Man, I really haven’t written anything in awhile. Guess that’s what happens when you spend all your time working. Not only do you not have time, you’re not doing anything exciting. Lucky for me though, LA continues to attend sporting events with her press pass, so I’ve been getting some good stuff to share with you. She’s now covering WNBA games, which I find hilarious. Even more hilarious was when she got hit on at her first game by a female reporter. Anyway, that was just the warm up in getting hit on. She covered another game this week. She sent me a text message saying Andray Blatche was at the game. A little background on Andray in case you don’t know your NBA backup big men very well. He sat out his first NBA season because of a gunshot wound. He was arrested last summer for soliciting a prostitute in Dupont freakin’ Circle (Not the gulliest of places. Whatever happened to use of the word “gully” anyway? Someone get Star and Bucwild on the phone). And he was arrested earlier this week for a DUI.
First, I was confused because why would an NBA player with loads of disposable income spend a Wednesday night at a WNBA game. You literally walk out of the Verizon Center and there is a bar greeting you. And besides, it’s not Jay Z in concert, it’s the WNBA. I’d rather be at work than watch that. But then I remembered there’s a practice facility in the arena, so maybe Andray was trying to avoid a second duey and was getting some jumpers up. It’s reasonable enough that I’ll let going to a WNBA game slide.
Now when I originally found out LA had a press pass, I was pissed that I finally knew someone with NBA access and they were female. I had a much better chance of getting into an arena after I steal a press pass and leave them in a ditch if it’s a guy. Now I’m reconsidering. Because now, I get to see how NBA players react around white girls. And that allows easy jokes (See the Lebron story last month. I’m not sure if I told this one, but apparently Kobe would not look at her. I’ll let you write the joke here but it led to me telling LA to not take it personal and that this was a policy I highly recommend Kobe continue.) This story takes you into the pick up lines of an NBA player.
I’ll set the scene. Andray is slouching on a couch in the press room, eating a bag of popcorn. He has his posse surrounding him which includes someone who looks like a transvestite. He sees LA and goes, “Baby girl, whatchu getting into later?” I can only imagine what went through her head at that moment. Here you have someone who you know has probably banged a prostitute hitting on you. Do you make a joke about it? Ask if money will be exchanged? Hold out for a Wizard who gets more playing time? (She wants to get with Deshawn Stevenson. I would probably laugh for a week if that happened. Would you call him “underrated”? How’s the tat with his number on his back going? Could you still see the mark from where Lebron whooped his ass? Did he do the “I can’t feel my face” move? Though I personally am hoping for Caron Butler just so I can ask, “So, how tough was his juice?” Though there is no way possible I could ask that with a straight face.)
LA went with the “Sorry, I have a story to write.” I booed her (literally) after hearing this, but took it back when she told me her editor was with her. As much fun as it would be to have someone I know get into an argument with an NBA player, I wouldn’t like not having my best NBA source lose their access (And yes, The Barney Show has sources, plural. That’s what being the only fraternity at a tech school that has had a NBA player get into a brawl at gets you. And that’s how I know that Kobe’s act with SAS was pure BS and he hates Jordan. He didn’t take 24 for nothing. This source loses his access because he gets suspended by the team.)
God bless the NBA’s new marketing campaign. Because it makes jokes so easy. 20 seconds to get as many “Where…happens” jokes in. Ready. Set. Go.
The NBA where…kicking game while eating popcorn happens….Baby girl happens….wondering if someone will pay you to have sex happens…transvestite posses happens…and time.
All new Texas Toast coming soon…
Monday, June 16, 2008
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
Top 7 Drunk Songs
We’re about to embark on the most ambitious Top 7 list I’ve ever made. Ok, here’s the scenario: You’re at a bar/club. It’s 2 in the morning and you’re at the point where you’re drunk, but not completely bombed. In short, you’re on the alcohol high that is so hard to get just right. What song do you want to hear being played at this very minute? To limit this somewhat, I’m set the rules to this: Only one song by an artist or group and it has to have been released as a single. One, to limit it, two, because I want to youtube link to each video. You might disagree with me (in fact, I’m pretty sure you will), but fuck it, this is my blog and I’ll write whatever I want. Let’s start off with the Top 7 that didn’t make the list:
Honorable Mention (in no particular order)
2pac, “California Love”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWOsbGP5Ox4
Montell Jordan, “This is How We Do It”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhwjAaDKFRU
Snoop Doggy Dog, “What’s My Name?” – Put this on and set the over/under on number of people I say, “You don’t love me, you just love my doggy style,” to at 3.5.
