All Star Saturday Night

Last week my baby mamma asked me what I was doing next Saturday. After thinking for a second, I replied, “It’s All Star Saturday Night, so I’ll imagine I’ll be watching that.” Of course, I didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day because that doesn’t really matter to me. I do feel a little disturb that I’m not with a significant other this year, because Chuck isn’t part of the TNT crew tonight. I say that jokingly, but the more I think about it, I’m realizing Chuck is closer to me than any female. I’m pretty sure that me debating whether to wear a t-shirt that makes reference to an Alabaman rednecks leprechaun siteing or my Stephen Jackson for Mayor shirt sealed my deal last night that I’m not someone who should be with someone for Valentine’s (I’m honestly afraid to wear the Jackson shirt because that’s never being topped. If I ever wear that out, I don’t know where I go next). In a related story, my date didn’t work out so well last night. Drinking 400 mL of Irish Whisky and settling in to go to bed before going out is not the best pregame to get laid. Getting a call to see if you want to meet up and then going to puke up the sleeping pills you took? Even worse. So I ended up meeting up with LA after that debacle and we put together an embarrassing shuffle board performance. Fantastic. I did enjoy getting woken up at 9 o’clock this morning with, “Crap, I need to get to this wine festival. And why is there a bottle of Patron on my floor?” I’m still trying to figure out if I’m more impressed by the fact that I get woken up to go to a wine festival or that someone decided to have a wine festival on Valentine’s Day. At this point, I’m going to go with the wine festival because someone had to have the idea to have singles drown their sorrows. Catering to degenerate alcoholics? I approve of that. (If you can’t tell, my experiment with sobriety has crashed into the divider and is in flames on the side of the road. I’m hoping my liver has regenerated sufficiently.) Wait, this is supposed to be a basketball column? Ok, fine. Here’s a running diary of Saturday Night.

8:05: Wait, Allen Iverson cut his braids? I haven’t been watching CNN today, but this should be national news.

8:11: I feel completely justified in spending the night at home when Kevin Harlan starts making jokes about Kenny Smith’s childhood. I mean, how many times a year does that happen? The TNT crew has to be the only one tv crew in America who’s responsibility includes finding incriminating pictures of the on air talent.

8:17: It looks like Bill Russell has been out enjoying the weekends festivities because it looks like he hasn’t shaved since Sunday. In what might be the only serious note of the night, Russell is That Dude. Harlan said that it’s debatable that he’s the most respected person in the NBA community. This is debatable? Ummm….who else is even in this debate?

8:24: Sonic blows my mind by having this quote in their commercial: “Money doesn’t grow on trees. Actually it does because it’s paper but I guess that’s just irony.” How has this joke not been made before? Have I just never heard this before? Between this and the Bill Russell question, I didn’t expect NBA All Star Weekend to be thought provoking.

8:29: I’m all for Joe Johnson getting a national commercial, but this might be the worst Jordan commercial ever.

8:30: SunTrust just ran a commercial saying that we’re not into shiny expensive things anymore. And they’re advertising this on an NBA All Star Weekend broadcast. I’ll let that sink in before mentioning that I’m fairly certain that NBA players are the most recession proof item out there. It’s even more bankable than rappers. Also, Britney Spears is the music for the intro to tonight. The NBA, where pretending that our audience isn’t hip hop and is middle America when it’s obviously not happens.

8:33: Dan Majerle makes an appearance. I feel better because about writing this while drinking alone because this is Jim Bones’ highlight of the year as well.

8:37: It’s also the highlight of Michael Cooper’s year as well. And I’m making Michael Cooper jokes. Fantastic. Enjoy the fact that you’re at the only blog on the internet that’s doing that.

8:41: I can’t be the only one who thinks Gatorade’s new ad campaign is retarded, right? Because it’s awful. The only redeeming fact is that they have Lil’ Wayne as part of it. It’s always fun to have someone announcing athletes who only consumes Gatorade in the morning because he needs to hydrate after getting high as shit the night before.

8:45: Reggie Miller: “Becky Hammon can shoot.” Barney: “She can also catch it.” There, I said it.

9:00: Let’s be honest, all these events are foreplay to the intercourse that is the Slam Dunk Contest. And Dwight Howard is a bad bitch. They had a special on TNT that went through the Dunk Contest in history and I’m not going to lie, there were moments where I sat there and said, “I remember where I was when that happened.”

