Barney Goes to New Orleans; Learns Valuable Lessons

We’ll do a separate episode to address why I took a month off and what happened during that month that needs to be addressed, but since we never do anything in a logic fashion here on the Barney Show, let’s go right into stupid Barney story time. This time, our hero conquers the Crescent City, New Orleans. So what did we learn on our trip. We’re going question and answer forum. First up…

Who paid for this trip?
Why the 8732 of course. Before you start getting your panties in a bunch about the government paying for me to fly to a city where I would obviously get drunk, consider this. The government only pays for 40 hours of my work a week. I obviously work a lot more than that. So in my mind, they owe me a lot more trips before things start evening out in my favor.

Did you stop by the Super Dome?
No, because I was afraid I would kick anything that had Reggie Bush adorned on it. That bastard wrecked havoc on my fantasy team last year.

Where did you stay?
This was when I realized this would end with some sort of story…when we pulled up to our hotel and realized I could see Bourbon St from the front of the hotel. We were closer than walking distance. I’d say stumbling distance.

What’s the worst part about your company paying for you to travel?T
hat they expect you to still do work. Nearly all the time I wasn’t in meetings, I was doing work that needed to get done back in DC.

Please tell me you didn’t get a free trip to New Orleans and you spent it in your hotel room answering e-mails. Has the Barney I’ve grown to admire (and by admire I mean thank the Lord every day that I’m not as bad an alky as he is) gone soft?
Of course not my dear reader. I came back from dinner the first night and answered some e-mails. Then a thought popped into my head when I considered going to bed. “Barney, it’s Bourbon St for God’s sakes. If there’s a street in America that you need to spend time on, this is it.” Faster than you can say, “I’ll do it”, I was out the door. First stop, a random bar to ingest as much Bourbon as quickly as possible.

What did you learn with regards to your compulsiveness?
Umm…I might have a bit of an aversion towards compulsive behavior. Not only does Bourbon St have plenty of booze, but it’s also within walking distance to a casino. Within 45 minutes, I had dropped $300 at the craps tables. I don’t take losing too well. Not only did I start doubling bets, when I finally decided it wasn’t my night (Wait, so you’re saying you’re unlucky? Tell me more. I’d also be interested in hearing some more about this “internet” I’ve been hearing about.), I decided I need to soothe my nerves. And what better way to do that then the row of strip clubs on Bourbon St.

How has Pacman Jones impacted our lives?
I’ll say this about the man: I can’t think of an athlete who had such a disproportionate effect on my everyday life as compared to the athletic field. I mean, can anyone now go into a strip club without thinking about that man? I felt inadequate by not walking in with a garbage bag full of singles. Now, we’ll get into the actual learning part of our night.

Do strip clubs charge exhorbently large fees on ATM withdrawals?
I know this will be hard to believe, but yes, they do. $9 in fact for this one. Who would have known that strip clubs might try to swindle you for all you’re worth. Not this stupid Yankee apparently.

Is there anything I should know about using a credit card at a strip club?
Besides, don’t do it? If you have to, try and see if they’ll get a fingerprint on your signed receipt. Not because it’s a good financial fraud tool, but just because you’ll feel classy being piss drunk and being forced to fingerprint something. Also, I’d recommend you keep your receipt. Nothing makes you feel better after considering the irreparable damage that might be caused to your credit rating than waking up with a receipt from that place. There was visible relief when I realized I had proof to dispute a possible $20,000 charge. The fact that it says “Babes” on top of it is of no consequence. In fact, it’s making me look forward to getting my credit card bill this month. I’m not sure if I want it to say “Gas $43.50, Giant Supermarket $67.98, Babes $180.00” or if I want to see how they try and disguise that.

