And if you want to substitute power for ‘alcohol’ that would be a better assessment of me today. It’s about 10:30 in the morning and I still have a buzz going. Did I mention that I’m in charge of a $6 million a year project today? Everyone else is out and they left ol’ drunkie in charge. At least I haven’t thrown up yet. That’s a positive.
So how did I get in this precarious situation? I left the office at 4:30 to go to happy hour. Wait, not happy hour exactly. I met up with the Stan Man and Em to go to Stan Man’s apartment to pregame happy hour. The three of us have decided that we spend too much money at happy hours if we show up sober, so we showed some fiscal responsibility by having 4 shots of tequila and a few beers before going out. We went to the said happy hour which had karaoke. I was adamant about singing Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab.” Unfortunately, they did not have this is their play list. I was disappointed and some expletives may have been thrown out by me. We left the bar around 9 and figured that since the night was young, we’d go back to Stan’s place drink some more beers. Never being one to argue that sound logic, I countered that we were out of beers and needed to pick some up. We went back, did more shots and watched Super Troopers. I estimate I fell asleep at around midnight on Stan’s couch. (Remember that part earlier about not throwing up at work yet. Scratch that. Just had to take a break to go puke up Mountain Dew and water.)
I came in this morning wearing Stan’s shirt (a size too big for me) and the same everything else as yesterday. I was told that I “look rough” when I got in this morning (while I had my shirt and tie from yesterday in my hand) and people have moved away from me on the elevator because apparently I reek of booze. And I’m in charge today. Lovely.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Who's Barney - Round 1
After two weeks of anxious debate amongst all of America, I’m back to reveal who’s the most Barney. Remember our rules: there are none. It’s completely arbitrary. And so, let’s begin. Our guest judges are the honorable Colin Farrell (winner of the imaginary Who’s Barney movie star edition), Daryl Strawberry (winner of the first ever sports Who’s Barney) and Wayne Chrebet (another multi year winner). And Barney himself gets to decide 90% of it, so let’s face it, they’re comments mean nothing. Some times I won’t even let them make comments: Let’s get it started with Daryl’s region:
1st Round:
Greg Oden vs. John Daly
Farrell: No contest. John Daly. He drinks like an Irishman
Chrebet: Where am I? Is that you Chad?
Barney: I’d have to agree with the honorable Mr. Ferrell. Any alcoholic, degenerate gambler and whatever else he has going on, and still can have a lead at The PGA Championship is ok in my book. Daly takes this one.
Strawberry: Greg, you can improve for next year’s contest. That pic of you dancing is allegedly your girlfriend. Dancing with a girl who looks like she forgot to put on her pants is a plus in Barney’s book. Keep that up, maybe do some cocaine and blog some more, and you’ll be on to the next round next year.
1st Round:
Greg Oden vs. John Daly
Farrell: No contest. John Daly. He drinks like an Irishman
Chrebet: Where am I? Is that you Chad?
Barney: I’d have to agree with the honorable Mr. Ferrell. Any alcoholic, degenerate gambler and whatever else he has going on, and still can have a lead at The PGA Championship is ok in my book. Daly takes this one.
Strawberry: Greg, you can improve for next year’s contest. That pic of you dancing is allegedly your girlfriend. Dancing with a girl who looks like she forgot to put on her pants is a plus in Barney’s book. Keep that up, maybe do some cocaine and blog some more, and you’ll be on to the next round next year.
SPENCER HAWES vs. Mike Vick
Chrebet: By the power invested in me by Herman Edwards, I pronounce SPENCER HAWES the winner by default. Mr. Vick is ineligible for his recent guilty plea.
Farrell: Bloody hell, Herman Edwards holds no sway in Barney’s World.
Barney: Thank you Colin. May that be a reminder to you Wayne. Never speak the name Herman Edwards or Rich Kotite in this episode again.
Strawberry: Mike Vick, now better known as “Ookie” has thrown away a career in a fashion not seen since my own. I go with the Ookster.
Barney: Now, now Daryl. I know him better as Ron Mexico. Let’s not forget about that little episode.
Farrell: As he said in his commercial, “That’s not in the playbook, but it should be.” I wish I had that play in my playbook every time I get accused of giving someone herpes or knocking them up.
Barney: That settles it, Mike Vick goes into round 2, but his new name in the Who’s Barney competition is Ron Mexico.
On to the Doc Gooden region:
Stephen Jackson vs. Manny Ramirez
Farrell: Jackson by a landslide. He makes love to pressure. I make love to every one in Hollywood. He frequents strip clubs, another staple of mine.
Chrebet: Jackson has less brain cells than me.
Farrell: Plus you could call him Man-Ram if you wanted to. You know us Irish don’t get down like that.
Barney: That settles it, the utterly insane Stephen Jackson moves on.
Gilbert Arenas vs. Rasheed Wallace
Strawberry: When he said “Let’s get drunk and make bad decisions”, I’d have to agree with him on that. That was me the better part of the 1990s. There were a lot of bad decisions there.
Barney: I love Sheed, but he’s no match for Gilbert’s Swag. The discussion is over.
Let’s now move on to the Riggins region.
Darren McFadden vs. Ricky Davis
Farrell: Ricky Davis is the only person I’ve met who can drink with me.
Strawberry: I go with McFadden. If DJ had gone to Minnesota to play with him, my sobriety would be an issue again.
Barney: It’s McFadden. No questions asked. Have you seen his car?
Chris Andersen vs. Clinton Portis
Barney: Another no brainer. Portis just declared himself 93.6% ready for the season. His boyhood dreams of being a fireman taught him to know his body very well.
On to the Chrebet region. Anything you’d like to say Wayne?
