Texas Toast

And we’re back with another exciting episode where your protagonist travels to the Midwest with comical results. Last time we did Kanye quotes based on the release of his new album. Except, I didn’t include any quotes from that album. In the immortal words of Bill Walton, “That’s terrrrrible.” Also, I had a layover at O’Hare, so I spent 20 minutes in the ‘Go for this trip (though if you think I went outside on a morning in February you have to be out of your mind.) So this time, all quotes come from 808s and Heartbreak. Let’s get it started.

“You worry about the wrong things, the wrong things.” - Paranoid
Let’s start with something that didn’t happen but would have been hilarious. For my birthday, my baby momma wanted to get me tickets for me and my daughter to some sort of Texas dance off. Now, traditionally, I wouldn’t do anything that involved dancing in the slightest amount, but hey, now I have a blog to worry about. So this was what went on in my head: Baby Momma: “So I was thinking of getting you tickets to go with your daughter to go dancing the Friday before her birthday. Is that something you’d be interested in?”
Barney: (What the fuck? Dancing? Wait, this would be hilarious. Can you imagine how ridiculous going dancing with a bunch of Texans would be like? I can’t even imagine the possibilities.) “Yeah, we can do that. You know if she wants to.”Unfortunately, she didn’t want to, so this idea was nixed. Too bad. This quote was also selected because it was the only one I could ever see myself drunk dancing to. Just in case you were interested (which I highly doubt).

“Dad cracked a joke all the kids laughed, but I couldn’t hear them all the way in first class.” - Welcome to Heartbreak
Well there has been one positive of the recession we’re in now: there is absolutely no one on airlines. On both my trips down and back, I had an entire row to myself. What are the benefits to you the reader? You get a Texas Toast sooner because I can start writing it on the plane and not be worried that the person will report me.
By the way, is this the most ridiculous line ever? I think this is a good song, but am I supposed to feel bad for Kanye in this case? Oh no, you’re missing out on some family friendly comedy in first class. I guess you’ll just have to drown you pain in the free booze up there. Give me a break (the rest of the song is good though, I swear).

“It’s amazing, so amazing, so amazing.” - Amazing
This quote goes out to the Eagle, which if some older man who prefers to go by the name of “Pops” is to be believed. On Friday, the local library was having an event for kids to teach them about eagles. Of course I got dragged into this, so I’m sitting there with my daughter at this completely ridiculous learning experience. Pops sole knowledge about eagles seemed to know that he knew how Indians captured eagle feathers (Yes, they were referred to as Indians continuously. I’m guessing PC hasn’t broken out in Texas yet. Not that I’m offended by that, but I do feel that in today’s world if you’re going to be insulting, at least don’t confuse me. A simple “Red Dot” or “Feather” in front will suffice. I encourage this language, but please be more offensive for clarification purposes.) Sorry, there was another thing we learned. If you’re ever lost in the woods, hold up a red bandana and wait for park rangers to save you. I’m guessing all park rangers are Bloods then. Because what if one is a Crip? Will they still save you? Or just shank you? These are the things I think about while at library functions for three year olds.
All of this eagle stuff was apparently in promotion for this weekends “Eagle Fest”. I did not know that I was in the “Eagle Capital of Texas” and this weekend they were celebrating it. It was a big deal because I casually mentioned this to someone and they were like, “Oh yeah, it is Eagle Fest Weekend”. I have nothing left to add except to note that I’m glad the West End’s civic events kick East Texas event’s ass. A day devoted to binge drinking is far superior to getting in a boat and looking for eagles.
I also got to experience a public library in Texas. Let’s just say I might not make fun of Vince Young as much. To borrow a phrase I used for the training program for new employees, “I’m not going to spoon feed them information, but what they had before wasn’t really food and it was just thrown on the floor and they were given a plastice spork.” Their technology section had a grand total of 6 books. And I’m fairly certain none of them were written in the past 10 years. But they did have the new Joan Rivers book prominently displayed. I’m glad Texas has its educational priorities firmly in place.

“You spoiled little LA girl.” – RoboCop
This one goes out to one of my family members who feels it necessary to buy random ass shit for my daughter all the time. Seriously, my daughter doesn’t need a power wheels. That’s one thing. But don’t call me and ask me if I think it’s a good idea, when I say no, she has enough stuff, then go and call my baby mama and put the idea in her head. So if that someone calls me in the next day or so and I tell them to go fuck themselves and that paying out my ass in child support entitles me to make parental decisions, I’ll only take partial responsibility for my actions. Just know they have it coming and some people need to be reminded who they’re related to. And if not then fuck them.

“Standing at my podium, I’m tryna watch my sodium, die of high blood pressure, I’d rather let the feds catch me.” - Amazing
Moving on from that and back into the making fun of Texas portion of our show, after the enthralling trip to the library, we went for lunch at a diner. It had the essentials on each table: salt, pepper, ketchup, butter. Let me repeat, each table had a bottle of Parkay butter. I’m not sure what for since nothing I saw on the menu would require butter for it. Burgers, hot dogs and fries do not require the addition of butter. At least not in my world. I’m gathering the law friendly Texans would have no problem getting caught by the Feds. Young Jeezy, they are not.

