Don’t be that concerned my dear reader. This does involve Randy Moss. He’s going to have his own NASCAR Craftsman Truck series team.
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/racing/04/29/bc.car.mossmotorsports.ap/
This leads to the inevitable question: Will he be paying for this team in straight cash? Thank you, thank you, I’ll show myself out.
Other questions I have:Will Dutch Masters be a sponsor?
Will he be looking for drivers who drive when they want to drive?
Will Jason Williams be involved in anyway?
He’ll definitely be signing the driver who drove while on heroin, right?
How could a driver take advice from a guy who couldn’t even avoid a traffic cop? Or will they be motivated because all NASCAR drivers secretly hate traffic cops?
Feel free to add your own in the comments.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
More Lebron-Deshawn
Alright, this is getting a little rid-god-damn-diculous right now. The series started off with this whole Lebron/Deshawn rivalry being interesting. I didn’t think it would set off rap beef. I’ve got the link to Jay’s verse Friday night. I’ll be honest, he didn’t do anything that great. The only good thing I can say about it is that he didn’t mention Deshawn Stevenson’s name because he’s not even close to in his league.
http://realtalkny.rawkus.com/2008/04/topic/artists/jay-z/jay-z-blow-the-whistle-deshawn-stevenson-diss/
Then it gets even more high schoolish as some random rapper decides to make a song dissing Hov. And this is getting actual radio play down here.
http://www.zshare.net/audio/1119889428557c2c/
There’s this big controversy that Jay and Lebron disrespected DC by showing up and playing this in DC. Ummm…I’m pretty sure the club advertised that Lebron was going to show up because I knew about it Friday morning. So it’s not like he just showed up out of the blue and started beef. DC invited him and I’m pretty sure a lot of residents showed up just to see Lebron. If this was an actual rivalry, that would not have happened. Do you think Jordan back in the day could have gone to a club in NYC during a playoff war with the Knicks? Of course not. If he wanted to be entertained, he had to go to AC and gamble.
What’s lost in all this is that the Wizards are going to lose a series when they have significant match up advantages at 3 of the 5 starting positions, and it’s pretty close on another one (Haywood has played very well this series). They also have a slightly better bench and a better coach. And they might lose this series 4-1. Because they acted like retards and called out the 2nd best player in the league. One of the reasons I was so excited for this series was to see how Lebron responded to the challenge. After 4 games, I’d say “well to very well.” He’s even pulled out some ruthlessness by doing the “I can’t feel my face” thing after any big play.
If the Cavs win on Wednesday, you know who Deshawn Stevenson turns into? Lebradford Smith. Don’t remember him? No, that’s because you have an actual life and I don’t. My all-time favorite Jordan story involved Lebradford Smith, who was with Washington back in the day. He scored 37 in a game against Jordan in Chicago. It was the first game of a home and home, so the two teams traveled to Washington. Jordan claimed that Smith was talking trash to him on his way to 37. Jordan had 36 points in the first half alone, and Smith career was effectively over. (What makes this story even better is that Smith didn’t say anything to Jordan. He kept his mouth shut, but Jordan made it up to motivate himself. That’s why he’s the greatest player of all time.) One of my favorite sayings in sports is, “Don’t pull on Superman’s cape,” meaning don’t talk shit and rile up someone you can’t stop. Deshawn broke this rule and the result: What looks like a first round exit. Hope you like being back in Orlando with your boy Drew Gooden prick.
http://realtalkny.rawkus.com/2008/04/topic/artists/jay-z/jay-z-blow-the-whistle-deshawn-stevenson-diss/
Then it gets even more high schoolish as some random rapper decides to make a song dissing Hov. And this is getting actual radio play down here.
http://www.zshare.net/audio/1119889428557c2c/
There’s this big controversy that Jay and Lebron disrespected DC by showing up and playing this in DC. Ummm…I’m pretty sure the club advertised that Lebron was going to show up because I knew about it Friday morning. So it’s not like he just showed up out of the blue and started beef. DC invited him and I’m pretty sure a lot of residents showed up just to see Lebron. If this was an actual rivalry, that would not have happened. Do you think Jordan back in the day could have gone to a club in NYC during a playoff war with the Knicks? Of course not. If he wanted to be entertained, he had to go to AC and gamble.
What’s lost in all this is that the Wizards are going to lose a series when they have significant match up advantages at 3 of the 5 starting positions, and it’s pretty close on another one (Haywood has played very well this series). They also have a slightly better bench and a better coach. And they might lose this series 4-1. Because they acted like retards and called out the 2nd best player in the league. One of the reasons I was so excited for this series was to see how Lebron responded to the challenge. After 4 games, I’d say “well to very well.” He’s even pulled out some ruthlessness by doing the “I can’t feel my face” thing after any big play.
If the Cavs win on Wednesday, you know who Deshawn Stevenson turns into? Lebradford Smith. Don’t remember him? No, that’s because you have an actual life and I don’t. My all-time favorite Jordan story involved Lebradford Smith, who was with Washington back in the day. He scored 37 in a game against Jordan in Chicago. It was the first game of a home and home, so the two teams traveled to Washington. Jordan claimed that Smith was talking trash to him on his way to 37. Jordan had 36 points in the first half alone, and Smith career was effectively over. (What makes this story even better is that Smith didn’t say anything to Jordan. He kept his mouth shut, but Jordan made it up to motivate himself. That’s why he’s the greatest player of all time.) One of my favorite sayings in sports is, “Don’t pull on Superman’s cape,” meaning don’t talk shit and rile up someone you can’t stop. Deshawn broke this rule and the result: What looks like a first round exit. Hope you like being back in Orlando with your boy Drew Gooden prick.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Brock Has Questions
So Brock sent me a list of questions he had for me via e-mail. Since I would reply to it anyway, this allows me to do twice the work by convincing you this is an original Barney Show episode. Multitask mother fucker.
