And we’re back with another exciting episode where your protagonist travels to the Midwest with comical results. Last time we did Kanye quotes based on the release of his new album. Except, I didn’t include any quotes from that album. In the immortal words of Bill Walton, “That’s terrrrrible.” Also, I had a layover at O’Hare, so I spent 20 minutes in the ‘Go for this trip (though if you think I went outside on a morning in February you have to be out of your mind.) So this time, all quotes come from 808s and Heartbreak. Let’s get it started.
“You worry about the wrong things, the wrong things.” - Paranoid
Let’s start with something that didn’t happen but would have been hilarious. For my birthday, my baby momma wanted to get me tickets for me and my daughter to some sort of Texas dance off. Now, traditionally, I wouldn’t do anything that involved dancing in the slightest amount, but hey, now I have a blog to worry about. So this was what went on in my head: Baby Momma: “So I was thinking of getting you tickets to go with your daughter to go dancing the Friday before her birthday. Is that something you’d be interested in?”
Barney: (What the fuck? Dancing? Wait, this would be hilarious. Can you imagine how ridiculous going dancing with a bunch of Texans would be like? I can’t even imagine the possibilities.) “Yeah, we can do that. You know if she wants to.”Unfortunately, she didn’t want to, so this idea was nixed. Too bad. This quote was also selected because it was the only one I could ever see myself drunk dancing to. Just in case you were interested (which I highly doubt).
“Dad cracked a joke all the kids laughed, but I couldn’t hear them all the way in first class.” - Welcome to Heartbreak
Well there has been one positive of the recession we’re in now: there is absolutely no one on airlines. On both my trips down and back, I had an entire row to myself. What are the benefits to you the reader? You get a Texas Toast sooner because I can start writing it on the plane and not be worried that the person will report me.
By the way, is this the most ridiculous line ever? I think this is a good song, but am I supposed to feel bad for Kanye in this case? Oh no, you’re missing out on some family friendly comedy in first class. I guess you’ll just have to drown you pain in the free booze up there. Give me a break (the rest of the song is good though, I swear).
“It’s amazing, so amazing, so amazing.” - Amazing
This quote goes out to the Eagle, which if some older man who prefers to go by the name of “Pops” is to be believed. On Friday, the local library was having an event for kids to teach them about eagles. Of course I got dragged into this, so I’m sitting there with my daughter at this completely ridiculous learning experience. Pops sole knowledge about eagles seemed to know that he knew how Indians captured eagle feathers (Yes, they were referred to as Indians continuously. I’m guessing PC hasn’t broken out in Texas yet. Not that I’m offended by that, but I do feel that in today’s world if you’re going to be insulting, at least don’t confuse me. A simple “Red Dot” or “Feather” in front will suffice. I encourage this language, but please be more offensive for clarification purposes.) Sorry, there was another thing we learned. If you’re ever lost in the woods, hold up a red bandana and wait for park rangers to save you. I’m guessing all park rangers are Bloods then. Because what if one is a Crip? Will they still save you? Or just shank you? These are the things I think about while at library functions for three year olds.
All of this eagle stuff was apparently in promotion for this weekends “Eagle Fest”. I did not know that I was in the “Eagle Capital of Texas” and this weekend they were celebrating it. It was a big deal because I casually mentioned this to someone and they were like, “Oh yeah, it is Eagle Fest Weekend”. I have nothing left to add except to note that I’m glad the West End’s civic events kick East Texas event’s ass. A day devoted to binge drinking is far superior to getting in a boat and looking for eagles.
I also got to experience a public library in Texas. Let’s just say I might not make fun of Vince Young as much. To borrow a phrase I used for the training program for new employees, “I’m not going to spoon feed them information, but what they had before wasn’t really food and it was just thrown on the floor and they were given a plastice spork.” Their technology section had a grand total of 6 books. And I’m fairly certain none of them were written in the past 10 years. But they did have the new Joan Rivers book prominently displayed. I’m glad Texas has its educational priorities firmly in place.
“You spoiled little LA girl.” – RoboCop
This one goes out to one of my family members who feels it necessary to buy random ass shit for my daughter all the time. Seriously, my daughter doesn’t need a power wheels. That’s one thing. But don’t call me and ask me if I think it’s a good idea, when I say no, she has enough stuff, then go and call my baby mama and put the idea in her head. So if that someone calls me in the next day or so and I tell them to go fuck themselves and that paying out my ass in child support entitles me to make parental decisions, I’ll only take partial responsibility for my actions. Just know they have it coming and some people need to be reminded who they’re related to. And if not then fuck them.
“Standing at my podium, I’m tryna watch my sodium, die of high blood pressure, I’d rather let the feds catch me.” - Amazing
Moving on from that and back into the making fun of Texas portion of our show, after the enthralling trip to the library, we went for lunch at a diner. It had the essentials on each table: salt, pepper, ketchup, butter. Let me repeat, each table had a bottle of Parkay butter. I’m not sure what for since nothing I saw on the menu would require butter for it. Burgers, hot dogs and fries do not require the addition of butter. At least not in my world. I’m gathering the law friendly Texans would have no problem getting caught by the Feds. Young Jeezy, they are not.
