As a continuation of an ongoing segment, my girl LA is covering Monday’s Wizards-Pacers game. She asked me for some questions to ask the visiting team. This is what I submitted. Check the papers Tuesday for the results. I’m pretty sure none of these will be answered.
To Jermaine O’Neal:
“You just returned from injury. Are you sure they got all the sand out of your vagina this time?”
“Would you agree that your greatest performance ever was when you played in that pickup game that was captured in a Nike commercial? You were blocking shots with your elbow. It was impressive.”
“What were you thinking when you did your famous sliding ice punch (not my words) in the Palace Brawl to knock out Turtle from Entourage?"
To Jamal Tinsley:
“The club you got shot at, that was a strip club, right?”
“Do you sometimes miss Stephen Jackson coming along with you to strip clubs?”
“Have you ever beaten anybody with a dust pan, because you looked pretty vicious that night in Detroit with it?”
“You’re nickname at the Rucker is ‘The Abuser.’ Because of Megan’s Law, do your neighbors need to be informed when you move into their neighborhood?”
To Mike Dunleavy:
“With all these felons on your team, what do you and Troy Murphy talk about? Old Seinfeld episodes? Does Travis Diener get involved?”
“Do you have incriminating photos of Chris Mullins? Because if not, you should have never gotten the contract you got from him.”
To Assistant Coach Dick Harder:
“Ever consider going by Richard, or Rich?”
To Ronald “Flip” Murray :
“How many times have you listened to Lil’ Flip’s ‘Game Over’, you know the one where they chant “Flip” over and over? My guess is 10,487. Too high?”
To David Harrison:
“You got suspended earlier in the year for smoking weed. You went to the University of Colorado . These two wouldn’t happen to be related would they? Because there are a lot of hippies in Boulder .”
To Kareem Rush:
“Wait, you’re still in the league? I thought you’d be in Italy now.”
“Your brother Brandon Rush just won the NCAA title. Has this made up for the shame your family felt when they were upset the past three years?”
To Troy Murphy:
“You went to Notre Dame. How ashamed are you that Brady Quinn is a fellow alum? And doesn’t the Catholic Church frown on his sort of behavior?”
To Shawne Williams:
“Please don’t have someone in your entourage shoot me.”
“You went to Memphis . What’s your favorite Three 6 Mafia song?”
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Top 7-Boss Edition
Back in my senior year in college, Floyd Banks used to play Slim Thug’s “Like a Boss” constantly. Why? Because I hated that song. “I call shots like a boss, stack knots like a boss…” You know where I’m taking this. Just an annoying ass song and Floyd would play it all the time, sometimes inducing fits of rage. Why am I telling you this? Because as of today, I, like Slim Thug, am a boss. I have moved into that not so enviable place in corporate America, middle management. I have 10 people that will report to me, most of them older than me. If you’re a fan of this blog (and judging by the attendance, you’re not), then you’re probably thinking this is a bad idea. I’m way ahead of you. I now present the Top 7 Reasons me being a manager is a bad thing.
7. When told of this new development, the first rap line that popped into my head was, “Forget Tony Danza, I’m the boss.” Do you know who said that? If you said Shaq on a Fu-Schnickins songs, you would be correct, and I would call bullshit on you because I highly doubt there is anyone else out there who could do 1993 Shaq lyrics off the top of their head.
6. I’ve spent time checking out a thesaurus for different things to call my term in office: The Barney Administration, Regime, tenure, commission. I’m still working the kinks out. Note that Jay-Z took two of these already, so it’ll make things tough.
5. My overarching message will probably be, “Well, I might be doing a bad job, but at least I’m not as bad as Isiah Thomas was.” Setting the bar pretty low there.
4. There is apparently a picture floating around of me wasted (surprise, surprise) with two of my female co-workers who will now be reporting to me slapping my ass. I do not recall this happening, but they have assured me there is a picture. So I’m either going to be fired for harassment or be blackmailed during evaluations.
3. I can now shout out, “I MANAGE PEOPLE. I’M IMPORTANT. I…I…I DRIVE A CHEVY LUMINA.” In fact, I’m thinking I might trade it in for a Dodge Stratus just to complete the effect.
2. I was considering playing Rick Ross’s new single, “The Boss” during my first meeting. That would probably be the first time anyone’s done that in Corporate America unless The Source just changed management. Then I reconsidered because one of the first lines he spits is, “Always wear plastic, cause baby shit happens.” Since I obviously did not follow that advice, I will not be entering to Rick Ross. I’m going to be incompetent, but I won’t lie.
1. People’s first concern when finding this out was, “Wait, Barney, if you’re my manager, and we’re at the bar, and you tell us to do a shot, do we have to do it because you’re our boss?” My response: “That’s not my management style. I lead by example. So I will be doing shots with you.” I see this ending well.
7. When told of this new development, the first rap line that popped into my head was, “Forget Tony Danza, I’m the boss.” Do you know who said that? If you said Shaq on a Fu-Schnickins songs, you would be correct, and I would call bullshit on you because I highly doubt there is anyone else out there who could do 1993 Shaq lyrics off the top of their head.
6. I’ve spent time checking out a thesaurus for different things to call my term in office: The Barney Administration, Regime, tenure, commission. I’m still working the kinks out. Note that Jay-Z took two of these already, so it’ll make things tough.
5. My overarching message will probably be, “Well, I might be doing a bad job, but at least I’m not as bad as Isiah Thomas was.” Setting the bar pretty low there.
4. There is apparently a picture floating around of me wasted (surprise, surprise) with two of my female co-workers who will now be reporting to me slapping my ass. I do not recall this happening, but they have assured me there is a picture. So I’m either going to be fired for harassment or be blackmailed during evaluations.
3. I can now shout out, “I MANAGE PEOPLE. I’M IMPORTANT. I…I…I DRIVE A CHEVY LUMINA.” In fact, I’m thinking I might trade it in for a Dodge Stratus just to complete the effect.
2. I was considering playing Rick Ross’s new single, “The Boss” during my first meeting. That would probably be the first time anyone’s done that in Corporate America unless The Source just changed management. Then I reconsidered because one of the first lines he spits is, “Always wear plastic, cause baby shit happens.” Since I obviously did not follow that advice, I will not be entering to Rick Ross. I’m going to be incompetent, but I won’t lie.
1. People’s first concern when finding this out was, “Wait, Barney, if you’re my manager, and we’re at the bar, and you tell us to do a shot, do we have to do it because you’re our boss?” My response: “That’s not my management style. I lead by example. So I will be doing shots with you.” I see this ending well.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Tournament Thoughts
I haven’t said much about the NCAA tournament. But that won’t stop me from hastily putting together some random thoughts on it.
Player of the tournament was definitely Stephen Curry. I watched the game against Wisconsin and was rooting for him, and I had money on Wisconsin (Why I bet on a Big Ten team, I’ll never know. I guess I deserved that for forgetting one of my rules in life). He was doing things Gladiator style. He was definitely winning over the crowd as they were surprised when he missed. I kept waiting for him to jump on the scorer’s table, rip off his shirt, throw it into the crowd and yell, “Are you not entertained?”
My second favorite player of the tournament was Kansas’s Sasha Kahn. He sounds like a villain who should have a lair. Or someone selling me rye bread. One or the other.
Do you think Mario Chalmers’s nickname is “Super Nintendo”? Because that’s what I’ve always thought of when he plays since he joined Kansas . Or are today’s college players above Ralph Wiggum references.
Final Kansas note: I feel really bad for that senior guard who shattered his kneecap on Friday’s media practice. Your last two games are spent on the bench watching your team win a national championship.
Can anyone motivate like John Calipari? His post game press conferences had me wanting to go and suit up.
This may sound blasphemous as a blogger, but honestly, if I had to choose only one, I’d go with Bill Raftery over Gus Johnson. Gus is better at a close game, but I think Raftery makes the entire game better. He had my favorite moment of the tournament during the Xavier-WVU game:
Verne Lundquist: “The answer is to take it off.”
Raftery: “Sometimes at night I favor that myself.”
It took me two seconds to realize that actually happened, and then I lost it.