9:02: If you would have told me that Al Harrington would have a national tv commercial, I would have called your bullshit and then would have prepared for our national economic implosion because Al fucking Harrington is a marketable commodity. If you then said it would be for K-Mart, it would have made a lot more sense. Because even Wal-Mart looks down on that place.
9:06: Does anyone else realize the irony that PlayStation is sponsoring the Skills Contest? Because this is a system that encourages an orgy of 3s and dunks. Also, on an unrelated note, I don’t own a system, but if they redid NBA Jam, I would buy a gaming system.

9:09: Did they just play Stone Temple Pilots after Derek Rose’s attempt? Even more shocking? Kevin Harlan just referred to Devin Harris as an “emerging superstar”. I know Harlan is prone to hyperbole, but I would have gone with, “Jay-Z’s only enticement in 2010 if the Brooklyn arena falls through.” (I just got a new laptop and apparently Jay-Z isn’t a spelling error in the new MS Word. You know you’ve made it when that happens. Like you honestly care about this.)

9:14: Reggie just referred to Fratello as the biggest flip-flopper since John McCain. I’m not prepared to live in a world where Reggie Miller is making political jokes (though I’m not sure that McCain has ever been accused of flip-flopping. Wasn’t that John Kerry?).

9:17: After Derek Rose won the contest, Harlan’s response was, “What is Dwyane Wade wearing tonight?” If a man who works with Craig Sager is calling out someone’s dressing, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that we’re dangerously close to this All Star Weekend’s defining moment being everyone asking, “Has D Weezy lost his damn mind?” (We’ll also look back and laugh that Lil’ Wayne was the hottest dude in music at the time. If you had told me when I was a high school senior that someone from the Hot Boyz that wasn’t Juvenile was going to be in everyone’s remix in 2009 I would have looked at you very confusedly. As late as 2005 I laughed at King Bunt’s assessment that Weezy was hot. I later had to concede, “Good looking out on the head’s up on The Carter.” If you can’t tell, I’m trying to find something to write about something that diverts me from 1000 words about how Gatorade used to do commercials with Jordan and are now doing ones with contestants from a dancing group show on MTV.)

9:26: After making a comment on the state of music today, TNT comes back from a commercial with a song where I’m still trying to figure out if the artist is black or Asian. So maybe you should just disregard that note from 9:17.

9:29: I could watch Larry Bird’s 3 Point Contests all day. They just showed his 86 contest. Remember when superstars competed in All Star Saturday Night? Vince Carter’s hype for the dunk contest in Oakland? Multiply that by about a thousand if LeBron entered the contest. There is absolutely nothing that would surprise me if Bron tried it. My guess would be that he does a dunk from a step behind the free throw line to up Jordan. The fact that I’m actually thinking about how much I would lose my mind if this actually happened. So there you go, a blog devoted to drinking stories and Ron Artest is calling you out LeBron.

9:37: Kenny says that Daquan Cook isn’t ready for the lights and cameras. Wasn’t he in the NCAA national championship game with THE Ohio State University? I’m now calling out Kenny Smith’s fact checking. If I had more than 5 readers, this might get somewhere.

9:41: I’m a Jack guy, but I have to say, Jim Beam’s “The Girlfriend” commercial is fantastic.

9:43: Gary Payton is on TNT’s website wearing a t-shirt. Why is anyone surprised by the fact that Payton is a fantastic analyst? I could have told you this in 1996.

9:46: Reggie called out Roger Mason’s ashiness, saying he needs Jergens. .

9:47: Reggie just called out Ben Howland’s dedication to shooting. If you wonder why I’m drinking alone on Valentine’s it might be the fact that not only do I pick up on these references, I’m actually entertained by them.
9:49: D Weeazy is wearing a white suit with red glasses. This has to be the first time in history that an NBA player takes fashion sense from a proposed cabinet member (Yes, that was a Tom Daschle reference. And you’re wondering why you read my blog. Because where else can you go from conjuring up Big’s ashy to classy to political humor? Only on The Barney Show.)

9:56: Shaq’s suit is apparently “Everlasting Cactus Green”. Wade has a bandaid on his face and is doing a Kanye/Nelly hybrid. Honestly, this weekend will be known for the ridiculous Wade outfit.