Does Bank of America have a solid anti-fraud policy?
Yes, it does. First, it cut off my access to cash at around 1 am forcing me to resort to using the credit card. Second, I received a call at 7 am the next morning: “This is Bank of America. In monitoring recent transactions, we’ve noticed several suspicious charges. Can you please verify that these charges are accurate: $303? $209? $109?” I tell you there is no worse wake up call than being hungover and having an automated voice reminding you of all the stupid transactions you’ve made the night before. Especially cruel was that I was reminded of the $9 transaction charge they hit me with. “Bank of America: Security so good, it makes you cringe.”

So did you get to the meeting the next morning?
Of course I did. No one can be play the functional alcoholic better than me (more on this later). I was still buzzed when I woke up, but after a cup of coffee, I was good as new.

How did growing up in the West End influence you on this trip?
You can take me out the West End, but you can’t take the West End out of me. First off was the drinking water. After the second day, someone made a comment that they asked the front desk if they could make coffee in their rooms with the drinking water. This alarmed me because A) I had already had several cups of coffee made with the tap water as well as who knows how many glasses of water to try and defeat the hangover from the night before, B) it never occurred to me that something might be wrong with the drinking water and C) Even after thinking, “Hmm…they did have a natural disaster here less than 3 years ago. Maybe it’s not safe”, saying to myself, “Fuck it, you’ve taken more brown showers than you care to remember. What’s some more bad water?” So the West End has developed an innate sense of confidence in my body’s ability to get rid of toxins (plus I keep it on its toes by putting as many toxins in as I can into it).
Secondly, I realized that we didn’t go out to dinner much when I was growing up. They gave out bread at the restaurant and I grabbed it and pulled a piece off with my bare hands. It didn’t occur to me that I was out to dinner with people I really didn’t know and I should use a knife. Stay classy Barney.

What else did you learn about yourself on this trip?
That I’m really out of touch with most people. I didn’t know anyone outside of a purely business relationship (I’ll have that document to you in the morning, Ruby. How’d that meeting go Mr. Glenn?) and now I’m having to make conversation with them. While they can tell all these things about different foods they’ve eaten and cooked, tv shows they like to watch and other normal, healthy things, if it doesn’t involve sports, beer and liquor, drinking stories or the different systems we use at work, I’m at a loss.

Is there anything worse than a guy who thinks he’s a wine coinsurer?
Not that I can think of. Listen buddy, we know you like to spend money on wine. That’s great, but I don’t, so you don’t have to talk to me about how 1998 was a great year for merlots or some shit like that. Let’s make a deal. You don’t talk about wines, I won’t make jokes comparing the hostesses clock management skills to Herm Edwards. Deal? Deal.

So how did you play up the functional alcoholic?
I’m at an advantage to start with because sober Barney is very quiet. So most people don’t know my speech mannerisms well enough to tell when I’m hurting. Next, I come into work nearly everyday with some sort of hangover. I’m usually not functioning on all cylinders until at least 10:30. So if they have dealt with me enough, half the time I’m in some sort of less than optimal mental state. All this contributes to me being able to mask the fact that it’s 7:30, we’re going to a meeting, and I’m still drunk.

Should you ever eat Italian food south of Philadelphia?
This is something I feel strongly about. No you should not. Two of the worst meals I’ve ever had was lasagna in Dallas and a meatball sub in New Orleans. It’s just not worth the risk.

Finally, you were in meetings all day. Were you able to work in a Simpsons’ reference?
Now this is a stupid question. Of course I was. I had to sit there for 8 hours a day and listen to people talk about a system I saw for the first time upon arrival. I spoke less than 100 words the entire time there. How could I not make a Simpson’s reference. Anyway, I was able to work in one of my all time favorite quotes.
One of the technical people for this new system’s last name was Cang. Pronounced Kang. Every once in awhile, she would say something inaccurate about the system. After the second or third time this happened, it took every ounce of strength to not get up and announce to the rest of the table, “Don’t blame me. I voted for Kodos.” I probably would have had to retire because that one would never be topped in my professional life.

On that note, it’s good to be back. Texas Toast next week with hopefully a wrap up of the past month in between.