengals facility. Responsible for K-Dog becoming a Bengals fan. Him on HBO’s Inside the NFL yelling at Carson Palmer that the guy who covering him “sucks” was highly entertaining. I know I’m leaving stuff out, but let’s just say that I highly enjoy his body of work.
So that’s it. Over the next week or so (we’ll see how many hours I’m working) we’ll go through the brackets and get a winner. This is all an attempt for me to not reveal my NFL thoughts and thus tipping my fantasy hand.
I was inspired to do this segment after writing my 1980’s Mets episode. I realized the Daryl was the original Barney athlete. All the stuff you’re thinking about got him into the running, but it was his tremendous cameo on The Simpsons that put him over the top (I know all three readers out there were eagerly anticipating how I judged this). So he’s has the first region. In his region are the following:
John Daly: Degenerate gambler, alcoholic, multiple failed marriages. I almost forgot to include him in this, but he has a chance to win the whole thing with a few breaks.
Greg Oden: If I were an athlete, I’d either be like John Daly or Greg Oden. Oden would be the best case. To most people I have the emotional range of a statue. Other people see my self-deprication and lack of taking myself seriously and its slightly to mildly entertaining. At least that’s what I’ve been told. I still don’t believe anyone is actually reading what I write on this site.
SPENCER HAWES – Only on here because me and Brock decided that his name must be treated in such high regard that it must be capitalized at all times. We also spent 10 minutes on AIM going through random scenarios that turn him into the NBA’s version of Chuck Norris: “SPENCER HAWES once teabagged a chick while watching Inside the NBA and said Chuck couldn’t hold his jock.” I think this is going to turn into the episode of Seinfeld where Jerry and George do the “Helloooo” voice for awhile and then people just get sick of it, and I’m still trying to encourage people that its funny when its really not. Also not funny, run on sentences.
Michael Vick – We’re going to exclude the federal dog fighting charges for this one. This is Vick right after he got busted for the water bottle. Besides that, there was the whole Ron Mexico fiasco as well as his tremendous Nike commercial (“That’s not in the playbook, but it should be”). Plus, his touchdown run against the Vikings in overtime where he got two of them to tackle each other was not only one of the greatest play’s I’ve ever seen, it also was a tremendous gambling moment because the Falcons were favored by something like 3.5-4 so a field goal wouldn’t have covered.
Next up is the Doc Gooden region:
Stephen Jackson: Came out of the brawl in Detroit as looking crazier than Ron Artest. Fired guns at a strip club brawl that forced him to get traded. Jacked an incredible amount of questionable shots while playing in San Antonio and still got playing time. He’s the only one who’s done that in the Duncan era. Once said, “I make love to pressure.” I think he has a tattoo of an AK-47 on his arm. Once hinted at being in either the Bloods or the Crips in an interview with an Indianapolis paper (something along the lines of “I don’t wear (insert color) for a reason”)
Manny Ramirez: Is so wacky that Red Sox fans have stopped bitching about it and have just accepted it as part of the package. Takes bathroom breaks in the Green Monster and I don’t think they have a toilet back there. Revealed that he was breast fed until age 4. Put his grill up on eBay for shits and giggles.
Gilbert Arenas: Where do I start? Youtube legend for his shoot out with DeShawn Stevenson. Wears shoes that are too small because he doesn’t like people thinking he has big feet. Sleeps in a tent that has the oxygen at an altitude of 10,000 feet. Ridiculously entertaining blog. Left a huddle during the All Star game to dunk off a trampoline. Gym rat who’s planning on making 100,000 shots in his 73 day summer workout. Has inspired his own philosophy, “Gilbertology”. Has multiple vendettas against what seems like half the league. Once said, “My swag was phenomenal tonight,” which inspired my fantasy football team name, “The Phenomenal Swags.” I’m probably leaving some things out. Oh yeah, he hosted the hottest party in DC this year and uttered the quote, “Let’s all get drunk and make bad decisions.” Way ahead of you Gil.
Rasheed Wallace: The immortal quote, “Both teams played hard.” Wears Uptowns in actual NBA games. Bought championship belts to complement his championship ring. Bonus points for the fact that he got in a fight with Delaney, which is a huge positive right now. Has a random bald spot.
Good Lord, the Gooden region is loaded.
Let’s move to the Riggins region. This is for John Riggins, former running back for the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets and Redskins. A tremendous drinker, who decided one day to stop playing football, had a mohawk, and he hosts a daily sports radio show which consists of football analysis and drinking stories. He told Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor “C’mon Sandy, baby, loosen up” before passing out drunk. Worth noting is that this was my dad’s favorite player which may explain some things. Anyway, here’s the bracket:
Darren McFadden: Called the best back in America by Sports Illustrated, and he’s an absolute beast. Him and possibly Steve Slaton are the only two college players I’d pay to watch their teams just because of them. Such a beast that someone tried to pick him in their NFL fantasy draft because it was a keeper league and he’d have him next year. Ok, let’s not foreshadow the numerous Arkansas games I’m going to watch this fall because of my man crush. He also has a pimped out Crown Victoria that’s way too ridiculous for a college player (I’m glad booster money is going towards 26” rims). Nearly missed all of last season because of a toe injury resulting in a bar fight. Worth noting is that he was wearing flip flops which greatly contributed to the injury marking the first time a black person ever wore flip flops to a club. I enjoy his “Arkansas Bred” and “501 Boy” tats. Crazy ass country boys.