10:01: This is wear we’re missing Chuck. Because he would be going to town on his Fav Five’s outfit.

10:02: And D-Weezy’s band aid says, “WADE”. If this wasn’t the story of the weekend, this fact just did it.

10:07: I’m not going to lie, I’m a fan of this Kevin Rudolph song (though before this, I didn’t know his actual name. It was always that rock song that Weezy is featured on). If it comes on the radio, I will listen to it. Unfortunately, Lil’ Wayne wasn’t available. You’re telling me you couldn’t get a rapper to All Star Weekend? I find that unacceptable. If there’s further evidence that everything before the dunk contest is the pregame, it’s that I’ve apparently turned into US Weekly because I’m having more comments about fashion and rappers than actual athletes.

10:11: I would have given you 6:1 odds that Nate Robinson started crowd surfing during his introduction. And I would have taken the Yes.

10:19: Fuck yes. They’re making references to Tom Chambers dunk over Mark Jackson. I can’t describe how excited this makes me because I was demanding this be mentioned as one of his qualifications to judge this. I need to get a life.

10:21: Wow, JR Smith has a lot of tats. I love that the Nuggets trade AI and still have the league tat lead.

10:23: Reason # 1,095 why I love All Star Weekend is that Ludicris is sitting next to Daryl Dawkins. 1,096 is that Kenny and Reggie made a reference to Martin and then immediately changed it up upon finding out that Martin died.

10:25: Reggie just called out LeBron. Howard did an ok dunk and just got a 50. I love Kenny Smith’s passion for the judging of this. Nice to know that I’m not the only one.

10:28: As we go to commercial, I’d like to note my favorite All Star moment, when McGrady threw it off the backboard to himself in 2002. Why? Because I stopped banging a chick to see the replay. If he ever makes the Hall of Fame, his plaque should say, “His play interrupted Barney’s intercourse”, because it’s not like that happens everyday. The me getting laid part is what I’m referring to.

10:31: Kenny insults all of Spain. I love this thing.

10:37: Kenny’s next beef? The people assisting on the dunk. And Nate Robinson did a ridiculous dunk. And then leaves the arena. Kenny seems to think that jumping on someone helps you. In fact, it hurts you because it’s an anti-trampoline. Instead of bouncing you, there’s a negative vertical effect. I’m glad I have an engineering degree so I can apply it to dunk contests. There’s a reason it cost an eighth of a million dollars.

10:40: Dwight Howard owns this competition. In the words of Maximus, he’s won the crowd. I am entertained.

10:43: I think everyone has the same reaction as me. Did that just happen? Was it that easy for a human to dunk at 12 feet? I don’t think we’ve had a mix of awe and disappointment at the same time.

10:44: I think that this is just a set up and Howard is just going to do all his final dunks at 12. Which would completely blow my mind. To copy a business phrase, he would shift the paradigm of the dunk contest. If he pulls off a windmill on a 12 foot rim, that’s it, it’s over. There will be no one who beats that (secretly wishing LeBron takes the challenge and then realizing that his true skill is running through linebackers in

10:47: And Nate just changed into green and put his kryptonite on. And Kevin Harlan just coined the “Kryptonite Dance”.

10:48: LeBron just said he was in the dunk contest. Honestly, I’m not ready to process it.

10:50: OH MY GOD. In the words of Reggie Miller, “This is not fair.”

10:52: Nate just did his thing. It’s 2009. Every hot rapper except for Jeezzy is on the same song at the Grammys, dunk contestants are helping each other. Global collaboration is happening.

10:53: LeBron just put his name in the dunk contest. President’s Weekend is locked in 2010. And it’s in Dallas? My daughter’s 4th birthday just became a week vacation.

10:55: Ehh…as Kenny said, “Michael did it without the off hand.”

10:58: Nate won it, and he deserved it. Howard’s last dunk was doo doo. His first dunk in the finals was ridiculous and as I said earlier, he should have done everything at 12 feet. That’s it, I’m quitting my job at IT consultant, I’m going to be an NBA
Dunk Contest judge.

11:01: Does Nate really think God cares who wins a slam dunk contest? We’ve reached the limit of ridiculous thanking.