Chrebet: Keyshawn, I see we meet again. You were on Who’s Now, I have Who’s Barney. I’d just like to point out for the record that I never got cut from an NFL team, not did I told that my team would perform better without me showing up.
Barney: Thanks Wayne, way to treat Keyshawn like the douche that he is.
Ron Artest vs. Zach Randolph
Farrell: Zach’s fondness for strippers is key for me. Who hasn’t ran a train on someone and taken them to see classical music. I did that all the time back in Dublin.
Strawberry: These are two people who would probably benefit from being on drugs. Mostly Ron Ron.
Barney: For all me and Ron Ron have been through, I’m not ready to vote him out just yet. Plus he’s going to Chad this summer, so I’m sure we’ll have more fun stories.
Rob Dyrdek vs. Chad Johnson:
Chrebet: As opposed to Keyshawn’s antics, Mr. Ocho Cinco’s are refreshing and amusing. A wide receiver who loves the game almost as much as me.
Farrell: Rob told a dating service he only dates “Dime piece strippers.” If that’s not me, I don’t know what is.
Strawberry: I’ve seen girls in Cincinnati, there are few dime pieces there.
Barney: Hold on there fellas, Rob owns a mini horse, Chad raced and beat a real horse. Chad wins in a landslide. Plus it sets up a second round match up of Ron Ron versus the country he’s about to visit. I smell a storyline.
Ok, to summarize here are the second round match ups, with a date TBD:
Daly vs. Mexico
Jackson vs. Arenas
McFadden vs. Portis
Artest vs. Johnson
Thanks for joining us and wasting 15 minutes of you life.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Ron Ron Speaks, Joins the Free Ookie Campaign
Looks like I got my boy Ron Ron to support the Free Ookie campaign:
http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2995888
I love how NBA players who are obviously not all there (Artest, Marbury) and their opinions on Vick are somehow newsworthy. I can only hope they continue this trend and ask NBA Players their opinions on current events. I can just see the headlines:
Artest Believes Global Warming is a Hoax
K-Mart: Sen. Craig Should Resign
Suns' Stoudemire Endores Chertoff for AG
Immigration Debate Set Between Wolves' Davis, Madsen
SG Damon Jones Opposes Devaluation of Yuan
Someone should make this happen. If this blog had a shread of jounalistic integrity, I might start, but alas, I do not.
http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2995888
I love how NBA players who are obviously not all there (Artest, Marbury) and their opinions on Vick are somehow newsworthy. I can only hope they continue this trend and ask NBA Players their opinions on current events. I can just see the headlines:
Artest Believes Global Warming is a Hoax
K-Mart: Sen. Craig Should Resign
Suns' Stoudemire Endores Chertoff for AG
Immigration Debate Set Between Wolves' Davis, Madsen
SG Damon Jones Opposes Devaluation of Yuan
Someone should make this happen. If this blog had a shread of jounalistic integrity, I might start, but alas, I do not.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Weekend Musings
I thought I had a brilliant idea. Usually when I’m too hungover from the night before to get out of bed on the weekend, and don’t have anything particularly important to do, I try the hair of the dog method of dealing with it, and start drinking bourbon. FYI, I’ve started this at 7:30 am occasionally. So Friday at work was so bad that I came home and just started housing bourbon. I probably had about 300 mL in an hour on an empty stomach. This was sufficient to make me pass out for a half hour, which after I woke up, realized I wasn’t going to fall back asleep decided that the best course of action would be to go drink some more. I went to this bar that had the greatest thing ever: Jack on the rock for $7.50. Normally this would be outrageous until you realize that they filled up a 12 oz plastic cup. Then it’s the best deal ever. So after two of those, I was sufficiently hammered to go meet up with some girls from work. I’m not really sure why I was there, but I think I just needed to go out somewhere (a great explanation if I’ve ever heard it.) Next thing I know its 3 am and I’m at some diner (that’s the honest truth; I do not remember anything between 1 and 3).
So waking up on Saturday was painful. Too painful in fact to deal with it, so the ingestion of liquor begins. Usually, this is an effective way of dealing with it if A) you have several hours to kill and B) You ingest plenty of Gatorade, water and juice along with the liquor. Unfortunately, I didn’t do B. So I ended up walking into the supermarket about 6 o’clock and going right to the bathroom and puking. I thought I got it all out, but upon pulling up to my place, vomited what appeared to be pure stomach acid in the parking lot. I’m going ashy to classy, baby. This whole episode had me reconsidering if I should be drinking anymore. By 9 pm however, I was back on the horse. And boy was it great. (I know all three of you reading this were enthralled by my description of a drinking experience that I neither remember nor was very interesting besides puking in a supermarket. Don’t worry, you’ll get those three minutes of your life back eventually. It’ll be made up during my intervention when you can site this as an example without having to describe everything.)
Other stuff from the weekend:
The highlight of the weekend was hearing Bill Walton in the second half of the US-Canada game. The US was up 30, 40 points and they needed to kill time. Bill had this gem: “Though this isn’t Canada’s proudest moment, let us not forget the impact they’ve had on our lives.” He then proceeded to list all the inventions that Canadians have done. Even better in the Canadian fun facts was when he said that Canada had the second largest land area behind, “The Soviet Union.” Apparently the Cold War is still going on in Bill’s head. He’s still my favorite announcer, at least for 40 point blow outs.
Saw Superbad. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed as hard as in the first 30 minutes of that movie. It probably would have been even more enjoyable if I hadn’t drunk a few shots before going in and had to piss like a racehorse the last 30 minutes. I was trying to not laugh and piss myself. Plus, high school Barney can identify with the plot of having to find alcohol and trying to hook up with high school girls (It was basically just like any of my high school nights. Don’t get the right kind of alcohol. Get way too drunk because I haven’t figured out drinking yet. Don’t hook up with anyone because of it. Walk around a neighborhood.) I probably enjoyed that more than most, because sober Barney is still just like Evan in that movie around girls. No wonder I drink so much. I’m a blundering idiot at times.