Ricky Davis: Apparently the hardest partier in the NBA. Once took a shot at his own basket to get a triple double. Is allegedly the mind behind the first cheerleaders for the Celtics. Once tried to go through his legs on a breakaway during a game, and missed it. He’d probably have a better chance of winning this whole thing if I knew more of his drinking stories.
Chris Anderson: Technically not in the league anymore, but he has awful tats and failed a drug test and no one know which drug it was (assuming its beyond weed). Has the nickname “Birdman” which I would pay half of what’s in my bank account to have something that cool (I’m named after a purple dinosaur who entertains 3 year olds for God’s sake). He also had the worst performance in the history of the dunk contest, but said, “It’s time for the Birdman to fly.” I’m not going to lie, I needed to get this field to 16 and he’s a throw in. That quote was the equivalent of winning the SWAC conference.
Clinton Portis: A heavy favorite in the Riggins region. Has a stripper pole in his house and tried to explain to MTV cribs that it was because he wanted to be a fireman while growing up and this is his tribute to them. Used to dress up in various characters during media day interviews in the 2005 season for no other reason than to be entertaining. If he had said, “If I get in trouble this summer, just say it was a young guy having fun,” a year earlier it would have been my away message every time I went out in college. Got himself a championship belt for winning the rushing title and was the last running back to be a problem in fantasy leagues from Denver.
And finally, we have the Chrebet region. If there’s an equivalent in my athletic career, it’s Wayne Chrebet. Too small, too slow for most people. Works his ass off. Reps the tough streets of Long Island. Plus his career was cut short by concussions. He’s my favorite Jets player and he would have won the Who’s Barney competition from 1998-2002 hands down, when I was a gym rat and wasn’t quite an alcoholic yet. Here’s his region:Ron Artest: Where do I start? Once tried to take a job at Circuit City as a rookie with the Bulls to get the employee discount. Made the most awful/enjoyable rap album ever (I’ll eventually get around to reviewing it in the episode I was born to write). Started the greatest brawl in professional sports history. My friend Floyd Banks saw him on the PATH is sweatpants and a wife beater (meaning he’s a classy guy). I have better things to do (actually I don’t, but I just don’t feel like doing it) than to spend all day listing Ron Ron’s credentials to be included in this competition. Just know that he would have won from 2003-2005 hands down in there was a competition. He’s like any dominant US athlete in 1980. They would have won the gold if the US had competed in Moscow.
Zach Randolph: Floored me during an MTV cribs episode when his pool table had the Star of David on it. His high school coach is happy that he wakes up in the morning and Z-Bo isn’t dead or arrested (Who says you need to set high expectations? In the words of Chris Rock, “You’re not supposed to go to jail you ignorant motherfucker.”) Ran a train on a stripper and then invited her to the Portland Art Museum for a concert the next day (classy dude right there). The last of the real Jailblazers. I’ve delved into him in the past, so I’ll end it right now.
Rob Dyrdek: ESPN’s Who’s Now had people who aren’t real athletes (I’m looking at you Shaun White), so I feel obligated to put an extreme athlete. So I went with Rob, who’s on my second favorite show on MTV right now besides Hollyhood (the only two shows I watch on that network). He did compete for a $5,000 tournament in Tampa in season 2 so I can consider him a professional in this competition. Owns a mini horse just because he can. Has a picture of him, his bodyguard and dog in style of the infamous Death Row picture of Suge, Dre and Snoop. I would pay two weeks of my salary to be able to pull that one off. Spends his endorsement money on buying wigs and outrageous get ups.
Finally, Chad Johnson: Gave himself the nickname “Ocho Cinco” which isn’t even grammatically correct. Raced a horse in the off season. Wears a mohawk. Most entertaining interview in sports. Most original touchdown dances. A gym rat who sleeps at the Bengals facility. Responsible for K-Dog becoming a Bengals fan. Him on HBO’s Inside the NFL yelling at Carson Palmer that the guy who covering him “sucks” was highly entertaining. I know I’m leaving stuff out, but let’s just say that I highly enjoy his body of work.
So that’s it. Over the next week or so (we’ll see how many hours I’m working) we’ll go through the brackets and get a winner. This is all an attempt for me to not reveal my NFL thoughts and thus tipping my fantasy hand.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Ridin Dirty
Welcome to another exciting episode of The Barney Show, where this time our protagonist goes to Texas. Actually, this is a running thing we do here and the actual origin of the blog. I think my friends got tired of me clogging their inboxes with e-mails from Texas so they complemented my writing and said that other people might want to read this. I still don’t believe them, and yet I continue to write. Oh well, its not like I’m going to do anything else productive besides drinking. Anyway, just in case there are more than 3 readers who are unfamiliar with my situation, I go to Texas to see my ex-girlfriend and our daughter. Most of these episodes center on the fish out of water story with me in Texas, but this one might get a little more into my real life. By the way, don’t push me because I really close to the edge on this one. I was thinking about the potential downside of getting “Fuck the World” tatted somewhere on me. This episode will be even more irrational than usual. As usual with Texas columns, we’re doing quotes. I’ve been bumping the new UGK album in Texas none the less, so I’ll try and put as many quotes from them and Three 6 Mafia (they’re not from Texas, but Southern Virginia to Texas is pretty much the same to me). Let’s start off with some quotes from UGK’s latest single (produced by Three 6 none the less):
“Better choose the right one or pick, pick the kiddies up.”