Petey Pablo, “Raise Up” – Even better if girls take their shirts off and spin it around their head like a helicopter. Ok, if the right girls do it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-26bRZEedZg
Trick Daddy, “Let’s Go” – Official song of the 2004 Yankees collapse. Not only do you get to hear Lil’ Jon interpret Ozzie Osbourne, I also get to reminisce about “Jeter Sucks, A-Rod Swallows” jokes. I have to be the only person who gets choked up on Lil Jon and Trick Daddy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZZbTu0yfEY
Big Pun, “Still Not a Player” – Getting to tell a girl, “You couldn’t measure my dick with six rulers” beats any negatives from getting a mental picture of Big Pun’s gut while sitting on the motorcycle in the video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwEqTbaFVXU
And now we get to the actual Top 7. Some of the things that factored in to making this prestigious list were beat, misogynistic lyrics, and surprisingly, a good intro. Without further ado, let’s start.
7. Jay-Z, “I Just Wanna (Love You)”
It was tough to pick the one song from Hov I’d like to hear, but in the end I chose this one. The lyrics put this one over the top: “When the Remy’s in the system…” “Ma, but you gotta ride nice dick…” and “Bublin’ in Dublin”. All statements I want to be saying at 2 am. Probably Jay’s most fun lyrics, unless you can sing “Is That Your Chick?” to a guy whose girlfriend you’re banging.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHOK0QLEQYM
6. Noreaga, “Superthug”
The simplest chorus ever made the list. Why? Because the beat is ridulous. I would love to hear Pharell going, “You found Manuel Noreaga? In the Philippines?” then wait for the beat to kick in and just go bananas. The only song on this list that would result in me being in a mosh pit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkdEimUipqw
5. Biggie, “Hypnotize”
Same issue we had with Jay. Ultimately, the chorus put it over the top of because I can just substitute “Biggie” with “Barney” and make some ridiculous statement. This would also be on the list of worst songs to hear at 4 am to hear because it might result in me driving a car backwards on an interstate looking for Hummer’s chasing me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_S1fUyW6riE
4. Three 6 Mafia, “Poppin’ My Collar”
The first time I heard this song I was in love with it. And what would a best drunken songs list be without the Triple Six? This song will always be connected to a weekend at Bucknell when this was just starting to get popular. The only downside to this is if your at a bar with people who already have their collars popped. But then I doubt you’re having fun or that they play this song. And you deserve whatever fate you get. When’s season 2 of Hollyhood start?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wfYrf3ZlPY
3. Juvenile, “Back That Azz Up”
Do I need to say anything more? Ok, I will. Just hearing the intro drop gets you going. You hear that simple string beat going and you get hyped for the madness that’s about to ensue. Bonus points for the manic depressiveness of having Manny Fresh follow Juvenile. The most misogynistic lyrics on this list by far. And if you have the right girls at 2 am, this can be a great song to just sit back and watch to.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WL2txMU50CI
2. Dr Dre, “Last Episode”
Just an incredible beat. I’ll contend that you could just put Chronic 2001 on and have a good party, but this is my favorite (if only that had put the intro to track 12 on this beat). It probably would have been # 5 or 6 but Nate Dogg wraps everything up with, “Smoke weed everyday.” Also, watching the video makes me want to party at 8:45 on a Sunday morning.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsY3dEpgLgk
1. DJ Kool, “Let Me Clear My Throat”
You might be considering this a huge upset, and to be honest, I would have to agree with you. This comes out of nowhere. But let me ask you this. Have you ever been out and this song comes on? In-fucking-credible. I was out one time and this came on, and it was the most fun 4 minutes I think I’ve had since I was like 8 and could be entertained by things while sober. If you’re like me, you start of with the intro and think, “Oh, that’s cool, it’s the Ma$e song where he’s in a shiny suit outside a casino. I’m glad I’m not watching the video because I might be blinded.” Then its, “Ohhhhh, noo, it’s “Let Me Clear My Throat”. I haven’t heard this in forever. This was my shit back in the day.” And then you just roll with it for however long the song is. I don’t even remember where I was when this came on, I just remembered the other day how much fun that moment was, and I did my most in-depth Top 7 yet because of it. So if that’s not # 1, I don’t know what else can top it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqfCluBH3qY
I know I’m probably forgetting something. But hey, that’s the quality of writing you get from someone with multiple concussions.