“If you’re happy and you know it, stomp your feet. If you’re happy and you know it, stomp your feet.”
Wait, this isn’t a Kanye song? Oh, sorry, this is just seared into my brain, complete with the kicking of the back of my seat. My daughter is into her kids song phase, and I was only given one CD, so not only did I have to have annoying kids songs played all weekend, it was the same 13 songs on repeat. So what did I get her for her birthday? That’s right, a CD player with headphones. She can listen to that shit on her own now. Of course, since it’s my luck, her birthday was on the last day I was there, so I won’t get to realize this benefit this until the next time I see her. And I give it 2:1 odds that by that time, she’s broken it.
“Seems like, street lights, glowing, happen to be just like moments, passing in front of me…” – Street Lights
This quote goes out to the cows of Texas. Because apparently, flashing lights are just a moment, not those of an oncoming car. I had to stop and wait 5 minutes for cows to pass through a dirt road for me to go. If you think I’m getting out of the car to move those things, you don’t know me. There was about 3 seconds where I considered it, but I reconsidered after thinking about what would happen if one of these got angry and charged at me. I distinctly remember the phrase, “I ain’t going out like that,” going through my head, and thinking how embarrassing it would be to have my friends coming up to my casket to mourn me while secretly thinking, “Damn, Barnes went out cause of an angry bull. What a bitch ass.” So 5 minutes were a fair exchange for not having people laughing at my funeral. Not that they won’t, but that’s one thing they won’t be laughing at. You still have an opportunity to laugh at how the funeral director addresses the first death by exploding liver or the suit choice my parents will most likely make for me (Please don’t let my dad make this decision. Nor should J-Man be involved in any way either. I’m not wearing a sock tie for eternity.)
“Who knew she was a drama queen, that would turn my life to Stephen King’s” - RoboCop
I’m not going to get into the details here, but just know that when someone told me they were going to Vegas in a month, my first thought was, “Weren’t you just telling me three months ago how money was tight and you needed some help?” I’m not a genius, but I don’t think broke motherfuckers go to the Strip, but what do I know?
“You think your shit don’t stink, but you are Mrs. Pee-Yew.” – See You in My Nightmare
Have you ever wondered how people handle their garbage in Middle of Nowhere, Texas? No, probably not a burning question in your life, is it. Well they don’t have garbage service, which bewildered me at first. Who doesn’t have garbage pick up? Even more disconcerting was what they do as an alternative…burn the garbage. Seriously, you go out back an burn that shit? That has to be the worst chore ever.
I also noticed that I haven’t seen a drain while out visiting my daughter. No wonder Texas is always getting flooded. Water doesn’t have anywhere to go.
It also raised another, more difficult question: Where do former high school basketball stars work? Because all the ones I grew up with work at the sanitation department. If there’s no garbage or drains does this mean they have to get actual jobs? I’ll follow up on this the next time I go down there.
“My daughter found Nemo, I’m tryna find Premo.”
Another pause from the Kanye trip to interject some Common. I watched Finding Nemo this weekend with my daughter and had this going through my head the entire time. Well, if you don’t count the time I was answering questions from my daughter. A little advice, don’t start a movie in the middle with a three year old. You’ll be answering plot questions for the remainder of it. Just find another movie that’s starting.
“Seems like, street lights, glowing, happen to be just like moments, passing in front of me…” – Street Lights
Yeah, I know I used this before, but I couldn’t think of anything else to use. My flight down stopped in Dallas and was going on to Midland/Odessa. I had a strong urge to stay on and go see Mike Winchell, my daughter’s birthday be damned. But in the end, I bitched out of it.
Also related to this, the high school my baby momma went to is now the Texas state champs in football. This would mean a lot more to me if I had a son. I would be able to deal with a third world school system if it meant he played Texas high school football. I’m fairly certain their junior highs would pound my high school’s team. All I know is that our Sanitation Department would overwhelm them in basketball.
“Why would she make calls out the blue?” – Say You Will
Another fun part about having a 3 year old is watching television with them. On Friday we watched some program that I think was called GabbaGabba, but I’m not sure. The best way to describe this show would be that it would be the greatest show to watch when you’re tripping balls. In fact, you might not even need to be on any drugs to enjoy this one. It features a black guy in a spandex suit, but looks like the guy from the Humpty Hump video from the face up. There are robots, an orange cucumber with legs, and what looks like a purple Philly phanatic as main characters. Oh, and they just randomly cut to scenes of kids dancing. If I had the Noggin Network at home, I would be watching this whenever possible.
Anyway, this quote comes is because it reminds me of “Just a Friend”, because guess who’s on this show? That’s right, Biz Markie, who has a feature called, “Biz’s Beat of the Day. He has a nice big gold dookie chain as well. This just pushed this show over the top in children’s shows that are really entertaining for adults.
Alright, I think I covered all of the stuff I needed to. 2200 words. I think I got my Texas Toast mojo back. Hope you enjoyed.