I’m not dissing Gus at all. If I became President, one of the first laws I would enact would be to mandate that Gus Johnson and Billy Boy do Final Four games. I would also prosecute Billy Packer to the fullest extent of the law.
Finally, They played “One Shining Moment” on the radio this morning and it put a hop in my step going to work. At least until 10:30 when it all hit the fan. But act like you don’t like “One Shining Moment” and I’ll call you a liar.
And this concludes a shitty tournament recap.
Player of the tournament was definitely Stephen Curry. I watched the game against Wisconsin and was rooting for him, and I had money on Wisconsin (Why I bet on a Big Ten team, I’ll never know. I guess I deserved that for forgetting one of my rules in life). He was doing things Gladiator style. He was definitely winning over the crowd as they were surprised when he missed. I kept waiting for him to jump on the scorer’s table, rip off his shirt, throw it into the crowd and yell, “Are you not entertained?”
My second favorite player of the tournament was Kansas’s Sasha Kahn. He sounds like a villain who should have a lair. Or someone selling me rye bread. One or the other.
Do you think Mario Chalmers’s nickname is “Super Nintendo”? Because that’s what I’ve always thought of when he plays since he joined Kansas . Or are today’s college players above Ralph Wiggum references.
Final Kansas note: I feel really bad for that senior guard who shattered his kneecap on Friday’s media practice. Your last two games are spent on the bench watching your team win a national championship.
Can anyone motivate like John Calipari? His post game press conferences had me wanting to go and suit up.
This may sound blasphemous as a blogger, but honestly, if I had to choose only one, I’d go with Bill Raftery over Gus Johnson. Gus is better at a close game, but I think Raftery makes the entire game better. He had my favorite moment of the tournament during the Xavier-WVU game:
Verne Lundquist: “The answer is to take it off.”
Raftery: “Sometimes at night I favor that myself.”
It took me two seconds to realize that actually happened, and then I lost it.
I’m not dissing Gus at all. If I became President, one of the first laws I would enact would be to mandate that Gus Johnson and Billy Boy do Final Four games. I would also prosecute Billy Packer to the fullest extent of the law.
Finally, They played “One Shining Moment” on the radio this morning and it put a hop in my step going to work. At least until 10:30 when it all hit the fan. But act like you don’t like “One Shining Moment” and I’ll call you a liar.
And this concludes a shitty tournament recap.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
The Barney Show Interview
We interrupt your regularly scheduled incoherentness to bring you this installment of The Barney Interview. This month’s guest, J-Man. You know the format. 10 questions. My guest answers and then I do. Let’s get right into it since I’m horrible at segues.
How do you know Barney?
J-Man: Barney's my brother, we grew up together in a very small house. I seem to remember something about being put in a garbage can by him when I was very young. Traumatic... truly traumatic.
Barney: I’d like to set the record straight. We were playing Sesame Street and J-Man was supposed to be Oscar the Grouch, so he went into the garbage can. Just because I quit playing immediately after he got into the garbage can doesn’t mean I wanted to throw him away. There’s some reasonable doubt there, right?
J-Man is also known for solving math theorem’s that he wasn’t taught on SAT II tests and for having a Vancouver Grizzly jersey that might have been the ugliest thing ever made.
When did you realize that your engineering background made life less fun?
J: When I realized that I was taking pride in my TI-89. People were comparing their graphing calculators, and I was being pretty cocky because I had a nice one. I realized what I was doing and thought to myself, "Really... this is what I've come to?" After that anytime I did well in anything engineering related, I would always look around and go "Yeah... I'm nerdier that these people"... and the people around me were really nerdy. Very little sense of achievement in engineering.
B: In general, I think I use numbers way too much because of engineering and thing that there’s always an exact answer. I think the defining moment I had in how engineering has made life less fun is when a coworker asked me if I believe there’s one person out there for everyone. I told her no. She asked why. I responded, “Statistics.” Unfortunately, she didn’t drop the subject and wanted a better explanation. I told her something along the lines of, “Well, if there was only one person out there for everyone, the chances of meeting that person would be infinitesimally small. Let’s assume there’s ummm….30 million Americans that would be of the opposite sex and within the age range you’re looking for, say a 5-10 year bracket. If you met 100 new people of the opposite sex every day, it would take you (here’s where I break out my TI-83 calculator. I still own this and use it on a daily basis for work, even though I have never needed to graph a quadratic equation with it.)821 years to meet all of the eligible people. Secondly, approximately half of all marriages in America end in divorce. Now, you’re probably saying, ‘Barney, that just shows that they hadn’t met their true love.’ Do you think that in nearly all of these, the couple assumed they were made for each other before getting married? I’d say yes. So how do nearly half of these fail? Because people were wrong. So the two conclusions from this are either the chances of there being only one person out there for you are very remote or you’re too stupid to know if this is that one person. Neither of those are very attractive conclusions to make if you believe there’s one person out there made for you. Never mind the fact that the human species would have never made it out of Africa if every female waited for her Prince Charming to come along.” After she picked up her jaw from the floor, she said she had to check her e-mail. She didn’t even let me get into the sociological aspects of it. I was on a roll. That’s when I realized that I might be using numbers a little bit too much in my life.
What was your favorite Halloween costume you ever wore?
J: This is a tough one. I've had some pretty amazing costumes over the years. I think I really need to just list them, because they were all pretty awesome. Really, I'm just proud of my enthusiasm for the holiday (my favorite non-irish one)
2003- Mohammad - This was a fraternity thing, my pledge class was the super best friends from south park and I ended up with Mohammad. When you walk down the streets of NYC in a robe and turban, a lot of people get angry at you for some reason. Also, the guy working in the liquor store was very confused when I went in for a bottle of vodka with Jesus next to me.
2004- Catholic School Girl - Nothing more attracting than a guy with leg hair in a skirt with a padded bra. The only reason I'm not ashamed of this is because I hooked up with the girl who lent me the school girl uniform.
2005- Wayne - Party on Wayne. Party on Garth. This might be my most accurate costume to date. Amazing number of people on the streets of NYC just have to make a Mike Myers' reference when confronted by Wayne. I was really hoping that I could run into Mike Myers himself, since I had seen him a couple of times puking behind cars near my apartment.2006- Dr. Malpractico - A combination Doctor/Luchador. Is there really more that needs to be said? I leapt over five people to elbow drop the Hulk when he challenged people to a fight. I'm pretty sure I won Halloween with this one.
2007- Johnnie Walker - Really this was just an excuse to buy myself a nice bottle of scotch. Got the top hat, bow tie, cane and everything. Realized pretty early on that no matter how badass you were at the time, guys from old-time england just look like flamboyant queers today. Finished my bottle of JW Gold by myself, and when offered a ride home (from the middle of Brooklyn), replied, "Hell no! I'm the walking man. I can walk!". Did not get to where I was going until 6 am.
B: Question # 1 where I have a shitty answer but am trying to get a good story out of J-Man. I wanted him to put Johnnie Walker, but I forgot about all the other ones he had.
Me, I’m not that into Halloween. I think I stopped going out in 6th grade. Even in college, I didn’t get into the whole dressing up thing. So it would either be in 1st grade when I was a Ghostbuster, or when I went as Ron Artest as a Junior in college. For Ron Ron, I even went with two different shoes like he did in the 2004 All-Star game. Needless to say, I didn’t get laid that night.
The best Halloween costume I ever saw was when Abdul completely pulled off Tyrone Biggums. He looked just like him. The funniest thing I ever saw.
What is your best Bill Clinton story?
J: I'm not sure I really want that out on the internet. Lets just say it involves a former president commenting on the status of my nuts. Whatever you're thinking... it was more classy than that.
B: Question # 2 that I have a shitty answer to but am trying to get a good story out of J-Man. He doesn’t want this on the internet, so in the immortal words of King Bunt, “I can respect that.” But let the record show: that is by far and away the greatest story I have ever heard. The fact that not only a former President, but Slick Willie himself, talked about your junk is amazing. That’s like being complemented on your war strategy by Eisenhower, your ability to pull women by JFK or being called a good neighbor by the first Bush.