- Big Boi
Ummmm….thanks Big Boi. Just stab me in the heart while you’re at it. Thanks, really.
“Never fuck without a rubber.”
- Pimp C
No really guys, you don’t have to rub it in. I’m good. I feel like this song was written to antagonize me at sometimes. Yet I keep listening to it because I love the beat. Plus it reminds me that, hey, I could be in Paul McCartney’s situation. Let’s just move on to the random stuff that has nothing to do with anything of consequence.
“We gone fuck her in the back of the bus, and fill her nose up full of that dust.”
“Do me like Bill Clinton girl, take it out of your mouth, we’ll shoot it right down on your dress.”
- Three 6 Mafia
This one is so big, it needs two quotes. I’m driving out of the rental place at DFW, and within 5 miles of the airport is The White House, which is of more possible significance than the actual White House. That’s where Michael Irvin got caught with coke and a bunch of hookers. I’ve driven past it like 5 times and that was the first time it actually clicked in my head that that was the place. I almost crashed my rental. It also has the exact same look as the actual White House. Say what you want about Michael Irvin, but don’t say the man is not classy. Also, if you’re going to call him black, make sure you mention that he’s rich as well.
Within 10 miles of the White House I see those buildings that were demolished in a giant gas explosion that was all over the news a few weeks ago. I was looking forward to seeing those. Unfortunately, it’s at a location where about 3 interstates are merging so I didn’t get a good look. We’re 500 words in and already I’ve said at least I’m not Paul McCartney and seeing burnt out buildings was a highlight. This might be the least positive column I’ve written yet.
“Better choose the right one or pick, pick the kiddies up.”
- Big Boi
Ummmm….thanks Big Boi. Just stab me in the heart while you’re at it. Thanks, really.
“Never fuck without a rubber.”
- Pimp C
No really guys, you don’t have to rub it in. I’m good. I feel like this song was written to antagonize me at sometimes. Yet I keep listening to it because I love the beat. Plus it reminds me that, hey, I could be in Paul McCartney’s situation. Let’s just move on to the random stuff that has nothing to do with anything of consequence.
“We gone fuck her in the back of the bus, and fill her nose up full of that dust.”
“Do me like Bill Clinton girl, take it out of your mouth, we’ll shoot it right down on your dress.”
- Three 6 Mafia
This one is so big, it needs two quotes. I’m driving out of the rental place at DFW, and within 5 miles of the airport is The White House, which is of more possible significance than the actual White House. That’s where Michael Irvin got caught with coke and a bunch of hookers. I’ve driven past it like 5 times and that was the first time it actually clicked in my head that that was the place. I almost crashed my rental. It also has the exact same look as the actual White House. Say what you want about Michael Irvin, but don’t say the man is not classy. Also, if you’re going to call him black, make sure you mention that he’s rich as well.
Within 10 miles of the White House I see those buildings that were demolished in a giant gas explosion that was all over the news a few weeks ago. I was looking forward to seeing those. Unfortunately, it’s at a location where about 3 interstates are merging so I didn’t get a good look. We’re 500 words in and already I’ve said at least I’m not Paul McCartney and seeing burnt out buildings was a highlight. This might be the least positive column I’ve written yet.
I'd also like to note that Darren McFadden's mom said that he'll be going pro after this season. Dallas sports radio was all over this one saying they want to draft him already. At first I was like, "he'll never drop that far," before realizing that Dallas has Cleveland's pick, which has a good chance to be # 1. So yes, Dallas could get McFadden. Bastards. I'm already excited for McFadden this season (he'll be included in a special feature I start at the end of the week), and now I'll have to be secretly pissed off that he might go to Dallas next year. That's right, its August and I'm already preparing for the NFL draft. Never too early I say. I'm also can't wait for Cleveland to realize that they gave up a chance at McFadden for a guy who shaves his chest (I've disowned Brady. He's just done too much gay stuff recently. (google AJ Hawk's wedding pictures if you haven't seen an example). I'm actually embarrassed that I rooted for him for 4 years.) and they disband the franchise.
“My baby mama/she want child support/she get welfare checks/but we stay in court. My baby mama, she be ridin Cady, and she always looking for sugar daddies.”
- Three 6 Mafia
I get down to Texas and find out that my baby mama is dating someone else (Someone needs to come up with a classier term than baby mama. Not for the sake of this blog, but for social situations with normal people. How do I introduce her? I thought about “mother of my child” but it sounded too much out of The Godfather. I need to think about this.), which was a pleasant surprise (I guess it was pleasant because I was able to rationalize drinking Jack as soon as I got there. Other than that, pleasant was not the word). And they were spending Sunday together so that I could spend time with my daughter. I really did enjoying spending time with her, but its kind of like me saying to her, “I won’t make child support payments this month” and rationalizing that this will give her more incentive to get a job. I just thought of that analogy right now and that’s the problem with my life. I can think of really good comebacks, just 36 hours too late.
