A Barney Christmas

In honor of the season, here’s something Christmas related: Barney’s Guide to Presents. It’s really not a guide at all, just one suggestion and then how me and my brother handle Christmas. Anyway, if I can give you one piece of advice it’s on wrapping presents. Every year I win the award for worst job wrapping presents. I might be the worst in the world. I give it a good try every year, but I’ve accepted that I have no talent what so ever with this. Anyway, I’ve come to realize that this is a good thing. My shitty wrapping job lowers everyone’s expectations. People are so floored by the debacle that is their gift that they expect nothing less than a lamp that looks like a leg. Half the time, they look at you like you’re so pathetic and are amused by the fact that you actually bought them something. So when they get something that’s actually good, they’re pleasantly surprised. So my advice to you (and honestly, when do I not give you good advice?) is to lower expectations by doing a shitty wrapping job and thus inflating the value of your gift.
And on to the part that you’ve been waiting for (can I add excitedly?): me and my brother’s continued attempt to mock Christmas. This all started back when we were in high school. We were broke so anything we did get each other wouldn’t be good anyway (being broke and sarcastic is never a good combination around Christmas). So we took it a step further and decided to buy each other the most random gifts we could find. Thus a noble tradition was started. Let’s look at some of the gifts my brother has received over the years:A random assortment of goods from a hardware store. This included a brass # 4 that could be put on a house to show the address (very useful considering our address was 97), and butt splicers (electrical equipment). Just saying butt splicers brings a smile to my face.
A random assortment of good from a dollar store. Not only a dollar store, but a dollar store going out of business. J-Man got a bunch of crap that included spices from the Caribbean and a bag with a dollar sign on it. He got 24 gifts and I spent less that $9.
You Got Served on DVD. I didn’t just give him the DVD. I had an act to go with it. Here’s how it went:J-Man: Thanks Barney, You Got Served. A real classic.
Barney: I know, it’s a terrible movie. And because I’m not that cruel, here’s the receipt to return it for a DVD you want (start handing him the receipt).
Barney: (Rip receipt in half) Oh no, you’re stuck with it now. Looks like you got served.
J-Man: (completely speechless)

That one will never be topped. NEVER. That was probably the funniest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’m not one to brag much (and this isn’t dripping with sarcasm like everything else I write), but that was damn near genius. So on one hand, it’s hilarious, but on the other, you know that you’ve already maxed out what you can do on the comedy scale, which isn’t to reassuring considering I write this blog to be somewhat funny.

As a follow up to that, last year, J-Man got himself a Kevin Federline CD. But the album hadn’t come out yet. So I burned the first single onto a disc and made the album cover myself. The linear notes went something along the lines of “Very few artists have been able to capture the skill and versatility that Mr. Federline possesses.” You’ve heard me ramble before (no Barney, you rambling? Never heard it? You only wrote 500 words on that ridiculous dream you had with Lindsay Lohan. It could have easily been 2000). Basically it was 500 words on Kevin Federline talent written in words that should be used by John Facenda. I’d rate this a solid follow up to the You Got Served one.

So what’s J-Man getting this year? Not so fast my friend. I’m not giving that one away. I was going to get him a Rudy Gay jersey, but the NBA store doesn’t have it, the rat bastards. You’ll find out in January when J-Man gets it. I’m spending Christmas in Texas. I’ll be back next week with a ridiculous summary of that which you can feel free to ignore. Very unlikely that I do a Monday Morning Hangover this week, so you’ll need to get your football information from other websites like you normally do. My website consists of very little insight into football.
So enjoy your Christmas. I hope you and your loved ones can come together and make a manger Ricky Bobby style, with baby Jesus sitting in his crib watching Baby Einstein videos, learning about shapes and colors. I personally prefer to picture him as a mischievous badger, but to each his own. And isn’t that the true meaning of Christmas? (This easily has to win the least inspiring Christmas story of the year, right?)