The worst part of the weekend was having to pay $400 to get new tires and a few other things done to my car so I could pass the state safety inspection. Was not expecting that much of a hit. Fuckin A man. The only redeemable thing is that listening to the new UGK album makes me think I’m driving a caddy on 26s with candy paint instead of the piece of shit Lumina I have. For three minutes or so, I forget that I’m driving a car for 80 year olds. I highly recommend it (the UGK album, not the purchase of a Lumina).
So waking up on Saturday was painful. Too painful in fact to deal with it, so the ingestion of liquor begins. Usually, this is an effective way of dealing with it if A) you have several hours to kill and B) You ingest plenty of Gatorade, water and juice along with the liquor. Unfortunately, I didn’t do B. So I ended up walking into the supermarket about 6 o’clock and going right to the bathroom and puking. I thought I got it all out, but upon pulling up to my place, vomited what appeared to be pure stomach acid in the parking lot. I’m going ashy to classy, baby. This whole episode had me reconsidering if I should be drinking anymore. By 9 pm however, I was back on the horse. And boy was it great. (I know all three of you reading this were enthralled by my description of a drinking experience that I neither remember nor was very interesting besides puking in a supermarket. Don’t worry, you’ll get those three minutes of your life back eventually. It’ll be made up during my intervention when you can site this as an example without having to describe everything.)
Other stuff from the weekend:
The highlight of the weekend was hearing Bill Walton in the second half of the US-Canada game. The US was up 30, 40 points and they needed to kill time. Bill had this gem: “Though this isn’t Canada’s proudest moment, let us not forget the impact they’ve had on our lives.” He then proceeded to list all the inventions that Canadians have done. Even better in the Canadian fun facts was when he said that Canada had the second largest land area behind, “The Soviet Union.” Apparently the Cold War is still going on in Bill’s head. He’s still my favorite announcer, at least for 40 point blow outs.
Saw Superbad. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed as hard as in the first 30 minutes of that movie. It probably would have been even more enjoyable if I hadn’t drunk a few shots before going in and had to piss like a racehorse the last 30 minutes. I was trying to not laugh and piss myself. Plus, high school Barney can identify with the plot of having to find alcohol and trying to hook up with high school girls (It was basically just like any of my high school nights. Don’t get the right kind of alcohol. Get way too drunk because I haven’t figured out drinking yet. Don’t hook up with anyone because of it. Walk around a neighborhood.) I probably enjoyed that more than most, because sober Barney is still just like Evan in that movie around girls. No wonder I drink so much. I’m a blundering idiot at times.
The worst part of the weekend was having to pay $400 to get new tires and a few other things done to my car so I could pass the state safety inspection. Was not expecting that much of a hit. Fuckin A man. The only redeemable thing is that listening to the new UGK album makes me think I’m driving a caddy on 26s with candy paint instead of the piece of shit Lumina I have. For three minutes or so, I forget that I’m driving a car for 80 year olds. I highly recommend it (the UGK album, not the purchase of a Lumina).
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Return of Spree
If you've like me, you wonder what's going on with Latrell Spreewell on a weekly basis. Well, we have an update: http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=650452
We now know that his boat has been repossessed. And yes, that boat is named "Milwaukee's Best".
We now know that his boat has been repossessed. And yes, that boat is named "Milwaukee's Best".
Ahh, athletes and their boats in the Midwest. Do they ever fail to entertain? I'm pissed I didn't get to the stadium earlier on Saturday so I could applaud Fred Smoot during intros for his fine work on the Vikings ship.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Barney goes to a football game, Drinking ensues
On Wednesday night, fate smiled on this blogger as I was given a random opportunity to go to the Redskins-Steelers preseason game. A girl I work with had an extra ticket and asked me not thinking I’d really say yes. Little does she know that I’d be willing to put up with someone I’ve talked to 10 minutes total in our time on the project together for 4+ hours in order to watch a meaningless preseason game. She severely underestimated my need for football, alcohol and a diversion from the soul crushing job I have. Ha, I just put down $300 in order to join a pool just so I can have a rooting interest in every game every week (I’m a little too excited about this. 4 points riding on the Texans-Titans showdown in late December? Sure why not). I’d electrocute a dog for some preseason tickets at this point. She tried one more time to get out of it by saying, “Just to warn you, I’ll probably be smashed the entire time.” Like this would dissuade me even a little. She really doesn’t know me. Anyway, I feel the need to write about this game without giving any indication as to my true scouting I did (must keep absolute secrecy until Labor Day weekend and the fantasy draft).
Kick off is at 8, arriving to tail gate at 4, meeting said co-worker at 3, let’s start drinking at 2. I went with the choice of straight Jack because at this point, I’m fairly certain I cannot get drunk off of beer that is less than 7%. The thought of being stuck with cheap light beer (a likely choice) scares me some what, so I feel the need to pregame a 4 hour pregame. I might have a bit of a drinking problem.
Forgot to mention that this co-worker is a Steelers fan, as are the rest of the people I’ll be attending with. Why God chose to taunt me by constantly putting me around Steeler fans is beyond me. I’m still bitter about the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets playoff loss in 2004 and half of my friends that I talk football with are now Steeler fans. I don’t know how this is possible since I’ve never been within 200 miles of Pittsburgh.
I will say this though, I do respect Steeler fans. I’d say 35% of the crowd was wearing black and yellow and Redskins fans are pretty hardcore. Just a tremendous fan base that is destined to piss me off.