Kobe is in a playoff series with the Nuggets. How does this make you feel?
I think I mentioned this in a previous episode, but I feel that the hotel room in Eagle, Colorado should be made into a tourist attraction. Sure, I would be the only tourist who actually visited it, but that doesn’t change anything. Plus the Nuggets have been a walking trainwreck all week. K-Mart’s “I’d rather be pissed off than pissed on,” quote earlier this week was a classic though.
How do you like the Gholston pick?
Do I really have to talk about this? You’re just trying to rile me up, aren’t you? I’m wholeheartedly against taking Gholston, but at the same time, there really wasn’t any other choice. After 24 hours to reflect, I’m not as pissed off as I was yesterday afternoon. I wasn’t informed enough to know who else they could have gotten in that spot, but I’m not endorsing a pick of a guy who’s been accused of taking plays off. It was more of the circumstances that the Jets stayed put at 6 and no one slipped to them. I was really hoping Dorsey ended up there.
Why did the J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets! trade up into the 1st round to pick a 2nd rd TE?
Not just a tight end, but a tight end from the Big 10. I’m of the thoughts that the Big 10 is like European basketball. You know how in Europe they limit each team to two Americans so they’re own people can play? I’m convinced there’s an unwritten rule that each Big 10 team can only take two players from south of the Mason-Dixon line. This vastly distorts the performance of any player coming out of the Big 10 in the past 3-4 years.
How about LeBron dissing DeShawn Stephenson by equating him to Soulja Boy?
I’m glad you asked this because there has been no one more on top of this Cavs-Wizards beef than me. Mostly because LA is in love with Deshawn Stevenson, to the point that she wants to conceive his child. So of course I have to throw anything Lebron does to him back in her face. What Lebron said about Deshawn might have been one of the most brilliant things any athlete has ever said. Couple that with his comparisons to Hov, and that just puts it over the top.
How about SB showing at Game 3 of the Cavs-Wiz series?
This whole Lebron-Deshawn feud has gotten so ridiculous it’s comical to me at this point. First, Soulja Boy shows up to game 3, performs at halftime and is treated like royalty. Then, Friday night, Lebron is at Love nightclub (NYC equivalent = the Tunnel circa 2000) and they play a Jay Z song that disses Deshawn five times. (I really thought Hov would be above this. As I told LA, “Jay doesn’t do 1st round games. Call him when it’s the conference finals.” But now, what can I say? My favorite quote on the internet (now on computers) is “How many times has an NBA minority owner dissed an NBA player via a rap song? My guess is never.” But after thinking about it, this really is just solidifying the reasons for The Global Icon to sign with the Brooklyn Nets. I’m actually excited at this point for David Stern to launch an investigation into this song (which samples Too Short by the way) regarding tampering.) Anyway, this is where it get so high schoolish. Tough Juice was apparently at Love as well and called Deshawn after the song got played. So now this whole thing has gotten completely blown out of proportion. It’s bad when Gilbert Arenas is the voice of reason saying that it would be an honor to be name checked by Jay even if he is dissing him.
Did you get thru 8 Diagrams? Do you have any thoughts?
Have not gotten the chance to pick it up yet. But they were playing at Love the same night Jay’s song got played. I’m kicking myself for not going to Love on Friday night because I knew Lebron and the Wu would be there. I did however spend last weekend looking up old Wu Tang videos on youtube.
Did you notice how much armpit hair Kenyon Martin has?
Ummm….no. Apparently Yellow Boys grow armpit hair at a greater rate than the rest of us.
Do you have any thoughts on the size of Glenn Dorsey’s head (from the back of his head to the front of his jaw)?
It is big, but than again, everyone’s head is big compared to mine.
What about Gholston’s? It seemed quite average by comparison.
Just wait until he starts doing HGH. It will get bigger in the next few years.
Rashard Mendenhall is a black professional athlete with a black girlfriend. In 50 words or less, explain why this is important to the city of Pittsburgh .
Extremely important. With pictures of Santonio Holmes' ginourmous dong circulating on the internet, the people of Pittsburgh need to be assured that their white women will be safe for Roethlisberger to pork.
Which is funnier:
When asked why you did something and you give the answer ‘shits and giggles’ OR
I don’t believe in men carrying umbrellas, when asked why I reply that umbrellas are for sissies and faggots.
Tremendous question. “Shits and giggles” is the runaway winner for two reasons.
First, there was a girl that I worked with who went by the name “Giggles”. We asked her for something more professional (like her given name), but she said she preferred to be called Giggles. Ok, fine, whatever. Since she was dumb as hell, we decided to call the even dumber girl in our office “Shits”. Hence, whenever the two were together it was “Shits and Giggles”. So that term re-entered my lexicon about a year ago.
Secondly, I am completely behind the whole grown ass men should not use umbrellas initiative. I too do not use an umbrella. And while it results in my pants being wet from time to time (windbreakers were invented to keep your shirt dry), it’s an acceptable compromise from having to lose your masculinity. There are two instances however, when I feel using an umbrella is acceptable: 1: When you buy it off a guy on the street. I find it utterly astounding that these guys know when its going to rain. Do they sit around watching the Weather Channel and on rainy days say, “Well, we’re in business today, boys.” If it gets that bad that you need to spend $5 on an umbrella that will not work in a week, that’s acceptable. 2: If you’re sharing an umbrella with a female companion. I’m not advocating for you to own an umbrella and use it with the hope of attracting a lady friend. No, I’m saying it’s acceptable for you to accept an offer from a girl to join her under an umbrella that she is currently using. Other than that, suck it up and get rained on. (I’m pretty sure that’s what strip club owners tell their employees when Pacman steps in the door.)