Oak Update

Because I'm all over things like this, Charles Oakley got arrested last night. I'll let you write your own joke.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/1218071oakley1.html

Monday Morning Hangover - Week 15

And we’re back with another exciting week of football action. Let’s get right into this year’s Trojan Boner of the Year award: It goes to Brian Billick. They’re down 3 with 6 seconds left. Fourth and goal from the half yard line. You’re 4-9, so it’s not like this will affect anything other than draft position. You’re team is moving the football. What do you do? Of course, you kick the field goal and go for the tie. Simply brilliant. You can tell this is true because your players were yelling at you. Actually, the Boner of the Year award goes to Baltimore’s owner who just gave Billick a contract extension before the year. I’m sure he was contemplating how much that buy out will be when the players were yelling at him.

The Jets only lost by 10. I’m impressed. That’s the blueprint for all games going forward. Lose close (though losing the qb of the future wasn’t part of that plan). We’re now tied for the second pick. And St Louis might not take a RB since they have Stephen Jackson. I’m two weeks from rooting for Ronnie Brown rehab sessions to go well.

The Barney Show has made the big time: I got a comment from someone I don’t know. I apparently got a comment on last weeks MMH about Tebow. Granted this was by someone who I think googles random combinations of words, but I found it funny that he felt the need to comment on my post that Tebow wasn’t banging enough chicks.

Other than that, I have nothing else to comment on football this week. So let’s get into drunk Barney stories. If you remember a few weeks ago, in the Barney Interview I said I avoid Georgetown bars because I end up turning into Dikembe Mutumbo. Well, this weekend I ended up in Georgetown after about 4 beers and a bunch of jack on the rocks, and very little food (in fact I puked up a cheeseburger in the bathroom before we left. Not that I was that bad, my stomach just hates me these days). Not only did we go to Georgetown, we took the Georgetown student bus to take us there. I decided this was a good time as any to be an asshole, so I proceeded to spend the 15 minute trip making Georgetown basketball jokes. Roy Hibbert took a lot of the abuse. After a Jeff Green comment didn’t get someone fighting me I decided to up the stakes. So I went back awhile: “How do you not win a national championship with Mutumbo and Mourning on your team?” “Hell, I’d be mad two if my team lost a championship game because the other team shot 65% from the field.” “Do you ever want to go up to Sleepy Floyd and ask, ‘Did you not know that Worthy was on North Carolina?” Unfortunately, this had the opposite effect, as no one understood the references I made. (In my defense, I did say I “respect” Iverson and would not make jokes about him). All it got me was a bunch of stares.

You’d think making fun of one school in a night would be enough, but sadly (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it. If I get my ass kicked one of these days, you’ll still probably laugh), it was not. I was on the train home, and I happened to sit across from someone who went to West Virginia. Now I didn’t start this (I swear I didn’t), but the guy in front of me decides he needs to rip WVU. So he proceeds to start making homosexual references about Pat White and Steve Slaton. I’m trying to mind my own business, but I can’t help laughing at this guy. Eventually, he goes, “This guy knows what I’m talking about,” and points at me. I see this as an opportunity, and since you can only get so much mileage out of the jokes he was doing, I switch it to a WVU joke that I like: couch burning. Once that got old, I decided to bring out the big guns: “I’m sure you’re glad to be a fellow alumnus along with Chris Henry and Pacman Jones.” How I didn’t get my ass kicked by her male companion is beyond me. Maybe he thought I was funny. Who knows. Until next week…

Actual Quotes from Actual People

We’re going to try a new feature here on The Barney Show…Actual Quotes from Actual People. Two reasons for this: One, so my brother can stop get some of my jokes since he hasn’t followed sports since the 1993 Orlando Magic. Two, I’ve been told I might have some additional readers, and what better way for them to get to know Barney than from the words of friends and family. And with that incredible segue concluded, let’s get on to the quotes:

