In my ongoing attempt to give a status of everyone on the 1994 NY Knicks, here's your Anthony Mason update:
http://www.nypost.com/seven/12302007/news/regionalnews/knick_hit_me_in_bad_pass__gal_828263.htm
For those of you going out to New Year's parties tonight, if you get turned down by a female, have one of your friends say, "We would have given you money." That's what Anthony Mason did and its all class.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Monday Morning Hangover - Week 17
In honor of the Patriots going 16-0, I’m going to talk about Randy Moss. I read a couple weeks ago that if he has a few more good years in New England, he’ll be a lock for the Hall of Fame. My question is, he really needs a few more years? The man was part of the two most explosive offenses in history in two different places. Does he have some issues? Of course. But I tried to think of which player in my lifetime had more talent than him, and I can’t even come up with a name besides Barry Sanders. If I had to pick my 10 favorite highlights of the past 15 years, I think Randy Moss would have at least 3, maybe even 5. One play stuck out to me Saturday night. Moss and Ben Watson were on the left side, Moss goes on a skinny post, and Watson cuts his route short and heads to the sidelines. The Giant covering Watson leaves his man to double Moss, leaving Watson wide open for a 20-25 yard gain. How many other players are teams willing to give 20 yards so that they don’t touch the ball. Devin Hester, Moss, possibly TO. That’s the list.
My favorite Randy Moss moment was watching him in Minnesota on HBO’s Inside the NFL. Moss is going on a fly pattern and the corner is still giving him a 4 yard cushion. Even with this 4 yard cushion, Moss knows this isn’t enough and throws his hand up telling Cullpepper to throw him the ball while his man is 3-4 yards ahead of him. Of course Moss caught it and took it to the house. Just the most incredible play I might have ever seen and I don’t think this view was ever put on a normal highlight reel.
Saturday night was vintage Moss. Brady throwing the deep ball to him short, then following it immediately up by another bomb was all you need to know about Moss. You can know it’s coming, but that won’t help you stop it. Moss’s post game interview cracked me up. "I don't really think that me breaking Jerry Rice's record was special," Moss said. "I think shutting you guys up was really what made it special. All the negativity and all my critics, I think this really is a good feeling to be able to come in and have a good season like this, to have confidence in myself that I can still get it done. And still I really wasn't coming into the season not thinking that I was going to have a good season. My mindset was to come out here and have a helluva of a season. Just wanted to come up here and play some good football this year, knowing that it was my 10th year in the league." Now picture him wearing a suit and tie, the tie half off, and him wearing sunglasses, while not shaving the past week. Just a tremendous 30 second clip.
I was also intrigued by how the entire Patriots team acted like this was unexpected. They kept talking about how the media had doubted them and were almost defiant in their moment of triumph. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more focused team in my life. Also, Belichick’s press conferences are a thing of beauty. He says absolutely nothing of consequence, yet I’m entertained by these. Probably because he does it with such a smug attitude.
Anyway, on to other stuff for this week.
Tankapalooza 2007 Final Update
When Tankapalooza 2007 started, I told you I already knew the Jets would fuck this up. So what do they do? Fuck it up of course. It started by them winning against Pittsburgh. Then they had to go out and beat Kansas City. If they had lost yesterday, they would have been picking no worse than 3rd. Now, they’re picking 6th because they ended up losing all the tie breakers. Ahead of them are Miami, St Louis, Atlanta, Oakland and Kansas City. You’re telling me none of those teams need a running back? You even played yourselves out of Glenn Dorsey territory. Though the Jets are probably in prime position to get another offensive fucking lineman. Tankapalooza 2007 has been a failure.
I get a text message at 11:15 last night asking if Kerry Collins is drunk. I think that’s a valid question at anytime. Kerry is one rung below me on the alky scale.
I’d like to thank the Redskins for getting their collective acts together in December, when my fantasy season was already a waste. Good to see Clinton Portis start putting up 100 yard games during the last week of the regular season. You’re lucky you’re Clinton Portis and wear a red scarf and fedora while doing your postgame interviews. I can’t stay mad at you. And Chris Cooley earned a Pro Bowl berth. So I feel somewhat validated on that pick.
Hopefully, I’ll get around to a playoff preview sometime this week.
Finally, if anyone has any ideas on what I did between 1:30 and 3:15 am on Friday night, I’d be happy to hear them. I was apparently dropped off at the subway at 1:30, someone saw me walking to the subway, and the next thing anyone knows it was 3:15 and I was in a parking garage. My co-workers who have nothing else to do today are concocting stories on my lost hour and 45 minutes. Feel free to make up your own stories.
My favorite Randy Moss moment was watching him in Minnesota on HBO’s Inside the NFL. Moss is going on a fly pattern and the corner is still giving him a 4 yard cushion. Even with this 4 yard cushion, Moss knows this isn’t enough and throws his hand up telling Cullpepper to throw him the ball while his man is 3-4 yards ahead of him. Of course Moss caught it and took it to the house. Just the most incredible play I might have ever seen and I don’t think this view was ever put on a normal highlight reel.
Saturday night was vintage Moss. Brady throwing the deep ball to him short, then following it immediately up by another bomb was all you need to know about Moss. You can know it’s coming, but that won’t help you stop it. Moss’s post game interview cracked me up. "I don't really think that me breaking Jerry Rice's record was special," Moss said. "I think shutting you guys up was really what made it special. All the negativity and all my critics, I think this really is a good feeling to be able to come in and have a good season like this, to have confidence in myself that I can still get it done. And still I really wasn't coming into the season not thinking that I was going to have a good season. My mindset was to come out here and have a helluva of a season. Just wanted to come up here and play some good football this year, knowing that it was my 10th year in the league." Now picture him wearing a suit and tie, the tie half off, and him wearing sunglasses, while not shaving the past week. Just a tremendous 30 second clip.
I was also intrigued by how the entire Patriots team acted like this was unexpected. They kept talking about how the media had doubted them and were almost defiant in their moment of triumph. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more focused team in my life. Also, Belichick’s press conferences are a thing of beauty. He says absolutely nothing of consequence, yet I’m entertained by these. Probably because he does it with such a smug attitude.
Anyway, on to other stuff for this week.
Tankapalooza 2007 Final Update
When Tankapalooza 2007 started, I told you I already knew the Jets would fuck this up. So what do they do? Fuck it up of course. It started by them winning against Pittsburgh. Then they had to go out and beat Kansas City. If they had lost yesterday, they would have been picking no worse than 3rd. Now, they’re picking 6th because they ended up losing all the tie breakers. Ahead of them are Miami, St Louis, Atlanta, Oakland and Kansas City. You’re telling me none of those teams need a running back? You even played yourselves out of Glenn Dorsey territory. Though the Jets are probably in prime position to get another offensive fucking lineman. Tankapalooza 2007 has been a failure.
I get a text message at 11:15 last night asking if Kerry Collins is drunk. I think that’s a valid question at anytime. Kerry is one rung below me on the alky scale.