11:08: Ok, that’s the night. The countdown to Dallas 2010 begins. Last week my baby mamma asked me what I was doing next Saturday. After thinking for a second, I replied, “It’s All Star Saturday Night, so I’ll imagine I’ll be watching that.” Of course, I didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day because that doesn’t really matter to me. I do feel a little disturb that I’m not with a significant other this year, because Chuck isn’t part of the TNT crew tonight. I say that jokingly, but the more I think about it, I’m realizing Chuck is closer to me than any female. I’m pretty sure that me debating whether to wear a t-shirt that makes reference to an Alabaman rednecks leprechaun siteing or my Stephen Jackson for Mayor shirt sealed my deal last night that I’m not someone who should be with someone for Valentine’s (I’m honestly afraid to wear the Jackson shirt because that’s never being topped. If I ever wear that out, I don’t know where I go next). In a related story, my date didn’t work out so well last night. Drinking 400 mL of Irish Whisky and settling in to go to bed before going out is not the best pregame to get laid. Getting a call to see if you want to meet up and then going to puke up the sleeping pills you took? Even worse. So I ended up meeting up with LA after that debacle and we put together an embarrassing shuffle board performance. Fantastic. I did enjoy getting woken up at 9 o’clock this morning with, “Crap, I need to get to this wine festival. And why is there a bottle of Patron on my floor?” I’m still trying to figure out if I’m more impressed by the fact that I get woken up to go to a wine festival or that someone decided to have a wine festival on Valentine’s Day. At this point, I’m going to go with the wine festival because someone had to have the idea to have singles drown their sorrows. Catering to degenerate alcoholics? I approve of that. (If you can’t tell, my experiment with sobriety has crashed into the divider and is in flames on the side of the road. I’m hoping my liver has regenerated sufficiently.) Wait, this is supposed to be a basketball column? Ok, fine. Here’s a running diary of Saturday Night.

8:05: Wait, Allen Iverson cut his braids? I haven’t been watching CNN today, but this should be national news.

8:11: I feel completely justified in spending the night at home when Kevin Harlan starts making jokes about Kenny Smith’s childhood. I mean, how many times a year does that happen? The TNT crew has to be the only one tv crew in America who’s responsibility includes finding incriminating pictures of the on air talent.

8:17: It looks like Bill Russell has been out enjoying the weekends festivities because it looks like he hasn’t shaved since Sunday. In what might be the only serious note of the night, Russell is That Dude. Harlan said that it’s debatable that he’s the most respected person in the NBA community. This is debatable? Ummm….who else is even in this debate?

8:24: Sonic blows my mind by having this quote in their commercial: “Money doesn’t grow on trees. Actually it does because it’s paper but I guess that’s just irony.” How has this joke not been made before? Have I just never heard this before? Between this and the Bill Russell question, I didn’t expect NBA All Star Weekend to be thought provoking.

8:29: I’m all for Joe Johnson getting a national commercial, but this might be the worst Jordan commercial ever.

8:30: SunTrust just ran a commercial saying that we’re not into shiny expensive things anymore. And they’re advertising this on an NBA All Star Weekend broadcast. I’ll let that sink in before mentioning that I’m fairly certain that NBA players are the most recession proof item out there. It’s even more bankable than rappers. Also, Britney Spears is the music for the intro to tonight. The NBA, where pretending that our audience isn’t hip hop and is middle America when it’s obviously not happens.

8:33: Dan Majerle makes an appearance. I feel better because about writing this while drinking alone because this is Jim Bones’ highlight of the year as well.

8:37: It’s also the highlight of Michael Cooper’s year as well. And I’m making Michael Cooper jokes. Fantastic. Enjoy the fact that you’re at the only blog on the internet that’s doing that.

8:41: I can’t be the only one who thinks Gatorade’s new ad campaign is retarded, right? Because it’s awful. The only redeeming fact is that they have Lil’ Wayne as part of it. It’s always fun to have someone announcing athletes who only consumes Gatorade in the morning because he needs to hydrate after getting high as shit the night before.

8:45: Reggie Miller: “Becky Hammon can shoot.” Barney: “She can also catch it.” There, I said it.

9:00: Let’s be honest, all these events are foreplay to the intercourse that is the Slam Dunk Contest. And Dwight Howard is a bad bitch. They had a special on TNT that went through the Dunk Contest in history and I’m not going to lie, there were moments where I sat there and said, “I remember where I was when that happened.”

