NBA Preview - Western Conference

As promised, we’re back with the Western Conference preview of hilarity (even though it’s a week late). We’ll start in the least funny division of all, the Southwest:
Southwest
1. Hornets – 3.5
This is based purely on the 1% chance of them resigning Chris Andersen.

2. Grizzlies – 3
At first I was going to put them dead last in the NBA and just say that they’ll be a lot funnier come Christmas time when someone receives a Rudy Gay jersey from me. But then I remembered they signed Darko over the summer, so that automatically gave them 2 points.

3. Rockets - 3
They let go of Van Gundy who was always good for a decent quote or two. We’re now down to jokes about Yao’s favorite food being snakes and about Skip stabbing people.

4. Spurs – 2.5
Popovich will make a few snide remarks. Other than that, we can just laugh at how pussy whipped Tony Parker is. Also, at his French rap video.

5. Mavs - 2
Hey, Avery Johnson has a funny voice, let’s all do it! If this was a fun index, Dallas would be higher, because according to Avery, despite losing in the first round, Dallas fans had the most fun they’ve ever had.

Northwest
1. Sonics - 5
Based strictly on the Robert Swift Experience (that’s what I’m referring to it from now on). I can’t wait for it. He could LeBron the Sonics into the Finals based on his potential. I’ll put the Sonics in the middle of the pack…for now.

2. T’Wolves - 5
They have Antoine Walker jacking up threes to his hearts delight and Mark Madsen coming off the bench. I’m intrigued.

3. Nuggets – 4.5
I’m sure the way Melo ruins his All Star selection will be hilarious (running from a fight at MSG, getting caught with weed in a “friends” back pack, Stop Snitchin DVD). I’m prepared for anything at this point. Plus the ongoing battle between AI and K-Mart for lead in most tats.

4. Portland - 3.5
Greg Oden and his dog Charles Barkley McLovin would have put them as the division favorites. Hopefully his rehab will be entertaining. Instead, we’ll just have to rely on Darius Miles and his ridiculous car. Other than that, the Jailblazers have fallen hard.

5. Jazz - 2
Ummm…I got nothing. What about you?

Pacific
1. Warriors - 9.5
The Warriors take the lead in the toughest division in the NBA. The Warriors a favored here for not resting on their laurels this off season (I think that’s the first time that’s phrase has been used in an NBA preview). Stephen Jackson got a tat of hands in prayer…holding a gun. He’s praying he’ll never have to use his gun again. In a related not, Mr. Jackson is now a captain of this team. Matt Barnes got a few more tattoos. And Baron Davis started a book club (I’m not making this up either). With Nellie drinking Bud Lights at press conferences, the favorites this season.

2. Kings - 9
Ron Artest will still be Ron Artest. You cannot underestimate that man. Plus they have Reggie Theus coaching this year who apparently thinks he’s coaching a high school team and won’t allow his players to talk on cell phones on team buses and flights. I can see this ending well. I won’t make a Reggie appearing on “Hang Time” joke, but many others will. Plus they added SPENCER HAWES, who has a “God Bless George Bush” bumper sticker. Just a random bunch of people assembled. Hopefully, hilarity will ensue.

3. Lakers - 7
A large part of this is because of the fact that Luke Walton’s dad is named Bill. When there were rumors of Luke dating Britney Spears, I entertained myself for 2 hours thinking of words of fatherly wisdom from Bill about Ms. Spears. (examples: “Luke, that vag is horrrrrible.” “As the wise John Wooden once said to me, ‘Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool.’”) If I ever get stuck on a desert island, this is the game I’m going to play to keep me sane. Hopefully, Luke can find some other Hollywood starlet to be connected with so I can play this game again.

4. Suns - 4
If Amare gets hurt again, hopefully he can continue to wear his Brooklyn hipster outfits. Other than that, not too much going on here.

5. Clippers - 2.5
Between Shaun Livingston’s knee injury and Elton Brand’s Achilles, I just can’t make jokes. Chris Kaman jokes are still ok though.

1st Round of the Playoffs
Golden St. vs. Phoenix – Baron Davis wears a fedora with a bullet attached to it before Game 1 of this series. That’s all it takes. It’s over before they even take the court.
Sacramento vs. Denver – Sacramento is taken for all it can handle. K-Mart shows off his heart and “Bad Ass Yellow Boy” tat which inspires Denver. Ron Ron get suspended for a couple games for slapping Melo (he wasn’t worthy of a punch). In the end, Mike Bibby’s ridiculous leg tattoo is enough for the Kings to sneak by.
Seattle vs. T’Wolves – Robert Swift is a one man wrecking crew. He shuts down Walker on the perimeter and demands that speed metal bands get some time on the PA system. Kevin Durant laughs at Longhorn possessions where DJ Augustin has the ball for the entire 35 seconds.
Los Angeles vs. New Orleans – New Orleans is determined as a product of the Southwest division. The fact that the Lakers won’t trade Andrew freakin’ Bynum is hilarious enough.

2nd Round:
Golden St. vs. Seattle – Stephen Jackson laughs at Robert Swifts tattoos. Matt Barnes does too. This one is over before it begins.
Sacramento vs. Los Angeles – Unless Kobe’s wife runs into Karl Malone hunting for Mexicans the Lakers don’t have a chance. I’m guessing he’s holed up on a ranch somewhere, so Sacramento advances.

Conference Championship:
Golden St vs. Sacramento – The two powers of the Western Conference go at it in a classic. These two leave nothing on the floor. S-Jax starts doing the “shooter” thing that Shooter McGavin did in Happy Gilmore. Ron Artest drops a mixtape during the series. Reggie Theus does a “The More You Know” public service announcement denouncing Nellie’s Bud Lights during press conferences. Unless Ron Ron comes up with a heroic performance, I gotta go with the Book Club Warriors to the finals. I imagine this is the week the discuss Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War”. There’s no way that book isn’t part of their book club reading list.

NBA Championship:
Golden St. vs. New York – An epic match up between two different teams. One is hilarious and entertaining in a good way, the other in a bad way (sexual harassment suits are fun, but someone did have sex with Steph’s cousin in a truck). I’m forecasting another Knicks sex scandal at some point (most likely Z-Bo), which will catapult the Knicks to the championship. If they can trade David Lee at some point, it’s a lock (can you tell I want more playing time for him).

FYI…No Monday Morning Hangover this week (I know you were eagerly anticipating it, too). I was going to put up my thoughts while watching the Indy-NE game, but at halftime I realized they sucked. I made one fairly obvious joke about Aaron Moorehead’s last name. Insert your own punchline. I’ll save you 5 minutes of reading. I did want to note that McFadden and Felix Jones dressed up as Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble for Halloween and then went out and ran for 500+ yards against South Carolina.