I’d like to thank the Redskins for getting their collective acts together in December, when my fantasy season was already a waste. Good to see Clinton Portis start putting up 100 yard games during the last week of the regular season. You’re lucky you’re Clinton Portis and wear a red scarf and fedora while doing your postgame interviews. I can’t stay mad at you. And Chris Cooley earned a Pro Bowl berth. So I feel somewhat validated on that pick.
Hopefully, I’ll get around to a playoff preview sometime this week.
Finally, if anyone has any ideas on what I did between 1:30 and 3:15 am on Friday night, I’d be happy to hear them. I was apparently dropped off at the subway at 1:30, someone saw me walking to the subway, and the next thing anyone knows it was 3:15 and I was in a parking garage. My co-workers who have nothing else to do today are concocting stories on my lost hour and 45 minutes. Feel free to make up your own stories.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Barney's Birthday
So Thursday was my birthday. We celebrated the only way I know how…classy (and with a lot of alcohol). Thursday’s celebration was postponed because of food poisoning. Probably not a bad thing since we were going to Dogfish, with its 9%+ beer. That might not have ended well. Not that Friday’s was a walk in the park. The highlights:
- Drinking 2 Guinness at my desk while waiting for someone to get off work. I really don’t care anymore (about work that is).
- Getting to the bar and having 13 drinks in two and a half hours (I know this is correct because I saved the receipt, you know, for recollection purposes. 9 Jameson’s on the rocks is a lot. That’s probably why the next few paragraphs happened).
- Falling off my bar stool at another bar. Definitely not the high point of my life.
- Going to a bar called Rumors which set off a bunch of texts to Floyd Banks, letting him know that I was tired of these rumors and being followed. (Yes I know, another Lindsay Lohan reference. Floyd Banks used to bump Lindsay’s first single, “Rumors” pretty much every Friday night in college. Fortunately, that joke never got old.)
- Realizing that I’ve lost my ability to dance. I used to be able to dance somewhat in college. I’ve now turned into Carlton Banks doing the Tom Jones song. I don’t know how I lost this but I’m awful now. Needing at least a BAC of .20 to start dancing might have something to do with it though.
- And how did my night end? Anyone who had, “Waking up in a parking garage at 3:15 in the morning” in the pool, you win. Wait, no one had that? Ok, guess we just put add it to the next pot. Seriously though, I have no idea how I ended up here and how long I was in that parking garage. I don’t think it was that long because I woke up standing up. I did have dirt on my pants though. I’m also glad I came to at 3:15 since it’s not like the metro closes at 3 or anything like that. I enjoy having to make decisions like, “Do I pay $60 for a cab home or sleep in some bushes?” For the record, the $60 cab ride was the selection, but the bushes got some serious consideration. If anyone has any other ideas on what happened between 12:30 and 3:15 am, I’d love to know.
And on that note, time to start getting my New Year’s plans together. I think waking up on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial would be a good way to start the year off. Either that or maybe rehab.
- Drinking 2 Guinness at my desk while waiting for someone to get off work. I really don’t care anymore (about work that is).
- Getting to the bar and having 13 drinks in two and a half hours (I know this is correct because I saved the receipt, you know, for recollection purposes. 9 Jameson’s on the rocks is a lot. That’s probably why the next few paragraphs happened).
- Falling off my bar stool at another bar. Definitely not the high point of my life.
- Going to a bar called Rumors which set off a bunch of texts to Floyd Banks, letting him know that I was tired of these rumors and being followed. (Yes I know, another Lindsay Lohan reference. Floyd Banks used to bump Lindsay’s first single, “Rumors” pretty much every Friday night in college. Fortunately, that joke never got old.)
- Realizing that I’ve lost my ability to dance. I used to be able to dance somewhat in college. I’ve now turned into Carlton Banks doing the Tom Jones song. I don’t know how I lost this but I’m awful now. Needing at least a BAC of .20 to start dancing might have something to do with it though.
- And how did my night end? Anyone who had, “Waking up in a parking garage at 3:15 in the morning” in the pool, you win. Wait, no one had that? Ok, guess we just put add it to the next pot. Seriously though, I have no idea how I ended up here and how long I was in that parking garage. I don’t think it was that long because I woke up standing up. I did have dirt on my pants though. I’m also glad I came to at 3:15 since it’s not like the metro closes at 3 or anything like that. I enjoy having to make decisions like, “Do I pay $60 for a cab home or sleep in some bushes?” For the record, the $60 cab ride was the selection, but the bushes got some serious consideration. If anyone has any other ideas on what happened between 12:30 and 3:15 am, I’d love to know.
And on that note, time to start getting my New Year’s plans together. I think waking up on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial would be a good way to start the year off. Either that or maybe rehab.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Christmas Texas Toast
It’s once again time for America’s favorite running episode…Barney Goes to Texas. As always, we’re doing quotes. If I randomly insert Spanish phrases into this episode, don’t blame me, blame me being brainwashed by Dora the Explorer this week. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t read a fictional encounter on the internet of Jerry Jones’ plan to bring the Cowboys to Latin America by having sex with Dora’s mom. That made things a little more awkward to watch. On that note, let’s just get to the quotes.
“Welcome to Atlanta where the players play.” – Ludicris
I had a connection to make at Atlanta to take me to Dallas. Unfortunately, my flight out of Baltimore left late and I missed this connection. So instead of a 9:15 flight to Dallas, I had to wait until 2:30 which ended up being 3:15. So that left me on my own for 5 hours or so in Atlanta’s airport. Contrary to what I expected, there were no strip clubs within the airport itself. I didn’t even see Ludicris’ plane he uses to transport ho’s from different area codes. I know this may come as a shock, but apparently real life isn’t a rap video. Who would have known? (Quick side story: a co-worker of mine has a niece who’s in a rap video now. The song? 5 Thousand Ones. I was reluctant to tell her that it’s a song about throwing money at strippers. She insists that she didn’t do anything raunchy and that she’s fully clothed. I would try and see the video on youtube, but I’m pretty sure that this song was produced by Jazzy Phe. Therefore, I will not listen to this song unless a gun is pointed to my head.)
“Free Mike Vick!” – My brother
Since I spent time in Atlanta, I can tell this story. Regis and Kelly went over to Kuwait or Iraq or some place that doesn’t allow you to drink to interview the troops for Christmas greetings. His regiment got selected. Now he didn’t get interviewed, but he did shout out “Free Mike Vick,” when they did a pan shot of the group. I was proud of my brother that he’s out there putting his life on the line so I could write dumb ass things like this. But I’m even more proud now. The only thing that would make me more proud is if he said “Free Ookie” or “Free Ron Mexico”. That would have been the smart thing to do. Only because I’m sure the producers of Regis and Kelly know who Vick is and will edit that out. I have my doubts that they know his alter egos, Ookie and Ron Mexico. But if any of you are watching Regis and Kelly (I highly doubt it based on my readership. Though Brock might. I seem to recall him making comments about Kelly Ripa that would get him knocked out if her husband heard.), and hear someone give a shout out to Mr. Mexico, that’s my brother, bringing the Barney Show Free Ookie campaign to the Middle East.
“I can’t tell you how excited I am about Jamie Lynn Spears getting pregnant.” - Numerous friends
So I’m in Texas hanging out with my BM’s brother who’s like 11. He’s watching Nickelodeon. I have a sick desire to watch Zoey 101 or whatever the hell Jamie Lynn’s show is called. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case and I spent 2 hours watching random Nick shows with an 11 year old.