Earlier this week I asserted that Den, Dal & Phx wouldn’t all be swept. Thoughts?
Other than I’m disappointed in the so-called depth of the West. All of them have flaws, so I’m not that surprised.
Whom does AK-47 most look like; Archie, Ivan Drago or Walter in ‘the Big Lebowski’?
Ivan Drago. I think he needs to start doing roids and blood doping to increase his intensity.
What is this source of Jaromir Jagr’s douchery: the face that he was dubbed 'Mario Jr' [an anagram for his name] and couldnt deal with being 2nd best to the greatest player of all time or his current flavor savor?
I’d vote for something that you didn’t mention. The fact that he’s a multimillionaire that still has a mullet. That should have raised flags. And I’m glad I finally mentioned hockey in my blog. I finally watched an NHL game this past week with the Caps-Flyers game 7. I wish I could get into hockey more. Islander-Ranger games growing up were fun as hell.
Kobe is in a playoff series with the Nuggets. How does this make you feel?
I think I mentioned this in a previous episode, but I feel that the hotel room in Eagle, Colorado should be made into a tourist attraction. Sure, I would be the only tourist who actually visited it, but that doesn’t change anything. Plus the Nuggets have been a walking trainwreck all week. K-Mart’s “I’d rather be pissed off than pissed on,” quote earlier this week was a classic though.
How do you like the Gholston pick?
Do I really have to talk about this? You’re just trying to rile me up, aren’t you? I’m wholeheartedly against taking Gholston, but at the same time, there really wasn’t any other choice. After 24 hours to reflect, I’m not as pissed off as I was yesterday afternoon. I wasn’t informed enough to know who else they could have gotten in that spot, but I’m not endorsing a pick of a guy who’s been accused of taking plays off. It was more of the circumstances that the Jets stayed put at 6 and no one slipped to them. I was really hoping Dorsey ended up there.
Why did the J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets! trade up into the 1st round to pick a 2nd rd TE?
Not just a tight end, but a tight end from the Big 10. I’m of the thoughts that the Big 10 is like European basketball. You know how in Europe they limit each team to two Americans so they’re own people can play? I’m convinced there’s an unwritten rule that each Big 10 team can only take two players from south of the Mason-Dixon line. This vastly distorts the performance of any player coming out of the Big 10 in the past 3-4 years.
How about LeBron dissing DeShawn Stephenson by equating him to Soulja Boy?
I’m glad you asked this because there has been no one more on top of this Cavs-Wizards beef than me. Mostly because LA is in love with Deshawn Stevenson, to the point that she wants to conceive his child. So of course I have to throw anything Lebron does to him back in her face. What Lebron said about Deshawn might have been one of the most brilliant things any athlete has ever said. Couple that with his comparisons to Hov, and that just puts it over the top.
How about SB showing at Game 3 of the Cavs-Wiz series?
This whole Lebron-Deshawn feud has gotten so ridiculous it’s comical to me at this point. First, Soulja Boy shows up to game 3, performs at halftime and is treated like royalty. Then, Friday night, Lebron is at Love nightclub (NYC equivalent = the Tunnel circa 2000) and they play a Jay Z song that disses Deshawn five times. (I really thought Hov would be above this. As I told LA, “Jay doesn’t do 1st round games. Call him when it’s the conference finals.” But now, what can I say? My favorite quote on the internet (now on computers) is “How many times has an NBA minority owner dissed an NBA player via a rap song? My guess is never.” But after thinking about it, this really is just solidifying the reasons for The Global Icon to sign with the Brooklyn Nets. I’m actually excited at this point for David Stern to launch an investigation into this song (which samples Too Short by the way) regarding tampering.) Anyway, this is where it get so high schoolish. Tough Juice was apparently at Love as well and called Deshawn after the song got played. So now this whole thing has gotten completely blown out of proportion. It’s bad when Gilbert Arenas is the voice of reason saying that it would be an honor to be name checked by Jay even if he is dissing him.
Did you get thru 8 Diagrams? Do you have any thoughts?
Have not gotten the chance to pick it up yet. But they were playing at Love the same night Jay’s song got played. I’m kicking myself for not going to Love on Friday night because I knew Lebron and the Wu would be there. I did however spend last weekend looking up old Wu Tang videos on youtube.
Did you notice how much armpit hair Kenyon Martin has?
Ummm….no. Apparently Yellow Boys grow armpit hair at a greater rate than the rest of us.
Do you have any thoughts on the size of Glenn Dorsey’s head (from the back of his head to the front of his jaw)?
It is big, but than again, everyone’s head is big compared to mine.
What about Gholston’s? It seemed quite average by comparison.
Just wait until he starts doing HGH. It will get bigger in the next few years.
Rashard Mendenhall is a black professional athlete with a black girlfriend. In 50 words or less, explain why this is important to the city of Pittsburgh .
Extremely important. With pictures of Santonio Holmes' ginourmous dong circulating on the internet, the people of Pittsburgh need to be assured that their white women will be safe for Roethlisberger to pork.
Which is funnier:
When asked why you did something and you give the answer ‘shits and giggles’ OR
I don’t believe in men carrying umbrellas, when asked why I reply that umbrellas are for sissies and faggots.
Tremendous question. “Shits and giggles” is the runaway winner for two reasons.