Monday, February 9, 2009
"Hooray!" - Liver
Well this may come as a major surprise to everyone, but guess how much I’ve drank since January 4th? No, not 5 gallons. 375 mL of Jack. That’s it. In fact, 33 f those 3 days I did not touch a drop of alcohol. Hard to believe, I know, but it’s true. I had one relapse in that time and it was just one pint of Jack (You would think that I would spring for a really nice bottle to break my streak, but no, I didn’t. I have no idea why either).
So what have we learned from this period of dryness?
I might, just might, have a bit of an addictive personality
Even though I’ve quit drinking, it’s not like I’ve returned to a normal lifestyle. Nope, I’ve just changed the drug. Instead of drinking half a liter of whiskey a night, I now workout two hours a day. Sometimes more. This past weekend, I ran 10 miles and biked 30, plus did 90 minutes on the elliptical (Yes, I do the elliptical. You can call me gay if you want. But you try running every day with a bad back and the fact that everything from your knees down is equivalent to a 50 year old.) and lifted for two hours.
Remember High School Barney. The one who would go lift on Friday nights and come home from practice and go ref two basketball games? Yeah, he’s back.
Not that this is any better from a strictly psychological point of view (if I don’t work out now, I feel like my day isn’t complete and I can’t fall asleep, and its not like running is more of a social activity than drinking), but I guess it is better from a physical health perspective. In another two to three month, people might not call bullshit when I tell them I once played college basketball (Wait, have I looked in the mirror lately? I don’t think I ever looked like a basketball player. So they’ll still think I’m full of it, but will most likely think I was that guy who really got into intramural games)
I had a hell of a birthday party
In what could best be described as foreshadowing, my Christening was so ridiculous that my godfather got so drunk he was hungover for two days and decided that was the end of the line and stopped drinking after that (we won’t mention how I’ve talked to him exactly once in the past 15 years). So my parties were booze filled from the start. My 26th birthday was no exception. What started off as Maker’s and coke on the LIRR progressed to shots and beers in the East Village, to beer pong in Hoboken and eventually, to me dancing with an extremely fat chick. Before we got to the fat chick though, there was some drama.
The details are sketchy in my mind, but at some point after being a shit talking winner on the beer pong table, J-Man decided that I was a drunkard and started throwing punches at me. Now I don’t object to the drunkard part, but with the sensitive condition of my head, I do object to random punches being thrown at me. Anyway, that got broken up before I concussed myself and J-Man left. 20 minutes later I get a call from my parents saying that J-Man is lost and someone called the house. Eventually, the cops pick him up and I have to convince some officers of the law that a guy with a BAC over 0.25 is responsible enough to take this retard (bonus points for it happening in the shadiest place possible, a public bus yard. If there was any place that was made for a Soprano’s hit, this was it.) J-Man was fine, he just slept it off and I think everything’s cool now.
I’m not saying this was the thing that got me to get my shit together, but it didn’t hurt.
Me fail English? That’s unpossible.
Speaking has never been one of my strong points, probably because I do it so infrequently while sober. However, I have to use verbal communication at work occasionally despite my quest to do everything via e-mail. Being the Drunkard that I am, this presented a problem. Not that the concussions helped anything, but there were definitely times where I was so hungover, complex sentences were not happening. My brain wasn’t working fast enough to get the words out in a pace that wouldn’t put people to sleep. If I knew I had to do something important for work, like give a presentation to 200 people, I would be sober for two or three nights before hand. This got me to a happy medium. Now, I’m at the other extreme in that my brain works too fast for my mouth. It’s already processing the next sentence before I’ve finished the one I’m talking about and sometimes I screw that sentence up. It’s like those workouts where people sprint with a parachute attached to them. Once they take that thing off, they must feel like they’re twice as fast.
If you’re going to Relapse, do it right
Note to self, don’t relapse when you’re exhausted and will just pass out immediately upon getting drunk. You won’t get to enjoy the drunk, but will be stuck with the hangover. The good thing is that I haven’t had a drink since then, so its not like I fell immediately back into my old ways.
I guess it would behoove me to explain the relapse (Another bonus of this is that my vocabulary is increasing exponentially. I don’t think I’ve ever used the word behoove in proper context), but not at this point. Just know that it was work related and I’m hoping to tie this together into a hilarious Barney story if everything works out ok.
So what have we learned from this period of dryness?
I might, just might, have a bit of an addictive personality
Even though I’ve quit drinking, it’s not like I’ve returned to a normal lifestyle. Nope, I’ve just changed the drug. Instead of drinking half a liter of whiskey a night, I now workout two hours a day. Sometimes more. This past weekend, I ran 10 miles and biked 30, plus did 90 minutes on the elliptical (Yes, I do the elliptical. You can call me gay if you want. But you try running every day with a bad back and the fact that everything from your knees down is equivalent to a 50 year old.) and lifted for two hours.
Remember High School Barney. The one who would go lift on Friday nights and come home from practice and go ref two basketball games? Yeah, he’s back.
