I’m glad that my blog is so influential that I now have people from ESPN taking my shtick. If you haven’t noticed, DJ Gallo’s weekly column is entitled “NFL Hangover.” I’m sure some of you are saying, “But Barney, you blatantly stole your title from Peter King.” And you’d be 100% correct. And I’m not even upset, because DJ Gallo is probably 10 times funnier than me. So do I have a point? Like most of the time, I don’t. I just wanted to point something out. And I’ll segue that into the Awfulness Rankings.
Terrible: Big East. South Florida had a decent win over Kansas. This will probably be the biggest win for the Big East this year.
Horrible: ACC. Maryland beating Cal nearly made up for losing to Middle Tennessee. Also, Mid Tenn went right to the wire with Kentucky.
Awful: The Big 10. After Ohio State’s shitfest, I would recommend that the Big 10 be relegated to I-AA or whatever the hell they’re calling it for now. That was an absolutely awful performance. Michigan didn’t help by getting handled by Notre Dame.
Worth noting that if USC lost on Saturday, the Pac 10 would have a case to be in the Horrible position considering UCLA’s even bigger dump than Ohio State. Alright, we’re done with this segment (it’s already losing steam after two weeks). Other thoughts on the weekend in football.
Ohio State may suck spectacularly, but will be watchable once they get Tyrelle Pryor in the game on every down. I’m glad Jim Tressel decided to use his best qb only sporadically in the biggest game of the year. Please go out and buy his new book on how to succeed in life.
So you’re telling me Brett Favre would throw a poorly thrown ball that would prove to be the game changing interception? You’re kidding me. That’s not like him at all. And you wonder why I wasn’t giddy over his signing. Another year of chasing after the Wild Card.
That was a terrible call, but honestly, I can’t be mad at Ed Hochuli. He’s provided too much entertainment over the years. Also, he was in Runner’s World this month as their celebrity runner which caused me to say under my breath while on the train, “Holy shit, it’s Ed fucking Hochuli.” Now that’s a proven best practice in getting a seat to yourself: Random comments about specific NFL officials.
This was a piss poor attempt this week. Saturday I had an excuse because I spent all day getting my car fixed, and it wasn’t even finished (time for Brock to bring back the “Towed Lumies” fantasy football team name). So I pretty much just caught the USC trouncing. Sunday I was a waste, though I’m not sure I would have many comments anyway.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
What Has Science Done for Me Lately?
Science has been focused recently on accelerating particles at tremendous speeds to potentially recreate the Big Bang scenario. I'm sure this will bring a wealth of knowledge to our world, but how does that help me? I need science to help me out in my day to day life.
http://alcalc.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/abstract/agn065
That will do just fine. I can now say it's scientifically proven that it's not completely my fault. I now plan on printing this out and taking the abstract out with me to bars so I can console myself in the morning with science.
http://alcalc.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/abstract/agn065
That will do just fine. I can now say it's scientifically proven that it's not completely my fault. I now plan on printing this out and taking the abstract out with me to bars so I can console myself in the morning with science.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Monday Morning Hangover - Week 1
Welcome to this season’s inaugural edition of Monday Morning Hangover, The Barney Show’s weekend football wrap up. Last week, we had some technical difficulties (i.e. my laptop wouldn’t turn on) that prevented us from getting into the first weekend of college football. This week’s results didn’t change my opinion as to what I wanted to do last weekend. In fact, they bolstered them. Going forward, we’ll have a Barney Show exclusive: NCAA Awfulness Index. We’ll be tracking week by week, which conference is the most awful: The Big Ten, ACC or Big East. We’ll be using the Bill Walton scale of awfulness with terrible being the best, horrible in between and awful as the conference in the history of Western Civilization. So who’s the most awful after two weeks?
Terrible: The Big Ten. In the first two weeks, Michigan has lost to Utah at home, Ohio St and Michigan got scares at home from MAC teams and Illinois got whacked by Missouri. That is terrible from a conference that considers itself to be good. Anyway, the entire season will be decided next week. If Ohio State can beat USC in the Coliseum, then the Big Ten is permanently off the Awful Index and they will be justified in getting blown out by an SEC team in the National Championship. If they get beaten badly, the Big Ten should start thinking about going I-AA.
Horrible: The Big East. West Virginia, thanks for coming out. I could see this one coming and was even going to write in last weeks Hangover that “I’m looking forward to seeing East Carolina-WVa. I have a feeling that East Carolina will take them.” Since I couldn’t use my laptop last weekend, I could be lying. But I’m not right very often, so I need to take credit when I can.