My favorite Clinton story is about 1/1000th as good. One girl was telling me why she liked Bill Clinton. After she finished she goes, “I don’t like him that much that I’d suck his dick.” And it seemed completely appropriate. She really did need to clear that up because I would have left thinking, “She would blow him if he was here right now.” Ladies and Gentleman, the Bill Clinton Administration.
Who was the most underrated player on the 1993 Orlando Magic?
J: My gut instinct on this one is Scott Skiles. Just cause he was the white guy that no one thought was good. My second though is that it should be Anfernee Hardaway, since no one really remembers him anymore (More people probably remember Skiles as a coach than Penny), and also since there was Little Penny, who might have been the creepiest advertisement stunt ever. I'm going to step outside the 1993 season here, since I've got to mention Horace Grant, who had the ugly-ass, giant goggles, which I've got to associate with, as a fellow wearer of ugly-ass goggles, but ultimately I've got to go with Nick Anderson. Quick Google search shows that he's the leading scorer in the history of the Orlando Magic (not a great history I know), and that he was the Magic's first draft choice ever. Plus he had that steal from Jordan (not in 1993, but in 1995). I've got to put in a honorable mention for whomever was responsible for the Magic winning the '93 draft, since that guy traded his unbelievably giant luck for a giant bucket of shit. Shaq + Webber would have been unfuckingstopable. Maybe I would have paid more attention to basketaball after this if they hadn't thrown that away and ruined my juvenile idealism. Them, Mario Lemieux's cancer and the goddamn Buffalo Bills ruined professional sports for me forever.
B: I love that J-Man, who hasn’t followed sports in like 10 years, made the same argument Sport’s Guy did last week. I’d go with Tree Rollins. He was a player/coach for that team. I don’t remember any player/coach since them. Plus, he was involved in my second favorite Jordan dunk of all time. He was on the Hawks then. Jordan banged it on him, with the announcer going, “Right over Rollins.” And Charles Oakley pointed in his face after it went down. That’s what you notice after 70+ viewings of “Michael Jordan’s Playground.”
Who was your go to Mortal Kombat character?
J: It should be a toss up between Scorpion and Sub-Zero. They were the same basic character, but Scorpion had the "GET OVER HERE!" move which would put him one top. Unfortunately, I always ended up playing as Johnny Cage, since he could do the nut punch, which was hilarious. That was until Mortal Kombat II, where there were girls fighting, and Johnny Cage would just do a split and not actually punch. What girls getting hit in the twat doesn't hurt? Is Johnny Cage making some statement about sexual relations in America? As soon as that happened, I switched to Reptile and enjoyed my invisibility. On a side note, do you remember when mom found out we were playing Mortal Kombat and she got all angry because we were playing such an inappropriate game (I forget who actually bought it for us, but I'm betting Grandpa)
B: I seem to remember we made a rule that Sub Zero and Scorpion could only throw a certain amount of ice/spears in a given match. I went through a brief Raiden stage too. It would be like a guy who lived in the Village to go with a ball puncher. Reptile in MK2 was ok, but I think at age 10 realized he was a cheap rip off.
For the record, our Grandmother bought Mortal Kombat for us. And Mom wasn’t mad at us, just that our youngest brother (who was already seeing shrinks) was drawing violent images in school. That game got taken away once a psychologist started asking questions. It was NBA Jam for us after that.
St. Patty's Day is coming up. What's the best quote you've ever heard to describe being Irish?
J: Since Patty's day is technically past, I'm just going to pretend like it's March 16th for the sake of the question. The best quote about being Irish that I've encountered was Freud's (I think via you) of "This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever" Since I think it pretty much perfectly captures what it means to be Irish. There aren't any ulterior motive to what we do... we just do shit, since we know that's what we're supposed to do. As a side note, I'd like to throw in my favorite St. Patty's day quote, which occurred last year. Me and my friends had decided to drink a prodigious amount of Guinness, which involved knocking on beer distributor's doors at 9 am when they were supposed to open. We managed to get 150+ of the keg cans (for 8-9 people). plus some Jameson. Every time we finished a can, we put it on the windowsill, and we eventually made a mountain of cans. About halfway up the window (but less than halfway thru the Guinness), someone asked what would happen when we filled the window and blocked out the sun... Everyone in the room.. in unison responsed "Then we shall drink in the shade!" in perfect sparta/the 300- style. I've never been more proud to be a drinker.
B: (Note: I sent these questions to J-Man March 7th. I’m going to keep this question and just note that he took a long ass time responding) That quote isn’t from me, it’s from The Departed. That will be # 2 on my best quotes about Irish people list. The countdown?
#4: The Departed: “If this isn’t going to work, it has to be you that leaves. I’m Irish. I can deal with things being wrong my entire life.”
# 3: Sport’s Guy: You won’t find this quote anywhere. My absolute favorite column by the guy who’s influenced me the most is his column the day after the 2003 ALCS when Aaron Boone hit the home run to win the game. My Dad called me the next day and in a phone conversation I will always remember this occurred:Me: “Hello.”Dad: “You know son, life sometimes isn’t fair.”
The rest of the call kept going the same way. Anyway, SG starts going on about how if the Red Sox were a girl, they would have broken up a long time ago. But they’re stuck together. “You would call her on the phone, calmly explain that you can’t take it anymore, let her down as gently as possible and move on with your life. But sports aren’t like that. You’re stuck with your teams from childhood. It’s like being trapped in a bad Irish Catholic marriage. You can’t get out.”
Now if you check the espn.com archives, they take out the “Irish Catholic” part. Even in his book, it’s taken out. But I swear that the first day it was up, the Irish Catholic part was in there. And that’s just reinforces quote # 4.
Quote # 2: J-Man’s above quote.
Quote # 1: Even though I went to an engineering school, our library had not been updated in like 50 years. Every year we’d be in danger of losing our accreditation because our library sucked so much, but we never did. Even with the threat of a tech school losing it’s engineering accreditation, no one did anything. And thus I was able to stumble upon a book about the ethnic groups that made up NYC. Because it was from the 50s, there was no political correctness and I stumbled upon this book looking for some other one on the annoying Hum class I had to take. I opened it to a random page on the Irish section and this is (roughly) what I got:“The Irish mob was not as successful as its Italian or to a lesser extent, Jewish counterparts. A big impediment to their success was their alcoholism. It’s hard to collect on gambling debts when you neither remember who made the bet, nor how much it was for, because you were too inebriated at the time.” Not a truer word was ever said.
Which would you rather be famous for in 10 years? Curing cancer, being the guy who played Kevin Federline to Hannah Montana's Britney Spears or punching Ben Affleck unconscious.
J: If I could get the chance to punch Ben Affleck into unconsciousness, I'm pretty sure I'd take the chance. Since I'm stuck out in the waste's of Long Island right now, and unlikely to encounter any real celebrities here, I'm going to go with curing cancer. Granted, I'm not working on cancer (autism and brain development etc.), but that seems like a much better alternative to playing K Fed. I have to say that I don't think I can fill in for Federline because of my lack of 'stache growing ability.
B: I’ve pretty much established that I don’t have a knack for knocking up Hollywood chicks, I’m more backwoods down South chicks. So K-Fed is out. I have no chance of curing cancer or contributing to medical science in any way possible unless my liver is somehow used to find a cure to cirrhosis. So that leaves knocking out Ben Affleck. Should I be more concerned that we both chose this as our first choice or the Affleck is not underlined in red in MS Word. Has that douche made it that big that MS Office 2003 approves of him? (This is another examples of how being an engineer sucks. You use Microsoft as your arbitrator, even though every true engineer hates Microsoft.)
Since I probably don't remember it, give me your favorite Barney story.
J: I suppose this isn't technically a Barney story, but it's a good story none the less. I remember going to sleep some night, only to be waken up by mom's shouting "Dammit John (my dad), leave him alone. He's Drunk!" I then proceeded to fall right back asleep, assuming that Barney had just come back from getting his drink on and was unable to manage walking down hallways... As was a common occurrence at the time. The next day was some holiday or something, and it wasn't for a while until I found out that some drunk had just wandered into our house, and my dad had threatened him with a bat until he realized that our's wasn't the house he wanted to enter. Me and all my brothers had just assumed it was Barney (who is easily confused with a random drunk).