Not that this is any better from a strictly psychological point of view (if I don’t work out now, I feel like my day isn’t complete and I can’t fall asleep, and its not like running is more of a social activity than drinking), but I guess it is better from a physical health perspective. In another two to three month, people might not call bullshit when I tell them I once played college basketball (Wait, have I looked in the mirror lately? I don’t think I ever looked like a basketball player. So they’ll still think I’m full of it, but will most likely think I was that guy who really got into intramural games)
I had a hell of a birthday party
In what could best be described as foreshadowing, my Christening was so ridiculous that my godfather got so drunk he was hungover for two days and decided that was the end of the line and stopped drinking after that (we won’t mention how I’ve talked to him exactly once in the past 15 years). So my parties were booze filled from the start. My 26th birthday was no exception. What started off as Maker’s and coke on the LIRR progressed to shots and beers in the East Village, to beer pong in Hoboken and eventually, to me dancing with an extremely fat chick. Before we got to the fat chick though, there was some drama.
The details are sketchy in my mind, but at some point after being a shit talking winner on the beer pong table, J-Man decided that I was a drunkard and started throwing punches at me. Now I don’t object to the drunkard part, but with the sensitive condition of my head, I do object to random punches being thrown at me. Anyway, that got broken up before I concussed myself and J-Man left. 20 minutes later I get a call from my parents saying that J-Man is lost and someone called the house. Eventually, the cops pick him up and I have to convince some officers of the law that a guy with a BAC over 0.25 is responsible enough to take this retard (bonus points for it happening in the shadiest place possible, a public bus yard. If there was any place that was made for a Soprano’s hit, this was it.) J-Man was fine, he just slept it off and I think everything’s cool now.
I’m not saying this was the thing that got me to get my shit together, but it didn’t hurt.
Me fail English? That’s unpossible.
Speaking has never been one of my strong points, probably because I do it so infrequently while sober. However, I have to use verbal communication at work occasionally despite my quest to do everything via e-mail. Being the Drunkard that I am, this presented a problem. Not that the concussions helped anything, but there were definitely times where I was so hungover, complex sentences were not happening. My brain wasn’t working fast enough to get the words out in a pace that wouldn’t put people to sleep. If I knew I had to do something important for work, like give a presentation to 200 people, I would be sober for two or three nights before hand. This got me to a happy medium. Now, I’m at the other extreme in that my brain works too fast for my mouth. It’s already processing the next sentence before I’ve finished the one I’m talking about and sometimes I screw that sentence up. It’s like those workouts where people sprint with a parachute attached to them. Once they take that thing off, they must feel like they’re twice as fast.
If you’re going to Relapse, do it right
Note to self, don’t relapse when you’re exhausted and will just pass out immediately upon getting drunk. You won’t get to enjoy the drunk, but will be stuck with the hangover. The good thing is that I haven’t had a drink since then, so its not like I fell immediately back into my old ways.
I guess it would behoove me to explain the relapse (Another bonus of this is that my vocabulary is increasing exponentially. I don’t think I’ve ever used the word behoove in proper context), but not at this point. Just know that it was work related and I’m hoping to tie this together into a hilarious Barney story if everything works out ok.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I'm glad someone from the U is in the Super Bowl
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Tuesday, January 27, 2009
More Fun with Psychoanalysis!!!
So we once again go into the demented mind of my dreams. The other night I had a dream where I was in the audience for a new game show. I don’t remember what the name of it was, but it was a quiz show. The only difference is that there’s a water cannon behind the announcer and if you get a question wrong, you have 30 gallons of water shot at your face. So it’s like Double Dare for adults. Anyway, I was privileged to see the family edition of this show. And guess who the first family on was? If you guessed the Mannings, you know me too well. One of the rules was that once you were asked a question, it remained your turn until you got one right. Of course, Eli was first and he couldn’t get any of them right. He just kept going “Umm…ummm…” until he got blasted with water. Then the process repeated itself. Eventually Peyton kept getting more and more frustrated. He started making comments like, “What the heck Eli? You need to step your game up,” which eventually progressed to, “Jesus Christ. If we wanted to bring a retard on we would have asked Cooper to join us.” And Eli just sat there with that look after he throws an interception, except he was dripping wet.
Finally, as a corporate tie in, Oreo promoted a lightening round. So now when Eli got a question wrong, he had to lick a double stuff as fast as possible before being bombarded with milk shot out of a cannon. They even had the Williams sisters via satellite laughing at him.
And that’s when I woke up. Yes, this was an actual dream. No, I don’t know what’s up with my subconscious. Yes, I do find my subconscious hilarious because there is no way I could have made this up on my own.
Finally, as a corporate tie in, Oreo promoted a lightening round. So now when Eli got a question wrong, he had to lick a double stuff as fast as possible before being bombarded with milk shot out of a cannon. They even had the Williams sisters via satellite laughing at him.
And that’s when I woke up. Yes, this was an actual dream. No, I don’t know what’s up with my subconscious. Yes, I do find my subconscious hilarious because there is no way I could have made this up on my own.
Notorious
Well, I guess if there’s anything I am knowledgeable about to have a decent opinion on, it would be the bio-pic of Biggie (not that’s its stopped me in the past, or will in the future). Since it’s a given that I will purchase anything that includes something new about Biggie (hence why I purchased the soundtrack to this, for three songs off his demo tape), and that he didn’t document stuff in a Pac-like fashion so that a trove of post-humanous material could be released, I’ve pretty much gotten as much as you can get about the life of Christopher Wallace (at least as much as is possible for a white guy living in the suburbs).