First, there was a girl that I worked with who went by the name “Giggles”. We asked her for something more professional (like her given name), but she said she preferred to be called Giggles. Ok, fine, whatever. Since she was dumb as hell, we decided to call the even dumber girl in our office “Shits”. Hence, whenever the two were together it was “Shits and Giggles”. So that term re-entered my lexicon about a year ago.
Secondly, I am completely behind the whole grown ass men should not use umbrellas initiative. I too do not use an umbrella. And while it results in my pants being wet from time to time (windbreakers were invented to keep your shirt dry), it’s an acceptable compromise from having to lose your masculinity. There are two instances however, when I feel using an umbrella is acceptable: 1: When you buy it off a guy on the street. I find it utterly astounding that these guys know when its going to rain. Do they sit around watching the Weather Channel and on rainy days say, “Well, we’re in business today, boys.” If it gets that bad that you need to spend $5 on an umbrella that will not work in a week, that’s acceptable. 2: If you’re sharing an umbrella with a female companion. I’m not advocating for you to own an umbrella and use it with the hope of attracting a lady friend. No, I’m saying it’s acceptable for you to accept an offer from a girl to join her under an umbrella that she is currently using. Other than that, suck it up and get rained on. (I’m pretty sure that’s what strip club owners tell their employees when Pacman steps in the door.)
Earlier this week I asserted that Den, Dal & Phx wouldn’t all be swept. Thoughts?
Other than I’m disappointed in the so-called depth of the West. All of them have flaws, so I’m not that surprised.
Whom does AK-47 most look like; Archie, Ivan Drago or Walter in ‘the Big Lebowski’?
Ivan Drago. I think he needs to start doing roids and blood doping to increase his intensity.
What is this source of Jaromir Jagr’s douchery: the face that he was dubbed 'Mario Jr' [an anagram for his name] and couldnt deal with being 2nd best to the greatest player of all time or his current flavor savor?
I’d vote for something that you didn’t mention. The fact that he’s a multimillionaire that still has a mullet. That should have raised flags. And I’m glad I finally mentioned hockey in my blog. I finally watched an NHL game this past week with the Caps-Flyers game 7. I wish I could get into hockey more. Islander-Ranger games growing up were fun as hell.
Barney Show Exclusive
With our exclusive connections, The Barney Show has gotten an exclusive interview with Lebron James after his win against the Wizards on Sunday. If you recall, James has gotten into it with Deshawn Stevenson lately and Soulja Boy had to be called in. We caught up with James after his win on Sunday and asked him what he had to say about Stevenson.
“I don't care if you Deshawn, I hold triggers to crews
You little FUCK, I've got money stacks bigger than you
When I was McDonald’s MVP, back in ‘03
You was a banging tweeners, I got police report, I seen ya (Barney Show note: Deshawn was arrested for statutory rape at one point)
Then you went to Orlando, switch your demeanor
Well - we don't believe you, you need more people
Four Horseman (Barney Show note: What Lebron call his entourage), students of the game, we passed the classes
Nobody can read you dudes like we do
Don't let 'em gas you, like Bron is ass and won't clap you
Trust me on this one - I'll detach you
Mind from spirit, body from soul
They'll have to hold a mass, put your body in a hole
No, you're not on my level get your brakes tweaked
I score more points in a game than you score in a whole week
You guys don't want it with Bron
Ask Boston, they don't want it with Bron, Nooooo!”
Final Barney Show note: This beef has escalated so much that Hov actually did feel the need to get involved. If I find this song, I will post it as soon as I can provide analysis:
http://blog.washingtonpost.com/wizardsinsider/2008/04/jayz_joins_the_lebrondeshawn_f.html
“I don't care if you Deshawn, I hold triggers to crews
You little FUCK, I've got money stacks bigger than you
When I was McDonald’s MVP, back in ‘03
You was a banging tweeners, I got police report, I seen ya (Barney Show note: Deshawn was arrested for statutory rape at one point)
Then you went to Orlando, switch your demeanor
Well - we don't believe you, you need more people
Four Horseman (Barney Show note: What Lebron call his entourage), students of the game, we passed the classes
Nobody can read you dudes like we do
Don't let 'em gas you, like Bron is ass and won't clap you
Trust me on this one - I'll detach you
Mind from spirit, body from soul
They'll have to hold a mass, put your body in a hole
No, you're not on my level get your brakes tweaked
I score more points in a game than you score in a whole week
You guys don't want it with Bron
Ask Boston, they don't want it with Bron, Nooooo!”
Final Barney Show note: This beef has escalated so much that Hov actually did feel the need to get involved. If I find this song, I will post it as soon as I can provide analysis:
http://blog.washingtonpost.com/wizardsinsider/2008/04/jayz_joins_the_lebrondeshawn_f.html
NFL Draft 2008
We’re breaking tradition for this year’s NFL Draft. For the last two years I’ve been hungover/drunk during the proceedings. This year, I’ve been a normal person for the most part today. Lifted and ran this morning, got a haircut, ran errands. I actually feel somewhat good right now. We’ll see how I feel an hour from now when the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets pick. I’m joined by Miller Lite, but my good friend Jack is standing by and is ready if/when the Jets screw up. I wrote a separate episode earlier about D Mac so I wouldn’t turn this into the where does Darren McFadden go draft. But I’ve been watching Run DMC youtube videos. I’m sufficiently hyped for this. Let’s get it started.
2:38: Sal Palantonio is in Baltimore? He’s allowed outside of New Jersey and Philly? Time to fill out an company expense report for the first time Sal.
2:42: Reason # 5,765 I love the NFL Draft: Under Armor commercials. They make me feel like running through a wall or something. I might do that if it follows the Jets picking Ghoulston.
