Obligatory Horse Racing Post

In what I hope becomes an annual occurrence, I will write one episode a year about the sport of my youth, horse racing. Last year, it was horse racing in West Virginia. This year, it will be about the Kentucky Derby. If I had to pick a sporting event to attend in person, I think the Kentucky Derby would be in my Top 5. It just seems like an event as much as a contest. Plus they serve bourbon. And lots of it. Here’s how I see it going:

Barney: 1 mint julep please. Hold the mint.
Bartender: So you just want me to pour bourbon in a cup?
Barney: You are correct, good sir.

And I’d be making Barbaro jokes by the 2nd race. I haven’t decided if I’d be hitting on the girl with the most ridiculous hat or just making fun of her. Actually, maybe I’ll do both and hit on her in a sarcastic manner and hope that the Southern Belle is too stupid to pick up on it. That sounds like a plan. Kentucky Derby road trip in 2009? Who’s with me (I can hear my dad sticking his hand up 300 miles away).

Anyway, this year, I actually have some money on it. Since I’ve followed exactly 5 minutes of horse racing so far this year (and that was just so I could get a score on the bottom of ESPN), I’m in no position to make a selection based on actual knowledge. No, I’m using another system: Simpsons references. This year I have $20 on Pyro. If you recall, Pyro was briefly dating Millhouse’s mom until he found out that she was cheating on him with his good friend, Gyro. He then drove away in his American Gladiators orb, stunned that his so-called friend would disgrace him like that. So this year, the Barney show is picking Pyro to show Mrs. Van Houten how he rolls and what she missed by going out with that loser Gyro. Revenge, thy name be Pyro. (No folks, it doesn’t take much to get me to put money on something. I’m that easy. And yes, I know that with my endorsement, Pyro will be lucky to actually finish the race and not have to be euthanized.) (Citation: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Van_Houten_family#Luann)