B: First off, the entire family thought I was drunk. Mom and Dad both admitted it to me later that they thought I snuck out that night. Secondly, I wasn’t the lush that I am today. I think this was during my senior year of high school, when I was actually an athlete, so I was training, so I was going out less. If I got drunk once every two weeks, I would say that was pushing it. Third, I went to bed at 9:30-10:00 that night because I had at 8-9 am practice the next morning.
The best part of this story is that J-Man casually mentions that someone broke into our house, like it was a common occurrence. And from our experience in the West End, it is. It seems like everyone has a “drunk person got their house wrong and tried to get in mind” story.
And yet, I told this story at practice the next morning and it killed. Even K-Dog who lives in fucking Pine Box, gave me shit for it. Apparently, the world is starving for drunk intuition stories. I don’t know. If you’re expecting deep, philosophical questions answered on a Barney Interview, you might need to find another source.
How do you know Barney?
J-Man: Barney's my brother, we grew up together in a very small house. I seem to remember something about being put in a garbage can by him when I was very young. Traumatic... truly traumatic.
Barney: I’d like to set the record straight. We were playing Sesame Street and J-Man was supposed to be Oscar the Grouch, so he went into the garbage can. Just because I quit playing immediately after he got into the garbage can doesn’t mean I wanted to throw him away. There’s some reasonable doubt there, right?
J-Man is also known for solving math theorem’s that he wasn’t taught on SAT II tests and for having a Vancouver Grizzly jersey that might have been the ugliest thing ever made.
When did you realize that your engineering background made life less fun?
J: When I realized that I was taking pride in my TI-89. People were comparing their graphing calculators, and I was being pretty cocky because I had a nice one. I realized what I was doing and thought to myself, "Really... this is what I've come to?" After that anytime I did well in anything engineering related, I would always look around and go "Yeah... I'm nerdier that these people"... and the people around me were really nerdy. Very little sense of achievement in engineering.
B: In general, I think I use numbers way too much because of engineering and thing that there’s always an exact answer. I think the defining moment I had in how engineering has made life less fun is when a coworker asked me if I believe there’s one person out there for everyone. I told her no. She asked why. I responded, “Statistics.” Unfortunately, she didn’t drop the subject and wanted a better explanation. I told her something along the lines of, “Well, if there was only one person out there for everyone, the chances of meeting that person would be infinitesimally small. Let’s assume there’s ummm….30 million Americans that would be of the opposite sex and within the age range you’re looking for, say a 5-10 year bracket. If you met 100 new people of the opposite sex every day, it would take you (here’s where I break out my TI-83 calculator. I still own this and use it on a daily basis for work, even though I have never needed to graph a quadratic equation with it.)821 years to meet all of the eligible people. Secondly, approximately half of all marriages in America end in divorce. Now, you’re probably saying, ‘Barney, that just shows that they hadn’t met their true love.’ Do you think that in nearly all of these, the couple assumed they were made for each other before getting married? I’d say yes. So how do nearly half of these fail? Because people were wrong. So the two conclusions from this are either the chances of there being only one person out there for you are very remote or you’re too stupid to know if this is that one person. Neither of those are very attractive conclusions to make if you believe there’s one person out there made for you. Never mind the fact that the human species would have never made it out of Africa if every female waited for her Prince Charming to come along.” After she picked up her jaw from the floor, she said she had to check her e-mail. She didn’t even let me get into the sociological aspects of it. I was on a roll. That’s when I realized that I might be using numbers a little bit too much in my life.
What was your favorite Halloween costume you ever wore?
J: This is a tough one. I've had some pretty amazing costumes over the years. I think I really need to just list them, because they were all pretty awesome. Really, I'm just proud of my enthusiasm for the holiday (my favorite non-irish one)
2003- Mohammad - This was a fraternity thing, my pledge class was the super best friends from south park and I ended up with Mohammad. When you walk down the streets of NYC in a robe and turban, a lot of people get angry at you for some reason. Also, the guy working in the liquor store was very confused when I went in for a bottle of vodka with Jesus next to me.
2004- Catholic School Girl - Nothing more attracting than a guy with leg hair in a skirt with a padded bra. The only reason I'm not ashamed of this is because I hooked up with the girl who lent me the school girl uniform.
2005- Wayne - Party on Wayne. Party on Garth. This might be my most accurate costume to date. Amazing number of people on the streets of NYC just have to make a Mike Myers' reference when confronted by Wayne. I was really hoping that I could run into Mike Myers himself, since I had seen him a couple of times puking behind cars near my apartment.2006- Dr. Malpractico - A combination Doctor/Luchador. Is there really more that needs to be said? I leapt over five people to elbow drop the Hulk when he challenged people to a fight. I'm pretty sure I won Halloween with this one.
2007- Johnnie Walker - Really this was just an excuse to buy myself a nice bottle of scotch. Got the top hat, bow tie, cane and everything. Realized pretty early on that no matter how badass you were at the time, guys from old-time england just look like flamboyant queers today. Finished my bottle of JW Gold by myself, and when offered a ride home (from the middle of Brooklyn), replied, "Hell no! I'm the walking man. I can walk!". Did not get to where I was going until 6 am.
B: Question # 1 where I have a shitty answer but am trying to get a good story out of J-Man. I wanted him to put Johnnie Walker, but I forgot about all the other ones he had.
Me, I’m not that into Halloween. I think I stopped going out in 6th grade. Even in college, I didn’t get into the whole dressing up thing. So it would either be in 1st grade when I was a Ghostbuster, or when I went as Ron Artest as a Junior in college. For Ron Ron, I even went with two different shoes like he did in the 2004 All-Star game. Needless to say, I didn’t get laid that night.
The best Halloween costume I ever saw was when Abdul completely pulled off Tyrone Biggums. He looked just like him. The funniest thing I ever saw.
What is your best Bill Clinton story?
J: I'm not sure I really want that out on the internet. Lets just say it involves a former president commenting on the status of my nuts. Whatever you're thinking... it was more classy than that.
B: Question # 2 that I have a shitty answer to but am trying to get a good story out of J-Man. He doesn’t want this on the internet, so in the immortal words of King Bunt, “I can respect that.” But let the record show: that is by far and away the greatest story I have ever heard. The fact that not only a former President, but Slick Willie himself, talked about your junk is amazing. That’s like being complemented on your war strategy by Eisenhower, your ability to pull women by JFK or being called a good neighbor by the first Bush.
My favorite Clinton story is about 1/1000th as good. One girl was telling me why she liked Bill Clinton. After she finished she goes, “I don’t like him that much that I’d suck his dick.” And it seemed completely appropriate. She really did need to clear that up because I would have left thinking, “She would blow him if he was here right now.” Ladies and Gentleman, the Bill Clinton Administration.
Who was the most underrated player on the 1993 Orlando Magic?
J: My gut instinct on this one is Scott Skiles. Just cause he was the white guy that no one thought was good. My second though is that it should be Anfernee Hardaway, since no one really remembers him anymore (More people probably remember Skiles as a coach than Penny), and also since there was Little Penny, who might have been the creepiest advertisement stunt ever. I'm going to step outside the 1993 season here, since I've got to mention Horace Grant, who had the ugly-ass, giant goggles, which I've got to associate with, as a fellow wearer of ugly-ass goggles, but ultimately I've got to go with Nick Anderson. Quick Google search shows that he's the leading scorer in the history of the Orlando Magic (not a great history I know), and that he was the Magic's first draft choice ever. Plus he had that steal from Jordan (not in 1993, but in 1995). I've got to put in a honorable mention for whomever was responsible for the Magic winning the '93 draft, since that guy traded his unbelievably giant luck for a giant bucket of shit. Shaq + Webber would have been unfuckingstopable. Maybe I would have paid more attention to basketaball after this if they hadn't thrown that away and ruined my juvenile idealism. Them, Mario Lemieux's cancer and the goddamn Buffalo Bills ruined professional sports for me forever.
B: I love that J-Man, who hasn’t followed sports in like 10 years, made the same argument Sport’s Guy did last week. I’d go with Tree Rollins. He was a player/coach for that team. I don’t remember any player/coach since them. Plus, he was involved in my second favorite Jordan dunk of all time. He was on the Hawks then. Jordan banged it on him, with the announcer going, “Right over Rollins.” And Charles Oakley pointed in his face after it went down. That’s what you notice after 70+ viewings of “Michael Jordan’s Playground.”