Honorable Mention (in no particular order)
2pac, “California Love”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWOsbGP5Ox4
Montell Jordan, “This is How We Do It”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhwjAaDKFRU
Snoop Doggy Dog, “What’s My Name?” – Put this on and set the over/under on number of people I say, “You don’t love me, you just love my doggy style,” to at 3.5.
Petey Pablo, “Raise Up” – Even better if girls take their shirts off and spin it around their head like a helicopter. Ok, if the right girls do it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-26bRZEedZg
Trick Daddy, “Let’s Go” – Official song of the 2004 Yankees collapse. Not only do you get to hear Lil’ Jon interpret Ozzie Osbourne, I also get to reminisce about “Jeter Sucks, A-Rod Swallows” jokes. I have to be the only person who gets choked up on Lil Jon and Trick Daddy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZZbTu0yfEY
Big Pun, “Still Not a Player” – Getting to tell a girl, “You couldn’t measure my dick with six rulers” beats any negatives from getting a mental picture of Big Pun’s gut while sitting on the motorcycle in the video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwEqTbaFVXU
And now we get to the actual Top 7. Some of the things that factored in to making this prestigious list were beat, misogynistic lyrics, and surprisingly, a good intro. Without further ado, let’s start.
7. Jay-Z, “I Just Wanna (Love You)”
It was tough to pick the one song from Hov I’d like to hear, but in the end I chose this one. The lyrics put this one over the top: “When the Remy’s in the system…” “Ma, but you gotta ride nice dick…” and “Bublin’ in Dublin”. All statements I want to be saying at 2 am. Probably Jay’s most fun lyrics, unless you can sing “Is That Your Chick?” to a guy whose girlfriend you’re banging.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHOK0QLEQYM
6. Noreaga, “Superthug”
The simplest chorus ever made the list. Why? Because the beat is ridulous. I would love to hear Pharell going, “You found Manuel Noreaga? In the Philippines?” then wait for the beat to kick in and just go bananas. The only song on this list that would result in me being in a mosh pit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkdEimUipqw
5. Biggie, “Hypnotize”
Same issue we had with Jay. Ultimately, the chorus put it over the top of because I can just substitute “Biggie” with “Barney” and make some ridiculous statement. This would also be on the list of worst songs to hear at 4 am to hear because it might result in me driving a car backwards on an interstate looking for Hummer’s chasing me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_S1fUyW6riE
4. Three 6 Mafia, “Poppin’ My Collar”
The first time I heard this song I was in love with it. And what would a best drunken songs list be without the Triple Six? This song will always be connected to a weekend at Bucknell when this was just starting to get popular. The only downside to this is if your at a bar with people who already have their collars popped. But then I doubt you’re having fun or that they play this song. And you deserve whatever fate you get. When’s season 2 of Hollyhood start?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wfYrf3ZlPY
3. Juvenile, “Back That Azz Up”
Do I need to say anything more? Ok, I will. Just hearing the intro drop gets you going. You hear that simple string beat going and you get hyped for the madness that’s about to ensue. Bonus points for the manic depressiveness of having Manny Fresh follow Juvenile. The most misogynistic lyrics on this list by far. And if you have the right girls at 2 am, this can be a great song to just sit back and watch to.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WL2txMU50CI
2. Dr Dre, “Last Episode”
Just an incredible beat. I’ll contend that you could just put Chronic 2001 on and have a good party, but this is my favorite (if only that had put the intro to track 12 on this beat). It probably would have been # 5 or 6 but Nate Dogg wraps everything up with, “Smoke weed everyday.” Also, watching the video makes me want to party at 8:45 on a Sunday morning.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsY3dEpgLgk
1. DJ Kool, “Let Me Clear My Throat”
You might be considering this a huge upset, and to be honest, I would have to agree with you. This comes out of nowhere. But let me ask you this. Have you ever been out and this song comes on? In-fucking-credible. I was out one time and this came on, and it was the most fun 4 minutes I think I’ve had since I was like 8 and could be entertained by things while sober. If you’re like me, you start of with the intro and think, “Oh, that’s cool, it’s the Ma$e song where he’s in a shiny suit outside a casino. I’m glad I’m not watching the video because I might be blinded.” Then its, “Ohhhhh, noo, it’s “Let Me Clear My Throat”. I haven’t heard this in forever. This was my shit back in the day.” And then you just roll with it for however long the song is. I don’t even remember where I was when this came on, I just remembered the other day how much fun that moment was, and I did my most in-depth Top 7 yet because of it. So if that’s not # 1, I don’t know what else can top it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqfCluBH3qY
I know I’m probably forgetting something. But hey, that’s the quality of writing you get from someone with multiple concussions.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
NBA Questions
We’re halfway through the Conference Finals and I really have had no comments about the NBA Playoffs. For shame. Anyway, I’ve got questions, maybe you have answers (Just a horrible, horrible segue. I should be taken out back and euthanized Eight Belles style. Too soon?)