At least this co-worker is one of the few females who can actually talk football with. There’s one in my office who considers herself a die-hard Broncos fan who asked me “How many cornerbacks do teams have?” (This did lead to my favorite quote of the off-season. I told her that they picked up Dre Bly and she asked me why since they already have Champ Bailey. Without hesitation, I replied, “Because your other one was killed in a drive by shooting.” I still don’t know if I should feel guilty about that quote.)
Of course, it wouldn’t be like me to just have seats fall into my lap. No, these seats had to be awful, even though we were in the lower level. It was in the last 10 rows of the lower level, so the upper level was overhanging us. I could not see the scoreboard without moving my head three feet. Added onto that was the fact that there was a pole directly in front of us. I couldn’t see one of the end zones. I thought they did away with those things in modern stadiums. This isn’t the old Boston Garden.
Despite my awful luck again, I wasn’t too upset. The one thing about preseason games is that there is absolutely no urgency. I was just there to drink beers and watch football. It could have been a high school game for all I cared.
The one person who didn’t get the memo that it was a preseason game was the guy sitting next to us. After Jason Campbell got hurt, he was screaming at the D Lineman to die. That’s right, he telling another man he should fear for his life during a freakin’ preseason game. This wouldn’t have been warranted if Campbell has torn his ACL, never mind just a bruised knee.
The girl I was with went to Penn State, so we started talking about those games. I could talk to anyone from a major college telling me about their football experiences. I really regret going to a school with no football team. Two Thanksgivings ago, I almost berated my cousin who went to Florida for how good she had it. I held back because I felt bad for spending half of Thanksgiving dinner texting my brother back and forth as to the quality of education Florida had. We both laughed out loud at the table when someone commented on the difficultly getting into that school was. I think the best line my brother had was, “I could get into UF doing my SATs and application drunk while getting my dick sucked.” I commented back “Bullshit, the hardest part in that is keeping it up for the entire SATs, not the actual application.” And him and I wonder why the rest of our family looks at us weird.
After getting enough in me, thoughts like this started running through my head: “OK Barney, you might have a chance tonight. However, would this help or hurt your chances of her hooking you up with Penn St-Notre Dame tickets that she talked about earlier?” I’m pathetic. I was more concerned with getting hooked up with tickets rather than pussy. And you wonder why I was recently told I’d be 35 and single if I didn’t change. Oh well, that’s nothing some bourbon won’t cure.
Anyway, this was all for naught as our ride back (a couple that she was friends with) decided A) it was a good time to get in a fight and not talk to each other and B) to put a chair in the middle of the backseat. Because plastic chairs are a tremendous aphrodisiac. I’m now getting cock-blocked by inanimate objects. Lovely.
Ok, I think that’s it. I woke up Sunday, decided that I didn’t want to deal with the hangover on Sunday, so I started drinking at 10:30 and put off the hangover til Monday. (that fuck you that you just heard was from my liver).
I guess I have to concede that the Free Ookie campaign is done. Since he’s done with the Falcons, I guess I’m going to start pushing my other big idea…that he not play quarterback. Some team should sign him for the minimum and use him how the Jets use Brad Smith. You will not be disappointed. Peter King touched on two things today that made sense. 1. He re-ran his comments after Vick’s playoff game in Green Bay. I remember watching that game thinking I was watching the future of football. Now, it’ll just be a reminder of lost potential. 2. A lot more attention is being paid to Vick than Darrent Williams’s death. Because apparently people care more about cruelty to dogs than humans. And for the record I had the idea of putting him at running back on Sunday and didn’t get it from this article.
I’m not ready to discuss Chad Pennington’s performance on Friday night. Two interceptions for touchdowns had me hitting the bottle even harder on Friday. Please have the regular season start soon so I don’t have to worry about games that don’t matter.
And finally, Steeler fans might have a recent championship and travel all over to support their team, but they have the gayest mascot ever…Steely McBeam:
http://news.steelers.com/article/79593/
That’s the gayest thing since gay went to Gaytown. It reminds me of that time on The Simpsons where Homer finds out that the whole steel industry is gay. I wish I hadn’t been too drunk to remember finding out about ol’ Steely last week. I would have gotten my ass kicked but laughed my ass off. I feel almost redeemed from the playoff loss a few years ago.
Kick off is at 8, arriving to tail gate at 4, meeting said co-worker at 3, let’s start drinking at 2. I went with the choice of straight Jack because at this point, I’m fairly certain I cannot get drunk off of beer that is less than 7%. The thought of being stuck with cheap light beer (a likely choice) scares me some what, so I feel the need to pregame a 4 hour pregame. I might have a bit of a drinking problem.
Forgot to mention that this co-worker is a Steelers fan, as are the rest of the people I’ll be attending with. Why God chose to taunt me by constantly putting me around Steeler fans is beyond me. I’m still bitter about the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets playoff loss in 2004 and half of my friends that I talk football with are now Steeler fans. I don’t know how this is possible since I’ve never been within 200 miles of Pittsburgh.
I will say this though, I do respect Steeler fans. I’d say 35% of the crowd was wearing black and yellow and Redskins fans are pretty hardcore. Just a tremendous fan base that is destined to piss me off.
At least this co-worker is one of the few females who can actually talk football with. There’s one in my office who considers herself a die-hard Broncos fan who asked me “How many cornerbacks do teams have?” (This did lead to my favorite quote of the off-season. I told her that they picked up Dre Bly and she asked me why since they already have Champ Bailey. Without hesitation, I replied, “Because your other one was killed in a drive by shooting.” I still don’t know if I should feel guilty about that quote.)