“I’m funny how? Like a clown? Do I amuse you?”
- Pesci
One good thing might come out of this. Apparently the guy she’s dating works on some ranch for rich people with a lake, so he takes them on the lake, teaches them how to horseback ride, etc (ahh, irony, I really do miss you sometimes. I spent 5 years of my life working at the Rec center only to be replaced by someone who does it better than me. I should have told her about my incredible ability to officiate basketball games between 7 year olds). His job is to make sure these rich people have fun. So, on his business card he has “Fun Guy” listed under his name. I’m suddenly rooting for this relationship to go somewhere. I’m looking forward to having a conversation with this guy.
Dude: Stupid joke
Me: “You’re a funny guy.”
Dude: “I’m funny how? Like a clown? Do I amuse you?”
Me: “No, its on your business card homey.”
That joke will never get old. When your life is at the point mine is now, you take any victory you can. Another plus is that I think we’re both scared shitless to have sex as this point. I got a text message last month “We were really careful last time right? There’s no way I could be pregnant, right?” at work. Nothing complements questions from corporate execs and 16 hour days like the pending results of an unplanned pregnancy test. How I didn’t have a heart attack that week is beyond me. So hopefully she won’t be banging Fun Guy anytime soon.
Let’s interrupt before I start threatening stewardesses on my flight out of frustration to bring you The Peter King Memorial Interesting/Annoying Travel notes:
AirTran features free XM radio on all its flights. I have to say I enjoy this. They have a station that plays all 90s songs. I’m writing this now while listening to Color Me Badd’s “I Wanna Sex You Up.” Reminiscing over some of these songs makes the three hour flight go by a lot quicker. It’s really helping me since I’m not drinking because its not even 10 AM.
Also, the reggae channel is called “The Joint”. Subtle XM, subtle.
My rental car featured no power locks or power windows. I had to manually roll down my windows which sucked. You haven’t felt like a douche until you pull up to McDonald’s drive thru and the person has to wait for you to roll down your window. I will never purchase a Chevy Cobalt for as long as I live.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: the terrorist have won if we continue to not let liquid through airport security. If my God-given right to put bourbon in a bottle of coke to get me through a flight is taken away, I’m not sure if I want to live. I’ll take this up as my cause along with fighting communist strippers.
“La, La, La, Luuuuukkke. I am your faaaatheeerrr.”
- Tommy Boy
So one of the things my daughter enjoys doing is going up to the fan in her room and talking into it. She likes hearing how it distorts her voice and laughs every time. I’m glad she’s already using a classic bit. Next time I see her, I’m taking her newborn clothes, putting them on her and we’re going to sing “Fat Guy in a Little Coat.”
“Henny in my cup.”- Pimp C
So I went to purchase the said Jack mentioned above and noticed that the liquor store didn’t have Henn Rock in it. I’m willing to write this off as a small mom and pop store being out of stock, but if this becomes a recurring thing, I might have to rethink this whole moving to Texas thing. Though I haven’t had too much Henny lately, mostly because with the amount I drink, it would do serious budget damage.
Let’s interrupt song and movie quotes to give actual quotes I’ve heard said to me in the past week. There of these are real, one is not, can you guess which one isn’t?“I don’t think me and you would work. I think you’d come home from work stressed and go run so you wouldn’t have to deal with us. Actually, you’d probably run in the morning and drink half a bottle of scotch when you got home.”
“You really do have some real emotional problems.”
“I think I’d end up killing you if we we’re together.”
“Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to that. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.”
The first one was from my BM. I really considered saying, you’re pretty much dead on, except that I’m on bourbon instead of scotch now. The second was from my manager. It’s always a good sign that your life is such a fucking disaster that co-workers with whom you share as little about your life as possible can accurately describe your life. The third one is from my BM as well. The fourth one is from Billy Madison. Though if you hadn’t known that, I think I’d be pretty tough to decide, right? Oh well, I can forget about it all with a few shots of Henry McKenna.
Hold up, is that Puff Daddy? I’ll Be Missing You? Man, I’m getting old. That was 10 freakin’ years ago. I used to get a little emotional about this one until I finally understood that it was a chance to cash in on Biggie’s death. We’re not going to discuss my reaction to “We’ll Always Miss Big Poppa.” I get choked up hearing that one, because it’s real. (And how would Big feel that I’m actively bumping stuff from the south because I’ve damn near given up on New York? That’s a future episode that I’m working on, but suffice to say, I’m not too proud to be from NY these days).
That didn’t stop me however, from wearing my Mets fitted around Texas this weekend. I refuse to wear a Yankee hat, but I’m encouraging them to call me a Yankee at this point.
“Fuck you cracker.”
- Barney
This has nothing to do with my Texas trip. I just wanted the reader to know that I successfully incorporated this phrase into conversation with 5 coworkers on Friday, including one manager. It’s always been a goal of mine. Either that or it’ll get me fired. I really don’t care at this point. And for the record, it killed.