Before we get to what I liked and disliked about the movie, let’s first talk about everything that happened before it started. I initially wanted to see this movie last weekend but a few things came up, so I didn’t see it until the 2nd weekend it was out (which wasn’t a bad thing, considering people got stabbed at the openings in NYC). So I ended up seeing a Saturday afternoon show. I walked in and was the only white person in the theater, so this was fun. Luckily a white girl showed up 2 minutes in so I wasn’t the least ghetto person in the place. To make sure of this, she wore Uggs to this movie. Timbs for my hooligans in Brooklyn this wasn’t. I also noted that it had a 12:15 start time, but the previews didn’t start until 12:20. A tip of the hat goes out to AMC Theaters for knowing their target audience, and starting the show late to factor in for CP time. So before the show even started, I was pretty entertained. Then, they had the trailer for this movie previewed:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1198138/
Let me say that I was highly entertained by a preview of a movie about a black man getting in trouble for getting with a white girl. If I was still in college, I would purchase this DVD and have it running on a continuous loop for Floyd Banks and O. And I would laugh for 2 hours straight. Also, am I supposed to feel sorry for this guy? Oh no, my marriage to Beyonce is going down the drain because Ali Larter wants to sleep with me. These aren’t problems I have too much sympathy for.
Alright, onto the movie itself. And you wonder why Roger Ebert doesn’t go into 400 word intros. I found it entertaining as a whole. I did however, feel that it didn’t go into the detail I would have liked and found a lot of parts just glossed over and given a few minutes on screen. The 100 running minutes was way too short for me, but I understand that Fox probably isn’t catering to the person who is looking for more details (a lot of which were handled extremely well, discussed later on). The masses aren’t looking for 30 minutes to be spent on the in depth making of Ready to Die. From an overall plot perspective, it pretty much was a 2 hour VH1 show (Side note because I wouldn’t want this to have any semblance of cohesion. When I was working at the Rec back in 2002, the VH1 Behind the Music for Biggie came out. My main man Rocket had this comment to say: “I saw the Behind the Music last night. I didn’t know The Notorious B.I.G. died,” and I couldn’t tell if he was being facetious or not. For some reason, this absolutely killed me. I’m cracking up as I’m writing this. You’re not getting it? Ok, fine. Maybe you just don’t appreciate the comedic genius that was Rocket.)
Two things I think we’re done very well. First was the casting. Not that I believed it was Big on screen, but the one they did get was as close as you’re going to get. He did pull it off as well as it can be done. Lil Kim and Faith Evans were good enough that there was no difference in my mind between the actresses and the real people. So that was good. The other thing that I really liked was the small details that showed they had done their homework on Biggie. For example, Big did want Machine Gun Funk to be his first single, he was actually banging girls in the studio before rhyming “Chickenheads be clucking in my bathroom fucking” and he was in a piece of shit rental when he got into the accident.
Things I didn’t like? As mentioned before, I thought it was too short and some things were glossed over (His relationship with Kim for example. Also, why he not doing his verse of Get Money during the Junior Mafia concert?). Also, there should have been a warning before any sex scene involving him. I would have also liked to have seen some more on how he went about writing his rhymes. I’m sorry, but having a high as hell Lil’ Cease insinuate that he may or may not be writing stuff down isn’t good enough. That should have been covered a lot more.
Finally, the most important question, did I cry at the end of the movie? The answer is no, there were no tears, but my eyes did water up when Hypnotize came on during his funeral procession. There, I said it. Let’s not talk about this again.
Overall, a good movie that didn’t do anything to disappoint, which I was afraid of. And now for my obligatory comparison that requires me to compare this movie to his albums. It’s not Ready to Die, but it’s not the train wreck that was the Duets album.
Before we get to what I liked and disliked about the movie, let’s first talk about everything that happened before it started. I initially wanted to see this movie last weekend but a few things came up, so I didn’t see it until the 2nd weekend it was out (which wasn’t a bad thing, considering people got stabbed at the openings in NYC). So I ended up seeing a Saturday afternoon show. I walked in and was the only white person in the theater, so this was fun. Luckily a white girl showed up 2 minutes in so I wasn’t the least ghetto person in the place. To make sure of this, she wore Uggs to this movie. Timbs for my hooligans in Brooklyn this wasn’t. I also noted that it had a 12:15 start time, but the previews didn’t start until 12:20. A tip of the hat goes out to AMC Theaters for knowing their target audience, and starting the show late to factor in for CP time. So before the show even started, I was pretty entertained. Then, they had the trailer for this movie previewed:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1198138/
Let me say that I was highly entertained by a preview of a movie about a black man getting in trouble for getting with a white girl. If I was still in college, I would purchase this DVD and have it running on a continuous loop for Floyd Banks and O. And I would laugh for 2 hours straight. Also, am I supposed to feel sorry for this guy? Oh no, my marriage to Beyonce is going down the drain because Ali Larter wants to sleep with me. These aren’t problems I have too much sympathy for.