It was all made up however, when we watched the Christmas parade from Disney World. I didn’t leave the room because it was hosted by Regis and Kelly and thought they might have Christmas greetings from the troops. The cast of High School Musical did a song. I did get to think in my head, “Ha, I saw that chick on the right naked on the internet.” So on random shows for 12 year olds that I shouldn’t be watching, it was a wash.
“18 years, 18 years, she got one of your kids she got you for 18 years.” – Kanye
So I’m over hearing conversation between the women folk and hear my BM say that another single mother told her, “Some of us don’t have a rich baby daddy.” So apparently, that’s what I am now. A rich baby daddy. Should I be flattered by this? Insulted? I’m more confused than anything.
Though it does speak to how where I went really is a ghetto, just lot more spread out geographically. I think I had more college credits than the rest of the house combined. I really had to dumb myself down while there. And this is the place I’m thinking of moving to. Though this might improve the content of my episodes. So there is that.
“Don’t ever get put in a sleeper hold…because when you wake up, your anus will really hurt.” – Chappelle Show
Following up on the previous quote, how many of you slept in the same room with a convicted felon who spent a year behind bars for Christmas? That’s why I have a blog about my Christmas experience and you don’t. Thank God I only had my daughter with me and not a girl. Because I’m pretty sure it would result in me sitting in the corner crying while Lysol had sex with Katie.
“Don’t tell me you’re a functional alcoholic.” - A coworker to me
Yes I am. That’s the reason I have a half pint of Jack in the period between dropping my rental car off and going through airport security and will still be at work tomorrow, assuming there’s no flight delays. Oh wait, my flight to Atlanta is delayed an hour and 45 minutes. This should be fun. If I find an outlet, this will be the longest Barney Show ever. Well, at least I drank that Jack with only a doughnut in my stomach all day.
“For all of you calling and saying the Redskins accomplished a lot considering the circumstances, I’m just letting you know I consider them underachievers.” – Sports Radio Host in Dallas
Apparently losing your fourth game in a row, possibly decided by your head coach calling a 2nd time out resulting in a 15 yard penalty, then flying the next day to bury your team’s best player who was shot in a botched robbery, then losing your starting quarterback in the 1st half of your next game doesn’t count as adversity. Winning 3 in a row after this isn’t an accomplishment. This is the new standard by which homerism will be measured.
“We’ll be back on ESPN Radio: it’s [insert random name here] and Nate Newton.” – Sports Radio Host in Dallas
So Nate Newton is apparently doing a drive time radio show in Dallas. I may be mistaken, but wasn’t Big Nate convicted of driving a van full of weed for distribution? What do Cowboys from the early 90s need to do to not work for ESPN? A van full of weed isn’t enough. Getting caught with cocaine and hookers isn’t enough. Said person made racist comments on the air and wasn’t fired. A grasp of the English language isn’t even required. If I didn’t have to be supportive of Who’s Now 2, I might apply for a job at the worldwide leader. Alcoholism won’t keep me from getting it if I can convince Troy Aikman that I was the scrappy 3rd down wide receiver in 1992. He’s pretty concussed, so I think this is a good chance.
“Alright, I’m the asshole.” – Swingers
On to this week’s segment of “Things that only happen to me.” So its tough enough leaving my daughter behind. What I didn’t need is slamming her finger in the door while putting my bags in my rental. Because it’s always a good impression of someone leaving when they physically injure you. God, I’m a jackass.
“You’ll shoot your eye out.” – A Christmas Story
Two parts to this quote. First, is it just me, or is the new Christmas tradition becoming that you watch A Christmas Story, but never in one sitting. You change back and forth to it over the course of the day and end up getting the entire movie in parts. Or you have different people working the remote and you end up watching the same parts over and over like an ass. Maybe I’m wrong (won’t be the first time).
Secondly, one advantage to having a Texas Christmas is that before dinner, you play capture the flag with pellet guns. Was this fun? Fuck and Yes. I might go by myself an air pistol just so I can get my skills up for next year. There’s nothing more fun than being able to say, “Ok, I reloaded” and actually reload. Well, maybe shooting a 12 year old multiple times with a pellet Uzi (in my defense, he did have a semi-automatic). That’s fun as hell.
“FLOSSSIN’” – Jim Jones
So my flight back to Atlanta was 2 hours late, so I missed my connection to Bodymore, Murderland. They got me on the last flight there but I had to run to make it. It was all worth it because I got bumped up to business class. I was straight ballin’. The best part is that you get unlimited alcohol for free. That might be the best thing ever. Unfortunately, it was only an hour and 15 minute flight and I had to drive home from the airport. So I kept it to only 3 Bloody Mary’s.
“OJ Simpson…not a Jew. But guess who is Hall of Famer Rod Carew.” – Adam Sandler
I think the highlight of this trip was seeing a guy with an OJ Simpson USC throwback on at the airport. What type of statement was this guy trying to make? I have the ability to slash your throat and get away with it? The Juice got a raw deal? I just don’t give a fuck? I was thinking of asking him, but decided that the first possible statement was too real and didn’t want to spend Christmas in ER.
Not that I can really talk. I still have my Michael Vick Va Tech throwback. I keep telling myself its for Halloween when I’ll dress up in my Bad Newz Kennelz outfit. Plus, it’s freakin’ hilarious.
“I think I’m going to make this a Jim Beam Christmas.” – J Man
Though I had my issues with Texas, it’s not like my family’s Christmas was much better. My parents waited until the 23rd to by a tree so they ended up with one that looked like it belonged in the Charlie Brown Christmas. My brother took this as a sign and started drinking heavily. He needed to in order to make it through my mother’s side of the family. On that note, another Texas Toast is complete. See y’all in February.
“Welcome to Atlanta where the players play.” – Ludicris
I had a connection to make at Atlanta to take me to Dallas. Unfortunately, my flight out of Baltimore left late and I missed this connection. So instead of a 9:15 flight to Dallas, I had to wait until 2:30 which ended up being 3:15. So that left me on my own for 5 hours or so in Atlanta’s airport. Contrary to what I expected, there were no strip clubs within the airport itself. I didn’t even see Ludicris’ plane he uses to transport ho’s from different area codes. I know this may come as a shock, but apparently real life isn’t a rap video. Who would have known? (Quick side story: a co-worker of mine has a niece who’s in a rap video now. The song? 5 Thousand Ones. I was reluctant to tell her that it’s a song about throwing money at strippers. She insists that she didn’t do anything raunchy and that she’s fully clothed. I would try and see the video on youtube, but I’m pretty sure that this song was produced by Jazzy Phe. Therefore, I will not listen to this song unless a gun is pointed to my head.)
