Hubie Brown Summarizes my Friday Night

Ok, now, you’re Barney. You haven’t been out in more than 3 weeks. Before Friday night, you’ve gone 5 days without having a drink. So you’re tremendously excited to be going out to Happy Hour on Friday, and this night has the potential for a tremendous upside. Add to that, the fact that this bar is home to West Virginia fans during football season, and at the very least, Barney can make Pacman Jones or Chris Henry jokes. You start off with $2 Miller Lites. Now, this isn’t your beer of choice, but it’s such a good deal, you have to take it. You also order some of those mini-burgers. This was your first mistake because you didn’t realize how greasy they were. And you weren’t paying attention, and the next thing you know, there’s grease on your shirt and pants. That’s not the way you want to start your night if you hope to get laid.

The next mistake Barney made was that he decided to get into a chugging contest, which is not his forte. Barney should be sticking to shots, that’s his bread and butter. It’s like a team trying to run with Golden State. You get lulled into thinking you can run with them because you’re a competitive individual. The next thing you know, its 128-118 and you’re realizing you’ll need to score 140 to win this thing. Anyway, back to Barney’s second mistake, which was getting into a Jaeger bomb chugging contest. While Barney’s a great drinker, speed is not his strength. The longer Barney can string out a drinking contest, the better he will be because he has no regard for the effects this will have on him the next day. He needs to slow the tempo down because he can out execute teams in the half court.

Now you’re Barney. You just lost the drinking contest. What do you do? Calling the contest “horseshit” was not the most graceful way of dealing with the loss. Sitting by yourself for the next hour in front of the television and refusing to talk to the person that beat you? Also not the way you should have handled it. But on the upside, you did get to watch the first half of the Lakers-Jazz game, which feature me, Hubie Brown, announcing. What you did not want to do was tell people to “Go Fuck Yourself” upon leaving the bar.

My advice for Barney for next season, is to get speed in this year’s draft. You have to get quicker if you’re going to contend for the drinking title next year. Draft someone with quickness that has a tremendous upside potential. You also have to mature. I love the intensity he brings to the bar, but you’re 25 years old now. You should not be acting like you’re 5 when you lose.