Top 7 - Free Ookie

It’s almost the end of February and I haven’t come up with a half baked scheme to help the Jets yet? For shame. Well, this week, that scheme came to me, as the Falcons announced that they would be looking to trade Michael Vick. Within about 3 seconds, my mind was already calculating why the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets should sign him. It took me a week, but I now have 7 good reasons why they should get Vick. And let me be clear, this isn’t for trading for Vick. If the Falcons want anyone to pick up that enormous contract they should include the entire Bad Newz Kennels operation, free Home Depot for life, and 2,000 number seven jerseys with “Mexico” on the back. These are the top 7 reasons why the Jets should sign Vick after he gets cut by the Falcons.

7. If Vick goes to a smaller market, he’ll be THE story for the entire season. In New York, he’ll be the story for a week, and then will get kicked off the back page when A-Rod does something stupid again, followed by the inevitable Mets September collapse. I don’t think he’ll have any problems with the booing. I’m fairly certain that booing is a drop in the bucket compared to trying to avoid getting raped in federal prison in terms of things that might affect your performace. Not that I ever want to know.
6. Vick also has to worry about the local residents of where he lands. The one team I keep hearing would be the 49ers. If there’s a city that would be most likely to have PETA wackos outside the practice facilities, San Francisco would be number one on the list. There may be some in New York (here’s one from Queensbridge, http://blog.peta.org/archives/2009/02/ron_artest.php. And yes, I’ve been waiting to fit that in somewhere), but I doubt they’ll want to travel all the way out to Florahm Park, New Jersey.
5. This isn’t just about Michael. Marcus’s exploits would now be covered by the world leader in journalism, the New York Post. Waving a gun at a McDonald’s in Virginia Beach gets you arrested. Do that on 42nd st, someone takes a picture on a camera phone and you’re on Page 6 the next day.
4. New coach Rex Ryan(who I love by the way) wants a physical team. I ask you, who’s more physical that someone who understands the pure, unadulterated ferocity of pit bull fighting? I say no one. Plus, he just finished coaching a team led by Ray Lewis, so he knows how to coach someone who can get stabby every once in awhile.
3. From an actual football perspective, now is the time to get him. Because Vick was born to run the Wildcat offense and NFL defenses haven’t quite figured it out yet. 2-3 years from now, they will have, but maybe by that time, he might be able to figure out how to complete a pass that requires touch.
2. Worst case? You make him receiver. He had leverage when he was the #1 pick in the draft to say he wants to be seen as a quarterback. When you haven’t played a down in more than 2 years and just got out of Leavenworth? Significantly less.
1. The number one reason? Who the fuck else are they going to get to play quarterback. The depth chart currently reads Kellen Clemens, Brett Ratliff and Eric Ainge. I’ve heard rumor of Derek fucking Anderson getting traded. Dear Lord. You’re telling me Vick isn’t a better option than that. Now you’re probably saying, “Draft a quarterback.” Have you seen this class? Matthew Stafford has bust written all over him. Mark Sanchez? Put it this way, I already have a request that I watch the draft with me so they can watch me lose it when Mark Sanchez gets picked by the Jets. So yes, I’m less than thrilled with this years QB class.

So the Free Ookie campaign of 2007 has been renamed the Free Ookie From the Falcons campaign in 2009.