NBA Draft Preview

The NBA Draft night used to be my favorite night of the year. Three things changed to move it down to my second or possibly third favorite:
1. I became an alcoholic. Irish Day is now in the # 1 spot.
2. Sports Guy’s NBA Draft running diaries completely changed it for me. I’m not as much worried as who goes where as who wears what and if Stuart Scott says Booyah. Not that this is any less entertaining, its just different and doesn’t feel as right. Plus, I’m looking forward more to the article the following day than anything else, so that the day after the draft has moved up the ranks.
3. Tonight marks the two year anniversary of the Phone Call. Yep, that’s right, the one that started with a long pause and then, “…I’m pregnant.” She didn’t even have the common courtesy to wait until after at least the first round was done (joking). Now, the result of that call has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but that was a pretty awkward/traumatic night. It wasn’t the George Castanza “My boys can swim” type of reaction. In fact, I had to get off the phone, give myself a few minutes to realize what happened (and chug a bunch of Jack, John Belushi style) and then call her back. Anyway, it changed the way I look at draft night a bit.
But it’s still an entertaining as hell night.
While the so called draft experts compare players to other players, I go a different route (would you expect anything less from me). Back in 2003, I compared the top prospects to female celebrities. I said Lebron was like the Olsen twins (In that the anticipation for them going pro/turning 18 was unprecedented. Not in terms of talent/skills). Melo was Lindsay Lohan in that they both had astronomical rises is a year to the point that people were making the case that they should be #1. Looking back, I pretty much nailed that one. Both have shown talent and a propensity for dumb ass decisions.
So now I’ll break down Oden/Durant celebrity style (and yes I know Chad Ford made the girlfriend comparisons yesterday. I doubt he spent as much time working out the details as I have). For comparison purposes, we have to assume that personality does not factor in, this is strictly in hedonistic terms.
Greg Oden is Britney Spears. Now this is Britney in 2002-2003 range when she was considered sane and still hot (when she was in Esquire wearing just a sweater is the ideal timeframe). Both Mr. Oden and Ms. Spears are what we’ve been told is exactly what we’re looking for physically in a classic sense. Oden’s the dominant 7 footer that anchors championship teams. Britney had the blond bombshell/Marilyn Monroe/Barbie doll thing going for her. Both have untapped potential. Britney was a virgin/only slept with Justin Timberlake so there could teach her. Same with Oden in that his offensive game can only get better. Now even if they just turn out to be average in those departments, it’s still incredible because of the physical skills. Normal sex gets improved because it’s Britney freakin Spears, same as if Oden develops a jump shot he’ll be pretty much unstoppable because of he’s a 7 footer with agility. But if they turn out to excel at those things, its pretty much everything you could want in a girlfriend/player.
Durant on the other hand, is Angelina Jolie. While not quite the physical specimen, there’s that thing that you can’t teach that lifts the ceiling on where the relationship/career can go. Durant’s raw talent = Jolie’s raw sexuality. Just as you can’t put a price on having a guy with a 7’5” wingspan with NBA 3 point range, you can’t put a price on random women saying about your girlfriend, “I’m not lesbian, but I would sleep with her and only her.” I really can’t imagine what the limit would be on what could happen with either of them. Durant’s 27 point first half at Kansas = having sex in the limo on the way over to award shows.
Finally, I’d be letting you the reader down if I didn’t talk about the one thing that might shift the balance in your decision. Oden at the predraft combine = Britney’s quickie wedding. Now this depends on your aversion to risk. On one hand, you find out that one leg is longer than the other which raises the injury risk. On the other, you have the revelation that Greg was the second best athlete in the draft and he’s 7 feet which raises his upside potential. In Britney’s case, you realize that she might be crazier than you thought. But if you talk yourself into that it was just a youthful mistake, you realize that Jason Alexander was allegedly getting dome action that whole time in Vegas so this raises her tremendous upside potential (I remember reading that he got it in the shower and for awhile I was trying to push the term “getting a Britney” for that sexual act. Unfortunately, no one I knew ever got that so it fell by the wayside. The fact that I remember these details four years later tells you how impressed I was by it).
So there you have it, a sane Britney Spears or Angelina Jolie. Tough decision for any man, but there are no losers with that choice. Unless a Kevin Federline comes into the equation. And it’s quite possible that I wrote this entire episode to be the first to compare K Fed to Zach Randolph (once again blazing new territory here on the Barney Show).