9:02: If you would have told me that Al Harrington would have a national tv commercial, I would have called your bullshit and then would have prepared for our national economic implosion because Al fucking Harrington is a marketable commodity. If you then said it would be for K-Mart, it would have made a lot more sense. Because even Wal-Mart looks down on that place.
9:06: Does anyone else realize the irony that PlayStation is sponsoring the Skills Contest? Because this is a system that encourages an orgy of 3s and dunks. Also, on an unrelated note, I don’t own a system, but if they redid NBA Jam, I would buy a gaming system.

9:09: Did they just play Stone Temple Pilots after Derek Rose’s attempt? Even more shocking? Kevin Harlan just referred to Devin Harris as an “emerging superstar”. I know Harlan is prone to hyperbole, but I would have gone with, “Jay-Z’s only enticement in 2010 if the Brooklyn arena falls through.” (I just got a new laptop and apparently Jay-Z isn’t a spelling error in the new MS Word. You know you’ve made it when that happens. Like you honestly care about this.)

9:14: Reggie just referred to Fratello as the biggest flip-flopper since John McCain. I’m not prepared to live in a world where Reggie Miller is making political jokes (though I’m not sure that McCain has ever been accused of flip-flopping. Wasn’t that John Kerry?).

9:17: After Derek Rose won the contest, Harlan’s response was, “What is Dwyane Wade wearing tonight?” If a man who works with Craig Sager is calling out someone’s dressing, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that we’re dangerously close to this All Star Weekend’s defining moment being everyone asking, “Has D Weezy lost his damn mind?” (We’ll also look back and laugh that Lil’ Wayne was the hottest dude in music at the time. If you had told me when I was a high school senior that someone from the Hot Boyz that wasn’t Juvenile was going to be in everyone’s remix in 2009 I would have looked at you very confusedly. As late as 2005 I laughed at King Bunt’s assessment that Weezy was hot. I later had to concede, “Good looking out on the head’s up on The Carter.” If you can’t tell, I’m trying to find something to write about something that diverts me from 1000 words about how Gatorade used to do commercials with Jordan and are now doing ones with contestants from a dancing group show on MTV.)

9:26: After making a comment on the state of music today, TNT comes back from a commercial with a song where I’m still trying to figure out if the artist is black or Asian. So maybe you should just disregard that note from 9:17.

9:29: I could watch Larry Bird’s 3 Point Contests all day. They just showed his 86 contest. Remember when superstars competed in All Star Saturday Night? Vince Carter’s hype for the dunk contest in Oakland? Multiply that by about a thousand if LeBron entered the contest. There is absolutely nothing that would surprise me if Bron tried it. My guess would be that he does a dunk from a step behind the free throw line to up Jordan. The fact that I’m actually thinking about how much I would lose my mind if this actually happened. So there you go, a blog devoted to drinking stories and Ron Artest is calling you out LeBron.

9:37: Kenny says that Daquan Cook isn’t ready for the lights and cameras. Wasn’t he in the NCAA national championship game with THE Ohio State University? I’m now calling out Kenny Smith’s fact checking. If I had more than 5 readers, this might get somewhere.

9:41: I’m a Jack guy, but I have to say, Jim Beam’s “The Girlfriend” commercial is fantastic.

9:43: Gary Payton is on TNT’s website wearing a t-shirt. Why is anyone surprised by the fact that Payton is a fantastic analyst? I could have told you this in 1996.

9:46: Reggie called out Roger Mason’s ashiness, saying he needs Jergens. .

9:47: Reggie just called out Ben Howland’s dedication to shooting. If you wonder why I’m drinking alone on Valentine’s it might be the fact that not only do I pick up on these references, I’m actually entertained by them.
9:49: D Weeazy is wearing a white suit with red glasses. This has to be the first time in history that an NBA player takes fashion sense from a proposed cabinet member (Yes, that was a Tom Daschle reference. And you’re wondering why you read my blog. Because where else can you go from conjuring up Big’s ashy to classy to political humor? Only on The Barney Show.)

9:56: Shaq’s suit is apparently “Everlasting Cactus Green”. Wade has a bandaid on his face and is doing a Kanye/Nelly hybrid. Honestly, this weekend will be known for the ridiculous Wade outfit.