2:45: Ok, time for the obligatory Darren McFadden character issue discussion. I loved Mort talking about this earlier. “Matt Leinhert has a child out of wedlock. Tom Brady has a child out of wedlock. It’s not uncommon in the NFL.” I can’t get any love Mort? I’m a successful IT consultant. My favorite thing I’ve learned in this whole D Mac character issue is that he has one brother that was a Blood, one was a Crip. In the words of Ron Burgundy, “I’m not even mad. I’m impressed.” How does that happen? Oh yeah, his mom was a crackhead. And no one mentioned that one of the fights he got in was at a dueling piano bar. I’d be more concerned if he didn’t get in a fight at a dueling piano bar.
2:49: Glad ESPN got Chris Carter on the payroll. Since Michael Irvin was fired, they’ve been missing a definitive source for drug problems.
2:50: Keyshawn’s outfit? Gray jacket, pink tie, black/white flannel shirt. I cannot begin to find words to describe it.
2:55: Jake Long is going # 1 and Chris Long 2. ESPN should bring Jay Bilas on board today just to talk about all the length in the room today.
3:00: They just mentioned Jumbo Elliot. Worth noting that he got in a bar fight and broke a window at a bar a mile from my parents house. Or not worth noting, I don’t care.
3:01: Since Suzy Kolber is interviewing Jake Long, it’s worth noting that if you want an draft blog that’s actually funny, go to Kissing Suzy Kolber.
3:04: Here comes Roger Goddell. And Jets fans are already booing. Wow, we’re 2 minutes in and they already have a pick made. Rog wasn’t kidding when he said this would be streamlined.
3:07: Brock just texted me saying he wanted Miami to take Matt Ryan. I concur. As long as Jake Long was not in on the joke. And he was crying. That would have been the highlight of my year so far.
3:08: God dammit, they just showed Brady Quinn and Lindy from last year. I want to forget that at much as possible.
3:12: The most underrated thing that no one talks about is the sexual innuendo that gets mentioned. Especially defensive line players. How they “get off” the line of scrimmage. Their ability to get “penetration”. Constantly “double and tripled teamed.” I’ll try not to think of this ever again.
3:17: If Chris Berman tries to work the word “long” into conversation as much as possible, I might end this early. I don’t have NFL Network.
3:18: Another thing that doesn’t come up often as to why I love the NFL Draft: Female reporters. As the day goes on and I drink more and more, they get hotter and hotter. I might need to drink straight shots through the whole first round for Holly Rowe to get hot.
3:20: Steve Young has never not advocated for a team either getting a quarterback, or if they have an established QB, an wide receiver for him. Atlanta goes with Matt Ryan. He continues the trend of Irish Catholic quarterbacks from Catholic schools dressing like they’re gay. I’m not a big fan of this new trend.
3:30: FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK. Fuck you Al Davis. I hate you. If the Raiders ever get it together, a Black and Silver McFadden jersey will be by far the best selling jersey. It will already be the most bad ass jersey in the league.
3:35: Glen Dorsey is on the phone with Kansas City. He’s now crying. God dammit. Gholston is on the top of the board for the Jets. Herm Edwards will like his emotions since he’s crying.
3:40: Please trade down, please trade down, please trade down.
3:41: Please don’t take Gholston, please don’t take Gholston, please don’t take Gholston. I’m pretty sure he’ll be a bust. Someone on KSK said that the Jets have the sixth pick in a 5 player draft. I agree.
3:44: Mel Kiper just said that the intensity with Gholston wavered game to game. The idiot Jets fans are chanting for him. Even Herbstreit said he only had one good game. Jaws ripped him.
3:47: I hate life right now. I like using the sixth pick for a guy who’s intensity has been questioned by everyone and is rumored to be on ‘roids. FUCK!
3:53: My good friend Jack has been brought out. I need it right now.
3:54: And the Pats traded down. There’s a reason they’re the best organization in the league.
3:56: Sedrick Ellis to the Saints. I guess they were satisfied with the last Trojan they took.
3:57: Jacksonville traded up? Wow.
3:59: We have our first Mel Kiper reach comment. He’s the absolute best. He’s not involved nearly enough in this today.
4:03: Derrick Harvey. Ok, I’m officially at the point where I don’t have too much opinion on guys. Mel Kiper doesn’t like the pick. That’s good enough for me. Berman questioned Kiper’s Big Board. He did not take that well.
4:15: Jets fans boo the Patriots pick. We’re all about losing the war but winning minor battles.
4:17: I’ve finally figured out Keyshawn’s outfit. In the words of Barry Pepper in The 25th Hour, “Do the ladies tell you to look like an optical illusion?”
4:21: Leodis McKelvin gets picked by Buffalo. With McFadden, us Micks are doing well in this draft. Wait, they’re not really Irish?
4:22: For some reason, they’re playing “Rocky Mountain High”. That John Denver, he’s full of shit.
4:22: Let’s hope Jonathan Stewart can get out of his contract from the Daily Show and fix his toe so he can play for the Panthers.
4:34: Anyone else excited for E:60 talking to Mike Tyson? Pretty much anything Mike Tyson is involved in I will want to watch. In fact, let’s go to youtube and start looking for Mike Tyson stuff since I’m done watching McFadden on youtube.
4:39: If we’re going to go on a run of tackles, I might be passing out sooner than I though.
4:41: Wait, Sal Palantonio has been around the Eagles a lot in the past few months? You’re kidding me. Anyway, the Lions are up and not one WR has been selected yet. C’mon Devin Thomas.
4:47: Kansas City takes Branden Albert, another offensive lineman.
5:00: Gosder Cherilus? Who the fuck is that? That’s really someone’s name?