Who was your go to Mortal Kombat character?
J: It should be a toss up between Scorpion and Sub-Zero. They were the same basic character, but Scorpion had the "GET OVER HERE!" move which would put him one top. Unfortunately, I always ended up playing as Johnny Cage, since he could do the nut punch, which was hilarious. That was until Mortal Kombat II, where there were girls fighting, and Johnny Cage would just do a split and not actually punch. What girls getting hit in the twat doesn't hurt? Is Johnny Cage making some statement about sexual relations in America? As soon as that happened, I switched to Reptile and enjoyed my invisibility. On a side note, do you remember when mom found out we were playing Mortal Kombat and she got all angry because we were playing such an inappropriate game (I forget who actually bought it for us, but I'm betting Grandpa)
B: I seem to remember we made a rule that Sub Zero and Scorpion could only throw a certain amount of ice/spears in a given match. I went through a brief Raiden stage too. It would be like a guy who lived in the Village to go with a ball puncher. Reptile in MK2 was ok, but I think at age 10 realized he was a cheap rip off.
For the record, our Grandmother bought Mortal Kombat for us. And Mom wasn’t mad at us, just that our youngest brother (who was already seeing shrinks) was drawing violent images in school. That game got taken away once a psychologist started asking questions. It was NBA Jam for us after that.
St. Patty's Day is coming up. What's the best quote you've ever heard to describe being Irish?
J: Since Patty's day is technically past, I'm just going to pretend like it's March 16th for the sake of the question. The best quote about being Irish that I've encountered was Freud's (I think via you) of "This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever" Since I think it pretty much perfectly captures what it means to be Irish. There aren't any ulterior motive to what we do... we just do shit, since we know that's what we're supposed to do. As a side note, I'd like to throw in my favorite St. Patty's day quote, which occurred last year. Me and my friends had decided to drink a prodigious amount of Guinness, which involved knocking on beer distributor's doors at 9 am when they were supposed to open. We managed to get 150+ of the keg cans (for 8-9 people). plus some Jameson. Every time we finished a can, we put it on the windowsill, and we eventually made a mountain of cans. About halfway up the window (but less than halfway thru the Guinness), someone asked what would happen when we filled the window and blocked out the sun... Everyone in the room.. in unison responsed "Then we shall drink in the shade!" in perfect sparta/the 300- style. I've never been more proud to be a drinker.
B: (Note: I sent these questions to J-Man March 7th. I’m going to keep this question and just note that he took a long ass time responding) That quote isn’t from me, it’s from The Departed. That will be # 2 on my best quotes about Irish people list. The countdown?
#4: The Departed: “If this isn’t going to work, it has to be you that leaves. I’m Irish. I can deal with things being wrong my entire life.”
# 3: Sport’s Guy: You won’t find this quote anywhere. My absolute favorite column by the guy who’s influenced me the most is his column the day after the 2003 ALCS when Aaron Boone hit the home run to win the game. My Dad called me the next day and in a phone conversation I will always remember this occurred:Me: “Hello.”Dad: “You know son, life sometimes isn’t fair.”
The rest of the call kept going the same way. Anyway, SG starts going on about how if the Red Sox were a girl, they would have broken up a long time ago. But they’re stuck together. “You would call her on the phone, calmly explain that you can’t take it anymore, let her down as gently as possible and move on with your life. But sports aren’t like that. You’re stuck with your teams from childhood. It’s like being trapped in a bad Irish Catholic marriage. You can’t get out.”
Now if you check the espn.com archives, they take out the “Irish Catholic” part. Even in his book, it’s taken out. But I swear that the first day it was up, the Irish Catholic part was in there. And that’s just reinforces quote # 4.
Quote # 2: J-Man’s above quote.
Quote # 1: Even though I went to an engineering school, our library had not been updated in like 50 years. Every year we’d be in danger of losing our accreditation because our library sucked so much, but we never did. Even with the threat of a tech school losing it’s engineering accreditation, no one did anything. And thus I was able to stumble upon a book about the ethnic groups that made up NYC. Because it was from the 50s, there was no political correctness and I stumbled upon this book looking for some other one on the annoying Hum class I had to take. I opened it to a random page on the Irish section and this is (roughly) what I got:“The Irish mob was not as successful as its Italian or to a lesser extent, Jewish counterparts. A big impediment to their success was their alcoholism. It’s hard to collect on gambling debts when you neither remember who made the bet, nor how much it was for, because you were too inebriated at the time.” Not a truer word was ever said.
Which would you rather be famous for in 10 years? Curing cancer, being the guy who played Kevin Federline to Hannah Montana's Britney Spears or punching Ben Affleck unconscious.
J: If I could get the chance to punch Ben Affleck into unconsciousness, I'm pretty sure I'd take the chance. Since I'm stuck out in the waste's of Long Island right now, and unlikely to encounter any real celebrities here, I'm going to go with curing cancer. Granted, I'm not working on cancer (autism and brain development etc.), but that seems like a much better alternative to playing K Fed. I have to say that I don't think I can fill in for Federline because of my lack of 'stache growing ability.
B: I’ve pretty much established that I don’t have a knack for knocking up Hollywood chicks, I’m more backwoods down South chicks. So K-Fed is out. I have no chance of curing cancer or contributing to medical science in any way possible unless my liver is somehow used to find a cure to cirrhosis. So that leaves knocking out Ben Affleck. Should I be more concerned that we both chose this as our first choice or the Affleck is not underlined in red in MS Word. Has that douche made it that big that MS Office 2003 approves of him? (This is another examples of how being an engineer sucks. You use Microsoft as your arbitrator, even though every true engineer hates Microsoft.)
Since I probably don't remember it, give me your favorite Barney story.
J: I suppose this isn't technically a Barney story, but it's a good story none the less. I remember going to sleep some night, only to be waken up by mom's shouting "Dammit John (my dad), leave him alone. He's Drunk!" I then proceeded to fall right back asleep, assuming that Barney had just come back from getting his drink on and was unable to manage walking down hallways... As was a common occurrence at the time. The next day was some holiday or something, and it wasn't for a while until I found out that some drunk had just wandered into our house, and my dad had threatened him with a bat until he realized that our's wasn't the house he wanted to enter. Me and all my brothers had just assumed it was Barney (who is easily confused with a random drunk).
B: First off, the entire family thought I was drunk. Mom and Dad both admitted it to me later that they thought I snuck out that night. Secondly, I wasn’t the lush that I am today. I think this was during my senior year of high school, when I was actually an athlete, so I was training, so I was going out less. If I got drunk once every two weeks, I would say that was pushing it. Third, I went to bed at 9:30-10:00 that night because I had at 8-9 am practice the next morning.
The best part of this story is that J-Man casually mentions that someone broke into our house, like it was a common occurrence. And from our experience in the West End, it is. It seems like everyone has a “drunk person got their house wrong and tried to get in mind” story.
And yet, I told this story at practice the next morning and it killed. Even K-Dog who lives in fucking Pine Box, gave me shit for it. Apparently, the world is starving for drunk intuition stories. I don’t know. If you’re expecting deep, philosophical questions answered on a Barney Interview, you might need to find another source.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Chris Henry Arrested Again
This, my friends, is how you do a mug shot. It takes multiple arrests to get one this good. Note the subtlety of the eyes. Is he high? Upset? Both? There's a level of intrigue to go along with the hair being a mess.
Baseball Teams as Countries
As the baseball season gets into full swing, I’d like to combine two of my favorite things: baseball and geopolitics. Well, it wouldn’t be like me to put together something that made an ounce of sense (though I do feel like George Will while writing this). Anyway, most of these comparisons came to me at 3 AM, and this will count as my baseball preview. Not all teams will be covered mostly because I done drank away most of that knowledge from high school. Also, I went to school at an American public school, which requires three years of American history and three years to cover the rest of the world. And boy do they go into details on those other countries. Unless they make good food and we can incorporate a day of cooking. Then we’ll cover that country real well. Wait, this was supposed to be about baseball. Alright, I’ll stop bitching about my education. Just note that this was written with a bare minimum of fact checking, so don’t give me too much crap.