Did Ben Wallace really sit out a game because of allergies? Does this replace the Scottie Pippen migraine game as most bitch ass playoff injury? I’d say no, only because Pippen’s was a game 7. But it’s close.
Do the Spurs even have a weight room? They have to be the least defined team in the league by far. I seem to remember Finley being cut back in his Dallas days and now he’s got arms that look like mine (except black). Bowen might be the closest they have to being cut, but he does yoga. That doesn’t mean he got it from the Spurs gym
Can you imagine Ronni Turiaf in Hollywood? Does he chest bump the salesman if he gets a good deal? Scream out, “Yeah, motherfucker” when a bouncer lets him in the club? Try and encourage the guy working the grill at In N Out Burger for an extra good meal? You know you’re enthusiastic when TNT mikes you and you only play 6-10 minutes a game.
Was anyone else really hoping Joakim Noah had Purple Drank in his cup? Though that might make me like him if he was caught with that. I’m already conflicted enough that he was drinking Henn Rock (allegedly). I was thinking he would be more of an Alize guy.
Was I the only one who didn’t think Big Shot did anything to David West? From my perspective, it looks like Horry was about to set a solid back screen and David West just jumped to contest a pass at the wrong time.
Did anyone else see the cross promotion during the Lakers-Jazz game with High School High? Specifically with Vanessa Hudgens, who had naked photos of her leak on the internet? I’m not a big fan of this ABC cross promotion stuff (to say the least), but if you’re going to promote someone that I can easily picture naked, I’ll support it. I’ll be honest, when I’m at the gym and her video comes on the tv, I’m watching it.
Is it me or is every game a 15 point blow out?
Is reneging on your Vegas spots the new crime for 2008? With Chuck and Pacman doing it already, I’d say yes.
Is it me or am I the only one who thinks Marv Albert gets excited to say Vujacic?
Wait, Atlanta has a WNBA team? Is it because they were able to attract so many fans for their NBA team? This would be a favorite in the Dumbest NBA Move of the Year if the Gasol trade hadn’t happened.
Is hiring Damon Jones as an analyst the best or worst thing a producer could do? I’m completely confused by this hiring. All I know is that he’s taking airtime from Jalen Rose.
Did Ben Wallace really sit out a game because of allergies? Does this replace the Scottie Pippen migraine game as most bitch ass playoff injury? I’d say no, only because Pippen’s was a game 7. But it’s close.
Do the Spurs even have a weight room? They have to be the least defined team in the league by far. I seem to remember Finley being cut back in his Dallas days and now he’s got arms that look like mine (except black). Bowen might be the closest they have to being cut, but he does yoga. That doesn’t mean he got it from the Spurs gym
Can you imagine Ronni Turiaf in Hollywood? Does he chest bump the salesman if he gets a good deal? Scream out, “Yeah, motherfucker” when a bouncer lets him in the club? Try and encourage the guy working the grill at In N Out Burger for an extra good meal? You know you’re enthusiastic when TNT mikes you and you only play 6-10 minutes a game.
Was anyone else really hoping Joakim Noah had Purple Drank in his cup? Though that might make me like him if he was caught with that. I’m already conflicted enough that he was drinking Henn Rock (allegedly). I was thinking he would be more of an Alize guy.
Was I the only one who didn’t think Big Shot did anything to David West? From my perspective, it looks like Horry was about to set a solid back screen and David West just jumped to contest a pass at the wrong time.
Did anyone else see the cross promotion during the Lakers-Jazz game with High School High? Specifically with Vanessa Hudgens, who had naked photos of her leak on the internet? I’m not a big fan of this ABC cross promotion stuff (to say the least), but if you’re going to promote someone that I can easily picture naked, I’ll support it. I’ll be honest, when I’m at the gym and her video comes on the tv, I’m watching it.