“If you’re happy and you know it, stomp your feet. If you’re happy and you know it, stomp your feet.”
Wait, this isn’t a Kanye song? Oh, sorry, this is just seared into my brain, complete with the kicking of the back of my seat. My daughter is into her kids song phase, and I was only given one CD, so not only did I have to have annoying kids songs played all weekend, it was the same 13 songs on repeat. So what did I get her for her birthday? That’s right, a CD player with headphones. She can listen to that shit on her own now. Of course, since it’s my luck, her birthday was on the last day I was there, so I won’t get to realize this benefit this until the next time I see her. And I give it 2:1 odds that by that time, she’s broken it.

“Seems like, street lights, glowing, happen to be just like moments, passing in front of me…” – Street Lights
This quote goes out to the cows of Texas. Because apparently, flashing lights are just a moment, not those of an oncoming car. I had to stop and wait 5 minutes for cows to pass through a dirt road for me to go. If you think I’m getting out of the car to move those things, you don’t know me. There was about 3 seconds where I considered it, but I reconsidered after thinking about what would happen if one of these got angry and charged at me. I distinctly remember the phrase, “I ain’t going out like that,” going through my head, and thinking how embarrassing it would be to have my friends coming up to my casket to mourn me while secretly thinking, “Damn, Barnes went out cause of an angry bull. What a bitch ass.” So 5 minutes were a fair exchange for not having people laughing at my funeral. Not that they won’t, but that’s one thing they won’t be laughing at. You still have an opportunity to laugh at how the funeral director addresses the first death by exploding liver or the suit choice my parents will most likely make for me (Please don’t let my dad make this decision. Nor should J-Man be involved in any way either. I’m not wearing a sock tie for eternity.)

“Who knew she was a drama queen, that would turn my life to Stephen King’s” - RoboCop
I’m not going to get into the details here, but just know that when someone told me they were going to Vegas in a month, my first thought was, “Weren’t you just telling me three months ago how money was tight and you needed some help?” I’m not a genius, but I don’t think broke motherfuckers go to the Strip, but what do I know?

“You think your shit don’t stink, but you are Mrs. Pee-Yew.” – See You in My Nightmare
Have you ever wondered how people handle their garbage in Middle of Nowhere, Texas? No, probably not a burning question in your life, is it. Well they don’t have garbage service, which bewildered me at first. Who doesn’t have garbage pick up? Even more disconcerting was what they do as an alternative…burn the garbage. Seriously, you go out back an burn that shit? That has to be the worst chore ever.
I also noticed that I haven’t seen a drain while out visiting my daughter. No wonder Texas is always getting flooded. Water doesn’t have anywhere to go.
It also raised another, more difficult question: Where do former high school basketball stars work? Because all the ones I grew up with work at the sanitation department. If there’s no garbage or drains does this mean they have to get actual jobs? I’ll follow up on this the next time I go down there.

“My daughter found Nemo, I’m tryna find Premo.”
Another pause from the Kanye trip to interject some Common. I watched Finding Nemo this weekend with my daughter and had this going through my head the entire time. Well, if you don’t count the time I was answering questions from my daughter. A little advice, don’t start a movie in the middle with a three year old. You’ll be answering plot questions for the remainder of it. Just find another movie that’s starting.

“Seems like, street lights, glowing, happen to be just like moments, passing in front of me…” – Street Lights
Yeah, I know I used this before, but I couldn’t think of anything else to use. My flight down stopped in Dallas and was going on to Midland/Odessa. I had a strong urge to stay on and go see Mike Winchell, my daughter’s birthday be damned. But in the end, I bitched out of it.
Also related to this, the high school my baby momma went to is now the Texas state champs in football. This would mean a lot more to me if I had a son. I would be able to deal with a third world school system if it meant he played Texas high school football. I’m fairly certain their junior highs would pound my high school’s team. All I know is that our Sanitation Department would overwhelm them in basketball.

“Why would she make calls out the blue?” – Say You Will
Another fun part about having a 3 year old is watching television with them. On Friday we watched some program that I think was called GabbaGabba, but I’m not sure. The best way to describe this show would be that it would be the greatest show to watch when you’re tripping balls. In fact, you might not even need to be on any drugs to enjoy this one. It features a black guy in a spandex suit, but looks like the guy from the Humpty Hump video from the face up. There are robots, an orange cucumber with legs, and what looks like a purple Philly phanatic as main characters. Oh, and they just randomly cut to scenes of kids dancing. If I had the Noggin Network at home, I would be watching this whenever possible.
Anyway, this quote comes is because it reminds me of “Just a Friend”, because guess who’s on this show? That’s right, Biz Markie, who has a feature called, “Biz’s Beat of the Day. He has a nice big gold dookie chain as well. This just pushed this show over the top in children’s shows that are really entertaining for adults.

Alright, I think I covered all of the stuff I needed to. 2200 words. I think I got my Texas Toast mojo back. Hope you enjoyed.