OTL: Pacman Jones

After Arizona went up 27-7 at the half last night, I started focusing on the next big NFL event. Not the Philly-Giants game. Before that, it’s the Outside the Lines Pacman Jones shooting episode. Any 30 minute show that ends up with someone cut, I’m there. Also, when a player who’s been suspended multiple times in his four year career is trying to salvage it by talking to Stephen A. Smith, I don’t ask for much, but that just puts it over the top. Since I’ve been designated as somewhat of a Pacman Jones-aholic and may need professional help, I figured I was the best person to document this. SportsCenter is just wrapping up, so let’s get this started.

9:00: Bob Ley put a little emphasis on “another” in “another strip club shooting.” C’mon Bob, who hasn’t been involved in an altercation, like that? People who adore women who wear clear heels shouldn’t throw rocks.

9:02: Of course it was an Atlanta strip club. If you’re wondering, the strip club is called “Blaze.” It’s right next to the “Black Kat”.

9:03: Surveillance of Pacman going into the club. Also, the witness is wearing a Vince Young jersey. I think that speaks for his intelligence.

9:04: First shot of Pacman with his Pacman chain, which is the second best chain in the league outside of KOOOOOOOOOOL-AID.

9:05: “That’s when he put his hands down his pants and said, ‘I’ll kill all of y’all.’”

9:07: Bullet holes and the allegation that Pacman was involved in it. Pacman got involved in the altercation because one of the men was talking to one of his “women.” I’d like some more details on this please.

9:08: Oh boy, we’re going back to Vegas. In court documents, Jones said, “I’m going to fucking kill you. Matter of fact, I’ll kill all of y’all.” That’s like his catch phrase. That’s it, I’m quitting my job and going to start marketing Pacman action figures.

9:09: Lots of legal documents. This isn’t fun. Though one of his co-conspirators is openly questioning the logic behind his statements.

9:10: That’s more like it. One of the guys is nicknamed “Slugga” and is part of the “International Robbing Crew.” Slugga says Jones is his, “Partner.” I’m going to assume he said it like TI does.

9:11: Slugga was apparenty at Club Blaze with Pacman. I’m fairly certain that sentence was not why language was created.

9:13: More people calling Bullshit on Pacman’s statements. I’m eagerly waiting his rebuttal with SAS. Outside the Lines should license the Law & Order sound every time the switch topics. Because this is a genuine crime drama. (Bom-Bom)

9:15: How does OTL get footage of a police interrogation. Either way, Pacman’s name comes up in it.

9:16: Pacman apparently pays $10,000-$20,000 for a hit. Good to know if you ever need some extra spending cash. Even better, this was two days after Jones met with Roger Goddell. Let me repeat that, two days.

9:22: Pacman gets to speak. He “doesn’t want to talk about the past.” He’s joined by his lawyer as well. This isn’t going to be as fun as it could be.

9:23: But SAS is talking about his “obligation”. Jones denies this entire thing entirely. He does say he was at the strip club but hasn’t been to a strip club since then. I call shenanigans on that. (I’m surprise shenanigans shows up in MS Word).

9:25: Pacman calls ESPN “good detectives.” If ESPN are good detectives, Jay Glazer must be Sherlock fucking Holmes.

9:25: Pacman blames his propensity for strip clubs on his drinking problem.

9:26: Woah, Pacman says he’s in AA in Dallas. That caught me off guard. Looks like I have something to do next time I’m in Texas.

9:29: Mort says he’ll be surprised if Jones gets another chance in the NFL.

9:30: And that’s it. We had it all here: Slugga, a catch phrase, a green Dodge Charger, and detecting. Too bad this couldn’t be extended. I’m looking at you HBO Real Sports.

I’ll finish this with something I wrote on Thursday, when I was despondent over the possible loss of the Pacman. Hopefully, this can get us all through these tough times:

So I went home last night, and contemplated what life would be like without Pacman. I was briefly cheered up by this report, of Eli Manning's birthday:

http://www.nypost.com/seven/01072009/gossip/pagesix/lap_of_luxury_149049.htm

But that only reminded me of Mr. Jones. You see, while I can laugh at the thought of Elisha being in a strip club, I'm still thinking of a strip club. And they're not the same without Pacman. And then this morning, while in my car, I heard that the reason Pacman got cut was that there was a report of him being involved in a shooting at a strip club while on suspension for another strip club shooting. It was then that I realized Pacman might not be signed by another team, but he'll still be around. In fact, we might get more crazy stories now that he doesn't have to show up to practice and film sessions every day. I see the next year as being a banner year for him. Every few months or so we'll get stories about him getting arrested again. Maybe he'll even go back to wrestling. If there is a God, he'll have his own reality show on VH1. The point is, Pacman's not going anywhere. And even if he does, the Cowboys still have TO, Tank Johnson, and Jerry Jones.