AL EAST
NY Yankees = United States
This is how this exercise in what remaining brain power I have left got started. A true super power that is hated by the rest of the world. Use their money to buy influence and power (though the power the Yankees bought was aided significantly by steroids). Fans/people don’t let you forget who’s won the most World Series or Wars. I could go on even more, but the similarities scare me so much that I’m going to stop before I start sympathizing with them. Though I’m pretty sure A-Rod is disliked all over.
Boston = Ireland
A long history of suffering has been replaced by recent prosperity. Luck has been a big part of their mystique (though I don’t get why anyone says the “Luck of the Irish.” Besides the fact that I’ve never seen an once of that luck, how does a nation that has a potato famine that causes half the population to leave be considered lucky?). “That’s just Manny being Manny” is the close relation to what most Irish families say with that one uncle: “That’s just Uncle Jimmy being Uncle Jimmy.” And by being, we mean “drunk”.
Dropkick Murphy’s are involved with both. Fans can become insufferable when having multiple championships/alcoholic drinks in them. Green is an important part of their past. If they don’t hate Jimmy Fallon, then they should.
Toronto = Canada
You might think this is a cheap cop out, but think about it. Canada will never be higher than second in the North America power rankings. And the Blue Jays will never win an AL East pennant with Boston and New York there.
Tampa Bay = Burma
As Peterman said in Seinfeld, “It may be Burma now, but it will always be Myanmar to me,” they may be the Rays now, but they’ll always be the Devil Rays to me. I think the ratio of Burma’s GDP to the US’s is roughly the same as Tampa’s payroll is to the Yankees. A Seinfeld and macroeconomics reference in the same paragraph. That’s why they pay me the big bucks.
Baltimore = Zimbabwe
Once prosperous country/franchise has been looted and destroyed by a leader/owner. Mgabe just got voted out this week. Let’s see if they can get rid of Peter Angelos as well. (How’s that for up to date geopolitics? Who says all I do is get shitfaced?)
AL CENTRAL
Cleveland = Panama
Because they both are infested with mosquitoes. Plus I think last year’s playoff hero Kenny Lofton was born the same year the Panama Canal was finished. I’d like to think that Pedro Cerrano came from Panama, but then realized he came from Cuba for religious freedom (sorry, I have a problem where I confuse the cast from Major League with actual Cleveland Indians history). Both easily can create geographic difficulties. As Oil Can Boyd once said about Cleveland’s old stadium, “That’s why you don’t build a stadium on an ocean.” Not many people know that Panama is actually an isthmus. We’ll be back with more 3rd grade geography terms later on.
Detroit = Brazil
Both seem like ideal places. Detroit might score 1,000 runs this year (That’s what everybody says. And I mean everybody. I have not seen one preview of them that did not mention this. Apparently, averaging 6.17 runs per game is a magic number or something.) Brazil has beautiful beaches, and if you have any doubt about the women, just go look up Snoop Dogg’s “Beautiful” video. The downside to both of these however, is that too enjoy these benefits, you’d actually have to live there. Detroit is the burnt out building capital of America and I think Brazil’s fourth largest business is kidnapping. So enjoy both of them.
Kansas City = Thailand
Both make cheap products that are eventually shipped to America or another large market if they’re any good. A good place to go if you want to find hookers. Alright, I made that last part up about Kansas City hookers. How bout this? Both are places you’d go if you want to pay to see water sports. The Kansas City stadium has fountains, and I’ll let you figure out the Thailand part.
Chicago = Cuba
Not so much Cuba, as Tony Montana. Jose Guillen can talk like him, and I’m pretty sure the entire America League would like to go to war with AJ Pierzynski.
AL WEST
Oakland = Japan
Both the A’s and Japan have had to deal with limited resources and yet both have still managed to thrive. Japan has limited natural resources and has had to learn to be on the cutting edge of technology to survive economically. The A’s have used Moneyball techniques to stay competitive without a high payroll.
Besides that, Japan and the A’s are also not very good at finishing what they started, despite having large leads (see: 2-0 Divisional Playoff games, Pearl Harbor)
Texas = United Arab Emirates
The owner of the Texas Rangers reminds me of one of those oil sheiks over there in one of those small Middle Eastern nations. Money is no object. $250 million for A Rod? Fuck it, I got it. Want to build some islands in the shape of the world? Fuck it, no problem. They also enjoy things that most Americans realized aren’t that good anymore. Michael Jackson goes over there all the time because they love him. The Rangers recently signed Sammy Sosa. Finally, both the team and the country get their power from liquid. UAE gets it from oil, the Rangers have had a propensity for performance enhancing drugs (Palmero, Canseco, Matthew Jr. Kenny Rogers has to be on something and he played there before going to Detroit.)
Anaheim = Russia
Both are powers to be reckoned with who are lead by a guy named Vladamir. (And for all of you who are going to say, Barney, Putin’s losing power soon, I say, “Sure he is, sure he is. Keep believing that.”) Ok, you want something more? Both wear red. I get an A+ for effort on this one, don’t I? Alright, the Angels exploit monkeys, Russia exploits bears. Both are equally hilarious riding a unicycle.
NL EAST
Mets = India
Both are powers that are over shadowed by their neighbors (China, Yankees). Both seems to be on the verge of economic success, but are held back by poor infrastructure (roads, reliable power, Shea Stadium). The Mets first base coach is Ricky Henderson. If I called a Help Desk, I’m not sure who I would speak English more clearly. At least the Indian made an attempt to learn English. Ricky has his own dialect of English. Also, Apu’s favorite baseball team when he tries to become an American citizen is the Nye Mets. So that counts for something.
Atlanta = Germany
Both Atlanta and Germany are maddeningly consistent, but can never seem to win the big one (see WWI, WWI, any World Series except for 1995.) The Germans are renowned for their engineering, and the Braves pitch staff in its heyday was surgical in its precession. Oh, and both are racist (Thanks John Rocker).
Washington = Jamaica
I was going to not have a country for Washington, but the Nats offseason made me change my mind. Everything I think of when I think of Jamaica they’ve incorporated this season. Music? (Check. Traded for Lastings Milledge from the Mets and hopefully his rap album.) Violence? (Check. Singed the incomparable Elijah Dukes. You dead, dawg.) Drugs? (Check. Signed Mitchell Report star Paul Lo Duca.) Beautiful travel destinations that white people would be scared to go 50 feet outside the gate (Check plus. Build a brand new stadium in Anacostia.)
Philadelphia = England
One place you do not want to get in a fight with the fans. The actual teams/country hasn’t won anything in awhile. Though they’re not actually that good in World Cups/American sports, they always think they deserve a championship.
NL CENTRAL
Cubs = France
Both had the colors, blue, red and white. Both take a little too much pride in their alcohol. France with its obsession with its wine (My favorite History Channel special was the one where they talk about the lengths the French took to protect their wine from the Nazis in WWII. Forget freedom, they’ll never take our wine. A tremendously entertaining hour of television. And yet I digress). Harry Carey loved to push his cool, refreshing Budweiser. And neither of the two have won anything in over a century. France was once led by a Lou (Louis I-XVI) and the Cubs are now led by a Lou (Sweet Lou Pinella). (On another tangent, I think all people named Lou should put “Sweet” in front of their name. Makes it sound cooler. Then again, I’m the same one who wanted to name his brothers “Dumper” after a dump truck, and “Tyrannosaurus Rex.” Though to be fair, T Rex would have been the coolest kid in school when Jurassic Park came out. Wait? This is supposed to be a baseball column? Sorry, I’ll get back to talking about illogical team comparisons.)
Milwaukee = Netherlands
If you’re attending either one of these places, you’re probably going to get fucked up. Off of beer at a Brewers game, and who knows what in Amsterdam. The one place this analogy doesn’t work is that if you’re going to Milwaukee to solicit sex, then you have bigger (Like that double entendre? Get it? Bigger because women from Wisconsin are fat? I swear, I should call myself the Word Wizard sometimes. That time would be never, but it’d be there none the less.) problems than what happens when you go to a baseball game. There’s confusion surrounding as to how to classify them. Do I call it the Netherlands or Dutch? Didn’t the Brewers use to play in the American League?
