Barney goes to a baseball game, bad luck ensues

You know what you need? A good, ol’ fashion Barney’s luck sucks story. My all time favorite used to be when we went to the Penn Relays. Blaze’s dad volunteered to drive us down to Philly where we proceeded to run like crap and then have to drive 3 hours home. Unfortunately, the car lights were left on the entire time we were running. Needless to say, it did not start when we got back. Blaze’s dad was starting to blame himself, when K-Dog interrupted: “Don’t worry Mr. Blaze, it’s not your fault you got stuck driving Barney. Shit like that happens all the time when you’re around him. Believe me, I know.” And we all accepted that and moved on to another topic. No arguments from anyone.

Anyway, this week I went to my first game at the new Nationals stadium. We get there early hoping to catch batting practice. We miss that, but the stadium is pretty empty. Except our section. When purchasing tickets, I bought them in the section that was hosting Senior Day or something. So our section is packed. Our entire row is occupied. It’s old people in front of me, to the right of me and behind me. To the left of me is the Braves bullpen. Which would be pretty cool and has the potential for some more heckling fun. Except that in the one seat in between me and the bullpen is a psycho Braves fan, who I think was stalking the Braves. She watched the entire bullpen session and did not take her eyes off once. Chipper Jones grounded out and she looked like she was going to cry. So I’m packed in next to old people making jokes like this one, “Lastings Milledge? What was his older brother’s name? Firstings,” and the psycho, and there are entire SECTIONS of the stadiums that are still empty. Not upper deck either. There are lower level sections that are completely empty and I have to climb over 8 people to go get a beer. Once we realized this, I turned to LA and was like, “Well, this is what you get for coming to a game with me.” The Bad Luck Express had made its first stop (actually no, that’s not true. As I was walking out of the office early I ran into my boss’s boss. I tried to just put my head down and keep walking but I don’t think that worked).

Next stop, a really quick baseball game. I really had no rooting interest in this game except for wanting the Braves to lose. I really came just to drink beers and check out the new park. So of course, I pick one of the fastest games I’ve ever seen. It clocked in at just over three hours…for 12 innings. I would probably enjoy that normally, except they stop beer sales after the 7th inning. This was roughly an hour and a half from the first pitch (bad luck number 2). I barely had a buzz going when I had to make a last second run. During the 7th inning stretch, LA went and got two beers (the limit they could sell per person), and I immediately followed. I went to the bathroom and got out as the Nats were making the second out. I panicked and went to the nearest concession stand that sold beer (this was well founded because the one I went to, after ordering beer, the girl immediately looked at the tv to see if the inning had ended). The Nats new people haven’t gotten their act together because I got two beers in a paper Coke cup. Not that I complained because that beer needed to last me 5 more innings.

Now on the bathroom trip, somehow, people couldn’t get out the main door. Upon seeing this, a retarded kid starts running to the rear exit (I didn’t know they had more than one. It was also not only Senior day, but special needs day as well). I come back to my new seat 10 rows back of where we started off because the last 8 rows of our section were pretty empty and here was the exchange:LA: What took you so long?Barney: Something happened to the bathroom door, but the retard led us to freedeom.
LA: (Look of shock. Whispers) Ummm…I think he’s sitting right behind you.
Barney: (Look of even more shock. Pause. Think. Whisper) I hope retards don’t hear very well.

But we’re not done with awkward jokes made by me. The games over and we walk about a half mile to the metro as to avoid the crowds at the metro right outside Nats park. The train is about 50% full. We’re talking about LA’s roommate, who I’ve best described as, “Dumber than a box of fucking rocks.” She’s a borderline psycho who has the IQ of a god damn potato. Now that you have the back story, we’re getting on the train, looking for a seat. Here’s this exchange.

LA: ….something about psycho roommate.
Barney: Yeah, she’s fucking retarded. (I obviously did not learn my lesson)
LA: (gets into the only open seat for the two of us. Laughs. Says something unrelated)
Barney: Ok, LA whatever you say.
Psycho Roommate: LA? Is that you?

Alright, one could make a very fair argument that I shouldn’t be such an asshole. But, really, what are the fucking odds of that happening? Picking a random seat on a random metro station that you’ve never been to, sitting behind someone you know, while talking shit about that said person? 500-1 at best right? I swear, these are things that only happen when I’m around. You know how I’m managing people now? Guess how many days it was before our system crashed? 3. It was down for a day and a half as soon as I get in charge. At some point, this stops being a coincidence and starts getting creepy. People should just start avoiding me at this point for their own good.