Welcome to The Barney Show

So I imagine this should have been the first posting, the origins of this blog. But of course, I’m an idiot and decided to put 2700 words about Communist strippers up first. Any way, for those of you unfamiliar with The Barney Show it was a started in 2000 as a way to pass time on road trips and was somehow entertaining. But being on a bus that couldn’t go on the highway, I imagine anything short of a kidney punch could be considered mildly entertaining. We were also told that playing any more games of red light would result in our team being disbanded, so we had to find other ways to amuse ourselves without beating the living piss out of freshman. I, the show’s host, would start every “show” off by going, “Live from the back of the bus (later changed if we were on “location”), its The Barney Show.” The first time I did this, I realized I needed a theme song, and started humming “The Hustle” on the spot. So 3 seconds into this show someone should have realized that my ad-libbing might need work (Young Jeezy, I am not). Also, it’s worth noting that when I call it a “show”, I mean it in the loosest sense of the word. I was usually talking into a pen or possibly a plastic spoon. We had a budget of three sheets of paper on that show.
The show was a blatant rip off of David Letterman. There was my opening monologue, usually a guest (me talking to my idiot friend about something retarded), and several Top 7 Lists(I think this started because the first time I did it, I only had 7 lines that I thought were funny. Now that I look back, I’m surprised I had 7. That might be a record for me, though I’m sure in hindsight, not all of those would be funny). The Top 7 Lists were based on the stupid things that my friends and I did in high school. Every show had the same jokes, just in a different order. It lasted 15 minutes tops. The musical guest usually consisted of me singing (and badly I might add). And yet, what was once supposed to be a one time deal to basically make fun of someone for not scoring with this chick, some how evolved into a fairly regularly “show”.
The biggest obstacle I faced at the time was people who didn’t know how to make fun of themselves (an impartial observer would say that I did cross the line numerous times, so I deserved to be called an asshole). I tried to tone it down one time to attract a broader audience (read a chick with a nice ass), but that show was a disaster and the girl didn’t like the show. So I vowed never to do it again in front of her and made her promiscuity a running joke throughout the rest of the show. You mess with the bull, you get the horns (and that’s the best I could do to end that paragraph. Let’s get it out there right away that I’m not an English major. I took engineering courses so I wouldn’t have to write. This blog thing is going to be a disaster, don’t ever doubt that.)
After I graduated high school, I still did shows from time to time. The same jokes were still made, but since I only did like one a year, it seemed some what funnier because the audience (3 of my idiot friends) hadn’t heard it in awhile. I think the highlight of this period was writing a show while we visited someone’s girlfriend’s house at Sea Isle City, NJ, when the girl was convinced I was outside doing coke. This night ended with me passing out with steak knives next to me because I was convinced the entire town was possessed by a demon or something, so she might have been right. Cocaine is a hell of a drug. It was a decent show, even though I was too plastered to remember much else besides the pure evil that that town had.
So with that illustrious history behind us, we’re now into the 21st century Barney Show, blog style. Apparently, the internet is on computers now as well. The idea for this came from one of my friends, who thought it would be a good idea to start a blog. I think it was a nice way of telling me, “Stop sending me retarded e-mails about random things you saw in Texas. You’re clogging my inbox. Put it on a website and I’ll check it when I feel like (and by that I really mean never).” We’ll see how this works out, but it can’t be worse than talking into a pen for cheap laughs.