Awful: ACC. When your conference’s best performance is losing 26-3 or whatever Miami lost to Florida by, you have problems. Within the first 90 seconds of the Alabama-Clemson game, I said, “Alabama is going to beat their asses tonight.” And I was proven right. Virginia Tech lost to East Carolina earlier in the day. So when you’re top 2 teams get beaten (and more importantly, outplayed) on neutral fields by unranked teams, you official are awful. Also, Maryland lost to Middle Tennesse State. In fact, based on East Carolina’s wins, I’d rank Conference USA over both the Big East and ACC.
Ok, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, we’ll go on to the NFL games this weekend. Oh, right. I didn’t see any NFL action this week because I was working. But based on the limited amount I’ve seen, here are some thoughts.
Brett Favre throwing jump balls in the end zone for touchdowns. They’re trying to give me a heart attack this season. If the Jets have to live and die by Brett’s decisions in the red zone this year, it just might have a nervous breakdown.
I also approve of the no kicker policy. I advocated for this after Mike Nugent missed a 23 yarder to tie a pre-season game. I actually wrote this, but never put it up on the Barney Show because I never got past the AFC East in my NFL Preview. “I’m not looking forward to anything involving the kicker at all. I think they should institute a team wide policy of either punting or going for it on fourth down.” So this is the second instance of me being right that I’m asking you to believe. I might be pushing it.
I’m glad I used a keeper pick on Tom Brady. I enjoy getting a text at 1:22 during week 1 saying my fantasy season is over. Speaking of fantasy, he might have not even been starting since I didn’t actually look at my roster since the draft on Monday. I’m glad I entered a fantasy football league when FF is blocked at work. I’ll be very active on the trade wire.
On the good side, however, this does give the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets a better chance of winning their division. So there is that.
If Chad Ocho Cinco changed his name for nothing, I’m going to be very pissed. Half the reason I picked him was so I could look at my roster every week and at least laugh at something. For the record, I think this is one of the most entertaining things an athlete has ever done. The Bengals are already a joke. They might as well make it official.
If you’re asking, “Barney, why didn’t you just work on Saturday during a shitty slate of college games so you could work on Sunday” that would be a very good question. The answer to that is two pronged. First, there was a tropical storm passing through on Saturday which made transportation a bit of a problem. Second, I got pretty drunk Friday night, though not nearly as bad as Stan Man. He had one of the all-time great ideas when he decided, “You know what, this walk back to my apartment isn’t fun enough. Punching random cars as I walk by would spice things up.” Of course, like the third one he hit had a group of four Mexicans in it, so we nearly got our asses beat. Stan Man was a shrewd negotiator though. When one of us tried to explain that he was really drunk, Stan Man fell right on his face and came up bleeding. It was almost like that story in Training Day where the guy puts peanut butter in his ass and eats it right in front of the judge. Except those were real cuts. Me and Stan Man should not be allowed to go out together, ever.
In summary, the highlight of the weekend was watching the Ohio-Ohio St game and seeing that they had a quarterback named Boo Jackson. I was hoping he was Bo’s illegitimate child, but alas, it was not to be. Now I’m just confused if he actually knows how close his name is to a legend and if this factored into someone giving them that nickname. We shall never know.
Terrible: The Big Ten. In the first two weeks, Michigan has lost to Utah at home, Ohio St and Michigan got scares at home from MAC teams and Illinois got whacked by Missouri. That is terrible from a conference that considers itself to be good. Anyway, the entire season will be decided next week. If Ohio State can beat USC in the Coliseum, then the Big Ten is permanently off the Awful Index and they will be justified in getting blown out by an SEC team in the National Championship. If they get beaten badly, the Big Ten should start thinking about going I-AA.
Horrible: The Big East. West Virginia, thanks for coming out. I could see this one coming and was even going to write in last weeks Hangover that “I’m looking forward to seeing East Carolina-WVa. I have a feeling that East Carolina will take them.” Since I couldn’t use my laptop last weekend, I could be lying. But I’m not right very often, so I need to take credit when I can.
Awful: ACC. When your conference’s best performance is losing 26-3 or whatever Miami lost to Florida by, you have problems. Within the first 90 seconds of the Alabama-Clemson game, I said, “Alabama is going to beat their asses tonight.” And I was proven right. Virginia Tech lost to East Carolina earlier in the day. So when you’re top 2 teams get beaten (and more importantly, outplayed) on neutral fields by unranked teams, you official are awful. Also, Maryland lost to Middle Tennesse State. In fact, based on East Carolina’s wins, I’d rank Conference USA over both the Big East and ACC.