5:01: If you can’t tell, this episode has been losing steam for awhile. I’m just trying to get through the Washington, Dallas, Pittsburgh picks.
5:04: Ummm…I’m assuming the girl next to Joe Flacco is his girlfriend. And she’s not that hot. If it’s his sister, I apologize.
5:10: Uh oh, Philly is on the clock. Cue Rocky music. Booing will ensue.
5:11: “Yes, Andy Reid can jump.” First funny thing Berman has said all day. Philly trades down.
5:13: Another tackle? This draft sucks.
5:15: Keyshawn and Steve Young get into an argument while Goddell introduces our armed forces and ESPN doesn’t cut them off. Classy, ESPN.
5:32: The Redskins traded their pick? I’m not ready for a conservative Dan Snyder.
5:41: Jerry Jones taking Felix Jones was the most predictable thing in this draft so far.
I’m not really sure what happened after 5:41. I think I went to take a nap but didn’t fall asleep. I was still pissed about the Gholston pick that I decided, “Hey, continuing drinking sounds like a good idea.” And this ended with me in a cab at 3:30 in the morning with the cab driver telling me how he goes to Romania every year to pick up hookers for $30. Yup, that seems about right for me.
2:38: Sal Palantonio is in Baltimore? He’s allowed outside of New Jersey and Philly? Time to fill out an company expense report for the first time Sal.
2:42: Reason # 5,765 I love the NFL Draft: Under Armor commercials. They make me feel like running through a wall or something. I might do that if it follows the Jets picking Ghoulston.
2:45: Ok, time for the obligatory Darren McFadden character issue discussion. I loved Mort talking about this earlier. “Matt Leinhert has a child out of wedlock. Tom Brady has a child out of wedlock. It’s not uncommon in the NFL.” I can’t get any love Mort? I’m a successful IT consultant. My favorite thing I’ve learned in this whole D Mac character issue is that he has one brother that was a Blood, one was a Crip. In the words of Ron Burgundy, “I’m not even mad. I’m impressed.” How does that happen? Oh yeah, his mom was a crackhead. And no one mentioned that one of the fights he got in was at a dueling piano bar. I’d be more concerned if he didn’t get in a fight at a dueling piano bar.
2:49: Glad ESPN got Chris Carter on the payroll. Since Michael Irvin was fired, they’ve been missing a definitive source for drug problems.
2:50: Keyshawn’s outfit? Gray jacket, pink tie, black/white flannel shirt. I cannot begin to find words to describe it.
2:55: Jake Long is going # 1 and Chris Long 2. ESPN should bring Jay Bilas on board today just to talk about all the length in the room today.
3:00: They just mentioned Jumbo Elliot. Worth noting that he got in a bar fight and broke a window at a bar a mile from my parents house. Or not worth noting, I don’t care.
3:01: Since Suzy Kolber is interviewing Jake Long, it’s worth noting that if you want an draft blog that’s actually funny, go to Kissing Suzy Kolber.
3:04: Here comes Roger Goddell. And Jets fans are already booing. Wow, we’re 2 minutes in and they already have a pick made. Rog wasn’t kidding when he said this would be streamlined.
3:07: Brock just texted me saying he wanted Miami to take Matt Ryan. I concur. As long as Jake Long was not in on the joke. And he was crying. That would have been the highlight of my year so far.
3:08: God dammit, they just showed Brady Quinn and Lindy from last year. I want to forget that at much as possible.
3:12: The most underrated thing that no one talks about is the sexual innuendo that gets mentioned. Especially defensive line players. How they “get off” the line of scrimmage. Their ability to get “penetration”. Constantly “double and tripled teamed.” I’ll try not to think of this ever again.
3:17: If Chris Berman tries to work the word “long” into conversation as much as possible, I might end this early. I don’t have NFL Network.
3:18: Another thing that doesn’t come up often as to why I love the NFL Draft: Female reporters. As the day goes on and I drink more and more, they get hotter and hotter. I might need to drink straight shots through the whole first round for Holly Rowe to get hot.
3:20: Steve Young has never not advocated for a team either getting a quarterback, or if they have an established QB, an wide receiver for him. Atlanta goes with Matt Ryan. He continues the trend of Irish Catholic quarterbacks from Catholic schools dressing like they’re gay. I’m not a big fan of this new trend.
3:30: FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK. Fuck you Al Davis. I hate you. If the Raiders ever get it together, a Black and Silver McFadden jersey will be by far the best selling jersey. It will already be the most bad ass jersey in the league.
3:35: Glen Dorsey is on the phone with Kansas City. He’s now crying. God dammit. Gholston is on the top of the board for the Jets. Herm Edwards will like his emotions since he’s crying.
3:40: Please trade down, please trade down, please trade down.
3:41: Please don’t take Gholston, please don’t take Gholston, please don’t take Gholston. I’m pretty sure he’ll be a bust. Someone on KSK said that the Jets have the sixth pick in a 5 player draft. I agree.
3:44: Mel Kiper just said that the intensity with Gholston wavered game to game. The idiot Jets fans are chanting for him. Even Herbstreit said he only had one good game. Jaws ripped him.
3:47: I hate life right now. I like using the sixth pick for a guy who’s intensity has been questioned by everyone and is rumored to be on ‘roids. FUCK!
3:53: My good friend Jack has been brought out. I need it right now.
3:54: And the Pats traded down. There’s a reason they’re the best organization in the league.
3:56: Sedrick Ellis to the Saints. I guess they were satisfied with the last Trojan they took.
3:57: Jacksonville traded up? Wow.