”She loves her work more than she loves me, and honestly at 23, I would probably love my work more that I did she. So we, ain’t we, it’s me and her, cause what she prefers over me is work.”
- Hov
To be completely honest, it’s not like I’m winning father of the year over here either. I’m Beyonce in that quote, and that quote basically sums up our relationship. Except that I don’t love my work, I’m forced to do it because everyone else is incompetent. Ok, one more moronic observation and we’ll wrap this episode up.
“”
- Barney
There are some things in life that literally leave you speechless. They make the entire trip, the airfare and car rental, and all the other BS I have to deal with worth it. One of these was seeing my daughter smile while we were playing with bubbles. The other was seeing that her family’s Tivo’d Kenny Chesney concert. There’s a part where Kenny goes, “I’d like to introduce a man who needs no introduction in the state of Tennessee…”, and out walks Peyton Manning in jeans, a giant belt buckle with the shirt tucked in and a cowboy hat. He then proceeds to sing with Kenny. I was literally speechless for 5 minutes. I wasn’t sure that actually happened until they put it on again the next day and not for comedic value.
By the way, my BM’s mom is rooting for a Giants/Colts Super Bowl so she could see the Manning’s would face each other. Being that she could kick me out of her house at any minute, I decided to not discuss this any further, but that’s my vision of hell right there. I always thought that thing about that being a network’s wet dream wasn’t true, but I guess I was wrong. Fortunately, it depends on Tom Coughlin’s coaching ability, so I feel confident that it won’t be significantly hotter in early February 2008.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
This is Why I'm Hot (sorry, hot should be replaced with F'd Up)
I had a revelation the other day and it wasn’t at 3 AM. This one occurred when I was watching the Yankee game on Fox and it was Old Timer’s Day at the Stadium. They showed a clip of Daryl Strawberry sliding into 3rd base. This caused me great pain. Seeing him living his retirement as a Yankee was almost a traumatic experience. Daryl was the first athlete I ever idolized. So much that I wanted my mom to name my youngest brother Daryl when I was 5 years old. In my mind, its still 1988 and he’s doing his big leg kick in a lighter shade of blue pinstripes and him being the guy who made the Big Apple pop up in centerfield (the coolest thing ever for a 5 year old). I even own and wear a Strawberry # 18 Mets t-shirt now. And I don’t really wear it for its comedic effects (though it does bring down the house. I think that was the highlight of my last New Year’s Eve, having people say, “Only you would wear a Daryl Strawberry jersey to a New Year’s Party.”) Unfortunately, 5 year old Barney didn’t understand what Mr. Strawberry was doing off the field. I saw his rap sheet the other day on wikipedia, and I was floored. There was a lot more that I didn’t know about.
The Mets of the late ‘80s were the first team I ever fell in love with. I cried when they lost to the Dodgers in the 1988 playoffs. I must have watched the video of the 1986 championship team at least 20 times (I still give Jay’s “You belong to the city” song off Volume 1 a lot more credit than it deserves. You know why? The sample he uses was in that 1986 video. I still remember that). I can name probably 10 players on that team to this day. I don’t think I could name 10 players on any other team in MLB right now outside the Red Sox, Yankees and Mets.
So my revelation is that this team contributed a lot to what you read about in this blog. My idol was a cokehead, and the rest of my favorite team wasn’t much better. Let’s go through some of the rest of the members of those teams in the late ‘80s:
Doc Gooden: It’s never good the closest analogy to Lindsay Lohan’s career is yours.
Kevin McReynolds: Was allegedly doing coke in the bathroom of a airplane when the door swung open. The entire team saw him. The entire team did nothing.
Mookie Wilson: Never did anything bad to my knowledge, but I liked him just for the fact that his name was Mookie. Ever 5 year old Barney knew the value of a kooky name.
Wally Backman: Was fired from managing the Diamonbacks before spring training because he lied on his resume and didn’t tell them he had a DUI. Since then he’s been arrested for spousal abuse and a bunch of other things and I think he just got fired from some minor league team.
Kevin Mitchell: He hit forty something home runs in San Francisco after he left NY out of nowhere. He was Brady Anderson before Brady Anderson, people forget this. He made that bare handed catch of a pop up which I still can picture even though I haven’t seen it in like 10 years (and have had multiple head injuries). Oh, and he once punch his dad for not paying rent at one of the houses he owned.
Howard Johnson and Davey Johnson: The 3rd baseman and manager provided tons of comedy because their last names was the term used to describe my genitalia at age 5, because my parents didn’t want me saying things like “penis”. My mom probably cursed herself every day during baseball season that she chose that word.
I think I’m leaving some others out, but that was the team I followed growing up. No wonder I’m not normal. And for the record, I’m not mad at Daryl for that Yankees thing. Steinbrenner did a lot more than he should have in taking care of Daryl (this will probably be the only time I applaud the Boss in this blog). After all he’s gone through I’m just glad he’s sober and basically that he’s alive. I rooted for his son at Maryland just because I want Daryl to be somewhat happy. He might not have turned out to be the 500 home run member I thought he would be, but that’s ok, he’s taught me enough.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Pacman & Jeter
"I haven't been arrested six times. I've only been arrested twice. I've been accused and people have put warrants out on me numerous other times, but as of today I'm on no probation, I haven't been charged with anything, so I'm just keeping my head up and make sure I'm doing everything to make sure I'm all right with myself."
