"When life takes you to a dead end, call a hooker"

We’ll get to the above quote soon enough. It makes a lot more sense when you realize Brock came down to the Dirty this weekend (I can see the light bulb going on above your head). Brock decided to make a trip for his birthday after plans for a boat trip fell apart. Basically I wasn’t coming if we couldn’t reenact the Vikings boat trip. The procurement of strippers across state lines wasn’t happening as efficiently as I would have liked which put the whole operation in jeopardy. Instead, I was able to get my hands on some Redskins tickets. Then we went on a road trip to North Carolina. Why? Why not is a better question. I’m like the John Lennon of getting drunk in new locations.

Let’s first get to the football game. Brock brought his A game of heckling and actually had a bit of a following in the upper deck. He called out a Patriots fan for looking like Jimmy Fallon and another one for stealing Rick James’s hair. A solid performance on his part. We stopped on the way home to see the White House and I have to admire both our restraints in not making a penis joke about the Washington Monument across the way.

Saturday morning we climbed in a rented Kia Rio (nothing says ballin’ like a Kia) to start our trip to North Carolina. Just to be prepared, I bought a liter of liquor for myself. We fueled ourselves with the worst meal I think I’ve ever had. A sausage and egg on a croissant and hash browns from Dunkin’ Donuts. I can’t even describe how bad this tasted. Before leaving, Brock was called “The Governor” by some random chick at the Double D (Here’s your advertising idea, Dunkin’ Donuts: Get rid of the “America Runs on Dunkin”. Because if they all did, there would be a horrible shortage of available bathrooms if they ate your breakfast sandwiches. Embrace the Double D. Because who doesn’t like saying that? Either that or go with “Throw some D’s on it”. You’re Welcome.) He then tried to get a picture with her, but she flat out refused him. Rousing start to the trip.

We arrived in Durham, North Carolina and stopped by Duke University. You would think you would reach a point where you got tired of rape jokes. You would be wrong. I was considering buying a Duke Lacrosse hat and then bumping The Lox’s “Rapin’ You Records” skit. We stopped by what was easily the least impressive college stadiums I’ve ever seen. I think I’ve seen high schools with better facilities. Coach K must be having some of the best “assistant coaches” in the world to get the recruits he gets. And by “assistant coaches” I mean the ones who have offices in student dorm rooms and are named Buffy and Suzy.

Then we went to UNC and saw the Dean Dome. Unfortunately, the student bookstore was closed when we got there so I wasn’t able to blow $200 on Tarheel merchandise. Don’t worry. Keep reading and I’ll blow it in an even more impressive fashion. After that it was off to dinner which allowed Drunken Barney to come out. Let the fun begin. Some of the highlights of the night:

- We went to a bar which brewed it’s own beer. There was a microbrewery right next to a wall size picture of a young MJ. Seeing that I had the two things that I enjoy most, we proceeded to order Patron shots. I think we had 5 rounds plus some beers and the bill came to $72. Hooray cheap southern living.
- Being genuinely upset when North Carolina did not have someone at the Va border with their shirt off swinging it over their head like a helicopter. Has Petey Pablo taught us nothing?
- Going to a bar with a 37 year old bar tender. She started talking to us. Brock putting the following quote from me on Facebook: “I demand we double team her in the back of the Kia Rio.” I’m classy.
- Going to a bar that had the word “Player’s” in the name that was not a strip club. I was shocked.
- We went to another bar called the Library. I don’t think they get this whole bar naming thing in Chapel Hill, but it’s not like that stopped me from ordering Henn Rock shots. The next thing I know, I’m being woken up and I’m sleeping in the front seat of the Kia.
- Being woken up to go into a hotel. We got a room that cost $240 I believe. This was at 4 am. We left by 9:30. I think it would have been more fiscally responsible to solicit a hooker and stay at her place.
- Not that this wasn’t attempted. Brock tells me he tried to go to a frat, but got lost. “I took a wrong turn and ended up on a dead end road. Then I started to call hookers.” That prompted our new motto on life: “When life takes you to a dead end, call a hooker.” Now that’s some life advice. I’m already working on making up motivational posters with “Perseverance” in big letters with that phrase underneath. The only question I have is if I leave the motivational Eagle on there or go with the picture of a car pulling up to a scantily clad woman. That’s why they pay me the big money.
- On the ride back, we proceeded to make MTV Rock and Jock jokes for about an hour. We called Dan Cortez, “The Original Hipster” because of the apathetic way in which he wore his baseball hat backwards. Please start referring to him as an “O.H.” I swear this was hilarious at the time.
- Brock returns the Kia to Hertz and they naturally assume he’s a drug dealer because he told them he went to Virginia and North Carolina with the rental. If I’ve learned anything from The Simpsons, the correct response for an excuse is, “I was buying pornography. Getting drunk at the ol’ pornography shop.” This might be the first time this was an excuse and not the truth for Brock.

I think that about sums it up. North Carolina gets added to the list of states in which I’ve gotten drunk in. We’re up to 13 now by my count. Who says I don’t have goals?