Ok, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, we’ll go on to the NFL games this weekend. Oh, right. I didn’t see any NFL action this week because I was working. But based on the limited amount I’ve seen, here are some thoughts.
Brett Favre throwing jump balls in the end zone for touchdowns. They’re trying to give me a heart attack this season. If the Jets have to live and die by Brett’s decisions in the red zone this year, it just might have a nervous breakdown.
I also approve of the no kicker policy. I advocated for this after Mike Nugent missed a 23 yarder to tie a pre-season game. I actually wrote this, but never put it up on the Barney Show because I never got past the AFC East in my NFL Preview. “I’m not looking forward to anything involving the kicker at all. I think they should institute a team wide policy of either punting or going for it on fourth down.” So this is the second instance of me being right that I’m asking you to believe. I might be pushing it.
I’m glad I used a keeper pick on Tom Brady. I enjoy getting a text at 1:22 during week 1 saying my fantasy season is over. Speaking of fantasy, he might have not even been starting since I didn’t actually look at my roster since the draft on Monday. I’m glad I entered a fantasy football league when FF is blocked at work. I’ll be very active on the trade wire.
On the good side, however, this does give the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets a better chance of winning their division. So there is that.
If Chad Ocho Cinco changed his name for nothing, I’m going to be very pissed. Half the reason I picked him was so I could look at my roster every week and at least laugh at something. For the record, I think this is one of the most entertaining things an athlete has ever done. The Bengals are already a joke. They might as well make it official.
If you’re asking, “Barney, why didn’t you just work on Saturday during a shitty slate of college games so you could work on Sunday” that would be a very good question. The answer to that is two pronged. First, there was a tropical storm passing through on Saturday which made transportation a bit of a problem. Second, I got pretty drunk Friday night, though not nearly as bad as Stan Man. He had one of the all-time great ideas when he decided, “You know what, this walk back to my apartment isn’t fun enough. Punching random cars as I walk by would spice things up.” Of course, like the third one he hit had a group of four Mexicans in it, so we nearly got our asses beat. Stan Man was a shrewd negotiator though. When one of us tried to explain that he was really drunk, Stan Man fell right on his face and came up bleeding. It was almost like that story in Training Day where the guy puts peanut butter in his ass and eats it right in front of the judge. Except those were real cuts. Me and Stan Man should not be allowed to go out together, ever.
In summary, the highlight of the weekend was watching the Ohio-Ohio St game and seeing that they had a quarterback named Boo Jackson. I was hoping he was Bo’s illegitimate child, but alas, it was not to be. Now I’m just confused if he actually knows how close his name is to a legend and if this factored into someone giving them that nickname. We shall never know.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
NFL Preview
I honestly was going to do a team by team analysis of things I was looking forward to this year. I even got the AFC East completed. But then I saw this, and realized, I could not top this:
http://radaronline.com/features/2008/08/nfl_season_scandal_pacman_jones_michael_vick_adrian_awasom_01.php
Mine would basically be a rehashing of that, so I’ll just save myself 4 hours and just copy and paste a link. Also, I was about to write this years first edition of Monday Morning Hangover on Sunday when my computer crashed. So I’m not sure if I’ll be completing that this week. I astound myself sometimes with my level of commitment to this blog.
http://radaronline.com/features/2008/08/nfl_season_scandal_pacman_jones_michael_vick_adrian_awasom_01.php
Mine would basically be a rehashing of that, so I’ll just save myself 4 hours and just copy and paste a link. Also, I was about to write this years first edition of Monday Morning Hangover on Sunday when my computer crashed. So I’m not sure if I’ll be completing that this week. I astound myself sometimes with my level of commitment to this blog.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
What's the Deal with Cancer?
From Christian water parks to another existential question I’m having right now. Is banging a girl who just recovered from cancer an act of kindness or of a complete asshole? Let’s have the esteemed panel of Stephen A. Smith and Bill Walton take a break from NBA Fastbreak to debate this point.
SAS: The bottom line my friend, is that what Barney did was an act of kindness. He was boosting her self esteem. BOOSTING HER SELF ESTEEM.
BW: I beg to differ, Stephen A. In my opinion, what Barney did was hooorrrrible.