- Pacman Jones while wearing a Coogi t-shirt
I love him rationalizing that he's had numerous warrants. The man is slowly becoming my idol. He's not quite at Clinton Portis levels yet though. I'm pissed off that I'm going to miss his wrestling debut tonight on Spike TV. I have weeknight plans once a month, and its scheduled on Pacman's debut. Ain't that my luck. Oh well, at least I'll be hammered.
Just for the record, So I'm just keeping my head up and make sure I'm doing everything to make sure I'm all right with myself would be a Top 20 contender for the replacement quote if I had to redo my high school yearbook quote.
But cheering me up is this:
http://laragmag.com/2007/08/09/la-rag-mag-exclusive-jessica-alba-got-herpes-from-derek-jeter/
Is it bad that I'm enjoying other people's misery this much.
Just remember kids, Jeter Sucks, A-Rod Swallows. And they probably need Valtrax because of it.
- Pacman Jones while wearing a Coogi t-shirt
I love him rationalizing that he's had numerous warrants. The man is slowly becoming my idol. He's not quite at Clinton Portis levels yet though. I'm pissed off that I'm going to miss his wrestling debut tonight on Spike TV. I have weeknight plans once a month, and its scheduled on Pacman's debut. Ain't that my luck. Oh well, at least I'll be hammered.
Just for the record, So I'm just keeping my head up and make sure I'm doing everything to make sure I'm all right with myself would be a Top 20 contender for the replacement quote if I had to redo my high school yearbook quote.
But cheering me up is this:
http://laragmag.com/2007/08/09/la-rag-mag-exclusive-jessica-alba-got-herpes-from-derek-jeter/
Is it bad that I'm enjoying other people's misery this much.
Just remember kids, Jeter Sucks, A-Rod Swallows. And they probably need Valtrax because of it.
Friday, August 3, 2007
FREE OOKIE!!!
I came to a decision at 2:45 am last night (as usual my best thinking occurs at this hour), that I’m going to support Michael Vick. Now, I don’t believe for a second that he is innocent. But in the spirit of “innocent until proven guilty” (despite what Hov and R Kelly say), I’m going to support him. Ok, its not really on those principals, but entirely selfish reasons. Here are the real reasons The Barney Show’s new motto is “FREE OOKIE!!!”
1. As I wrote last week, this has become the most over blown thing in the history of media (with the possible exception of the Paris Hilton jail fiasco). Apparently Vick is the anti-Christ now. There have been a few articles about how this is ridiculous, so the pendulum is beginning to swing a bit, but not enough. We treat convicted terrorists better than him. The Free Ookie campaign is mostly going on because people are losing their minds. Let’s keep it in perspective people.
2. I too know the effects of animal cruelty and its effects on sports. My senior year of high school we were seeded # 2 (should have been # 1 but we had to forfeit a game for reasons I won’t go into now for fear of smashing my computer). Our star power forward and most athletic player (could touch the top of the box off one step easily) was convicted of ordering his dog to attack and kill a cat. What was particular damaging to his case was that there were witnesses testifying that he laughed while the cat was being attacked .He was the first to be convicted under new, stricter animal cruelty in our county. So he ended up spending a few days in jail over a dead fuckin’ cat. Unfortunately, these days in prison coincided with practices before the playoffs. So he came in and played on a Saturday without picking up a ball in a week and spending time in prison. He was not Kobe and his rust was evident and eventually contributed to our upset loss. I would kill a hundred fucking cats if we won the championship. A few dogs would be a small price to pay for an Atlanta Super Bowl in my mind.
3. The Barney Show also supports the Carmelo Anthony “Stop Snitchin’” program as well. And since Vick’s cousin turned witness last week (the same guy who probably hasn’t had to work a day in the past 5 years because of Vick), I can’t turn my back on Melo. With Iverson’s comments earlier, the Denver Nuggets definitely support Vick.
4. If Vick does beat this, it makes PETA and the federal government look bad. And if there’s two organizations that need to look bad, those are two very good ones to start. I loved the Jimmy Kimmel line about what PETA does if a bear is attacking a human. What a bunch of douchebags. If I get rich, right after I hire Jimmy King to watch my money, I’m buying the most offensive fur/animal coat ever, learning my rights with regards to what I can do to people who spray paint coats, and going as far as the law allows me in whooping their asses when they fuck up my girl’s coat.
5. Someone needs to keep making money for Marcus Vick to continue his hi-jinks. I don’t think Momma Vick is raking enough and those underage girls aren’t going to get drunk on their own.
6. I hold a special place in my heart “Old Number 7.” Just seeing his black jersey makes me think of Good Ol’ Jack.
7. Finally, I don’t want to remember Vick as the guy who wasted his career as a dogfighter. I tried to think of anything in sports more exciting than when Vick gets out of the pocket. I didn’t think that hard, but nothing came to mind (except of course anytime Ron Artest does anything, but that’s neither here nor there). I still want to experience that and not feel dirty for doing so.
So on that note Free Ookie and No Communist Strippers are the two hallmarks this blog will be based on.