Of course, it wouldn’t be like me to just have seats fall into my lap. No, these seats had to be awful, even though we were in the lower level. It was in the last 10 rows of the lower level, so the upper level was overhanging us. I could not see the scoreboard without moving my head three feet. Added onto that was the fact that there was a pole directly in front of us. I couldn’t see one of the end zones. I thought they did away with those things in modern stadiums. This isn’t the old Boston Garden.
Despite my awful luck again, I wasn’t too upset. The one thing about preseason games is that there is absolutely no urgency. I was just there to drink beers and watch football. It could have been a high school game for all I cared.
The one person who didn’t get the memo that it was a preseason game was the guy sitting next to us. After Jason Campbell got hurt, he was screaming at the D Lineman to die. That’s right, he telling another man he should fear for his life during a freakin’ preseason game. This wouldn’t have been warranted if Campbell has torn his ACL, never mind just a bruised knee.
The girl I was with went to Penn State, so we started talking about those games. I could talk to anyone from a major college telling me about their football experiences. I really regret going to a school with no football team. Two Thanksgivings ago, I almost berated my cousin who went to Florida for how good she had it. I held back because I felt bad for spending half of Thanksgiving dinner texting my brother back and forth as to the quality of education Florida had. We both laughed out loud at the table when someone commented on the difficultly getting into that school was. I think the best line my brother had was, “I could get into UF doing my SATs and application drunk while getting my dick sucked.” I commented back “Bullshit, the hardest part in that is keeping it up for the entire SATs, not the actual application.” And him and I wonder why the rest of our family looks at us weird.
After getting enough in me, thoughts like this started running through my head: “OK Barney, you might have a chance tonight. However, would this help or hurt your chances of her hooking you up with Penn St-Notre Dame tickets that she talked about earlier?” I’m pathetic. I was more concerned with getting hooked up with tickets rather than pussy. And you wonder why I was recently told I’d be 35 and single if I didn’t change. Oh well, that’s nothing some bourbon won’t cure.
Anyway, this was all for naught as our ride back (a couple that she was friends with) decided A) it was a good time to get in a fight and not talk to each other and B) to put a chair in the middle of the backseat. Because plastic chairs are a tremendous aphrodisiac. I’m now getting cock-blocked by inanimate objects. Lovely.
Ok, I think that’s it. I woke up Sunday, decided that I didn’t want to deal with the hangover on Sunday, so I started drinking at 10:30 and put off the hangover til Monday. (that fuck you that you just heard was from my liver).
I guess I have to concede that the Free Ookie campaign is done. Since he’s done with the Falcons, I guess I’m going to start pushing my other big idea…that he not play quarterback. Some team should sign him for the minimum and use him how the Jets use Brad Smith. You will not be disappointed. Peter King touched on two things today that made sense. 1. He re-ran his comments after Vick’s playoff game in Green Bay. I remember watching that game thinking I was watching the future of football. Now, it’ll just be a reminder of lost potential. 2. A lot more attention is being paid to Vick than Darrent Williams’s death. Because apparently people care more about cruelty to dogs than humans. And for the record I had the idea of putting him at running back on Sunday and didn’t get it from this article.
I’m not ready to discuss Chad Pennington’s performance on Friday night. Two interceptions for touchdowns had me hitting the bottle even harder on Friday. Please have the regular season start soon so I don’t have to worry about games that don’t matter.
And finally, Steeler fans might have a recent championship and travel all over to support their team, but they have the gayest mascot ever…Steely McBeam:
http://news.steelers.com/article/79593/
That’s the gayest thing since gay went to Gaytown. It reminds me of that time on The Simpsons where Homer finds out that the whole steel industry is gay. I wish I hadn’t been too drunk to remember finding out about ol’ Steely last week. I would have gotten my ass kicked but laughed my ass off. I feel almost redeemed from the playoff loss a few years ago.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Who's Barney
After the national disaster that just ensued, (I’m not talking about the bridge collapse in Minnesota, but Sportscenter’s “Who’s Now” segment) I decided to do a pointless tournament amongst athletes with random criteria on how to judge them. That’s right, The Barney Show is having a bracketed tournament to determine “Who’s Barney”. While I can’t say what makes someone more Barney than another athlete, you know who’s Barney when you see it. At least I do. Other people probably see something else (most likely because they’re sober and I’m not). Anyway, I feel like mocking Who’s Now and figuring out who will rule episodes for the next few months. 16 athletes, 4 regions, who is the most Barney?
I was inspired to do this segment after writing my 1980’s Mets episode. I realized the Daryl was the original Barney athlete. All the stuff you’re thinking about got him into the running, but it was his tremendous cameo on The Simpsons that put him over the top (I know all three readers out there were eagerly anticipating how I judged this). So he’s has the first region. In his region are the following:
John Daly: Degenerate gambler, alcoholic, multiple failed marriages. I almost forgot to include him in this, but he has a chance to win the whole thing with a few breaks.
Greg Oden: If I were an athlete, I’d either be like John Daly or Greg Oden. Oden would be the best case. To most people I have the emotional range of a statue. Other people see my self-deprication and lack of taking myself seriously and its slightly to mildly entertaining. At least that’s what I’ve been told. I still don’t believe anyone is actually reading what I write on this site.
SPENCER HAWES – Only on here because me and Brock decided that his name must be treated in such high regard that it must be capitalized at all times. We also spent 10 minutes on AIM going through random scenarios that turn him into the NBA’s version of Chuck Norris: “SPENCER HAWES once teabagged a chick while watching Inside the NBA and said Chuck couldn’t hold his jock.” I think this is going to turn into the episode of Seinfeld where Jerry and George do the “Helloooo” voice for awhile and then people just get sick of it, and I’m still trying to encourage people that its funny when its really not. Also not funny, run on sentences.