Is it me or is every game a 15 point blow out?
Is reneging on your Vegas spots the new crime for 2008? With Chuck and Pacman doing it already, I’d say yes.
Is it me or am I the only one who thinks Marv Albert gets excited to say Vujacic?
Wait, Atlanta has a WNBA team? Is it because they were able to attract so many fans for their NBA team? This would be a favorite in the Dumbest NBA Move of the Year if the Gasol trade hadn’t happened.
Is hiring Damon Jones as an analyst the best or worst thing a producer could do? I’m completely confused by this hiring. All I know is that he’s taking airtime from Jalen Rose.
I'm Back
Wow, it has been awhile since I put an episode up. Working 12 hour days and deciding to get back in shape at the same time is not conducive to blogging (who knew?). Anyway, part of the reason is that I went to New York again, this time to spend some time with my daughter. Here are the notes.
In the last Top 7, I mentioned that my parent’s house only has the option for hot water. Well, that’s been fixed. They put a handle on the cold water spout, so you can have cold water. Unfortunately, for some reason, you now get brown water coming out. It was so brown that even my 2 year old was able to notice.
In other things in my parent’s house that need to be fixed, my daughter was confused as to why our front door wouldn’t close. Being that she’s borderline OCD, she needed to have this door shut, but couldn’t do it. She was getting very frustrated. I don’t think she’s ever seen a door that doesn’t shut. I guess this is the next project my parent’s will take on the week before my kid comes to town (I’m convinced this is the only reason they’re making any improvements to the house).
So on Saturday, we went to Belmont with my dad (he was lobbying hard for the track and I didn’t have the heart to tell him no). Of course my luck intercedes, and the first race I’m at, a horse literally collapses 10 yards after the finish line. You immediately know this horse will not be alive an hour from now and you’re just hoping the jockey’s ok. Convinced I traumatized my daughter for life, we leave right after this (But not before we got to see the horse ambulance crash into the people ambulance. You have to laugh at that. People even cheered when this happened.). As soon as we exit (and I mean as soon as we exit) she starts asking where the horses went. She then proceeds to continuously tell me that, “Horsey fall down.” Being that she was two, I was able to convince her that the horse just had a “boo-boo” like the one she had on her knee and that it was all fixed with a “giant horsey band-aid”. Nothing like outright lying to your children.
In the “I Never Thought I Would See the Day This Happened” department, at 9:25 EST on Friday, May 23rd, I listened to Three 6 Mafia with my dad for the first time. It was during Tarver’s fight intro in “Rocky Balboa.” For the record, their chorus went something along the lines of “Bust a motherfucker” or “Bust his ass in the head”. A true Triple Six song if there was one. There was no visible reaction from my dad. (Now I have Three 6 in my head: “I come from a city where they love to hate, ‘specially on the Triple 6…” Gotta go. Someone's testing my gangta)
In the last Top 7, I mentioned that my parent’s house only has the option for hot water. Well, that’s been fixed. They put a handle on the cold water spout, so you can have cold water. Unfortunately, for some reason, you now get brown water coming out. It was so brown that even my 2 year old was able to notice.
In other things in my parent’s house that need to be fixed, my daughter was confused as to why our front door wouldn’t close. Being that she’s borderline OCD, she needed to have this door shut, but couldn’t do it. She was getting very frustrated. I don’t think she’s ever seen a door that doesn’t shut. I guess this is the next project my parent’s will take on the week before my kid comes to town (I’m convinced this is the only reason they’re making any improvements to the house).
So on Saturday, we went to Belmont with my dad (he was lobbying hard for the track and I didn’t have the heart to tell him no). Of course my luck intercedes, and the first race I’m at, a horse literally collapses 10 yards after the finish line. You immediately know this horse will not be alive an hour from now and you’re just hoping the jockey’s ok. Convinced I traumatized my daughter for life, we leave right after this (But not before we got to see the horse ambulance crash into the people ambulance. You have to laugh at that. People even cheered when this happened.). As soon as we exit (and I mean as soon as we exit) she starts asking where the horses went. She then proceeds to continuously tell me that, “Horsey fall down.” Being that she was two, I was able to convince her that the horse just had a “boo-boo” like the one she had on her knee and that it was all fixed with a “giant horsey band-aid”. Nothing like outright lying to your children.
