Chasin' the Ponies in WVa

So a couple weeks ago my friend from work, Doh Boy, tells me his birthday in next weekend and he’s planning a day of golf followed by some horse racing at night. He follows this up with a question, “You ever go to the track?” I try to play dumb for a bit and answer, “Ummmm….yeah, I’ve gambled on the ponies before.” It’s kind of like David Hassellhoff’s daughters saying, “ummm….yeah, I know a little bit about drinking,” while visions of their dad passed out on the floor dance in their heads. If you’ve been in an OTB at age 6, you’re kind of exposed to that thing at a young age. My dad used to take me and my brother to both OTB and Belmont all the time. The main advantage to going to Belmont was that we each got $2 a race to bet. At OTB, we just had to walk around, watch the race, and hope we didn’t get lung cancer in the 20 minutes we were in there. So I was significantly intrigued to find out there was a horse track near by enough to go gamble a bit…in West Virginia.

Before we get into the whole WVA thing, I gotta say, working with someone who calls himself Doh Boy would be a lot more fun if I worked with my friends. He could have his own theme song: “I stay, Doh Boy, Doh, Doh, Doh Boy fresh…” (I’ve been watching too much HollyHood lately). We also could make random Boyz N The Hood references too. We’d probably get fired by demanding that he say, “Ho’s gotta eat too.” So much fun that goes to waste by my co-workers lack of knowledge of Three 6 Mafia and John Singleton movies. Since I’m writing this at 8 pm on my way home from an 11 hour day in a shirt and tie, I probably should have expected this though. For the record though, Doh is part of his name, so that’s where it comes from.

So off I am to the land of Jason Williams, Randy Moss and Kevin Pittsnogle. White Chocolate and Moss immortalized their hometown in one of my favorite Nike ads where they show old high school clips with the “Just some good ol’ boys” song playing. Why no one has done a documentary on these two in high school is beyond me. It might be the most interesting/revealing/hilarious hour ever put on film. What are the freakin odds that two of the entertaining athletes and biggest head cases grew up in some bum fuck town the same year? It boggles my mind. As for Pittsnogle, he became a hero to me when he revealed that Domino’s pizza was served at his wedding and a karaoke machine doubled as the entertainment. That my friends, is country. Plus the fact that he played on one of the most entertaining college teams in my lifetime doesn’t hurt either.

My first instinct when I cross the border is to check the radio. The first two songs I hear are hip hop. I go through the entire airwaves without hearing any banjo music. I’m surprised already.

I’m not surprised when I see my West Virginian. He’s wearing a wife beater to go into a diner while carrying a small child. Just picture Cletus and you know what I mean. Also, there are several shacks here. They’re just right next to really nice houses. This might be the upscale part of West Virginia. But I’m pretty sure I could ask the price of those nice houses and $200K would be a good estimate. I gotta get out of the city. My entire price range for houses has been skewed tremendously.

I arrive at the track at 7:15. Doh Boy is supposed to be there at 7:30 with some of his friends. He shows up at 9. Not that that bothered me. I was happy to drink beers and gamble by myself. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
The good news is I won the first race. That’s always good because it feels like I’m playing with house money the rest of the night. The next race featured a horse named “Out of the Trap.” I took this as a sign and decided that I needed to wager heavily on this horse on the off chance that it was owned by Young Jeezy or TI. Plus the fact that I’d have a fine selection of celebratory music if I hit it big had an influence on this selection. Alas, it was not to be. Out of the Trap finished out of the money. (I think that’s the first time in the history of the English language that “Alas, it was not to be,” was in the same paragraph as Young Jeezy. We break new ground every day here at The Barney Show.)

So after Doh Boy shows up is the real reason I ended up coming to this place. The track had this offer where for $70, you could name a race, meet the winning owner and jockey and give them a trophy. That might be the best deal ever. After getting stuck on an e-mail chain with him and his buddies debated the name of the race with inside jokes galore (and me on the outside), the settled on NBG’s 3rd Annual Ride to Save Friartucks. This would be hilarious if I knew the back story. I eventually got it out of him. Friartucks was a gay bar where they all went to college. Doh Boy while highly inebriated one night decided to take a bike ride by Friartucks…completely naked (NBG = Naked Bike Guy). NBG topped this off by smacking his ass out front and yelling “Hey, want some of this?” and riding away. Just a tremendous college story. Also, there was no 1st or 2nd annual running of this. They just went right to the third.

So as I mentioned before, we got to meet the winning owner. All of us have a beer in our hands. Doh Boy goes up to the guy and hands him the trophy, and says, “Congratulations on winning the 3rd Annual Ride to Save Friartucks.” The owner turns dead serious, thinking we’re actually trying to save something and says something along the lines of, “It’s a great honor.” Also the owner showed up wearing beaten up sneakers and a West Virginia NIT Champs t-shirt. Apparently, everyday isn’t the Kentucky Derby for owner. Or maybe that’s West Virginia owners. How I didn’t check if the t-shirt was the one with Virginia misspelled that they gave to the players on the court is beyond me. I’ve been kicking myself for days now.

On the way home, I stop at a local 7 Eleven for some water for the ride home. As I’m at the counter, I notice the magazine rack…with The Economist and Time. Maybe I’m wrong on this, but do people from West Virginia really make impulse buys of these two magazines? I would be surprised to have them in the store at all, never mind right at the cash register. I’d think it would be something like Guns & Ammo, but what do I know.