“So I was talking to Nikki about if we ever did get married, you being my best man. It didn’t go over too well. She said something about every time she’s seen you, you’ve been hammered.” – K-Dog
To be honest, I would not recommend me as a best man for anyone. My speech would end up as either the one from Old School or me just freezing up entirely. I would probably drop f bombs without even realizing it. I could see a marriage failing because of me. I’d also assume I’d be in charge of the bachelor party. We’d be three hours in before people started figuring out there aren’t any strippers coming (All the places hung up the phone when I asked if any of their strippers were Communists). And half the alcohol brought to the party was for myself. And I’m won’t stop saying, “One vagina for the rest of your life. Way to think things out there buddy.” This won’t end well.
And Nikki, don’t feel so special. You’re not the only one who only sees me drunk. Pretty much the only ones who see me consistently sober are my co-workers (and that’s only guaranteed after 11 am).
I was also impressed that two of my friends have begun thinking of marriage and I haven’t yet, despite the fact that I’m the one with a kid. True Barney spirit right there.

“Are you doing coke? I’m not kidding. I know you’ve been working long hours and drinking a lot, so there’s a chance you would be using blow.” – Brock
Ah, the confidence people have in me. For the record, no I’m not using coke. I may not follow the Ten Commandments, so the least I could do is follow the Ten Crack Commandments.

“If you keep going this way, you’re going to end up a bitter, bitter man.” – My BM
I think she was implying that I’m on my way to being bitter. Guess she doesn’t know that I’m pretty bitter as it is now. Maybe because she’s never mentioned anything about JJ Reddick to me. Or the 2005 Divisional Playoffs. And she does try to not talk to me about work.
(This was part of a really fun talk we had. Three hours fun. About our relationship. It would have all been worth it if she had let me finish my sentence from The Departed: “I’m Irish, I can deal with things being wrong my whole life.” I almost got it out. A great quote for justifying a relationship. Though she might have barred me from seeing my child ever again afterwards, I’m sure her face would priceless when I said that.)

Dad: “Barney’s going to drive J-Man home.”Mom: “Is Barney ok to drive?”
Keep in mind this was said at 4 pm on a Sunday. My mom was legitimately asking if I had sobered up from the night before. While I was sitting right next to her. This is why I’m worried that every time I go home that there’s going to be an intervention. It’s coming eventually, I can feel it. I’ve already started rehearsing my, “I don’t have a problem, you’re the ones with the problem,” line.

“Since you won’t be here for Christmas, we’ll give you your present now (handing me “Knocked Up” on DVD). I think you’ll enjoy this.” - My aunt
So everybody’s got jokes. Let’s all laugh it up. I’m sure you’ll be the first of at least three family members that buy this for me. That’s all right. Next year, you’re all getting Rudy Gay Grizzlies jerseys (note: Why next year? Because the NBA store currently doesn’t sell his jersey. I’ve already looked into this. They sell everyone else’s online, including Lawrence freakin’ Roberts and Brian Cardinal. But not their first round pick from last year. Bastards. You’re ruining a hilarious Christmas present.)

“Yeah, you are an asshole Barney.” - My brother
This one was warranted. I got a call from the 757 area code on Thanksgiving. Since I don’t know where that is I ignored the call. It was my brother calling…from Iraq. Nothing says I support my troops like ignoring their calls on holidays. That’s my submission for the 2007 Asshole Olympics. Either that or when I kept demanding the guy to keep playing “Johnny Motherfuckin’ Cash” at an Irish pub. I haven’t decided yet.

So there you have it, what loved ones think about me. I’d say it was a good holiday for me, how ‘bout you? (To be honest, there were positive things people said to me. Those just aren’t funny. So I’m not going to write about those. And don’t worry, me and my baby mama are cool, I just picked a quote completely out of context. We’re good as long as she doesn’t talk about the Patriots getting McFadden with the second pick. Then it’s on like Donkey Kong.)