“Free Mike Vick!” – My brother
Since I spent time in Atlanta, I can tell this story. Regis and Kelly went over to Kuwait or Iraq or some place that doesn’t allow you to drink to interview the troops for Christmas greetings. His regiment got selected. Now he didn’t get interviewed, but he did shout out “Free Mike Vick,” when they did a pan shot of the group. I was proud of my brother that he’s out there putting his life on the line so I could write dumb ass things like this. But I’m even more proud now. The only thing that would make me more proud is if he said “Free Ookie” or “Free Ron Mexico”. That would have been the smart thing to do. Only because I’m sure the producers of Regis and Kelly know who Vick is and will edit that out. I have my doubts that they know his alter egos, Ookie and Ron Mexico. But if any of you are watching Regis and Kelly (I highly doubt it based on my readership. Though Brock might. I seem to recall him making comments about Kelly Ripa that would get him knocked out if her husband heard.), and hear someone give a shout out to Mr. Mexico, that’s my brother, bringing the Barney Show Free Ookie campaign to the Middle East.
“I can’t tell you how excited I am about Jamie Lynn Spears getting pregnant.” - Numerous friends
So I’m in Texas hanging out with my BM’s brother who’s like 11. He’s watching Nickelodeon. I have a sick desire to watch Zoey 101 or whatever the hell Jamie Lynn’s show is called. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case and I spent 2 hours watching random Nick shows with an 11 year old.
It was all made up however, when we watched the Christmas parade from Disney World. I didn’t leave the room because it was hosted by Regis and Kelly and thought they might have Christmas greetings from the troops. The cast of High School Musical did a song. I did get to think in my head, “Ha, I saw that chick on the right naked on the internet.” So on random shows for 12 year olds that I shouldn’t be watching, it was a wash.
“18 years, 18 years, she got one of your kids she got you for 18 years.” – Kanye
So I’m over hearing conversation between the women folk and hear my BM say that another single mother told her, “Some of us don’t have a rich baby daddy.” So apparently, that’s what I am now. A rich baby daddy. Should I be flattered by this? Insulted? I’m more confused than anything.
Though it does speak to how where I went really is a ghetto, just lot more spread out geographically. I think I had more college credits than the rest of the house combined. I really had to dumb myself down while there. And this is the place I’m thinking of moving to. Though this might improve the content of my episodes. So there is that.
“Don’t ever get put in a sleeper hold…because when you wake up, your anus will really hurt.” – Chappelle Show
Following up on the previous quote, how many of you slept in the same room with a convicted felon who spent a year behind bars for Christmas? That’s why I have a blog about my Christmas experience and you don’t. Thank God I only had my daughter with me and not a girl. Because I’m pretty sure it would result in me sitting in the corner crying while Lysol had sex with Katie.
“Don’t tell me you’re a functional alcoholic.” - A coworker to me
Yes I am. That’s the reason I have a half pint of Jack in the period between dropping my rental car off and going through airport security and will still be at work tomorrow, assuming there’s no flight delays. Oh wait, my flight to Atlanta is delayed an hour and 45 minutes. This should be fun. If I find an outlet, this will be the longest Barney Show ever. Well, at least I drank that Jack with only a doughnut in my stomach all day.
“For all of you calling and saying the Redskins accomplished a lot considering the circumstances, I’m just letting you know I consider them underachievers.” – Sports Radio Host in Dallas
Apparently losing your fourth game in a row, possibly decided by your head coach calling a 2nd time out resulting in a 15 yard penalty, then flying the next day to bury your team’s best player who was shot in a botched robbery, then losing your starting quarterback in the 1st half of your next game doesn’t count as adversity. Winning 3 in a row after this isn’t an accomplishment. This is the new standard by which homerism will be measured.
“We’ll be back on ESPN Radio: it’s [insert random name here] and Nate Newton.” – Sports Radio Host in Dallas
So Nate Newton is apparently doing a drive time radio show in Dallas. I may be mistaken, but wasn’t Big Nate convicted of driving a van full of weed for distribution? What do Cowboys from the early 90s need to do to not work for ESPN? A van full of weed isn’t enough. Getting caught with cocaine and hookers isn’t enough. Said person made racist comments on the air and wasn’t fired. A grasp of the English language isn’t even required. If I didn’t have to be supportive of Who’s Now 2, I might apply for a job at the worldwide leader. Alcoholism won’t keep me from getting it if I can convince Troy Aikman that I was the scrappy 3rd down wide receiver in 1992. He’s pretty concussed, so I think this is a good chance.
“Alright, I’m the asshole.” – Swingers
On to this week’s segment of “Things that only happen to me.” So its tough enough leaving my daughter behind. What I didn’t need is slamming her finger in the door while putting my bags in my rental. Because it’s always a good impression of someone leaving when they physically injure you. God, I’m a jackass.
“You’ll shoot your eye out.” – A Christmas Story
Two parts to this quote. First, is it just me, or is the new Christmas tradition becoming that you watch A Christmas Story, but never in one sitting. You change back and forth to it over the course of the day and end up getting the entire movie in parts. Or you have different people working the remote and you end up watching the same parts over and over like an ass. Maybe I’m wrong (won’t be the first time).
Secondly, one advantage to having a Texas Christmas is that before dinner, you play capture the flag with pellet guns. Was this fun? Fuck and Yes. I might go by myself an air pistol just so I can get my skills up for next year. There’s nothing more fun than being able to say, “Ok, I reloaded” and actually reload. Well, maybe shooting a 12 year old multiple times with a pellet Uzi (in my defense, he did have a semi-automatic). That’s fun as hell.
“FLOSSSIN’” – Jim Jones
So my flight back to Atlanta was 2 hours late, so I missed my connection to Bodymore, Murderland. They got me on the last flight there but I had to run to make it. It was all worth it because I got bumped up to business class. I was straight ballin’. The best part is that you get unlimited alcohol for free. That might be the best thing ever. Unfortunately, it was only an hour and 15 minute flight and I had to drive home from the airport. So I kept it to only 3 Bloody Mary’s.
“OJ Simpson…not a Jew. But guess who is Hall of Famer Rod Carew.” – Adam Sandler
I think the highlight of this trip was seeing a guy with an OJ Simpson USC throwback on at the airport. What type of statement was this guy trying to make? I have the ability to slash your throat and get away with it? The Juice got a raw deal? I just don’t give a fuck? I was thinking of asking him, but decided that the first possible statement was too real and didn’t want to spend Christmas in ER.
Not that I can really talk. I still have my Michael Vick Va Tech throwback. I keep telling myself its for Halloween when I’ll dress up in my Bad Newz Kennelz outfit. Plus, it’s freakin’ hilarious.
“I think I’m going to make this a Jim Beam Christmas.” – J Man
Though I had my issues with Texas, it’s not like my family’s Christmas was much better. My parents waited until the 23rd to by a tree so they ended up with one that looked like it belonged in the Charlie Brown Christmas. My brother took this as a sign and started drinking heavily. He needed to in order to make it through my mother’s side of the family. On that note, another Texas Toast is complete. See y’all in February.