SAS: Were you listening to me? The girl needed something to boost her confidence. Barney sacrificed himself so she could get her own game going. That’s what all great players do. They make those around them better.
BW: Taking advantage of a girl who was down on her luck is one of the worst things I’ve heard of in the history of Western Civilization.
SAS: Taking advantage? What Shaq in his prime did to Rasho Nasterevic was taking advantage of someone. Barney didn’t even bring his A game out. I’d dare to say he didn’t even bring his C game.
BW: I remember one time back was a student at UCLA. There was a young female who had just gotten over a nasty case of the gout. I hadn’t seen her around in awhile and was concerned for her well being. These were the days of free love and The Grateful Dead were playing in the background. One of my friends noticed her amorous overtones and told me to, “Throw it down Big Man.” But in the back of my mind I heard one of John Wooden’s greatest sayings: “Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he eats for a lifetime.
SAS: What does that mean? I ask you, what does that mean?
BW: Ah Stephen A. Understand that, and you’ll understand the meaning of life. Just like a perfectly executed cross screen.
SAS: I give up. Where are my cheese doodles?
Alright, that was either the most ingenious thing I’ve written here or the worst. But I’m going to continue to do as many drunk Barney stories in other peoples voices as possible. Because it hides the fact that I’m basically telling the same thing over and over.
Anyway, because I don’t want my point of view distorted by Stephen A, here are the facts (as well as I can relay them because I was blacked out for portions of the night).
Her friend asked me a month or so ago what I thought about her. She was apparently looking to get some and her first choice was me (Yes, I’m surprised as well. It must be my charming personality. Or maybe my record for sobriety. Maybe she has a thing for guys who have gained 25 pounds since leaving college. Or maybe its none of those)
She came out to the bar with us specifically to see me. Her friend mentioned this and said that it would be good for her.
I did not put much effort into kicking game (not that I have any to begin with). In fact I was actively trying to not kick game because I was unsure of the moral ramifications.
Sometime after I ordered a Jack on the rocks that had to have at least 5 ounces of Jack, I blacked out.
Honestly, I’m just confused right now and how I should feel about myself. Am I a scumbag for taking advantage of someone on the rebound? A guy who gave some attention to someone who needed it and if I got something out of it, all the better? Was I taken advantage of?
No matter how this ends up, I’ve learned two things from this:
1. You can’t see a surgical scar in the dark
and 2. There’s pretty much no worse feeling in the world than being woken up at 8:30 in the morning, hungover, and being told, “You need to go. My friend’s coming over and we’re going to the zoo.”
SAS: The bottom line my friend, is that what Barney did was an act of kindness. He was boosting her self esteem. BOOSTING HER SELF ESTEEM.
BW: I beg to differ, Stephen A. In my opinion, what Barney did was hooorrrrible.
SAS: Were you listening to me? The girl needed something to boost her confidence. Barney sacrificed himself so she could get her own game going. That’s what all great players do. They make those around them better.
BW: Taking advantage of a girl who was down on her luck is one of the worst things I’ve heard of in the history of Western Civilization.
SAS: Taking advantage? What Shaq in his prime did to Rasho Nasterevic was taking advantage of someone. Barney didn’t even bring his A game out. I’d dare to say he didn’t even bring his C game.
BW: I remember one time back was a student at UCLA. There was a young female who had just gotten over a nasty case of the gout. I hadn’t seen her around in awhile and was concerned for her well being. These were the days of free love and The Grateful Dead were playing in the background. One of my friends noticed her amorous overtones and told me to, “Throw it down Big Man.” But in the back of my mind I heard one of John Wooden’s greatest sayings: “Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he eats for a lifetime.
SAS: What does that mean? I ask you, what does that mean?
BW: Ah Stephen A. Understand that, and you’ll understand the meaning of life. Just like a perfectly executed cross screen.
SAS: I give up. Where are my cheese doodles?
Alright, that was either the most ingenious thing I’ve written here or the worst. But I’m going to continue to do as many drunk Barney stories in other peoples voices as possible. Because it hides the fact that I’m basically telling the same thing over and over.
Anyway, because I don’t want my point of view distorted by Stephen A, here are the facts (as well as I can relay them because I was blacked out for portions of the night).
Her friend asked me a month or so ago what I thought about her. She was apparently looking to get some and her first choice was me (Yes, I’m surprised as well. It must be my charming personality. Or maybe my record for sobriety. Maybe she has a thing for guys who have gained 25 pounds since leaving college. Or maybe its none of those)
She came out to the bar with us specifically to see me. Her friend mentioned this and said that it would be good for her.