1. As I wrote last week, this has become the most over blown thing in the history of media (with the possible exception of the Paris Hilton jail fiasco). Apparently Vick is the anti-Christ now. There have been a few articles about how this is ridiculous, so the pendulum is beginning to swing a bit, but not enough. We treat convicted terrorists better than him. The Free Ookie campaign is mostly going on because people are losing their minds. Let’s keep it in perspective people.
2. I too know the effects of animal cruelty and its effects on sports. My senior year of high school we were seeded # 2 (should have been # 1 but we had to forfeit a game for reasons I won’t go into now for fear of smashing my computer). Our star power forward and most athletic player (could touch the top of the box off one step easily) was convicted of ordering his dog to attack and kill a cat. What was particular damaging to his case was that there were witnesses testifying that he laughed while the cat was being attacked .He was the first to be convicted under new, stricter animal cruelty in our county. So he ended up spending a few days in jail over a dead fuckin’ cat. Unfortunately, these days in prison coincided with practices before the playoffs. So he came in and played on a Saturday without picking up a ball in a week and spending time in prison. He was not Kobe and his rust was evident and eventually contributed to our upset loss. I would kill a hundred fucking cats if we won the championship. A few dogs would be a small price to pay for an Atlanta Super Bowl in my mind.
3. The Barney Show also supports the Carmelo Anthony “Stop Snitchin’” program as well. And since Vick’s cousin turned witness last week (the same guy who probably hasn’t had to work a day in the past 5 years because of Vick), I can’t turn my back on Melo. With Iverson’s comments earlier, the Denver Nuggets definitely support Vick.
4. If Vick does beat this, it makes PETA and the federal government look bad. And if there’s two organizations that need to look bad, those are two very good ones to start. I loved the Jimmy Kimmel line about what PETA does if a bear is attacking a human. What a bunch of douchebags. If I get rich, right after I hire Jimmy King to watch my money, I’m buying the most offensive fur/animal coat ever, learning my rights with regards to what I can do to people who spray paint coats, and going as far as the law allows me in whooping their asses when they fuck up my girl’s coat.
5. Someone needs to keep making money for Marcus Vick to continue his hi-jinks. I don’t think Momma Vick is raking enough and those underage girls aren’t going to get drunk on their own.
6. I hold a special place in my heart “Old Number 7.” Just seeing his black jersey makes me think of Good Ol’ Jack.
7. Finally, I don’t want to remember Vick as the guy who wasted his career as a dogfighter. I tried to think of anything in sports more exciting than when Vick gets out of the pocket. I didn’t think that hard, but nothing came to mind (except of course anytime Ron Artest does anything, but that’s neither here nor there). I still want to experience that and not feel dirty for doing so.
So on that note Free Ookie and No Communist Strippers are the two hallmarks this blog will be based on.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Starbucks Quote # 1
I'm not sure how much you, the loyal reader, go to Starbucks, but I bet its probably not as much as me. At least 1 trip, usually 2 are the norm. Not so much that I like Starbucks, but there's two places within a block of my office building so its pretty much the easiest place to go. Anyway, they have these "The Way I See It" things on the back of their cups. Quotes from people about how they think the world should run. These ones usually piss me off tremendously, so I hope to start an occasional feature in which I sound off on ones that are particularly retarded.
"Imagine a world in which every single person on the planet is given free acces to the sum of all human knowledge. Wikis give us a place where anyone who is kind, thoughtful and intelligent can come and join in building a better and more rational world."
- Jimmy Wales, Founder of Wikipedia and wikia.com
I'm glad you're so optimistic Jimmy. You make it sound like the internet is a beacon of intelligence in which all of humanity betters. I'm not going to doubt that the internet is a great invention, I just don't see all of humanity celebrating its intellectual prowess. That's why the # 1 searches are related to pornography. So the response to Mr. Wales would be something along the lines of:
"What's that Jimmy, I couldn't hear your better and more rational world. I'm too busy watching two lesbians get double fisted. Then I'm going to go to Youtube and watching a dancing bear. I couldn't care less about research."
- The General Public
So Mr. Wales, please get off your high horse and just acknowledge that your imaginary world will not come true.
"Imagine a world in which every single person on the planet is given free acces to the sum of all human knowledge. Wikis give us a place where anyone who is kind, thoughtful and intelligent can come and join in building a better and more rational world."
- Jimmy Wales, Founder of Wikipedia and wikia.com
I'm glad you're so optimistic Jimmy. You make it sound like the internet is a beacon of intelligence in which all of humanity betters. I'm not going to doubt that the internet is a great invention, I just don't see all of humanity celebrating its intellectual prowess. That's why the # 1 searches are related to pornography. So the response to Mr. Wales would be something along the lines of:
"What's that Jimmy, I couldn't hear your better and more rational world. I'm too busy watching two lesbians get double fisted. Then I'm going to go to Youtube and watching a dancing bear. I couldn't care less about research."
- The General Public
So Mr. Wales, please get off your high horse and just acknowledge that your imaginary world will not come true.