Friday, December 21, 2007
A Barney Christmas
In honor of the season, here’s something Christmas related: Barney’s Guide to Presents. It’s really not a guide at all, just one suggestion and then how me and my brother handle Christmas. Anyway, if I can give you one piece of advice it’s on wrapping presents. Every year I win the award for worst job wrapping presents. I might be the worst in the world. I give it a good try every year, but I’ve accepted that I have no talent what so ever with this. Anyway, I’ve come to realize that this is a good thing. My shitty wrapping job lowers everyone’s expectations. People are so floored by the debacle that is their gift that they expect nothing less than a lamp that looks like a leg. Half the time, they look at you like you’re so pathetic and are amused by the fact that you actually bought them something. So when they get something that’s actually good, they’re pleasantly surprised. So my advice to you (and honestly, when do I not give you good advice?) is to lower expectations by doing a shitty wrapping job and thus inflating the value of your gift.
And on to the part that you’ve been waiting for (can I add excitedly?): me and my brother’s continued attempt to mock Christmas. This all started back when we were in high school. We were broke so anything we did get each other wouldn’t be good anyway (being broke and sarcastic is never a good combination around Christmas). So we took it a step further and decided to buy each other the most random gifts we could find. Thus a noble tradition was started. Let’s look at some of the gifts my brother has received over the years:A random assortment of goods from a hardware store. This included a brass # 4 that could be put on a house to show the address (very useful considering our address was 97), and butt splicers (electrical equipment). Just saying butt splicers brings a smile to my face.
A random assortment of good from a dollar store. Not only a dollar store, but a dollar store going out of business. J-Man got a bunch of crap that included spices from the Caribbean and a bag with a dollar sign on it. He got 24 gifts and I spent less that $9.
You Got Served on DVD. I didn’t just give him the DVD. I had an act to go with it. Here’s how it went:J-Man: Thanks Barney, You Got Served. A real classic.
Barney: I know, it’s a terrible movie. And because I’m not that cruel, here’s the receipt to return it for a DVD you want (start handing him the receipt).
Barney: (Rip receipt in half) Oh no, you’re stuck with it now. Looks like you got served.
J-Man: (completely speechless)
That one will never be topped. NEVER. That was probably the funniest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’m not one to brag much (and this isn’t dripping with sarcasm like everything else I write), but that was damn near genius. So on one hand, it’s hilarious, but on the other, you know that you’ve already maxed out what you can do on the comedy scale, which isn’t to reassuring considering I write this blog to be somewhat funny.
As a follow up to that, last year, J-Man got himself a Kevin Federline CD. But the album hadn’t come out yet. So I burned the first single onto a disc and made the album cover myself. The linear notes went something along the lines of “Very few artists have been able to capture the skill and versatility that Mr. Federline possesses.” You’ve heard me ramble before (no Barney, you rambling? Never heard it? You only wrote 500 words on that ridiculous dream you had with Lindsay Lohan. It could have easily been 2000). Basically it was 500 words on Kevin Federline talent written in words that should be used by John Facenda. I’d rate this a solid follow up to the You Got Served one.
So what’s J-Man getting this year? Not so fast my friend. I’m not giving that one away. I was going to get him a Rudy Gay jersey, but the NBA store doesn’t have it, the rat bastards. You’ll find out in January when J-Man gets it. I’m spending Christmas in Texas. I’ll be back next week with a ridiculous summary of that which you can feel free to ignore. Very unlikely that I do a Monday Morning Hangover this week, so you’ll need to get your football information from other websites like you normally do. My website consists of very little insight into football.
So enjoy your Christmas. I hope you and your loved ones can come together and make a manger Ricky Bobby style, with baby Jesus sitting in his crib watching Baby Einstein videos, learning about shapes and colors. I personally prefer to picture him as a mischievous badger, but to each his own. And isn’t that the true meaning of Christmas? (This easily has to win the least inspiring Christmas story of the year, right?)
And on to the part that you’ve been waiting for (can I add excitedly?): me and my brother’s continued attempt to mock Christmas. This all started back when we were in high school. We were broke so anything we did get each other wouldn’t be good anyway (being broke and sarcastic is never a good combination around Christmas). So we took it a step further and decided to buy each other the most random gifts we could find. Thus a noble tradition was started. Let’s look at some of the gifts my brother has received over the years:A random assortment of goods from a hardware store. This included a brass # 4 that could be put on a house to show the address (very useful considering our address was 97), and butt splicers (electrical equipment). Just saying butt splicers brings a smile to my face.
A random assortment of good from a dollar store. Not only a dollar store, but a dollar store going out of business. J-Man got a bunch of crap that included spices from the Caribbean and a bag with a dollar sign on it. He got 24 gifts and I spent less that $9.
You Got Served on DVD. I didn’t just give him the DVD. I had an act to go with it. Here’s how it went:J-Man: Thanks Barney, You Got Served. A real classic.
Barney: I know, it’s a terrible movie. And because I’m not that cruel, here’s the receipt to return it for a DVD you want (start handing him the receipt).
Barney: (Rip receipt in half) Oh no, you’re stuck with it now. Looks like you got served.
J-Man: (completely speechless)
That one will never be topped. NEVER. That was probably the funniest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’m not one to brag much (and this isn’t dripping with sarcasm like everything else I write), but that was damn near genius. So on one hand, it’s hilarious, but on the other, you know that you’ve already maxed out what you can do on the comedy scale, which isn’t to reassuring considering I write this blog to be somewhat funny.
As a follow up to that, last year, J-Man got himself a Kevin Federline CD. But the album hadn’t come out yet. So I burned the first single onto a disc and made the album cover myself. The linear notes went something along the lines of “Very few artists have been able to capture the skill and versatility that Mr. Federline possesses.” You’ve heard me ramble before (no Barney, you rambling? Never heard it? You only wrote 500 words on that ridiculous dream you had with Lindsay Lohan. It could have easily been 2000). Basically it was 500 words on Kevin Federline talent written in words that should be used by John Facenda. I’d rate this a solid follow up to the You Got Served one.
So what’s J-Man getting this year? Not so fast my friend. I’m not giving that one away. I was going to get him a Rudy Gay jersey, but the NBA store doesn’t have it, the rat bastards. You’ll find out in January when J-Man gets it. I’m spending Christmas in Texas. I’ll be back next week with a ridiculous summary of that which you can feel free to ignore. Very unlikely that I do a Monday Morning Hangover this week, so you’ll need to get your football information from other websites like you normally do. My website consists of very little insight into football.
So enjoy your Christmas. I hope you and your loved ones can come together and make a manger Ricky Bobby style, with baby Jesus sitting in his crib watching Baby Einstein videos, learning about shapes and colors. I personally prefer to picture him as a mischievous badger, but to each his own. And isn’t that the true meaning of Christmas? (This easily has to win the least inspiring Christmas story of the year, right?)
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Oak Update
Because I'm all over things like this, Charles Oakley got arrested last night. I'll let you write your own joke.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/1218071oakley1.html
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/1218071oakley1.html
Monday, December 17, 2007
Monday Morning Hangover - Week 15
And we’re back with another exciting week of football action. Let’s get right into this year’s Trojan Boner of the Year award: It goes to Brian Billick. They’re down 3 with 6 seconds left. Fourth and goal from the half yard line. You’re 4-9, so it’s not like this will affect anything other than draft position. You’re team is moving the football. What do you do? Of course, you kick the field goal and go for the tie. Simply brilliant. You can tell this is true because your players were yelling at you. Actually, the Boner of the Year award goes to Baltimore’s owner who just gave Billick a contract extension before the year. I’m sure he was contemplating how much that buy out will be when the players were yelling at him.