3:59: We have our first Mel Kiper reach comment. He’s the absolute best. He’s not involved nearly enough in this today.
4:03: Derrick Harvey. Ok, I’m officially at the point where I don’t have too much opinion on guys. Mel Kiper doesn’t like the pick. That’s good enough for me. Berman questioned Kiper’s Big Board. He did not take that well.
4:15: Jets fans boo the Patriots pick. We’re all about losing the war but winning minor battles.
4:17: I’ve finally figured out Keyshawn’s outfit. In the words of Barry Pepper in The 25th Hour, “Do the ladies tell you to look like an optical illusion?”
4:21: Leodis McKelvin gets picked by Buffalo. With McFadden, us Micks are doing well in this draft. Wait, they’re not really Irish?
4:22: For some reason, they’re playing “Rocky Mountain High”. That John Denver, he’s full of shit.
4:22: Let’s hope Jonathan Stewart can get out of his contract from the Daily Show and fix his toe so he can play for the Panthers.
4:34: Anyone else excited for E:60 talking to Mike Tyson? Pretty much anything Mike Tyson is involved in I will want to watch. In fact, let’s go to youtube and start looking for Mike Tyson stuff since I’m done watching McFadden on youtube.
4:39: If we’re going to go on a run of tackles, I might be passing out sooner than I though.
4:41: Wait, Sal Palantonio has been around the Eagles a lot in the past few months? You’re kidding me. Anyway, the Lions are up and not one WR has been selected yet. C’mon Devin Thomas.
4:47: Kansas City takes Branden Albert, another offensive lineman.
5:00: Gosder Cherilus? Who the fuck is that? That’s really someone’s name?
5:01: If you can’t tell, this episode has been losing steam for awhile. I’m just trying to get through the Washington, Dallas, Pittsburgh picks.
5:04: Ummm…I’m assuming the girl next to Joe Flacco is his girlfriend. And she’s not that hot. If it’s his sister, I apologize.
5:10: Uh oh, Philly is on the clock. Cue Rocky music. Booing will ensue.
5:11: “Yes, Andy Reid can jump.” First funny thing Berman has said all day. Philly trades down.
5:13: Another tackle? This draft sucks.
5:15: Keyshawn and Steve Young get into an argument while Goddell introduces our armed forces and ESPN doesn’t cut them off. Classy, ESPN.
5:32: The Redskins traded their pick? I’m not ready for a conservative Dan Snyder.
5:41: Jerry Jones taking Felix Jones was the most predictable thing in this draft so far.
I’m not really sure what happened after 5:41. I think I went to take a nap but didn’t fall asleep. I was still pissed about the Gholston pick that I decided, “Hey, continuing drinking sounds like a good idea.” And this ended with me in a cab at 3:30 in the morning with the cab driver telling me how he goes to Romania every year to pick up hookers for $30. Yup, that seems about right for me.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Why I Want McFadden
Three hours ‘til the draft kicks off (this 3 pm start time is bullshit). Three hours ‘til the climax of Tankapalooza 2007. Back in November, I started campaigning for my Jets to continue losing so they could get Arkansas running back Darren McFadden. Of course, the Jets couldn’t even lose right and went on to beat the Steelers the next week and won the final game of their season. So they got stuck with the sixth pick. I had resigned myself to them at least getting some D line help. But here we are, April 26th, and there is a chance that McFadden could go to the Jets. Steve Serby had an excellent column in this mornings Post saying that the Jets need to pick McFadden. I will try and duplicate that by giving my own reasons why I want McFadden.
Getting McFadden has never been about filling a need. The Jets got their running back last year when they traded for Thomas Jones. What McFadden represents is a new face of the franchise. If you asked me right now, I’d say the backup fucking quarterback is still the first player that jumps into everyone’s heads when they think Jets. Quickly followed by a laugh that that player can only throw the ball 15 yards (More likely, they think of Jets fans: Annoying chant and yell at girls to take their tops off at halftime. Yet, I digress.). Pick McFadden, everyone will know who the franchise is.
Secondly, McFadden will give the Jets their first home run hitter since I’ve been following them. Wayne Chrebet was good, but he wasn’t taking it to the house. Even when they drafted Keyshawn number 1, he was still looked at as more of a possession receiver. McFadden instantly moves into that handful of players in the NFL who you pay attention every time they touch the football (Off the top of my head: Moss, Purple Jesus, Steve Smith, Reggie Bush (because no matter how many times you’ve seen him run 15 yards to get a 2 yard gain, you still think USC Reggie will emerge eventually), Chad Johnson, Jones-Drew, Tomlinson, Grandmama, Portis, Fast Willie, TO, Marion Barber, Maroney (only because I will yell out ‘KOOOOOOL-AID’ even if it is for only 3 yards), and Devin Hester, who forces you to watch all 3rd downs in Bears games hoping that the other team will have to punt. I’m probably leaving someone off, but that’s what you get from a guy with multiple concussions.). I’ve already accepted that as long as Brady and Belichick are in New England, the Jets will probably not win an AFC East crown. But dammit, at least give me some hope. Getting McFadden allows me to believe that he’ll bust off 80 yards at any given time to win the game. Picking a fucking offensive lineman does not. Is this about making the Jets a better team? Not really. It’s about getting a playmaker for the first time in awhile. So if they’re not going to win the whole thing, at least entertain me.