Michael Vick – We’re going to exclude the federal dog fighting charges for this one. This is Vick right after he got busted for the water bottle. Besides that, there was the whole Ron Mexico fiasco as well as his tremendous Nike commercial (“That’s not in the playbook, but it should be”). Plus, his touchdown run against the Vikings in overtime where he got two of them to tackle each other was not only one of the greatest play’s I’ve ever seen, it also was a tremendous gambling moment because the Falcons were favored by something like 3.5-4 so a field goal wouldn’t have covered.
Next up is the Doc Gooden region:
Stephen Jackson: Came out of the brawl in Detroit as looking crazier than Ron Artest. Fired guns at a strip club brawl that forced him to get traded. Jacked an incredible amount of questionable shots while playing in San Antonio and still got playing time. He’s the only one who’s done that in the Duncan era. Once said, “I make love to pressure.” I think he has a tattoo of an AK-47 on his arm. Once hinted at being in either the Bloods or the Crips in an interview with an Indianapolis paper (something along the lines of “I don’t wear (insert color) for a reason”)
Manny Ramirez: Is so wacky that Red Sox fans have stopped bitching about it and have just accepted it as part of the package. Takes bathroom breaks in the Green Monster and I don’t think they have a toilet back there. Revealed that he was breast fed until age 4. Put his grill up on eBay for shits and giggles.
Gilbert Arenas: Where do I start? Youtube legend for his shoot out with DeShawn Stevenson. Wears shoes that are too small because he doesn’t like people thinking he has big feet. Sleeps in a tent that has the oxygen at an altitude of 10,000 feet. Ridiculously entertaining blog. Left a huddle during the All Star game to dunk off a trampoline. Gym rat who’s planning on making 100,000 shots in his 73 day summer workout. Has inspired his own philosophy, “Gilbertology”. Has multiple vendettas against what seems like half the league. Once said, “My swag was phenomenal tonight,” which inspired my fantasy football team name, “The Phenomenal Swags.” I’m probably leaving some things out. Oh yeah, he hosted the hottest party in DC this year and uttered the quote, “Let’s all get drunk and make bad decisions.” Way ahead of you Gil.
Rasheed Wallace: The immortal quote, “Both teams played hard.” Wears Uptowns in actual NBA games. Bought championship belts to complement his championship ring. Bonus points for the fact that he got in a fight with Delaney, which is a huge positive right now. Has a random bald spot.
Good Lord, the Gooden region is loaded.
Let’s move to the Riggins region. This is for John Riggins, former running back for the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets and Redskins. A tremendous drinker, who decided one day to stop playing football, had a mohawk, and he hosts a daily sports radio show which consists of football analysis and drinking stories. He told Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor “C’mon Sandy, baby, loosen up” before passing out drunk. Worth noting is that this was my dad’s favorite player which may explain some things. Anyway, here’s the bracket:
Darren McFadden: Called the best back in America by Sports Illustrated, and he’s an absolute beast. Him and possibly Steve Slaton are the only two college players I’d pay to watch their teams just because of them. Such a beast that someone tried to pick him in their NFL fantasy draft because it was a keeper league and he’d have him next year. Ok, let’s not foreshadow the numerous Arkansas games I’m going to watch this fall because of my man crush. He also has a pimped out Crown Victoria that’s way too ridiculous for a college player (I’m glad booster money is going towards 26” rims). Nearly missed all of last season because of a toe injury resulting in a bar fight. Worth noting is that he was wearing flip flops which greatly contributed to the injury marking the first time a black person ever wore flip flops to a club. I enjoy his “Arkansas Bred” and “501 Boy” tats. Crazy ass country boys.
Ricky Davis: Apparently the hardest partier in the NBA. Once took a shot at his own basket to get a triple double. Is allegedly the mind behind the first cheerleaders for the Celtics. Once tried to go through his legs on a breakaway during a game, and missed it. He’d probably have a better chance of winning this whole thing if I knew more of his drinking stories.
Chris Anderson: Technically not in the league anymore, but he has awful tats and failed a drug test and no one know which drug it was (assuming its beyond weed). Has the nickname “Birdman” which I would pay half of what’s in my bank account to have something that cool (I’m named after a purple dinosaur who entertains 3 year olds for God’s sake). He also had the worst performance in the history of the dunk contest, but said, “It’s time for the Birdman to fly.” I’m not going to lie, I needed to get this field to 16 and he’s a throw in. That quote was the equivalent of winning the SWAC conference.
Clinton Portis: A heavy favorite in the Riggins region. Has a stripper pole in his house and tried to explain to MTV cribs that it was because he wanted to be a fireman while growing up and this is his tribute to them. Used to dress up in various characters during media day interviews in the 2005 season for no other reason than to be entertaining. If he had said, “If I get in trouble this summer, just say it was a young guy having fun,” a year earlier it would have been my away message every time I went out in college. Got himself a championship belt for winning the rushing title and was the last running back to be a problem in fantasy leagues from Denver.
And finally, we have the Chrebet region. If there’s an equivalent in my athletic career, it’s Wayne Chrebet. Too small, too slow for most people. Works his ass off. Reps the tough streets of Long Island. Plus his career was cut short by concussions. He’s my favorite Jets player and he would have won the Who’s Barney competition from 1998-2002 hands down, when I was a gym rat and wasn’t quite an alcoholic yet. Here’s his region:Ron Artest: Where do I start? Once tried to take a job at Circuit City as a rookie with the Bulls to get the employee discount. Made the most awful/enjoyable rap album ever (I’ll eventually get around to reviewing it in the episode I was born to write). Started the greatest brawl in professional sports history. My friend Floyd Banks saw him on the PATH is sweatpants and a wife beater (meaning he’s a classy guy). I have better things to do (actually I don’t, but I just don’t feel like doing it) than to spend all day listing Ron Ron’s credentials to be included in this competition. Just know that he would have won from 2003-2005 hands down in there was a competition. He’s like any dominant US athlete in 1980. They would have won the gold if the US had competed in Moscow.