In the “I Never Thought I Would See the Day This Happened” department, at 9:25 EST on Friday, May 23rd, I listened to Three 6 Mafia with my dad for the first time. It was during Tarver’s fight intro in “Rocky Balboa.” For the record, their chorus went something along the lines of “Bust a motherfucker” or “Bust his ass in the head”. A true Triple Six song if there was one. There was no visible reaction from my dad. (Now I have Three 6 in my head: “I come from a city where they love to hate, ‘specially on the Triple 6…” Gotta go. Someone's testing my gangta)
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Hubie Brown Summarizes my Friday Night
Ok, now, you’re Barney. You haven’t been out in more than 3 weeks. Before Friday night, you’ve gone 5 days without having a drink. So you’re tremendously excited to be going out to Happy Hour on Friday, and this night has the potential for a tremendous upside. Add to that, the fact that this bar is home to West Virginia fans during football season, and at the very least, Barney can make Pacman Jones or Chris Henry jokes. You start off with $2 Miller Lites. Now, this isn’t your beer of choice, but it’s such a good deal, you have to take it. You also order some of those mini-burgers. This was your first mistake because you didn’t realize how greasy they were. And you weren’t paying attention, and the next thing you know, there’s grease on your shirt and pants. That’s not the way you want to start your night if you hope to get laid.
The next mistake Barney made was that he decided to get into a chugging contest, which is not his forte. Barney should be sticking to shots, that’s his bread and butter. It’s like a team trying to run with Golden State. You get lulled into thinking you can run with them because you’re a competitive individual. The next thing you know, its 128-118 and you’re realizing you’ll need to score 140 to win this thing. Anyway, back to Barney’s second mistake, which was getting into a Jaeger bomb chugging contest. While Barney’s a great drinker, speed is not his strength. The longer Barney can string out a drinking contest, the better he will be because he has no regard for the effects this will have on him the next day. He needs to slow the tempo down because he can out execute teams in the half court.
Now you’re Barney. You just lost the drinking contest. What do you do? Calling the contest “horseshit” was not the most graceful way of dealing with the loss. Sitting by yourself for the next hour in front of the television and refusing to talk to the person that beat you? Also not the way you should have handled it. But on the upside, you did get to watch the first half of the Lakers-Jazz game, which feature me, Hubie Brown, announcing. What you did not want to do was tell people to “Go Fuck Yourself” upon leaving the bar.
My advice for Barney for next season, is to get speed in this year’s draft. You have to get quicker if you’re going to contend for the drinking title next year. Draft someone with quickness that has a tremendous upside potential. You also have to mature. I love the intensity he brings to the bar, but you’re 25 years old now. You should not be acting like you’re 5 when you lose.
The next mistake Barney made was that he decided to get into a chugging contest, which is not his forte. Barney should be sticking to shots, that’s his bread and butter. It’s like a team trying to run with Golden State. You get lulled into thinking you can run with them because you’re a competitive individual. The next thing you know, its 128-118 and you’re realizing you’ll need to score 140 to win this thing. Anyway, back to Barney’s second mistake, which was getting into a Jaeger bomb chugging contest. While Barney’s a great drinker, speed is not his strength. The longer Barney can string out a drinking contest, the better he will be because he has no regard for the effects this will have on him the next day. He needs to slow the tempo down because he can out execute teams in the half court.
Now you’re Barney. You just lost the drinking contest. What do you do? Calling the contest “horseshit” was not the most graceful way of dealing with the loss. Sitting by yourself for the next hour in front of the television and refusing to talk to the person that beat you? Also not the way you should have handled it. But on the upside, you did get to watch the first half of the Lakers-Jazz game, which feature me, Hubie Brown, announcing. What you did not want to do was tell people to “Go Fuck Yourself” upon leaving the bar.
My advice for Barney for next season, is to get speed in this year’s draft. You have to get quicker if you’re going to contend for the drinking title next year. Draft someone with quickness that has a tremendous upside potential. You also have to mature. I love the intensity he brings to the bar, but you’re 25 years old now. You should not be acting like you’re 5 when you lose.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Top 7
I spent this weekend at home, visiting my mom for Mother’s Day. I forgot all the things I miss about home. So without further ado, I now present the Top 7 things I missed about being back in my parent’s house:
7. The ability to test my parallel parking skills on a daily basis. I’ll admit, they have been falling off recently. If only I had driven up on Friday night, I would have had a true test to see my ability. However, this would have been two miles from my house, and so I decided to wait until the next day to make my trip. The two feet I got on both sides Saturday afternoon was child’s play.