Finally, it would let me forget about this (This is my favorite youtube video of them all. I will laugh my ass of even after 100 viewings. This is so good, they played this on the radio the other day. You don’t even need to see the visuals. My favorite part is when every Jet fan starts groaning before they even announce the pick. Just the position was enough to set them off.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZxNeFLuY98. It would allow me for at least one year, not dread the Jets pick. I’ve been mentally preparing myself for picking Vernon Gholston all week so I don’t turn homicidal when they waste the sixth pick on a guy who has great combine stats, but played only one good game all year (and that was against Michigan, which doesn’t really count. In fact all good games against Big Ten should have an asterisk.) A month ago, I was convinced that they would be taking another fucking offensive lineman. I’d like to not have feelings of dread on one of my favorite days all year. It’s like being an 8 year old on Christmas with a creepy uncle. Sure, you get a bunch of presents, so you’re looking forward to that. But you know you’re going to have to go to grandma’s house, and your uncle will definitely be there. It’s not enough to ruin Christmas for you, but it does put a damper on what should be a tremendous day. Alright, 2 and a half hours left. I’m going to start removing all sharp objects from my apartment.
Getting McFadden has never been about filling a need. The Jets got their running back last year when they traded for Thomas Jones. What McFadden represents is a new face of the franchise. If you asked me right now, I’d say the backup fucking quarterback is still the first player that jumps into everyone’s heads when they think Jets. Quickly followed by a laugh that that player can only throw the ball 15 yards (More likely, they think of Jets fans: Annoying chant and yell at girls to take their tops off at halftime. Yet, I digress.). Pick McFadden, everyone will know who the franchise is.
Secondly, McFadden will give the Jets their first home run hitter since I’ve been following them. Wayne Chrebet was good, but he wasn’t taking it to the house. Even when they drafted Keyshawn number 1, he was still looked at as more of a possession receiver. McFadden instantly moves into that handful of players in the NFL who you pay attention every time they touch the football (Off the top of my head: Moss, Purple Jesus, Steve Smith, Reggie Bush (because no matter how many times you’ve seen him run 15 yards to get a 2 yard gain, you still think USC Reggie will emerge eventually), Chad Johnson, Jones-Drew, Tomlinson, Grandmama, Portis, Fast Willie, TO, Marion Barber, Maroney (only because I will yell out ‘KOOOOOOL-AID’ even if it is for only 3 yards), and Devin Hester, who forces you to watch all 3rd downs in Bears games hoping that the other team will have to punt. I’m probably leaving someone off, but that’s what you get from a guy with multiple concussions.). I’ve already accepted that as long as Brady and Belichick are in New England, the Jets will probably not win an AFC East crown. But dammit, at least give me some hope. Getting McFadden allows me to believe that he’ll bust off 80 yards at any given time to win the game. Picking a fucking offensive lineman does not. Is this about making the Jets a better team? Not really. It’s about getting a playmaker for the first time in awhile. So if they’re not going to win the whole thing, at least entertain me.
Finally, it would let me forget about this (This is my favorite youtube video of them all. I will laugh my ass of even after 100 viewings. This is so good, they played this on the radio the other day. You don’t even need to see the visuals. My favorite part is when every Jet fan starts groaning before they even announce the pick. Just the position was enough to set them off.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZxNeFLuY98. It would allow me for at least one year, not dread the Jets pick. I’ve been mentally preparing myself for picking Vernon Gholston all week so I don’t turn homicidal when they waste the sixth pick on a guy who has great combine stats, but played only one good game all year (and that was against Michigan, which doesn’t really count. In fact all good games against Big Ten should have an asterisk.) A month ago, I was convinced that they would be taking another fucking offensive lineman. I’d like to not have feelings of dread on one of my favorite days all year. It’s like being an 8 year old on Christmas with a creepy uncle. Sure, you get a bunch of presents, so you’re looking forward to that. But you know you’re going to have to go to grandma’s house, and your uncle will definitely be there. It’s not enough to ruin Christmas for you, but it does put a damper on what should be a tremendous day. Alright, 2 and a half hours left. I’m going to start removing all sharp objects from my apartment.
Jalen Rose Totally Redeems the Josh Howard Issue
Earlier in the week, I noted that Chuck called the Wizards the “dumbest team in the history of Western civilization.” He might have to take that back because Josh Howard might have single handedly put the Mavs over the top with his comments about weed. Not because he actually smokes (An NBA player smokes weed when not playing? No way. You have to be joking. I thought they spent their offseasons visiting the Land of Gumdrops and Chocolate Kisses. In case you can’t tell, I’m being sarcastic.), but when he did this. You’re down 2-0 in the first round and this is the day you decide to make this admission? You’re pretty much asking for the other teams fans to go nuts on you. Alright, I’ll get off my soap box and get to the two good things that came out of this.
First is that he did this on the Michael Irvin Show on Dallas radio. If you asked me which radio show an NBA player would admit to smoking weed on, Michael Irvin’s would be my first, second, third and possibly fourth picks. I’m glad ESPN was able to find a way to keep Michael Irvin employed because you never know when you’ll need someone caught with coke and strippers to ask drug related questions.
Second was that it allowed Jalen Rose to show off his sheer brilliance. Here’s what his thoughts were on the situation. “To quote the philosopher David Chappelle, this is an example of when keeping it real goes wrong.” There is nothing I can say that will come close to that, so I’ll end this.
First is that he did this on the Michael Irvin Show on Dallas radio. If you asked me which radio show an NBA player would admit to smoking weed on, Michael Irvin’s would be my first, second, third and possibly fourth picks. I’m glad ESPN was able to find a way to keep Michael Irvin employed because you never know when you’ll need someone caught with coke and strippers to ask drug related questions.
Second was that it allowed Jalen Rose to show off his sheer brilliance. Here’s what his thoughts were on the situation. “To quote the philosopher David Chappelle, this is an example of when keeping it real goes wrong.” There is nothing I can say that will come close to that, so I’ll end this.
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