Texas Toast

The Barney Show is proud to present a special Father’s Day edition of Texas Toast. This episode will continue with the quotes format, but this time these quotes will be exclusively from Lil’ Wayne’s The Carter III. His album came out this week and if you had told me in 2000 that he would have the most anticipated album in 2008 and be at least discussed in the hottest rappers in the game, I would have called shenanigans. Similarly, if you had told me in 2000 that I’d be spending Father’s Day 2008 with my 2 year old, I’d probably have a similar reaction. This Texas Toast version will be shorter than normal, because this was a short trip. I left my house at 4:30 Saturday morning and will return home at 11 on Sunday. About half that time will be spent traveling. Half of the rest of the time, sleeping. So this won’t have the normal amounts of culture shock. Let’s get started. All quotes come from The Carter III unless otherwise noted.

“Dear Mr. Carter, I am him, How you been? I’ve been around the world and I’m back again.”
Just substitute Barney for Mr. Carter and I feel the same way. I haven’t been doing much work here on the Barney Show, but I’m back to my natural element: writing ill prepared mockeries of East Texas.

“True that swallow, And I be the shhhh, Now you got loose bowels, I don't owe you like two vowels.”
It wouldn’t’ be a Texas Toast episode without some sort of bad luck happening on the trip. This time, as I got on my flight in Charlotte to go to Dallas, we were delayed because of weather and the flight would have to make route changes to avoid this. While they were doing that, a passenger took a dump and got it all over the bathroom. We had to wait an extra 20-30 minutes while cleaning crews were called. Oh, and I was sitting right next to the bathroom.

“I’m ok, but my watch is sick, my rocks is sick, my drop is sick.”
It also would be a trip to Texas without either me or my daughter getting sick. This time it was her. She had a Staph infection on her arm and leg. She was on antibiotics. Apparently, staph is a natural bacteria that is on all our bodies, but this particular type had a bad effect and it caused an infection. This is not to be confused with a Steph infection, which is the nasty feeling you get after hooking up with a maxed out NBA player in the back of a truck in order to get a promotion.
Knick jokes aside, this meant she couldn’t go swimming, which is the one thing I was most looking forward to doing with her.

“We are not the same, I am a Martian.”
My daughter is starting to talk well enough that you can actually engage in conversations with her. This is good. Occasionally though, she’ll say something and you’ll be thinking, “What the fuck?” and just nod your head at her. When Wayne made an entire song around this quote, I had the same reaction. But I was able to blame this on the thought that Weezy was probably as high as a spaceship when he wrote this.

“'Cause you can get through anything if Magic made it, And that was called recycling Re: reciting something, 'Cause you just like it so you say it just like it, Some say it's biting but I say it's enlightening, Besides Dr. Kanye West is one of the brightest.”
Just in case anyone got any bright ideas that I’m talented or something, I just wanted to use a Wayne quote to let people know that I am clearly jacking this format from Sports Guy.

“Lil’ Wayne on these hoes, aka Mr. Make it Rain on them Hoes.”
Can I get off topic for a bit and say how excited I am for the Dallas Cowboys season to begin. First, their quarterback has been on the cover of Us Weekly more than Sports Illustrated. Their star wide receiver made a guest appearance on Flava Flav’s sitcom. They have the only coach coming off having the second best record in the league in his first season that doesn’t have job security. And then they signed Pacman. I nearly forgot that Tank Johnson was in the mix. It’s almost like Jerry Jones is saying, “Hmm…who else can I sign to make this team more Barneyrific?” Also, I’d like to note that if not hearing this Wayne song with T Pain as a single in a month, I’m going to be pissed.
Does anyone else do a song about making it rain as well as T Pain? It’s like he was born to sing about strippers (and wear top hats while doing it). He’s also sang about being in love with a bartender. He’s living the dream. Getting lap dances and drinks for free. I’d say he’s my idol but white people can’t pull off top hats without coming off looking like the Monopoly man.

“It’s Weezy Baby, please say the Baby.”
I think my favorite part about the album is the cover. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a baby (I’m assuming Wayne’s baby picture), with Wayne’s face tats. My daughter was playing around in the rental and saw the album. Which led to this exchange:

D: “Baby?
”B: “Very good. That is a baby.”
D: “What’s on face daddy?”
B: “Ummm….”
They don’t teach you how to handle face tats in Parenting 101, I’ll tell you that.

“Now if ye ain't help me make it, don't tell me how to spend it. And yes I know the rules, never marry Robin Givens.”
So this really was not the most fiscally responsible trip I’ve ever taken. I spent $575 on just the plane ticket. I justified this by saying, “I just got my government incentive check. I didn’t do anything for this money, so I might as well spend it on something good. And the airline industry could use the business. I’ll use this incentive to help the economy.” I’m disappointed in myself for being so patriotic. Because when I first heard about these government issued checks, I was a proponent of spending them Pacman Jones style and spending them on extravagant strippers. Well, I guess I still haven’t paid the credit card bill for this trip, so there’s still time. (Note, this wasn’t from The Carter III, it was from Wayne’s guest on Bun B’s new album. In case, you know, you actually gave a shit.)

“Go further, go farther, go harder, that’s why were here right? If not, why bother.”
The best line of the album comes from Hov himself. This quote goes to my baby mama who couldn’t even remember to bring my Father’s Day card. I’m trying to go hard here and make an attempt to be a good dad by paying an arm and a leg for a 21 hour visit and you can’t make a decent attempt.

“L-L-L-L-L-Like a lollipop.”
This is in no way the same as how Weezy intended it. My daughter just really wanted a popsicle so we had to make a trip to Wal Mart. I know you were so wondering how I’d fit that song in. And for the record, she did not lick the wrapper.

“Man you better keep paying me, 'cause you don't want my problems, I be wildin like Capital One “What is in your wallet?”
My favorite Wayne line of the album goes to my favorite moment of the trip: when I almost cold cocked my daughter. Let me explain. My daughter when sleeping has no regard for anyone else. She will take over half the bed despite weighing 28 pounds. And she will kick and punch you. I was having a dream in which I was engaged in a shoot out with terrorists in Chinatown (no, I have no idea why I was dreaming this either). My daughter chose this time to give me a flying flip kick to my side. In my heightened sense of alertness, I pulled back to punch the offending terrorist. But before I let it fly, I woke up briefly enough to realize my daughter was next to me. So tragedy was averted.

“Please don't shoot me down, Cuz I'm flyin, I'm flyin, I'm higherrrrr.”
Actually, on the flight home I wanted our plane to be shot down. I had to sit behind two 12 & 14 year old douches. One of them brought a skateboard on the plane. You know, just in case they had a half pipe in there. And they couldn’t stop rocking their chairs and touching each other. Most egregious was the fact that one of them wore a Red Sox hat. The stewardess asked if he was a Boston fan to make conversation and to keep them from playing grab ass and he didn’t understand what she was talking about. Can we go back to the time when being a Red Sox fan meant dealing with pain and suffering?

“See y'all are at ground, and my daughter is my sky, I swear I look in her face and I just want to break out and fly”
Wow, if in 2008 you tell me Weezy Baby, please say the Baby, would be summarizing my feelings I probably not just called shenanigans, but laughed at you. Oh well, that’s why I paid approximately $35/hr for a visit.

Sorry this was so short, but the trip itself was short.