Zach Randolph: Floored me during an MTV cribs episode when his pool table had the Star of David on it. His high school coach is happy that he wakes up in the morning and Z-Bo isn’t dead or arrested (Who says you need to set high expectations? In the words of Chris Rock, “You’re not supposed to go to jail you ignorant motherfucker.”) Ran a train on a stripper and then invited her to the Portland Art Museum for a concert the next day (classy dude right there). The last of the real Jailblazers. I’ve delved into him in the past, so I’ll end it right now.
Rob Dyrdek: ESPN’s Who’s Now had people who aren’t real athletes (I’m looking at you Shaun White), so I feel obligated to put an extreme athlete. So I went with Rob, who’s on my second favorite show on MTV right now besides Hollyhood (the only two shows I watch on that network). He did compete for a $5,000 tournament in Tampa in season 2 so I can consider him a professional in this competition. Owns a mini horse just because he can. Has a picture of him, his bodyguard and dog in style of the infamous Death Row picture of Suge, Dre and Snoop. I would pay two weeks of my salary to be able to pull that one off. Spends his endorsement money on buying wigs and outrageous get ups.
Finally, Chad Johnson: Gave himself the nickname “Ocho Cinco” which isn’t even grammatically correct. Raced a horse in the off season. Wears a mohawk. Most entertaining interview in sports. Most original touchdown dances. A gym rat who sleeps at the Bengals facility. Responsible for K-Dog becoming a Bengals fan. Him on HBO’s Inside the NFL yelling at Carson Palmer that the guy who covering him “sucks” was highly entertaining. I know I’m leaving stuff out, but let’s just say that I highly enjoy his body of work.
So that’s it. Over the next week or so (we’ll see how many hours I’m working) we’ll go through the brackets and get a winner. This is all an attempt for me to not reveal my NFL thoughts and thus tipping my fantasy hand.
I was inspired to do this segment after writing my 1980’s Mets episode. I realized the Daryl was the original Barney athlete. All the stuff you’re thinking about got him into the running, but it was his tremendous cameo on The Simpsons that put him over the top (I know all three readers out there were eagerly anticipating how I judged this). So he’s has the first region. In his region are the following:
John Daly: Degenerate gambler, alcoholic, multiple failed marriages. I almost forgot to include him in this, but he has a chance to win the whole thing with a few breaks.
Greg Oden: If I were an athlete, I’d either be like John Daly or Greg Oden. Oden would be the best case. To most people I have the emotional range of a statue. Other people see my self-deprication and lack of taking myself seriously and its slightly to mildly entertaining. At least that’s what I’ve been told. I still don’t believe anyone is actually reading what I write on this site.
SPENCER HAWES – Only on here because me and Brock decided that his name must be treated in such high regard that it must be capitalized at all times. We also spent 10 minutes on AIM going through random scenarios that turn him into the NBA’s version of Chuck Norris: “SPENCER HAWES once teabagged a chick while watching Inside the NBA and said Chuck couldn’t hold his jock.” I think this is going to turn into the episode of Seinfeld where Jerry and George do the “Helloooo” voice for awhile and then people just get sick of it, and I’m still trying to encourage people that its funny when its really not. Also not funny, run on sentences.
Michael Vick – We’re going to exclude the federal dog fighting charges for this one. This is Vick right after he got busted for the water bottle. Besides that, there was the whole Ron Mexico fiasco as well as his tremendous Nike commercial (“That’s not in the playbook, but it should be”). Plus, his touchdown run against the Vikings in overtime where he got two of them to tackle each other was not only one of the greatest play’s I’ve ever seen, it also was a tremendous gambling moment because the Falcons were favored by something like 3.5-4 so a field goal wouldn’t have covered.
Next up is the Doc Gooden region:
Stephen Jackson: Came out of the brawl in Detroit as looking crazier than Ron Artest. Fired guns at a strip club brawl that forced him to get traded. Jacked an incredible amount of questionable shots while playing in San Antonio and still got playing time. He’s the only one who’s done that in the Duncan era. Once said, “I make love to pressure.” I think he has a tattoo of an AK-47 on his arm. Once hinted at being in either the Bloods or the Crips in an interview with an Indianapolis paper (something along the lines of “I don’t wear (insert color) for a reason”)
Manny Ramirez: Is so wacky that Red Sox fans have stopped bitching about it and have just accepted it as part of the package. Takes bathroom breaks in the Green Monster and I don’t think they have a toilet back there. Revealed that he was breast fed until age 4. Put his grill up on eBay for shits and giggles.
Gilbert Arenas: Where do I start? Youtube legend for his shoot out with DeShawn Stevenson. Wears shoes that are too small because he doesn’t like people thinking he has big feet. Sleeps in a tent that has the oxygen at an altitude of 10,000 feet. Ridiculously entertaining blog. Left a huddle during the All Star game to dunk off a trampoline. Gym rat who’s planning on making 100,000 shots in his 73 day summer workout. Has inspired his own philosophy, “Gilbertology”. Has multiple vendettas against what seems like half the league. Once said, “My swag was phenomenal tonight,” which inspired my fantasy football team name, “The Phenomenal Swags.” I’m probably leaving some things out. Oh yeah, he hosted the hottest party in DC this year and uttered the quote, “Let’s all get drunk and make bad decisions.” Way ahead of you Gil.