Monday Morning Hangover - Week 14

In case you wondering (and judging by the attendance here, you’re not), I’m perfectly fine with Tebow winning the Heisman. If I had a vote, I would have given it to him as well. Still doesn’t McFadden’s status as my man. Anyway, two thoughts on the Heisman:

1. Was anyone else feeling a little weird watching the Tim Tebow piece before they announced the winner? It seems like he grew up in the Flanders house. Maybe I’m just uncomfortable with the best college player in America being a God fearing Christian. I like my college athletes “meeting with the assistant coaches” Jesus Shuttlesworth style, thank you very much. What do I know? Maybe Timmy is getting some. Just do a google image search on “Tim Tebow girl” and you’ll see what I mean. “Katie got some big ass tit-tays.”

2. Ummm…wait a minute, how did I miss that Colt Brennan was accused of sexual assault and convicted of burglary and trespassing? And how was this not bigger news? I’m not saying this is a racial issue, but they didn’t mention Marcus Vick 2 years ago without his issues. And I just found out about these revelations this weekend? I mean, if I don’t know these things, who does? Maybe I should have read that ESPN the Magazine article a couple weeks back instead of just passing it off as a cover dedicated to a player that might be a decent NFL backup (when has a run and shoot QB done well in the league?).

On to the NFL. I missed the 1 pm games due to Christmas shopping (Barney goes to Toys R Us, hilarity ensues). It was a boring slate anyway. I’ve reached my limit of Eli Manning for this year, so the NYG-Philly game wasn’t in the cards. I knew the Pats were winning yesterday. Why? Because too many people were picking Pittsburgh. New England is the closest I’ve seen to Jordan in their ability to find motivation anywhere. Anthony Smith is the new Labradford Smith.

I was listening to pregame stuff on ESPN radio and how did Bill Parcells describe Thursday night’s game? “Both teams played hard.” How has Sheed not copyrighted that by now?

Tankapalooza 2007 Update
Thank you Peter King for ruining my Monday morning. I had temporarily forgotten that the Patriots had the 49ers pick, and they’re currently sitting at # 2. They’re going to get McFadden, I know it. Then he’ll run for 150 yards a game twice a year against the Jets and the Pats will be winning Super Bowls until 2015. Fuckin’ A man, fuckin’ A.

Alright, enough football for this week. I spent most of my weekend trying to maintain some level of dignity while holding a potty trainer while hearing “I need a price check on a Dora the Explorer outfit.” (It’s tough to do. Trust me on that.) Other than that, there were three separate moments when I realized I’m getting old:

1. I was walking through Toys R Us and was drawn to the new GI Joe Sigma 6 action figures. Why? Apparently you don’t need to have fancy signs or flashing colors to get my attention. Just give your toy a name based on lean management theory.
2. I was half heartedly listening to a mixtape over the weekend and heard some random rapper say, “Double XL.” My first thought was “Why is a rapper name checking spreadsheet software?”
3. After unwrapping a sandwich at the mall on Sunday, I realized this would be too hot to eat and went to wrap it back up to take with me. After doing a piss poor job of wrapping it, my first thought was “hit control Z.” Yes, I was hoping for an undo function in real life. After this weekend, I’ve officially become pathetic.

Until next week…

Barney Takes Manhattan

Sorry for the delay in a new posting (I know there was a void in your life in the absence of any new Barney Show episodes), but I took a vacation and went back to NY with my daughter. With that brought about one of my least favorite pastimes: tourism. Because I’m Barney and not a normal person, my tour of New York was a little different. Let’s review how my trip was different from that of the average tourist: (And if you think a Muppets reference was random, keep reading. I’m all over the place on this one.)