Alright, onto the movie itself. And you wonder why Roger Ebert doesn’t go into 400 word intros. I found it entertaining as a whole. I did however, feel that it didn’t go into the detail I would have liked and found a lot of parts just glossed over and given a few minutes on screen. The 100 running minutes was way too short for me, but I understand that Fox probably isn’t catering to the person who is looking for more details (a lot of which were handled extremely well, discussed later on). The masses aren’t looking for 30 minutes to be spent on the in depth making of Ready to Die. From an overall plot perspective, it pretty much was a 2 hour VH1 show (Side note because I wouldn’t want this to have any semblance of cohesion. When I was working at the Rec back in 2002, the VH1 Behind the Music for Biggie came out. My main man Rocket had this comment to say: “I saw the Behind the Music last night. I didn’t know The Notorious B.I.G. died,” and I couldn’t tell if he was being facetious or not. For some reason, this absolutely killed me. I’m cracking up as I’m writing this. You’re not getting it? Ok, fine. Maybe you just don’t appreciate the comedic genius that was Rocket.)
Two things I think we’re done very well. First was the casting. Not that I believed it was Big on screen, but the one they did get was as close as you’re going to get. He did pull it off as well as it can be done. Lil Kim and Faith Evans were good enough that there was no difference in my mind between the actresses and the real people. So that was good. The other thing that I really liked was the small details that showed they had done their homework on Biggie. For example, Big did want Machine Gun Funk to be his first single, he was actually banging girls in the studio before rhyming “Chickenheads be clucking in my bathroom fucking” and he was in a piece of shit rental when he got into the accident.
Things I didn’t like? As mentioned before, I thought it was too short and some things were glossed over (His relationship with Kim for example. Also, why he not doing his verse of Get Money during the Junior Mafia concert?). Also, there should have been a warning before any sex scene involving him. I would have also liked to have seen some more on how he went about writing his rhymes. I’m sorry, but having a high as hell Lil’ Cease insinuate that he may or may not be writing stuff down isn’t good enough. That should have been covered a lot more.
Finally, the most important question, did I cry at the end of the movie? The answer is no, there were no tears, but my eyes did water up when Hypnotize came on during his funeral procession. There, I said it. Let’s not talk about this again.
Overall, a good movie that didn’t do anything to disappoint, which I was afraid of. And now for my obligatory comparison that requires me to compare this movie to his albums. It’s not Ready to Die, but it’s not the train wreck that was the Duets album.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Uh Oh
Yup, we’re one week away from what could be considered my worst nightmare…Philly vs. Pittsburgh in the Super Bowl. I don’t think I’m mentally prepared to deal with those two fan bases for two full weeks. And that ensures that at least one of them will be champs. If Philly wins the World Series and Super Bowl back to back I’m heading into a bunker for six months.
On the plus side, we would have Andy Reid doing interviews with a five week beard going. That should be fun. And hopefully some retrospectives of McNabb puking.
I wanted to write this last week, but I’m on the Arizona bandwagon for the sole reason that after Rolle scored that touchdown after the Turner fumble, he did the Dirty Bird after scoring. New rules: Anyone would does a tribute to 1998 dances gets my support.
Well, the alternative Super Bowl matchup isn’t much better. Ray Lewis’s God Squad versus Kurt Warner’s God Squad. Maybe if we’re lucky, both games will end in a tie and Donavan McNabb will be totally redeemed. But at least its not the nuclear option of Colts vs. Giants. A Manning vs. Manning Super Bowl would cause me to commit at least one homicide (Can you tell I’m a half empty glass type of person? Did the fact that I’m only focusing on bad Super Bowl matchups give that away?).
It’s ok to make Eli jokes now, right? Ok, good, just checking. Here we go. On the plus side, Eli won’t be distracted for next week’s epic showdown with the Williams sisters in their Oreo Racer matchup. Man, does it feel good to make a good Eli joke. I’d been holding off since he proved to be clutch in a playoff game last year. Now, I think it’s back to open season on the Mannings. They’re like the Arizona Wildcats of the NFL. They both had their Miles Simon run in them, and now they’re Lute Olsen getting upset way to early again (and yes, I’m trying to make as many 1998 references as possible in this).
I think I can state this definitively: The Ravens are the only team to ever go to the Conference Championships in my lifetime while having white kickoff and punt returners. See, that’s the type of in depth analysis you only get here on the Barney Show.
Alright, work time. Pray for me in the town that is being turned into Pittsburgh Southeast for the foreseeable future.
On the plus side, we would have Andy Reid doing interviews with a five week beard going. That should be fun. And hopefully some retrospectives of McNabb puking.
I wanted to write this last week, but I’m on the Arizona bandwagon for the sole reason that after Rolle scored that touchdown after the Turner fumble, he did the Dirty Bird after scoring. New rules: Anyone would does a tribute to 1998 dances gets my support.