The Simpsons Movie
If you had asked me back in 1999 how excited I would be, on a scale of 1-10, to go see The Simpsons Movie, I probably would have responded something along the lines of 27.5. Fast forward to 2007, and it’s in the solid 6-7 range. Being that I really haven’t seen a new episode since about 2001, that seems about right. I grew up memorizing episodes of seasons 4-9 and then for some reason, just stopped about there. And it’s not just me, it seems like every Simpsons fan I know stopped at roughly the same point. We also didn’t really watch new episodes on Sunday nights, we watched the hour of repeats that was on every weeknight. It wasn’t uncommon to watch 5 hours of The Simpsons a week. So how would the movie version stack up? I’d say, not too well.
I started the movie off in a pissed off mood because of the demographics involved in the theater I was at. I got to my seat 20 minutes before it was supposed to start and it was just me and a handful of guys in the 18-24 demographic. I guess these were the hardcore fans. After that, it was as I’d like to say, “not hardcore fans.” I sat next to a handful of 12 year old girls. They seemed genuinely interested in seeing the live action Alvin and the Chipmunks movie coming out this Christmas. Probably a day doesn’t go by when I don’t make at least one Simpsons reference that inevitably gets picked up by one of my friends. We don’t even think about it anymore, it’s just part of conversation. To other people who overhear, we sound like a bunch of idiots. Well, apparently those idiots thought enough of the movie to go see it and bring their youngest daughter. I felt like someone who followed an indie band through their first 2 albums, and the third one goes like 5 times platinum. It’s not the same feeling when something you thought was your own is bastardized to the general public.
After getting over this, and trying to enjoy the movie, it seemed like they fell back into their familiar “Homer’s a complete idiot and we won’t even try to make a plot that’s even remotely makes sense” thing that the past few seasons have been. Too many physical comedy gags (to the delight of Joe Q Public) and not enough witty one liners that I’ve come to enjoy. Also, is it me or does every movie based on a cartoon have to involve the main characters trying to save their town (i.e. South Park and Spongebob)? The movie stretched on too long as well. I was contemplating falling asleep during their excursion to Alaska which the only purpose I could tell was to add another state to the list Homer and the family has visited.
Finally, it really pissed me off that they basically gave a big F You to their fans from all these years. There were exactly two references to other episodes that I can remember (Homer and Bart going over Springfield Gorge and the running which state is Springfield in gag). Other than that, nothing. If I had been drinking I might have gotten up and yelled “And how many of you get that joke? Three of you? Fuck you all,” after the gorge scene. I sat in the theater until the credits were over waiting for Comic Book Guy to appear and say, “Worst Movie Ever,” because he has to right? They couldn’t not put that in somewhere. That’s just too easy a punch line, right? Unfortunately I was wrong.
Maybe I’m getting too worked up about this. Maybe sitting next to 12 year old girls set me off and that tainted my entire experience. Or maybe I’m right on the ball. Who knows? I’m probably too bitter at the world right now to tell the difference (and on that note, its back to work for this guy).
I started the movie off in a pissed off mood because of the demographics involved in the theater I was at. I got to my seat 20 minutes before it was supposed to start and it was just me and a handful of guys in the 18-24 demographic. I guess these were the hardcore fans. After that, it was as I’d like to say, “not hardcore fans.” I sat next to a handful of 12 year old girls. They seemed genuinely interested in seeing the live action Alvin and the Chipmunks movie coming out this Christmas. Probably a day doesn’t go by when I don’t make at least one Simpsons reference that inevitably gets picked up by one of my friends. We don’t even think about it anymore, it’s just part of conversation. To other people who overhear, we sound like a bunch of idiots. Well, apparently those idiots thought enough of the movie to go see it and bring their youngest daughter. I felt like someone who followed an indie band through their first 2 albums, and the third one goes like 5 times platinum. It’s not the same feeling when something you thought was your own is bastardized to the general public.
After getting over this, and trying to enjoy the movie, it seemed like they fell back into their familiar “Homer’s a complete idiot and we won’t even try to make a plot that’s even remotely makes sense” thing that the past few seasons have been. Too many physical comedy gags (to the delight of Joe Q Public) and not enough witty one liners that I’ve come to enjoy. Also, is it me or does every movie based on a cartoon have to involve the main characters trying to save their town (i.e. South Park and Spongebob)? The movie stretched on too long as well. I was contemplating falling asleep during their excursion to Alaska which the only purpose I could tell was to add another state to the list Homer and the family has visited.
Finally, it really pissed me off that they basically gave a big F You to their fans from all these years. There were exactly two references to other episodes that I can remember (Homer and Bart going over Springfield Gorge and the running which state is Springfield in gag). Other than that, nothing. If I had been drinking I might have gotten up and yelled “And how many of you get that joke? Three of you? Fuck you all,” after the gorge scene. I sat in the theater until the credits were over waiting for Comic Book Guy to appear and say, “Worst Movie Ever,” because he has to right? They couldn’t not put that in somewhere. That’s just too easy a punch line, right? Unfortunately I was wrong.
Maybe I’m getting too worked up about this. Maybe sitting next to 12 year old girls set me off and that tainted my entire experience. Or maybe I’m right on the ball. Who knows? I’m probably too bitter at the world right now to tell the difference (and on that note, its back to work for this guy).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)