10:01: This is wear we’re missing Chuck. Because he would be going to town on his Fav Five’s outfit.

10:02: And D-Weezy’s band aid says, “WADE”. If this wasn’t the story of the weekend, this fact just did it.

10:07: I’m not going to lie, I’m a fan of this Kevin Rudolph song (though before this, I didn’t know his actual name. It was always that rock song that Weezy is featured on). If it comes on the radio, I will listen to it. Unfortunately, Lil’ Wayne wasn’t available. You’re telling me you couldn’t get a rapper to All Star Weekend? I find that unacceptable. If there’s further evidence that everything before the dunk contest is the pregame, it’s that I’ve apparently turned into US Weekly because I’m having more comments about fashion and rappers than actual athletes.

10:11: I would have given you 6:1 odds that Nate Robinson started crowd surfing during his introduction. And I would have taken the Yes.

10:19: Fuck yes. They’re making references to Tom Chambers dunk over Mark Jackson. I can’t describe how excited this makes me because I was demanding this be mentioned as one of his qualifications to judge this. I need to get a life.

10:21: Wow, JR Smith has a lot of tats. I love that the Nuggets trade AI and still have the league tat lead.

10:23: Reason # 1,095 why I love All Star Weekend is that Ludicris is sitting next to Daryl Dawkins. 1,096 is that Kenny and Reggie made a reference to Martin and then immediately changed it up upon finding out that Martin died.

10:25: Reggie just called out LeBron. Howard did an ok dunk and just got a 50. I love Kenny Smith’s passion for the judging of this. Nice to know that I’m not the only one.

10:28: As we go to commercial, I’d like to note my favorite All Star moment, when McGrady threw it off the backboard to himself in 2002. Why? Because I stopped banging a chick to see the replay. If he ever makes the Hall of Fame, his plaque should say, “His play interrupted Barney’s intercourse”, because it’s not like that happens everyday. The me getting laid part is what I’m referring to.

10:31: Kenny insults all of Spain. I love this thing.

10:37: Kenny’s next beef? The people assisting on the dunk. And Nate Robinson did a ridiculous dunk. And then leaves the arena. Kenny seems to think that jumping on someone helps you. In fact, it hurts you because it’s an anti-trampoline. Instead of bouncing you, there’s a negative vertical effect. I’m glad I have an engineering degree so I can apply it to dunk contests. There’s a reason it cost an eighth of a million dollars.

10:40: Dwight Howard owns this competition. In the words of Maximus, he’s won the crowd. I am entertained.

10:43: I think everyone has the same reaction as me. Did that just happen? Was it that easy for a human to dunk at 12 feet? I don’t think we’ve had a mix of awe and disappointment at the same time.

10:44: I think that this is just a set up and Howard is just going to do all his final dunks at 12. Which would completely blow my mind. To copy a business phrase, he would shift the paradigm of the dunk contest. If he pulls off a windmill on a 12 foot rim, that’s it, it’s over. There will be no one who beats that (secretly wishing LeBron takes the challenge and then realizing that his true skill is running through linebackers in

10:47: And Nate just changed into green and put his kryptonite on. And Kevin Harlan just coined the “Kryptonite Dance”.

10:48: LeBron just said he was in the dunk contest. Honestly, I’m not ready to process it.

10:50: OH MY GOD. In the words of Reggie Miller, “This is not fair.”

10:52: Nate just did his thing. It’s 2009. Every hot rapper except for Jeezzy is on the same song at the Grammys, dunk contestants are helping each other. Global collaboration is happening.

10:53: LeBron just put his name in the dunk contest. President’s Weekend is locked in 2010. And it’s in Dallas? My daughter’s 4th birthday just became a week vacation.

10:55: Ehh…as Kenny said, “Michael did it without the off hand.”

10:58: Nate won it, and he deserved it. Howard’s last dunk was doo doo. His first dunk in the finals was ridiculous and as I said earlier, he should have done everything at 12 feet. That’s it, I’m quitting my job at IT consultant, I’m going to be an NBA
Dunk Contest judge.

11:01: Does Nate really think God cares who wins a slam dunk contest? We’ve reached the limit of ridiculous thanking.

11:08: Ok, that’s the night. The countdown to Dallas 2010 begins.