Rasheed Wallace: The immortal quote, “Both teams played hard.” Wears Uptowns in actual NBA games. Bought championship belts to complement his championship ring. Bonus points for the fact that he got in a fight with Delaney, which is a huge positive right now. Has a random bald spot.
Good Lord, the Gooden region is loaded.
Let’s move to the Riggins region. This is for John Riggins, former running back for the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets and Redskins. A tremendous drinker, who decided one day to stop playing football, had a mohawk, and he hosts a daily sports radio show which consists of football analysis and drinking stories. He told Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor “C’mon Sandy, baby, loosen up” before passing out drunk. Worth noting is that this was my dad’s favorite player which may explain some things. Anyway, here’s the bracket:
Darren McFadden: Called the best back in America by Sports Illustrated, and he’s an absolute beast. Him and possibly Steve Slaton are the only two college players I’d pay to watch their teams just because of them. Such a beast that someone tried to pick him in their NFL fantasy draft because it was a keeper league and he’d have him next year. Ok, let’s not foreshadow the numerous Arkansas games I’m going to watch this fall because of my man crush. He also has a pimped out Crown Victoria that’s way too ridiculous for a college player (I’m glad booster money is going towards 26” rims). Nearly missed all of last season because of a toe injury resulting in a bar fight. Worth noting is that he was wearing flip flops which greatly contributed to the injury marking the first time a black person ever wore flip flops to a club. I enjoy his “Arkansas Bred” and “501 Boy” tats. Crazy ass country boys.
Ricky Davis: Apparently the hardest partier in the NBA. Once took a shot at his own basket to get a triple double. Is allegedly the mind behind the first cheerleaders for the Celtics. Once tried to go through his legs on a breakaway during a game, and missed it. He’d probably have a better chance of winning this whole thing if I knew more of his drinking stories.
Chris Anderson: Technically not in the league anymore, but he has awful tats and failed a drug test and no one know which drug it was (assuming its beyond weed). Has the nickname “Birdman” which I would pay half of what’s in my bank account to have something that cool (I’m named after a purple dinosaur who entertains 3 year olds for God’s sake). He also had the worst performance in the history of the dunk contest, but said, “It’s time for the Birdman to fly.” I’m not going to lie, I needed to get this field to 16 and he’s a throw in. That quote was the equivalent of winning the SWAC conference.
Clinton Portis: A heavy favorite in the Riggins region. Has a stripper pole in his house and tried to explain to MTV cribs that it was because he wanted to be a fireman while growing up and this is his tribute to them. Used to dress up in various characters during media day interviews in the 2005 season for no other reason than to be entertaining. If he had said, “If I get in trouble this summer, just say it was a young guy having fun,” a year earlier it would have been my away message every time I went out in college. Got himself a championship belt for winning the rushing title and was the last running back to be a problem in fantasy leagues from Denver.
And finally, we have the Chrebet region. If there’s an equivalent in my athletic career, it’s Wayne Chrebet. Too small, too slow for most people. Works his ass off. Reps the tough streets of Long Island. Plus his career was cut short by concussions. He’s my favorite Jets player and he would have won the Who’s Barney competition from 1998-2002 hands down, when I was a gym rat and wasn’t quite an alcoholic yet. Here’s his region:Ron Artest: Where do I start? Once tried to take a job at Circuit City as a rookie with the Bulls to get the employee discount. Made the most awful/enjoyable rap album ever (I’ll eventually get around to reviewing it in the episode I was born to write). Started the greatest brawl in professional sports history. My friend Floyd Banks saw him on the PATH is sweatpants and a wife beater (meaning he’s a classy guy). I have better things to do (actually I don’t, but I just don’t feel like doing it) than to spend all day listing Ron Ron’s credentials to be included in this competition. Just know that he would have won from 2003-2005 hands down in there was a competition. He’s like any dominant US athlete in 1980. They would have won the gold if the US had competed in Moscow.
Zach Randolph: Floored me during an MTV cribs episode when his pool table had the Star of David on it. His high school coach is happy that he wakes up in the morning and Z-Bo isn’t dead or arrested (Who says you need to set high expectations? In the words of Chris Rock, “You’re not supposed to go to jail you ignorant motherfucker.”) Ran a train on a stripper and then invited her to the Portland Art Museum for a concert the next day (classy dude right there). The last of the real Jailblazers. I’ve delved into him in the past, so I’ll end it right now.
Rob Dyrdek: ESPN’s Who’s Now had people who aren’t real athletes (I’m looking at you Shaun White), so I feel obligated to put an extreme athlete. So I went with Rob, who’s on my second favorite show on MTV right now besides Hollyhood (the only two shows I watch on that network). He did compete for a $5,000 tournament in Tampa in season 2 so I can consider him a professional in this competition. Owns a mini horse just because he can. Has a picture of him, his bodyguard and dog in style of the infamous Death Row picture of Suge, Dre and Snoop. I would pay two weeks of my salary to be able to pull that one off. Spends his endorsement money on buying wigs and outrageous get ups.
Finally, Chad Johnson: Gave himself the nickname “Ocho Cinco” which isn’t even grammatically correct. Raced a horse in the off season. Wears a mohawk. Most entertaining interview in sports. Most original touchdown dances. A gym rat who sleeps at the Bengals facility. Responsible for K-Dog becoming a Bengals fan. Him on HBO’s Inside the NFL yelling at Carson Palmer that the guy who covering him “sucks” was highly entertaining. I know I’m leaving stuff out, but let’s just say that I highly enjoy his body of work.
So that’s it. Over the next week or so (we’ll see how many hours I’m working) we’ll go through the brackets and get a winner. This is all an attempt for me to not reveal my NFL thoughts and thus tipping my fantasy hand.
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