I did not put much effort into kicking game (not that I have any to begin with). In fact I was actively trying to not kick game because I was unsure of the moral ramifications.
Sometime after I ordered a Jack on the rocks that had to have at least 5 ounces of Jack, I blacked out.
Honestly, I’m just confused right now and how I should feel about myself. Am I a scumbag for taking advantage of someone on the rebound? A guy who gave some attention to someone who needed it and if I got something out of it, all the better? Was I taken advantage of?
No matter how this ends up, I’ve learned two things from this:
1. You can’t see a surgical scar in the dark
and 2. There’s pretty much no worse feeling in the world than being woken up at 8:30 in the morning, hungover, and being told, “You need to go. My friend’s coming over and we’re going to the zoo.”
Worst Texas Toast Ever
You’re probably wondering to yourself, “Where was this month’s edition of Texas Toast?” (Really? It hasn’t entered the first 1,498 concerns you have? Ok, well then. I know my place in the world.) The reason for that is it would just end up with me getting really pissed off. And we don’t want that. So I’ll tell the one good story that really gets to the heart of what I want Texas Toast to be. My brother Chubb Rock joined me. He didn’t get there in time, however, for him to go with my daughter and I to a water park. We had the following conversation:
Barney: “So the water park…it was a Christian water park.”
Chubb Rock: “What do you mean Christian water park? Did they have rides about Jesus.”
Barney: “Not really. It was more subtle. They just had random Bible quotes all over. They didn’t really address the real question I had. Would Jesus go to a water park?”
Chubb Rock: “I’m kind of thinking he wouldn’t. He could just walk on water. I could imagine him standing on top of the wave pool going, ‘I don’t get what the big fuss is about.”
That my friends, is how you bring the funny, Texas Toast style. Completely mocking someone’s way of life by using logic. Well done, my friend, well done. I myself could not have said anything funnier than that, so we’ll just move on.
Barney: “So the water park…it was a Christian water park.”
Chubb Rock: “What do you mean Christian water park? Did they have rides about Jesus.”
Barney: “Not really. It was more subtle. They just had random Bible quotes all over. They didn’t really address the real question I had. Would Jesus go to a water park?”
Chubb Rock: “I’m kind of thinking he wouldn’t. He could just walk on water. I could imagine him standing on top of the wave pool going, ‘I don’t get what the big fuss is about.”
That my friends, is how you bring the funny, Texas Toast style. Completely mocking someone’s way of life by using logic. Well done, my friend, well done. I myself could not have said anything funnier than that, so we’ll just move on.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Barney Goes to New Orleans; Learns Valuable Lessons
We’ll do a separate episode to address why I took a month off and what happened during that month that needs to be addressed, but since we never do anything in a logic fashion here on the Barney Show, let’s go right into stupid Barney story time. This time, our hero conquers the Crescent City, New Orleans. So what did we learn on our trip. We’re going question and answer forum. First up…
Who paid for this trip?
Why the 8732 of course. Before you start getting your panties in a bunch about the government paying for me to fly to a city where I would obviously get drunk, consider this. The government only pays for 40 hours of my work a week. I obviously work a lot more than that. So in my mind, they owe me a lot more trips before things start evening out in my favor.
Did you stop by the Super Dome?
No, because I was afraid I would kick anything that had Reggie Bush adorned on it. That bastard wrecked havoc on my fantasy team last year.
Where did you stay?
This was when I realized this would end with some sort of story…when we pulled up to our hotel and realized I could see Bourbon St from the front of the hotel. We were closer than walking distance. I’d say stumbling distance.
What’s the worst part about your company paying for you to travel?T
hat they expect you to still do work. Nearly all the time I wasn’t in meetings, I was doing work that needed to get done back in DC.
Please tell me you didn’t get a free trip to New Orleans and you spent it in your hotel room answering e-mails. Has the Barney I’ve grown to admire (and by admire I mean thank the Lord every day that I’m not as bad an alky as he is) gone soft?
Of course not my dear reader. I came back from dinner the first night and answered some e-mails. Then a thought popped into my head when I considered going to bed. “Barney, it’s Bourbon St for God’s sakes. If there’s a street in America that you need to spend time on, this is it.” Faster than you can say, “I’ll do it”, I was out the door. First stop, a random bar to ingest as much Bourbon as quickly as possible.
What did you learn with regards to your compulsiveness?