World Trade Center and Battery Park: Pretty much the entire time I was here, I was making references in my head to The 25th Hour. I kept looking around Battery Park for heroin users who were too afraid to go uptown to Harlem because they would get robbed by black people. Also, my first thought upon seeing Ground Zero was, where Phillip Seymour Hoffman so I can tell him, “Fuck the Times, I read the Post.” (I have to make more references to The 25th Hour than anyone else. I would write a whole Barney Classics episode about it, except I need to do more movies. Since I’ve only gotten around to doing He Got Game, I can’t have my only two classic movies be Spike Lee joints. The 25th Hour is to me what The Karate Kid is to Sports Guy for reasons that I can’t fully explain)

Grand Central Station: I spent the entire time here looking around for fat Italians in suits. I even thought about lying down on the escalator. Then I remember that I was good, as long as I didn’t try and get on a train. Thanks Carlito. For the record, I was highly amused that a fucking train station was a place someone wanted to visit. It does have nice architecture but at the end of the day, it’s still where you get on Metro North. (It’s also a key landmark for my main man Connecticut Pete. CP is my dad’s friend who’s an alcoholic with OCD. He lost his license for too many DUI’s so he has to take a train from Long Island to Connecticut. Because he’s OCD, he needs to finish a 6 pack before he gets to Grand Central. The man also makes about half a million dollars a year because he’s has the ability to direct oil tankers into docks, which is apparently a very difficult skill. Needless to say, he’s replaced Jordan as my newest idol.)

Bryant Park: They were having a holiday craft fair when we visited. Now this might sound very boring to the normal person. However, the normal person doesn’t laugh every time he sees something a sign saying, “Made in Colorado” in Bryant Park. Kobe!

Madison Square Garden: I steadfastly refused to show my daughter MSG. That’s how bad Isiah has been.

NY Public Library: Most people see this as a place of knowledge with as much information as anywhere else in the world. I see it as the opening scene in Ghostbusters. I kept looking for Harold Ramis to come running out.

Times Square: Since I had my daughter with me, we took her to the Toys R Us in Times Square because they have a Ferris wheel within the store. This was a great example of Barney luck. Each car on the wheel had a different toy. One was a Matchbox car one, another shaped like Mr. Potato Head, you get the idea. Not only did we end up in the My Little Pony car, this was actually predicted because of my luck.
On top of that, my 22 month old daughter managed to handle this ride better than I did. First off, I was able to control my fear of heights until she started to fidget around and I nearly had a panic attack. I wasn’t scared for myself, but for her. Combine that with the fact that the simply swaying when the wheel stop gave me motion sickness and it was a pretty embarrassing situation. In fact, my balance system is so fucked up at this point, I tried to show my daughter how to do a summersault and got dizzy.
Unfortunately, this ride will ruin my burgeoning rap career. At least if I do have a career (odds on that: 10,874,975 to 1), I can’t get in any beef. Because if I do, my career will be over when someone puts a picture of me in a My Little Pony car on that Summer Jam screen. It’s just too easy for someone to say, “I got the pictures, I’ve seen ya.”FAO Schwartz: Only I could subconsciously confuse the address of a toy store with the NBA store’s address. Needless to say, people were not too happy with me when we were standing on 52nd and 5th and there were no toys.

Rockefeller Center: If I hadn’t been at the end of my rope from doing tourist things, I would have had a lot more fun here. I could have gone up to someone working at the tree and asked, “Rockefeller died of AIDS, and that’s who you chose to name your center after?” (Bonus points for working in both sides of the Jay Z-Nas beef into a NYC tourist promotion) I also might have set the record for most times saying, “It’s the Roc,” if I already didn’t share that record with Floyd Banks during Luau 2005.
I wanted to go see Rockefeller Center in the morning but was over ruled because apparently tourists like to see Christmas trees at night. I wanted to sneak off to the crowd of The Today Show with my “FUCK YOU TIKI. WAY TO QUIT ON YOUR TEAMMATES” sign.

Besides that, just your normal trip to New York.

Monday Morning Hangover - Week 13

There will be no Hangover this week in honor of Sean Taylor, half-man, half beast.

In lieu of reading my dumbass comments, go to youtube now and search for video of him laying people out.