6. Having a coke dealer across the street. Contrary to the jokes I make, I have never done coke. But there’s something comforting about knowing if I wanted to, there’s a supplier across the street. I miss that sometimes, the comfort factor.
5. An OCD complex for dinner. The fact that I came home on a Saturday meant that I might have the nerve to ask for something different for dinner than cheeseburgers. This would throw my dad’s whole week off. Thankfully order was restored when I confirmed that I do enjoy cheeseburgers.
4. Belmont Paraphernalia. You know what I miss? The class that having flowers in a glass that says “Belmont Park” brings to a living room. I miss having clothing emblazoned with the Belmont logo.
3. Showers with one temperature fits all. Oh, so you just got back from a run and want a cold shower? Too bad. All we got is hot. You’re trying to give a 2 year old a bath? Too bad, pour in some cold water from the sink.
2. My Cousin Vinny. Going home means having to give up remote navigation privileges to my dad. And I don’t think he has ever come across My Cousin Vinny and not stopped and watched that movie until it’s completed. I swear, The Godfather could be on one channel, Saving Private Ryan on another and the only time he will move off of My Cousin Vinny is if there’s a horse race going on. I guess he just likes making fun of I-talians and rednecks. And he probably imagines me doing mental gymnastics around people in Texas just like Joe Pesci.
1. Old CDs. Thanks to Brock, I was reminded that I had a bunch of CDs from 2000 and earlier that were boxed up in my parent’s house (Brock had to let me know he bought the Black Rob album for the second time. It was fun for about 5 minutes to have the phrase “Woah!” back in my life. And yes, Black Rob’s album was still at my parents.) I got about twenty old albums and bumped them all on the way home. The best part was going through the mixtapes I made back in high school. I’m telling you, my Dirty South mixtape is a work of art. Just the fact that I can listen to Petey Pablo’s “North Carolina, come on and raise up” while driving to work in the morning gets me excited.
7. The ability to test my parallel parking skills on a daily basis. I’ll admit, they have been falling off recently. If only I had driven up on Friday night, I would have had a true test to see my ability. However, this would have been two miles from my house, and so I decided to wait until the next day to make my trip. The two feet I got on both sides Saturday afternoon was child’s play.
6. Having a coke dealer across the street. Contrary to the jokes I make, I have never done coke. But there’s something comforting about knowing if I wanted to, there’s a supplier across the street. I miss that sometimes, the comfort factor.
5. An OCD complex for dinner. The fact that I came home on a Saturday meant that I might have the nerve to ask for something different for dinner than cheeseburgers. This would throw my dad’s whole week off. Thankfully order was restored when I confirmed that I do enjoy cheeseburgers.
4. Belmont Paraphernalia. You know what I miss? The class that having flowers in a glass that says “Belmont Park” brings to a living room. I miss having clothing emblazoned with the Belmont logo.
3. Showers with one temperature fits all. Oh, so you just got back from a run and want a cold shower? Too bad. All we got is hot. You’re trying to give a 2 year old a bath? Too bad, pour in some cold water from the sink.
2. My Cousin Vinny. Going home means having to give up remote navigation privileges to my dad. And I don’t think he has ever come across My Cousin Vinny and not stopped and watched that movie until it’s completed. I swear, The Godfather could be on one channel, Saving Private Ryan on another and the only time he will move off of My Cousin Vinny is if there’s a horse race going on. I guess he just likes making fun of I-talians and rednecks. And he probably imagines me doing mental gymnastics around people in Texas just like Joe Pesci.
1. Old CDs. Thanks to Brock, I was reminded that I had a bunch of CDs from 2000 and earlier that were boxed up in my parent’s house (Brock had to let me know he bought the Black Rob album for the second time. It was fun for about 5 minutes to have the phrase “Woah!” back in my life. And yes, Black Rob’s album was still at my parents.) I got about twenty old albums and bumped them all on the way home. The best part was going through the mixtapes I made back in high school. I’m telling you, my Dirty South mixtape is a work of art. Just the fact that I can listen to Petey Pablo’s “North Carolina, come on and raise up” while driving to work in the morning gets me excited.
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