The Jets only lost by 10. I’m impressed. That’s the blueprint for all games going forward. Lose close (though losing the qb of the future wasn’t part of that plan). We’re now tied for the second pick. And St Louis might not take a RB since they have Stephen Jackson. I’m two weeks from rooting for Ronnie Brown rehab sessions to go well.
The Barney Show has made the big time: I got a comment from someone I don’t know. I apparently got a comment on last weeks MMH about Tebow. Granted this was by someone who I think googles random combinations of words, but I found it funny that he felt the need to comment on my post that Tebow wasn’t banging enough chicks.
Other than that, I have nothing else to comment on football this week. So let’s get into drunk Barney stories. If you remember a few weeks ago, in the Barney Interview I said I avoid Georgetown bars because I end up turning into Dikembe Mutumbo. Well, this weekend I ended up in Georgetown after about 4 beers and a bunch of jack on the rocks, and very little food (in fact I puked up a cheeseburger in the bathroom before we left. Not that I was that bad, my stomach just hates me these days). Not only did we go to Georgetown, we took the Georgetown student bus to take us there. I decided this was a good time as any to be an asshole, so I proceeded to spend the 15 minute trip making Georgetown basketball jokes. Roy Hibbert took a lot of the abuse. After a Jeff Green comment didn’t get someone fighting me I decided to up the stakes. So I went back awhile: “How do you not win a national championship with Mutumbo and Mourning on your team?” “Hell, I’d be mad two if my team lost a championship game because the other team shot 65% from the field.” “Do you ever want to go up to Sleepy Floyd and ask, ‘Did you not know that Worthy was on North Carolina?” Unfortunately, this had the opposite effect, as no one understood the references I made. (In my defense, I did say I “respect” Iverson and would not make jokes about him). All it got me was a bunch of stares.
You’d think making fun of one school in a night would be enough, but sadly (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it. If I get my ass kicked one of these days, you’ll still probably laugh), it was not. I was on the train home, and I happened to sit across from someone who went to West Virginia. Now I didn’t start this (I swear I didn’t), but the guy in front of me decides he needs to rip WVU. So he proceeds to start making homosexual references about Pat White and Steve Slaton. I’m trying to mind my own business, but I can’t help laughing at this guy. Eventually, he goes, “This guy knows what I’m talking about,” and points at me. I see this as an opportunity, and since you can only get so much mileage out of the jokes he was doing, I switch it to a WVU joke that I like: couch burning. Once that got old, I decided to bring out the big guns: “I’m sure you’re glad to be a fellow alumnus along with Chris Henry and Pacman Jones.” How I didn’t get my ass kicked by her male companion is beyond me. Maybe he thought I was funny. Who knows. Until next week…
The Jets only lost by 10. I’m impressed. That’s the blueprint for all games going forward. Lose close (though losing the qb of the future wasn’t part of that plan). We’re now tied for the second pick. And St Louis might not take a RB since they have Stephen Jackson. I’m two weeks from rooting for Ronnie Brown rehab sessions to go well.
The Barney Show has made the big time: I got a comment from someone I don’t know. I apparently got a comment on last weeks MMH about Tebow. Granted this was by someone who I think googles random combinations of words, but I found it funny that he felt the need to comment on my post that Tebow wasn’t banging enough chicks.
Other than that, I have nothing else to comment on football this week. So let’s get into drunk Barney stories. If you remember a few weeks ago, in the Barney Interview I said I avoid Georgetown bars because I end up turning into Dikembe Mutumbo. Well, this weekend I ended up in Georgetown after about 4 beers and a bunch of jack on the rocks, and very little food (in fact I puked up a cheeseburger in the bathroom before we left. Not that I was that bad, my stomach just hates me these days). Not only did we go to Georgetown, we took the Georgetown student bus to take us there. I decided this was a good time as any to be an asshole, so I proceeded to spend the 15 minute trip making Georgetown basketball jokes. Roy Hibbert took a lot of the abuse. After a Jeff Green comment didn’t get someone fighting me I decided to up the stakes. So I went back awhile: “How do you not win a national championship with Mutumbo and Mourning on your team?” “Hell, I’d be mad two if my team lost a championship game because the other team shot 65% from the field.” “Do you ever want to go up to Sleepy Floyd and ask, ‘Did you not know that Worthy was on North Carolina?” Unfortunately, this had the opposite effect, as no one understood the references I made. (In my defense, I did say I “respect” Iverson and would not make jokes about him). All it got me was a bunch of stares.
You’d think making fun of one school in a night would be enough, but sadly (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it. If I get my ass kicked one of these days, you’ll still probably laugh), it was not. I was on the train home, and I happened to sit across from someone who went to West Virginia. Now I didn’t start this (I swear I didn’t), but the guy in front of me decides he needs to rip WVU. So he proceeds to start making homosexual references about Pat White and Steve Slaton. I’m trying to mind my own business, but I can’t help laughing at this guy. Eventually, he goes, “This guy knows what I’m talking about,” and points at me. I see this as an opportunity, and since you can only get so much mileage out of the jokes he was doing, I switch it to a WVU joke that I like: couch burning. Once that got old, I decided to bring out the big guns: “I’m sure you’re glad to be a fellow alumnus along with Chris Henry and Pacman Jones.” How I didn’t get my ass kicked by her male companion is beyond me. Maybe he thought I was funny. Who knows. Until next week…
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Actual Quotes from Actual People
We’re going to try a new feature here on The Barney Show…Actual Quotes from Actual People. Two reasons for this: One, so my brother can stop get some of my jokes since he hasn’t followed sports since the 1993 Orlando Magic. Two, I’ve been told I might have some additional readers, and what better way for them to get to know Barney than from the words of friends and family. And with that incredible segue concluded, let’s get on to the quotes:
“So I was talking to Nikki about if we ever did get married, you being my best man. It didn’t go over too well. She said something about every time she’s seen you, you’ve been hammered.” – K-Dog
To be honest, I would not recommend me as a best man for anyone. My speech would end up as either the one from Old School or me just freezing up entirely. I would probably drop f bombs without even realizing it. I could see a marriage failing because of me. I’d also assume I’d be in charge of the bachelor party. We’d be three hours in before people started figuring out there aren’t any strippers coming (All the places hung up the phone when I asked if any of their strippers were Communists). And half the alcohol brought to the party was for myself. And I’m won’t stop saying, “One vagina for the rest of your life. Way to think things out there buddy.” This won’t end well.
And Nikki, don’t feel so special. You’re not the only one who only sees me drunk. Pretty much the only ones who see me consistently sober are my co-workers (and that’s only guaranteed after 11 am).
I was also impressed that two of my friends have begun thinking of marriage and I haven’t yet, despite the fact that I’m the one with a kid. True Barney spirit right there.
“Are you doing coke? I’m not kidding. I know you’ve been working long hours and drinking a lot, so there’s a chance you would be using blow.” – Brock
Ah, the confidence people have in me. For the record, no I’m not using coke. I may not follow the Ten Commandments, so the least I could do is follow the Ten Crack Commandments.