NL WEST
Dodgers = Spain
Both are very leisurely places to play/live. Spain takes siestas, Dodger fans show up in the 4th inning of games. The Spanish Civil War was like the warm up to WWII. The Dodgers leaving Brooklyn was the precursor to West Coast baseball (I’m going to say that was the biggest stretch I’ve made in this column. Though it’s tough to tell. The Shea Stadium/Indian infrastructure one was good as well.)
Rockies = Argentina
Both have mountains. And both distort the true value of stuff. Argentina had roughly a 2000% inflation rate at one point, and home runs at Coors field lost all meaning until they started putting them in a humidor. I’m not sure how Mike Hampton would feel about Argentina’s schools though.
Alright, that’s all I got. If you couldn’t tell, there was a major east coast bias. Anyway, phone lines are now open text your choice for most ridiculous analogy in this entire thing. Text to 3825968 and enter the letter of your choice:A for Oil Can Boyd: isthmus
B for A-Rod’s contract: the World at Dubai
C for Ricky Henderson: Indian Help Desk operator
D for Spanish Civil War: Dodgers’ move from Brooklyn
E for myself: George Will
F for the general references to hookers from the Midwest
Phone lines will be open for 24 hours. Vote early and vote often.
AL EAST
NY Yankees = United States
This is how this exercise in what remaining brain power I have left got started. A true super power that is hated by the rest of the world. Use their money to buy influence and power (though the power the Yankees bought was aided significantly by steroids). Fans/people don’t let you forget who’s won the most World Series or Wars. I could go on even more, but the similarities scare me so much that I’m going to stop before I start sympathizing with them. Though I’m pretty sure A-Rod is disliked all over.
Boston = Ireland
A long history of suffering has been replaced by recent prosperity. Luck has been a big part of their mystique (though I don’t get why anyone says the “Luck of the Irish.” Besides the fact that I’ve never seen an once of that luck, how does a nation that has a potato famine that causes half the population to leave be considered lucky?). “That’s just Manny being Manny” is the close relation to what most Irish families say with that one uncle: “That’s just Uncle Jimmy being Uncle Jimmy.” And by being, we mean “drunk”.
Dropkick Murphy’s are involved with both. Fans can become insufferable when having multiple championships/alcoholic drinks in them. Green is an important part of their past. If they don’t hate Jimmy Fallon, then they should.
Toronto = Canada
You might think this is a cheap cop out, but think about it. Canada will never be higher than second in the North America power rankings. And the Blue Jays will never win an AL East pennant with Boston and New York there.
Tampa Bay = Burma
As Peterman said in Seinfeld, “It may be Burma now, but it will always be Myanmar to me,” they may be the Rays now, but they’ll always be the Devil Rays to me. I think the ratio of Burma’s GDP to the US’s is roughly the same as Tampa’s payroll is to the Yankees. A Seinfeld and macroeconomics reference in the same paragraph. That’s why they pay me the big bucks.
Baltimore = Zimbabwe
Once prosperous country/franchise has been looted and destroyed by a leader/owner. Mgabe just got voted out this week. Let’s see if they can get rid of Peter Angelos as well. (How’s that for up to date geopolitics? Who says all I do is get shitfaced?)
AL CENTRAL
Cleveland = Panama
Because they both are infested with mosquitoes. Plus I think last year’s playoff hero Kenny Lofton was born the same year the Panama Canal was finished. I’d like to think that Pedro Cerrano came from Panama, but then realized he came from Cuba for religious freedom (sorry, I have a problem where I confuse the cast from Major League with actual Cleveland Indians history). Both easily can create geographic difficulties. As Oil Can Boyd once said about Cleveland’s old stadium, “That’s why you don’t build a stadium on an ocean.” Not many people know that Panama is actually an isthmus. We’ll be back with more 3rd grade geography terms later on.
Detroit = Brazil
Both seem like ideal places. Detroit might score 1,000 runs this year (That’s what everybody says. And I mean everybody. I have not seen one preview of them that did not mention this. Apparently, averaging 6.17 runs per game is a magic number or something.) Brazil has beautiful beaches, and if you have any doubt about the women, just go look up Snoop Dogg’s “Beautiful” video. The downside to both of these however, is that too enjoy these benefits, you’d actually have to live there. Detroit is the burnt out building capital of America and I think Brazil’s fourth largest business is kidnapping. So enjoy both of them.
Kansas City = Thailand
Both make cheap products that are eventually shipped to America or another large market if they’re any good. A good place to go if you want to find hookers. Alright, I made that last part up about Kansas City hookers. How bout this? Both are places you’d go if you want to pay to see water sports. The Kansas City stadium has fountains, and I’ll let you figure out the Thailand part.
Chicago = Cuba
Not so much Cuba, as Tony Montana. Jose Guillen can talk like him, and I’m pretty sure the entire America League would like to go to war with AJ Pierzynski.
AL WEST
Oakland = Japan
Both the A’s and Japan have had to deal with limited resources and yet both have still managed to thrive. Japan has limited natural resources and has had to learn to be on the cutting edge of technology to survive economically. The A’s have used Moneyball techniques to stay competitive without a high payroll.
Besides that, Japan and the A’s are also not very good at finishing what they started, despite having large leads (see: 2-0 Divisional Playoff games, Pearl Harbor)
Texas = United Arab Emirates
The owner of the Texas Rangers reminds me of one of those oil sheiks over there in one of those small Middle Eastern nations. Money is no object. $250 million for A Rod? Fuck it, I got it. Want to build some islands in the shape of the world? Fuck it, no problem. They also enjoy things that most Americans realized aren’t that good anymore. Michael Jackson goes over there all the time because they love him. The Rangers recently signed Sammy Sosa. Finally, both the team and the country get their power from liquid. UAE gets it from oil, the Rangers have had a propensity for performance enhancing drugs (Palmero, Canseco, Matthew Jr. Kenny Rogers has to be on something and he played there before going to Detroit.)
Anaheim = Russia
Both are powers to be reckoned with who are lead by a guy named Vladamir. (And for all of you who are going to say, Barney, Putin’s losing power soon, I say, “Sure he is, sure he is. Keep believing that.”) Ok, you want something more? Both wear red. I get an A+ for effort on this one, don’t I? Alright, the Angels exploit monkeys, Russia exploits bears. Both are equally hilarious riding a unicycle.
NL EAST
Mets = India
Both are powers that are over shadowed by their neighbors (China, Yankees). Both seems to be on the verge of economic success, but are held back by poor infrastructure (roads, reliable power, Shea Stadium). The Mets first base coach is Ricky Henderson. If I called a Help Desk, I’m not sure who I would speak English more clearly. At least the Indian made an attempt to learn English. Ricky has his own dialect of English. Also, Apu’s favorite baseball team when he tries to become an American citizen is the Nye Mets. So that counts for something.
Atlanta = Germany
Both Atlanta and Germany are maddeningly consistent, but can never seem to win the big one (see WWI, WWI, any World Series except for 1995.) The Germans are renowned for their engineering, and the Braves pitch staff in its heyday was surgical in its precession. Oh, and both are racist (Thanks John Rocker).
Washington = Jamaica
I was going to not have a country for Washington, but the Nats offseason made me change my mind. Everything I think of when I think of Jamaica they’ve incorporated this season. Music? (Check. Traded for Lastings Milledge from the Mets and hopefully his rap album.) Violence? (Check. Singed the incomparable Elijah Dukes. You dead, dawg.) Drugs? (Check. Signed Mitchell Report star Paul Lo Duca.) Beautiful travel destinations that white people would be scared to go 50 feet outside the gate (Check plus. Build a brand new stadium in Anacostia.)
Philadelphia = England
One place you do not want to get in a fight with the fans. The actual teams/country hasn’t won anything in awhile. Though they’re not actually that good in World Cups/American sports, they always think they deserve a championship.