Umm…I might have a bit of an aversion towards compulsive behavior. Not only does Bourbon St have plenty of booze, but it’s also within walking distance to a casino. Within 45 minutes, I had dropped $300 at the craps tables. I don’t take losing too well. Not only did I start doubling bets, when I finally decided it wasn’t my night (Wait, so you’re saying you’re unlucky? Tell me more. I’d also be interested in hearing some more about this “internet” I’ve been hearing about.), I decided I need to soothe my nerves. And what better way to do that then the row of strip clubs on Bourbon St.
How has Pacman Jones impacted our lives?
I’ll say this about the man: I can’t think of an athlete who had such a disproportionate effect on my everyday life as compared to the athletic field. I mean, can anyone now go into a strip club without thinking about that man? I felt inadequate by not walking in with a garbage bag full of singles. Now, we’ll get into the actual learning part of our night.
Do strip clubs charge exhorbently large fees on ATM withdrawals?
I know this will be hard to believe, but yes, they do. $9 in fact for this one. Who would have known that strip clubs might try to swindle you for all you’re worth. Not this stupid Yankee apparently.
Is there anything I should know about using a credit card at a strip club?
Besides, don’t do it? If you have to, try and see if they’ll get a fingerprint on your signed receipt. Not because it’s a good financial fraud tool, but just because you’ll feel classy being piss drunk and being forced to fingerprint something. Also, I’d recommend you keep your receipt. Nothing makes you feel better after considering the irreparable damage that might be caused to your credit rating than waking up with a receipt from that place. There was visible relief when I realized I had proof to dispute a possible $20,000 charge. The fact that it says “Babes” on top of it is of no consequence. In fact, it’s making me look forward to getting my credit card bill this month. I’m not sure if I want it to say “Gas $43.50, Giant Supermarket $67.98, Babes $180.00” or if I want to see how they try and disguise that.
Does Bank of America have a solid anti-fraud policy?
Yes, it does. First, it cut off my access to cash at around 1 am forcing me to resort to using the credit card. Second, I received a call at 7 am the next morning: “This is Bank of America. In monitoring recent transactions, we’ve noticed several suspicious charges. Can you please verify that these charges are accurate: $303? $209? $109?” I tell you there is no worse wake up call than being hungover and having an automated voice reminding you of all the stupid transactions you’ve made the night before. Especially cruel was that I was reminded of the $9 transaction charge they hit me with. “Bank of America: Security so good, it makes you cringe.”
So did you get to the meeting the next morning?
Of course I did. No one can be play the functional alcoholic better than me (more on this later). I was still buzzed when I woke up, but after a cup of coffee, I was good as new.
How did growing up in the West End influence you on this trip?
You can take me out the West End, but you can’t take the West End out of me. First off was the drinking water. After the second day, someone made a comment that they asked the front desk if they could make coffee in their rooms with the drinking water. This alarmed me because A) I had already had several cups of coffee made with the tap water as well as who knows how many glasses of water to try and defeat the hangover from the night before, B) it never occurred to me that something might be wrong with the drinking water and C) Even after thinking, “Hmm…they did have a natural disaster here less than 3 years ago. Maybe it’s not safe”, saying to myself, “Fuck it, you’ve taken more brown showers than you care to remember. What’s some more bad water?” So the West End has developed an innate sense of confidence in my body’s ability to get rid of toxins (plus I keep it on its toes by putting as many toxins in as I can into it).
Secondly, I realized that we didn’t go out to dinner much when I was growing up. They gave out bread at the restaurant and I grabbed it and pulled a piece off with my bare hands. It didn’t occur to me that I was out to dinner with people I really didn’t know and I should use a knife. Stay classy Barney.
What else did you learn about yourself on this trip?
That I’m really out of touch with most people. I didn’t know anyone outside of a purely business relationship (I’ll have that document to you in the morning, Ruby. How’d that meeting go Mr. Glenn?) and now I’m having to make conversation with them. While they can tell all these things about different foods they’ve eaten and cooked, tv shows they like to watch and other normal, healthy things, if it doesn’t involve sports, beer and liquor, drinking stories or the different systems we use at work, I’m at a loss.
Is there anything worse than a guy who thinks he’s a wine coinsurer?
Not that I can think of. Listen buddy, we know you like to spend money on wine. That’s great, but I don’t, so you don’t have to talk to me about how 1998 was a great year for merlots or some shit like that. Let’s make a deal. You don’t talk about wines, I won’t make jokes comparing the hostesses clock management skills to Herm Edwards. Deal? Deal.
