Top 7 Boss Edition - Pt 2

Since I can’t think of anything else to talk about being that I have no life outside of work lately, we’ll go back to a Top 7 – Boss Edition. Now that I have two months or so under my belt, let’s revisit more reasons I should not be allowed to be in charge of people.

7. My slang. Sometimes I forget I’m not in a Young Jeezy video and yes, I did use the phrase “Half a Mil” to describe revenue we were waiting on to a corporate exec. On the plus side, I did not use the phrase, “stacks” or “paper”. That might have confused a whole bunch of people. Our contract is also scheduled to be re-competed in September. I’ve casually referred to this as “The Re-Up.” Apparently we don’t have a lot of Clipse fans in our office.
6. I’ve brought my luck along for the ride with me. Since I’ve taken over, every system we have has crashed at least once. Some for the first time ever. One went down for 2 days and I had to completely redesigned its configuration so it would work. I’ve also had my two best resources resign. One time in my life I would not like to walk into a situation and have it not blow up immediately.
5. I’m considering brining someone on to the project who’s a Penn State grad who dresses in what is best described as an unprofessional manner. The one time I met her was at a conference where she looked like she’s going out to a club and looking to attract as much attention as possible. Anyway, I’m justifying this in my mind by telling myself, “Even if she’s not any good at her job, I can always think, ‘Fuck the state pen, Fuck hoes at Penn State’”, and that will put a smile on my face. Any chance I have to incorporate Biggie lyrics into personnel decisions, I will do that. If I ever get a chance to interview someone named Jermaine who is dark skinned, he will be hired on the spot.
4. Our system now has new password requirements. One of them is that a special character is needed. Of course, I selected “$”. It also has to have a certain amount of characters. So one is straightCA$H and the other is CA$Hmoney. Randy Moss and Birdman would be proud. When I have to change it again, I will incorporate Johnny Ca$h in at some point. This screams professionalism.
3. I’ve called one of my employees, “Not just retarded, but circus retarded.” I don’t even know what that means, but that’s the effect of working for Frank from the Rec for 6 years. Sensitivity training might be in my future. If you’ve read some of the allegations in the NASCAR harassment suit, none of those phased me at all from working with Frank. I think they stole some of his lines.
2. I make management decisions by asking, “What would Jordan do?” For example, we’ve recently found out that new college hires are making outlandishly high salaries compared to what we came in at. I wondered how MJ would handle it, and I got my answer: Take it out on the entire nation of Croatia. Allow me to explain. Jordan and Pippen were upset with Bulls management that they were so high on Toni Kukoc and the salary they were given. So when Jordan played Croatia, led by Toni, in the Olympics in 1992, he saved all his energy for Croatia. To the point that he told Chuck Daly that he didn’t care if he sat the bench for entire games, as long as he got a lot of PT against Croatia. So if in the course of the next few months I start asking new hires, “Oh, you’re having problems with this? Well, I’m not helping you. You’re paid enough, so that must mean you’re smart enough to figure it out by yourself,” you’ll know why.
1. This is what my boss told me when I told him I was going out to the bar to watch the Finals. “You gonna get ripped tonight? I’ve seen you when you get loaded. That’s the only time you talk. I’m gonna have you give a presentation to our service area and make sure you have a few in you before you go on.” I have to be the only manager who’s alcoholism is not severe enough. Apparently having a procedure for vomiting at work isn’t enough. Oh well, guess its time to start going out for lunch beers.