Well, the alternative Super Bowl matchup isn’t much better. Ray Lewis’s God Squad versus Kurt Warner’s God Squad. Maybe if we’re lucky, both games will end in a tie and Donavan McNabb will be totally redeemed. But at least its not the nuclear option of Colts vs. Giants. A Manning vs. Manning Super Bowl would cause me to commit at least one homicide (Can you tell I’m a half empty glass type of person? Did the fact that I’m only focusing on bad Super Bowl matchups give that away?).
It’s ok to make Eli jokes now, right? Ok, good, just checking. Here we go. On the plus side, Eli won’t be distracted for next week’s epic showdown with the Williams sisters in their Oreo Racer matchup. Man, does it feel good to make a good Eli joke. I’d been holding off since he proved to be clutch in a playoff game last year. Now, I think it’s back to open season on the Mannings. They’re like the Arizona Wildcats of the NFL. They both had their Miles Simon run in them, and now they’re Lute Olsen getting upset way to early again (and yes, I’m trying to make as many 1998 references as possible in this).
I think I can state this definitively: The Ravens are the only team to ever go to the Conference Championships in my lifetime while having white kickoff and punt returners. See, that’s the type of in depth analysis you only get here on the Barney Show.
Alright, work time. Pray for me in the town that is being turned into Pittsburgh Southeast for the foreseeable future.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
OTL: Pacman Jones
After Arizona went up 27-7 at the half last night, I started focusing on the next big NFL event. Not the Philly-Giants game. Before that, it’s the Outside the Lines Pacman Jones shooting episode. Any 30 minute show that ends up with someone cut, I’m there. Also, when a player who’s been suspended multiple times in his four year career is trying to salvage it by talking to Stephen A. Smith, I don’t ask for much, but that just puts it over the top. Since I’ve been designated as somewhat of a Pacman Jones-aholic and may need professional help, I figured I was the best person to document this. SportsCenter is just wrapping up, so let’s get this started.
9:00: Bob Ley put a little emphasis on “another” in “another strip club shooting.” C’mon Bob, who hasn’t been involved in an altercation, like that? People who adore women who wear clear heels shouldn’t throw rocks.
9:02: Of course it was an Atlanta strip club. If you’re wondering, the strip club is called “Blaze.” It’s right next to the “Black Kat”.
9:03: Surveillance of Pacman going into the club. Also, the witness is wearing a Vince Young jersey. I think that speaks for his intelligence.
9:04: First shot of Pacman with his Pacman chain, which is the second best chain in the league outside of KOOOOOOOOOOL-AID.
9:05: “That’s when he put his hands down his pants and said, ‘I’ll kill all of y’all.’”
9:07: Bullet holes and the allegation that Pacman was involved in it. Pacman got involved in the altercation because one of the men was talking to one of his “women.” I’d like some more details on this please.
9:08: Oh boy, we’re going back to Vegas. In court documents, Jones said, “I’m going to fucking kill you. Matter of fact, I’ll kill all of y’all.” That’s like his catch phrase. That’s it, I’m quitting my job and going to start marketing Pacman action figures.
9:09: Lots of legal documents. This isn’t fun. Though one of his co-conspirators is openly questioning the logic behind his statements.
9:10: That’s more like it. One of the guys is nicknamed “Slugga” and is part of the “International Robbing Crew.” Slugga says Jones is his, “Partner.” I’m going to assume he said it like TI does.
9:11: Slugga was apparenty at Club Blaze with Pacman. I’m fairly certain that sentence was not why language was created.
9:13: More people calling Bullshit on Pacman’s statements. I’m eagerly waiting his rebuttal with SAS. Outside the Lines should license the Law & Order sound every time the switch topics. Because this is a genuine crime drama. (Bom-Bom)
9:15: How does OTL get footage of a police interrogation. Either way, Pacman’s name comes up in it.
9:16: Pacman apparently pays $10,000-$20,000 for a hit. Good to know if you ever need some extra spending cash. Even better, this was two days after Jones met with Roger Goddell. Let me repeat that, two days.
9:22: Pacman gets to speak. He “doesn’t want to talk about the past.” He’s joined by his lawyer as well. This isn’t going to be as fun as it could be.
9:23: But SAS is talking about his “obligation”. Jones denies this entire thing entirely. He does say he was at the strip club but hasn’t been to a strip club since then. I call shenanigans on that. (I’m surprise shenanigans shows up in MS Word).
9:25: Pacman calls ESPN “good detectives.” If ESPN are good detectives, Jay Glazer must be Sherlock fucking Holmes.
9:25: Pacman blames his propensity for strip clubs on his drinking problem.
9:26: Woah, Pacman says he’s in AA in Dallas. That caught me off guard. Looks like I have something to do next time I’m in Texas.
9:29: Mort says he’ll be surprised if Jones gets another chance in the NFL.
9:30: And that’s it. We had it all here: Slugga, a catch phrase, a green Dodge Charger, and detecting. Too bad this couldn’t be extended. I’m looking at you HBO Real Sports.