“If you keep going this way, you’re going to end up a bitter, bitter man.” – My BM
I think she was implying that I’m on my way to being bitter. Guess she doesn’t know that I’m pretty bitter as it is now. Maybe because she’s never mentioned anything about JJ Reddick to me. Or the 2005 Divisional Playoffs. And she does try to not talk to me about work.
(This was part of a really fun talk we had. Three hours fun. About our relationship. It would have all been worth it if she had let me finish my sentence from The Departed: “I’m Irish, I can deal with things being wrong my whole life.” I almost got it out. A great quote for justifying a relationship. Though she might have barred me from seeing my child ever again afterwards, I’m sure her face would priceless when I said that.)
Dad: “Barney’s going to drive J-Man home.”Mom: “Is Barney ok to drive?”
Keep in mind this was said at 4 pm on a Sunday. My mom was legitimately asking if I had sobered up from the night before. While I was sitting right next to her. This is why I’m worried that every time I go home that there’s going to be an intervention. It’s coming eventually, I can feel it. I’ve already started rehearsing my, “I don’t have a problem, you’re the ones with the problem,” line.
“Since you won’t be here for Christmas, we’ll give you your present now (handing me “Knocked Up” on DVD). I think you’ll enjoy this.” - My aunt
So everybody’s got jokes. Let’s all laugh it up. I’m sure you’ll be the first of at least three family members that buy this for me. That’s all right. Next year, you’re all getting Rudy Gay Grizzlies jerseys (note: Why next year? Because the NBA store currently doesn’t sell his jersey. I’ve already looked into this. They sell everyone else’s online, including Lawrence freakin’ Roberts and Brian Cardinal. But not their first round pick from last year. Bastards. You’re ruining a hilarious Christmas present.)
“Yeah, you are an asshole Barney.” - My brother
This one was warranted. I got a call from the 757 area code on Thanksgiving. Since I don’t know where that is I ignored the call. It was my brother calling…from Iraq. Nothing says I support my troops like ignoring their calls on holidays. That’s my submission for the 2007 Asshole Olympics. Either that or when I kept demanding the guy to keep playing “Johnny Motherfuckin’ Cash” at an Irish pub. I haven’t decided yet.
So there you have it, what loved ones think about me. I’d say it was a good holiday for me, how ‘bout you? (To be honest, there were positive things people said to me. Those just aren’t funny. So I’m not going to write about those. And don’t worry, me and my baby mama are cool, I just picked a quote completely out of context. We’re good as long as she doesn’t talk about the Patriots getting McFadden with the second pick. Then it’s on like Donkey Kong.)
“So I was talking to Nikki about if we ever did get married, you being my best man. It didn’t go over too well. She said something about every time she’s seen you, you’ve been hammered.” – K-Dog
To be honest, I would not recommend me as a best man for anyone. My speech would end up as either the one from Old School or me just freezing up entirely. I would probably drop f bombs without even realizing it. I could see a marriage failing because of me. I’d also assume I’d be in charge of the bachelor party. We’d be three hours in before people started figuring out there aren’t any strippers coming (All the places hung up the phone when I asked if any of their strippers were Communists). And half the alcohol brought to the party was for myself. And I’m won’t stop saying, “One vagina for the rest of your life. Way to think things out there buddy.” This won’t end well.
And Nikki, don’t feel so special. You’re not the only one who only sees me drunk. Pretty much the only ones who see me consistently sober are my co-workers (and that’s only guaranteed after 11 am).
I was also impressed that two of my friends have begun thinking of marriage and I haven’t yet, despite the fact that I’m the one with a kid. True Barney spirit right there.
“Are you doing coke? I’m not kidding. I know you’ve been working long hours and drinking a lot, so there’s a chance you would be using blow.” – Brock
Ah, the confidence people have in me. For the record, no I’m not using coke. I may not follow the Ten Commandments, so the least I could do is follow the Ten Crack Commandments.
“If you keep going this way, you’re going to end up a bitter, bitter man.” – My BM
I think she was implying that I’m on my way to being bitter. Guess she doesn’t know that I’m pretty bitter as it is now. Maybe because she’s never mentioned anything about JJ Reddick to me. Or the 2005 Divisional Playoffs. And she does try to not talk to me about work.
(This was part of a really fun talk we had. Three hours fun. About our relationship. It would have all been worth it if she had let me finish my sentence from The Departed: “I’m Irish, I can deal with things being wrong my whole life.” I almost got it out. A great quote for justifying a relationship. Though she might have barred me from seeing my child ever again afterwards, I’m sure her face would priceless when I said that.)
Dad: “Barney’s going to drive J-Man home.”Mom: “Is Barney ok to drive?”
Keep in mind this was said at 4 pm on a Sunday. My mom was legitimately asking if I had sobered up from the night before. While I was sitting right next to her. This is why I’m worried that every time I go home that there’s going to be an intervention. It’s coming eventually, I can feel it. I’ve already started rehearsing my, “I don’t have a problem, you’re the ones with the problem,” line.
“Since you won’t be here for Christmas, we’ll give you your present now (handing me “Knocked Up” on DVD). I think you’ll enjoy this.” - My aunt
So everybody’s got jokes. Let’s all laugh it up. I’m sure you’ll be the first of at least three family members that buy this for me. That’s all right. Next year, you’re all getting Rudy Gay Grizzlies jerseys (note: Why next year? Because the NBA store currently doesn’t sell his jersey. I’ve already looked into this. They sell everyone else’s online, including Lawrence freakin’ Roberts and Brian Cardinal. But not their first round pick from last year. Bastards. You’re ruining a hilarious Christmas present.)
“Yeah, you are an asshole Barney.” - My brother
This one was warranted. I got a call from the 757 area code on Thanksgiving. Since I don’t know where that is I ignored the call. It was my brother calling…from Iraq. Nothing says I support my troops like ignoring their calls on holidays. That’s my submission for the 2007 Asshole Olympics. Either that or when I kept demanding the guy to keep playing “Johnny Motherfuckin’ Cash” at an Irish pub. I haven’t decided yet.
So there you have it, what loved ones think about me. I’d say it was a good holiday for me, how ‘bout you? (To be honest, there were positive things people said to me. Those just aren’t funny. So I’m not going to write about those. And don’t worry, me and my baby mama are cool, I just picked a quote completely out of context. We’re good as long as she doesn’t talk about the Patriots getting McFadden with the second pick. Then it’s on like Donkey Kong.)
Monday, December 10, 2007
Monday Morning Hangover - Week 14
In case you wondering (and judging by the attendance here, you’re not), I’m perfectly fine with Tebow winning the Heisman. If I had a vote, I would have given it to him as well. Still doesn’t McFadden’s status as my man. Anyway, two thoughts on the Heisman:
1. Was anyone else feeling a little weird watching the Tim Tebow piece before they announced the winner? It seems like he grew up in the Flanders house. Maybe I’m just uncomfortable with the best college player in America being a God fearing Christian. I like my college athletes “meeting with the assistant coaches” Jesus Shuttlesworth style, thank you very much. What do I know? Maybe Timmy is getting some. Just do a google image search on “Tim Tebow girl” and you’ll see what I mean. “Katie got some big ass tit-tays.”