So how did you play up the functional alcoholic?
I’m at an advantage to start with because sober Barney is very quiet. So most people don’t know my speech mannerisms well enough to tell when I’m hurting. Next, I come into work nearly everyday with some sort of hangover. I’m usually not functioning on all cylinders until at least 10:30. So if they have dealt with me enough, half the time I’m in some sort of less than optimal mental state. All this contributes to me being able to mask the fact that it’s 7:30, we’re going to a meeting, and I’m still drunk.
Should you ever eat Italian food south of Philadelphia?
This is something I feel strongly about. No you should not. Two of the worst meals I’ve ever had was lasagna in Dallas and a meatball sub in New Orleans. It’s just not worth the risk.
Finally, you were in meetings all day. Were you able to work in a Simpsons’ reference?
Now this is a stupid question. Of course I was. I had to sit there for 8 hours a day and listen to people talk about a system I saw for the first time upon arrival. I spoke less than 100 words the entire time there. How could I not make a Simpson’s reference. Anyway, I was able to work in one of my all time favorite quotes.
One of the technical people for this new system’s last name was Cang. Pronounced Kang. Every once in awhile, she would say something inaccurate about the system. After the second or third time this happened, it took every ounce of strength to not get up and announce to the rest of the table, “Don’t blame me. I voted for Kodos.” I probably would have had to retire because that one would never be topped in my professional life.
On that note, it’s good to be back. Texas Toast next week with hopefully a wrap up of the past month in between.
Who paid for this trip?
Why the 8732 of course. Before you start getting your panties in a bunch about the government paying for me to fly to a city where I would obviously get drunk, consider this. The government only pays for 40 hours of my work a week. I obviously work a lot more than that. So in my mind, they owe me a lot more trips before things start evening out in my favor.
Did you stop by the Super Dome?
No, because I was afraid I would kick anything that had Reggie Bush adorned on it. That bastard wrecked havoc on my fantasy team last year.
Where did you stay?
This was when I realized this would end with some sort of story…when we pulled up to our hotel and realized I could see Bourbon St from the front of the hotel. We were closer than walking distance. I’d say stumbling distance.
What’s the worst part about your company paying for you to travel?T
hat they expect you to still do work. Nearly all the time I wasn’t in meetings, I was doing work that needed to get done back in DC.
Please tell me you didn’t get a free trip to New Orleans and you spent it in your hotel room answering e-mails. Has the Barney I’ve grown to admire (and by admire I mean thank the Lord every day that I’m not as bad an alky as he is) gone soft?
Of course not my dear reader. I came back from dinner the first night and answered some e-mails. Then a thought popped into my head when I considered going to bed. “Barney, it’s Bourbon St for God’s sakes. If there’s a street in America that you need to spend time on, this is it.” Faster than you can say, “I’ll do it”, I was out the door. First stop, a random bar to ingest as much Bourbon as quickly as possible.
What did you learn with regards to your compulsiveness?
Umm…I might have a bit of an aversion towards compulsive behavior. Not only does Bourbon St have plenty of booze, but it’s also within walking distance to a casino. Within 45 minutes, I had dropped $300 at the craps tables. I don’t take losing too well. Not only did I start doubling bets, when I finally decided it wasn’t my night (Wait, so you’re saying you’re unlucky? Tell me more. I’d also be interested in hearing some more about this “internet” I’ve been hearing about.), I decided I need to soothe my nerves. And what better way to do that then the row of strip clubs on Bourbon St.
How has Pacman Jones impacted our lives?
I’ll say this about the man: I can’t think of an athlete who had such a disproportionate effect on my everyday life as compared to the athletic field. I mean, can anyone now go into a strip club without thinking about that man? I felt inadequate by not walking in with a garbage bag full of singles. Now, we’ll get into the actual learning part of our night.
Do strip clubs charge exhorbently large fees on ATM withdrawals?
I know this will be hard to believe, but yes, they do. $9 in fact for this one. Who would have known that strip clubs might try to swindle you for all you’re worth. Not this stupid Yankee apparently.
Is there anything I should know about using a credit card at a strip club?
Besides, don’t do it? If you have to, try and see if they’ll get a fingerprint on your signed receipt. Not because it’s a good financial fraud tool, but just because you’ll feel classy being piss drunk and being forced to fingerprint something. Also, I’d recommend you keep your receipt. Nothing makes you feel better after considering the irreparable damage that might be caused to your credit rating than waking up with a receipt from that place. There was visible relief when I realized I had proof to dispute a possible $20,000 charge. The fact that it says “Babes” on top of it is of no consequence. In fact, it’s making me look forward to getting my credit card bill this month. I’m not sure if I want it to say “Gas $43.50, Giant Supermarket $67.98, Babes $180.00” or if I want to see how they try and disguise that.