I’ll finish this with something I wrote on Thursday, when I was despondent over the possible loss of the Pacman. Hopefully, this can get us all through these tough times:
So I went home last night, and contemplated what life would be like without Pacman. I was briefly cheered up by this report, of Eli Manning's birthday:
http://www.nypost.com/seven/01072009/gossip/pagesix/lap_of_luxury_149049.htm
But that only reminded me of Mr. Jones. You see, while I can laugh at the thought of Elisha being in a strip club, I'm still thinking of a strip club. And they're not the same without Pacman. And then this morning, while in my car, I heard that the reason Pacman got cut was that there was a report of him being involved in a shooting at a strip club while on suspension for another strip club shooting. It was then that I realized Pacman might not be signed by another team, but he'll still be around. In fact, we might get more crazy stories now that he doesn't have to show up to practice and film sessions every day. I see the next year as being a banner year for him. Every few months or so we'll get stories about him getting arrested again. Maybe he'll even go back to wrestling. If there is a God, he'll have his own reality show on VH1. The point is, Pacman's not going anywhere. And even if he does, the Cowboys still have TO, Tank Johnson, and Jerry Jones.
9:00: Bob Ley put a little emphasis on “another” in “another strip club shooting.” C’mon Bob, who hasn’t been involved in an altercation, like that? People who adore women who wear clear heels shouldn’t throw rocks.
9:02: Of course it was an Atlanta strip club. If you’re wondering, the strip club is called “Blaze.” It’s right next to the “Black Kat”.
9:03: Surveillance of Pacman going into the club. Also, the witness is wearing a Vince Young jersey. I think that speaks for his intelligence.
9:04: First shot of Pacman with his Pacman chain, which is the second best chain in the league outside of KOOOOOOOOOOL-AID.
9:05: “That’s when he put his hands down his pants and said, ‘I’ll kill all of y’all.’”
9:07: Bullet holes and the allegation that Pacman was involved in it. Pacman got involved in the altercation because one of the men was talking to one of his “women.” I’d like some more details on this please.
9:08: Oh boy, we’re going back to Vegas. In court documents, Jones said, “I’m going to fucking kill you. Matter of fact, I’ll kill all of y’all.” That’s like his catch phrase. That’s it, I’m quitting my job and going to start marketing Pacman action figures.
9:09: Lots of legal documents. This isn’t fun. Though one of his co-conspirators is openly questioning the logic behind his statements.
9:10: That’s more like it. One of the guys is nicknamed “Slugga” and is part of the “International Robbing Crew.” Slugga says Jones is his, “Partner.” I’m going to assume he said it like TI does.
9:11: Slugga was apparenty at Club Blaze with Pacman. I’m fairly certain that sentence was not why language was created.
9:13: More people calling Bullshit on Pacman’s statements. I’m eagerly waiting his rebuttal with SAS. Outside the Lines should license the Law & Order sound every time the switch topics. Because this is a genuine crime drama. (Bom-Bom)
9:15: How does OTL get footage of a police interrogation. Either way, Pacman’s name comes up in it.
9:16: Pacman apparently pays $10,000-$20,000 for a hit. Good to know if you ever need some extra spending cash. Even better, this was two days after Jones met with Roger Goddell. Let me repeat that, two days.
9:22: Pacman gets to speak. He “doesn’t want to talk about the past.” He’s joined by his lawyer as well. This isn’t going to be as fun as it could be.
9:23: But SAS is talking about his “obligation”. Jones denies this entire thing entirely. He does say he was at the strip club but hasn’t been to a strip club since then. I call shenanigans on that. (I’m surprise shenanigans shows up in MS Word).
9:25: Pacman calls ESPN “good detectives.” If ESPN are good detectives, Jay Glazer must be Sherlock fucking Holmes.
9:25: Pacman blames his propensity for strip clubs on his drinking problem.
9:26: Woah, Pacman says he’s in AA in Dallas. That caught me off guard. Looks like I have something to do next time I’m in Texas.
9:29: Mort says he’ll be surprised if Jones gets another chance in the NFL.
9:30: And that’s it. We had it all here: Slugga, a catch phrase, a green Dodge Charger, and detecting. Too bad this couldn’t be extended. I’m looking at you HBO Real Sports.
I’ll finish this with something I wrote on Thursday, when I was despondent over the possible loss of the Pacman. Hopefully, this can get us all through these tough times:
So I went home last night, and contemplated what life would be like without Pacman. I was briefly cheered up by this report, of Eli Manning's birthday:
http://www.nypost.com/seven/01072009/gossip/pagesix/lap_of_luxury_149049.htm
But that only reminded me of Mr. Jones. You see, while I can laugh at the thought of Elisha being in a strip club, I'm still thinking of a strip club. And they're not the same without Pacman. And then this morning, while in my car, I heard that the reason Pacman got cut was that there was a report of him being involved in a shooting at a strip club while on suspension for another strip club shooting. It was then that I realized Pacman might not be signed by another team, but he'll still be around. In fact, we might get more crazy stories now that he doesn't have to show up to practice and film sessions every day. I see the next year as being a banner year for him. Every few months or so we'll get stories about him getting arrested again. Maybe he'll even go back to wrestling. If there is a God, he'll have his own reality show on VH1. The point is, Pacman's not going anywhere. And even if he does, the Cowboys still have TO, Tank Johnson, and Jerry Jones.
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