NL CENTRAL
Cubs = France
Both had the colors, blue, red and white. Both take a little too much pride in their alcohol. France with its obsession with its wine (My favorite History Channel special was the one where they talk about the lengths the French took to protect their wine from the Nazis in WWII. Forget freedom, they’ll never take our wine. A tremendously entertaining hour of television. And yet I digress). Harry Carey loved to push his cool, refreshing Budweiser. And neither of the two have won anything in over a century. France was once led by a Lou (Louis I-XVI) and the Cubs are now led by a Lou (Sweet Lou Pinella). (On another tangent, I think all people named Lou should put “Sweet” in front of their name. Makes it sound cooler. Then again, I’m the same one who wanted to name his brothers “Dumper” after a dump truck, and “Tyrannosaurus Rex.” Though to be fair, T Rex would have been the coolest kid in school when Jurassic Park came out. Wait? This is supposed to be a baseball column? Sorry, I’ll get back to talking about illogical team comparisons.)
Milwaukee = Netherlands
If you’re attending either one of these places, you’re probably going to get fucked up. Off of beer at a Brewers game, and who knows what in Amsterdam. The one place this analogy doesn’t work is that if you’re going to Milwaukee to solicit sex, then you have bigger (Like that double entendre? Get it? Bigger because women from Wisconsin are fat? I swear, I should call myself the Word Wizard sometimes. That time would be never, but it’d be there none the less.) problems than what happens when you go to a baseball game. There’s confusion surrounding as to how to classify them. Do I call it the Netherlands or Dutch? Didn’t the Brewers use to play in the American League?
NL WEST
Dodgers = Spain
Both are very leisurely places to play/live. Spain takes siestas, Dodger fans show up in the 4th inning of games. The Spanish Civil War was like the warm up to WWII. The Dodgers leaving Brooklyn was the precursor to West Coast baseball (I’m going to say that was the biggest stretch I’ve made in this column. Though it’s tough to tell. The Shea Stadium/Indian infrastructure one was good as well.)
Rockies = Argentina
Both have mountains. And both distort the true value of stuff. Argentina had roughly a 2000% inflation rate at one point, and home runs at Coors field lost all meaning until they started putting them in a humidor. I’m not sure how Mike Hampton would feel about Argentina’s schools though.
Alright, that’s all I got. If you couldn’t tell, there was a major east coast bias. Anyway, phone lines are now open text your choice for most ridiculous analogy in this entire thing. Text to 3825968 and enter the letter of your choice:A for Oil Can Boyd: isthmus
B for A-Rod’s contract: the World at Dubai
C for Ricky Henderson: Indian Help Desk operator
D for Spanish Civil War: Dodgers’ move from Brooklyn
E for myself: George Will
F for the general references to hookers from the Midwest
Phone lines will be open for 24 hours. Vote early and vote often.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Top 7
Yeah, I guess it has been awhile since I posted something. I have been busy/lazy/drunk lately. Anyway, I’ve been looking forward to this baseball season with more anticipation than usual. Is the likely reason gambling? Why yes, it is. I was going to get in a Home Run Derby pool (8 guys, most HRs wins), but forgot to submit my picks before the stupid Japanese opener (actually, watching baseball while getting ready for work was kind of fun). So I guess I’m going to live vicariously through my dad’s picks. What else am I looking forward to? A Top 7 list is in order:
7. Manny Ramirez is in a contract year. That should be all I need to say, but I need to mention that his performance in Japan won him MVP honors and a check for 1 million yen (About $10,000 US and dropping everyday. Nothing like working an exchange rate joke in. Those things usually kill.) Best of all, they gave him a giant check. I’m 98% sure Manny put this check in the back seat of his car, Happy Gilmore style. Oh, and this was done with someone else’s bat because he couldn’t use the one he brought to Japan. So another 6 months of this is in the works because you’ll know he’ll play (if he can understand what a contract year actually means).
6. The Cubs signed some guy from Japan named Fukudome. Try and say that name and not laugh.
5. Making my inevitable trip to Shea Stadium this season for the last time and getting nostalgic about a place that’s a piece of shit.
4. Sometimes I think I’m lucky because every since I’ve moved down to the Dirty, DC has turned into ground zero in wacky athletes (see Arenas, Gilbert; Portis, Clinton). The Nats got in on the action by signing Elijah Dukes (best known for either sending a text message to his soon to be ex-wife saying, “You dead, dawg” and knocking up a foster child), and Lastings Milledge (former Mets minor league star, who had a propensity for making rap songs). This season is looking more exciting already. Then once I start thinking I’m lucky for this, I remember how my luck has traditionally been, and start looking at the ceiling to make sure its not going to fall on me again (I should do a Barney Top 7 injuries. Maybe next time).
3. A-Rod and the constant steroid rumors. Jose Canseco, doing the Lord’s work in my opinion.
2. The indomitable force that is Hank Steinbrenner. He’s already called out the Tampa Bay Rays for not knowing their place and threatened to stop sharing revenue with them. The sky is really the limit for what this guy can go. I’m really hoping he doesn’t know baseball that well, because he could really make the Yankees a laughingstock (Wait, they’re not already? They blew the largest lead ever, haven’t won a playoff series in three seasons, and their best pitcher’s name is Wang. I’m laughing. And that’s all that matters right? It’s pretty much the same thing with all of these episodes I write.)
1. There are few things better than one of your teams signing the best pitcher in baseball. One of those things is signing the best pitcher in baseball who’s name is also the name of a member of Dip Set. I think I’m going to go out and buy Diplomatic Immunity and blast that during all his starts: “Santana, Santana, Santana, Santana, Santana…”
Note: Brock reminded me after I wrote this that apparently after walks in Yankee Stadium they have Johnie Walker on the screen. That’s almost enough for me to not hate them, but after further consideration, I’m going to give the credit to the brilliant ad folks at Johnnie Walker.
7. Manny Ramirez is in a contract year. That should be all I need to say, but I need to mention that his performance in Japan won him MVP honors and a check for 1 million yen (About $10,000 US and dropping everyday. Nothing like working an exchange rate joke in. Those things usually kill.) Best of all, they gave him a giant check. I’m 98% sure Manny put this check in the back seat of his car, Happy Gilmore style. Oh, and this was done with someone else’s bat because he couldn’t use the one he brought to Japan. So another 6 months of this is in the works because you’ll know he’ll play (if he can understand what a contract year actually means).
6. The Cubs signed some guy from Japan named Fukudome. Try and say that name and not laugh.
5. Making my inevitable trip to Shea Stadium this season for the last time and getting nostalgic about a place that’s a piece of shit.
4. Sometimes I think I’m lucky because every since I’ve moved down to the Dirty, DC has turned into ground zero in wacky athletes (see Arenas, Gilbert; Portis, Clinton). The Nats got in on the action by signing Elijah Dukes (best known for either sending a text message to his soon to be ex-wife saying, “You dead, dawg” and knocking up a foster child), and Lastings Milledge (former Mets minor league star, who had a propensity for making rap songs). This season is looking more exciting already. Then once I start thinking I’m lucky for this, I remember how my luck has traditionally been, and start looking at the ceiling to make sure its not going to fall on me again (I should do a Barney Top 7 injuries. Maybe next time).
3. A-Rod and the constant steroid rumors. Jose Canseco, doing the Lord’s work in my opinion.
2. The indomitable force that is Hank Steinbrenner. He’s already called out the Tampa Bay Rays for not knowing their place and threatened to stop sharing revenue with them. The sky is really the limit for what this guy can go. I’m really hoping he doesn’t know baseball that well, because he could really make the Yankees a laughingstock (Wait, they’re not already? They blew the largest lead ever, haven’t won a playoff series in three seasons, and their best pitcher’s name is Wang. I’m laughing. And that’s all that matters right? It’s pretty much the same thing with all of these episodes I write.)
1. There are few things better than one of your teams signing the best pitcher in baseball. One of those things is signing the best pitcher in baseball who’s name is also the name of a member of Dip Set. I think I’m going to go out and buy Diplomatic Immunity and blast that during all his starts: “Santana, Santana, Santana, Santana, Santana…”
Note: Brock reminded me after I wrote this that apparently after walks in Yankee Stadium they have Johnie Walker on the screen. That’s almost enough for me to not hate them, but after further consideration, I’m going to give the credit to the brilliant ad folks at Johnnie Walker.
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