2. Ummm…wait a minute, how did I miss that Colt Brennan was accused of sexual assault and convicted of burglary and trespassing? And how was this not bigger news? I’m not saying this is a racial issue, but they didn’t mention Marcus Vick 2 years ago without his issues. And I just found out about these revelations this weekend? I mean, if I don’t know these things, who does? Maybe I should have read that ESPN the Magazine article a couple weeks back instead of just passing it off as a cover dedicated to a player that might be a decent NFL backup (when has a run and shoot QB done well in the league?).
On to the NFL. I missed the 1 pm games due to Christmas shopping (Barney goes to Toys R Us, hilarity ensues). It was a boring slate anyway. I’ve reached my limit of Eli Manning for this year, so the NYG-Philly game wasn’t in the cards. I knew the Pats were winning yesterday. Why? Because too many people were picking Pittsburgh. New England is the closest I’ve seen to Jordan in their ability to find motivation anywhere. Anthony Smith is the new Labradford Smith.
I was listening to pregame stuff on ESPN radio and how did Bill Parcells describe Thursday night’s game? “Both teams played hard.” How has Sheed not copyrighted that by now?
Tankapalooza 2007 Update
Thank you Peter King for ruining my Monday morning. I had temporarily forgotten that the Patriots had the 49ers pick, and they’re currently sitting at # 2. They’re going to get McFadden, I know it. Then he’ll run for 150 yards a game twice a year against the Jets and the Pats will be winning Super Bowls until 2015. Fuckin’ A man, fuckin’ A.
Alright, enough football for this week. I spent most of my weekend trying to maintain some level of dignity while holding a potty trainer while hearing “I need a price check on a Dora the Explorer outfit.” (It’s tough to do. Trust me on that.) Other than that, there were three separate moments when I realized I’m getting old:
1. I was walking through Toys R Us and was drawn to the new GI Joe Sigma 6 action figures. Why? Apparently you don’t need to have fancy signs or flashing colors to get my attention. Just give your toy a name based on lean management theory.
2. I was half heartedly listening to a mixtape over the weekend and heard some random rapper say, “Double XL.” My first thought was “Why is a rapper name checking spreadsheet software?”
3. After unwrapping a sandwich at the mall on Sunday, I realized this would be too hot to eat and went to wrap it back up to take with me. After doing a piss poor job of wrapping it, my first thought was “hit control Z.” Yes, I was hoping for an undo function in real life. After this weekend, I’ve officially become pathetic.
Until next week…
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Barney Takes Manhattan
Sorry for the delay in a new posting (I know there was a void in your life in the absence of any new Barney Show episodes), but I took a vacation and went back to NY with my daughter. With that brought about one of my least favorite pastimes: tourism. Because I’m Barney and not a normal person, my tour of New York was a little different. Let’s review how my trip was different from that of the average tourist: (And if you think a Muppets reference was random, keep reading. I’m all over the place on this one.)
World Trade Center and Battery Park: Pretty much the entire time I was here, I was making references in my head to The 25th Hour. I kept looking around Battery Park for heroin users who were too afraid to go uptown to Harlem because they would get robbed by black people. Also, my first thought upon seeing Ground Zero was, where Phillip Seymour Hoffman so I can tell him, “Fuck the Times, I read the Post.” (I have to make more references to The 25th Hour than anyone else. I would write a whole Barney Classics episode about it, except I need to do more movies. Since I’ve only gotten around to doing He Got Game, I can’t have my only two classic movies be Spike Lee joints. The 25th Hour is to me what The Karate Kid is to Sports Guy for reasons that I can’t fully explain)
Grand Central Station: I spent the entire time here looking around for fat Italians in suits. I even thought about lying down on the escalator. Then I remember that I was good, as long as I didn’t try and get on a train. Thanks Carlito. For the record, I was highly amused that a fucking train station was a place someone wanted to visit. It does have nice architecture but at the end of the day, it’s still where you get on Metro North. (It’s also a key landmark for my main man Connecticut Pete. CP is my dad’s friend who’s an alcoholic with OCD. He lost his license for too many DUI’s so he has to take a train from Long Island to Connecticut. Because he’s OCD, he needs to finish a 6 pack before he gets to Grand Central. The man also makes about half a million dollars a year because he’s has the ability to direct oil tankers into docks, which is apparently a very difficult skill. Needless to say, he’s replaced Jordan as my newest idol.)
Bryant Park: They were having a holiday craft fair when we visited. Now this might sound very boring to the normal person. However, the normal person doesn’t laugh every time he sees something a sign saying, “Made in Colorado” in Bryant Park. Kobe!
Madison Square Garden: I steadfastly refused to show my daughter MSG. That’s how bad Isiah has been.
NY Public Library: Most people see this as a place of knowledge with as much information as anywhere else in the world. I see it as the opening scene in Ghostbusters. I kept looking for Harold Ramis to come running out.
Times Square: Since I had my daughter with me, we took her to the Toys R Us in Times Square because they have a Ferris wheel within the store. This was a great example of Barney luck. Each car on the wheel had a different toy. One was a Matchbox car one, another shaped like Mr. Potato Head, you get the idea. Not only did we end up in the My Little Pony car, this was actually predicted because of my luck.
On top of that, my 22 month old daughter managed to handle this ride better than I did. First off, I was able to control my fear of heights until she started to fidget around and I nearly had a panic attack. I wasn’t scared for myself, but for her. Combine that with the fact that the simply swaying when the wheel stop gave me motion sickness and it was a pretty embarrassing situation. In fact, my balance system is so fucked up at this point, I tried to show my daughter how to do a summersault and got dizzy.
Unfortunately, this ride will ruin my burgeoning rap career. At least if I do have a career (odds on that: 10,874,975 to 1), I can’t get in any beef. Because if I do, my career will be over when someone puts a picture of me in a My Little Pony car on that Summer Jam screen. It’s just too easy for someone to say, “I got the pictures, I’ve seen ya.”FAO Schwartz: Only I could subconsciously confuse the address of a toy store with the NBA store’s address. Needless to say, people were not too happy with me when we were standing on 52nd and 5th and there were no toys.
Rockefeller Center: If I hadn’t been at the end of my rope from doing tourist things, I would have had a lot more fun here. I could have gone up to someone working at the tree and asked, “Rockefeller died of AIDS, and that’s who you chose to name your center after?” (Bonus points for working in both sides of the Jay Z-Nas beef into a NYC tourist promotion) I also might have set the record for most times saying, “It’s the Roc,” if I already didn’t share that record with Floyd Banks during Luau 2005.
I wanted to go see Rockefeller Center in the morning but was over ruled because apparently tourists like to see Christmas trees at night. I wanted to sneak off to the crowd of The Today Show with my “FUCK YOU TIKI. WAY TO QUIT ON YOUR TEAMMATES” sign.
Besides that, just your normal trip to New York.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Monday Morning Hangover - Week 13
There will be no Hangover this week in honor of Sean Taylor, half-man, half beast.
In lieu of reading my dumbass comments, go to youtube now and search for video of him laying people out.
In lieu of reading my dumbass comments, go to youtube now and search for video of him laying people out.
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