Does Bank of America have a solid anti-fraud policy?
Yes, it does. First, it cut off my access to cash at around 1 am forcing me to resort to using the credit card. Second, I received a call at 7 am the next morning: “This is Bank of America. In monitoring recent transactions, we’ve noticed several suspicious charges. Can you please verify that these charges are accurate: $303? $209? $109?” I tell you there is no worse wake up call than being hungover and having an automated voice reminding you of all the stupid transactions you’ve made the night before. Especially cruel was that I was reminded of the $9 transaction charge they hit me with. “Bank of America: Security so good, it makes you cringe.”
So did you get to the meeting the next morning?
Of course I did. No one can be play the functional alcoholic better than me (more on this later). I was still buzzed when I woke up, but after a cup of coffee, I was good as new.
How did growing up in the West End influence you on this trip?
You can take me out the West End, but you can’t take the West End out of me. First off was the drinking water. After the second day, someone made a comment that they asked the front desk if they could make coffee in their rooms with the drinking water. This alarmed me because A) I had already had several cups of coffee made with the tap water as well as who knows how many glasses of water to try and defeat the hangover from the night before, B) it never occurred to me that something might be wrong with the drinking water and C) Even after thinking, “Hmm…they did have a natural disaster here less than 3 years ago. Maybe it’s not safe”, saying to myself, “Fuck it, you’ve taken more brown showers than you care to remember. What’s some more bad water?” So the West End has developed an innate sense of confidence in my body’s ability to get rid of toxins (plus I keep it on its toes by putting as many toxins in as I can into it).
Secondly, I realized that we didn’t go out to dinner much when I was growing up. They gave out bread at the restaurant and I grabbed it and pulled a piece off with my bare hands. It didn’t occur to me that I was out to dinner with people I really didn’t know and I should use a knife. Stay classy Barney.
What else did you learn about yourself on this trip?
That I’m really out of touch with most people. I didn’t know anyone outside of a purely business relationship (I’ll have that document to you in the morning, Ruby. How’d that meeting go Mr. Glenn?) and now I’m having to make conversation with them. While they can tell all these things about different foods they’ve eaten and cooked, tv shows they like to watch and other normal, healthy things, if it doesn’t involve sports, beer and liquor, drinking stories or the different systems we use at work, I’m at a loss.
Is there anything worse than a guy who thinks he’s a wine coinsurer?
Not that I can think of. Listen buddy, we know you like to spend money on wine. That’s great, but I don’t, so you don’t have to talk to me about how 1998 was a great year for merlots or some shit like that. Let’s make a deal. You don’t talk about wines, I won’t make jokes comparing the hostesses clock management skills to Herm Edwards. Deal? Deal.
So how did you play up the functional alcoholic?
I’m at an advantage to start with because sober Barney is very quiet. So most people don’t know my speech mannerisms well enough to tell when I’m hurting. Next, I come into work nearly everyday with some sort of hangover. I’m usually not functioning on all cylinders until at least 10:30. So if they have dealt with me enough, half the time I’m in some sort of less than optimal mental state. All this contributes to me being able to mask the fact that it’s 7:30, we’re going to a meeting, and I’m still drunk.
Should you ever eat Italian food south of Philadelphia?
This is something I feel strongly about. No you should not. Two of the worst meals I’ve ever had was lasagna in Dallas and a meatball sub in New Orleans. It’s just not worth the risk.
Finally, you were in meetings all day. Were you able to work in a Simpsons’ reference?
Now this is a stupid question. Of course I was. I had to sit there for 8 hours a day and listen to people talk about a system I saw for the first time upon arrival. I spoke less than 100 words the entire time there. How could I not make a Simpson’s reference. Anyway, I was able to work in one of my all time favorite quotes.
One of the technical people for this new system’s last name was Cang. Pronounced Kang. Every once in awhile, she would say something inaccurate about the system. After the second or third time this happened, it took every ounce of strength to not get up and announce to the rest of the table, “Don’t blame me. I voted for Kodos.” I probably would have had to retire because that one would never be topped in my professional life.
On that note, it’s good to be back. Texas Toast next week with hopefully a wrap up of the past month in between.
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